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Undying Love
Twilight Sparkle peeked over the side of the crib to look at the tiny pink alicorn who was cooing and babbling incessantly. All at once, Flurry Heart descended into a fit of giggles and extended two tiny pink hooves in the direction of her aunt. Twilight couldn’t help but smile and levitate her niece towards her hoof. “Awww! Come here, Flurry Heart!” she said as she held her close to herself. “Who’s your favorite aunt?” The foal squealed and giggled with delight as she was magically hoisted aloft. “That’s right! It’s me, Twilight!” she said, returning her niece to her embrace.
“She’s getting bigger every day now,” Cadance said from across the room. “Soon she’ll be teething, and then talking, and flying not long after that. She’s growing up so fast.”
“I know. I wish I could come out here to see her more,” Twilight lamented.
“That’s not your fault, Twilight,” Cadance reassured. “Because of the distance between us and both of our royal duties, it’s a wonder you’re able to visit as often as you do.”
“My family is important to me. I deliberately make time in my schedule to come and see her. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Cadance nodded her understanding and resumed filling Flurry Heart’s bottle. As she did, a wave of insatiable curiosity crashed over her. “So, Twilight, not to be personal or anything, but is there a special somepony you have your eye on?”
“Oh, I might have a crush or two,” she said as she booped Flurry Heart on the muzzle, inciting another round of laughter. “Why do you ask? Are you eager for a niece or nephew of your own?”
“I was more wondering if I would be meeting the future Princess of Friendship anytime soon,” she declared, her eyes unwavering from her task until the top had been screwed onto the bottle. She turned towards her sister-in-law to behold her bewildered face. “Oh. Do you not know?” She asked.
“No, I—I guess not.”
“I’m sorry, Twilight. I assumed Celestia had already told you. I hate to be the one to break the news to you.” Upon seeing the bottle, Flurry Heart grunted and reached towards her mother, who gently levitated her into her embrace.
“What news?” Twilight ventured.
Cadance began with a sigh. “Celestia is the Princess of the Sun, Luna is the Princess of the Moon, I’m the Princess of Love, and you’re the Princess of Friendship. Those four things are all eternal. In this regard, we aren’t like our subjects.”
“All eternal? Even friendship and love? Friends can drift apart, and love can grow cold—”
“But the spark is still there, Twilight. It’s like when a fire burns through its wood, and only hot coals remain. You can still get a fire going again, but you’d need more…”
“Wood,” Twilight finished.
“Exactly,” Cadance said, glancing down towards Flurry Heart. She then looked back up to Twilight, watching the gears turn.
Suddenly, Twilight gasped. “Wait, so Flurry Heart is the new wood for the fire?” Cadance nodded. “But, that means you’re the old wood. The wood that burned up.” She nodded again. “That’s not possible, Cadance. You’re an alicorn.”
“I am the Princess of Love, and I love Shining Armor. Through a spell that Celestia, Shining, and I cast, my fate is now intertwined with his. We will live together, love together, and when the time comes, pass together.” Twilight’s eyes wandered as her mind recoiled. “I know that’s a lot to take in all at once, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I thought Celestia already had.”
“I don’t know if that’s really romantic, or really heartbreaking.”
“Yes, it is bittersweet, but Flurry Heart will carry on when I cannot.”
“Does this mean I’m going to have to tie my fate to my friends’ fates?”
“It’s a completely voluntary process,” Cadance reassured, “but this way, I know my love will never truly die.”
“If it means friendship will live on in Equestria, then yes, I would at least consider linking my fate to my friends’ fates.”
"Are you sure?"
"Friendship has changed my life for the better in ways I still can't fully understand. I want others to know that friendship long after my friends are gone. Besides, I was wondering how I was going to cope with an eternity without my current friends."
Cadance smiled. “Sounds like you owe Princess Celestia a letter, then.”
“I guess so,” Twilight agreed.
“She’s getting bigger every day now,” Cadance said from across the room. “Soon she’ll be teething, and then talking, and flying not long after that. She’s growing up so fast.”
“I know. I wish I could come out here to see her more,” Twilight lamented.
“That’s not your fault, Twilight,” Cadance reassured. “Because of the distance between us and both of our royal duties, it’s a wonder you’re able to visit as often as you do.”
“My family is important to me. I deliberately make time in my schedule to come and see her. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Cadance nodded her understanding and resumed filling Flurry Heart’s bottle. As she did, a wave of insatiable curiosity crashed over her. “So, Twilight, not to be personal or anything, but is there a special somepony you have your eye on?”
“Oh, I might have a crush or two,” she said as she booped Flurry Heart on the muzzle, inciting another round of laughter. “Why do you ask? Are you eager for a niece or nephew of your own?”
