I'll try something different and see if I can run szip locally.

szip Feline.txt -
A dog owner is kind of a bitch.

szip Vignettes_of_a_Man_You_Knew.txt -
Father knows best.

szip Short_and_Sweet.txt -
The standards for network gameshows get lower each year.

szip Recompetence.txt -
Cheating is bad

szip Jeremy.txt-
Need firearm knowledge? There's an app for that!

szip LimLits.txt-
Poetic Cliff's Notes

szip Amongst_the_Ruins_of_the_Brooklyn_Bridge.txt-
Kenny's future in acting suffers a setback.

szip Christmas_in_Cleveland.txt-
Slow news day

szip What_Do_Monsters_Dream_About?.txt-


szip Material_Fuckup.txt -
The insurance company will file it under 'Faulty Wiring'

szip How _I_Survived_Christmas.txt -
You didn't.

szip Doggy_Style.txt -
Doesn't matter, had sex.

szip Short_a_Long_Story.txt -
Every bite of pancakes and blueberry jam feels like the first one when you have Alzheimer's.

szip Christmas_Bells_Are_Ringing.txt -
Emergency dispatch is just one phone call away.

szip szip.txt -
SZIP-00604: error occurred at recursive level 1

szip Gamer's_Honor.txt -
1337 h4x0r j00 M34N!

szip Remember,_O_Thou_Man.txt -
It's okay to be a nihilist, just don't take it out on other people.

szip A_Bourbon_and_a_Lively_Waltz.txt -
A painful past and the wedding blues.

I don't think you want three paragraphs of dull set-up at the beginning of an action piece. It'd be a stronger opening to start with, "Car!" and sprinkle in a tiny amount of set-up alongside the shooting / work the first three paragraphs in with the action (I don't think you need most of that information though). I don't have anything else to add that others haven't already said, so I'll just add my agreement with the above comments.

I thought the character voicing and dialogue was strong in this one! It wraps up too neatly with Hunter suddenly feeling guilty just because Ylva starts doing the werewolf equivalent of crying (come on Ylva, what did you think would happen?), but that's my only quibble with this and a pretty minor one tbh.

Mono and Zaid raise good points, but I admit I got completely hung up on a 'technical' issue in this story. In several instances you have the same character continue talking but place their dialogue on a new line without providing a reason to do so, e.g:

“Lucky guess.”

“So, what, you think you’re going to get away with cheating on a test like that?

This pulled me out of the story because I had to reread it to understand what's happening. I expect the next line of dialogue to be from George because it's written without dialogue tags as an exchange, but it's actually his father continuing to talk. This is what happens in the other instances too. In this example at least you just need the extra words that explain he paused before continuing (I assume that's what you meant) so as not to confuse me, but I couldn't figure out a reason for the line-split for the other instances.

By the way, the following is notably contradictory.

The car's noisy yet silent atmosphere began to settle.

Overall, I think this needs cleaning up and another few editing runs. I think cutting down the existing conversation dialogue to create more room for more conflict would also be of benefit, because at present George's dad says George is right at the end simply because we've run out of room. But there's more to this argument, even if it's just tension manifesting as frustrated, disagreeable silence.

Hm, hm, hm. I've thought long and hard on what to comment about on this one, but the answer is I've still come up blank. This fic is the very definition of the word fine to me. It doesn't particularly excel in any one area, but it also doesn't really fumble anything, which leaves me in a rather awkward place as a reviewer.

Like, I could agree with Mono that it is slightly low hanging fruit (we get a decent amount of Alzheimer's stories), but eh? That's not necessarily something worthy of criticism, especially if the execution is going to be fine. Can't really comment on the mental degradation accuracy because I'm not too familiar with it. Flow is generally fine. Hook presents early enough even if it is pretty mellow.

I kinda feel like i'm letting you down here, author, but I really got nothing. Its fine. It succeeds at what it wants to do. No real advice on this one. Sorry!

Careful about splitting dialogue. Especially in just alternating dialogue beats, either make sure you keep the character beats even (a/b/a/b) or make sure you very clearly delineate that a character is getting an additional paragraph to themselves. It is really important for clarity.

Honestly, this conversation feels very... level? You have a line about George's dad apologizing for yelling and I'm stuck going "when was he yelling?" Punctuation, character action, and dialogue tags are all critical for conveying the mood. What I mostly get out of this scene, as presented, is two pretty calm guys chatting with each other, which kinda robs the the scene of a lot of emotional weight. With simple scenes like this, you either need to really deliver on the emotional punches or it needs to be exceedingly clever.

I think what you're going for here is the emotional end, so yeah, bring in the emotion. You don't need yelling and screaming and exclamation points everywhere and everything, but I think you do need more. Like I've been in places equatable to this (either cheated on a test and felt guilty or had my parents super disappointed in me), but this just really doesn't end up resonating with me. Which of course can just be a personal thing, but worth noting.

Really, this story hinges on the question of what George is going to do, yet we are so pulled back from him. Get us right there in his head. Let us agonize with him over this confrontation, over the tough choice, and over the ultimate failure to do the right thing. You've got the groundwork, now spruce it up!

Trudge is such a weird sound effect and kinda distracting out the gate. Try something else if you really want to convey the sound, or just let the narration speak for itself.

The choice to roll with a female or gay protagonist here instead of the standard straight male option sort of jumps out. No real reason, just stands out because of the standard mold of this character archetype.

I don't think this reads quite as smooth as it could. The characterization is there, but I think another editorial pass or two to really clean up the prose and get it shining would be great.

Protagonist I think ends up being too unlikable on the whole, which is always a problem as it makes reading about them and even feeling bad for their fate a bit more challenging. They are pretty much a jerk and a loser and while it is possible to sympathize with that sort of person, it is a bit more challenging. Consider reigning in the aggressive unlikability just a bit, or give them some stronger positive qualities to at least slightly offset it.

The ambiguity of the scene here is a bit distracting. I assume, given the current climate and the few concrete details (plus the title) we get that this is indeed about terrorists. I'm not really sure if it just mental biases about what you'd expect extremists to actually sound like, but the voicing here is very distinctly "American" if that makes sense, which pushes the ambiguity harder than you intended I think.

Whether this read of the voicing is accurate or not is its own question, but even if the fault is 100% with me, it is worth noting it.

Beyond that... much like Short a Long Story, I really don't have a lot to say here because the fic otherwise basically sets out to achieve what it wanted to achieve (a bit of a somber reminiscence on life).

