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Here at the End of all Things. · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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Solacing Dreams
Amidst the silence of her room, Princess Luna stared at the open scroll atop her mahogany desk. She traced the words on the parchment with her hoof as she read them once again, stopping at the wax seal emblazoned with three capital letters.

“Has it been a month already?” Even though she was smiling, there was a hint of sadness in her eyes.

Smiling to dispel the melancholy, Luna sat on a cushion and spread her wings; her breathing slowed down, her back arched, and raised her head as her horn lit up. The energy casted a barely noticeable white light over the room which grew in size as well until it enveloped her.

In the blink of an eye, the light was gone, and with it, every trace of the regal alicorn. Instead, there stood a light blue unicorn mare whose only similarity to Princess Luna was the black regalia which now hung on her smaller frame.

The now unicorn Luna stretched and moved around to get used to her smaller body before removing her crown, slippers and chest piece and floated them towards an open chest.

Free from her royal insignias, Luna walked towards her balcony and opened the doors, snatching a scarf from a nearby perch as she exited. Once outside, she took in the sight of the sprawling city before her.

She spared one glance at her moon, and assumed it was likely past nine. Sighing she returned her gaze to the cityscape and scanned it in search of a specific building before focusing on on a spell and in disappearing in a flash.

With a similar burst of light, she reappeared down in the city, within the conspiratorial embrace of a dark alley. After checking for any random passer-by who may have spotted her she walked towards the building across the street, rising high above the Canterlot homes and contrasting with its surroundings, while managing to blend with them in the great sprawling city at the same time.

She made her way to the front entrance, past the young couple dragging a filly with a severe cold. A pony in a wheelchair moved to let her pass. Two mares in white garments were taking an elder pony in a stretcher into an elevator. Surrounded by chaos, a cream-coloured mare sat behind a desk, going through some files.

Smiling, Luna made her way towards the counter, avoiding the ponies walking to and fro, and cleared her throat to catch the mare’s attention mare.

“Oh, hello, Solacing Dreams! It’s so good to see you again,” the mare said with a warm smile.

“Goodnight, Tender Care, I hope I’m not too late,” Princess Luna—or rather, Solacing Dreams—said.

“Not at all, Sol,” Tender Care said in an earnest tone, standing up and giving Luna a quick hug, “everypony is waiting for you. You’ve got a busy night ahead.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Luna said as smile spread over her face.




The hallway was filled with the sound of hooves against floor tiles. Several ponies ran back and forth; some hurried, scared, others carrying somber expressions. The pair walking down the hallway, however, looked comparatively happier.

“It’s so good to see you again,” Tender Care said with a smile. “I can’t believe it’s been a month since your last visit.”

“I’d love to come more often, I just… Have other obligations,” Luna replied.

“It’s alright, I understand. Besides whenever you drop by is a day we don’t forget easily.” Tender Care marked her words with a lighthearted nudge.

She couldn’t contain the smile spreading through her face, nor did she want to, if she was honest. “Who shall be the first pony I meet tonight, Tender?” the disguised Luna asked.

“Summer Breeze. Pegasus mare, seventy eight years old. She was admitted to the hospital a little under a month ago, and was under intensive care until last week.”

‘Solacing Dreams’ nodded as she processed the information.

“Miss Breeze was in a dire state when she came in, she was under Intensive Care for over two weeks before she stabilised. Her family had her moved to a private room as soon as she was out of danger,” she summarized the report.

They came to a stop outside one rooms. Luna glanced at the photograph on the removable plaque next to the doorframe while nurse Tender Care looked at her files.

“I trust she is better… For the time being, I mean,” Luna added as an afterthought.

Tender Care sighed as she turned the file for Solacing Dreams to see. A quick scan was answer enough.

“Which is how she found out about my services,” Luna added her in a low voice.

Nurse Tender Care smiled a sad smile as she gave Solacing Dreams a sidelong glance, “The Director deemed her case fit and told her family about you, Sol.”

Luna nodded, but her eyes remained on the photo on the plaque. An elder pegasus mare stared back at her. Her coat was a dull colour which had some traces of what may have been vibrant fur long ago. Her mane was starting to thin out and gave her an even more frail appearance.

“She’s waiting for you, we told her you’d come around this time,” nurse Tender Care said as she closed the file and held her under her arm. “Go work your magic.”

Luna gave her a soft smile before looking at the nurse and smiling, “I’ll see you in a while, Tender.”

“Best of luck, Solacing,” nurse Tender Care said, turning around and walking away.

The faux unicorn spared one last look at the plaque next to the frame before giving a soft knock on the door.

“Who is it?” and old, weathered voice croaked from inside the room.

Solacing Dreams opened the door and peered inside, “Good night, Miss Breeze. May I?”

The room itself was different from the others in the hospital, too. In the times Princess Luna had been here as Solacing Dreams she had noticed how this section of the left wing resembled a bedroom fitted with medical appliances rather than a proper hospital room. But beyond the room’s adornments, she focused on the mare laying on the bed.

“Hello dear. Are you the mare of the dreams?” the old mare said with a smile as she pressed a button which raised the back of her bed.

The disguised Princess couldn’t help but smile. “Yes, Miss Breeze. I’m the mare of the dreams.”

Summer Breeze’s eyes brightened, and her wrinkled lips stretched even further into a wide grin, “How nice. I’ve been so impatient ever since Nurse Tender Care told me about you. What was your name, dear?”

“Solacing Dreams,” Princess Luna said.

“Is that so,” Summer Breeze’s soft chuckling soon morphed into a soft cough halfway through, “That is a beautiful name, dear.”

“Thank you. You can call me Sol if you wish to do so,” Luna said as she walked towards the bed.

“And you may call me Summer,” the elder mare said before taking a deep, wheezing breath.

“Very well, Summer,” Luna said to the mare in a comforting tone. She then pulled a chair closer with her magic and set it next to the bed. “I understand you’ve been informed of what it is that I do. Have you been made aware of how the process goes?”

“The nurses told me a little bit, yes. They said you cast a spell and create an illusion for me?” Summer Breeze said, stopping herself to take another deep breath.

“More or less,” Luna said. She then raised a hoof tentatively and put it on the bed, “I’m going to create a dream for you, a lucid dream, and I can make that dream be whatever you wish it to be.”

When Luna said this, Summer Breeze’s eyes widened slightly as did her smile.

“All I need to know is what would you like to dream about, and I’ll be sure to make it happen.”

“Anything?” Summer asked.

“Anything,” Luna answered.

The smile still tugged at Summer’s lips. She turned around and grabbed a framed picture from her nightstand with both hooves.

“I think… I think I’d like to go flying,” Summer Breeze said, staring longingly at the picture.

“Flying?” Luna asked her. While it was a somewhat mundane activity, she’d never dismiss the wishes of anypony. There had to be a strong reason why she wished to dream about flying. Fortunately, she didn’t have to wait long to hear it.

“I loved to fly, but… That’s when I had a younger mare’s feathers, you see,” Summer Breeze said as she turned around the picture for Luna to see.

The old photograph depicted a beautiful landscape of lush hills full and snowy mountains in the distance. In the centre, a lively group of ponies looked back at her, laughing and smiling, but Luna focused on one mare. A mare who had an energetic expression in her eyes, and had a cocky smirk plastered over her face.

