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Looking for Trouble
Now I can understand y’all might be upset about some busybody pokin’ their nose where it don’t belong, ma’am. But I’d be powerful obliged if you’d just put my gun down and let me tell my side of the story before you pass judgment over what I’ve done.
Name’s Troubleshoes Clyde. Yep, hand to Harmony, that’s m’name. Never liked it much, but I reckon it does suit me. I ain’t never been the luckiest fellow around the North Amareican desert. Suppose that’s plenty clear by now, what with these ropes and everything.
No, ever since the whole big magic blast thing came outta Canterlot High, I’ve been just fortunate enough to keep my hide in one piece and find enough work to keep my belly full. Turns out there's no shortage of need for ugly-lookin’ dudes willin’ to throw their muscle around, or ones at least that look like they could. I don't actually care much for hurtin’ folks unless there's a good reason. I’m also what y’all might call a bit klutzy, and between those two things I don't tend to last too long on anybody’s payroll.
But I didn’t come here workin’ on a goon squad. No, you heard about that territory a bit north o’here with folk callin’ themselves an Empire? Found myself up there after gettin’ run out of my last job. And before you ask, I don’t know much about the Empire itself; I learned a long time ago that it’s best not to ask too many questions.
I mean, in general. What we got here obviously ain’t a case of me followin’ my own advice.
But all I know for sure is that the Empire pays good and don’t do too wrong by their people. And after some of what I’ve seen out there, that got me thinkin’ I might wanna lend a hand with keepin’ up the place. So when the sheriff's office posted up that they was lookin’ for some deputies to help find a missing person, sure enough I signed up. And I tried hard not to mess it up. Y’all don’t know how hard I tried. I mean, sure, they made me take that gun, but I figured I’d be just as likely to end up shootin’ myself as anything else if I ever tried to use it.
Just my luck, probably gonna end up gettin’ shot with it anyway.
I s’pose the main thing you’ll want to know about is her, though.
The first time I saw her was just after I got into town. She was slight but toned, and was wearin’ a golden straw hat just about the color of her hair, and a grey mottled dress not too far off her skin tone. Buncha kids were milling around her by the tin shack y’all use as a schoolhouse, and I remember thinkin’ that with her smiles and gentle words for ‘em she looked just about the prettiest creature I laid eyes on since the world went belly-up. And speakin’ of which, I can’t forget those eyes. I know y’all know what I mean: golden, warm, and Harmony bless ‘em if they could keep pointed in any one direction for half a minute at a time.
Now I don’t want to be ungentlemanly ‘bout how I talk about her, but you gotta understand, I ain’t the type to just go chasin’ after any woman what walks by. I’ve long since figured I was gonna run off any woman I got near, what with how much of a mess I tend to make of things. But from the moment I laid eyes on her, I could tell that she was different. And it wasn’t just because I hadn’t been starin’ more’n a moment before she tripped over a kid who’d bent down to tie their shoes and ended up spillin’ a whole big stack of books outta her arms, though I reckon that might’ve been the thing that got me to work up the courage to go talk to her.
“Need a hand, ma’am?” I asked her, and I offered mine.
The look she gave me was guarded at first, with her mouth in a cute lil’ “o” and her eyes all wide and pointed every which-way but straight at me. The kids all went silent, too; prolly didn’t think twice about havin’ some stranger pass through town until I was right there talkin’ to her. And she was sweatin’ too, though it was muggy out, likely ‘cuz of all that water y’all managed to pump out of the old school site.
But then she smiled, and let me tell you, even if y’all end up shootin’ me, comin’ here would almost still be worth it for that smile. It was small but welcoming, and it showed off her right pretty dimples. And then she stretched her hand up and put it in mine, and the warmth of that lil’ hand wasn’t good for anythin’ but makin’ me even hotter under the collar than the day had already done. I met her eyes--more or less--and my heart started thumpin’, and I wanted that moment to last forever.
Then of course I lost my balance tryin’ to pull her up and ended up falling flat on my face right next to her, which got a good laugh out of the school kids. But then I felt those hands on my sides, and she rolled me over and was a whole lot closer to my face than felt appropriate.
“You okay, mister?” she asked.
And looking up at her, I didn’t know how to answer, so I just said, “Yep.”
She said a few things after that, but for the life of me I can’t remember ‘em. I just remember watchin’ like it was a movie as the kids helped her up, and helped her with her books, and they all ushered themselves off down the way, leavin’ me down on my butt on the cracked road.
Figured it was high time for a drink at that point.
“Best steer clear of the schoolteacher if you know what’s good for you,” was the first words I heard walkin’ into the bar a couple streets over. “Berryshine’s Booze,” the sign above the door said.
I looked across the otherwise empty barroom, blinked out the sun in my eyes, and caught sight of a woman sitting on a stool cleaning a glass. She had pink-purple skin, darker-pink hair, and just about the craggiest face I’ve ever seen on somebody so young. I mean, I reckon she’s only just my age or yours, but she looked as though she’s seen some things. More’n most, is what I mean.
“I’m just here to have a drink,” I said, tryin’ not to give anything away in my tone.
“You don’t know what you’re dealing with, stranger,” she said. And I mean, in retrospect, there obviously was somethin’ to her words. But at the time I didn’t stop her, and she just looked at me like I was an idiot and shook her head. “Yeah,” she said, “I heard about your little stunt back there. Word gets around fast, especially where she’s concerned.”
I furrowed my brow. “Now I’ll beg your pardon, ma’am,” I said, “I’m just here lookin’ for a man who might’ve passed through some time ago. Seems like Canterlot here gets a fair few visitors; do you suppose…”
And she just cuts me off, sayin’: “No way, stranger. This here’s Sunset’s town. You want booze, I got booze. You want information, you try Sunset. But just a little friendly advice: she doesn’t hold with thugs coming into town and either making trouble or trying to stir up the past. And that goes double for the schoolteacher.”
So we’ve established that I ain’t the sharpest tool in the box, but then I did something real boneheaded. I blurted right out: “Do you know what went on with the magic blast?”
Which, of course, was stupid to ask. Would’ve been stupid anywhere close to Canterlot, but in the place itself? Faster than I realize, the barkeep’s right up in my face, and slaps me hard as a sock full o’bits, and she points a big ol’ finger up in my eye. “None of us want to remember,” she says. And we locked eyes, and I could see up close that what I thought were wrinkles or what have you were actually scars. It’s a miracle that both her eyes seemed good considering how badly the rest of her face had fared with whatever left it that way.
I cleared my throat and said, “Maybe I’ll pass on that drink after all, ma’am.” Then I tipped my hat and made myself scarce.
I should’ve skipped town right then and there. I mean, the unfriendly barkeep was just one sign, but I was gonna get paid about the same whether I stayed in Canterlot or kept lookin’ elsewhere, and there’s certainly friendlier places. Friendlier enough to sell a man a drink, at least. And all the sheriff said he really cared about was if I found sign of that fella I came lookin’ for, either living or dead.
Which…well, I mean, I’m gettin’ ahead of myself.
So I was standin’ there in the road thinkin’ about what I wanted to do, when I spotted her again, walkin’ between what was left of some brick buildings down the next street over. Only that time she was just with one real little kid, not the whole bunch of ‘em. And I knew--I just knew from lookin’ at the way they walked together, arm-in-arm--that she had to be her daughter. I mean, I know a kid can end up lookin’ just about like anything, no matter what either parent looks like, but they had about the same hair color, and eye color, and a pretty similar bone structure, even if the daughter had a little more purple in the grey of her skin. And they both had that same warm smile that lit up their whole face.
Then they passed behind a rusted-out shed and I lost ‘em.
I chased around corner and ended up following ‘em from a distance as they made their way through the swirling, smoky, loud and bustling tents on your market street. She and her daughter were doin’ their shopping for dinner by the looks of it, pickin’ vegetables and meats and even a lil’ cheese into a couple sacks they’d brought with ‘em. And I’ll say this for Canterlot, y’all got a big variety of hawkers down your main drag, with some fancy fruits and such that I can’t remember seein’ since before the big one went off.
And don’t get me wrong, I know the way that makes me sound, skulkin’ around and followin’ a nice woman like her from a distance. But try to understand that as a sheriff's deputy I gotta follow the hunches what come to me. And even if I didn’t find her pretty, the fact was that I hadn’t even been in town a day and I’d already had someone tellin’ me not to do somethin’. If that ain’t some kinda lead, I don’t know what is.
The sun was gettin’ low and the shadows had come thick before they finished up in the market and started heading down a side street toward what I figured must be their house. The crowd was gettin’ thinner too, and I started worryin’ that it would be more obvious that I was following ‘em. I moved from building to building, keepin’ out of sight as best I could, and somehow managin’ to not trip over my own two feet in the process.
Of course my luck wouldn’t hold forever, though. At one point I ducked into one particularly dark alley with half of an adjoining building’s roof collapsed overtop it, and judging by the lil’ hairs that stood up on the back of my neck, I had a sense that I wasn’t alone.
“Who’s there?” I called out.
