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It's No Good
Princess Cadance sprayed scalding tea from her disbelieving mouth, dousing both the newspaper and the pair of crystal servants whose backs it’d been resting on. The duo screamed and took off galloping at random about the tasteful yet lavishly baroque dinette.
“Shiny!” Cadance barked.
Twenty mare-lengths distant across their table, Shining Armor glanced above his reading glasses and lowered a forkful of eggs. “Yes, dear?”
Cadance shot up, knocking her chair back, shattering its decorative crystal knobs against the blue marble floor. The sound struck her as a suitable accompaniment for the grim tidings at hoof. “Equestria—” she took a ragged breath “—lies in the throes of a sex shortage!”
A giggle next to Shining drew Cadance’s gaze toward Princess Flurry Heart, who wriggled and pounded her tiny hooves against her high chair. “Sek!” she chirped. “Sek, sek—”
Shining’s horn lit, and a perfectly pink pacifier popped into the petite Princess’ puckered mouth. “Don’t you remember the last time we mentioned you-know-what in front of her? She was saying it for weeks!”
“As is her birthright!”
Shining sighed. “So what does a ‘sex shortage’ mean, anyway?”
“It means that ponies are prioritizing individual goals like careers and travel above gettin’ bizzay. That means less foals—”
“Fewer foals,” Shining corrected.
“Fewer, fine! But that individual focus also leads to less connection with others. That means less love, a lower population, downward pressure on the escort industry…”
“Hm. That’d impact our tax base.”
“Exactly! This sex shortage is a threat that I will not take lying down.” Cadance lit her horn and blasted the newspaper, setting alight a pair of servants who were picking it up and mopping the floor where it had fallen. Their pained screams stoked the fires of purpose in her gut. “There’s only one pony who can help me now—”
“I can’t help you,” Twilight deadpanned. “Influencing ponies’ intimate lives through magic has frankly shocking ethical implications.”
Cadance reared up and slammed her hooves upon the map table. Long cracks lanced across it, drawing a strangulated cry from Twilight. “And what about the consequences if you don’t?!”
“I just had that magically resurfaced!”
“By whom? A company that won’t even exist when this rising tide of not-gettin’-it-on crests all over you?”
“I… um… ew?”
Cadance leaned back from the table, nostrils flaring. “To Tartarus with ethics, Twilight; we’re talking about the survival of Equestria here. It’s a numbers game—you like those, right? It’s one plus zero equals zero!”
Twilight’s eye twitched. “No, look… there’s a school of thought that Equestria’s above its ‘ideal’ population anyway. And ongoing advances in magical automation might eventually put a lot of earth ponies out of work! I’ve already been rehearsing how I might tell Applejack she’s obsolete…”
“But what about love? Romance? Connection?!” Cadance kicked the table again. A large hunk of crystal broke off, shattering at Twilight’s hooves.
After a futile attempt to magic some shards of the table back together, Twilight slumped and sighed. “Cadance, I won’t help you override ponies’ free will. And for what it’s worth, I think the whole premise about less sex being entirely negative is… fallacious at best.”
“Well maybe if you spent less time just thinking about ‘fallacies,’ and more time getting your—”
“Stop!” Twilight turned her blushing face aside. “Bringing up my limited romantic success does not make me inclined to help. It doesn’t even bolster your argument that ponies’ increasing focus on individual pursuits is undermining their potential interconnectedness with others!” She paused. “Or… maybe it does. Fine.”
“We could’ve beaten this together,” Cadance bellowed. “But if you leave me to beat it alone, there’s one last desperate option I’d considered—”
“I’m flattered, though surprised.” Suddenly Queen Chrysalis’ ears perked. She whirled and squashed a razor-toothed, zucchini-sized lizard against the vine-swathed swamp tree it’d been stalking her from.
“Sorry.” Chrysalis wiped her hoof on thick marsh grass. “Anyway: you want my help solving this Equestrian ‘sex shortage?’”
