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Under the Sun · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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The Roe King's Tomb
“True me, it’ll be fun.”

Luna froze mid-step and shot her sister a black look. “Why is it that you always say that just before we get into trouble?”

Celestia shrugged, flashing a wide smile. “Don’t know, probably coincidence. Come on Lulu, where’s your sense of adventure?”

“About three fields and a bramble patch back.” Luna grimaced, looking down at her mud stained and scratched fetlocks. It was going to take a lot of magic before she dared sneak back into the mannor. At least Celestia had gotten the worst of her ‘short-cut’, with a huge blotch of mud staining her radiant coat from hoof to whitters. Their quiet walk through the summer grass, though just as beautiful as billed, had already been far more eventful than Luna had hoped for.

With a deep chuckle, Celestia grabbed her sister by the foreleg and half led, half dragged her sister over the low rise.

“Hey, no fair!” Luna protested, struggling against Celestia’s iron grip.

Celestia stuck her tongue out. “Big sister privileges, Lulu. Besides, you’ll change your tune in just a moment, you’ll see.”

Luna’s glare darkened, but she stopped resisting the inexorable pull of her sister and consoled herself with a low grumble. Mostly about pushy earth ponies and the unfairness of being a little sister. Celestia had a proclivity for getting her way, she had two years on her and a full three hooves of height, not to mention the natural difference in strength between an earth pony and a unicorn.

“And behold!” Celestia exclaimed, as they reached the crown of the hill, sweeping a hoof across the horizon. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

Luna rolled her eyes, peering into the little valley. An overgrown and tangled copse of trees rustled gently in the wind but otherwise there was little to see. “We have trees at home.”

Celestia scoffed. “Can’t you smell it? These are apple trees, and if my guess is correct, they should be just coming into season.” She beamed, pulling Luna into a hug. “Just imagine, after all those icky winter apples a nice, sweet, fresh fruit. Oh, I can just taste it now.”

“Laying it on a little thick, aren’t you?” Luna pushed herself out of Celestia’s grip and shook herself. “What’s the catch?”

“Catch?” Celestia tried and failed to look offended. “There’s no catch. I was just trying to share a treat with my beloved sister who’s been working oh so very hard.”

Luna cocked her eyebrow at her. Celestia smiled as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, and little by little Luna’s resolved crumbled. The distant scent of fresh apples on the wind didn’t help her resolve.

“Oh, fine. I guess after all that walking I am hungry.”

“Wonderful!” Celestia broke into a canter. “Come on!”

The pair raced down the hill, Celestia hanging back just enough for Luna to stay near neck and neck. She didn’t let her little sister win, Celestia never lost, but Luna still enjoyed the thrill of the race even if the outcome was never in any doubt.

A low stone wall ringed the trees, overgrown and ground down by storm and season. The sisters hurdled it with ease and came to a stop beneath the trees. Celestia held up a hoof to signal a halt and then proceeded to pick her way through the undergrowth, taking great care to avoid making too much noise.

“What are you doing?” Luna asked, following her sister with far less stealth.

Above their heads the branches lay heavy with apples, but they were still small and green, not quite ripened. Celestia paid them no attention, instead intent of her hooves.

“Nothing,” she murmured. “Just stay quiet.”

Luna frowned, but did as she was told. By following as closely to Celestia’s hoofprints she managed to avoid the worst of the dead branches, and other detritus. It was still unfair how kindly the land treated Celestia, but at least she didn’t sound like a minotaur on a rampage.

“Ah, here were go,” Celestia said, her face lighting up as she came to the base of a tree. Luna peered up at the apples, but would have been hard pressed to tell them apart from the rest. “Okay, now it's all up to you, Lulu, make with the magic.”

Luna frowned. “Don’t you usually buck down apples?”

Celestia shrugged. “I don’t feel like it today.”

“But you said picking apples with magic is bad for the tree last year,” Luna pressed.

“Well... You see... It’s like–” Celestia hemmed and hawed as Luna’s frown deepened. “I don’t want to wake the dog.”

Luna froze. For a moment she stared at her sister, mentally retracing their steps and comparing it to her hazy map of the wider lands around the manor. “This is Old Bristle’s land, isn’t it?” Celestia grimaced. “Tia, you took me scrumping!”

“Shh, shh!” Celestia hissed, pressing her hoof to her lips. “His dog’s not a deaf as he is. But yes, we’re stealing apples. You were all for it a minute ago. Come on, imagine how good they’re going to taste.”

She flashed another one of her heart melting smiles and though Luna tried to keep hold of her anger, she found it quickly melting away before she sister’s assault.

“Oh, fine. But just a hoof-full.” Luna turned to the tree, magic gathering to her horn as she began to recite her phonemes in her head. One for reach, two for pressure, three for a twist and four for a–

“Come on, Lulu,” Celestia hissed.

Luna yet out a startled yelp, the magic slipping from her grasp, and there was an almighty bang. A branch snapped clean off, coming crashing down in a shower of leaves, apples and splinters. The sisters shared a single, horrified look before the sound of distant barking reached them.

“Run!” Celestia yelled, breaking into a blind galop. Luna looked around wildly for a moment, before launching herself after her, the pair crashing through the overgrown orchard.

It took only a few moments for them to reach the edge of the trees, but it felt like an age to Luna. Her breath was short, her heart was hammering in her chest and she suddenly regretting all those magic lessons when the other fillies had been out playing war.

“Ponyfeathers!” Celestia swore. A huge dog was waiting for them at the wall, barking its head off. It was an ugly mutt, with jaws that seemed to Luna to be large enough to swallow a pony whole.