I spotted movement at the back of the alley. It was powerful dark back there, though, so I didn’t expect a woman to call back to me: “This is the only warning you’ll get, stranger: leave her alone. Consider leaving town too, if you know what’s good for you.”
Now no one ever accused me of knowing that, so I called back: “With all due respect, ma’am, I reckon I’ll be keepin’ to my business, and I’ll ask you keep to yours. Unless o’course you know somethin’ about a man who might’ve come down from the Empire a bit ago…”
She tensed. It was subtle, but I could see her stance shift forward. “I gave you your warning,” she said. “The schoolteacher’s been through enough. We all have.”
I squinted, trying to make out any details about her. She was a little on the tall side, and she had some decent volume to her long hair, but that was all I could make out. “Now I reckon I ain’t exactly been gettin’ a warm reception to your lovely little town here,” I said. “That’s fair enough. But I ain’t here to make trouble; I just wanna find my man. If you can help me, great; if not, I’m liable to be on my way sooner than later, once I finish looking.”
The woman shook her head. “Don’t give me any reasons to get rid of you sooner,” she said. Then she turned away, retreated back into the shadows, and I lost her.
“Well that wasn’t the least bit suspicious,” I said to myself.
I definitely shouldn’t have thrown a stone up at the schoolteacher’s window once night fell and she got down to just one candle flickering upstairs. I mean, watchin’ from the darkness of some burned-out buildings near her pretty intact two-story brick number, I couldn’t tell for sure that she’d finished putting her daughter to bed. With my luck, I coulda just as easily roused her while her daughter had come in for a bedtime story.
But of course, given my luck, what really happened was I put that stone right through her window. The sounds of shattering glass got half the dogs in the that part of town to start barking. Then she slid the window up and stood gazing out with a pinched look on her face.
I figured I was done for, so I cleared my throat and stepped out into view. “I’m right sorry ‘bout the window, ma’am,” I said. “I got more’n enough bits on me to make that right for you.”
She squinted hard and leaned out further from the window, then gave me a little smile and leaned back as her eyes pointed somewhere in my direction. “Oh, it’s you,” she said. “Mister…?”
“Clyde,” I said, and my heart started pounding again. “Troubleshoes Clyde.” I’ll confess I gave an extra flourish with my hat, too.
Her smile didn’t change much, but her shoulders relaxed. “Well, what can I do for you tonight, Troubleshoes Clyde?”
I glanced around me, feeling a crawling itch down my spine from blowing my cover like I had. “Truth be told, ma’am… if it ain’t too forward, would you mind if we discussed it away from prying eyes?”
“Sure!” she said, a good bit more brightly than I’d expected. I mean, nothing against her judgment, but I’d never really figured that a pretty woman like her would give me the time o’day, much less letting me--a total stranger--into her house. I guess maybe in some ways I’d wanted to ask her just so she could shoot me down. Y’know, so I could be sure my luck was going back to normal.
Some luck, though, ending up the way it’s done.
We sat at her dining room table. It was wood, and circle-shaped, and she’d set a single candle in a saucer in the middle of it. Darn thing guttered pretty badly in the drafts that blew through her old house. The light looked real pretty on her hair and eyes, though. And on that smile.
“So, what brings you by the old place?” she asked.
I bit my lip and watched the light play across her golden eyes a bit longer than I probably should’ve. After a while she gave a musical little laugh, and all at once I felt like I could wait forever to say anything if only she’d continue.
“Cat got your tongue?” she asked, winking.
“Powerful sorry, ma’am,” I said, shaking myself. “Seems like all the words I wanted to say just turned into a ten car pileup in my head.”
She giggled. “I don’t think we’ve had ten working cars in Canterlot since… you-know-what happened.” Her smile faltered. “Sorry. You-know-what was just supposed to be a fun time for us. We called it ‘The Friendship Games.’ We’d seen a little bit of magic earlier that school year, but we never knew that someone what planning to…” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. It was… horrible. If it wasn’t for Sunset, I can’t imagine how much worse it might’ve been.”
I nodded, then scratched my chin. “Well, ain’t no need to talk about it if you don’t want to, ma’am,” I said. “How ‘bout somethin’ simpler, like how you got to be a schoolteacher?”
Her mouth drew tighter. “That’s… not a happy story either. Miss Berryshine’s sister, Miss Cheerilee, still used to teach until… well, I… I guess I’d rather not talk about that, either.”
I nodded some more. I felt like I was losin’ her, and more than anything I didn’t want to. So I went for broke: “Well, to give you the whole story, I’m just comin’ through town lookin’ for a man who I was told might’ve been through here some time back. I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot to go on other than a basic description.” I paused, ‘cuz I wanted to give her a chance to speak if she wanted; but she didn’t, so I kept going. “Fella had a strong build, white skin, blond hair, square jaw, and a compass rose tattoo right on…”
And as Harmony is my witness, she started shakin’ right then and there. I stopped talkin’ in a hurry, then leaned close to her and put a hand on her arm and asked if she was all right. “No,” she said, pulling her arm away. “I don’t think I know what happened to… that man. I’m sorry.” And she said it with a little pause in there and everything.
That little pause spoke volumes for me.
“Now look,” I said, “the truth is that I been told not to talk to you. I don’t rightly know why, but given that there might be a missin’ person involved, I gotta take everythin’ suspicious into account. And folks tellin’ me I absolutely ought not talk to you after findin’ out what I’m up to is is powerful suspicious, when you couple it with how you seem to feel about his description…”
She stood up, making her chair squeak against the wood floor. Then she turned away from me. “I’ll thank you to go now, Mr. Clyde,” she said.
And truthfully, under the circumstances, what else could I do? I tipped my hat, left her a few bits for the window, and made my way outside. I was pretty flustered, though. I felt as though I’d done wrong by a good woman, and done my usual job of ruinin’ my prospects with a pretty woman. And worst of all, the trail that I’d thought I was followin’ seemed to have gone cold.
Wasn't until I was ten-fifteen minutes deep into aimless wanderin’ and feelin’ sorry for myself that I remembered I’d heard the name Berryshine before.
It struck me as odd that I’d find a place by the name o’ “Berryshine’s Booze” closed durin’ what I figure had to be its peak nighttime hours. In the time I spent casing its outside, I saw no shortage of workin’ men try the door and come away cursin’ about her bein’ closed. Figured it was best to keep to myself and just watch, though; didn’t seem like I was bound to find much welcome in Canterlot one way or another. And she didn’t leave a note or anything on the door, so there wasn’t much for me to go on there, either.
Except another hunch that started brewin’.
See, while I was snoopin’ around the place, I got to thinkin’ that there was some commonality between the way the schoolteacher and Miss Berryshine had acted when I mentioned I was lookin’ for someone, or when I described him. And then there was the fact that the schoolteacher made it sound like Berryshine’s sister ended up in a bad way, and how Berryshine was all scarred-up, and that the pretty woman ended up gettin’ her sister’s job… that all gave me another link between them.
Though another link was Sunset herself. Maybe Canterlot’s protector, or maybe the person in charge of it… truth be told, I was still pretty fuzzy on the details. Either way, though, it seemed like she was the one person I hadn’t paid a visit. And with her bein’ such a bigwig, I figured it shouldn’t be too hard to track her down, even if it meant I’d have to try talkin’ to some folk.
I should’ve figured I’d end up at the site o’Canterlot High sooner or later. With all due respect though, there’s less to look at than I’d expected for the place where whatever happened happened. Got a real big crater on one end of a sandy hill, and lotsa broken-down ruins on the other end. ‘Course, I will say someone’s put some effort into buildin’ that nice ranch house next to the ruins. Simple but tasteful, if you don’t mind my sayin’.
’Course, one other nice thing about ranch houses is that there’s only the single floor, so it’s not too hard even for a klutz like me to get right up next to a window from the outside and just listen. The insulation must’ve been pretty good, all things considered, ‘cause I still couldn’t hear too much. I certainly didn’t dare take a peek through that window. But I could tell that one of the voices from inside was Berryshine’s, and I heard the word “cave” come up more’n a couple times while they talked.
I strained hard listenin’ for details. I heard a couple that sounded like landmarks. I didn’t want to push my luck, though, so I hightailed it outta there once it sounded like the conversation was windin’ down.
Sleep was soundin’ pretty good by that point. And even if I didn’t have a decent place to lay my head, the ruins promised a whole cornucopia of options for a man willin’ to keep his expectations low.
I was plenty stiff the next morning, what with my humble accommodations. But I set out for the market once it got good and light. Figured I could grab some breakfast while I figured how to follow-up the lead I’d got the night before.
Didn’t figure I’d run into her.
“Hello again, Mr. Clyde,” the schoolteacher said. And while I’m thinkin’ about it, I really should’ve thought to ask her name. Should’ve done before that moment when my main impression of her was how strong and pretty she looked. Certainly should’ve done it in that moment when her mouth was pulled into a tight lil’ frown and her eyes looked misty.
“Somethin’ wrong, ma’am?” I asked. Then I cocked my head, and said, “I reckon that you must be missin’ school by now, aren’t you?”