A cute little dramedy with some great character and voicing.

Unfortunately, said character and voicing basically eats up the entire word count and really interferes with getting any real detail out of things. Neat ideas are hinted at and the conflict is solid, but there ends up being no room to actually do anything with them. The emotional arc is only barely there and the wrap up is a little too pat for what -is- still a big deal. I mean, even if he still loves her, the matter of sexual attraction and a whole magical world still exists.

Its a simple ending, which is good for the heart, but not necessarily for the brain.

Also be careful with this sort of thing. I don't think the metaphor is too much intended here (and the situation has enough differences to be a bit disconnected), but this has some unfortunate overlap with the ol' trans individual sleeps with someone without actually talking to them about it trope. Just something to watch for, since that is bad territory.

Really consider your voicing choices in minifics. You have limited words. Using rambly characters is cute and stalled dialogue is fitting, but you have a hard word limit you're working with, and that stuff is ultimately fluff. You have to be willing to make hard choices in minis, and sometimes that is going to be avoiding particular characterizations.

The "I" interjections feel somewhat unwelcome and really disrupt the sort of ethereal voicing that the vignettes have, particularly given how they dive into the father's thoughts and such. I really don't think they should exist. Keep it to the second person.

The description of vignette is indeed accurate, as this is mostly just a solidly emotive piece that conveys the idea of a father's dedication to family. It certainly succeeds well there, but it does run headlong into that issue of is this a story? Which I feel should be an easier question, but I have had a lot of trouble with that during mini rounds for some reason. There is a definite sense of progression, but there is no conflict. Is this sufficient? I dunno. Probably not. Is definitely a solid vignette, though.

I do agree a bit with >>QuillScratch regarding the themes in scene 2. I think they are still there as is, but I think calling it out a bit harder would be to the benefit of the scene.

Add this to the "it is fine and does what it set to achieve" pile.

Hey, someone wrote for my prompt.

You should have run a soft break before "My reflection twisted in the mirror..." to better indicate the change in perspective.

This is a neat idea and I really want to like this story because there is some cool stuff going on here, but ultimately it ends up falling a bit flat because it is mostly a bit of naval gazing with a fully passive protagonist. I really think this story would be better served as a dialogue. If I really think about it, this is actually structurally pretty similar to Monsters in that we have a resigned protagonist facing death. But the added ability to bounce off another character offered more strength in Monster, as did the fact that we had our protagonist facing a bit of an internal struggle regarding what they had spent their life doing.

Here it is mostly just reminiscence, which, while it definitely conveys certain moods and emotions, it just isn't as engaging. It is a big change, but I really do think you can keep the same themes and ideas while running this as a dialogue and it'll be stronger for it.

Consider ending on "We have work to do." It's a stronger line that better conveys the nature of true Jeremy. The AI riders are just tools. The job matters. It sells the callousness. Everything after that is filler.

I want to make some snarky Android: Netrunner reference here, but I can't think of one, so... I dunno. I guess Jeremy better hope he doesn't hit a Neural Katana next run, eh?

This could definitely use some prose touch-up. While the idea and presentation is super cute, it doesn't really read like a newspaper article to me, which does a lot of damage to the illusion you are attempting to present. Things like "His wife explained the baby was their son, but at the same time she pretended to be still a virgin." are just pretty intense editorializing and don't fit newspaper article voicing well.

This is REALLY on the nose. Like I get that the intent is satirical, but man, this one is so direct it hurts. Quite possibly something that will work for other people (or maybe even just earlier in the round), but it ends up as a bit of a turnoff to me here. Consider this one of those personal pieces of advice: it doesn't work for me, but I might just be the wrong audience here.

I think I would've preferred this if it was about actual hiding-under-the-bed, Monsters Inc monsters. I don't care for the subject matter, to be honest, but none of this hits the mark emotionally. It feels fragmented, jumping between topics: Abdel's story, philosophising on obsession the protagonist's first kill, Abdel's suicide, random sentimentality over music. If he's regretting his choices, why is it a relief that there's no way out? Is he in so much pain that his mind is flitting about between different thoughts, as if in death throes?

I'm just not sure what this is trying to say, and sometimes I like that in a story, but I'm sorry to say it didn't work for me here at all.

It'll be in the middle of my slate because like everyone's said, this is clever and cute, but I don't get a sense of an over-arching link between the literature you chose.

All I can do is agree with Andrew's review.

Even if you had ignored A Song of Ice and Fire (it's not even finished, why would it be included on a show like this?) and picked a book that could be summarised in just one word, to end the story with a greater punch, you'd still have the problem of relying on the reader to know the book. Because of that I think this has to go a bit further and show the reaction of Laura's fellow contestants and/or the host, as Zaid said, and end on a different short and sweet note.

I so wanted to do the comment-on-everything this time, but then everything happened. :cry:

Next time, Gadget. Next time.

>>Not_A_Hat
“Suddenly, the dungeon collapses.”

Cut away the bits that don't read like a newspaper article, as Andrew suggested, and you could probably fit in segments about the shepherds and about Herod a dictator wanting to murder all the baby boys as well.

I liked it, even if it was on the nose. But then again, I'm pretty sure I'm the right audience for this one.

I have a lot of enthusiasm for this purely because of the content. I want to know much more about this relationship.

Ultimately I feel like it's hindered more than helped by being in script format. I really like your dialogue, which is great because dialogue has to be powerful and emotive in a script. But the final monologue... it has too much to explain in too little time and it doesn't succeed for me. It doesn't explain why they did it, and it's too long to ring true as a real, in the moment emotional confession (unless Sandra's a writer, I guess; my real life experience is that writers are the only people who'll even think to say something like, 'I feel like a leaf on a hurricane' out loud. ymmv).

I don't have suggestions for improving this that others above haven't already said, but I'd love to see it again if you choose to take this one further.

It has some nice dialog, but I found this piece quite confusing overall.

Mentioning a knife so early is definitely an attention grabber. The knife could be a butter knife, I suppose, but then we get to additional hints such as the 'weakening breath' and such, so it does seem like he is injured/dying, though we never get clarity as to what happened/how is the knife important. Without knowing how he would use it, It's not clear why setting it aside matters. If he's injured, was he not able to defend himself? Zaid's hypothesis is as good as any, though there's also some hint that he's traveling: "I know you can drive while the car speaks for you." Also, perhaps speak and drive got reversed? And if he has a phone, why not call 911?