Celestia swerved, racing alongside the wall and Luna strained to keep up.

“Sister! Please...” she gasped, heaving for air.

“Oi!” Old Bristle emerged from the trees not a dozen hooves away. He was an ancient stallion, battle scarred and short a leg, but it was the pike strapped to his war-saddle that drew Luna’s eye.

“No!” Celestia barked.

Celestia lept over the wall. Luna strained, pushing herself to keep up and leapt the wall just as the dog made a rush for her legs. A blast of magic, unfocused and more light and sound than force, caught the mutt in the face and it reeled backwards, whining.

The furious shout from Old Bristle spurred Luna to greater speed, but she didn’t dare pause to look behind her. Instead she kept her eyes focused on Celestia’s pink tail and galloped for all she was worth.

Two hills later, and in the shadow of a rocky outcropping, Celestia finally slowed to a walk. “You okay back there?”

Luna couldn’t answer for panting, but Celestia seemed to take her frenzied breathing as ascent.

“Great. I think we lost him.” She slumped to the ground.

Luna dropped bonelessly next to her, her sides heaving. “Lets never, ever, ever do that again,” she said, between shuddering breaths.

“I don’t know, I didn’t think it went that badly.”

With a groan, Luna leavered her head from the ground and glared at her sister.

“Here, have an apple it’ll cheer you up.” She pulled one out of her mane and, reflexively, Luna took it in her magic.

“When did you have time to grab this?”

“First rule of adventuring,” Celestia replied, echoing her father.

“Grab the loot first,” the sisters chorused, then burst out laughing. Luna took a deep bite of the apple, it was wonderfully sweet, and all the better for the adrenaline hit.

“Told you it would be fun,” Celestia said, nudging Luna with an elbow. “You should trust your big sister more. And get a little more exercise, you’re getting flabby.”

Luna huffed. “Not all of us have magical stamina.”

“If you know what I mean,” Celestia interjected, waggling her eyebrows and the pair burst into peals of laughter.

“You’re incorrigible.”

“And you’re a pony.” Celestia stuck her tongue out, as they both giggled. “See, this is why I’m always saying you should get out of the study more. Adventure is fun.”

Luna rolled her eyes, and pushed herself to her hooves. “Fun, eh? Is that why my coat is full of brambles and I smell like I’ve been running for my life.”

“Sounds like adventure to me!”

“Maybe...” Luna smiled. “I guess I can see the appeal.”

“That’s the spirit.” Celestia sprang to her hooves and swept her sister into a hug. “Next time—”

Luna took a step back as she tried to catch her overenthusiastic sister and her hoof found only air. With a scream she found herself falling through a bush, dragging Celestia with her. The pair tumbled, head over hooves down a rocky slope. They landed in a heap at the foot of the incline, Celestia on top and a blinding pain shot down Luna’s foreleg.

“Gah! Tia, get of me.” Luna’s horn kindled and with a combination of telekinesis and brute strength she dislodged the large mare. “Alicorns,” she swore. “My hoof.” She flexed the offending limb, wincing as fresh shards of pain raced up and down her leg. “Celestia, I think I’ve sprained it.”

There was no reply.

“Tia!” Luna snapped, rolling onto her belly. Her sister gave no sign of hearing her.

The cave the pair had fallen into was lit only by the few rays of sunlight that slipped through the bush concealing the entrance. It was only a few pony lengths across but the far end was only flat. In fact, as Luna cast a lightning spell, she could see the far wall was entirely artificial and carved with intricate runes and images that made her horn itch just looking at them.

“Oh, First Queen,” Celestia whispered. “It’s a tomb.”

She stared at the wall. There was no making sense of the carvings, they weren’t Equish, or Gryphon or any other language that Luna had ever seen. However, at the very center of the wall was a large engraving of a many horned beast, with carved wisps of magic pouring from its crown like a torrent.

“Ah Deer tomb,” Celestia continued, a grin blossoming on her face. “Luna this is wonderful.”

Luna grimaced. “Celestia–”

“It's just like the stories. Do you know what they put in these things? Magic swords, treasure, artifacts that ponykind never managed even before the war. Luna we could be rich!

“Celestia,” Luna whined, holding up her swelling hoof. “My hoof really hurts.”

Celestia glanced at her, then did a double take. “Oh, ponyfeathers.” For a moment she seemed torn, frozen between the tomb and her sister. “Maybe if I...”

“Tia!”

“Argh, okay, okay.” Celestia rushed to her side. “We’ll get you home.”

But she never really stopped looking at the tomb.




It was many hours, and one incredibly long, loud and detailed telling off, later when Luna slipped into the manor’s small study. Everfree Manor was not a rich barrony, and all the unicorns shared the same small study high in the rafters. It always smelt of old parchment and dried potion ingredients, a pungent aroma that put Luna’s hackles up.

The study’s usual resident did nothing to calm her nerves.

“You’re late,” Gilded Grail said, in his usual low, menacing tone as she entered.

“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir,” Luna murmured, hobbling across the room to take her position next to him by the window. Grail was an aging stallion with a deep black coat, though the years had graced him with more silver hairs than deep lines.

“I hear that you had an altercation with a rabbit hole,” Grail continued, peering down his nose at Luna’s heavily bandaged hoof. Luna had tried to get her mother to go easy on the poltices, but there was no stopping her once she got going.

“Yes, sir.” Luna ducked her head.

Grail hufed. “And do you consider this an adequate excuse?”

“Umm...” Luna glanced down at her hoof. Grail did not give her time to answer.

“I note that your brothers and sisters did not miss their lessons today,” he continued. “Your father values my services highly and I am not accustomed to waiting on little fillies who care little for my skills.”