“I am,” she said, nodding. “But I asked my substitute to cover for me. I… I wanted to come find you, if I could. To apologize for how I clammed-up last night.”
I raised my eyebrows. Couldn’t help it. “Oh, that’s all right,” I said. “I understand some things ain’t easy to talk about.”
Then she got real quiet and looked around before leaning close. “I’ve… seen that man, but not at all recently. This was years ago. But yes, I… know who you’re talking about. The tattoo confirms it.”
“Well hot diggity,” I said under my breath. “Look, I got a lead on a place where he might’ve been. Don’t ask how. The thing I need is help piecing together what I know and figurin’ out where it is.”
And she just looked up into my eyes, and hers got all big and teary, and she asked one question: “What are you going to do if you find him?”
I swallowed hard. Truth be told, I wasn’t sent out with a warrant or nothin’; it was just a missing person job. But I figured that I knew what the job really was, so I went for broke again: “I’m gonna bring him in for what he’s done, ma’am.”
And she nodded, and smiled, and we left the market in a hurry.
We were mostways to the cave when I looked at her and told her how awfully lucky I felt that she’d come lookin’ for me, and how she’d been able to find a substitute on such short notice.
That’s when she told me her substitute was Miss Berryshine, and that they’d talked about things briefly that morning.
And even though I felt my blood run cold for hearing it… what was I supposed to do? I mean, other than running, of course.
I reckon y’all probably know what happened from there better than I do, ma’am. I mean, we got down into the cave down there easy enough, and found… what’s left of him. Right useful marking the spot with his compass rose, it was.
Then o’course it must’ve been you or someone with you who jumped us on the way out, and I… I heard her scream, just before I got clocked pretty good.
Look, by now you oughtta know what kinda man I am, and what I came here to do. I don’t know what he did exactly, though I can guess from how she talked about him, and from the way that everybody else just wanted me to leave her alone. And I want you to know that I wanna see justice done, whether that’s bringin’ his remains back home to the Empire, or tryin’ to make things right for her, or… well, figurin’ out who put that man in that cave, and why.
I ain’t lucky enough to be able to leave that alone, ma’am.
I suppose there’s one exception, though. I… I think you have her. And I certainly don’t want what I’ve done here to bring her any more harm than she’s already been through. She’s beautiful, and way too trusting. I get that now. Please, whatever you do to me, just promise me you’ll let her go.
I mean, the way folks talk about her around here, you’d figure Sunset herself would take notice if she’d gone missing, and then she’d…
Oh.
So you’re, uh…
Huh. You’d figure that I would’ve guessed that by now, if I was any good at bein’ a deputy.
Well ain’t that just my luck.
Name’s Troubleshoes Clyde. Yep, hand to Harmony, that’s m’name. Never liked it much, but I reckon it does suit me. I ain’t never been the luckiest fellow around the North Amareican desert. Suppose that’s plenty clear by now, what with these ropes and everything.
No, ever since the whole big magic blast thing came outta Canterlot High, I’ve been just fortunate enough to keep my hide in one piece and find enough work to keep my belly full. Turns out there's no shortage of need for ugly-lookin’ dudes willin’ to throw their muscle around, or ones at least that look like they could. I don't actually care much for hurtin’ folks unless there's a good reason. I’m also what y’all might call a bit klutzy, and between those two things I don't tend to last too long on anybody’s payroll.
But I didn’t come here workin’ on a goon squad. No, you heard about that territory a bit north o’here with folk callin’ themselves an Empire? Found myself up there after gettin’ run out of my last job. And before you ask, I don’t know much about the Empire itself; I learned a long time ago that it’s best not to ask too many questions.
I mean, in general. What we got here obviously ain’t a case of me followin’ my own advice.
But all I know for sure is that the Empire pays good and don’t do too wrong by their people. And after some of what I’ve seen out there, that got me thinkin’ I might wanna lend a hand with keepin’ up the place. So when the sheriff's office posted up that they was lookin’ for some deputies to help find a missing person, sure enough I signed up. And I tried hard not to mess it up. Y’all don’t know how hard I tried. I mean, sure, they made me take that gun, but I figured I’d be just as likely to end up shootin’ myself as anything else if I ever tried to use it.
Just my luck, probably gonna end up gettin’ shot with it anyway.
I s’pose the main thing you’ll want to know about is her, though.
The first time I saw her was just after I got into town. She was slight but toned, and was wearin’ a golden straw hat just about the color of her hair, and a grey mottled dress not too far off her skin tone. Buncha kids were milling around her by the tin shack y’all use as a schoolhouse, and I remember thinkin’ that with her smiles and gentle words for ‘em she looked just about the prettiest creature I laid eyes on since the world went belly-up. And speakin’ of which, I can’t forget those eyes. I know y’all know what I mean: golden, warm, and Harmony bless ‘em if they could keep pointed in any one direction for half a minute at a time.
Now I don’t want to be ungentlemanly ‘bout how I talk about her, but you gotta understand, I ain’t the type to just go chasin’ after any woman what walks by. I’ve long since figured I was gonna run off any woman I got near, what with how much of a mess I tend to make of things. But from the moment I laid eyes on her, I could tell that she was different. And it wasn’t just because I hadn’t been starin’ more’n a moment before she tripped over a kid who’d bent down to tie their shoes and ended up spillin’ a whole big stack of books outta her arms, though I reckon that might’ve been the thing that got me to work up the courage to go talk to her.
“Need a hand, ma’am?” I asked her, and I offered mine.
The look she gave me was guarded at first, with her mouth in a cute lil’ “o” and her eyes all wide and pointed every which-way but straight at me. The kids all went silent, too; prolly didn’t think twice about havin’ some stranger pass through town until I was right there talkin’ to her. And she was sweatin’ too, though it was muggy out, likely ‘cuz of all that water y’all managed to pump out of the old school site.
But then she smiled, and let me tell you, even if y’all end up shootin’ me, comin’ here would almost still be worth it for that smile. It was small but welcoming, and it showed off her right pretty dimples. And then she stretched her hand up and put it in mine, and the warmth of that lil’ hand wasn’t good for anythin’ but makin’ me even hotter under the collar than the day had already done. I met her eyes--more or less--and my heart started thumpin’, and I wanted that moment to last forever.
Then of course I lost my balance tryin’ to pull her up and ended up falling flat on my face right next to her, which got a good laugh out of the school kids. But then I felt those hands on my sides, and she rolled me over and was a whole lot closer to my face than felt appropriate.
“You okay, mister?” she asked.
And looking up at her, I didn’t know how to answer, so I just said, “Yep.”
She said a few things after that, but for the life of me I can’t remember ‘em. I just remember watchin’ like it was a movie as the kids helped her up, and helped her with her books, and they all ushered themselves off down the way, leavin’ me down on my butt on the cracked road.
Figured it was high time for a drink at that point.
“Best steer clear of the schoolteacher if you know what’s good for you,” was the first words I heard walkin’ into the bar a couple streets over. “Berryshine’s Booze,” the sign above the door said.
I looked across the otherwise empty barroom, blinked out the sun in my eyes, and caught sight of a woman sitting on a stool cleaning a glass. She had pink-purple skin, darker-pink hair, and just about the craggiest face I’ve ever seen on somebody so young. I mean, I reckon she’s only just my age or yours, but she looked as though she’s seen some things. More’n most, is what I mean.
“I’m just here to have a drink,” I said, tryin’ not to give anything away in my tone.
“You don’t know what you’re dealing with, stranger,” she said. And I mean, in retrospect, there obviously was somethin’ to her words. But at the time I didn’t stop her, and she just looked at me like I was an idiot and shook her head. “Yeah,” she said, “I heard about your little stunt back there. Word gets around fast, especially where she’s concerned.”
I furrowed my brow. “Now I’ll beg your pardon, ma’am,” I said, “I’m just here lookin’ for a man who might’ve passed through some time ago. Seems like Canterlot here gets a fair few visitors; do you suppose…”
And she just cuts me off, sayin’: “No way, stranger. This here’s Sunset’s town. You want booze, I got booze. You want information, you try Sunset. But just a little friendly advice: she doesn’t hold with thugs coming into town and either making trouble or trying to stir up the past. And that goes double for the schoolteacher.”
So we’ve established that I ain’t the sharpest tool in the box, but then I did something real boneheaded. I blurted right out: “Do you know what went on with the magic blast?”
Which, of course, was stupid to ask. Would’ve been stupid anywhere close to Canterlot, but in the place itself? Faster than I realize, the barkeep’s right up in my face, and slaps me hard as a sock full o’bits, and she points a big ol’ finger up in my eye. “None of us want to remember,” she says. And we locked eyes, and I could see up close that what I thought were wrinkles or what have you were actually scars. It’s a miracle that both her eyes seemed good considering how badly the rest of her face had fared with whatever left it that way.
I cleared my throat and said, “Maybe I’ll pass on that drink after all, ma’am.” Then I tipped my hat and made myself scarce.
