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#15320 · 4
· on No Spring Chicken · >>horizon >>Bachiavellian
Alright! I'll start by saying that retirement (and aging in general) was a very good use of the prompt—especially when it comes to Rainbow Dash.

Other than a couple of little spelling mistakes and an extra space between lines, the story was written quite well on a technical level. Rainbow remained very much in character for her parts of the story, and actually showed some growth by the end, which is something that some authors don't allow her.

However, there were a couple of things that stood out to me in this story. The first being a point where the doctor says that Rainbow will have to rest for "four months", to which Rainbow replies "Thee months?". I wasn't certain (and I'm still not) whether this was intentional on Rainbow's part, or merely an error, but if it was intentional I would have liked the doctor to address it somehow (like how the doctor does later when Rainbow says "three weeks" to the cadets).

The next one is the (potential?) romance with Applejack. This seemed to come out of the blue, and probably could have been better set up in Applejack's first encounter with Rainbow Dash. In fact, that scene is probably the fic's weakest point. It felt as if the fic was teasing the parentage of the foals initially, only to come out and say that their mother was Fluttershy. Maybe that was just me reading into things, but that section just felt... off. I had a similar feeling when Jupiter appeared (who is the father? are they around? was Jupiter a magically spawned simulacrum? Or adopted?) and it was a little off-putting when he ended up just being a plot point to talk about he would, one day, out-age Twilight. Which reminds me, if he is actually her son, why isn't he an Alicorn?

Okay, again, maybe I'm thinking too much into it. But those were the points that tripped me up. Other than those little things which felt out of place, I actually really liked the story. Rainbow 'hanging it up', accepting that she's gone beyond the call of duty, and moving on to the next chapter of her life left me with good feelings. And, despite the fact that I said it could have been set up better, I'm a sucker for romance, real or implied, so that certainly helped. Good work!
#15850 · 2
· on You Didn't Look Back, Not Once · >>TheRiverSings
Hi! I just wanted to say that I loved this piece. It really evokes the feelings I was shooting for when I wrote the story, and it looks great!

I would love to use this art for when I post the story to FIMFiction, but not without your permission and somewhere to link to you for credit. If you're okay with that, let me know, and if not, no hard feelings.
#15326 · 1
· on Spelling Trouble
Okay, so before I review anything, I need to get this off my chest.

That is absolutely not now the transitive property works. Which I get was the point but... Okay, never mind.

I'm not sure how to feel about this fic. Midnight Sparkle as a (mostly) independent entity who lives in mirrors is certainly an interesting concept, and one that I wish we'd heard a little more about. Fluttershy just sort of accepts this immediately, which I found a little odd, especially since even now, after having read the fic, I still have questions.

Speaking of questions, I have a couple about Fluttershy. Does her utter inability to write not impact her music and lyrics? Furthermore, does this version of Fluttershy have frequent homicidal thoughts? Because damn, Flutters, talk to somebody. Maybe not the somebody you're talking to in this fic, though.

Jokes aside—wait, no, the opposite of that—there were certainly points in this story that made me laugh. As mentioned, the 'transitive property' gag was amusing, as well as Fluttershy immediately dropping into thoughts of slitting people's throats. It certainly didn't feel like the Fluttershy from the movies and specials, but as far as I can tell that's the point. For the same reason I found the swearing jarring, but if that's the point, I suppose I'm missing it.

I suppose that's what this story came down to: I feel like I missed the point. The banter just didn't really hit for me, and the rest of the story just couldn't quite stand up on its own. But I think I may just not be the target audience for this story, and so I'm interested to hear what other commenters say about it. To be clear, I don't think it's necessarily bad, just not for me.

And finally, I have a question for much later, when the Anonymity is cleared: was the relation to the prompt just the part about Midnight being nice being the end of the world, or did I miss something else, too?
#15338 · 1
· on Solacing Dreams · >>Baal Bunny >>Rao >>Zaid Val'Roa
When discussing the end of all things, death is definitely one of the first things that comes to mind.

Let my start by saying that this story is well written. The pacing is good, the dialog is good, and the end made me smile. It isn't the first fic I've read about Luna providing solace to the dying, but that isn't a bad thing. It's certainly believable that, on one's final journey into the eternal night, Princess Luna would be there to guide them.

Which is where I find my criticism. Why does Luna feel the need to conceal her identity? Would it not have made more sense for her to go to the dreams of the dying in her regular dream-walking? Furthermore, why is Tender Care so happy to see the mare who seems to show up and kill ponies?

