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Love. Bake. Cupcake.
“Oh, beloved,” sighed Rainbow Dash. “You are the only one for me, my true love. I shall never leave you, ever.” She leaned back with a slosh of the birdbath and carressed the gentle curve of ceramic, interleaved with hearts and tiny cloud carvings.
The birdbath did not reply, although all the birds around it who were waiting their turn, rolled their eyes.
Twilight Sparkle clutched a book to her chest with an excited squeal, then blanched. “Oh, no!” she called out, looking at the rest of her library. “I’m sorry! I love all of you equally. Particularly you,” she added, taking another book off the shelf and embracing it. “And you. Oh, and you beautiful first edition you…”
Sweet Apple Acres was very quiet today, as Applejack quietly wrapped the trunk of yet another apple tree in gauze. “You poor thing,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry. Soon as we get you’all patched up, I’m gonna go to town and get all our children back, so you don’t feel sad no more either.”
There were no loud noises coming from Carousel Boutique either, other than a constant series of sighs and moans from the proprietor, who was gazing into a lipstick-smeared mirror. “Oh, you beautiful mare,” murmured Rarity, giving the mirror a flutter of long lashes. “Our time together has been far too long coming.”
We’re going to skip Fluttershy’s house, due to rating. Really.
The legendary capacity of Pinkie Pie for sweets had obviously been exceeded some time ago, due to the pink party pony being sprawled out on her back in the middle of Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen, with all four legs up in the air much like a pink beached whale. She wobbled as much as she could, looking at one last cupcake on a nearby shelf. “If only… I could reach… my sweet, sweet desire.”
It was very, very quiet in the Sugarcube Corner bakery where Ponyville’s only zebra took a long look at Pinkie Pie, who still could not get up onto her hooves to grab the last cupcake. Zecora shook her head, then turned her attention to a small earth pony by her side, who looked even smaller under her teacher’s glare. There was a long silence, broken only when Apple Bloom finally said, “I’m sorry, Zecora.”
“Sorry does not cut the cake,” admonished Zecora. “An antidote you now must make, to solve the problem of your making, when you decided to help with baking.”
“But Twilight said she wanted something extra-special for the meeting with her friends, so they could keep their relationship strong,” said Apple Bloom, still looking at the floor. “Then I found the recipe in your book, and Pinkie helped me mix it into the batter, and Mister and Missus Cake helped bake all the cupcakes…”
There was a repeating thumping noise from upstairs, and all three ponies looked up at the ceiling.
“You know,” said Apple Bloom very slowly, “that Mister and Missus Cake like to sample the cupcakes after they’re frosted, right?”
Zecora let out a short breath and started her young student moving toward the door. “We must hurry to set things right, and no more practicing outside my sight!”
The birdbath did not reply, although all the birds around it who were waiting their turn, rolled their eyes.
Twilight Sparkle clutched a book to her chest with an excited squeal, then blanched. “Oh, no!” she called out, looking at the rest of her library. “I’m sorry! I love all of you equally. Particularly you,” she added, taking another book off the shelf and embracing it. “And you. Oh, and you beautiful first edition you…”
Sweet Apple Acres was very quiet today, as Applejack quietly wrapped the trunk of yet another apple tree in gauze. “You poor thing,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry. Soon as we get you’all patched up, I’m gonna go to town and get all our children back, so you don’t feel sad no more either.”
There were no loud noises coming from Carousel Boutique either, other than a constant series of sighs and moans from the proprietor, who was gazing into a lipstick-smeared mirror. “Oh, you beautiful mare,” murmured Rarity, giving the mirror a flutter of long lashes. “Our time together has been far too long coming.”
We’re going to skip Fluttershy’s house, due to rating. Really.
The legendary capacity of Pinkie Pie for sweets had obviously been exceeded some time ago, due to the pink party pony being sprawled out on her back in the middle of Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen, with all four legs up in the air much like a pink beached whale. She wobbled as much as she could, looking at one last cupcake on a nearby shelf. “If only… I could reach… my sweet, sweet desire.”
It was very, very quiet in the Sugarcube Corner bakery where Ponyville’s only zebra took a long look at Pinkie Pie, who still could not get up onto her hooves to grab the last cupcake. Zecora shook her head, then turned her attention to a small earth pony by her side, who looked even smaller under her teacher’s glare. There was a long silence, broken only when Apple Bloom finally said, “I’m sorry, Zecora.”
“Sorry does not cut the cake,” admonished Zecora. “An antidote you now must make, to solve the problem of your making, when you decided to help with baking.”
