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Мэй Bae
“Any change?” Static hissed in her ear along with Winston’s voice. Her HUD flashed a little broken video icon, but she could hear the calm concern in the enhanced primate’s tone. This close to the pole, remote signals weakened considerably. Her local network with the heli remained stable while the derelict Watchpoint station below remained dead for all intents and purpose.
“No. No movement, no heat signature. Onsite network registers, but doesn’t respond.”
“There wouldn’t be with any old Omnic robots or built-in defense systems. We’re still reading wild power spikes from the satellite scans.” Winston paused. “We still don’t know why the emergency signal came on either. No responses to communications attempts either. It’s a long shot, Zarya, but there might be survivors. These old stations were sometimes equipped with cryo coffins.”
Aleksandra ‘Zarya’ Zaryanova grunted into the mic and grabbed the clipline at the side of the door, attaching it to her armored suit. She hit the LZ a second later in the heli’s downforce snow tornado, the line detaching itself, and she pulled her cannon loose.
“Удачи, капитан.”
“Your accent still needs work.” Zarya started forward while the heli pulled back to a safe distance.
She didn’t waste time, the old plating rattling under her heavy footfalls. Her map led her to an iced over hatch that was rusted and refused to answer commands. It had an emergency release handle, so she grabbed it and forced it to obey her strength. Beyond that was a ladder that dropped into pitch black darkness.
She climbed in, goggles switching to night vision automatically. “I’m in.”
Her earpiece popped and hissed, Winston’s reply lost to the signal scattering. Zarya frowned, but didn’t let it slow her down. She hammered past old weather monitoring and manipulation equipment that was haphazardly powered.
Her suit sensors scanned her immediate area for any signs of movement or weapons charge, and she kept her gun at ready just in case the station wasn’t as empty as it seemed. She entered the small main building and quickly found the command center. Everything was covered in 25 years of dust and frost, a few lights on the many control and monitor equipment blinking weakly. That power was still flowing at all was a miracle. Near the rear wall, Zarya found several glass cryo coffins covered in frost. Only one had blinking lights.
“Possible survivors. Ready medical response.” She moved up to the coffin, looking for the control panel. She didn’t understand the chinese symbols, but one flashed insistently. She pressed it, the coffin hissing and clicking. It opened a few minutes later, revealing a heavy set asian woman inside who was starting to breath normally.
“Are you awake? Do you speak english? Говорить по-русски?”
The woman groaned, turning her head stiffly. She opened large brown eyes and blinked several times. “你是谁?”
“Great.” Zarya sighed.
The woman reached into the pocket of her old faux-fur parka and pulled out classic square-framed glasses. She put them on and squinted up at Zarya’s massive form and equally massive looking gun that pulsed with something like contained particle. She gasped at the armor and weapons, wondering what sort of situation she’d been awakened into. From the looks of the rest of station’s main room, she guessed the cryo unit was barely running on emergency power.
Zarya’s suit chimed, alerting her to movement behind her. She whirled around and lifted her cannon, its internal systems priming to discharge its particle ordinance.
An old robot loader stepped from the shadows, raising a rivet gun at them.
“Stay down!” Zarya thumbed on her force field, pressing the survivor against her back. She fired her cannon at the droid, striking it center mass. The droid popped off two heated rivets before the shot melted its power source, blowing it to scrap.
“That was our construction bot.” The woman groaned again, falling back when the sudden force field released her. She straightened her glasses. “I thought the peace talks had started? That was supposed to end the crisis!”
“You do speak english? Good. The evac team is waiting for us.” Zarya smiled. “Stay close. I will get you out of here.”
The woman slid out of the unit, turning to pick up some equipment from inside the coffin. She hefted a strange looking gun attached to a tank on her back. “Lead the way, 佳人. I’m not helpless.” She grabbed Zarya’s belt. “My name is Mei, by the way.”
“Zarya. Overwatch sent me.”
“My heroes.”
“No. No movement, no heat signature. Onsite network registers, but doesn’t respond.”