Okay so that last one was silly, and that was deliberate. But realistically, how do any of the doctors know what she's doing for these ponies? It just seems like something that would make more sense of Luna did it in person, instead of under an assumed name. I just don't understand the choice to use Solacing Dreams instead of Princess Luna.

Anyway, that gripe aside, I did enjoy the story. It was certainly worth the read, and it made me think, so I'd call this one a definite success. Good job!
#15343 · 1
· on Twilight Under the Bodhi Tree
I'm not sure what to think about this one.

I am a big fan of stories that play with a nonlinear narrative. That being said, there are times in this story (specifically around the scene breaks) where it becomes difficult to understand who is speaking, and when the event is happening. I'm sure some of this is on purpose, to disorient the reader, but at times it takes away from the telling of the story.

I'm also uncertain what happened to Twilight. At any point. There was some sort of bad thing which seriously messed her up, then after dealing with what seemed like brain damage she died?

I also don't understand Glitter's arc. I don't know why she had an epiphany in the end or what it was about, and I don't understand her reaction to seeing Twilight lucid. I also don't understand the meaning behind the book, or of Celestia showing up in the end.

I guess there's just a lot I didn't understand about this story. I thought it might be more about Glitter coming to terms with what has happened to Twilight, but that didn't really happen. Twilight's depiction also felt off to me: I remember when my grandmother began to forget people and things (and, eventually, herself) and this just didn't feel like that to me.

Also, I was thrown for a loop when Twilight gave the speech from Secondhand Lions (or close enough, anyway).

I'm sorry that this story just didn't really work for me. Maybe I'm missing something, not the story, but in the end, it is how it is. I hope these criticisms didn't come out to harsh, I just wanted to give my honest feelings towards the piece.
#15811 · 1
· on Another Pony’s Poison · >>Bachiavellian
>>Bachiavellian

The narrator mentions sneaking into Twilight's castle and laments not going through the mirror. It seems implied they read the journal to learn what they needed for the story.
#15315 ·
· on The First Princess · >>moonwhisper
Interesting. I wouldn't have thought to use the changing of generations as the "End of all Things" but it definitely fits the prompt. Very high-concept.

If I had any criticisms they would involve the pacing. The story seems to jump all over the place (at times literally) which, in my opinion, hurts the tone of the story. They go from combating the end to seemingly accepting it very quickly, which felt rather jarring, and characters like Tirek and Wild Fire showed up and didn't really do anything.

That being said, these faults are hardly egregious, and could be easily remedied given more time with the story—after all, 'I wish it was longer' is never a bad complaint to have.

From a technical standpoint the story was quite well written: no spelling errors that I noticed (though, admittedly, I'm not the best at spotting them), and, as mentioned above, I really liked the concept. Despite the fact that I criticized their not doing anything, it was a good idea to bring back important figures from past generations (Tirek) and speculate on ones for the next one (Wild Fire), I just wish it was better expanded on.

I think I've gone into rambling mode, so I'll wrap it up. It was a nice story, and I hope that you don't take anything I've written here too harshly (because I promise it is not my intention to be harsh).
#15330 ·
· on Another Pony’s Poison · >>Pascoite
Okay, so let me start by saying that I had to read this twice. Well, let's say twice as a bit, because it wasn't until I reread the ending that I actually interpreted what it was saying. Then I read the whole thing again.

If I'm being vague, it's intentional. I don't want someone browsing over the comments to read this before reading the story and ruin it for themselves by mistake. So, theoretical comment reader, stop reading my words, scroll up, and read this story. Then read it again. It's worth it.

And to the author: fantastic work. I mean it. The story read exactly how (I believe) it was supposed to. Stories like this are difficult to pull off—I wouldn't even begin to believe I could manage such a feat—but you nailed it. This was more than a pleasure to read, it was a delight.
#15332 ·
· on Entropy · >>zaponator
You know, thus far, this is the first story I've read in the "Here at the End of all Things" that was actually set at the end of all things.

And I liked it! If I had one complaint, it's that I'm not entirely sure why Starlight was looking back into time magic. It took me a bit to come to grips with the tone, but in the end it was a solid story with a sweet ending and a little comedy tossed in to make the end of the world a little less grim.

A note on that, I'm glad to see that the story didn't make any bold claims about nothing mattering in the face of eternity or any of that sort of nihilistic thinking that can bog down works like this. Time travel can be tricky, but in this case I think you made it work. Thanks for sharing it with us.