Cadance nodded. “Yes!”
“Which means you’d let me and a near-future wave of offspring proliferate, stoke infernos of lust, and siphon Equestria’s residual love?”
“Absolutely!”
“And… you’re okay with the inherent irony of a singlemindedly goal-oriented ‘Princess of Love’ promoting a dichotomy of sex versus goals, when neither necessarily cultivates deep connections like love?”
“Desperate times, Chrysalis. Desperate times.”
Chrysalis shrugged. “Far be it from me, dearie. I just need one thing: a stallion. One in specific. You said you’d give me… anything?”
“Right!”
“Any… hubby?”
Cadance blinked.
“Oh. Wait. Wait a minute…”
“Shiny!” Cadance barked.
Twenty mare-lengths distant across their table, Shining Armor glanced above his reading glasses and lowered a forkful of eggs. “Yes, dear?”
Cadance shot up, knocking her chair back, shattering its decorative crystal knobs against the blue marble floor. The sound struck her as a suitable accompaniment for the grim tidings at hoof. “Equestria—” she took a ragged breath “—lies in the throes of a sex shortage!”
A giggle next to Shining drew Cadance’s gaze toward Princess Flurry Heart, who wriggled and pounded her tiny hooves against her high chair. “Sek!” she chirped. “Sek, sek—”
Shining’s horn lit, and a perfectly pink pacifier popped into the petite Princess’ puckered mouth. “Don’t you remember the last time we mentioned you-know-what in front of her? She was saying it for weeks!”
“As is her birthright!”
Shining sighed. “So what does a ‘sex shortage’ mean, anyway?”
“It means that ponies are prioritizing individual goals like careers and travel above gettin’ bizzay. That means less foals—”
“Fewer foals,” Shining corrected.
“Fewer, fine! But that individual focus also leads to less connection with others. That means less love, a lower population, downward pressure on the escort industry…”
“Hm. That’d impact our tax base.”
“Exactly! This sex shortage is a threat that I will not take lying down.” Cadance lit her horn and blasted the newspaper, setting alight a pair of servants who were picking it up and mopping the floor where it had fallen. Their pained screams stoked the fires of purpose in her gut. “There’s only one pony who can help me now—”
“I can’t help you,” Twilight deadpanned. “Influencing ponies’ intimate lives through magic has frankly shocking ethical implications.”
Cadance reared up and slammed her hooves upon the map table. Long cracks lanced across it, drawing a strangulated cry from Twilight. “And what about the consequences if you don’t?!”
“I just had that magically resurfaced!”
“By whom? A company that won’t even exist when this rising tide of not-gettin’-it-on crests all over you?”
“I… um… ew?”
Cadance leaned back from the table, nostrils flaring. “To Tartarus with ethics, Twilight; we’re talking about the survival of Equestria here. It’s a numbers game—you like those, right? It’s one plus zero equals zero!”
Twilight’s eye twitched. “No, look… there’s a school of thought that Equestria’s above its ‘ideal’ population anyway. And ongoing advances in magical automation might eventually put a lot of earth ponies out of work! I’ve already been rehearsing how I might tell Applejack she’s obsolete…”
“But what about love? Romance? Connection?!” Cadance kicked the table again. A large hunk of crystal broke off, shattering at Twilight’s hooves.
After a futile attempt to magic some shards of the table back together, Twilight slumped and sighed. “Cadance, I won’t help you override ponies’ free will. And for what it’s worth, I think the whole premise about less sex being entirely negative is… fallacious at best.”
“Well maybe if you spent less time just thinking about ‘fallacies,’ and more time getting your—”
“Stop!” Twilight turned her blushing face aside. “Bringing up my limited romantic success does not make me inclined to help. It doesn’t even bolster your argument that ponies’ increasing focus on individual pursuits is undermining their potential interconnectedness with others!” She paused. “Or… maybe it does. Fine.”