His wife, Elaine is briefly mentioned once, then never again.

Also, the whole cookies and cream / chocolate train of thought. I know it's minor, but she agrees with what he's saying, so why does he pretend to be changing his mind?

The last line is confusing. We never hear the phone ringing, and it feels almost like a non-sequitur. Was it accidentally copied from the first?

So there's some good emotive interaction, but I was lost at many points.

One thing I think the story does well is the tone, which always feels vaguely uneasy. A fellow visiting his parents for the first time in years, and riding a creaky ferry to reach them definitely makes the reader feel like something’s off. It makes the ending more effective, as we’re expecting something to go wrong, but it happens in a way that wasn’t what we expected. I also enjoyed how the story utilizes dry humor, painting a portrait of a narrator who just seems so bored by the world. Even his final sardonic remarks work, as it shows him as being resigned to his fate. This was a man who was doomed before he even started this story, and the story shows that attitude very well.

That being said, one of the things that doesn’t entirely work is the narrator’s relationship with his parents. His attitude towards them throughout the piece seems to be one of indifference or even annoyance, and yet he goes to visit them just because they asked. For reference, the film Five Easy Pieces featured a similar plotline, with the main character visiting his parents because his father was dying. With this character’s bitterly sarcastic demeanor, I would think that there’d have to be a similarly strong reason for him to go, other than “he didn’t have a good excuse not to”. I also think the story’s middle slogs a bit, as it’s pretty much the narrator just describing how dull the ferry is. It gives us a good idea into his mindset during this trip, but it feels a tad longer than it needs to be. There’s only so many ways you can say “this place is boring” without the text itself becoming boring.

All in all, this was a decent fic. It set out to tell a dark story about a Christmas visit gone wrong, and largely succeeded.

It took me a moment to get it, but when I finally realized what was going on, the story became very effective. The structure of the story really reflects the process of somebody slowly growing more confused, with all the repetitions and mixing up the character names. I also liked how the story doesn’t end with a final revelation of what’s wrong with Roy, but trusts the reader to figure out what’s happening and come to their own conclusion. Not every author trusts their readers enough to avoid spelling everything out for them, but this author managed to make things clear without holding the reader’s hand.

However, the one thing that really drags it down is the perspective being inconsistent. At times, the story is from a limited third-person POV, looking at Roy’s situation with a solemn, yet somewhat indifferent eye. But then there’s sections where it goes to Roy’s perspective, which highlights the confusion he’s feeling. It makes the story choppy, not because it’s a reflection of Roy’s mind, but because the story can’t make up its mind whether it wants to be distant or personal with Roy. I get wanting to depict Roy’s confusion in a unique way, but doing it in a manner that’s internally inconsistent makes it feel too awkward to read.

In conclusion, the story was done decently for the most part. Fix the POV issues, and I think this story can shine a little bit more.

I enjoyed the rhyming in this story, as well as how the poems each followed the different styles of the stories they were summarizing. However, I feel like it wasn’t much more than a few charming poems. It didn’t really tell me anything new about the stories I had read, and it never really got me interested in the stories I hadn’t read.

Fun, but not much else.

The central idea is pretty interesting: a person with an alternate personality in his mind that he’s abandoning forever. The story certainly explores that in an intriguing way, showing just how strange of a relationship these two have. I also liked how the characters talked about themselves and others like they’d lived with them for years, instead of talking about them as if introducing them to the reader. I have no idea who Little J is, but the narrator’s attitude toward him makes for good reading material.

The major downside with the story is that so many ideas are presented that the 750 word limit keeps us from really understanding what’s going on. This story alone talks about people “dying” more than once, doing a job in nations around the world and a unique form of hacking that one of the main characters requires. All juicy topics to be sure, but maybe a bit too much material to tackle in such a small space.

As is, it’s an interesting conceptual work, but lacking in most other areas. Expand it with a longer word count and flesh out the details, and I think this will work much better.

On the one hand, I enjoyed the religious subject of this piece, focusing on a topic that a lot of other submissions haven’t touched. Also, unlike many other readers, I actually enjoyed the ambiguity of the story’s ending. Is it a suicide bomb? A nuclear explosion? Christ’s return? I think the lack of clarity made the story more interesting than a firm explanation of the final moments.

With that in mind, I think the story’s ambiguity shoots itself in the foot at many points. The mysterious man’s explanation of his despair is interesting, but it raises more questions than the story is able to answer. I also think the ending phrasing could be worked on, as it made it seem like the explosion happened in sections to where the priest could finish his prayer in time.

On the whole, the story’s on the right track. It just needs to figure out what exactly it wants the reader to infer about the events and provide firm suggestions to push the reader in that direction.

I’m split about this one. On the one hand, I like the idea of examining how Jesus Christ being born in the modern-day United States might change how the story proceeds (would he walk across Lake Michigan instead, or wander the White Sands of New Mexico for forty days?). I also liked how the authorities’ actions, while somewhat humorous, felt realistic to how many people would react to such a strange event. It’s supposedly a fantastic and wonderful occurrence, but the cynicism of our current society thinks something more sinister is going on. Just look at how the newspaper twists it into a political issue about refugees and terrorism, something many media outlets seem to do these days, regardless of whether the subject really entails it or not.

However, there’s also elements that don’t work. There are sections in the story where the article feels less like a news piece and more like a traditional short story (i.e. the ending paragraphs about the Three Wise Men). That really clashed with the more realistic tone the story was going for, and made the satirical elements harder to buy. I also thought that the story’s internal logic didn’t entirely work. As >>Monokeras said, transporting Middle Eastern characters to America, but keeping them their regular Biblical selves clashes with the story’s central idea (Christ’s birth in modern-day America). Without updating the characters to a more feasible American perspective, it makes little sense for the story to not take place in the modern-day Middle East (which, by all accounts, probably could use a Messiah about now). Ulysses didn’t put a bunch of ancient Greeks in 1920s Dublin just because it was based off of The Odyssey, and this story should’ve definitely followed that model.

In the end, there’s a firm idea here, but it simply wasn’t thought out enough to be effective. Figure out what you want the main concept to be, and base the resulting story around that.

Well, that ended up better than another Write-Off story with “Monster” in the title.