“But Twilight said she wanted something extra-special for the meeting with her friends, so they could keep their relationship strong,” said Apple Bloom, still looking at the floor. “Then I found the recipe in your book, and Pinkie helped me mix it into the batter, and Mister and Missus Cake helped bake all the cupcakes…”
There was a repeating thumping noise from upstairs, and all three ponies looked up at the ceiling.
“You know,” said Apple Bloom very slowly, “that Mister and Missus Cake like to sample the cupcakes after they’re frosted, right?”
Zecora let out a short breath and started her young student moving toward the door. “We must hurry to set things right, and no more practicing outside my sight!”
We’re going to skip Fluttershy’s house, due to rating. Really.
This is the best line ever. Ponies are going to think I wrote this story. (I did not.)
That said, there's a slight disconnect between the fact that the cupcakes seem to have affected Fluttershy and the Cakes erotically and the other ponies merely romantically. I'm not sure it's a problem, but it was definitely noticeable.
I think the last para is a mistake. It starts to pull me toward another resolution that never comes, so the story feels incomplete. This would pack more punch if it ended on Apple Bloom's comment, I feel.
Holy fuck I'm dumb; it took me a second reading to figure out how the cupcakes affected ponies.
Something I liked:
Up until the last scene, which I'm not such a fan of, I like how each member of the mane six is given her own short scene, showing how the cupcakes messed with them. It's a mixed bag, but I have to say my favorites are Applejack and Twilight's sections the most. I would've found Fluttershy's scene funnier (I certainly like the implications of it), but the awkward phrasing holds it back for. I'm also suspicious of TQ writing this one, in spite of what she said.
Something I didn't like:
Um... so the way the fucked-with cupcakes work isn't made very clear? The text is unnecessarily coy about the kind of effect it has on ponies, hence my not getting it the first time around. Does it heighten one's sense of lust? Narcissism? Gluttony? I'm not entirely sure, the last scene (aside from being awkwardly expository) doesn't do much to clarify anything. I wish that, supposing the author were to expand this and make it a short story, it would become an M-rated sex comedy. Why not.
Verdict: Very rough and very anticlimactic, but it's not without its chuckle-worthy moments.
Something I liked:
Up until the last scene, which I'm not such a fan of, I like how each member of the mane six is given her own short scene, showing how the cupcakes messed with them. It's a mixed bag, but I have to say my favorites are Applejack and Twilight's sections the most. I would've found Fluttershy's scene funnier (I certainly like the implications of it), but the awkward phrasing holds it back for. I'm also suspicious of TQ writing this one, in spite of what she said.
Something I didn't like:
Um... so the way the fucked-with cupcakes work isn't made very clear? The text is unnecessarily coy about the kind of effect it has on ponies, hence my not getting it the first time around. Does it heighten one's sense of lust? Narcissism? Gluttony? I'm not entirely sure, the last scene (aside from being awkwardly expository) doesn't do much to clarify anything. I wish that, supposing the author were to expand this and make it a short story, it would become an M-rated sex comedy. Why not.
Verdict: Very rough and very anticlimactic, but it's not without its chuckle-worthy moments.
Love Death & Robots?
Besides the point, I do like the reference, especially when the show should actually be called Love Death & Sex. Overall, this is a really funny fic and I was wholly unprepared for Flutter’s part.
I think I get that “bringing her friends closer together” actually meant ”bringing her friends closer together?. And I like the naivety of Applebloom adding that to the cupcakes.
Another great fic to add to the pile. ;)
Besides the point, I do like the reference, especially when the show should actually be called Love Death & Sex. Overall, this is a really funny fic and I was wholly unprepared for Flutter’s part.
I think I get that “bringing her friends closer together” actually meant ”bringing her friends closer together?. And I like the naivety of Applebloom adding that to the cupcakes.
Another great fic to add to the pile. ;)
>>Anon Y Mous
I see what you did there.
Also, I have no idea what Love, Death, & Robots is.
Another great fic to add to the pile. ;)
I see what you did there.
Also, I have no idea what Love, Death, & Robots is.
Genre: CUPCAKES
Thoughts: Hee hee hee. Dat first paragraph. I’m getting shades of “...But The Kitchen Sink” here, and I like it.
Oh, but then it keeps going! Oh gosh, we get that sort of thing with everyone! (Except Flutters—LOL!)
(Okay. We interrupt this gushing to bring you some actual thoughts. At time of writing, I’m only halfway through, but I suspect this is top-tier material. The vignettes are all highly characterful and appealing, and sport flawless composition. Pretty much all I need the rest of the story to do now is give me a humorous explanation for everyone’s predicament and close with a cheeky parting wink, and this sucker’s a lock for my top spot.)