“There wouldn’t be with any old Omnic robots or built-in defense systems. We’re still reading wild power spikes from the satellite scans.” Winston paused. “We still don’t know why the emergency signal came on either. No responses to communications attempts either. It’s a long shot, Zarya, but there might be survivors. These old stations were sometimes equipped with cryo coffins.”
Aleksandra ‘Zarya’ Zaryanova grunted into the mic and grabbed the clipline at the side of the door, attaching it to her armored suit. She hit the LZ a second later in the heli’s downforce snow tornado, the line detaching itself, and she pulled her cannon loose.
“Удачи, капитан.”
“Your accent still needs work.” Zarya started forward while the heli pulled back to a safe distance.
She didn’t waste time, the old plating rattling under her heavy footfalls. Her map led her to an iced over hatch that was rusted and refused to answer commands. It had an emergency release handle, so she grabbed it and forced it to obey her strength. Beyond that was a ladder that dropped into pitch black darkness.
She climbed in, goggles switching to night vision automatically. “I’m in.”
Her earpiece popped and hissed, Winston’s reply lost to the signal scattering. Zarya frowned, but didn’t let it slow her down. She hammered past old weather monitoring and manipulation equipment that was haphazardly powered.
Her suit sensors scanned her immediate area for any signs of movement or weapons charge, and she kept her gun at ready just in case the station wasn’t as empty as it seemed. She entered the small main building and quickly found the command center. Everything was covered in 25 years of dust and frost, a few lights on the many control and monitor equipment blinking weakly. That power was still flowing at all was a miracle. Near the rear wall, Zarya found several glass cryo coffins covered in frost. Only one had blinking lights.
“Possible survivors. Ready medical response.” She moved up to the coffin, looking for the control panel. She didn’t understand the chinese symbols, but one flashed insistently. She pressed it, the coffin hissing and clicking. It opened a few minutes later, revealing a heavy set asian woman inside who was starting to breath normally.
“Are you awake? Do you speak english? Говорить по-русски?”
The woman groaned, turning her head stiffly. She opened large brown eyes and blinked several times. “你是谁?”
“Great.” Zarya sighed.
The woman reached into the pocket of her old faux-fur parka and pulled out classic square-framed glasses. She put them on and squinted up at Zarya’s massive form and equally massive looking gun that pulsed with something like contained particle. She gasped at the armor and weapons, wondering what sort of situation she’d been awakened into. From the looks of the rest of station’s main room, she guessed the cryo unit was barely running on emergency power.
Zarya’s suit chimed, alerting her to movement behind her. She whirled around and lifted her cannon, its internal systems priming to discharge its particle ordinance.
An old robot loader stepped from the shadows, raising a rivet gun at them.
“Stay down!” Zarya thumbed on her force field, pressing the survivor against her back. She fired her cannon at the droid, striking it center mass. The droid popped off two heated rivets before the shot melted its power source, blowing it to scrap.
“That was our construction bot.” The woman groaned again, falling back when the sudden force field released her. She straightened her glasses. “I thought the peace talks had started? That was supposed to end the crisis!”
“You do speak english? Good. The evac team is waiting for us.” Zarya smiled. “Stay close. I will get you out of here.”
The woman slid out of the unit, turning to pick up some equipment from inside the coffin. She hefted a strange looking gun attached to a tank on her back. “Lead the way, 佳人. I’m not helpless.” She grabbed Zarya’s belt. “My name is Mei, by the way.”
“Zarya. Overwatch sent me.”
“My heroes.”
This violates the rules of the competition (I assume unintentionally): Original Fiction rounds cannot be based upon currently copyrighted materials, and Overwatch would definitely count.
I don't understand how this story would have been generated by the prompt—is the connection that, after 25 years, war persists? If so, is that the message of the story? The message is a bit lost on me, particularly with the last line which seems sarcastic but makes little sense if it is.
The prose is quality, but it isn't much of a story. There hasn't been any resolution, namely. This is a window to part of a story. If you had established background on what was happening and why we should care about the characters, it would have much more impact. At the end of the story, I know something happened, but I don't know exactly what and moreover I have no idea what it means. Even if this is OW fanfiction you need to establish a storyline a bit more than this.