In all seriousness, I actually enjoyed this story as a dramatic experience. Seeing a duo of terrorists in their final minutes is a fertile topic to begin with, but this story really delved into the bizarre feelings these men had toward each other and the world. I also liked the narrator’s occasional dramatic flourishes, like the gunfire being orchestra music. It really paints the picture of a man who has deluded himself into thinking his mad crusade is some grand act that can’t be topped.

But the story does feel a bit too vague in parts. For instance, the beginning was so sparsely worded that I didn’t even know Abdelhak was injured or that they were terrorists on the run. You’d think the police would’ve been mentioned there, given how that’s the main reason they’re holed up in the building. I also didn’t think the main character’s characterization was entirely consistent. At some points, he seems to be the only sane character (i.e. trying to keep Abdelhak focused on his wound instead of Paradise). But at others, he seems just as nutty as the others in his group, thinking about his obsession with being remembered as a holy warrior. I get he’s supposed to be a complex character, but these felt more like two different characters were inhabiting the same body.

On the whole, a very strong and passionate story. Find a more consistent voice and add a few more details, and this will be all the more powerful.

>>AndrewRogue has spelled out most of my opinions on the story perfectly. Too much is cut out to really make the story work, and the script format itself feels somewhat superfluous. The relationship between the two leads is the sole thing I enjoy, being a twisted situation that involves at least one murder. It’s interesting to say the least, and is definitely worth examining in a future revision.

Expand this into a longer story, and I think it'll work better.

The "nerd" aspect is pushed too hard, I feel.

This kid does not sound like a kid. She sounds like a character written to be a Kid.

Also, I totally understood what you meant by flexing ears. It's just not an action that conveys any sort of emotion, or relates to what's going on in the story.

When this started, I thought it was going to be like Ted Chiang's "The Great Silence," one of my very favorite short stories. This was not that. Count me in with the group that doesn't understand the ending. The only way it seems like it the joke could land is if both the humans left somehow, leaving just the animals to take over the house, Animal Farm-style. But I get the impression that the dog has left, so...

This fic offers a better ending "twist" than most Writeoff minifics. That said, his monologue feels unnatural considering the situation.

I've only read three of these stories, so I think I'm going to have to abstain. But the Christmas Carol one made me laugh. :3

What US newspaper is gonna use kilometres?

In any case, in complete agreement with >>AndrewRogue. This doesn't read like a professional news article.

The thing I most enjoyed about this story was the interaction between Carol and her father. You could tell that there was a warm relationship between them, and it definitely made the closing lines of the story have more power.

That being said, I have to say that there were a lot of things about this story that were confusing. For starters, what is the knife’s purpose in the story? Is it suicide, or the result of getting mugged? The former seems more likely (wouldn’t he just call 911 if he had been stabbed?), but it’s worded vaguely enough that I couldn’t figure out which it was. The rest of the prose is similarly sparse to the point that I can’t really pinpoint what’s happening, and that really kills a story that’s clearly trying to tell an emotionally involved story. And while I did like the relationship between the dad and Carol, the writing for Carol seems off. Nothing about her comes off like a little kid; it sounds more like an older person trying to write dialogue for a little girl. At times, she seems more like a teenager than the young child that she’s supposed to be.

A good effort, but one that needs a lot of ironing out to work. Work on the dialogue and give more descriptive details to get things on the right track.

I’m going to deviate from many other readers and say that, on the whole, I enjoyed this story. The feelings of bitterness and nostalgia were decently handled (if a tad overwrought), and it really allowed us to see John’s pain over a failed relationship. I also enjoyed how vague and dreamlike the story is, as if this is just an odd event John finds himself drifting through during his monotonous life. Similarly, I liked how the resolution in the story is almost an afterthought, as if John already knew what’d happen and just went through the motions of the story to kid himself. The loss cuts deep and is final enough that he can’t even wrest himself to do something that might rekindle the flame (the dance).

Of course, this in turn makes the story feel somewhat pointless. A relationship was over, the duo reaffirm it’s over, then the story stops. Admittedly, I enjoyed how the story portrayed this, but from a narrative standpoint, there’s just not a whole lot to chew on here. I also thought that the dreamlike feeling sometimes made things too vague, like the exact timeline of Emma and John’s relationship (did it end years ago? A month?) or the physical details of the wedding itself. That’s the problem with doing stories about failed relationships: They’re one of those subjects that everybody remembers in precise detail, and leaving out enough things will break many people’s suspension of disbelief.

Add a few more details and make the central story a little stronger. It’s an alright story now, but it can be a better one with a little tinkering.

I get the firm feeling that this story was rushed. Between the brief spats of dialogue, the sparse descriptions and the large spaces, this feels like a story that was cranked out as fast as possible. Sadly, the final product reflects this, as neither the characters nor the action are all that understandable. First people shoot, then they shout, then they shoot some more. I get the story is meant to be fast paced, but this felt less like an aesthetic choice and more like a story without any kind of polish to it. By the end of the story, I’m left so befuddled and unsure of what’s going on that I’m not sure whether the ending is meant to be dramatic or comedic.

To be fair, there’s an interesting story idea here about video game etiquette that might work as literature. But the story’s going to need a lot of revision if it’s going to really explore that concept satisfactorily.

I think I like what this story’s trying to do more than what it actually does. A father confronting his son over cheating on a test and reflecting on his own mistakes is a pretty good story subject, but this story didn’t really use the subject matter in an interesting way. It’s more or less a call and response story, with the father and son talking back to each other in a manner that feels too simplistic to fit the realism the story's going for. There are complex emotions going through the both of them (fear, regret, uncertainty), yet at points they seem almost nonchalant about the events of the story. Like Gamer’s Honor, this feels like a first draft submission that didn’t have much polish applied to it.

A story with a good starting point, but one that needs a few more details and characters fleshed out before it can really shine.

On the one hand, I like how this story handles showing a game show in progress. It makes the events easy to follow, as well as sneaking a little humor in with the host. Speaking of which, that host was pretty entertaining, what with his acknowledgement of his pointlessness to these proceedings and his smarmy attitude. Little flourishes like that gave this story a certain comedic personality that a lot of stories this round haven’t shown.

But the central problem with the story is that by focusing on the situation more than Laura herself, there’s not a whole lot of stakes for the reader. Whether this girl wins or not doesn’t really affect us, just because we don’t know enough about her. Honestly, the host has more of a personality than she does. I also think that the central concept of the show doesn’t hold much draw. The whole idea of most game shows is to test knowledge on obscure materials. This show only depicts the contestants using rather popular works, which sort of destroys any tension we’d have. Also, summarizing stories is a pretty easy thing to do (there’s literally thousands of websites that summarize different works), making it hard for me to believe people would be really into this game show.