“That’s me, in case it wasn’t obvious,” the old mare croaked as she pointed at the mare in the middle. Taking yet another deep breath, she continued, “I’ll have you know I was quite an avid flyer back in the day.”

Summer Breeze smiled, and Luna could identify a hint of smugness in it, “Is that so?”

“No distance was too long, no mountain too high, and no valley too deep to keep me from flying through it,” she puffed out her chest in pride.

“Quite the adventurer,” Luna said, smiling as well.

“Oh, yes. Which is why I’d like to do it one last time,” Summer Breeze deflated when she spoke.

Luna kept looking at the framed picture for a moment, taking in the sight of the young mare. She gave a firm nod, setting the frame back on the nightstand, “I shall see your wish fulfilled. Miss Breeze. Leave everything to me. Go back to sleep, and I’ll take care of everything.”

Nodding, Summer Breeze turned to the panel by the bedside and pressed another button which lowered the back of the bed.

“Close your eyes…” Luna said as a light appeared at the tip of her horn, “and it’ll start.”

Summer Breeze did as instructed, and it wasn’t too long before she fell asleep.




Birds chirped all around. That’s what she first noticed. She tried to look for the source of those sounds, and in doing so she took in her surroundings.

Summer Breeze sat on an empty patch of yellow grass amidst a forest, the canopies rising high above her. Suddenly, three little birds flew around her and rose up to the treetops. She watched them rise higher and higher until the light shining through the treetops blinded her.

Reacting instinctively, she raised a hoof to cover her eyes, only to be surprised by how swiftly she had moved, and even more so when she saw the bright pink fur covering her leg.

“What…? Ah!” Summer Breeze gasped loudly once she heard her noticeably younger voice.

“I thought this would make things easier for you,” Solacing Dreams said, stepping into the clearing and catching Summer Breeze by surprise.

“Oh, Miss Solacing… You did this?” The former old mare said, dumbfounded.

Solacing Dreams nodded, “I strive to create the best possible dreams for my…” she stopped herself. “For those who require my services.”

Summer Breeze was too focused on her wings to have noticed Luna’s slip. She stretched her right wing and scanned every feather, tracing their path, mesmerised by them.

“It’s… Been a long time,” Summer Breeze said as she flexed her wing back and stretched the other.

“As I said, I strive for the best,” Solacing Dreams said as she walked towards the mare now made young again.

“I still can’t believe it,” Summer Breeze flapped her wings a couple of times, which sent a few dry leaves flying away. “Everything looks like it did when I was young. How… how did you know?”

“I create the setting for the dream, your subconscious does the rest,” Princess Luna said, simplifying the process for the mare to understand.

Summer Breeze lifted a hoof to her cheek. “How long do I have, Sol?” She looked away in silence, and Luna couldn’t blame her.

“Time is of no concern in the realm of dreams,” she finally said, and Summer Breeze’s face brightened, “Go on, Miss Breeze. Enjoy yourself. Fly.”

She didn’t need to be told twice. Standing up, she unfurled her wings and stretched her back. She gave her wings another tentative flap as her smile grew. With a stronger flap and a kick to the ground, Summer Breeze was up in the air, rising above the trees, and was gone in a second.

The Princess smiled. For a moment she considered turning back into an alicorn and flying alongside her, but she knew better. She looked back at the spot where Summer Breeze had disappeared and, in a blink, she was gone.



The sun hung brightly on the sky, shining its light over the clouds as they were gently pushed by the wind. One cloud dissipated into the air, and a pink pegasus flew through the spot where it had been, sending away its remnants with the beating of her wings.

Summer Breeze glided through the sky, staring at the blue expanse above her through half-lidded eyes. She shook her head so her mane could flow freely with the wind. After taking in the warm sunrays for a while, she took a deep breath and brought her wings close to her body and soon plunged through the clouds and falling back to the ground.

The pegasus fell, and loved every second of it.

Just as the ground got too close, she spread her wings wide, lifting her body and sending her back towards the sky at the last moment. She enjoyed the way her muscles strained as she flapped her wings, the way her feathers caught every current of air, and the way the wind buffeted her face. Every sensation triggered a memory which filled her with joy.

It was an odd, yet familiar feeling. Despite being out of practice for years, instinct would guide her wings to assure a smooth flight. The smallest change in air currents was followed by a change in the angle of her feathers.

She scanned the horizon in search of any landmark in this foreign world. A mountain range rose from the earth far up north, and Summer Breeze thought she could see where the white snow turned into rock and dirt, with a few scattered trees signaling where the forest started. Glancing in the other direction, she could see where the mass of trees ended far in the distance, and a sprawling green field followed.

Endless destinations. Endless possibilities. The mare of the dreams had told her not to worry about time, to focus on enjoying herself, on having fun. And she would.

She shook her head and as her mane billowed with the wind, she spotted an opening amidst the trees making way for a river. Flexing one wing, her body dipped to the side, gliding slowly until her hooves touched the treetops.

It wasn’t long before she could see herself reflected against the rippling stream’s surface, and even though her reflection was blurry due to the speed she was going, she could clearly see one thing.

She was smiling wider than she had in years.

Summer Breeze laughed. Laughed as hard as she could. She lowered enough to touch the surface. Her hoof parted the water, sending a few drops straight to her face and making her giggle. Throwing caution to the wind, she dipped even further, plunging her arms in the water as she sped up the beating of her wings.

Splitting the water as an arrow fired at full speed, she shifted the angle of her wings until she was spinning above the river, sending the streams of water up and all around her.

In that moment, Summer Breeze felt nothing but happiness.



Princess Luna watched the spectacle from afar. She watched every twirl and spin, every stunt and pirouette, and giggled as the mare laughed her heart out. She watched her, and her chest swelled with pride.

If she was honest, there were many things she loved about providing this service for her little ponies, and seeing the joy she brought was a close second.

Her sight focused on the mare as she flew down a cascade, and followed the river as it snaked its way through the land. Off in the distance, Luna recognised the outline of a small town next to the river.

She felt a small tingling sensation in the back of her mind. She always knew when to give her ponies privacy in their dreams; but she felt compelled to follow Summer Breeze, just for a while.

She focused on the dream spell and in an instant, she was in the quaint little town, disguised as one of its many inhabitants.

Speaking of whom, the ponies had noticed the pink pegasus approach. Everypony stopped tending their stands, passing mares left their bags on the ground as they pointed lively at the pegasus flying by. The whole town ran towards the river and waved at her.

They smiled and cried ‘hellos’ as Summer Breeze flew past them, slow enough to wave back. Luna was amongst them, but as the pink pegasus flew by them, she noticed something odd.

Summer Breeze waved back, but she wasn’t smiling.

She kept flying, and it wasn’t too long before she disappeared in the distance. As soon as she was out of sight, the villagers slowly walked away and went back to their labours until only Luna stood there. She leaned over the wood and crossed her arms. She wondered what had happened. Were her eyes playing tricks on her? Impossible, there were no secrets for her in the realm of dreams.

She squinted her eyes, protecting them from the sunlight. The pegasus mare was long gone. Luna didn’t want to be nosy, but if something bothered Summer Breeze, she wanted to help.

She focused on her dream magic, and disappeared.



Summer’s mane whipped every which way as she flew as fast as her rejuvenated body could. She paid no mind to the town she passed, there was nothing to think about. She was here to fly, not to think.