I don't understand how this story would have been generated by the prompt—is the connection that, after 25 years, war persists? If so, is that the message of the story? The message is a bit lost on me, particularly with the last line which seems sarcastic but makes little sense if it is.
The prose is quality, but it isn't much of a story. There hasn't been any resolution, namely. This is a window to part of a story. If you had established background on what was happening and why we should care about the characters, it would have much more impact. At the end of the story, I know something happened, but I don't know exactly what and moreover I have no idea what it means. Even if this is OW fanfiction you need to establish a storyline a bit more than this.
What's here:
Is a nice scene, but it's not a story. If, as >>Trick_Question says, it's fanfic for something called Overwatch, that's also a problem 'cause I don't know what Overwatch is. I'd definitely like to see longer and more complete work from you, though, author. :)
Mike
Is a nice scene, but it's not a story. If, as >>Trick_Question says, it's fanfic for something called Overwatch, that's also a problem 'cause I don't know what Overwatch is. I'd definitely like to see longer and more complete work from you, though, author. :)
Mike
>>Trick_Question
And I thought, are all uplifted apes called Winston nowadays?
It's true, the Original Fiction category is for, and I quote from the schedule page, "Fiction not dependent on work under U.S. copyright." Sorry.
>>Baal Bunny
It's an upcoming and currently super hyped class-based tactic shooter/ arena shooter/ moba game hybrid by Blizzard. Not that the reader can be expected to know that.
The real question is, what are we supposed to do with it? Abstain? Not do anything? Vote as lowest?
And I thought, are all uplifted apes called Winston nowadays?
It's true, the Original Fiction category is for, and I quote from the schedule page, "Fiction not dependent on work under U.S. copyright." Sorry.
>>Baal Bunny
It's an upcoming and currently super hyped class-based tactic shooter/ arena shooter/ moba game hybrid by Blizzard. Not that the reader can be expected to know that.
The real question is, what are we supposed to do with it? Abstain? Not do anything? Vote as lowest?
>>Leo
The general consensus would be to vote as one would for a crossover fic: pretend you know nothing about the fandom it's based upon, and vote how it holds up as a story by itself.
A story like that can (and has) won this competition. But in this case, you shouldn't be permitted to vote on the story at all if it is in fact DQ'd. Somepony should inform Roger so we can have a decision. If the DQ was unintentional, the story will stay up in the gallery but it will no longer appear on anypony's slates.
The general consensus would be to vote as one would for a crossover fic: pretend you know nothing about the fandom it's based upon, and vote how it holds up as a story by itself.
A story like that can (and has) won this competition. But in this case, you shouldn't be permitted to vote on the story at all if it is in fact DQ'd. Somepony should inform Roger so we can have a decision. If the DQ was unintentional, the story will stay up in the gallery but it will no longer appear on anypony's slates.
>>Leo
>>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question
>>Not_A_Hat
As Hat noted, enforcement of genre is done by voters. Don't abstain. Just rate it as you would anything else.
If the story is too dependent on its context, then rate it accordingly, i.e., there should be no expectation from the author that you know anything about, e.g., Overwatch's narrative, characters, etc.
>>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question
>>Not_A_Hat
As Hat noted, enforcement of genre is done by voters. Don't abstain. Just rate it as you would anything else.
If the story is too dependent on its context, then rate it accordingly, i.e., there should be no expectation from the author that you know anything about, e.g., Overwatch's narrative, characters, etc.
Post by
Not_A_Hat
, deleted
A note about perspective:
This paragraph is told mostly from Mei's perspective, when the rest of the piece is told entirely from Zarya's point of view. Since this is decidedly Zarya's story, you'd do well to switch around Mei's actions so that they are viewed from Zarya's perspective. We don't really gain anything from our brief jaunt inside Mei's head, since we already knew the power was failing and we already knew Zarya was armored and hauling around a cannon from previous descriptions in the story. It also helps readers from getting confused when a story sticks with a single perspective, particularly in flash fiction.