There’s a good sense of comedy and a firm voice throughout this story. There just needs to be some tweaking to the central concept and a more developed protagonist.

Unlike many readers, I actually chuckled at the ending. Having this semi-serious examination of body language and personal relationships end with the wife ditching the man and dog was a humorous swerve. I also enjoyed how the cat seemed to be aware of what’s going on, showing an almost devilish enjoyment of the final events. It really paints a picture of the deviousness many cats have and shows Snowball in a more questionable light.

That being said, I think this is a story that was written with two different ideas in mind. The opening and closing feel like an attempt to really understand animal behavior, while the next one is an interlude about personal relationships and is there to explain what’s actually happening. To me, that’s a sign that the bookends of the story aren’t effective enough, given how they require a character to stop and recite dialogue to give us a clearer picture of what’s happening. And while I get that the style shifts are meant to be comedic, the change didn’t feel organic enough to make the shift work. There needs to be a certain consistency within a written work in regards to tone, even between style shifts, and this story didn’t have a solid enough tone to make the shifts feel natural.

A firm concept, but one that needs a firmer tone and a more graceful shift between sections.

This is a story that I’m having mixed feelings about. On the one hand, the humor is pretty decent and usually lands well enough to give me a chuckle. The creator’s constant disdain at his plebeian pal certainly provided enough of a dynamic to keep the comedy working as well. I also think the story’s main concept (a program that summarizes written works) is certainly interesting enough to justify an examination of the topic.

However, the story doesn’t have much of a narrative thrust to it. These two friends just seem to look at the program as a quaint timesaver instead of a revolutionary digital product. By making them simply be mildly amused by every input, it gives the reader less of a reason to really get enveloped in the situation. And as many other readers have mentioned, the focus on snarky humor feels a tad too condescending in places. Maybe that could work if it was part of the joke (like the software’s capabilities turns people into snobbish jerks who think they can distill complex works into simple punchlines), but as is, it’s just snarky for the sake of it.

As is, it’s an okay humor fic. If you want to make it something a little more, give it a stronger narrative and try to keep the snarkiness in check.

Well, that was cuter than what the title implied.

To put my serious face on, I actually thought this worked for the most part. The dialogue really reflects on how awkward of a situation this is, and it helped me feel bad for both parties in this situation. The humor was also decent enough that I could buy the way the story ended. But most of all, I thought both characters were sweet enough to make this story have more emotional resonance than the situation should by all logic provide. Turns out having people amicably resolve their problems can still be interesting to read!

But with that in mind, the conflict often overwhelms the characters themselves at many points. Granted, discovering your girlfriend is a creature of lore is a big deal, but that doesn’t mean characterization should be skimped upon. Telling us character attributes (like the protagonist’s “nerdery” or Ylva’s gaming obsession) doesn’t work as well as showing them. This lack of characterization, along with the story’s relatively positive ending, makes the story feel somewhat inconsequential. A minor inconvenience happens, then they get over it. Realistic, to be sure, but not incredibly interesting without said lycanthropy.

I liked this story, but it needs stronger characters and narrative if it’s to entirely work. But I definitely think you’re on the right track.

P.S. Is it just me, or does this story seem like it was inspired by that episode of Johnny Bravo where Johnny dates a werewolf?

To me, putting the birth of jesus in a modern setting was a nice idea, and the really interesting part was thinking about our society in the context of this biblical story. That's what you caught my attention with.
But the "there's too much distrust" thought wasn't enough to hold it for long. The second part about the "three strangers" felt like it just spelled out what I already had imagined after reading the first one. I lost interest there

Also I have to agree with the others: the relatively simple and repetitive sentence structure coupled with wordings like "but at the same time she pretended" and "He blames the federal administration" gave me the impression this article wasn't from a professional newspaper.

Well, I do quite like this story. However, the ending is very underwhelming. Ignoring all the technical issues, we got this amazing premise, wonderful lessons, and then "Eh, we'll see how it goes." I saw it said you hit the word cap. I understand that. But if you ever work on this again, and I sincerely hope you do, that is what I think you should focus on.

Tier: Almost there.

Lol, can relate to all sides. Fun little romp, though I think a bit more argument would have been good. Not necessary, though.

You know, I was wondering about what was going on. You did not disappoint. Though I will agree, he seems a little calm for the circumstances.

Damn. I can't really add anything to Andrew's and libertydude's reviews.

In addition to what’s been said above (which I generally agree with, both positive and negative), I’d like to address a few redundancy issues I noticed in this piece.

Early on, you have the line:

“It’s been a while,” she replied with a smile of her own. He missed seeing them.

This is a good line! You’ve established that there’s some warmth between these characters, a shared history in the moderately distant past. There’s a wistfulness in John’s attitude towards her, a fondness for her smile that implies a deeper connection. You’ve packed a lot of information into a single line of text, which is an excellent quality to have in a minific story.

Now, consider the very next line:

“We don’t get a chance to see each other as often anymore.”

Who is this statement aimed at? Both John and Emma are fully aware that they don’t get the chance to see each other often. Is it for the reader? Because you’ve already told us it’s been long enough since they last saw one another for John to miss her smile.

Shortly thereafter you describe Emma’s dress a second time. I like this description a bit more because it gives me a more solid idea of what the character looks like, but it highlights the unnecessary context of the first description. Why delay introducing Emma’s character for a paragraph when John immediately recognizes her?

Finally:

Emma’s soft laugh was a nice reaction, it’d been some time since he last heard her laugh.

It was here that I thought, “Alright, let's get on with it,” because this is the third time in less than two hundred words you’ve told us these two don’t see each other much. Not every word needs to drive the story forward, but repeating yourself (if you’re not deliberately trying to make a point) is a cardinal sin in minific.

Repetition aside, I honestly don’t find John to be a likeable protagonist. The fact that after all these years, when he explicitly knows where he went wrong in the past, he’s still too prideful to say, “I’m sorry,” makes him irredeemable in my eyes. It shows not only that he doesn’t really have an arc in this story, but he didn’t learn anything from the implied prior story (of John breaking Emma’s heart, the cad) you’re weaving between the lines, either.

Still, there’s some pathos to be had in watching the faded embers of an old love sputter and die. Keep avoiding repetition in mind when you take another crack at this, Writer, and I think you can craft something pretty special.