She opened her eyes as she sighed. If the sound of crashing water was to be believed, there was a waterfall coming up ahead. Quite a large one at that.

Stretching her hooves forward, Summer Breeze sped up, going faster and faster as she approached the waterfall. Once she did, she spread her wings and, tensing them as much as she could, she got closer to the water, the errant drops falling on her face doing little to deter her.

Holding her limbs close to her body, she beat her wings faster and faster as she got closer to the cascade, and the stream of falling water became two. Without wasting time, Summer dove between them and gave a quick spin which turned the waterfall into two intertwined twisting streams.

She gave her slightly damp wings a shake and shifted the angle ever so slightly to change her falling trajectory. A quick jerk of her left wing made her veer to the side, and she glided gently from side to side, as a leaf caught in the wind. She let the air currents dictate her movement as she drifted closer and closer to the ground.

Finally, she landed on top of a large rock, a distance away from the crashing waters. She shook her body vigorously, ridding herself from any errant drops. With a drawn out sigh, she opened her eyes, and couldn’t help but smirk at the rainbow caused by the light refracting on the mist at the base of the waterfall.

“Nice move,” a voice said from behind her.

Summer Breeze jumped in the air and turned around, startled by the sudden visitor. Or, rather, visitors. Hovering in front of her were a group of pegasus.

“Oh, sorry,” a mare said as she flew forward, closer to Summer Breeze, “we didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No, it’s alright. You… just took me by surprise,” she finally said as she fluttered her wings. Summer Breeze stared at them with wide eyes. She looked at them with curiosity.

“Good!” the first stallion replied, “we were flying and saw you do that stunt with the waterfall.”

“It was awesome,” a burly stallion interjected, “you were speeding and then started falling, and you sped up even more, and then the waterfall split in two. It was amazing!”

The group giggled at the stallion’s enthusiasm, making clear they shared his opinion of Summer Breeze’s skills.

“What’s your name?” A mare asked her.

Summer Breeze kept staring at them as a smile slowly formed on her face.

“Summer Breeze,” she said after a moment of silence.

“Nice name,” the first stallion said, extending his hoof, “would you like to fly with us? We’re on our way back home and we decided to take the scenic route.”

Another round of giggles was heard, but Summer Breeze didn’t take part in it. The group of pegasus looked at her expectantly, happy smiles on their faces.

“I’d love to,” she finally said.

The group cheered and clapped their hooves.

“Excellent,” the first stallion then turned around and motioned his companions to fly up. One by one, the pegasus took to the skies until only Summer Breeze and him stood next to the waterfall.

“Let us go, then,” he smiled, and in a wingbeat he was gone.

Summer Breeze watched them go, her eyes trailed the shapes in the sky as they got further away. She bit her lip as a dozen thoughts rushed through her mind, but only one mattered.

“Don’t lag, Summer Breeze,” the stallion said as he flew.

Summer reminded herself why she was here, why she was doing this.

“To fly…” the words escaped her lips. She started at the sky with conviction and spread her wings. Nothing was going to stop her.

Giving the rocky soil a strong kick sent her body upwards, and the beating of her wings picked up and sent her higher and higher, as an arrow shot to the skies.



The group of pegasus flew through the sky in a free, careless manner. Their flight lacked order, sense, direction, style, or perhaps even reason; and yet brimmed with vigour and gusto. They laughed and shot each other merry looks as they circled one another, teasing their companions and making jokes. They flew as a single chaotic entity, and they loved it.

It wasn’t long before they came in contact with a strong air current coming from the opposite direction, forcing them to fly closer to each other to better face the winds. One stallion took the lead and flew to the front, the beating of his wings against the air currents caused them to lose strength, making it easier for the flock to fly after him.

They kept this formation for a while, whenever the pegasus flying at the front grew weary of their labour, one of the pegasus at the back took their place. Under this arrangement, it wasn’t long until Summer Breeze was at the front.

She paced herself and basked in the sensation of wind rustling her fur and feathers as she parted the air currents enabling the flightmates’ pass.

Now that is a word she hadn’t used in a while.

How long had it been since she could have said she had true flightmates? Ponies to whom she could trust her life during long flights and who could, in turn, trust in her? Not for quite some time. Summer Breeze found she missed that feeling, and couldn’t hold back a sigh as her mind was assaulted by memories of those—

“Are you alright, Summer?” The mare behind her said, breaking Summer Breeze from her stupor.

“Ah, eh… I,” she stumbled with her words as she pushed all those memories to the back of her mind, “Yes, I’m… Fine. Why do you say that?”

The mare shrugged between wing flaps, “You’ve been at it for a while now. We wouldn’t want you to strain yourself.”

“No, I’m… I’m quite alright,” Summer Breeze said as she smiled in reassurance.

“Just make sure you don’t sprain a wing, girl,” a stallion a few rows back said.

Summer Breeze didn’t reply. She merely turned back her head and kept flying.

“Hey, I was just kidding, you know?” The stallion said in an apologetic tone.

“I know,” she said almost immediately, but still didn’t turn around. That marked the end of the conversation, seeing how she didn’t say anything else afterwards.

“Well done, you goof,” another pegasus chided him in a low tone—yet loud enough for the rest to hear—, to which the offending pegasus let out a hurried apology.

Even though she didn’t utter a single word, the mind of Summer Breeze was alight with resurfaced thoughts and memories which weren’t as pleasant as the ones which came before.

These hurt more.

“Hey,” Summer Breeze said, catching everypony’s attention, “What do you say about a change of scenery?”

She directed their attention at the ground where the mountains gave birth to a zigzagging gorge. Summer’s proposal was met with excited murmurs. After the implied agreement she plunged towards the widening schism in the ground.

The others soon followed suit, one after the other, forming a line which snaked its way through the skies and down the gorge.

Rocky walls with the odd tuft of green sprouts marked their path, and while the space between the cliffs wasn’t too narrow for them to fly through, the group still stuck together.

It wasn’t too long before the gap between the rock walls grew wider and greenery surrounded them as the gorge widened into a valley full of lush green trees.

They slowed down, taking their time appreciating the landscape’s every detail. One pegasus broke formation when he dove into a pear tree and came out with a few fruits held between his forearms. He threw some to his flightmates before eating one in a single bite. One mare giggled at the sight, and a few lighthearted jabs were exchanged.

When they made it out of the clump of trees, they were received by an open fields covered in knee-high grass with patches of flowers growing at random, streams of water flowing through the ground’s imperfections. Such was the beauty of their surroundings, everypony in the group felt compelled to land, if only to appreciate it from a closer perspective.

Everypony save for Summer Breeze.

“Hey, Summer. Hold up!” A pegasus yelled, trying to catch the flying mare’s attention.

“Why is she going away?”

The group watched Summer Breeze fly farther and farther away from them as her figure becoming smaller and smaller against the crimson skies.

“You think she got bored of us?” A stallion asked the group, with confused shrugs and headshakes as her only answer.

A volley of emotions coursed through the group. Sadness, confusion, but all shared the same hurt in their eyes. Except for one mare in the back .

“I don’t think that’s the case,” Princess Luna said, under the guise of one of them.

She stared at Summer Breeze, now a mere speck in the distance, before closing her eyes and disappearing in a blink.



Summer Breeze flew towards an unknown destination. Any destination was welcomed as long as it kept her from—No. She needed to stop getting distracted. What was it Miss Sol said? Whatever happened in the dream was up to her subconscious.