That said, I certainly don't mind seeing crossover fics like this, and as an avid fan of Overwatch I wouldn't mind seeing more down the line.
The woman reached into the pocket of her old faux-fur parka and pulled out classic square-framed glasses. She put them on and squinted up at Zarya’s massive form and equally massive looking gun that pulsed with something like contained particle. She gasped at the armor and weapons, wondering what sort of situation she’d been awakened into. From the looks of the rest of station’s main room, she guessed the cryo unit was barely running on emergency power.
This paragraph is told mostly from Mei's perspective, when the rest of the piece is told entirely from Zarya's point of view. Since this is decidedly Zarya's story, you'd do well to switch around Mei's actions so that they are viewed from Zarya's perspective. We don't really gain anything from our brief jaunt inside Mei's head, since we already knew the power was failing and we already knew Zarya was armored and hauling around a cannon from previous descriptions in the story. It also helps readers from getting confused when a story sticks with a single perspective, particularly in flash fiction.
That said, I certainly don't mind seeing crossover fics like this, and as an avid fan of Overwatch I wouldn't mind seeing more down the line.
>>Icenrose
>>RogerDodger
I'd like to dialogue a little on this, because I'm very confused. (None of this is anti-Bae, either: I like this story except for the lack of context and would like to see stories like this allowed, as I explain below.)
When "General" rounds changed to "Original", the only difference was that we were no longer going to allow fanfics as part of the rules of the competition. We had already been doing what Roger is describing back when the rounds were called "General". In "General" rounds, fanfics were graded by the participants in a similar manner to how we had been ranking crossover fics (Horizon gave a good description of this process which I agreed with). Horizon won a competition in one of the "General" rounds with a pony fic. Nopony had a problem with it.
Then we made a big to-do about changing the rules.
I could have sworn I asked Roger if this meant that an intentional rules violation of posting fanfic in an "Original" round would remove your fic from the competition. Given the drugs I take, it's very likely I misremember. But if it's actually okay for us to submit fanfics to "Original" rounds, even though it's a direct violation of the stated rules, then nothing has actually changed. We're still doing "General" rounds rather than "Original", except breaking one of the rules won't get your stories ejected from the competition.
This matters to me because I actually prefer "General", but I'm not going to submit something that is a willful violation of the rules because those get deleted from the website (which I've also bitched on).
So which way is it? Are we still doing "General" and just 'pretending' it's against the rules to submit fanfics, or...?
>>RogerDodger
I'd like to dialogue a little on this, because I'm very confused. (None of this is anti-Bae, either: I like this story except for the lack of context and would like to see stories like this allowed, as I explain below.)
When "General" rounds changed to "Original", the only difference was that we were no longer going to allow fanfics as part of the rules of the competition. We had already been doing what Roger is describing back when the rounds were called "General". In "General" rounds, fanfics were graded by the participants in a similar manner to how we had been ranking crossover fics (Horizon gave a good description of this process which I agreed with). Horizon won a competition in one of the "General" rounds with a pony fic. Nopony had a problem with it.
Then we made a big to-do about changing the rules.
I could have sworn I asked Roger if this meant that an intentional rules violation of posting fanfic in an "Original" round would remove your fic from the competition. Given the drugs I take, it's very likely I misremember. But if it's actually okay for us to submit fanfics to "Original" rounds, even though it's a direct violation of the stated rules, then nothing has actually changed. We're still doing "General" rounds rather than "Original", except breaking one of the rules won't get your stories ejected from the competition.
This matters to me because I actually prefer "General", but I'm not going to submit something that is a willful violation of the rules because those get deleted from the website (which I've also bitched on).
So which way is it? Are we still doing "General" and just 'pretending' it's against the rules to submit fanfics, or...?
>>Trick_Question
From what Roger has said before, I think that his intention to discourage new participants from submitting fanfics without realizing that doing so is "playing on hard mode." When the contest is explicitly for original fiction, anyone who submits a fanfic should realize that a lot of people are probably going to penalize them for it.
Personally, I would rather have the "Original" rounds actually restricted to original fiction. But if people are going to be allowed to submit fanfics in them, I agree that they should return to being "General" rounds.