Final Thought: Play it again, Sam.

Look, it's nice writing and all... but I feel like it's in slightly poor taste. The reason is in the first sentence of the first paragraph, cause like an idiot I wrote that first.

This reads more like a satirical website than a respected newspaper because of some of its phrases, which others have pointed out. And wouldn't the date of the paper be the 26th, or even the 27th? It takes time to print stuff, so this paper came before the actual event would have. Oh, and the birth of Christ, historically, would have happened sometime in summer, the whole December 25th thing came from the Spanish turning the Aztec(Pretty sure) celebration Birth of the Sun into Birth of the Son... but that's me being a nitpicking nerd.

Anyway, some people have expressed doubt on the legal aspect of it. I'm gonna be here and say it depends upon the state, but in my family's experience the state can, and will, separate a child like this. And there is almost nothing you can do about it depending, once again, on which state you're in.

To put it simply, nice try, fell flat for me.

I love the atmosphere you've got going on here. It felt like just the right blend of spiritual, slightly somber, and peaceful to me.
Getting a look into your characters' emotional states was super interesting as well. Both the man's mix of resignation and acceptance, and Father Paul just continuing as he always has before coming to realize there's something more going on felt very genuine and satisfying to read about.

The mystery about the man's identity I'm split on. Initially he seemed like some mythical power, now, with the whole picture, I think he's an engineer who helped develop a doomsday weapon (something atom bomb 2.0 like.) Overall, it mostly added a bit of uncertainty, and I'm not sure whether that's a good thing. It helps with the air of mystery I think you were going for, but what I liked most about your story was how steadfast the characters felt, the calm and certainty with which they faced their end.

So I think this story would've been even stronger without the whole mystery stuff - even more so cause of the "you have about 20 seconds" line. That seemed like it was supposed to fuel this air of mystery, but to me felt like something a teenager trying to sound cool would say.

szip + Cleveland
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Ratlab
>>AndrewRogue
>>Astrarian
>>libertydude
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>tPg
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Not_A_Hat
>>AndrewRogue
>>Astrarian
>>libertydude

Grats to the medalists. Well done, folks!

My stories were both rough sketches. Thanks for those who enjoyed them: I appreciate your appreciation. I was well aware of the shortcomings, and I smiled when LibertyDude quoted my fake review in his own :P I still have some progress to make in order to blend in as an American journalist, as the way articles are written over the pond is very different from what we do over here. As for szip, I had that idea but no real punchline to go with it. I decided to go ahead all the same but it came out as a bit bland, of course.

Happy new year again to all, and thanks so much! ❤️

Oh, hey. Most Controversial. That's new. Don't know if I deserve it, but I'm grateful nonetheless!

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Eh, what do you know?

>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Monokeras
>>libertydude
The line between "subtle development" and "nothing happening" is really, really wide, but I trust I will eventually manage to do it right. I got the idea of a couple who may never get together again, but then I focused on the ending as the pivotal point of the story, which ultimately worked against the strenght of the piece as a whole.

Duly noted.

I believe I can trim some of the earlier fat, move the reveal to the midway point, and spend more time focusing on the actual feelings of the characters rather than trying to be coy about them. That should make for a better story, or at least a more solid one.

Oh, and regarding the repetition >>Icenrose mentioned, that's the result of writing the first section early in the morning, then rush through the middle in the afternoon, and realise I only had a few hours to finish the story and edit it into something presentable before the deadline hit. This lead to me going over certain points too much and not dwelling in others.

Anyway, thanks for your feedback, and I'll try to rework this into something better.

Cheers!

Material Fuckup, the retrospective:

Thanks to everyone who read and commented! I'm surprised this made fourth, compared to how I thought I was doing at the time, though I admit after the first few positive comments I was secretly hoping for an unexpected bronze or something. Still!

This was written in less than three hours before the deadline when I wasn't originally expecting to enter anything at all. I'm not exactly proud of that, because I should be more disciplined about it, but there it is. (Also, I had KitsuneRisu's Drunkentale recording on in the background for most of it, and I think it may have helped set the mood.)

The protagonist is not gendered as such in-story (though the partner is addressed as male), but I'll be addressing him as male in the retrospective, if only to put some distance between him and myself. :-P

The way I imagine the protagonist's mindset is that he's lacking or blocked on some essential pieces of an adult personality. He sees life as a series of unfair obstacles, picks the solution to each problem that requires growing or changing the least just to feel like he's done “enough”, then balks at the idea of taking responsibility when it doesn't work. He still hasn't grasped that no, you have to do more than that just to keep what you have; it's often going to be uncomfortable and difficult; you have to both accept your situation and then actively engage with it beyond that, and responding by trying to bargain or complain as though you were owed an easy answer usually goes nowhere while the world passes you by.

He has an inkling that something's wrong with his approach, because when he falls into reflecting on his history at all, he sees that maybe if he'd actually done his homework, a lot of good things he's lost or never achieved could have gone differently. But it's just too hard to give up the false comforts his remaining self-esteem is hanging on, the tokens of control and banal achievement that let him keep up the illusion that he's already making things happen, that he didn't do that much that badly and it's all just a fluke.

And if you don't manage to sacrifice that false competence for actual growth in time, you can pat yourself on the back every time right up through setting everything on fire.

This is inspired by a vague pastiche of some of the worse parts of myself, my past selves, and other people I have known, including some of the “hazards of growing up gifted” that seem to repeatedly pop up in social circles around me. I suppose in a way I was trying to present it to myself as a warning to not wind up like that.

As for the comments:

>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Ratlab

Thank you! I'm glad the structure worked well for you; I think the pacing and beats were probably the best part of this story.

>>Monokeras

I'm glad you liked it! Regarding smoke: that's true physically, but the implication is that he doesn't necessarily also see smoke; it's the scent that alerts him first, and the implied action after the end of the scene is him connecting the dots. (What he does about it, and whether that's finally enough to snap him out of his pattern of mistakes in the longer term, are left unspecified.)

>>AndrewRogue

Thank you for actually pointing out places to improve! I was hoping that would happen.

I can see what you mean about the protagonist being someone-with-a-male-partner jumping out to you, but I'm not sure that's an assumption I want to induct into my writing habits.