She just wanted to fly. Soar the skies and become one with the wind. Fly just… Just as…

Summer Breeze started to descend. She wasn’t tired, she just needed to clear her mind. A tilt of her wings later, she landed on the grass, crushing a few dry leaves beneath her hooves.

That couldn’t be right. She had passed a field full of greenery, why were there dry leaves? She lowered her head to better see the crumbled leaves when she heard the singing of birds somewhere near her, and turned around in time to see three little birds fly from behind her.

She cried out in surprise as the birds circled her before flying up, disappearing between the canopies. She looked around, and it didn’t take her long to figure out where she was.

“Back so soon, Miss Summer?” Princess Luna said, coming out of the woods as Solacing Dreams.

“Sol…” Doubting for a moment, she gave a tentative step towards her, “Why am I here?”

“I couldn’t tell,” Luna half-lied. She couldn’t say with certainty why Summer Breeze was back at the starting point, but she had a few ideas, “I’d dare say you don’t want your dream to be over yet, am I wrong?”

“No!” Summer Breeze yelled as her hooves reached out, only to recoil and avert her gaze.

Luna didn’t even flinch. She kept looking at Summer Breeze with a neutral expression which asked nothing but invited her to talk regardless.

“I mean… no. Not yet,” she said in a downcast tone as her gaze fell to the ground. “I got distracted, is all. I’ll keep going, I want to keep going.”

As she said this, she looked up, and Luna could see her eyes were different. Once again she recognised the pleading look of the old mare in the hospital bed.

“I still have time, right?”

Princess Luna looked at her with the same neutral expression as before but now the corners of her mouth turned upwards.

“Of course,” she said.

Summer Breeze took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “Thank you,” she finally said, and without wasting time, she took to the skies, rising upwards as an arrow shooting to the heavens.

If there was one principle by which Luna abided during her stay in the realm of dreams, it’s that she’d never interfere in such a way which would go against the wishes of her subjects.

Still, Luna thought, she could always speed up the process and let Summer Breeze’s subconscious do the rest.

Once again, Princess Luna focused on the dream magic and disappeared.



Summer Breeze flew, and this time it took her less effort to keep her mind blank. The wind rustling her mane blew the thoughts from her mind and the beating of her wings pushed her worries away.

Right now, the rest of the world didn’t exist, save for herself and the sky. She hugged herself as her body swayed in rhythm with the wind, gliding over the dense canopies. She spared a look at them, seeing them dance as they followed a silent melody, caressed by the wind. One sideways glance and she could once again take in the snow-capped mountain range in the distance.

She had to give Solacing Dreams some credit; she couldn’t remember sights as breathtaking as the ones before her back in Equestria, it was a remarkable work if she said so herself.

While pondering these thoughts, a faint sound came to her ears, that of a nearby river. Their abundance didn’t come as much of a surprise seeing as she was so close to a snowy mountain range.

That the river led to the small town she visited earlier, though, did surprise her.

That wasn’t possible, she flew in a completely different direction than she had earlier, she was sure of it. The sun was setting to her left. She was sure she flew east earlier, but was now in a southbound flight.

Trying to make sense of the geography of a dream wasn’t the best use of her time, though. Even though Miss Solacing had said time wasn’t a concern, she knew the dream couldn’t conceivably last forever.

Nevertheless, the village was still there, waiting for her. It didn’t matter, she still had endless directions to pick, and a whole world to fly through. Turning at random, she flew towards her next destination.

This proved futile, for she heard the faint sound of wingbeats came to her ears. Far in the distance, a group of pegasus was approaching her. A group she recognised.

“No…” Summer Breeze shook her head as words rushed out. “No nonono. No!”

Summer turned around in an instant, almost spraining her wings in the process. She had to get away. Away from them.

She beat her wings as fast as she could, causing the canopies to part in two. It didn’t matter how much she would have to fly, she’d do it. She’d do it if it meant she could…

So she could do what?

Summer Breeze slowed down. Her lips contorted into a painful grimace as she thought back to the nurse’s words a few days ago. She couldn’t help but wrap her arms around her.

Unbeknownst to her, she drifted downwards.



Summer Breeze landed on a clearing. She didn’t even bother to look around her, but rather limited herself to taking deep, slow breaths as she stared at the ground. There was no need to confirm her location, she was well aware of where she was.

“Why am I here again?” Summer Breeze muttered under her breath. She knew Solacing Dreams was here as well.

Princess Luna stepped forward while keeping her face expressionless, “It is as I told you. I merely craft the dream’s setting, what happens in it is up to you.”

“Don’t lie…” Summer Breeze said under her breath.

“I would never do something to disrupt the dreams of my little ponies,” Princess Luna said. She was aware of her slip, but didn’t mind too much.

“I… I just wanted to fly,” Summer muttered a she sat on the grassy field.

“Is that not what you have been doing?” Luna asked her, approaching her ever so slowly. She was careful in her tone, measured in the words she chose to use with the mare. She had pushed enough, and the last thing she wanted was for Summer Breeze to react negatively and push her back.

Summer Breeze was biting her lower lip with unconcealed anger. Luna didn’t say anything, choosing to sit next to her instead.

Knowing words wouldn’t make the mare break her shell, the Princess opted for an alternative tactic.

The sunlight took on a warmer hue, casting the scene in a reddish-orange tone. Just as Summer noticed it, a little bird landed right in front of her, catching her attention with its faint chirps.

Summer Breeze looked at the small creature with an inscrutable expression. Gently, she lifted a hoof and approached it. The bird ogled the mare, and jumped on the extended limb. Summer didn’t react, she limited herself to follow the bird with her eyes as it perched on her forearm.

“Were you watching?” Summer asked after a while, and while she kept her gaze fixed on the little bird, Luna noticed she sounded far calmer than when she last spoke.

“At some points,” Luna lied.

Summer Breeze straightened up, and whipped her hoof, sending the bird flying away. As it disappeared between the trees, Summer went back to her hunched position and faced Solacing Dreams.

“I’m guessing you saw them, didn’t you?” Summer asked, shrinking a bit with each word.

Luna nodded, “Your flying partners. The ones from the picture you showed me.”

“Yes…” Summer averted her eyes, as if confessing something embarrassing.

“One would think you’d be pleased to see them,” Luna said. She carefully measured her words—lest she provoked an outburst from Summer Breeze—knowing how sensitive a topic this was for her.

“I… I…”

Luna rested a hoof on the mare’s shoulder, hoping to bring her a modicum of reassurance. Summer then looked up at her, and both mares shared a look of silent understanding.

“I was happy to see them, but… Seeing them after so long brought back painful memories as well.”

“And what, if I may ask, were those memories about?”

Summer Breeze, once again, remained silent. Luna didn’t press her this time, waiting for the mare to speak—If she spoke at all.

“I had an accident… Back then, I mean, when I was younger,” Summer started, and it was undeniable she was making a conscious effort to force the words out.

A younger mare’s feathers, Luna remembered. She remained immobile, with her left hoof still on Summer Breeze’s shoulder. With a light squeeze, she pushed the mare to keep talking.

“It’s as I told you. We were a group of wannabe adventurers, always flying in search of a new destination. We did several explorations on the then-uncharted territories outside of Equestria.” For a moment, Summer Breeze’s mood improved. She smiled as her eyes shone with happiness.