From what Roger has said before, I think that his intention to discourage new participants from submitting fanfics without realizing that doing so is "playing on hard mode." When the contest is explicitly for original fiction, anyone who submits a fanfic should realize that a lot of people are probably going to penalize them for it.
Personally, I would rather have the "Original" rounds actually restricted to original fiction. But if people are going to be allowed to submit fanfics in them, I agree that they should return to being "General" rounds.
And since I've left a comment here now, I might as well actually review the story too.
All I know about Overwatch is that it had a beta last week and what's in this story. So I'm not entirely sure what's going on here. Something about a war and possibly a robot apocalypse? Or maybe the robots are just malfunctioning murderously.
It's not a bad standalone scene, but I think it would have done better in this competition if you had just filed off the serial numbers and disconnected it from Overwatch entirely. It is, for the most part, understandable without any knowledge of Overwatch, but the last few lines are the biggest exception. I suspect that they would have more meaning if I knew more about Overwatch, but without that knowledge, they're pretty empty to me.
All I know about Overwatch is that it had a beta last week and what's in this story. So I'm not entirely sure what's going on here. Something about a war and possibly a robot apocalypse? Or maybe the robots are just malfunctioning murderously.
It's not a bad standalone scene, but I think it would have done better in this competition if you had just filed off the serial numbers and disconnected it from Overwatch entirely. It is, for the most part, understandable without any knowledge of Overwatch, but the last few lines are the biggest exception. I suspect that they would have more meaning if I knew more about Overwatch, but without that knowledge, they're pretty empty to me.
>>Trick_Question
To echo what >>The_Letter_J said, stories that are fanfiction are not explicitly banned and are not disqualified if they are submitted to the competition. The name was changed solely to encourage writers to submit original material, as fanfiction tends to have rookies fall into the trap of undercharacterization and poor worldbuilding, relying too heavily on familiarity with the source material, which could result in unfamiliar readers being left in the lurch and penalizing the stories accordingly. That's the rationale as I remember it, anyways.
So, to more directly answer your question, Trixie, no, nothing has functionally changed from the General fic rounds of old.
To echo what >>The_Letter_J said, stories that are fanfiction are not explicitly banned and are not disqualified if they are submitted to the competition. The name was changed solely to encourage writers to submit original material, as fanfiction tends to have rookies fall into the trap of undercharacterization and poor worldbuilding, relying too heavily on familiarity with the source material, which could result in unfamiliar readers being left in the lurch and penalizing the stories accordingly. That's the rationale as I remember it, anyways.
So, to more directly answer your question, Trixie, no, nothing has functionally changed from the General fic rounds of old.
>>Icenrose
Well, I still won't ever risk it based on what I currently know. The threat of a story I've worked on being destroyed—if I didn't maintain a backup offline, which I don't feel like doing with Original rounds—is sufficient for me to fall in line.
Well, I still won't ever risk it based on what I currently know. The threat of a story I've worked on being destroyed—if I didn't maintain a backup offline, which I don't feel like doing with Original rounds—is sufficient for me to fall in line.
I have only a passing familiarity with Overwatch. Not enough to fully understand everything mentioned here, but enough to recognize the characters that this story focuses on. (I do hope one day, when I possess the proper equipment, to be able to play this game.)
With that in mind:
This is fairly solid, though it ultimately feels more like a prologue to a longer piece than a story capable of standing on its own. There's no real tension in Zarya exploring the abandoned base, which would have been a good opportunity to shade in her character a little. Exploring a snowbound structure with the possibility of a hostile response is something most readers would balk at attempting, but, given she is a trained and seasoned soldier, this would be considered child's play for her. Some explanation of why this would be easy for her would have been good.
There is also a noticeable dearth of conflict here: Zarya drops from the insertion helicopter, makes her way through this white hell, findsMoebait EskimoMei, has a brief firefight with a repurposed droid, and then ends with them heading out to be retrieved. It's all a little too straightforward. The only real conflict comes from that aforementioned firefight, but it ends far too fast, and only serves to show that a robot that was not designed for combat, attempting to duel a special forces operator armed with a big fuggin' gun, is going to be at a fatal disadvantage.
