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Uncharted Territory · Friendship is Short Shorts Short Short ·
Organised by CoffeeMinion
Word limit 750–1250
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Facing the Storm
Rocky Road looked up at the sky. The sun was blazing hot and orange, beating down on his ponies. Any pity he felt for them was countered by how foolish they were. He warned them it was going to be hell out here with no hat, but did they listen? No, they all laughed at him for looking like a fool. Now they had to take extra breaks to keep from keeling over.

He spat at the ground and adjusted his hat. "Rose, what's the status?"

"Sir! I'm just about done chartin' this area, and then we can move on."

Cardinal Rose might’ve been his second in command, but her job was much more important. Rocky might've known how to keep some damn fools in line, but he didn't know the first thing about maps, let alone maps of deserts. How anyone could look at this unending flatness and figure out a map was beyond him.

"Let me know when you're good to go, I want to get a move on before the sun goes down.”

"Of course, sir."

He sighed, leaning back in his chair and tilting his hat down to cover everything but the horizon. Staring at a couple of rocks and a cactus might've been boring, but it was all he had. Yessir, nothing but some rocks, a cactus, and some dust clouds.

He blinked, squinting at the horizon. Nope, not a trick of the eyes. What the hay was anyone else doing out here in these wastes?

Thinking came later, though. It was time for action. "Breaks over, ponies! Get up and raise arms!"

Guns were a relatively new invention, coming from Abyssinia. Rumor had it the crown there demanded all the factories and blueprints destroyed when they saw what they could do. Most ponies hated them, so there was no real chance of anyone reverse-engineering them, but they had their uses for ponies like him.

His "little soldiers"—he spat at the ground again—reluctantly raised them and assumed the sloppiest formation he'd seen in all his years.

Whatever the creatures in the dust clouds were, they came running up and stopped in front of them. He looked them up and down. They were much larger than the average pony, but they looked awkward—too much torso, not enough leg. Looks could be deceiving, though, and judging by the way he and his men were being sized up as well, he had an idea that these creatures were tougher than they seemed.

"What are you doing here, ponies?"

"We're exploring uncharted lands, sir. Expanding the territory of the crown in honor of her highness Princess Celestia."

The lead one’s eyes narrowed. "Did the Princess authorize this?"

"No, sir. We've been doing this for years though, charting lands and gifting them to the crown."

"We have a treaty with your crown. This here is the territory of the buffalo, ponies. Leave. Now."

The buffalo crouched and assumed aggressive stances. Rocky Road glanced back and saw his crew were tensing, with pasterns approaching modified triggers.

He whistled, calmly saying, "At ease, ponies. No need for this to escalate." When he heard them putting their rifles down, he doffed his hat to the buffalo. "My apologies, sir. We meant no offense, we truly didn't expect anyone to be out here." He gestured back at Rose. "But as you can see, even if we aren't claiming any lands here today, we're doing important work. The world deserves to have maps."

The buffalo snorted, but some of the tension in him and his men was lost. "Why do you need maps here, though? The buffalo tribes know these lands. We don't need any maps to know where to go."

"But that's just the thing, sir. We want a map of the whole continent! It's the dream of Rose over there, and the true job me and these other folks have is making sure she accomplishes that dream."

She smiled, but her eyes betrayed her confusion. He was just glad she really did dream of making a map of the continent, helped make his sell more convincing.

"So what do you say, fellas? You ok with us making a few harmless maps for a young mare's dream?"

The buffalo continued to eye them warily but, after a heated discussion, their leader hesitantly nodded. “We see no harm with you making maps. We will travel with you as long as you are in these lands though.”

He nodded back. “But of course, sir, my ponies will be on their best behavior.”




As he led his crew out of the desert, he could still feel the gaze of their buffalo escorts upon them.

As they crested the first hill he’d seen in days and gazed at the valley that marked being in true Equestrian lands, he chuckled.

"Sir?"

He turned to Rose, who was biting her lip. She opened her mouth and went back to biting her lip. After seeing that sequence four more times Rocky exasperatedly asked, "What is it, girl? C'mon, spit it out."

She flinched, but was shocked out of her silence, blurting out, "Why did we waste all that time makin’ maps?" She hastily shook her head and looked at him fearfully. "Not that I'm complaining about makin’ maps! I'm just... curious."

"Oh, is that all? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret, honey." He grinned at her. They were out of the watchful sight of the buffalo, and her naivety wasn’t going to be doing her any favors from here out. "Most ponies are scared of the unknown, but with those maps there? That 'uncharted territory' isn't so unknown anymore. And it takes a lot to keep ponies away from the known."