“We were flying West, past the Smokey Mountains. While we were staying in a nearby village, we heard Cloudsdale had received a report about a storm forming over the North Luna Ocean and issued a warning about possible typhoon, but we didn’t pay any mind to it,” at this point, Summer Breeze shot a mirthful smirk at Solacing Dreams, “the folly of youth, I suppose.”

Luna smiled back at her as the riverside village from earlier came to her mind.

“In spite of all the red flags, we still went ahead with the trip. We took off one morning and didn’t stop until sundown. We were exhausted, so we settled down and went to sleep. It started to rain after that, but it felt like a spring drizzle, so we weren’t alarmed,” Summer Breeze scoffed at the memory.

“Later that night the wind picked up, and it caught us by surprise,” the pegasus turned around and looked straight at Solacing Dreams. Her eyes were damp. “Have you ever been in the middle of a storm, Miss Sol?”

Luna shook her her head, and Summer Breeze nodded in return.

“The winds picked up, and they got stronger and stronger. Some of us were blown right off the clouds, it was absolute chaos. We struggled to pick up our equipment and got out of there as fast as we could—” Summer made a pained expression“—Which is to say, not fast enough. By the time we started flying, the storm was over us.”

She felt silent for a moment, as though recalling the events of that night was an odyssey of its own. Soon enough, Summer found the strength to keep going.

“One could think the worst part of it would be the rain accumulating in your wings, weighing you down; or the wind hitting you in the face, making you close your eyes. Those were bad, but it doesn’t compare to not being able to communicate with anyone.”

Summer Breeze’s hoof shot instinctively up to her side, caressing her wings. Luna noticed it, but said nothing.

“Howling winds, torrential rain, extreme cold… For all intent and purposes you are deaf and blind. You feel so isolated, so… alone out there,” Summer Breeze spoke as she stared longingly in the distance, as if she could see her younger self fighting against the storm.

“We couldn’t fly in our usual formation, but even then we tried to stick together. I guess what happened then shouldn’t have come as a surprise.” Summer’s free hoof went to grab Luna’s, looking at the disguised Princess with an expression which emanated pain and desperation.

“I panicked. Most of us did. We were stupid, we were so stupid. We got in well over our heads. But we didn’t pay attention because we were overconfident… Because I was overconfident. And I paid the price for it.”

Luna squeezed Summer’s hoof. She could see the tears streaming from her eyes, and silently urged her to go on.

“In the darkness and the confusion, I couldn’t see a tree until it was too late. I tried to dodge it, but my wing was hit by a branch… I spun around and hit more trees as the wind sent me t-to…” Summer Breeze’s voice broke.

Acting quick, and without thinking, Luna extended her forearm and brought the mare closer into her embrace. Summer Breeze broke down. She hugged her tightly and buried her face in Luna’s coat. The Princess gently nuzzled her, patting her back and offering comfort.

“I thought my life would end. Flying was such an important part of who I was and… and losing it so… suddenly was—” Summer Breeze couldn’t keep going. She wailed, crying out the years of pent up pain and repressed anger.

Luna kept holding her, staying still and giving Summer something firm to latch onto. After a while, the pegasus managed to calm down enough to keep talking.

“I lost use of my left wing, and my right wing was too damaged for me to use it anyway. After some time I was able to… How do they say… Put it behind me, in a way, and get on with my life. But I could never forget the joy I felt when I flew.”

“Which is why you wanted to fly in your dream,” Luna said, breaking her silence.

“One last time,” Summer Breeze added, and remained silent for a moment before speaking again in a tone resembling a hushed whisper, “Should I assume the nurses informed you about my state?”

Luna nodded as she recalled the file nurse Tender Care had showed her earlier that evening, “They did,” she said, and not another word was uttered.

“Since my accident, I’ve made a couple of assisted flights, but it was delusional to try to fly on my own, specially at my age,” she scoffed, “I guess I just got closer to the end that way…”

Luna was about to scold her, but was quickly interrupted.

“Miss Sol, I’m not stupid. I am well aware of what awaits me,” Summer Breeze said in a bitter tone which caught Luna off-guard.

“I never meant to imply otherwise,” she managed to say back.

“The nurse was clear about the purpose of your services. You don’t do this for any pony, don’t you?” Summer looked straight at her, into her eyes. “Just for those… Those who—”

“Those who are close to the end,” she finished the sentence for Summer.

The pegasus nodded quickly, unable to find the strength to say anything else. Luna, meanwhile, did her best to remain impassive, and it reflected in the dreamscape. The wind stopped rustling the leaves. The blades of grass stood motionless, frozen in place. Even the faraway sounds of animals were muted.

Summer Breeze tried to keep calm. Although the Princess wouldn’t have blamed her if she didn’t.

“I don’t have long… I’m well aware of it. When I had my accident, I was so hurt I genuinely thought I was going to die. I was so afraid back then, but now I’m in the same situation…” Summer shook her head, and once again fell into silence.

“It’s okay, Summer” Luna spoke in a calming tone. “It’s okay to feel that way.”

The pegasus forewent her age and acted like a small filly seeking comfort in the embrace of her mother.

“You’ve lost so much, but you carried on. Despite what life threw at you, you never gave up, did you?” Her only reply were more tears on her coat. Undeterred, Luna pushed forward. “You may have lost your flight, but that strong spirit never left you. You carried on, you lived your life, you had a family who I’m sure know this as well.”

With little effort, Luna pushed Summer Breeze and caressed her face with a hoof, making sure she was looking at her despite the tears.

“I don’t see in you a frustrated pony, but a strong mare who never yielded when life dealt a bad hoof. Don’t let the shadows of the past hide that.”

Summer looked at Luna for a spellbound moment, tears flowing freely, before the sobs came back and she buried her face on her chest once again.

While not immediately noticeable, Luna had done this enough times to know the worst had passed. She stroked Summer’s back as she waited for the mare to let it all out.

“Thank you, Sol. That does mean a lot,” Summer Breeze looked up after who knew how long, “I’m sorry I made you listen to the ramblings of an old mare.”

“Don’t be.” Luna was well acquainted with those feelings, and was quick to tell her so, “We all have fantasies, dreams, desires, regrets.”

Her words caught the elder mare’s attention. Having her full attention, Luna kept going, “Things we wish could be true, that we could have done, things we wish could have been different, or which may never happen. At least, not anymore. That’s part of life, just as accepting it. However, when I come to ponies in their last hour, I give them a chance to change that, even in the confines of a dream.”

Summer Breeze’s eyes were now dry, but in them shone a light of respect for the mare of the dreams.

“I guess that’s the reason why I do what I do,” Luna finished with a small smile.

“Does it ever get easier? Doing what you do?” Summer asked her.

“It’s always hard knowing one of my little ponies passed away. But knowing I’ve helped them make peace with their situation more than makes up for all the negatives.”

“Well, Miss Solacing. Know that you’ve succeeded tonight,” Summer said as she smiled a warm smile which reached her eyes.

“I’m happy to hear that,” Luna said back.

The mood between them lightened up, and with nothing more to say Summer Breeze looked around, a hint of embarrassment obvious in her face.

“Yes?” Luna asked her.

“Oh, I was just wondering if I hadn’t ran out of time,” Summer smiled an awkward smile more befitting the young mare she was in the dreamscape than the old pegasus from the real world.