I definitely agree about the protagonist being too unpleasant as presented. That was my main complaint with it when I was reading it post-submission too, since it can put the reader off and overpower other parts of the prose. Some brighter or sweeter tones here and there might make it less relentless, but I'm not immediately sure where to add them. I might play around with it later if I have time. I should also go back and re-listen to the part of the podcast about this story once the recording is up; I think you and the other commentators had some useful things to say.

(I think you mean “reining in”, by the way. Since this is a writing site and all.)

So there you have it. Congratulations to the winners and everyone else who participated, and hope to see you next Writeoff!

>>Light_Striker
Oh, and thanks to Dubs Rewatcher for the half-stolen title that got brought up in the podcast. Eheh. ^_^;

Congrats to everyone, particularly our Gold and Silver winners!

Well, it’s been about a year since I accidentally stumbled over the Writeoff via… I don’t even remember. Blog post from Horizon, maybe? Something like that.

Anyway, it has been about a year, so I figured since we’re doing the whole new year thing, I might as well do a super special ultra unique post mortem. Not just this round, but my last year (and some change) in the Writeoff thus far.

But let’s start with this round, since that’s easy.

Doggy Style

I forget where or why I even came up with the idea. Probably because Catherine remake was announced so waking up next to something unexpected was on my mind, and I felt doing a supernatural werewolf route was far enough removed from the real world versions that it would be safe.

Title was originally my working title and I decided I wasn’t going to come up with anything better, so after checking with a friend, I decided to leave it in place. Otherwise the fic is more or less what it seems, just a cute little dramedy piece. Long story short, the supernatural exists. You just found out in the most awkward way possible. What do?

Speaking of, I actually had to revise a tiny bit after checking with Roger about whether a line pushed the boundaries of Writeoff T. It did, which is a shame, because it was a much punchier line. *shakes first*

Anyway, I did consider the joke ending possibilities, but eh. It was 2017, and my belief on the year was we needed more reminders of just be good to each other, love is love, and there’s a bright light at the end of the tunnel that isn’t a train. Then again, that’s generally my belief. But really, that’s always my belief. S’part of why I like pones. Sometimes it is good to be reminded of those classic lessons.

Plus it is way more amusing to me when it involves werewolves.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Definitively. But hey, he embraced his outer furry too!

>>Monokeras
This is sorta what I was talking about the other day. Wasted material is a pretty hackle raising thing to say, because… well. Saying something is a waste is hugely insulting. :p Kinda the same for the second paragraph. I mean, it isn’t unreasonable to claim you think that, but at the same time, it turns into “Well, I did know what I was doing with it. Exactly what I put on the page. The point was that it would be a stammery and excusey and awkward conversation.” That’s obviously a fair thing to criticize (as noted in my own review even that my voicing choice was probably bad for a mini), but yeah, the phrasing could functionally use some work IMO.

Or not, I dunno. Like I said, I’m cranky lately.

>>Not_A_Hat
I thought about it, but was kinda unsure about it. I go back and forth on the use of bitch jokes in situations like this. Probably still should have done it to better portray that Ylva just works with bad jokes in general (“...found she was a real, literal bitch” or something).

And yeah, I can see it. Voice choice cause all sorts of problems.

>>Astrarian
To be fair, she thought she could control her shape in general. Soft implied, but I was working more off Discworld werewolves than normal ones.

>>AndrewRogue
I hate writing fake reviews.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I was gonna ask about this one, but on a reread I saw what you mean. I short-hand and long-hand it a lot. Not sure why I didn’t catch that.

>>libertydude
*nods* Debating direct and implied characterization is a real bitch sometimes.

Never watched much Johnny Bravo as I didn’t have Cartoon Network at home when I was a kid. =( That clip made me laugh though and I wish I had been inspired by that.

A Year (and some change) in the Writeoff

Pffft. This has been a long year. I joined the Writeoff because I am an awful person and not great at doing things without external motivation, and competitive timed writing is the sort of thing that allows me to get stuff done. Plus prompt driven material has forced me to reach outside my prebuilt rolodex of ideas (though not necessarily my comfort zones) and start getting used to generating new ideas.

All told, I haven’t leaned on my idea rolodex -too- often in the Writeoff, and that’s pretty cool.

I’ve met some interesting people and gotten to know quite a few of you a lot better. I’ve wrestled with what the Writeoff is on the scale of competition vs workshop and where. I’ve had my little spats, caused my own fair share of little dramas, and constantly wobbled on the see-saw of “Do I fit well in this group or should I pack it in?” and “Is this working for me?” I still dunno the answers to those questions, but I guess I’m still here. Maybe I’ll drop out of pony rounds to focus on my original work this year. I don’t know. Don’t want to. But argh. Welcome to the insecure mindscape of Andrew, eh?

Still, on the whole, I’d say y’all have been quite good for me. Hopefully I’ve been somewhat good for some of you too.

So, actual shit I’ve done.

I’ve written 22 entries since I joined back on October 10, 2016 (one for every single goddamn round). So that’s about 52K words, or one NaNoWriMo worth of writing. Of those, 5 have medaled (2 Gold, 1 Silver, 2 Bronze) and I’ve had a bizarre level of consistency in that only pony shorts or original minis have medaled for me. Still, consistency has its rewards, putting me at 3rd on the Original scoreboard and 4th (fuck you, Poshy >:|) on the Pony scoreboard, with an average fic placement of 63%.

Woo. Even better, several of these stories are things I think I’ll polish up or I’ll reuse the core idea from for something.

Oh, right, speaking of consistency, I may not be using rolodex ideas, but I definitely have what we might call motifs in my writing? What sort of motifs? Well…

TaviScratch: 6 Stories
Kemonomimi/Furry/Monster Girl: 6 Stories
Nerdism/Gaming: 8 Stories
Romance/Romantic Relationships: 11 Stories
Fantasy: 9 Stories (depending on how you count)
Gender Bending: 4 Stories

No wonder Cass guesses me every single fucking round.

I definitely feel like i’ve improved now that I’m writing far more regularly than I used to, so that’s cool. Not sure my critical skills have developed much. While I’ve posted 573 times since I started in Writeoff (approximately 26 times per round, which is a lot given I don’t bullshit that much), my ability to critique helpfully feels like it was about where it started. Probably need to work on that.

Breadth vs depth is a hard battle, and honestly commenting is one of the things that has really driven me up the wall in the Writeoff since I feel obligated to treat it like a workshop, but the timeframe we have is not super conducive towards it, especially as a working father. How will I deal with this? Still dunno.

So, what do think of my last year of writing?