“We could’ve beaten this together,” Cadance bellowed. “But if you leave me to beat it alone, there’s one last desperate option I’d considered—”
“I’m flattered, though surprised.” Suddenly Queen Chrysalis’ ears perked. She whirled and squashed a razor-toothed, zucchini-sized lizard against the vine-swathed swamp tree it’d been stalking her from.
“Sorry.” Chrysalis wiped her hoof on thick marsh grass. “Anyway: you want my help solving this Equestrian ‘sex shortage?’”
Cadance nodded. “Yes!”
“Which means you’d let me and a near-future wave of offspring proliferate, stoke infernos of lust, and siphon Equestria’s residual love?”
“Absolutely!”
“And… you’re okay with the inherent irony of a singlemindedly goal-oriented ‘Princess of Love’ promoting a dichotomy of sex versus goals, when neither necessarily cultivates deep connections like love?”
“Desperate times, Chrysalis. Desperate times.”
Chrysalis shrugged. “Far be it from me, dearie. I just need one thing: a stallion. One in specific. You said you’d give me… anything?”
“Right!”
“Any… hubby?”
Cadance blinked.
“Oh. Wait. Wait a minute…”
Okay, I'm going to be up front—this is one of my favorite pieces this round.
Cadence's "birthright" line actually made me put my phone down for a minute to laugh, so thank you sincerely for that. Seriously, as far as character deconstruction comedies go, Cadance is in absolutely top form here.
Now, in terms of critique, I can unfortunately tell that you are absolutely hitting that word limit super hard. The first scene definitely has the best jokes and pacing to me. The second scene works well as a transition, but by the time we get to the third scene, it's kinda clear to me that you're doing the best you can with the last 100 or so words you've got.
Unfortunately, this means that my primary advice would not have helped you at all this competition—I'm just going to have to recommend you to expand this once you've got the chance. I get the feeling that you must have had to cut out a bunch of ideas and jokes, and I wish I could see them all.
But regardless, what we still get is great, nevertheless. Thank you for submitting!
Cadence's "birthright" line actually made me put my phone down for a minute to laugh, so thank you sincerely for that. Seriously, as far as character deconstruction comedies go, Cadance is in absolutely top form here.
Now, in terms of critique, I can unfortunately tell that you are absolutely hitting that word limit super hard. The first scene definitely has the best jokes and pacing to me. The second scene works well as a transition, but by the time we get to the third scene, it's kinda clear to me that you're doing the best you can with the last 100 or so words you've got.
Unfortunately, this means that my primary advice would not have helped you at all this competition—I'm just going to have to recommend you to expand this once you've got the chance. I get the feeling that you must have had to cut out a bunch of ideas and jokes, and I wish I could see them all.
But regardless, what we still get is great, nevertheless. Thank you for submitting!
But that individual focus also leads to less connection with others. That means less love, a lower population, downward pressure on the escort industry…”
“Hm. That’d impact our tax base.”
And I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard. That, dear author, is certified platinum comedy right there. This was a riot, and Cadance was somehow crazy and so in character all at the same time. I'm not sure how you did it but you did it. Well done!
“Hm. That’d impact our tax base.”
And I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard. That, dear author, is certified platinum comedy right there. This was a riot, and Cadance was somehow crazy and so in character all at the same time. I'm not sure how you did it but you did it. Well done!
“Influencing ponies’ intimate lives through magic has frankly shocking ethical implications.”
I like to think Twilight had read "Laissez-Fate."
Something I liked:
Hey, this is pretty zany. I've been begging for a comedy of this sort all round, and I got it. Kind of. I picture this version of Cadance, who for some reason is a goddamn lunatic, trying to solve this "sex shortage" problem. There are several entries this round that discuss sex (you horny bastards), always in a comedic context, and of those I'd say this entry pulls it off the most successfully, if only because of how crazy it is. I was ready to go to town on this entry for like the first three quarters, I was having so much fun. But then...