Luna swallowed. “Sorry, sir.

Grail tossed his head. “I don’t particularly care for apologies. They’re paltry things, no pony has ever succeeded in this world with words alone. Actions, filly, actions are what makes a pony great and proclaim their deeds. Yours do not speak well of you.”

For a moment Luna opened her mouth to protest, but she swiftly shut it.

“You understand that we are unicorns, yes?” he continued. “The pegasi herd the sky, the earth ponies till the dirt, but we are the ponies that command the heavens. If you are not willing to shoulder that burden then you may as well break off that horn and go join your mother in the kitchen.”

A flash of white hot rage shot through Luna, but long practice allowed her to push it back down. “I’ll try, sir.”

“See that you do. There is much wrong with the world. The alicorns destroyed so much and left so little good behind. But we can not it falter for the sake of a few fillies whimsy. It is not, apparently, my place to punish you for trespassing and stealing. However, I can strongly recommend that you do not associate with that vagabond scullery maid if you wish to further your education.”

“She’s my sister!” Luna protested, the words escaping her before she could stop them.

Grail cast her a withering look. “All the more reason to see you separated then. Your destiny is in the stars—” He pointed at her cutie-mark. “—Not in rolling around in the dirt, no matter if it is family that is calling you there. Now, I believe its time to fulfil our most important duty.”

He looked out the window. The sun was just hugging the horizon and, already, Luna could feel the magic of twilight building in the air. Across the Equestrian lands, from coast to coast and from the frozen north to the all consuming southern desert, unicorns were looking towards the sky. Luna couldn’t help but feel the warmth and welcome of that almighty community.

She danced through the complex web of interlocking phonemes, seizing the sky and the sun in a delicate web of magic. As one the unicorns of the world pulled, the sun dropping like a rock behind the distant mountains and the moon rising suddenly to take its place. It was a titanic effort, all to keep the celestial clock in motion for another day.

Luna let out a happy sigh as she fell from the spell. Grail slumped next to her, panting for breath.

“That was. Adequately done. Still, there’s plenty of room for improvement. Follow me.”

A sigh escaped Luna, but dutifully she followed her tutor as he began to pull familiar tomes from the shelves.




The next morning, after the sun had been raised and Grail had laiden her high with excersise and new phonemes to practice, Luna found her way to the kitchens. The manor was small, housing only a few dozen stallions at arms and the local unicorns. Still, nearly a hundred soldiers, maids, farriers, blacksmiths and other required a lot of food and the kitchens were full to the brim of ponies rushing to and throw.

“No, not the good salt!” Strawberry Cupcake bellowed across the room.

Luna smiled fondly, as the diminutive pony mare proceeded to dress down a mare twice her size. She stopped just next to the pair and cleared her throat.

“Good morning, mother.”

Strawberry Cupcake whirled. “Luna? What are you doing on your hooves? No, no, no, you should be sitting down.” Faster than Luna could track her Cupcake raced away, found a stool and pushed Luna into it. “Really, what are you thinking? The doctor said you should keep your weight off your hooves for a few days. Let me have a look at those bandages.”

Luna grimaced as her mother fussed over her. “Really, mother, it's not that bad. He said as long as I don’t try galloping I’ll be fine.”

“It’s my job to worry, dear,” Strawberry Cupcake assured her. “Just as it was supposed to be your sister’s job to keep you safe. Where has that filly got to anyway?”

“Um, I think she was bringing Radiance a snack,” one of the serving fillies cut in, as she bustled past.

Strawberry Cupcake sighed, fondly. “Which means that she’ll be listening to his stories again. Well you’d better go chase her. Unless you plan to take on her duties again.”

A shudder ran down Luna’s spine. “I’ll find her,” she promised. Before Strawberry Cupcake could fuss her any more she pushed herself to her hooves and slipped away.

Radiance was not hard to find. In addition to being one of the largest ponies Luna had ever seen he had both a booming voice and a penchant for telling tales, the taller and more exciting the better. As such it was a simple matter to follow the echoes and the occasional squeal of overexcited fillies.

“And then Vane launched himself into the air like a pegasus and caught that no good dragon right in the neck. I’ll tell you, you’ve never seen a beasty look so surprised!”

Luna let herself quietly into the anteroom which Radiance had taken as his daily ‘court’. The old stallion had taken seat on a low bench, with his forelegs resting on his sword. A small horde or fillies and colts sat in rapt attention before him, ranging in size from little Whistler, who was barely old enough to stand to Celestia, who was nearly as big as Radiance himself.

For a moment Luna just watched, as Radiance continued to describe in explicit detail how they’d driven off the dragon from its horde. Celestia mouthed along with the story as Radiance spoke, her gaze distant, focused on treasure and glory rather than the dusty room. Radiance had exactly the same look, even as he gestured with his sword, and the family resemblance between the two was uncanny.

Luna only wished she had so much in common with her own father.

“So then, as we were divvying up what remained of the treasure, Vane finds this crown. Now, my little ponies, this was a proper alicorn crown, fit for a king or even an emperor. It was a solid band of gold as thick as your hoof, laden with magic gems and it made your teeth buzz with power just looking at it. Now that was all well and good, but the horn of the last owner was still in it.”

There was a general round of ‘ewws’ from the gathered foals.

Radiance shook his head. “See, that’s what I thought. I’m not one to be messing with magic. Magic broke the world. Still, Vane always had his eye on that quick path to power and so before anypony can blink he’s got the crown on his head. Then things got weird, he started floating, his eyes went white as fine china and he began to babble.