“I was more wondering if I would be meeting the future Princess of Friendship anytime soon,” she declared, her eyes unwavering from her task until the top had been screwed onto the bottle. She turned towards her sister-in-law to behold her bewildered face. “Oh. Do you not know?” She asked.
“No, I—I guess not.”
“I’m sorry, Twilight. I assumed Celestia had already told you. I hate to be the one to break the news to you.” Upon seeing the bottle, Flurry Heart grunted and reached towards her mother, who gently levitated her into her embrace.
“What news?” Twilight ventured.
Cadance began with a sigh. “Celestia is the Princess of the Sun, Luna is the Princess of the Moon, I’m the Princess of Love, and you’re the Princess of Friendship. Those four things are all eternal. In this regard, we aren’t like our subjects.”
“All eternal? Even friendship and love? Friends can drift apart, and love can grow cold—”
“But the spark is still there, Twilight. It’s like when a fire burns through its wood, and only hot coals remain. You can still get a fire going again, but you’d need more…”
“Wood,” Twilight finished.
“Exactly,” Cadance said, glancing down towards Flurry Heart. She then looked back up to Twilight, watching the gears turn.
Suddenly, Twilight gasped. “Wait, so Flurry Heart is the new wood for the fire?” Cadance nodded. “But, that means you’re the old wood. The wood that burned up.” She nodded again. “That’s not possible, Cadance. You’re an alicorn.”
“I am the Princess of Love, and I love Shining Armor. Through a spell that Celestia, Shining, and I cast, my fate is now intertwined with his. We will live together, love together, and when the time comes, pass together.” Twilight’s eyes wandered as her mind recoiled. “I know that’s a lot to take in all at once, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I thought Celestia already had.”
“I don’t know if that’s really romantic, or really heartbreaking.”
“Yes, it is bittersweet, but Flurry Heart will carry on when I cannot.”
“Does this mean I’m going to have to tie my fate to my friends’ fates?”
“It’s a completely voluntary process,” Cadance reassured, “but this way, I know my love will never truly die.”
“If it means friendship will live on in Equestria, then yes, I would at least consider linking my fate to my friends’ fates.”
"Are you sure?"
"Friendship has changed my life for the better in ways I still can't fully understand. I want others to know that friendship long after my friends are gone. Besides, I was wondering how I was going to cope with an eternity without my current friends."
Cadance smiled. “Sounds like you owe Princess Celestia a letter, then.”
“I guess so,” Twilight agreed.
An interesting interpretation of the cryptic “Twilight will not outlive her friends” tweet, but it felt like more of a headcanon dump than a story. This kind of revelation should not be met with anywhere near this level of calm. Not at first. Have the characters act more like people than information dispensers and you’ll have the seed of something deeply intriguing.
Why must FOME beat me to expressing half of my thoughts? Is it psychic? A time-traveler?
Right, story. It starts out rather adorable (if necessarily generalized) and things fall apart as the story is added in. Characterization is dubious; emotional investment and reactions are quite out of sorts; the 'saids' are overbearing, giving in narration the tone of the words being spoken; the life-outlook-changing arc is complete in less than a thousand words. Also, why Cadance instead of Celestia herself? Why is a spell required at all, and why does (only?) Celestia know it? What if an alicorn gives up their immortality without creating a successor—is that what happened to the previous Princess of Friendship? Needs work.
Right, story. It starts out rather adorable (if necessarily generalized) and things fall apart as the story is added in. Characterization is dubious; emotional investment and reactions are quite out of sorts; the 'saids' are overbearing, giving in narration the tone of the words being spoken; the life-outlook-changing arc is complete in less than a thousand words. Also, why Cadance instead of Celestia herself? Why is a spell required at all, and why does (only?) Celestia know it? What if an alicorn gives up their immortality without creating a successor—is that what happened to the previous Princess of Friendship? Needs work.
You need to make what you're trying to say more explicit, because I have too many questions at the end.
Clearly, Celestia and Luna choose not to have families to stay immortal, but that isn't an option for Twilight because friendship and love require rebirth while the Sun and Moon do not? Then how did friendship exist in the first place before Twilight ascended? I don't get it.
For spilling the beans on a secret with tremendous impact on Twilight's entire life, Princess Cadance sure seems awfully nonchalant about it.
You need to set "understanding" apart with two commas, or else it sounds like "understanding" is a direct object of "nodded" even though "nodded" is intransitive.
But you shouldn't use "understanding" in there at all because it's telly, so just remove it. :twilightsmile: Let the reader come to the conclusion that Cadance understands Twilight's situation. Trust us more.