He held up his hoof to signal a break. As he heard the useless louts behind sigh with relief and sloppily set up camp, he turned back to Rose. "Maybe we didn't claim those lands for the crown today. Maybe it won't happen in our lifetime. But I can assure you, hon." He chortled, and it only got louder as he saw the discomfort on her face. Quieting down, he finished, "Those lands are gonna be pony lands someday."
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#1 · 2
·
Genre: Cartography

Thoughts: So as much as I hate to say it, I bounced off a few things during my read-through of this. I don’t feel like these are insurmountable, but there are a few specific places where I might focus as you work toward a second draft.

The main thing is around establishing the characters early and thoroughly, so we can start getting oriented to who and what the story is likely to be about. Now I do think the story does bits of this well, but I feel like there are some gaps that prevent it from gelling fully. Rocky Road himself is an example of doing this pretty well; by the end we’ve learned a good bit about his motivations, outlook, and tactics—and all these things have been building on each other throughout the story. A significant counterpoint, though, is the unclear identities of the ponies traveling with Rocky and Rose. Yes, we eventually infer that they’re guards of some kind, but I feel like the story tiptoes around their purpose and relationship with Rocky. Rose also has good but challenging aspects; the “dream of Rose” line seems like it should finally establish a strong motivation and characterization for her, but at the end it doesn’t seem like she’s clear on Rocky’s goals. That ends up leaving the relationships between characters unclear, which in turn blunts the ending’s impact.

With all that said, though, the story wins bonus points with me for its all-OC cast. That’s definitely hard mode in a Minific contest, because you have to burn wordcount just to introduce them—and the added length of Short Shorts only buys you so much more.

It’s also worth calling out the bits that aim at being more visceral and atmospheric, such as the blazing orange sky at the beginning. Those add good visual elements, and I’d like to see more.

I think it’s also worth asking if you‘d consider tackling some of the implications of Rocky Road’s long-term plans; for instance, is Rose okay with what he’s ultimately trying to do, and if not, could that be used to create more tension at the ending?

Tier: Keep Developing
#2 · 1
·
I wasn't digging the conflict here. These pones needed more skin in the game. It felt dry and saggy, like a granny's tits after she's been living in the air-conditioned retirement home for years and they don't have a humidifier. Make it more pert, smooth, and tight. Focus on the nipples conflict. Let's take a gander, eh?

He blinked, squinting at the horizon. Nope, not a trick of the eyes. What the hay was anyone else doing out here in these wastes?

Boring. This idea continues until the buffs speak. Knock it off. The words that don't matter don't count. For this paragraph, the blink and squint captures every idea. The rest is a waste. The question could lead to a punchline from another character, but the inherent irony is just a withered husk of potential.

Cartography of War kept my interest by throwing together two characters in constant conflict. This one not so much.
#3 · 4
· · >>LoftyWithers
Technical difficulties first:

You've got lots of run-on sentences, author, places that have commas when they should have periods. Maybe my analogy here would be, "If you go out into the desert without knowing the rules of survival, you're gonna get penalized," but that's really reaching...

As for the story, I'd also recommend a little more push back from Rose--since she's the only other named character, the job would fall to her. Give her some actual character for starters--imagine if she were, say, some combination of Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle: what would she think of Rocky Road and his methods?--and then show us her character entirely through Rocky Road's perceptions. I'm also not sure what the title means, but I'm kinda dense than way... :)

Mike
#4 · 2
· · >>Baal Bunny
>>Baal Bunny
run-on sentences, author, places that have commas when they should have periods

I find an example or two is really helpful in these cases. Otherwise, when I don't see the technical error in my own work, I just end up thinking the reviewer didn't know what they were talking about.
#5 · 4
·
>>LoftyWithers

Here are five examples of misused commas:

Let me know when you're good to go, I want to get a move on before the sun goes down.

We meant no offense, we truly didn't expect anyone to be out here.

He was just glad she really did dream of making a map of the continent, helped make his sell more convincing.

But of course, sir, my ponies will be on their best behavior.

She flinched, but was shocked out of her silence


The first three are straight-up comma splices. In the fourth, one could make an argument about the comma after "sir" if one wished to, and in the fifth case, there shouldn't be a comma before "but" since the verbs "flinched" and "shocked" share a subject.

Mike Again
#6 · 2
·
I wanted to say something witty at the beginning here, but Coffee's review made me think of my favorite level from Halo: Combat Evolved, "The Silent Cartographer."