Luna had to think about it. There still were ponies to visit tonight, so it’s not as though she could afford to spend all night with Summer Breeze, but one look at the mare dissipated her doubts, “Most definitely, Miss Summer. There’s still a little while.”

Summer Breeze was up in the air in an instant. Just as she was about to fly away, something stopped her. Looking back, she flew towards Luna and gave her a quick hug.

“Thank you, Miss Solacing,” she said, before letting go and flying away.

She looked up and saw the pegasus get smaller and smaller as she flew. Deep down, she knew there’d be no need to keep watching her.

There were many things she loved about providing this service for her little ponies, but none compared to the knowledge she could help them accept their situation; and once they’re laid to their rest, their hearts would be calm, and they would go in peace.

Luna couldn’t help but smile once again, and focusing on the magic of the dream, she disappeared.
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#1 · 1
· · >>Baal Bunny >>Rao >>Zaid Val'Roa
When discussing the end of all things, death is definitely one of the first things that comes to mind.

Let my start by saying that this story is well written. The pacing is good, the dialog is good, and the end made me smile. It isn't the first fic I've read about Luna providing solace to the dying, but that isn't a bad thing. It's certainly believable that, on one's final journey into the eternal night, Princess Luna would be there to guide them.

Which is where I find my criticism. Why does Luna feel the need to conceal her identity? Would it not have made more sense for her to go to the dreams of the dying in her regular dream-walking? Furthermore, why is Tender Care so happy to see the mare who seems to show up and kill ponies?

Okay so that last one was silly, and that was deliberate. But realistically, how do any of the doctors know what she's doing for these ponies? It just seems like something that would make more sense of Luna did it in person, instead of under an assumed name. I just don't understand the choice to use Solacing Dreams instead of Princess Luna.

Anyway, that gripe aside, I did enjoy the story. It was certainly worth the read, and it made me think, so I'd call this one a definite success. Good job!
#2 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
I'll echo >>Cyrano:

And wonder why Luna goes in disguise. What she does here sounds like it could be a regular part of her duties: the hospitals send notice to the palace, and Luna keeps a certain number of hours a week available to see to these patients.

I also had some problems with the POV, the way we start in Luna's head, then drift away from her to follow Summer Breeze for a while, then slip back and forth between the two at the end. I'll suggest keeping the whole story in Summer's POV: have her wake up in bed alone and miserable to find Luna there ready to make her dreams come true. You can keep the same sequence of events, just focus on how they play to Summer and her impressions of Luna throughout. It'll ground us in the one character and make us feel more of what she's feeling.

Mike
#3 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
WriteOff Reviews 12/5/17

Solacing Dreams:

You immediately press my “Alicorns/Princesses in disguise” button. You have my interest.

I’m not sure if it’s an intentional thing, but “Sol” being the shorthand for Luna’s mundane/disguise name is funny, what with Sol being the name of a star and usually more closely associated with Celestia. Related: Given her choice of name, I’m expecting a Kavorkian angle with this piece.

The thing that kind of strikes me is Luna/Sol using “Good night” as a greeting. It makes a degree of sense, since it’s nighttime, but in regular speech, reading, or writing I (almost?) never see it used as a greeting. “Good evening,” yes, quite often, but not “good night.” Which doesn’t make it wrong, at all. Could very easily just be one of Luna’s little quirks.

Aaaand scene. Hey I wasn't quite wrong. Look at me being a good guesser. Or you, author, being good at choosing a name that delivers proper thematic shading. I'll go against >>Cyrano (and Baal) on the point of Luna performing her service in disguise. I think the primary reason for that is to let everypony involved be more relaxed about what's going on. Where Princesses go, commotion tends to follow, and the "Make A Dream Foundation" is, rightfully, all about the soon-to-be departed.
#4 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
You've got a few scattered typos, but that happens in first drafts and this isn't a story where you have no room for those kinds of errors, so they're forgivable.

Luna helping ponies come to terms with their regrets so they can die in peace is an uncommon extension of her dreamwalking abilities, but I suppose it works. The question of whether she should be in disguise or not is one I'm divided on — on the one hand, having her disguised does make it about the recipient, which is good; on the other hand, there are some people who really kinda need to know who this person that's spending time with the end-of-life patients is (certain members of the hospital staff spring to mind).

I like what you've done with Summer Breeze. We get to see what she most regrets, but not through being there with her when it happens, just in the form of what she thought she'd moved on from, and you did that quite well.
#5 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
This was pleasant, though I'm not entirely sure why Luna has to hide her identity, especially from the terminally ill ponies... that isn't clear at all in the story. I'm also not sure why she does this only once a month if she enjoys it so much.

A few comments follow, mostly stylistic.

“I create the setting for the dream, your subconscious does the rest,” Princess Luna said, simplifying the process for the mare to understand.


You have an occasional habit of saying something the audience has already been shown, thus turning properly-done show into telliness.

She carefully measured her words—lest she provoked an outburst from Summer Breeze—knowing how sensitive a topic this was for her.


This would be better shown. Show us Luna pausing to consider her words, starting with one thing and then correcting herself, etc.

“And what, if I may ask, were those memories about?”


I don't think this is a sensitive approach. "Would you like to talk about it? Nothing you say will leave this dream.", might be a gentler push.

...once they’re laid to their rest, their hearts would be calm, and they would go in peace.


One they're laid to rest, they're already dead. They've already gone and their hearts are stopped and emotions nonexistent. It sounds like you're talking about restless spirits or zombie ponies here.

:moustache: "Zombie ponies?!"

:facehoof: "No, Spike."
#6 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
My synopsis:

Princess Luna visits an aged pegasus at the end of her day, to offer a favour.


Overall thoughts:

I like the sentiment here, that dying ponies deserve comfort and Luna provides it.
I didn't quite get sucked in properly, because I misread the intent of the opening, and then all the little technical faults piled up against me. This is very close to being something I'd really enjoy though.

+
This seems a sweet thing for Luna to do, and the kind of duty she'd be responsible for.
Summer has a reasonable voice. She's scared, obviously, but also there's joy and a spirit for adventure.
Summer literally coming full circle when she gets bitter, and then having another go, is a very nice thought/image.

++
Summer gets to fly off into the sunset, at her own pace.

-
You didn't foreshadow well enough that the ponies she goes flying with are her old friends and not just random dream ponies.
You need a proof-reader.
I think the opening, where she's going to the hospital, doesn't do much for the fic here. Everything before the first scene change.
I don't know why Luna is disguised, it seems an unnecessary and slightly distracting point to the plot. Particularly to me, because I hate her pseudonym here.


Rating:

Good draft, needs polish.


I really like the idea that Luna is "friendly death". That seems like an interesting concept. And to follow the struggle of a dying mare, coming to terms with that fact, is a powerful thing.
Unfortunately, I presumed that Luna was going to be literally death, when you wrote
Which is how she found out about my services
and that she was going to actively end somepony who was suffering. I don't hate that concept either, I just had to re-adjust.
I like that Luna shows up and basically gives this pony her heaven. It's bittersweet, and I love bittersweet. It's easy to over-do sentimentality and force it, but I thought this was perhaps a bit too cautious in that regard.
I'm an asshole about (amongst other things) grammar. I kept tripping on your words and that kept me from enjoying the story properly. And I hate "Solacing" in a pony name. It's the "ing" that does it. Go with noun-noun: "Night Solace" for instance. Solid entry despite that.
#7 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
Cool concept! I love Luna and all the creative ideas folks come up with for her character and abilities. I could definitely see her doing something like this.