I should’ve skipped town right then and there. I mean, the unfriendly barkeep was just one sign, but I was gonna get paid about the same whether I stayed in Canterlot or kept lookin’ elsewhere, and there’s certainly friendlier places. Friendlier enough to sell a man a drink, at least. And all the sheriff said he really cared about was if I found sign of that fella I came lookin’ for, either living or dead.
Which…well, I mean, I’m gettin’ ahead of myself.
So I was standin’ there in the road thinkin’ about what I wanted to do, when I spotted her again, walkin’ between what was left of some brick buildings down the next street over. Only that time she was just with one real little kid, not the whole bunch of ‘em. And I knew--I just knew from lookin’ at the way they walked together, arm-in-arm--that she had to be her daughter. I mean, I know a kid can end up lookin’ just about like anything, no matter what either parent looks like, but they had about the same hair color, and eye color, and a pretty similar bone structure, even if the daughter had a little more purple in the grey of her skin. And they both had that same warm smile that lit up their whole face.
Then they passed behind a rusted-out shed and I lost ‘em.
I chased around corner and ended up following ‘em from a distance as they made their way through the swirling, smoky, loud and bustling tents on your market street. She and her daughter were doin’ their shopping for dinner by the looks of it, pickin’ vegetables and meats and even a lil’ cheese into a couple sacks they’d brought with ‘em. And I’ll say this for Canterlot, y’all got a big variety of hawkers down your main drag, with some fancy fruits and such that I can’t remember seein’ since before the big one went off.
And don’t get me wrong, I know the way that makes me sound, skulkin’ around and followin’ a nice woman like her from a distance. But try to understand that as a sheriff's deputy I gotta follow the hunches what come to me. And even if I didn’t find her pretty, the fact was that I hadn’t even been in town a day and I’d already had someone tellin’ me not to do somethin’. If that ain’t some kinda lead, I don’t know what is.
The sun was gettin’ low and the shadows had come thick before they finished up in the market and started heading down a side street toward what I figured must be their house. The crowd was gettin’ thinner too, and I started worryin’ that it would be more obvious that I was following ‘em. I moved from building to building, keepin’ out of sight as best I could, and somehow managin’ to not trip over my own two feet in the process.
Of course my luck wouldn’t hold forever, though. At one point I ducked into one particularly dark alley with half of an adjoining building’s roof collapsed overtop it, and judging by the lil’ hairs that stood up on the back of my neck, I had a sense that I wasn’t alone.
“Who’s there?” I called out.
I spotted movement at the back of the alley. It was powerful dark back there, though, so I didn’t expect a woman to call back to me: “This is the only warning you’ll get, stranger: leave her alone. Consider leaving town too, if you know what’s good for you.”
Now no one ever accused me of knowing that, so I called back: “With all due respect, ma’am, I reckon I’ll be keepin’ to my business, and I’ll ask you keep to yours. Unless o’course you know somethin’ about a man who might’ve come down from the Empire a bit ago…”
She tensed. It was subtle, but I could see her stance shift forward. “I gave you your warning,” she said. “The schoolteacher’s been through enough. We all have.”
I squinted, trying to make out any details about her. She was a little on the tall side, and she had some decent volume to her long hair, but that was all I could make out. “Now I reckon I ain’t exactly been gettin’ a warm reception to your lovely little town here,” I said. “That’s fair enough. But I ain’t here to make trouble; I just wanna find my man. If you can help me, great; if not, I’m liable to be on my way sooner than later, once I finish looking.”
The woman shook her head. “Don’t give me any reasons to get rid of you sooner,” she said. Then she turned away, retreated back into the shadows, and I lost her.
“Well that wasn’t the least bit suspicious,” I said to myself.
I definitely shouldn’t have thrown a stone up at the schoolteacher’s window once night fell and she got down to just one candle flickering upstairs. I mean, watchin’ from the darkness of some burned-out buildings near her pretty intact two-story brick number, I couldn’t tell for sure that she’d finished putting her daughter to bed. With my luck, I coulda just as easily roused her while her daughter had come in for a bedtime story.
But of course, given my luck, what really happened was I put that stone right through her window. The sounds of shattering glass got half the dogs in the that part of town to start barking. Then she slid the window up and stood gazing out with a pinched look on her face.
I figured I was done for, so I cleared my throat and stepped out into view. “I’m right sorry ‘bout the window, ma’am,” I said. “I got more’n enough bits on me to make that right for you.”
She squinted hard and leaned out further from the window, then gave me a little smile and leaned back as her eyes pointed somewhere in my direction. “Oh, it’s you,” she said. “Mister…?”
“Clyde,” I said, and my heart started pounding again. “Troubleshoes Clyde.” I’ll confess I gave an extra flourish with my hat, too.
Her smile didn’t change much, but her shoulders relaxed. “Well, what can I do for you tonight, Troubleshoes Clyde?”
I glanced around me, feeling a crawling itch down my spine from blowing my cover like I had. “Truth be told, ma’am… if it ain’t too forward, would you mind if we discussed it away from prying eyes?”
“Sure!” she said, a good bit more brightly than I’d expected. I mean, nothing against her judgment, but I’d never really figured that a pretty woman like her would give me the time o’day, much less letting me--a total stranger--into her house. I guess maybe in some ways I’d wanted to ask her just so she could shoot me down. Y’know, so I could be sure my luck was going back to normal.
Some luck, though, ending up the way it’s done.
We sat at her dining room table. It was wood, and circle-shaped, and she’d set a single candle in a saucer in the middle of it. Darn thing guttered pretty badly in the drafts that blew through her old house. The light looked real pretty on her hair and eyes, though. And on that smile.
“So, what brings you by the old place?” she asked.
I bit my lip and watched the light play across her golden eyes a bit longer than I probably should’ve. After a while she gave a musical little laugh, and all at once I felt like I could wait forever to say anything if only she’d continue.
“Cat got your tongue?” she asked, winking.
“Powerful sorry, ma’am,” I said, shaking myself. “Seems like all the words I wanted to say just turned into a ten car pileup in my head.”
She giggled. “I don’t think we’ve had ten working cars in Canterlot since… you-know-what happened.” Her smile faltered. “Sorry. You-know-what was just supposed to be a fun time for us. We called it ‘The Friendship Games.’ We’d seen a little bit of magic earlier that school year, but we never knew that someone what planning to…” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. It was… horrible. If it wasn’t for Sunset, I can’t imagine how much worse it might’ve been.”
I nodded, then scratched my chin. “Well, ain’t no need to talk about it if you don’t want to, ma’am,” I said. “How ‘bout somethin’ simpler, like how you got to be a schoolteacher?”
Her mouth drew tighter. “That’s… not a happy story either. Miss Berryshine’s sister, Miss Cheerilee, still used to teach until… well, I… I guess I’d rather not talk about that, either.”
I nodded some more. I felt like I was losin’ her, and more than anything I didn’t want to. So I went for broke: “Well, to give you the whole story, I’m just comin’ through town lookin’ for a man who I was told might’ve been through here some time back. I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot to go on other than a basic description.” I paused, ‘cuz I wanted to give her a chance to speak if she wanted; but she didn’t, so I kept going. “Fella had a strong build, white skin, blond hair, square jaw, and a compass rose tattoo right on…”
And as Harmony is my witness, she started shakin’ right then and there. I stopped talkin’ in a hurry, then leaned close to her and put a hand on her arm and asked if she was all right. “No,” she said, pulling her arm away. “I don’t think I know what happened to… that man. I’m sorry.” And she said it with a little pause in there and everything.
That little pause spoke volumes for me.
“Now look,” I said, “the truth is that I been told not to talk to you. I don’t rightly know why, but given that there might be a missin’ person involved, I gotta take everythin’ suspicious into account. And folks tellin’ me I absolutely ought not talk to you after findin’ out what I’m up to is is powerful suspicious, when you couple it with how you seem to feel about his description…”
She stood up, making her chair squeak against the wood floor. Then she turned away from me. “I’ll thank you to go now, Mr. Clyde,” she said.
And truthfully, under the circumstances, what else could I do? I tipped my hat, left her a few bits for the window, and made my way outside. I was pretty flustered, though. I felt as though I’d done wrong by a good woman, and done my usual job of ruinin’ my prospects with a pretty woman. And worst of all, the trail that I’d thought I was followin’ seemed to have gone cold.
Wasn't until I was ten-fifteen minutes deep into aimless wanderin’ and feelin’ sorry for myself that I remembered I’d heard the name Berryshine before.
It struck me as odd that I’d find a place by the name o’ “Berryshine’s Booze” closed durin’ what I figure had to be its peak nighttime hours. In the time I spent casing its outside, I saw no shortage of workin’ men try the door and come away cursin’ about her bein’ closed. Figured it was best to keep to myself and just watch, though; didn’t seem like I was bound to find much welcome in Canterlot one way or another. And she didn’t leave a note or anything on the door, so there wasn’t much for me to go on there, either.
Except another hunch that started brewin’.