Oh nice, it’s Potion Apprentice Apple Bloom! Truly an underused bit of canon that’s ripe for fan-headcanon expansion. Okay, and for the finish…
<Puts down drink>
Author, I weep for the last couple paragraphs. What you’ve got here is an absolutely brilliant setup that builds and builds toward… something that feels like it doesn’t quite want to be AB and Zecora fixing actual sexytime cupcakes? I’m trying not to let too much personal bias leak in here, but IMO that just isn’t super funny as a final explanation and parting course of action.
I think >>Trick_Question hits the nail on the head by pointing out that there’s a significant difference between romance/infatuation as an outcome, versus what the final bits here suggest. I’d say that the sexytime angle works once for Fluttershy, because the omission of detail in that scene is humorous in itself. But it doesn’t work twice with the Cakes, because the additional details make the tone jump from mostly light and absurd to more overtly sexual. I think that could work, but right now IMO you’re not building up to it. The result is tonal whiplash, which is never what you want at a minific’s end unless it’s done very carefully and deliberately. In this case, I’m not feeling that.
Author, I apologize. This is very strong overall work, and I think it’s gonna clean up brilliantly for FImFiction. If you can write this much this well, I have every confidence that you can stick a satisfying landing. (And if this is what you truly wanted to do with the story, I’m just one guy with an opinion!)
In the end, I find myself torn about how to rate this. The good stuff is SO GOOD. The ending could work as-is, but it feels more functional than brilliant. And the rest is too brilliant to ignore.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Hee hee hee. Dat first paragraph. I’m getting shades of “...But The Kitchen Sink” here, and I like it.
Oh, but then it keeps going! Oh gosh, we get that sort of thing with everyone! (Except Flutters—LOL!)
(Okay. We interrupt this gushing to bring you some actual thoughts. At time of writing, I’m only halfway through, but I suspect this is top-tier material. The vignettes are all highly characterful and appealing, and sport flawless composition. Pretty much all I need the rest of the story to do now is give me a humorous explanation for everyone’s predicament and close with a cheeky parting wink, and this sucker’s a lock for my top spot.)
Oh nice, it’s Potion Apprentice Apple Bloom! Truly an underused bit of canon that’s ripe for fan-headcanon expansion. Okay, and for the finish…
<Puts down drink>
Author, I weep for the last couple paragraphs. What you’ve got here is an absolutely brilliant setup that builds and builds toward… something that feels like it doesn’t quite want to be AB and Zecora fixing actual sexytime cupcakes? I’m trying not to let too much personal bias leak in here, but IMO that just isn’t super funny as a final explanation and parting course of action.
I think >>Trick_Question hits the nail on the head by pointing out that there’s a significant difference between romance/infatuation as an outcome, versus what the final bits here suggest. I’d say that the sexytime angle works once for Fluttershy, because the omission of detail in that scene is humorous in itself. But it doesn’t work twice with the Cakes, because the additional details make the tone jump from mostly light and absurd to more overtly sexual. I think that could work, but right now IMO you’re not building up to it. The result is tonal whiplash, which is never what you want at a minific’s end unless it’s done very carefully and deliberately. In this case, I’m not feeling that.
Author, I apologize. This is very strong overall work, and I think it’s gonna clean up brilliantly for FImFiction. If you can write this much this well, I have every confidence that you can stick a satisfying landing. (And if this is what you truly wanted to do with the story, I’m just one guy with an opinion!)
In the end, I find myself torn about how to rate this. The good stuff is SO GOOD. The ending could work as-is, but it feels more functional than brilliant. And the rest is too brilliant to ignore.
Tier: Almost There
If you took out the penultimate line and let the story end with just Zecor'a last line, it would put this fic over the top imo. The build up was funny, but easy to follow, and things were kept just coy enough to not spoil the saucy magic at play. But the awkwardness of the last few paragraphs let a lot of wind out of the sails right at the best moment.
Still, if you choose to push this to Fimfic, some minor adjustments and expansion to meet 1k words should be an easy hurdle for you, author. Nice stuff!
Still, if you choose to push this to Fimfic, some minor adjustments and expansion to meet 1k words should be an easy hurdle for you, author. Nice stuff!
I think this just wants to be longer.
Showing each of the mane six (more or less) built up the rhythm (stop that, me) of what was up (seriously) with each one. However, it was rather inconsistent about the nature of this… attraction… being lustful, sexual, agape, or what. There just isn't enough material to clarify how or why our characters responded in the way they did to the same cause. (Take Poison Joke, for example -- its common effect was to subvert the thing that the pony most prized, or something like that; it was expressed differently because it had to be.)