Unfortunately, I didn't get as invested in this as I might have. My issues are mostly technical: I had trouble getting through a lot of it because of sentence structure/length, a few errors and similar readability issues. I don't want to pick on this one story too much, because I run into it a lot and commit my fair share. Some of that is to be expected while rushing just to get all the images and ideas out of our heads in some semblance of order.

One thing that helps me is to read each sentence aloud, noting the rhythm and phrasing, the places it falls naturally to pause and breathe. If something sounds awkward or unnatural, I may try rewriting it several different ways--splitting up longer sentences, rearranging words, experimenting on innocent punctuation marks--until I find the flow that feels best. Sometimes I'll find simpler word choices or whole phrases I can trim without losing meaning.

I know that's not a specific critique, really, just something I thought to mention in case anyone else finds it useful. I'm glad this story is here, and I would be glad to read it again if it has not yet reached its Final Form.
#8 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
A fun idea and a strong high-level pacing makes this one pretty easy to get into the groove of. Nice work with that! If I'm being honest, though, I have to admit that this one wasn't quite my cup of tea. Gonna do it like a band-aid, here's my take:

There is no real conflict here, outside of the perfunctory "face your worst memories/past" deal. Luna, your main character, stays pretty much stagnant the entire way through. Summer Breeze learns a "don't worry, you've lived your life well" lesson that just feels a bit hackneyed. And the reveal that Summer lost her flight in an accident doesn't really strike an emotional chord with me, because we already knew that she could not fly for a significant period of time before the present moment. Learning about the exact circumstances and timeline wasn't really emotionally compelling for me.

In other words, you're trying to give the reader some warm fuzzies without really earning it. As a reader and a writer, I firmly believe that you can only evoke true sympathy for your characters when you put them in conflict with one another or with themselves. The fact that Luna plays part of the wise and mysterious benefactor so rigidly throughout the whole story felt inorganic and anti-sympathetic to me. And Summer's only internal conflict is learning a lesson she honestly should have learned a long time ago.

My advice: don't be afraid to throw a wrench in things! Luna doesn't need to be the perfect, benevolent figure she is. Explore the reasons why she might be doing this dream-therapy for ponies, instead of brushing it off with "she enjoys seeing her ponies happy." Instead, maybe this could be a dreaded obligation, or a long-forgotten practice from before her banishment. Flesh your main character out, is what I'm saying. Likewise, Summer should not be a perfect delicate little angel. Let her get angry at times, let her be inconsolable at times.

My point is, there needs to be some kind of meaningful friction somewhere. I hate it when I say that a story might need a top-to-bottom makeover, but I honestly think the best way to improve this piece would be to reshape it to showcase some kind of character flaw in Luna, Summer, or both. Like I said, I thought this was a neat idea, but even if your premise is strong, you need an equally compelling conflict to make the kind of emotional impact you're trying to achieve.
#9 · 3
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
A lot of typos and punctuation errors cropping up early in this. Some tense problems as well.

Ah, a hospital... okay, I'm curious now to see where this goes.

This story is falling into the trope of hiding the hook. I'm several pages in now, and every interaction Luna has actively avoids using any specific terms about what she's there to do. That effectively makes most of those interactions pointless, as they don't advance the plot.

Okay, she's here "to fly" and Luna knows something is slightly off about that... and the village shows that again... and the group of ponies again... this is a LOT of filler (decently imaged filler) without advancing things.

Then, just as we think we're about to get some info (while Summer is remembering stuff) another pony literally interrupts, leaving us in the dark still.

And it's LITERALLY looped around to the start of the whole dream, and still no answer. I'm really hoping this is all some great symbolic puzzle that will make sense at the end, but otherwise, I feel like nothing has happened for the last few thousand words.

When the ending finally does arrive, it's not too shabby. It's a bit predictable, though the fact that the accident was when she was young, and not just her age that took away her ability to fly... that was at least a small reveal.

Overall, I'm afraid this feels like a pretty standard story. Peace when at death's door is a good message, and a good image of something Luna would do. But the pacing here is just far too slow for me.

While there are some nice images in the dreamscape, I think even that concept was a bit wasted. Despite being in a dream, nothing much is actually SHOWN in all the imagery. Instead, Summer literally TELLS Luna what happened to her.

This is a hugely missed opportunity, author. A dream is the ultimate place to show instead of tell, and so having Summer just blurt it all out in a few paragraphs feels like a let down.

Still, overall, a really lovely idea at the core of this story, and a great use of her power in an important way.
#10 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
Genre: Make-a-Wish

Thoughts: I like this as a frame for potentially delivering a stronger resolution. As it is right now though, the ending seems to focus on the more existential aspects of making peace with death and regret, but I don’t feel like Summer’s story really resolves. She gets to bare her pain, but the way she does so feels disconnected from the rest of the narrative. I understand that she’s reliving the day or couple of days before one of her biggest regrets in life, but then we get to hear about the regret, and then... she flies off? IMO that doesn’t scream “satisfying arc” to me.

Buuuuut, be aware that that might be as much personal preference as anything. I think what’s here is successful at connecting on an emotional level, and is generally well-constructed. While there are typos, those didn’t bug me as much as the repetition of, “It wasn’t long before...” and variations on that theme. That’s a valid and useful turn of phrase, but there came a point where it had just cropped up too much for me to not be distracted.

Hmm. This review is coming in harsh. I really don’t want to leave this there, though. I think there are good bits in here all the way up from the concept on down to the actual content that we get on the page. That said, I feel like it’s missing a certain je ne sais quoi to help it really sing. I personally would look at firming-up the resolution to address that; like perhaps one of the flyers was her lover/“best friend”/favorite business associate, and part of her grief about the way she lost her wings was tied to losing that special somepony without getting to say goodbye? —Don’t take that as a sure prescription, but consider it as an example of the sort of thing that might make this tie together a bit more for me.

Tier: Keep Developing
#11 · 5
·
I'm happy to have made it to finals, it's been a while since a short story of mine has made it in. I think since last year.

I normally consider myself to be an acceptable--if unproductive--writer in most circumstances. Funny how that flips when it's time for a writeoff. I suddenly become a fast writer with barely passable execution. But hey, enough self-deprecation. I've got to own up to my shortcomings.

>>Cyrano
>>Baal Bunny
>>TrumpetofDoom
>>CoffeeMinion
>>WillowWren
>>Bachiavellian

As I address your many concerns about the story, I also want to talk about a bit about what the story itself was meant to be and how I would make a good butcher.

The core idea behind the story is Princess Luna offerings a service to dying ponies: Craft a dream for them so they can live out the things they wished they could've done in their lives as means of getting closure so they can die with at least a small positive in their last days. She does not euthanise them. Here's one snippet I ended up cutting as the deadline and word limit loomed over me:

“Indeed. Dainty Dove still talks about the session you had with her last month.” nurse Tender Care said, “she tells everypony who will listen to her about how much fun she had with you.”

While Luna’s smile didn’t falter, it was no longer a smile born out of a mix of pride and mild embarrassment, but rather a smile of contentedness and, perhaps, a dash of melancholy hidden somewhere within it.