See, while I was snoopin’ around the place, I got to thinkin’ that there was some commonality between the way the schoolteacher and Miss Berryshine had acted when I mentioned I was lookin’ for someone, or when I described him. And then there was the fact that the schoolteacher made it sound like Berryshine’s sister ended up in a bad way, and how Berryshine was all scarred-up, and that the pretty woman ended up gettin’ her sister’s job… that all gave me another link between them.
Though another link was Sunset herself. Maybe Canterlot’s protector, or maybe the person in charge of it… truth be told, I was still pretty fuzzy on the details. Either way, though, it seemed like she was the one person I hadn’t paid a visit. And with her bein’ such a bigwig, I figured it shouldn’t be too hard to track her down, even if it meant I’d have to try talkin’ to some folk.
I should’ve figured I’d end up at the site o’Canterlot High sooner or later. With all due respect though, there’s less to look at than I’d expected for the place where whatever happened happened. Got a real big crater on one end of a sandy hill, and lotsa broken-down ruins on the other end. ‘Course, I will say someone’s put some effort into buildin’ that nice ranch house next to the ruins. Simple but tasteful, if you don’t mind my sayin’.
’Course, one other nice thing about ranch houses is that there’s only the single floor, so it’s not too hard even for a klutz like me to get right up next to a window from the outside and just listen. The insulation must’ve been pretty good, all things considered, ‘cause I still couldn’t hear too much. I certainly didn’t dare take a peek through that window. But I could tell that one of the voices from inside was Berryshine’s, and I heard the word “cave” come up more’n a couple times while they talked.
I strained hard listenin’ for details. I heard a couple that sounded like landmarks. I didn’t want to push my luck, though, so I hightailed it outta there once it sounded like the conversation was windin’ down.
Sleep was soundin’ pretty good by that point. And even if I didn’t have a decent place to lay my head, the ruins promised a whole cornucopia of options for a man willin’ to keep his expectations low.
I was plenty stiff the next morning, what with my humble accommodations. But I set out for the market once it got good and light. Figured I could grab some breakfast while I figured how to follow-up the lead I’d got the night before.
Didn’t figure I’d run into her.
“Hello again, Mr. Clyde,” the schoolteacher said. And while I’m thinkin’ about it, I really should’ve thought to ask her name. Should’ve done before that moment when my main impression of her was how strong and pretty she looked. Certainly should’ve done it in that moment when her mouth was pulled into a tight lil’ frown and her eyes looked misty.
“Somethin’ wrong, ma’am?” I asked. Then I cocked my head, and said, “I reckon that you must be missin’ school by now, aren’t you?”
“I am,” she said, nodding. “But I asked my substitute to cover for me. I… I wanted to come find you, if I could. To apologize for how I clammed-up last night.”
I raised my eyebrows. Couldn’t help it. “Oh, that’s all right,” I said. “I understand some things ain’t easy to talk about.”
Then she got real quiet and looked around before leaning close. “I’ve… seen that man, but not at all recently. This was years ago. But yes, I… know who you’re talking about. The tattoo confirms it.”
“Well hot diggity,” I said under my breath. “Look, I got a lead on a place where he might’ve been. Don’t ask how. The thing I need is help piecing together what I know and figurin’ out where it is.”
And she just looked up into my eyes, and hers got all big and teary, and she asked one question: “What are you going to do if you find him?”
I swallowed hard. Truth be told, I wasn’t sent out with a warrant or nothin’; it was just a missing person job. But I figured that I knew what the job really was, so I went for broke again: “I’m gonna bring him in for what he’s done, ma’am.”
And she nodded, and smiled, and we left the market in a hurry.
We were mostways to the cave when I looked at her and told her how awfully lucky I felt that she’d come lookin’ for me, and how she’d been able to find a substitute on such short notice.
That’s when she told me her substitute was Miss Berryshine, and that they’d talked about things briefly that morning.
And even though I felt my blood run cold for hearing it… what was I supposed to do? I mean, other than running, of course.
I reckon y’all probably know what happened from there better than I do, ma’am. I mean, we got down into the cave down there easy enough, and found… what’s left of him. Right useful marking the spot with his compass rose, it was.
Then o’course it must’ve been you or someone with you who jumped us on the way out, and I… I heard her scream, just before I got clocked pretty good.
Look, by now you oughtta know what kinda man I am, and what I came here to do. I don’t know what he did exactly, though I can guess from how she talked about him, and from the way that everybody else just wanted me to leave her alone. And I want you to know that I wanna see justice done, whether that’s bringin’ his remains back home to the Empire, or tryin’ to make things right for her, or… well, figurin’ out who put that man in that cave, and why.
I ain’t lucky enough to be able to leave that alone, ma’am.
I suppose there’s one exception, though. I… I think you have her. And I certainly don’t want what I’ve done here to bring her any more harm than she’s already been through. She’s beautiful, and way too trusting. I get that now. Please, whatever you do to me, just promise me you’ll let her go.
I mean, the way folks talk about her around here, you’d figure Sunset herself would take notice if she’d gone missing, and then she’d…
Oh.
So you’re, uh…
Huh. You’d figure that I would’ve guessed that by now, if I was any good at bein’ a deputy.
Well ain’t that just my luck.
Pics
Wow. Just... wow. The narration was spot on for Troubleshoes. Seriously, I'm blown away by this. I loved it. I loved the mystery surrounding who we eventually find out is Blueblood. I admit I actually missed who the love interest was at the very beginning. I missed a single word and it slipped by me until I went back at the end.
But the whole idea of the EqG world transformed into a wild west-style location after the Friendship Games (I'm guessing Sunset didn't manage to completely stop SciTwi). That was a great twist I never saw coming. I really wanted to find out more about this world. And since I suspect this is for Jake's contest, I do hope this gets expanded just a bit more. After all, it sounds like Sunset was the only survivor, though that could be because of her Ascendant form while the rest of the girls didn't have that kind of magic.
Definitely top tier here on narration alone. But add in some cute shipping and an alternate timeline with Sunset Shimmer as the single one keeping what's left of Canterlot alive? Hook, line and sinker. Great job!
But the whole idea of the EqG world transformed into a wild west-style location after the Friendship Games (I'm guessing Sunset didn't manage to completely stop SciTwi). That was a great twist I never saw coming. I really wanted to find out more about this world. And since I suspect this is for Jake's contest, I do hope this gets expanded just a bit more. After all, it sounds like Sunset was the only survivor, though that could be because of her Ascendant form while the rest of the girls didn't have that kind of magic.
Definitely top tier here on narration alone. But add in some cute shipping and an alternate timeline with Sunset Shimmer as the single one keeping what's left of Canterlot alive? Hook, line and sinker. Great job!
I struggled with this one. Mostly with the narration which I see was what >>Novel_Idea called out as great but I found it extremely confusing, so confusing I'd be hard pressed to tell you what actually happened.
The narration is just so rambling and choppy that I never really followed what was going on. There's a desperate need for names in this story. I didn't even realise who the School-teacher was until writing this review (in hindsight its obvious but I thought she was Sunset for a long while) and really there's no reason why not to just spell it out. I didn't twig who was murdered until the comments section either, and I couldn't even begin to tell you why he was murdered or what happened to Troubleshoes.
That's probably not very helpful, sorry author, but this one lost me badly.
The narration is just so rambling and choppy that I never really followed what was going on. There's a desperate need for names in this story. I didn't even realise who the School-teacher was until writing this review (in hindsight its obvious but I thought she was Sunset for a long while) and really there's no reason why not to just spell it out. I didn't twig who was murdered until the comments section either, and I couldn't even begin to tell you why he was murdered or what happened to Troubleshoes.
That's probably not very helpful, sorry author, but this one lost me badly.
We don't see a whole lot of Troubleshoes, so bumping into him here, and being so well done, is a pleasant surprise. I, like Novel above, missed an important clue as to who our ditzy school teacher is, though upon re-reading it should have been plain as day, so don't fault yourself for not being clear enough, dear author.
I wish I had a big "WORLD BUILDING" stamp I could lay on stories like this. We're presented with some very cool things here, and following Clyde around as he tells the story of him piecing things together earns points for structure.
I didn't catch that our target/fiend extraordinaire was Blueblood until reading the other comments, but like the other identity I missed, it's plain on rereading. It just so happens that he occupies a very small memory space, so I don't think of him often. Anyway. His implied crimes are just as heinous as I'd expect, and I'm not at all disappointed with the conclusion to the hunt.
Good job all around using a rare character in an interesting AU to tell a troubled tale.
I wish I had a big "WORLD BUILDING" stamp I could lay on stories like this. We're presented with some very cool things here, and following Clyde around as he tells the story of him piecing things together earns points for structure.
I didn't catch that our target/fiend extraordinaire was Blueblood until reading the other comments, but like the other identity I missed, it's plain on rereading. It just so happens that he occupies a very small memory space, so I don't think of him often. Anyway. His implied crimes are just as heinous as I'd expect, and I'm not at all disappointed with the conclusion to the hunt.
Good job all around using a rare character in an interesting AU to tell a troubled tale.