Showing each of the mane six (more or less) built up the rhythm (stop that, me) of what was up (seriously) with each one. However, it was rather inconsistent about the nature of this… attraction… being lustful, sexual, agape, or what. There just isn't enough material to clarify how or why our characters responded in the way they did to the same cause. (Take Poison Joke, for example -- its common effect was to subvert the thing that the pony most prized, or something like that; it was expressed differently because it had to be.)
>>KwirkyJ
I think lustful, sexual, and "agape" ;) all mean pretty much the same thing. :trollestia:
being lustful, sexual, agape, or what.
I think lustful, sexual, and "agape" ;) all mean pretty much the same thing. :trollestia:
I really like the idea behind this. Compartmentalizing the Mane 6 really lets you focus your wordcount on delivering a bunch of jokes without having to worry about transitions or the like, which is a really clever choice. As for the scene-lets themselves, my reactions were kinda mixed, going from a vague amusement (Pinkie) to out-loud laughing (Applejack).
I think the weakest part of this story is the last scene with AB and Zecora. It's the longest by far, but like all the others it only has one joke, which makes it feel dragged-out in a way. While I agree with CoffeeMinion that AB doing potions is a criminally underused aspect of her character, I thought that the ultimate explanation for all these shenanigans felt kind of perfunctory. I almost think it would have been better not to have an explanation at all. After all, this is character deconstruction humor, so it's almost funnier if the story just presented these scenes as what the Mane 6 do on the reg.
So, much like my experience with Love, Death, & Robots, I had a generally mixed reaction to this piece, but I can't deny that I was entertained by it as a whole. Thank you for entering!
I think the weakest part of this story is the last scene with AB and Zecora. It's the longest by far, but like all the others it only has one joke, which makes it feel dragged-out in a way. While I agree with CoffeeMinion that AB doing potions is a criminally underused aspect of her character, I thought that the ultimate explanation for all these shenanigans felt kind of perfunctory. I almost think it would have been better not to have an explanation at all. After all, this is character deconstruction humor, so it's almost funnier if the story just presented these scenes as what the Mane 6 do on the reg.
So, much like my experience with Love, Death, & Robots, I had a generally mixed reaction to this piece, but I can't deny that I was entertained by it as a whole. Thank you for entering!
We have a few omniscient stories this round. Neat.
I think part of the reason many are taking issue with the last scene of your story (in addition to what they've already explained), is the perspective shift. The snippets of how the cupcakes are affecting each of the mane 6 are all from outside their heads (especially Fluttershy's snippet), and then suddenly we're with Zecora to explain the whole thing. If we had stuck with her the whole time, as she's taking a tour of all the awful things we've seen, or maybe just telling Applebloom about them, then that last scene is less of a whiplasher. Or, of course, you could have Applebloom describe it all to Zecora.
That sounds like fun.
Speaking of omniscient narration, if you do stick with it, I find it's a lot easier to drop the hr tags in that style. You have the ability to move through space and time a lot more smoothly than you do in a limited perspective, so I suggest taking out those tags, and maybe find a way to stitch all the scenes together. Otherwise, it's like watching a movie with several ten-second scenes that cut to black at each transition, and I found that jarring.
Thank you for writing! Good luck!
P.S. if this is a tribute to LD&R, surely cupcakes should be plural?
I think part of the reason many are taking issue with the last scene of your story (in addition to what they've already explained), is the perspective shift. The snippets of how the cupcakes are affecting each of the mane 6 are all from outside their heads (especially Fluttershy's snippet), and then suddenly we're with Zecora to explain the whole thing. If we had stuck with her the whole time, as she's taking a tour of all the awful things we've seen, or maybe just telling Applebloom about them, then that last scene is less of a whiplasher. Or, of course, you could have Applebloom describe it all to Zecora.
That sounds like fun.
Speaking of omniscient narration, if you do stick with it, I find it's a lot easier to drop the hr tags in that style. You have the ability to move through space and time a lot more smoothly than you do in a limited perspective, so I suggest taking out those tags, and maybe find a way to stitch all the scenes together. Otherwise, it's like watching a movie with several ten-second scenes that cut to black at each transition, and I found that jarring.
Thank you for writing! Good luck!
P.S. if this is a tribute to LD&R, surely cupcakes should be plural?
>>Posh
Well, it’s glaringly unrealistic, for one thing. Everyone knows that married folks who already have kids don’t do that.
Well, it’s glaringly unrealistic, for one thing. Everyone knows that married folks who already have kids don’t do that.
I like the descriptions of each of the mane six's individual scenes, and that Fluttershy line is gold, but I have to agree with others that the ending falls a bit flat. With a little more expansion and maybe showing the aftermath of each of these romantic predicaments, you could have a much stronger comedy on your hands that it already is.