“Now, Boulder said we should throw a rock at him. Before we could find a good sized on though, Vane snaps out of it and shouts, ‘I wish for my weight in gold!’. It was a pretty dumb wish, because after the flash of light cleared all that was left of Vane was a gold statue, still wearing the dead alicorn’s crown. We didn’t touch it after that, so for all I know that crown’s still there, waiting for somepony foolish enough to take it.”

“Let that be a lesson to you. Don’t have eyes bigger than your stomach. Or at least be specific with your wishes.” Radiance groaned, leaning back on his stool and rubbing his back. “Now, I’m guessing by little Luna back there that at least some of you have been missed. Better be hurrying on before my wife comes looking herself.”

The though the Strawberry Cupcake finding them slacking sent a few of the older fillies running for the door. As the crowd began to break up, Luna pushed her way forwards.

“Good morning, sister,” she said, stepping up next to Celestia.

“Oh, hey Luna,” she replied, not turning round. “So dad, what did you ever do with the statue?”

Radiance grinned. “What statue would that be?”

“The solid gold one,” Celestia pressed. “You know, of Vane.”

“Hmm...” Radiance rubbed his chin. “Seems to be it’s bad idea for a stallion to go around saying he knows where a solid gold statue is. Might be bad for his health, don’t you know?”

Celestia shot him a flat look. “You lost it, didn’t you?”

Radiance let out a bark of laughter. “Ha, you think so little of your old dad. Actually we gave it to his widow in the end. I think she prefered him like that, come to think.”

“Celestia, your mother is looking for you,” Luna interjected again.

“Urgh, already?” Celestia said, with a groan. “Okay. Sorry dad chores await.”

She grabbed Luna as she hurried past, dragging her into the corridor. “Did you hear all that Luna?” she exclaimed. “Did you hear it?”

Luna shot her a flat look. “It’s not exactly the first time your father’s told that story,” she pointed out.

“Yeah, but now we have a really adventure just waiting for us right here on our doorstep!” Celestia said, prancing on the spot. “Oh it's going to be wonderful. I tried to get dad to tell me some stories about the Deer, but they’re so ancient even he never saw anything but broken stones.”

“Umm, were you listening to the same story I was?”

“I guess it didn’t end well for Vane,” Celestia admitted, and immediately shrugged off the danger. “But honestly, he was always an ass. We’ll be much smarter. Oh, I wonder what could be in there? I bet the whole place will be piled high with jewels, or made of transfigured gold, or full of magical artifacts. This is so exciting! Come on, I have to show you something.”

Sputtering protests, Luna was dragged through the corridors by the overly excited Celestia. She didn’t pause for a moment in her speculation, her ideas steadily growing more and more outlandish until they reached her tiny bedroom.

“See!” Celestia exclaimed, pulling a broad sheet of paper out from under her bed. The page was filled with a charcoal rubbing of the many horned deer carving and Luna could have sworn even its imagine sent tingles running up and down her horn.

“Tia, what is this?” Luna found herself asking. She tore her gaze away from the deer and shook herself. There was a dangerous amount of magic bound within that carving.

Celestia beamed. “I went back to the cave last night. Isn’t it fantastic? I checked as well, we definitely found the door though I think it's magically locked. We should go back, tonight.”

Luna did a double take. “Tonight!” she exclaimed. “Are you crazy? Tia, have you any idea what you’re proposing?”

“Sure, raiding a tomb. Dad raided them all the time.”

“A Deer tomb,” Luna corrected, testily. “A race known for their curses, violence and general hatred of ponykind. You really want to risk all that?”

Celestia looked at her like she’d grown a second head. “Duh! Of course I want to risk it. That’s what being an adventurer is all about! Fame, riches, glory everlasting!”

Luna opened her mouth. Ready to protest that being an adventu seemed be more often dodging death by a feather than gathering glory and riches. That Celestia was just as likely to be killed by an ancient curse than find the treasure she sought. That the deer engraving terrified her and she didn’t really know why.

She didn’t say any of those things, though. She knew her sister and Celestia never listened. If anything, telling her that she shouldn’t would only spur her into action.

Instead, Luna merely hung her head. “What are you going to do?” she asked, wearily.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” Celestia snapped. “This is supposed to be fun, remember? We’ll we go back to the cave you can translate the inscriptions and then we can get into the tomb proper.”

Luna held up a hoof, her bandaged hoof.

“Right... I guess that is a problem.”

“I also can’t read the language of the deer,” Luna continued. A thought occurred to her, a way to potentially talk Celestia out of her madness. “Tia, maybe this is too big for us. What if we told your dad and–”

Celestia waved her off. “No way! This is our discovery and it’ll be our treasure, when your hoof is better. Before that, though, we’re going to have to do the most boring part of an adventure. Research.”

Luna’s heart sank. “You know I’m not allowed in the study without supervision,” she grumbled, trying to throw up another roadblock.

“Don’t worry.” Celestia flashed a radiant smile. “I have a brilliant plan. Meet me at the main stairs at midnight.”




Three nights hence, because for all of Celestia’s wheedling and puppy dog eyes she couldn’t just wave away Strawberry Cupcakes grounding her, the sisters met in the dead of night.

“I’m not sure wrapping dishcloths around our hooves counts as a plan,” Luna muttered, picking her way along the darkened corridors. Their only light was the full moon.

“Hush.”

“It's more of a notion, really.”

“Hush!”

“Or even an inkling.”

Celestia whirled, pressing her cloth covered hoof against Luna’s mouth.

They continued in silence from then on.