Clearly, Celestia and Luna choose not to have families to stay immortal, but that isn't an option for Twilight because friendship and love require rebirth while the Sun and Moon do not? Then how did friendship exist in the first place before Twilight ascended? I don't get it.
For spilling the beans on a secret with tremendous impact on Twilight's entire life, Princess Cadance sure seems awfully nonchalant about it.
Cadance nodded her understanding and resumed filling Flurry Heart’s bottle.
You need to set "understanding" apart with two commas, or else it sounds like "understanding" is a direct object of "nodded" even though "nodded" is intransitive.
But you shouldn't use "understanding" in there at all because it's telly, so just remove it. :twilightsmile: Let the reader come to the conclusion that Cadance understands Twilight's situation. Trust us more.
Also, are you suggesting that Twilight has to make a suicide pact with her friends so they all die at the same time, or else friendship will disappear from Equestria?
That's a little cray-cray for Twilight to accept at face value.
That's a little cray-cray for Twilight to accept at face value.
Genre: Cute slice of life with a headcanon-y twist
Thoughts: The opening section's cuteness was effective at getting me to lower my guard before the headcanon started. The quality of prose remained strong throughout. I did like the tragic/romantic undertones that showed up towards the end. Really, most things I could point at here worked pretty well.
But there's a big but, and like Sir Mix-A-Lot, I find myself unable to lie about it: I didn't buy the headcanon that underpinned the story's premise. Part of that's bound to be personal and subjective, but IMO Cadance's speech wasn't effective at selling me on the headcanon. I also have to question how in-character I think Twilight's sudden decision at the end is; surely our beloved bookhorse would think to challenge or research this new discovery?
Still, overall, this had good writing, and the opening was pure d'aww.
Tier: Almost there
Thoughts: The opening section's cuteness was effective at getting me to lower my guard before the headcanon started. The quality of prose remained strong throughout. I did like the tragic/romantic undertones that showed up towards the end. Really, most things I could point at here worked pretty well.
But there's a big but, and like Sir Mix-A-Lot, I find myself unable to lie about it: I didn't buy the headcanon that underpinned the story's premise. Part of that's bound to be personal and subjective, but IMO Cadance's speech wasn't effective at selling me on the headcanon. I also have to question how in-character I think Twilight's sudden decision at the end is; surely our beloved bookhorse would think to challenge or research this new discovery?
Still, overall, this had good writing, and the opening was pure d'aww.
Tier: Almost there
A bit too maudlin for me. The story of an immortal loving a mortal and renouncing their immortality to share the same fate as their lover is — well, I wouldn't say threadbare – but I can, for example, think of Arwen and Aragon in the Lord of the Rings, with exactly the same argument/reasoning, and probably other older stories.
So, yeah, this is fluffy, and, paradoxically as it can be, long-winded for the core concept it is built on. But the Twilight interacting with the baby part is certainly cute.
So, yeah, this is fluffy, and, paradoxically as it can be, long-winded for the core concept it is built on. But the Twilight interacting with the baby part is certainly cute.
I think this doesn't quite make sense. Like, if I followed it right:
Cadance : I am going to grow old and die because I love Shining too much. Flurry will be new me.
Twilight : Oh
Cadance : You should do the same.
Twilight : Maybe I will. Probably. I guess I need to get knocked up first.
And yea. There's too much calm and too much speed for material so heavy, I fear :(
Cadance : I am going to grow old and die because I love Shining too much. Flurry will be new me.
Twilight : Oh
Cadance : You should do the same.
Twilight : Maybe I will. Probably. I guess I need to get knocked up first.
And yea. There's too much calm and too much speed for material so heavy, I fear :(
This story really left me with one question and that is, why didn't Cadence just ask Celestia to make Shining Armor an alicorn too so that he would live forever as well? I mean, that would have solved all of their problems. Then Cadence can get her tubes tied or whatever and not worry about having more kids. I guess I don't get the logic of the decision made in this one.
There's a hell of an interesting concept here, but I'm not a fan of its execution. After the first paragraph, things get into talking heads territory really fast. There's a lot of back and forth that I feel could have been condensed to fewer, more specific statements from both parties. A minific really needs to maintain momentum, and you're losing a lot of it every time Cadance needs to go back and clarify a point she made earlier. The result is that the emotions feel muted since we're dealing so much with the content of their dialogue rather than its emotional ramifications.
I'd suggest trimming the fat and then using the extra word count to explore the central topic more. Right now, it feels confusing and muddled, especially beneath all of those layers of dialogue.
I'd suggest trimming the fat and then using the extra word count to explore the central topic more. Right now, it feels confusing and muddled, especially beneath all of those layers of dialogue.