She was quick to suppress it, however.

“Oh, and what about old Mister Spear? Last time I came he seemed to be getting better,” Princess Luna asked, and not a second had passed since those last words had left her lips before the mood between them sombered considerably and silence took over.

“I… I see,” she said, catching the implicit meaning.

“It’s alright, at least he finally got a respite from his condition,” nurse Tender Care said in a somewhat rehearsed way that let Luna know this probably wasn’t the first time she said those particular words.


Perhaps a bit too blunt, but I think it drives the point home. Luna offers her service to those who are about to die.

Now, another issue which came up was why does she have to disguise herself to do this, and how does it work with the hospital. Regarding the first question, there are two answers. >>Rao got most of it right, in that coming under a fake persona makes the patients feel more at ease and can let them open their hearts instead of trying to be reverent for the sake of the Princess. It's one thing for, say, a priest to office your wedding, and a completely different one is to get the Pope to do it. It would change the entire feel of the event.

The other reason is that providing this service under an alias serves as a contingency. Princess Luna is already known as the guardian of dreams, but it's not quite known that she can craft dreams. If this became something more known, it could create some issues, mainly lots of ponies vying for the chance to get their loved ones, or themselves, a tailor made dream. Or hey, this is Canterlot, maybe some snotty noble demands to hire Solacing Dreams and get personalised dreams at the expense of the ponies for whom Luna really wants to do this. So, instead, she provides the service under a fake name, and lets the Hospital choose a small number of ponies each month who get to enjoy this. You'll notice that this is not brought up in the story.

There was a brief allusion to this when Luna mentions that the Director deemed Summer Breeze's case fit, and that's it. I also wanted to hint this with the letter Luna is reading early in the story, but I never got around writing that due to time and word constraints.

Whoops.

Now, moving on to the meat of the story, we stumble upon my biggest issue as a writer: my overwrought--and at times overbearing--prose. Long story short, I feel the build up is drawn out, the imagery is alluring but ultimately inconsequential, it brushes upon emotional points rather than hitting them, the little conflict there is in the story is explored in a shallow way, Luna takes a very laissez-faire approach to solving Summer's troubles, and the dénouement is rushed and unearned.

I think that covers most of it. Now I'm going to try and defend what I did.

My original plan was to have an action from Sunset elicit a reaction from Luna. Much like the first two dream scenes did. Summer is happy to be flying, but stumbles accross a town and reacts negatively. Luna sees this, wonders what is going on, and then decides to find out. Sounds simple enough and that dynamic should help pinpoint Summer's insecurities and have her face those fears at the end. I think we all know how that plan turned out.

The reasons which led to my dowfall were interconnected. First of all was my aforementioned long prose, I try to rein it in, but it just takes over some time. Summer Breeze's scenes ended up being too long for their own good, stretching what little interesting aspects it had until they were padded with scenery filler, as >>Xepher brought up. this is what made the wordcount rise, so I had to start trimming things here and there, though that ended up not being enough.

This leads into the second problem. The lack of action on Luna's part. Despite intending to be a back and forth between her and Summer, it ended up being Summer flying on her own with Luna being a passive observer. This happened because I had to cut several planned Luna scenes to make up for the words Summer's portion had eaten up. They would've been short, yes, but crucial to get the full scope of the story. Here's one which I did get around writing, and which covers up one issue raised by >>ToXikyogHurt about Summer's flightmates:

As Luna came to know with the years, there is a peculiarity of dreams regarding the ponies who appear in them. All the inhabitants of our dreams are not creatures made up by our minds, but rather the faces of real ponies who we have seen during our lifetime.

We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces throughout our lives, and therefore have an endless supply of characters for our brain to use during our dreams. This is the reason why Luna never paid too much attention to the many faces that she saw in the dreamscape, given that most of the time she wouldn’t recognise them.

However, she could clearly recognise the ponies who had approached and then were left behind by a speeding Summer Breeze. If only because she had seen them all in a picture just moments before entering the realm of dreams.

She didn’t have to guess, Luna now knew something was wrong with Summer Breeze.

She followed Summer’s path as she kept flying up in the sky. She was going to find out what had wronged her, and she’d do her best to set it straight.


Oh, you can just feel the extraneous verbage.

But not all is tears, I can definitely see how I can improve this. If I learned anything in my mad dash to submit this story was just how many irrelevant phrases, expressions, and descriptions I use. If I were to keep the story structure the same but get rid of those, I'm sure I could lower the wordcount by a few hundred. Still the core of the issue are the needlessly long Summer scenes, and the missing Luna pieces to complete the puzzle. I trust I can tighten the narrative into a shorter and consistent story that actually packs an emotional punch.

However, I still would need to address another major detriment of the story, and that is the ending.

As it's been mentioned before, the grand resolution of the story is Summer spilling her guts to Luna and she gives her a small reassurance, meaning the entire story could've been avoided by having Summer talk with one of the hospital's psychologists. This is entirely unsatisfying, but as much as it may be for you to have read it, it's even more so for me because I didn't get to write the ending that I wanted.

I'd like to direct your attention to this line of dialogue which, as >>Trick_Question mentioned, was also needlessly repeated:
“I create the setting for the dream, your subconscious does the rest,” Princess Luna said

I didn't include this just for the sake of explaining how the dreamscape worked.

My initial plan was to have the dreamscape morph into the night of her accident, with Summer reliving that moment due to her subconscious inability to let go until Luna steps in and brings everything to normal, which would then lead to a healing talk which wouldn't rely on a rather dry reminscing, but on more emotional outpouring from Summer.

Y'know, showing instead of telling.

There's also the matter of why Summer is in the hospital. She has a skim-and-you'll-miss-it line about trying an unassisted flight which sent her to the hospital, but that's it.

I just got so caught up in those early scenes and trying to present Summer's dream that I couldn't get to tell a story I wanted to tell in the best way possible. That really bothers me, because this is a concept I wanted to try for some time.

However, as a mean to wrap this equally long autopsy in a lighter note, I wanted to quickly share a few thoughts I had to make the story more dynamic and less like sugarcoated sedatives:

a. Turn Luna's arrival to the hospital into a more rounded introduction to the premise of the story which adequatelly hints at all the backstory I mentioned here without turning into an infodump, so I can devote the body of the first chapter to Summer Breeze and Luna's interaction.

b. Cut down all which doesn't serve to the plot or Summer's characterisation, reinforcing the visual language of dreams instead of the telly parts, creating more engaging scenes which serve a clear narrative purpose.

c. Change Summer from a nice old lady in her late seventies to a younger~ish mare maybe just past middle age. This would let her have some more spunk than a septuagenarian while also letting me explore darker emotions in her. This would also make the reader more interested in why she's going to die, since it's less expected for someone in their late forties than in someone in their mid to late seventies.

d. As I wrote this, I came up with other possible scenarios where Luna visits other sick and dying ponies as Solacing Dreams, so I can explore other types of reactions, but I'll only do that if I manage to succesfully pull off an improved Summer Breeze chapter.




Man, almost 2k words just in this reply. I wish I could write this fluidly when dealing with my stories. Anyway, once again a huge thanks to everyone who read my story and to those who left feedback. It's greatly appreciated. And if you read through all of this post-mortem, then give yourself a hug from me. Or a cool secret handshake, whichever makes you more comfortable.

^ - ^