One thing I especially liked about this story was the use of Cyrillic and Chinese characters (I confess I am not sure which specific Chinese alphabet is being used here). It did a nice job of stressing the multi-national aspect of the team without being distracting or needlessly confusing. It was not a major aspect of the narrative, perhaps, but it was a nice touch, all the same.
While I doubt that this is the first Overwatch fanfic that has been written, it certainly has to be one of the first. There is definitely a special little joy in being able to contribute something creative to a sprouting fandom. Hopefully, it can help shape the path of future fics to come.
Thank you, author, for writing this.
With that in mind:
This is fairly solid, though it ultimately feels more like a prologue to a longer piece than a story capable of standing on its own. There's no real tension in Zarya exploring the abandoned base, which would have been a good opportunity to shade in her character a little. Exploring a snowbound structure with the possibility of a hostile response is something most readers would balk at attempting, but, given she is a trained and seasoned soldier, this would be considered child's play for her. Some explanation of why this would be easy for her would have been good.
There is also a noticeable dearth of conflict here: Zarya drops from the insertion helicopter, makes her way through this white hell, finds
One thing I especially liked about this story was the use of Cyrillic and Chinese characters (I confess I am not sure which specific Chinese alphabet is being used here). It did a nice job of stressing the multi-national aspect of the team without being distracting or needlessly confusing. It was not a major aspect of the narrative, perhaps, but it was a nice touch, all the same.
While I doubt that this is the first Overwatch fanfic that has been written, it certainly has to be one of the first. There is definitely a special little joy in being able to contribute something creative to a sprouting fandom. Hopefully, it can help shape the path of future fics to come.
Thank you, author, for writing this.
>>Hagdal Hohensalza
>>The_Letter_J
>>Icenrose
>>Baal Bunny
Ok, now that the prelims are over, I can finally chime in on these reviews and advice!
I can easily see the consensus here is a lack of backstory into the Overwatch lore hamstringed this from the start. I knew that was going to be an issue going in, and I did three drafts that tried to work that into the story, but I shot past the word limit hardcore each time. So I filed it down to JUST dialogue and actions, and then started on a fourth rebuild to add in some of those details back in and keep it under cap. It didn't work...or didn't work well enough.
The tie to the prompt was that time did not heal all wounds. Mei (from the Overwatch lore) is supposed to be a member of the original Overwatch organization that formed to combat the robot uprising. Things were just getting calmed down when she went into emergency cryo. All these years later, the new Overwatch(which is the current events of the game) has finally sent someone in to check the old station and finds her alive, but from Mei's perspective, things are right back where they left off even after 25 years.
That obviously did not make it through very strongly.
Well, that's okay. Now I know where to focus my efforts on bringing that out and make it clearer, so someone new to Overwatch can enjoy it without having to dig into the lore.
Thanks for the solid advice.
>>The_Letter_J
>>Icenrose
>>Baal Bunny
Ok, now that the prelims are over, I can finally chime in on these reviews and advice!
I can easily see the consensus here is a lack of backstory into the Overwatch lore hamstringed this from the start. I knew that was going to be an issue going in, and I did three drafts that tried to work that into the story, but I shot past the word limit hardcore each time. So I filed it down to JUST dialogue and actions, and then started on a fourth rebuild to add in some of those details back in and keep it under cap. It didn't work...or didn't work well enough.
The tie to the prompt was that time did not heal all wounds. Mei (from the Overwatch lore) is supposed to be a member of the original Overwatch organization that formed to combat the robot uprising. Things were just getting calmed down when she went into emergency cryo. All these years later, the new Overwatch(which is the current events of the game) has finally sent someone in to check the old station and finds her alive, but from Mei's perspective, things are right back where they left off even after 25 years.
That obviously did not make it through very strongly.
Well, that's okay. Now I know where to focus my efforts on bringing that out and make it clearer, so someone new to Overwatch can enjoy it without having to dig into the lore.
Thanks for the solid advice.