The manor’s study was far more imposing in the dark. The tall shelves loomed, blotting out the weak light and casting impenetrable shadows across the sisters. Luna kindled her horn, if not banishing the darkness at least pushing back the gloom.

“What?” she asked, as she caught Celestia’s look. “We need light to read.”

The pair made their way to a small locked shelf near the back. The baron’s private books were very much on the list of things that both fillies, but especially Celestia, were never to touch. However, they were not secured by anything more than a simple lock, which Luna was able to open without much difficulty with a burst of magic.

“Now let’s see,” Luna murmured, squinting at the titles. “The First Queen. Wendigo Lore. The Roe King?”

She pulled the book from the shelf and took it over to a lectern. “Looks promising,” she continued. “Roe is one of the kingdoms of the Deer.”

“Here, see if you can find anything that matches.” Celestia passed over the rubbing, and proceeded to peer over Luna’s shoulder.

“Well, the symbols look right at least,” Luna muttered. The book seemed to be more of a treatise on the fall of the Roe kingdom, rather than anything helpful like a translation guide. Still, she could match the inscriptions in the book to some of the symbols on the rubbing, which was a start at least. “Hmm, death, pain, curse upon those that disturb my rest.”

“Sound promising so far,” Celestia said, without a trace of irony. Luna elected to ignore her.

“It’s definitely a tomb at least.” Luna flipped a page. “And, as much as I hate to say it, the Roe did apparently like to take their treasure with them.”

Luna didn’t need to look to see Celestia’s grin.

“Hmm, not sure if I–” Luna turned a page and froze. Staring back from the page, diminished in its illuminated form, was the many horned carving. A lump formed in Luna’s throat as she read the caption.

“Oh heavens. The Roe King.”

A bang startled the sisters and the room was suddenly flooded with light. Luna shrieked, Celestia grabbed the rubbing and stuffed it into her mane. Both looked around wildly for an exit.

“Luna and Celestia,” Baron Comet intoned, stalking into the room with magic wreathing his horn. He was dark and imposing stallion, although his grandeur was somewhat undermined by his half open dressing gown. He was flanked by two ponies at arms, once of which was a rather sleepy looking Radiance. “I should have guessed.”

“Father!” Luna squeeked, casting around but even Celestia seemed to have figured that they were in trouble. “Umm, I was...”

“Reading my personal books?” Comet enquired, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not sure I should be more disappointed by you breaking the rules, or not noticing the alarm spell.”

Luna swallowed, but said nothing.

“Now, let me see what’s happening here.” Comet lofted the book with his magic. “Hardly bedtime reading. What were you doing with this?”

“I–” Celestia began, but she was muzzled by a haze of Comet’s magic.

“I was asking my daughter,” Comet snapped. “Now, Luna.”

She opened her mouth but her voice failed her.

A disappointed sigh escaped the baron. “Well, let me guess then. This young trouble maker found a rock that, rightly or wrong, she thought was a deer relic and you’re trying to find out if it’s true. Close?”

Luna gave a shaky nod. “I’m sorry...”

Comet regarded her for a long moment. “Apology accepted. Though we’re not done here. Radiance! Take your filly out of my sight.”

Radiance saluted. “Yes sir.” He smiled sheepishly at Celestia but did as he was bid, guiding her out of the room.

“Now then Luna, sit down please.” He gestured to a chair, and Luna shakily sat. “Now Luna, what are we going to do with you?”

“Sorry, sir,” she repeated, no other defence occurring to her.

“Oh, don’t act as if you’re on a chopping block,” Comet snapped. “If you’d damaged a book we’d be having a different conversation but we shouldn’t worry about maybes. What I want to know is what possessed you to do this?”

“I... just wanted...” Luna’s excuse faded to a mumble.

Baron Comet sighed. “Let me guess. Celestia?” He did not wait for an answer. “I have told you since you were old enough to walk that that filly is trouble. It seems she has been responsible for every scrape, and every wasted afternoon you’ve ever had. I’ve tried again and again to get you to chose more sensible companions, yet you still stand by her side. I can’t imagine why.”

“She’s my sister,” Luna protested, finally finding her voice.

“Half-sister. And your lesser half at that.” Comet frowned. “I hoped that one day you’d realise this. You have been gifted with far greater talents than a scullery maid can dream of, yet you still let her lead you around by the nose.”

Luna went to leap to Celestia’s defence, but Comet silenced her with a raised hoof. “I wasn’t finished. Luna, you have a talent for spellwork, enough to impress even Gilded Grail, and that is a hard thing to manage. I fear that you will never fulfill your destiny while you insist on being lead by that filly.”

For a moment, there was no sound in the study.

“I’m sending you to Canterlot.”

“What?” Luna croaked.

“I’ve been in contact with a few wizards looking for an apprentice. My old friend Starswirl expressed an interest. You should be very proud of yourself, not many can claim enough skill to apprentice.”

Luna simply stared at him in opened mouth horror. “But...” she stammered. “I don’t want to go!”

Leaving would mean leaving her mother behind, her home, her sister. For all Celestia and her’s wanderings they’d never gone more than a day’s trot from the manor. The idea sent chills down the filly’s spine.

“Perhaps you should have considered that before now,” Comet said, waspishly. “I’ll send a letter of acceptance in the morning. You should be in Canterlot by the end of the month.




“Why?” Luna demanded, slamming her hooves ineffectual into the bedspread. “Why? He can’t do this. You can’t let him do this.”

Strawberry Cupcake cooed as she stroked Luna’s hair. “Dear, dear Luna. I would fix it if I could.” Luna continued to sniffle and sob. “The world is rarely so kind.”

Luna lifted her head. Tears had traced deep tracks in her coat and her eyes were puffy and red. “But why?”