So... overall, I'm mostly with >>billymorph here in being left thoroughly confused. I'm not an encyclopedic pony superfan in the first place, and Equestria Girls-exclusive material is even further out of my sphere, so if this is supposed to be some subtle AU-of-an-AU worldbuilding project (as other comments imply) I'm afraid all of that flies straight over my head.
But that's fine! I get that it's EQG, I know who the characters are, and I can recognize a cross-eyed grey-skinned character at a hundred paces. That's not too confusing, although having her be a schoolteacher did make me question myself. Identifying another character by their cutie mark, now that's another story, I wouldn't have known who that was if the comments didn't tell me. But that's fine, too, because his identity doesn't seem vital to the story, just more of a bonus for those who recognize it. ... I think.
What confuses me is the main plot. I can't get emotionally invested in the story, because I can't follow it at a basic level. What did Blueblood do? Why is the Empire looking for him? I thought at first that he was involved with some sort of magical catastrophe? Is that different from what he did to Derpy? How did he end up dead in some cave out of nowhere? How is it that the entire town seems to know about this, but nobody will just explain to Clyde what happened, and none of them seem concerned with the fact that Clyde is not acting on his own but as a government representative? What role does Sunset play in all this, does she not care about the Empire? Is she going to kill Clyde?! Why?!
I just don't understand what's going on here at all. And not for lack of trying - the story intentionally withholds all these character names and plot points. And what little information it does care to share is not presented clearly or emphasized, but instead randomly dropped in blink-and-you'll-miss-it lines, like the one sentence that clearly describes Derpy (which all three previous commenters missed on their first read.)
And then, on top of that, it's very easy to blink and miss things, 'cause th' writin's habit'o makin' th' accent's thick's possible an' choppin' letters out'a just 'bout ev'ry single word makes it harder'n'a hootenanny hollerer t'actually read close and fig'r out, don'tcha see? Some paragraphs average more than two apostrophied words per sentence - it's way too much. For a while I even wondered if it had been accomplished via search and replace for the letter g followed by a space.
These are mostly simple fixes, though. The core issue that went wrong here is a very common one: thinking that a story will be improved by withholding information from the reader to create mystery. It's a tempting thought, especially because a lot of fiction (even professionally published) falls into the trap. But it's not true. Withholding information is a trap. Do your best to break yourself of the habit of mystery, and you'll see a drastic improvement in your overall writing skill, I promise! (Because then, instead of relying on the fixed interest value of the reader wondering what's going on, you'll start looking for ways to make what's going on interesting on its own merits!)
The skeleton of the story here seems fine, there's a lot of nice description and characterization once it can be deciphered. This is far from a trainwreck, probably a serviceable mid-tier entry. I'm likely sounding way more negative on it than I feel, because it's hard to praise the prose through the accent and it's hard to praise the content through the problem of obscurity. But it really is just those two issues. What I can see of the fundamentals behind them is very promising. Clean up the accents, make sure even casual readers can clearly follow what's going on, and I bet your next entry will be on pace for top tier. Thanks for writing!
But that's fine! I get that it's EQG, I know who the characters are, and I can recognize a cross-eyed grey-skinned character at a hundred paces. That's not too confusing, although having her be a schoolteacher did make me question myself. Identifying another character by their cutie mark, now that's another story, I wouldn't have known who that was if the comments didn't tell me. But that's fine, too, because his identity doesn't seem vital to the story, just more of a bonus for those who recognize it. ... I think.
What confuses me is the main plot. I can't get emotionally invested in the story, because I can't follow it at a basic level. What did Blueblood do? Why is the Empire looking for him? I thought at first that he was involved with some sort of magical catastrophe? Is that different from what he did to Derpy? How did he end up dead in some cave out of nowhere? How is it that the entire town seems to know about this, but nobody will just explain to Clyde what happened, and none of them seem concerned with the fact that Clyde is not acting on his own but as a government representative? What role does Sunset play in all this, does she not care about the Empire? Is she going to kill Clyde?! Why?!
I just don't understand what's going on here at all. And not for lack of trying - the story intentionally withholds all these character names and plot points. And what little information it does care to share is not presented clearly or emphasized, but instead randomly dropped in blink-and-you'll-miss-it lines, like the one sentence that clearly describes Derpy (which all three previous commenters missed on their first read.)
And then, on top of that, it's very easy to blink and miss things, 'cause th' writin's habit'o makin' th' accent's thick's possible an' choppin' letters out'a just 'bout ev'ry single word makes it harder'n'a hootenanny hollerer t'actually read close and fig'r out, don'tcha see? Some paragraphs average more than two apostrophied words per sentence - it's way too much. For a while I even wondered if it had been accomplished via search and replace for the letter g followed by a space.
These are mostly simple fixes, though. The core issue that went wrong here is a very common one: thinking that a story will be improved by withholding information from the reader to create mystery. It's a tempting thought, especially because a lot of fiction (even professionally published) falls into the trap. But it's not true. Withholding information is a trap. Do your best to break yourself of the habit of mystery, and you'll see a drastic improvement in your overall writing skill, I promise! (Because then, instead of relying on the fixed interest value of the reader wondering what's going on, you'll start looking for ways to make what's going on interesting on its own merits!)
The skeleton of the story here seems fine, there's a lot of nice description and characterization once it can be deciphered. This is far from a trainwreck, probably a serviceable mid-tier entry. I'm likely sounding way more negative on it than I feel, because it's hard to praise the prose through the accent and it's hard to praise the content through the problem of obscurity. But it really is just those two issues. What I can see of the fundamentals behind them is very promising. Clean up the accents, make sure even casual readers can clearly follow what's going on, and I bet your next entry will be on pace for top tier. Thanks for writing!
>>Ranmilia
This. While I can track the events that take place with relative ease, I can't really track the story itself because it is more or less fully obfuscated by a character who both seems to know nothing and spell nothing out. There is nothing wrong with mystery, but the reader needs SOMETHING to hook onto.
Beyond that, while I am a big fan of organic world building, sometimes you need to be straightforward, and fanfiction is one of those times where establishing right out the gate that something is AU is important to avoid forcing a hard swerve. While I think that might be what you were trying to do at the beginning, I don't think it quite succeeds because it simply puts me in mind that we're in a different region of Amareica than EqG takes place in, and thus dealing with a slightly different sort of life. It takes a while for me to be sure about the AU thing, and I still don't really have a good picture of what the world we're dealing with is.
And yeah. While you do a good job with the voicing, it can make things harder to read in places as well. Consider reigning it in just a bit.
What confuses me is the main plot. I can't get emotionally invested in the story, because I can't follow it at a basic level. What did Blueblood do? Why is the Empire looking for him? I thought at first that he was involved with some sort of magical catastrophe? Is that different from what he did to Derpy? How did he end up dead in some cave out of nowhere? How is it that the entire town seems to know about this, but nobody will just explain to Clyde what happened, and none of them seem concerned with the fact that Clyde is not acting on his own but as a government representative? What role does Sunset play in all this, does she not care about the Empire? Is she going to kill Clyde?! Why?!
This. While I can track the events that take place with relative ease, I can't really track the story itself because it is more or less fully obfuscated by a character who both seems to know nothing and spell nothing out. There is nothing wrong with mystery, but the reader needs SOMETHING to hook onto.
Beyond that, while I am a big fan of organic world building, sometimes you need to be straightforward, and fanfiction is one of those times where establishing right out the gate that something is AU is important to avoid forcing a hard swerve. While I think that might be what you were trying to do at the beginning, I don't think it quite succeeds because it simply puts me in mind that we're in a different region of Amareica than EqG takes place in, and thus dealing with a slightly different sort of life. It takes a while for me to be sure about the AU thing, and I still don't really have a good picture of what the world we're dealing with is.
And yeah. While you do a good job with the voicing, it can make things harder to read in places as well. Consider reigning it in just a bit.
I think this is trying to hang too much on its in-media-res opening, and not doing enough to hold attention in the middle or really sell the ending. (What happened in the past? What's going to happen now?) Plus, the accent is a bit much, and some of the world-building seemed unnecessarily confusing. I won't say you totally lost me, but I definitely skimmed a bit in the middle.
On the other hand, I really do like the idea of Troubleshoes X Derpy, and both of them are just kinda... wonderfully bumbling through the whole story here. This has some great elements and some not-so-great elements, but on the whole I think I like it.
On the other hand, I really do like the idea of Troubleshoes X Derpy, and both of them are just kinda... wonderfully bumbling through the whole story here. This has some great elements and some not-so-great elements, but on the whole I think I like it.
As with others, review-as-reaction to start with during my read through...
Canterlot High but with an "empire" and this wild-west thing? Hmm, tough sell.
Accent is pretty good, not slowing me down to read it, which is what matters.
Still waiting for the hook.
Magic blast? Is this Fallout Equestria, or EqG? Or both? Need setting here, author! Just a description of the place as he came into town or something would help.
I'm calling this "Postapocalyptic Cowboy Noir."