Something I didn't like:
That last scene was weak. Much like with "Love. Bake. Cupcake," this is mostly a series of funny and promising rapid-fire jokes that unfortunately result in a botched landing. Not in the same way, though. Is it just me, or does Chrysalis just sound wrong here? Granted, nobody's really "in-character" in this entry, and that's the point, but I feel like Chrysalis was written to be almost the sane man to Cadance, when in fact she should've been even crazier. She's supposed to be like a villain, right?
Verdict: Not as hyped about this as some people are, but for the most part I think it succeeds at what it's doing.
the pair of crystal servants whose backs it’d been resting on
Yikes. Okay, this must be a random-level comedy.
"As is her birthright!"
This was the one place I legitimately laughed.
"Hm. That’d impact our tax base."
Cadance agreeing with this logic feels weird. It makes it sound like she doesn't really care about the love, which doesn't mesh with what she expresses in the rest of the story. I'd like to see more focus on a single motivation for her. When she argues for more sex, she's all over the map about why, and it isn't clear what the mane reason is that she's so upset. This means I'm left unclear on the overwhelming motivation that is the centerpiece of the story.
A large hunk of crystal broke off, shattering at Twilight’s hooves.
This is a bit too much for me to find humorous. I think you've crossed the line between comedy and dramatic farce, and it makes me cringe rather than giggle.
The last scene works very well and isn't crazy random, so I liked it, but the ending is a little flat. Cadance isn't backed into a corner here because she hasn't agreed to anything and this is a ridiculous idea in the first place. Chrysalis is desperate and has no hoofing to leverage a bargain. So it sounds like Cadance isn't likely to respond positively to the demand, and I'm left wondering what will happen next. That makes this feel like it ends in an incomplete place rather than on humor. I think it might be funnier to end it with Cadance ordering Shiny to have sex with Chryssi.
Twilight the straight mare to Cadence (and, to a lesser extent, Shiny) being ridonculous. The first two scenes were hilarious! However, Chrysalis reads as both off from being Chrysalis and not fitting well into the tone of the rest of the story, which tends towards the extremes. Also a very minor nitpick, with the crystal servants, did they go running because the tea was scalding (if so, how did Cadence tolerate it in her mouth), because of the surprise (skittish, much?), or fear reflex (but when I say stand, you stand)? ...none of the options seem to fit the premise, so I'm irked.
As a crack fic, far be it from me to say where things should go or what they should be, but I definitely laughed at this one, so thank you for that at least.
Probably the funniest thing I've read this round, but I can't get past how out of character Cadance feels. I realize that's the vehicle for the comedy, but making character-centric comedy reliant on characters acting out-of-character (without sufficient justification, anyway; see Cousin Orchard Blossom or literally any other Big Mac episode) results in kind of a paper thin narrative.
So, while you made me laugh, I ultimately can't score this very high. Sorry, author.
So, while you made me laugh, I ultimately can't score this very high. Sorry, author.
Amazing comedy that flows surprisingly well. Even if the joke doesn't land (and for me, I don't think a single one didn't) it's going straight into the next one, which is an important goal when you're trying to do a crackfic like this. I'll agree with Bachiavellian and say that this could definitely be expanded to add a few more jokes in the second and third scenes, and maybe even more scenes as well.
“Exactly! This sex shortage is a threat that I will not take lying down.”
It occurs to me that an increase in "lying down" is exactly the solution to this problem, but I digress.
I agree that Cady is a bit over the top here, but the physical comedy is super on point all the way through so it doesn't really bother me at all. Twilight's an obvious choice for the straight mare, but having Chryssalis point out that what Cady is asking for is a little nuts and then just rolling with it is the icing on the cake.