Something I liked:

The connection isn't entirely pointless either, since "Facing the Storm" is, much like the king of Halo levels, about exploring territory that is already occupied by a force that maybe doesn't want you there. When I first read this entry, the main thing to take away was the ending, and the implications of it. Having only two named characters was a good idea, since they're OCs, and keeping track of too many OCs in a fic so short would be a hassle, but the whole thing is nicely self-contained. One could argue its connection to horse is tenuous, but I can at least see the parallels being drawn here.

Something I didn't like:

Although, implications aside, this story is desperately lacking in something, and that's conflict. The confrontation between Rocky Balboa Road and the buffalo gets resolved within a few sentences, and the same thing happens when Rose questions him about the purpose of the map-drawing. One would thing there conflict would arise from this, specially since historically speaking a lot of cartography has been done with insidious intent, but once again the conflict dies out too quickly. This is an entry that, like a few others this round, suffers from being so short.

Verdict: I like it more than its closest living relative, which would be "Forever," but I'm still not too keen on it.
#7 · 2
·
Ok, I swear I wasn’t trying to rant, but I wasn’t able to voice my thoughts properly and it just turned into this rambling mess.

Aside from some of the technical difficulties others have raised, there are a few things that outright confuse me about this, even with subsequent readings.

I find myself wondering about why this group of ponies is as cohesive as it is.

Rocky seems to hate the group... a lot. And he seems to treat most of them like dirt. Only him and Rose seem to have something approaching an amenable relationship, and even that seems kinda sketchy since she’s so reluctant to even ask him a question. There’s no visible dynamic that holds the group together.

Are they scared of Rocky? It doesn’t seem so, they laugh at him over something simple.

Even though they’re not officially part of Equestria, are they actually “little soldiers” or (since it’s in quotes) is he saying that in a derogatory fashion about them? What even are they, if not an official force? The guns seem out of place, are they bandits?

Maybe it’s me, but the group just seems like one that wouldn’t remain together.

Then there’s the bit with Rose. It’s confusing how she wants to make a map of the continent, but then in the next scene asks why they wasted time doing just that.

I suppose that question comes back to the group again.

Their purpose of existence seems dubious. They’re a bunch of ponies who don’t get along, who don’t work for anypony, but occasionally map regions and tell the crown that now they belong to the crown? How does that even work?

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be overly critical (fail for me there), it just seems that Rocky’s group needs a little more backstory or something to make their actual purpose more tangible.
#8 · 4
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M A N I F E S T D E S T I N Y

I dunno why, but I think I had the most difficulty forming an opinion on this story. The other commenters did a pretty good job of getting to the core of it so I'll echo what they say.

First, I think the characterization of Rocky Road was pretty good, and I enjoyed getting to know his personality and motivations. Thought the final reveal was pretty clever. I was mixed on his inner thoughts, though, and they didn't entirely work for me for one reason or another. Maybe some of it was due to some repetition I felt was maybe not needed? For ex: I would have cut the second "fool" part and the "and figure out a map was" part.

Agree with Baal that the grammar could've used some work, and he gives some pretty good examples.

I would have appreciated some character expansion on Rose. All we know is she's good at maps and likes mapping things. In the final scene though, I was confused by her dialogue, where she wonders why they're "wasting time" making maps, which is something I feel she wouldn't believe. Also am curious as to why she sticks with Rocky Road.

I think the initial description of the buffalo is a bit long-winded, and I think did more to confuse me than intrigue me as to what the creatures were. Maybe an earlier reveal that they were buffalos would've served the purpose better, so then you can actually describe their imposing stature a little more in detail. Also agree that there should be maybe more tension. The buildup was really good, but I think the problem might have been solved a little too quickly. Noting here real quick though, I really enjoyed Rocky Road's outer dialogue here; it was probably one of the highlights of the entire story.

I think the final scene could benefit well from some additional expansion. Aside from going more in depth about Rose's situation, maybe there could be some more depth into Rocky Road's relationship with the grunts too, which I find kind of suspect. There are a couple sentences that are a little awkward or could be elaborated on too, for ex: "After seeing that sequence four more times" and "her naivety wasn’t going to be doing her any favors from here out".

Overall though, this was pretty enjoyable and I'd look forward to any additional expansion featuring a more developed whole cast. Thanks for the entry, anon!
#9 · 2
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An interesting look at what could have been in the past, before Appleoosa and the like came to be. I think the resolution of the conflict, as little as there is, is fairly quick, though that does help to highlight the naivety of the buffalo in this exchange. Rocky Road's character is on good display, but Compass Rose doesn't get a lot, and that hurts things a bit as well. With some expansion, maybe showing the start of the party's trip into buffalo lands, and maybe even some further interactions between the buffalo and the ponies, could help things here.