“I don’t think we’ve had ten working cars in Canterlot since… you-know-what happened.” The "we don't talk about the incident" cliche is starting to wear thin.
Friendship Games... okay, at least that's an answer, if I remembered what the plot of that movie was. (It was my least favorite.)
Most of the way through this, and while I get that there is A mystery, I'm not engaged with it. I kinda want to know what happened to the world, but I'm not feeling any real interested in who Clyde is hunting for, as everything has just been him hitting dead ends and "I don't want to talk about it" which doesn't expose the reader to any real info. Even when "the teacher" comes to find Clyde, and says she's seen "that man" they still don't name him. I'm in the dark, author, and it's making this ride less fun.
And it's done...
Okay, I'm still lost. Like really. I have no idea who the schoolteacher is (it's not cheerilee I think), who's holding Clyde at the end (unless it's Sunset) who the murdered pony was he was tracking. or much of anything else. For the love of ***** why couldn't you just have characters uses names like a normal story? Seriously!
I say that because I absolutely loved the narration in general. The accent and attitude for Clyde is wonderful, and the world-building aspects, had they been background only, were fantastic as well. As I said, "Post-apocalyptic Cowboy Noir" and that's really something cool. But the central mystery is written to be so obtuse that, if you don't go memorize the MLP wikia and rewatch the EqG movie this is centered on, it's impossible to follow.
Canterlot High but with an "empire" and this wild-west thing? Hmm, tough sell.
Accent is pretty good, not slowing me down to read it, which is what matters.
Still waiting for the hook.
Magic blast? Is this Fallout Equestria, or EqG? Or both? Need setting here, author! Just a description of the place as he came into town or something would help.
I'm calling this "Postapocalyptic Cowboy Noir."
“I don’t think we’ve had ten working cars in Canterlot since… you-know-what happened.” The "we don't talk about the incident" cliche is starting to wear thin.
Friendship Games... okay, at least that's an answer, if I remembered what the plot of that movie was. (It was my least favorite.)
Most of the way through this, and while I get that there is A mystery, I'm not engaged with it. I kinda want to know what happened to the world, but I'm not feeling any real interested in who Clyde is hunting for, as everything has just been him hitting dead ends and "I don't want to talk about it" which doesn't expose the reader to any real info. Even when "the teacher" comes to find Clyde, and says she's seen "that man" they still don't name him. I'm in the dark, author, and it's making this ride less fun.
And it's done...
Okay, I'm still lost. Like really. I have no idea who the schoolteacher is (it's not cheerilee I think), who's holding Clyde at the end (unless it's Sunset) who the murdered pony was he was tracking. or much of anything else. For the love of ***** why couldn't you just have characters uses names like a normal story? Seriously!
I say that because I absolutely loved the narration in general. The accent and attitude for Clyde is wonderful, and the world-building aspects, had they been background only, were fantastic as well. As I said, "Post-apocalyptic Cowboy Noir" and that's really something cool. But the central mystery is written to be so obtuse that, if you don't go memorize the MLP wikia and rewatch the EqG movie this is centered on, it's impossible to follow.
Looking for a Retrospective
Thanks folks for reading and commenting! ^^ Ahh, I wish I would've had more time with this one. I took the impression from some of the comments that the core elements I was aiming for were mostly in there, but that it needed a lot of polish and (especially) clarification. That was probably unsurprising given that this uses an obscure character, a lore-dependent AU, and an unusual perspective/framing story... plus what you see here was written almost entirely between the hours of 10pm-4am last Sunday night/Monday morning, which did not help in the slightest. For those who don't follow me on FF, suffice it to say that I had a big exciting trip in early June that's had massive knock-on effects, and this was the only time I could squeeze in some uninterrupted writing time last weekend. (I subsequently spent most of the week paying for lost sleep, but I wanted to participate. I hate not participating in a Pony round.)
...Well, so I kinda lied just there. While everything I wrote for this was indeed written last weekend, bits and pieces of the idea for this have been kicking 'round my head ever since the Troubleshoes episode aired, which was over 2 years ago(!). My knee-jerk reaction to the episode was that someone needed to ship Derpy and Troubleshoes, and I began brainstorming how to do it. I even went so far as to write & publish two stories in a series that were meant to build to a third where Troubleshoes could walk in and the ship could be launched, but I never managed to get the final story past an outline that I felt was lacking. I finally gave up and consigned it to the dank depths of my Google drive in Fall 2015.
A bit later in 2015, Oroboro wrote a wonderfully atmospheric post-apocalyptic Equestria Girls AU story called Sunset's Rest, which I highly recommend; it's short on plot but long on mood and worldbuilding. Oh, and any resemblance between the AU I used in this story and the AU in Oroboro's story is totally intentional because I'm overly ripping-off his great idea. :-P No seriously, I loved his portrayal of an aging Sunset who's seen too much and who tries to make her corner of the world a better place while carrying the combined guilt of her original fall-from-grace with Celestia, along with the guilt of her failure to stop Twilight/Midnight Sparkle from destabilizing the multiverse at the end of Friendship Games. Someone mentioned FG was their least favorite EqG movie, and I'm right there with 'em; but I have to admit that its climax offers a perfect opportunity to envision a "what if" scenario where things could've gone horribly wrong.
Anyway, at some point during a desperate brainstorming session in a past Writeoff I was trying to mix-and-match pieces of old ideas to see if I could get anything to click, and one thing that emerged was this bizarre idea of trying to write DerpyShoes shipping set in Oroboro's AU. Of course I didn't end up doing it at the time, but it was so manifestly weird that I figured it was worth writing down. I've kept coming back to it from time, trying to figure out a plot (or even a cast), but I kept bouncing right off of it; absolutely nothing about my old light-&-funny DerpyShoes ideas seemed like they could work in such a dark setting.
But this time around, things were different.
I saw a picture of a dead unicorn in a desert, which got me thinking about Blueblood meeting an untimely end. And a "Fool" Tarot card that made me think about how Troubleshoes would probably find some way to get himself into mortal peril even if he was otherwise succeeding at his goals. And then I thought about Sunset herself being at the core of Oroboro's AU, and how she'd react if someone came to town looking for trouble... and how she'd react if someone came to town looking for answers.
So assuming I haven't already lost you, here's my story's whole backstory and mystery demystified: At the end of Friendship Games, Sunset failed to reach Sci-Twi with her message of friendship, and the two ended up fighting instead of reconciling. Sunset emerged victorious and managed to re-seal the dimensions, but stray bursts of unchecked power wreaked havoc on the planet and its orbit. (Note that she'd channeled a great deal of magic into protecting the people who were present to witness the fight). Faced with rising temperatures but cut off from the Equestrian magic that might help her fix the world, Sunset did all she could think to do: rebuild Canterlot into a relatively safe bulwark against the savagery that rose amid the new North Amareican desert.
Roughly 5-10 years after those events, Blueblood came down to Canterlot after a lengthy stay in the "Crystal Empire," a somewhat-organized but still pretty ragtag group of towns to the north. While he'd originally come out of curiosity regarding his (missing and presumed dead) aunts, Blueblood found he rather liked the relative order he found in Canterlot, and he decided to insert himself into the community and begin seeking comfort and power. But he was far from a good man to start with, and life in the desert had only hardened him; details can be left to the imagination of the reader, but suffice it to say that Berryshine lost a sister, and Ms. Ditzy Doo gained a child. A few years later, things stabilized enough in the Crystal Empire that they could afford to start looking for clues about Blueblood's whereabouts, as he'd also made a few notable (though not necessarily criminal) waves in the Empire as well.
So that's the setup and everything. But who was who?: The schoolteacher was Ditzy/Derpy/Muffins/whatever. I tried to make it clear from her description and demeanor, but I hesitated to name her because I wasn't sure which name to choose at this point. I wish I'd just picked a name and run with it, though, because that probably would've been the single most helpful thing for those who were confused. I also wish I could've managed to insert one or two more tiny morsels of backstory about her becoming the schoolteacher; basically she's not the smartest person in town but she's very nurturing and good with kids, and that proved to be what Canterlot needed after losing Cheerilee. So then that brings us to the person in the shadows, who was Sunset herself. I hoped that would be clear by the end, though I see not everyone got it. But Canterlot is her town; she figures she's paid for it with blood and guilt, and Blueblood only left her with more of both. And of course Blueblood was the already-dead bad guy.
All right, so what happens to Troubleshoes at the end of this? Does Sunset see the good in him and do what she can to make things right? Or does she get rid of him like she got rid of Blueblood? (Come on, of course she'd try to make things right; this is Sunset we're talking about. What Blueblood did was beyond the pale; what Troubleshoes did was the earnest bumbling of a good man.)
On to comments!
>>Novel_Idea
Definitely top tier here on narration alone. But add in some cute shipping and an alternate timeline with Sunset Shimmer as the single one keeping what's left of Canterlot alive? Hook, line and sinker. Great job!
Bless you for your early and positive review! I wasn't sure if this would resonate with anyone but it totally did! ^^ ...I just wish it had done that with more people! D:
I actually missed who the love interest was at the very beginning. I missed a single word and it slipped by me until I went back at the end.