Cupcake sighed. “Ponies can be cruel, little Luna. Sometimes they’re even cruel when they think they’re helping us.”

“He hates me.” Luna buried her head back into her mother’s lap. “He’s always hated me.”

“That’s not true, dear.” Cupcake continued to stroke her mane. “He just doesn’t know how to show affection sometimes.”

Luna let out a derisive snort. “I didn’t ask to be a bastard.”

Cupcake lifted her by the chin. “Hey now, none of that language. No pony gets to chose how they’re born, but I wouldn’t change a thing, understand. No matter who your sire might be, you’re still my daughter.”

“But–”

“No buts.”

Luna sighed, ducking her head. “I’d still have rather been an earth pony. Then I could stay here. The baron wouldn’t care and everything would be perfect. Can’t you do something?” Luna murmured. “Please.”

“I can’t. I can’t tell the baron what to do any more than I can tell the sun to rise,” Cupcake explained, a tired smile on her face.

“He loved you, didn’t he?” Luna pressed. “Otherwise I...”

Cupcake shook her head, and Luna petered out. “I’m sorry, that’s not how the world works, little Luna. Your father... has a penchant for pretty young mares and as an assistant chef there was...” A sigh escaped her. “Lets just say, there was never much affection between us.”

Luna slumped. “It's hopeless then? I’m going to have to leave.”

“Yes.” For all Luna had expected the word, it still hurt to hear it. “But don’t cry, little Luna. It's not the end, just the beginning.”

“It's not fair,” Luna murmured, a deep sigh escaping her. “It's just not fair.”

Strawberry Cupcake said no more. Instead the pair just sat on the bed as the sun rose. For once Luna made no attempt to speed it on its way.

Soon enough Cupcake was called away by her duties leaving Luna to lie in silence, watching the world pass her by outside the window. For a while she imagined that she could stay there forever. In her mother’s room just letting time slip through her hooves with doom looming over her. It was a nice thought, but only a dream. Time, it seemed, had already run out.

The door slammed open.

“There you are!” Celestia exclaimed. “Finally, I’ve been looking all over. Come on, take this.” She reached over her shoulder and hurled a saddlebag at Luna, who only just managed to catch it.

“Wha–” Luna blinked, struggling to make sense of the sudden shock. Celestia was wearing an old surcoat and had a battered looking sword slung at her shoulder.

“Supplies, a few scraps of armour and lunch,” Celestia explained. “Now get a move on sleepy head. I’ve bribed Cob so we can sneak out.”

“Sneak out?” Luna exclaimed, bounding to her hooves. “Sneak out! It was sneaking around that got us into this mess!”

“I know, I know,” Celestia said, waving off her anger. “But I know exactly how we can fix it. We just need to raid the tomb.”

Luna couldn’t believe her ears. “Raid the tomb?” she echoed, trying and failing to conceive of a world where that was a sensible suggestion. “Why? What part of anything that’s happened makes you think that’s a good idea?” She found herself screaming, all of her rage finally bubbling over. “That damn tomb’s the whole reason that I’m getting sent away and all you can think of is the treasure. Get out of here!”

“But, Luna–”

“Out!” Luna tried to pick up her sister and hurl her from the room, but the spell wouldn’t form and instead she just splashed magic across the walls. Instead she tried to take matters into her own hooves, but for all her anger Celestia was still the bigger mare and instead she flailed ineffectual against her.

“Luna!”

Luna slumped against her sister’s barrel, her burst of strength spent. “Please, just go.”

Celestia pulled her into a hug. “I can fix this,” she assured her. “Trust me. When we come out of that tomb heroes, then the Baron won’t dare send you away. You’ll see. You’ll see.”




The tomb had grown no less imposing with a few days absence. Luna still wasn’t sure what had possessed her to follow Celestia. It could have been habit, or perhaps Luna could no longer cared for her own safety, but when offered the chance for one more adventure with her sister she couldn’t find the strength to say no.

“Here,” she said, pointing to a symbol. “The book mentioned this meant entrance. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Hurry, hurry, hurry,” Celestia chanted, bouncing on her hooves with excitement. “Come on, I can’t wait another moment.”

Luna rolled her eyes, but couldn’t keep the fond smile from her face. She kindled her horn and, one by one the crumbling runes lit with cold blue fire. A deep groaning from the bowels of the earth echoed around them before, inch by inch, the wall began to slide apart down the middle. Cold and stale air washed over the sisters as the tomb exhaled for the first time in centuries and Luna gagged at the scent of dust and decay.

“Careful,” she said, putting a hoof on Celestia’s barrel to stop her charging in. “They liked their traps.”

Casting her light as bright as she could, Luna took a hesitant step into the tomb, Celestia bobbing in her wake. It wasn’t the grand structure that she’d been expecting. In Radiance’s stories tombs were always inexplicably lit, vaulted halls, large enough for pegasi to roost. The Roe King’s was, however, oppressive and low ceilinged, with the occasional root reaching down to grasp at her horn. Save for a narrow path the whole space had been filled with life sized statues of armed and armoured deer.

“This is awesome,” Celestia murmured, trying to stare at everything at once.

Luna gave a shaky nod. So far so good.

As if summoned by the optimistic thought a grinding noise burst into being. The fillies started, pressing close against each other as they cast around. Celestia saw it first.

“The statues are moving!” she yelled, drawing her sword.

With dust pouring from them the deer statue nearest to them lowered its head to charge.

“Run!” Luna added, breaking into a blind gallop, doctor's orders be damned.

There was a clang of sword on stone, then Celestia joined her at her side. “Where are we running to?”