It’s No Retrospective
Friends, Romans, countrymen… it’s good to be back. :heart:
I’ve been away from the Writeoff for almost a year. During that time I finished writing & publishing a very long story, cleaned up & published several fics from past Writeoffs, put a book in the BronyCon Bookstore, and made it into the RCL. By some measures, it’s been a good year. But it’s also brought a fresh rebalancing of home, work, and creative life. Of the three, creativity is firmly on bottom right now. These things ebb and flow, and life’s not bad by any stretch, but I would’ve gladly spent more time here if the balance had worked out differently. Tl;dr: I missed you guys.
But let’s talk about this story. The inspiration for it came from a news item I heard on NPR recently. Yes, evidently there is a “sex shortage” out there, and there is concern in some quarters that this will lead to negative social consequences--including a smaller tax base! But while I can engage that on an intellectual level, let’s get real: you hafta giggle at the phrase “sex shortage.” It’s just something that sounds silly to my ear, regardless of its potential implications.
I also couldn’t help but take issue with the news item’s seeming use of sex as a proxy for more general interconnectedness in society. Like if the goal is connection, the prescription is sex? Ehhhh. Seemed like a thing ripe for skewering. And what better pony to skewer it with than a badly mischaracterized Princess of Love?
So that’s where this came from. That, and the desire to have a bit of silly fun with my glorious return to the Writeoff. The main thing I feared was that the story might not be absurd and over-the-top enough to make up for the intentional tear-down of Cadance and Shining. That was a Risk. But while it may not have medaled, it was great to see that it made people laugh. Thank you guys!
>>Bachiavellian
You have no idea how much this made me smile, so thank you! And yes, when I mentioned in the Discord chat that I was struggling against the word limit… well, there you go.
>>GrandMoffPony
This made me smile, too! Down with keyboards! ^^
>>No_Raisin
I’ve done this style of comedy before, and part of the joy for me is having the least likely people serving as the voice(s) of reason. Of course Twilight ends up standing out as the single most reasonable pony here, but I desperately wanted someone to give Cadance a direct callout on the flaws in her position, and having Chryssie do it makes me giggle. That’s also part of how I meant to signal to the audience that I knew what I was doing with this, and that all the over-the-top-ness was intentional.
>>Trick_Question
I can respect that this might not be everyone’s cup of tea. However, I enjoyed writing this too much to not write it, so boo. ^^
I think it might be funnier to end it with Cadance ordering Shiny to have sex with Chryssi.
OMG this is a hilarious idea, and I might have to steal it. Thank you!
>>KwirkyJ
I didn’t have time to set it up, but my thinking with the tea was that Cady can tolerate extremes in beverage temperature that non-Alicorns couldn’t. So in a similar vein, Celestia could drink a cup from a fresh pot of tea without needing to cool it down at all, because she’s got an esophagus of steel.
This is admittedly very deep headcanon, but just so you know, there was a mild amount of thought behind it. :-p
>>Zaid Val'Roa
This made me laugh so much! :-)
>>Posh
Boo, boo, Posh is a poo.
Naw, love ya Pantsu-chan. As with Trick, I’m okay if this ain’t everyone’s cup of tea. At least it made you laugh. Thanks for reading!
>>Flashgen
Thankee kindly! I will indeed expand at least the third scene. It was pretty dire trying to fit in the action-descriptions of their conversation happening in some swamp where Chryssie is hiding following the loss of her hive. The temptation was just to be like “SCENE: EXT., RANDOM STANK SWAMP” -- but I wasn’t gonna do that.
>>Rao
Hee hee, this guy gets it! Truly lovely!
Thanks again, everyone! I hope it’s not another year before I do this again.
>>CoffeeMinion
I think you may misread me. I enjoyed this story a lot, I just reacted with cringe a couple times when it went over-the-top. I ranked this fifth (third was Seashore, fourth was Snouts).
I can respect that this might not be everyone’s cup of tea. However, I enjoyed writing this too much to not write it, so boo. ^^
I think you may misread me. I enjoyed this story a lot, I just reacted with cringe a couple times when it went over-the-top. I ranked this fifth (third was Seashore, fourth was Snouts).