How about some super snarky descriptions, followed by my special award winners?

IN ORDER

Music After Midnight: Obligatory writing sucks story is an excellent way to introduce myself to the Writeoff. This trend of totally original concepts will continue to serve me well.

Open Invitation: Somewhat better than Sonic.exe. Probably.

An Advanced Lesson in Friendship: I remain baffled no one else actually did the direct story type for the prompt. Another example of my deep and intense love affair with totally original story concepts.

The Flame, the Fox, and the Frozen Blade: Derpy fantasy adventure fiction at its derpiest. There’s a much better story in here, probably.

The Destiny Trap: Slightly less derpy adventure fiction. When in doubt, ship it. It always works out. God I peaked early.

Heeding the Siren’s Call: It is riddled with flaws, but frankly I still think this is one of the better things I’ve written. Shouldn’t have copped out and just went with bad end when I lacked the space to do good end. Probably would have medaled. >:|

A Riveting (If Abridged) Tale of Galactic Conquest: I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking with this one.

Inevitability: I almost wish I’d just skipped this round. Or hadn’t been sick, I guess. Hot garbage at pretty much every level, though the lack of catching my high degree of thievery was surprising.

Ars Vivendi: Memento Mori: I wrote a decent TaviScratch fic. Go me. Still have not been able to bring myself to finish editing or publish it. I am literally the worst.

Off the Top: Mini round medals are mysterious. I blame fanservice.

The Honest Truth: My ship tastes are p. good.

A Distinct Lack of Regret: Seriously, what happened with the votes in Finals? Y’all suck. >:|

Tales from Another Time: A Cantata Mezzo Voce: Reminder for all you aspiring Writeoff folks - if you’re running out of time, just write something vaguely shaped like an ending and pretend it was your plan all along. It works.

Blind Dating in a World Gone Mad: Fox- and wolfgirls have largely squeezed into the space that catgirls used to fill in my heart, but when in doubt, always go back to the tried and true. At the very least, you’ll like your story. And maybe other people will too. ...fuck, I still need to paint my Seraphon.

Undirected Action: I have nothing to say about this story, so I will instead reiterate that I wish for the eyes of Haze and Sharpspark to be damned. Repeatedly.

The Sad Life of a Solitary Mage: It really is basically Ella Enchanted, just with gender bending and way more implied inappropriateness.

The Pink Beneath the Gray: I should actually write the shipfic I meant to write instead of this. Clear indicator that my method of never outlining is the best.

One Must First Step Into the Breach: He turns into a catgirl superhero. Bam. Let’s add this one to the numbers above.

What it is to be Haunted: Ghost sex probably would have better filled in the exposition spot, I bet.

A Heart Filled by Storms: Cass-senpai reviewed my story <3.

The Bonds You Choose, and Those You Leave Behind: The wounds are still too fresh.

Doggy Style: I have problems.

AWARDS

TOP STORY: A Distinct Lack of Regret
BEST SHIPPING: Ars Vivendi: Memento Mori
BIGGEST FAILURE: Inevitability
MOST QUESTIONABLE: Sad Life of a Solitary Mage
MOST SURPRISING FINISH: Blind Dating in a World Gone Mad
MOST DISAPPOINTING FINISH: Heeding the Siren’s Call
LEAST COMPLETE: Tales From Another Time: A Cantata Mezzo Voce

Now I’m sure you’re all thinking, “I sure enjoy Andrew talking about himself forever, but I do wonder what he thinks of my stuff.”

Well, given there were 22 goddamn rounds that I’m counting in the last year, I can’t cover you all individually, so I figure hey, how about I give out some special awards to other fics from the year? I’m mostly focusing on medalists because there are a lot of fics to remember.

GOLDIEST GOLD: The Color of Stars
BEST NON-STANDARD PROSE: Pinkamena’s Wake
SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS IN HORROR: The Archtypist
FIC I FEEL WORST ABOUT BEATING: The Eye That Floats Unblinking in Sunset Shimmer’s Kitchen
GOLDIEST SILVER: The Twilight Council
BEST TITLE: The Eye That Floats Unblinking in Sunset Shimmer’s Kitchen
GOLDIEST BRONZE: Moon Bright
I NEED TO GIVE AN AWARD TO SOMETHING FROM AN ORIGINAL ROUND: The Coup
I NEED TO GIVE AN AWARD TO SOMETHING FROM AN ORIGINAL ROUND TWO, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: Miskatonic Electronics

(Seriously bad luck on the Originals getting robbed out of all my awards)

So yeah. Fun year. Or not. I dunno. You all decide.

Happy 2018 and may the writing continue to happen and be good, eh?

Congratulations to our medalists!

As to Felines, this wasn't exactly my greatest performance, but it ended up not placing as badly as I feared.

Most of all, thank you >>Fenton, >>Zaid Val'Roa, >>Monokeras, >>AndrewRogue, >>Not_A_Hat, >>Astrarian, >>Dubs_Rewatcher, and >>libertydude for your comments.

Unfortunately, as is all too often the case, there were some serious mistakes from the very beginning. You see, my intent was for it to end with the girlfriend taking the dog, and him keeping the cat. Re-reading the story after seeing the first comment was basically a facepalm moment, as I never write a word indicating that the human was the man.

Of course that wouldn't have completely salvaged things; the other main issue raised was that the cat perspective/human action of the story don't really gel, either. So yeah, it'd need a fair bit of work.

Regardless, thank you all again for the feedback!

I just read this blog about the manhattan project and now I'm sure enough about it to say I finally got the picture you had in mind when writing this:

"Men had been told that the scientists thought there was a small chance for the bomb to set off a chain reaction that would ignite the nitrogen and oxygen in the atmosphere, killing all life on Earth. As the bomb was primed they sat in the site chapel, crying."

Before, I hadn't made the connection to scheduled tests, which made that 20 sec line really extra weird to me, and had assumed this to play in our present. If there's any clues towards time and place I still don't get them..
But with that context I think I like your story even better now.

I know this is almost 4 months after the contest, but I just wanted to say something about this story before it gets filed away. I wrote this based on the experiences my grandfather had during the Depression, World War 2 and the final years of his life. I'm surprised it got to second place, but I'm more than happy it did. I've noticed that both this and "Brother's Keeper" were both based on events I'd actually experienced, and they seem to be the most celebrated of my works in these contests. Maybe when the emotion is more real, I can make better material.

Thanks for voting it to number 2, and I'll see you around.