Luna didn’t answer, she had no idea. More statues were waking ahead of them as they streaked down row upon row of silent sentinels. The exit lay far behind but the idea of turning and fighting never crossed either mare’s mind, there were simply too many statues behind them.

They reached a wall a moment later.

“Feathering, feathering, feathers,” Luna swore, skidding to a halt. “Oh alicorns, we’re–”

It was pure chance her eyes alighted on a familiar run. “Yes, it's a door!”

“Wonderful! Open it,” Celestia snapped, parrying a slow buck from a deer.

Luna wasted no time, pouring her strength into the rune begging for the magic to spread faster. Slowly, ever so slowly, the door began to creep open with deep groan. The sound seemed to enrage the statue which charged as one implacable mass. Celestia bellowed a battlecry, hurling herself at the statutes. With far more enthusiasm than skill she hacked and kicked, spoiling the statues charge charge for just a moment.

“Come on. Come on!” Luna begged, her horn sparking as she willed the door to move faster.

There was a grunt and sick thud behind her. With a crash one of the statues slammed into the wall next to Luna, her sister impaled on its antlers.

“Tia!” Luna screamed. The door forgotten she gathered up every scrap of magic that she had and released it as an explosion of kinetic force that smashed the statue into pouder, leaving behind only a somewhat bewildered head.

Celestia groaned and slid down the wall, blood oozing from barrel and staining the wall behind her red.

For a moment Luna only started, but then was a flurry of motion and magic. With power drawn from desperation she dragged her sister through the partly open door, leapt through and slammed it shut in the face of the statues.

“Tia,” she said, rushing over. “Tia, are you okay?”

A wet rasp escaped Celstia’s mouth. She spluttered, pink froth pooling at the corners of her mouth. “This... hurts a lot more than in the stories,” she gasped, her head loolling. “Made it, though.”

Luna’s magic played over the wounds. She had a little healing magic but it was for scratches, not chest wounds, and didn’t have the faintest idea where to start. “It’ll be alright, Tia,” she said, frantically. “It’ll be alright.”

“‘Course it will,” Celestia said, with another bloody cough. “We got the treasure. Adventures always end when you’ve got the treasure.” She slumped, struggling to breathe.

Hyperventilating Luna sprang back, casting around for something, anything, to save her sister. Her eyes fell immediately on a crown set upon a worn stone casket. It was massive, holding a pair of antlers with more points that Luna had ever seen and festooned with magic rocks. It pulsed with power, a dull throb like the heartbeat of the earth.

The thought of Vane’s statue stayed her hoof for perhaps half a second, then she sprang and with no ceremony jammed the crown on her head. “I demand a boon!” she roared.

Time seemed to freeze, individual motes of dust pinned in the air like insects to a board. The sound of Celestia’s laboured breathing vanished, as did her own racing heartbeat in her ears.

“Well, I didn’t expect a pony.”

The voice startled Luna and she found herself face to face with a young faun. He smiled at her, Luna shied back.

“Still, it's nice to have company after so long.”

Luna blinked. “I... what?”

“Allow me to introduce myself, I’m the Roe King. I’m very please to meet you, little moon.”

“I’m...” Words failed her. Whatever she’d been expecting to happen when she donned the crown, it wasn’t that. “You seem a little young.”

The king giggled. “Well, I’m not really the king you see. I’m actually a shadow of a memory of his power. He made me to smite anydeer who dared wear his crown, but that was a very, very long time ago. All the deer he wanted dead are long since departed and I find the rage as faded after all these eons.”

Luna blinked. “So, you’re not going to smite me?”

“It would be rather rude.” The king smiled. “Especially to one as important as you. Or possibly as important as you will be. It gets rather hard to tell when you’re as old as I.”

Luna shook her head, deciding not to try and unpick that. “Please, sir. My sister–”

“Is fine. I saw you were rather pressed for time so I stopped it while we talked.” The king spun onto the tomb and looked her straight in the eye. “Now, what is it you wish, little moon?”

“Save my sister!”

He rolled his eyes. “That’s what you want, not what you wish. Come now, you’re wearing the Crown of Kings. Continents rose at its command. The rules of magic were reshaped to its whims. What do you wish from me?”

Luna paused. It was funny, she didn’t think that anypony had ever asked her what she wished for. Money, fame and adventure sprang to mind, but that was Celestia’s wish not hers. “I want everything to be as it was. I want to be with my sister again. I don’t want to go away or have to risk my life ever again.”

The king’s smile turned sad. “Alas, even I can’t stop time forever, little moon. We tried. We failed. And because of that we fell. Life only exists going forwards. One more try perhaps.”

“Right.” There were so many things that she would wish for. She could be Celestia’s sister in full, or take the power to do as she willed for the rest of her life. However, all her fancies were forgotten as she looked upon Celestia’s motionless form. In the end, there was only one thing that she’d ever really wanted.

“I wish that we were safe, happy and well.”

“Truly, no riches or magic?” Luna shook her head. “Hmm, a wise choice.” The king stood, and for a moment a gigantic stag was stood before Luna, his impossibly branching antlers brushing the ceiling. “Go with my blessing,” he boomed. “Little Sun and little Moon. Be well for the rest of your lives.”

Power rushed over the sisters and Luna remembered no more.




It was a bright and sunny day. The birds danced in the sky and the smell of fresh cut grass washed across the gathered ponies. Luna wore a bright new traveling cloak, saddlebags and a rather emotional Strawberry Cupcake who’d refused to let her go.

“Now you will write,” Cupcake continued, squeezing her tight. “Promise. Every week.”