This would go on to become a recurring bit of feedback (more or less). For whatever reason, I don't see the problem. If you (or anyone) would be game for pointing it out, that would help me tweak things.
>>billymorph
Coming on the heels of the previous review, this was my "Oh crap! I lost the audience after all!" moment. D: Also a clue that not naming names was hurting me...
>>Rao
Good job all around using a rare character in an interesting AU to tell a troubled tale.
Many thanks! Also this was my "No it's OK, I've got this after all!" moment as I was tallying reviews.
(...Come on, I did an all-nighter on a work night to write this thing. I wanted it to make good.) :-P
>>Ranmilia
I'm likely sounding way more negative on it than I feel, because it's hard to praise the prose through the accent and it's hard to praise the content through the problem of obscurity. But it really is just those two issues.
While the first time I read your comments I thought you were dinging me for writing a mystery (which... like, half the point is that it's a mystery), on subsequent reading I realized you'd given me some really valuable feedback here. There's a shroud of obscurity covering this whole thing. T-money's accent is definitely part of it... I felt it was important to get the character voice right, but I'll admit it kinda ended up being an apostrophe salad. And the other thing is that there isn't enough clarity of names and descriptions at the moments where the story really needs them. I was trying to stick with what could plausibly serve as T-shoes actually speaking all of this out loud to Sunset, but there are moments where the audience needs more help getting there.
Just my luck, usin' a writin' competition as my first time in a long time writin' First Person Hayseed perspective... :-P
>>AndrewRogue
While I can track the events that take place with relative ease, I can't really track the story itself because it is more or less fully obfuscated by a character who both seems to know nothing and spell nothing out. There is nothing wrong with mystery, but the reader needs SOMETHING to hook onto.
Beyond that, while I am a big fan of organic world building, sometimes you need to be straightforward, and fanfiction is one of those times where establishing right out the gate that something is AU is important to avoid forcing a hard swerve. While I think that might be what you were trying to do at the beginning, I don't think it quite succeeds because it simply puts me in mind that we're in a different region of Amareica than EqG takes place in, and thus dealing with a slightly different sort of life. It takes a while for me to be sure about the AU thing, and I still don't really have a good picture of what the world we're dealing with is.
Actually it might've been your review that helped me realize the full depth of what the previous one was saying, so thank you. For what it's worth though, I tried to lay the groundwork with the AU stuff as early as I could after the opening "sting" with the gun. I agree that it still could've been clearer with this kind of contextless presentation, but I feel like this is a case where it it was on FimFiction and there were big ol' EqG and AU tags on the story (as well as short and long descriptions helping set things up), that would probably work.
>>Not_A_Hat
I think this is trying to hang too much on its in-media-res opening, and not doing enough to hold attention in the middle or really sell the ending. (What happened in the past? What's going to happen now?) Plus, the accent is a bit much, and some of the world-building seemed unnecessarily confusing. I won't say you totally lost me, but I definitely skimmed a bit in the middle.
On the other hand, I really do like the idea of Troubleshoes X Derpy, and both of them are just kinda... wonderfully bumbling through the whole story here. This has some great elements and some not-so-great elements, but on the whole I think I like it.
I love this, and thank you for writing it. ^^ It's encouraging while continuing to hammer at some of the same points others made about the lack of clarity in the middle section. It also makes the point that I very much am trying to hang a lot on the opening. Part of that is... well, it's embarrassing; at some point in the 2+ years that this story idea was germinating, I actually wrote a brief opening paragraph that I liked much better and that established the whole AU thing very succinctly. Then of course I actually finally use this idea in a real live Writeoff, and I'm like... "Crap, I can't use that as the opener!" :-P
>>Xepher
"Postapocalyptic Cowboy Noir."
This is the best thing. ^^
I kinda want to know what happened to the world, but I'm not feeling any real interested in who Clyde is hunting for, as everything has just been him hitting dead ends and "I don't want to talk about it" which doesn't expose the reader to any real info. Even when "the teacher" comes to find Clyde, and says she's seen "that man" they still don't name him. I'm in the dark, author, and it's making this ride less fun.
Interesting interesting interesting feedback. Part of how I was trying to do this was to show T-pain continuing to make progress in spite of (and in fact sometimes because of) the dead ends. Like... he talks a lot about luck in his episode, and I was trying to play with luck as a concept. He gets lucky as he's going along but then ends up fabulously unlucky in the end because his luck runs out.
That might be too understated at present though...
I have no idea who the schoolteacher is (it's not cheerilee I think), who's holding Clyde at the end (unless it's Sunset) who the murdered pony was he was tracking. or much of anything else. For the love of ***** why couldn't you just have characters uses names like a normal story? Seriously!
Eeyup. Names are good. This should've been obvious, but 10pm-4am brain didn't make the connection. Props to you though for guessing correctly on Sunset!
...And thus ends the longest retro ever. :-) Thanks for reading, and hopefully this'll make its way to FimFiction sooner rather than later.
>>CoffeeMinion
Yeah. I think if you did that you would run into the same problems that were discussed in Radio Writeoff for A Walk Beyond The Stars, of trying to narrate action, and the difficulties thereof. Not to say it can't be done, but it's a big challenge and the format typically feels pretty artificial.
For me, it would. You might want to consider instead doing a time skip and having Trouble Shoes narrate the resolution to a different listener — that allows you to keep the same narration style and tense, which would make the cut-away less abrupt.
I wasn't sure how to do a clearer ending for Trouble while staying in the perspective and narrative structure that the rest of it is told in.
Yeah. I think if you did that you would run into the same problems that were discussed in Radio Writeoff for A Walk Beyond The Stars, of trying to narrate action, and the difficulties thereof. Not to say it can't be done, but it's a big challenge and the format typically feels pretty artificial.
Would it be jarring to have an epilogue where it jumps out to a third-person conversation between Sunset and Berry to wrap things up?
For me, it would. You might want to consider instead doing a time skip and having Trouble Shoes narrate the resolution to a different listener — that allows you to keep the same narration style and tense, which would make the cut-away less abrupt.
>>CoffeeMinion
This is what I missed. I have a bad habit of occasionally skimming even my favorite stories. If a critical line is in the middle of a paragraph there's a chance I might miss it. I did catch that she was blonde, but I didn't make the rest of the connections. Ironically, I do remember the dress, but for some reason, I don't remember the "not too far off from her skin tone."
Honestly, I thought this story should have done far better than it did. For my slate, I actually ranked this at the top. I am a sucker for Sunset and AUs, but more than anything, I just went totally nuts over the voice. I could hear the character in my head, narrating this whole thing.
So if I launched you out on a happy note, take it! I still stand by this was one of my favorites I read this round. :)
Make sure you get this in for Jake's contest! I want to read the final version and I think it'll do great. Hell, when I first read it, I was like "whelp, so much for my entry."
This would go on to become a recurring bit of feedback (more or less). For whatever reason, I don't see the problem. If you (or anyone) would be game for pointing it out, that would help me tweak things.
grey mottled dress not too far off her skin tone
This is what I missed. I have a bad habit of occasionally skimming even my favorite stories. If a critical line is in the middle of a paragraph there's a chance I might miss it. I did catch that she was blonde, but I didn't make the rest of the connections. Ironically, I do remember the dress, but for some reason, I don't remember the "not too far off from her skin tone."
Honestly, I thought this story should have done far better than it did. For my slate, I actually ranked this at the top. I am a sucker for Sunset and AUs, but more than anything, I just went totally nuts over the voice. I could hear the character in my head, narrating this whole thing.
So if I launched you out on a happy note, take it! I still stand by this was one of my favorites I read this round. :)
Make sure you get this in for Jake's contest! I want to read the final version and I think it'll do great. Hell, when I first read it, I was like "whelp, so much for my entry."
>>Posh
Great feedback, thank you. I'm incorporating much of this into version 2 electric boogaloo.
>>horizon
Fair enough. I might just try to punch-up the current ending a bit. At least clarifying that it's Sunset should help.
>>Novel_Idea
You old charmer. Flattery will get you everywhere. :-p
Great feedback, thank you. I'm incorporating much of this into version 2
>>horizon
Fair enough. I might just try to punch-up the current ending a bit. At least clarifying that it's Sunset should help.
>>Novel_Idea
You old charmer. Flattery will get you everywhere. :-p
>>Xepher
So... I am likely going to steal this for a subtitle in the FimFiction version. This is seriously gold, IMO. ^^
Postapocalyptic Cowboy Noir
So... I am likely going to steal this for a subtitle in the FimFiction version. This is seriously gold, IMO. ^^
>>CoffeeMinion
Heh, go for it! It definitely fits, and as I said, I think the voice you gave Troubleshoes here is absolutely and exactly that. It's like Max Payne meets Dark Tower, with just a bit of Preacher thrown in.
Heh, go for it! It definitely fits, and as I said, I think the voice you gave Troubleshoes here is absolutely and exactly that. It's like Max Payne meets Dark Tower, with just a bit of Preacher thrown in.