“Every week,” Luna echoed, squeezing her back. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back for the solstice.”

“I know, I know.” Cupcake dabbed at her eyes with a hankee. “But I’ll still worry. Be safe, little Luna.”

“Stay safe, Mom.”

Luna pulled out of the hug.

“Make an adventure of it,” Radiance added, grinning.

“And remember you’re representing my house,” Comet added, darkly.

Luna rolled her eyes, but didn’t let him drag down her mood. After yet another round of goodbyes and well-wishes from the gathered ponies of the manor Luna made her excuses and departed with her escort of a couple of Radiance’s ponies. With a last look back at Everfree Manor, she set out upon the road to Canterlot.

Naturally Celestia caught up after just a few minutes.

“What are you doing?” Luna cocked an eyebrow at her sister. “Aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”

Celestia rolled her eyes and straightened her heavy saddlebags. A notched sword was slung over her back, bundled up in a bedroll. “I’m fine, fitter than ever actually. Not that Mom believes me.”

“You got impaled.”

“I got better.” Celestia flashed a cheek grin. “Besides, I couldn’t leave you behind.”

Luna paused. “This isn’t your adventure, you know.”

“I know. But I couldn’t let you face Canterlot all on your own! Sisters stick together.” Celestia took up place next to her.

“Really?” Luna cocked her head. “There’s going to be lots of books and studying.”

Celestia shrugged. “Hey, it's your adventure. You lead, I’ll follow for once.”

With a smile that wouldn’t fade for days, Luna turned to the horizon. She fancied she could already see Canterlot, perched atop the distant mountains. “Well then, let's go.”

She broke into a gallop, with Celestia and her retinue hot on her heels.
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#1 · 2
· · >>Fenton >>billymorph
First story on my slate, and hot damn does it impress top to bottom. A few typos and errant words here and there, and one half-typed use of "adventurer," but par for course on an 8 kiloword project.

In no particular order: I love the integration of Deer as a forerunner empire. If I'm reading right, the Deer are the OG Alicorns and seriously messed some stuff up in their quest to do whatever nigh-omnipotent societies do that inevitably cause their downfall. Just, delicious expansion of ungulate lore in the world.

Celestia as the rough and tumble, caution to the wind type is always a favorite, as it contrasts so heavily with her canonical (and even popular fanonical) depictions. Luna being pulled along for her schemes is lovely relationship building. Tangentially related: Having Celestia pull Luna along in the very beginning, and Luna's reaction to it, was a fantastic way to subtley show that we're not dealing with modern-day, or even ye olden, Alicorn Tia and Lulu, and by proxy set the time period in the very distant past.

Being half-sisters is just icing on the cake, especially with all the not-so-subtle racism (Classism, maybe, since the two are inextricably linked, and there doesn't seem to be any overt ill-will between species) going on. Luna showing so much love for her sister, despite her being ostensibly a commoner and a hazard to her own development, is fantastic. It makes what we—and apparently the Roe King—know is coming all the worse for both of them.

I'm starting to geek out at a Syndrome level, so I'll cut it short. Suffice it to say, I'm thoroughly enchanted by everything in this story.
#2 · 3
· · >>Fenton >>Ranmilia >>Monokeras >>billymorph
Meant to get my story reviews started yesterday, but got derailed by work projects and then a Search & Rescue callout. ;_;

First of all, this is currently sitting atop my slate, so thank you for an engaging read! I'm certainly partial to stories about best princesses, but this has an awful lot going for it that has nothing to do with best ponies — the intriguing headcanon, the family drama (and headcanon about the sisters' early lives), a strong core conflict between family and duty, great and believable character work. The writing flows well and I was engaged throughout; the first scene in particular was an excellent introduction to establish the character interplay and the core setup without leaning on exposition.

I do encourage you to take a close editing pass through the story before final publication. It's littered with typos and minor grammar goofs — e.g. "the mannor", "whitters" (for withers), "intent of her hooves" — but those are easily fixable and the core of the story is solid.

One minor suggestion:

“Told you it would be fun,” Celestia said, nudging Luna with an elbow. “You should trust your big sister more. And get a little more exercise, you’re getting flabby.”

Luna huffed. “Not all of us have magical stamina.”

“If you know what I mean,” Celestia interjected, waggling her eyebrows and the pair burst into peals of laughter.

“You’re incorrigible.”

“And you’re a pony.” Celestia stuck her tongue out, as they both giggled.


I can't help but feel like that last line should have been a bad joke about Luna being incorriged.

And one more significant complaint:

“Go with my blessing,” he boomed. “Little Sun and little Moon. Be well for the rest of your lives.”


This seems to me like a missed opportunity to turn the sisters into alicorns (unless you plan to continue the story and do it later on). The emotional tenor of the scene really felt like that was what it was building up to. (He commends her choice, which in fables is usually a signal that the wisher's humility is about to reap additional rewards.)

More problematically, that second sentence is rather odd considering that the Roe King knows how important they're going to be. That, and the nicknames, are a strong implication he has future knowledge; but if he knows who they're going to become, then he's lying — being banished for a thousand years is NOT "well for the rest of your lives".

I think the nature of that boon needs to either be significantly reworked, or the nature of his knowledge needs to be dramatically scaled back.

Regardless, a fine story here.

Tier: Top Contender
#3 ·
· · >>billymorph
Do you see >>Rao and >>horizon's review? Mix them up and you got mine. Voilà!
More seriously, I won't add much, I'll just emphasize some of the things that has already been said.

Like >>horizon, I was expecting the ending to be the sisters becoming alicorns. Everything seemed to lead to that point. If you do want to keep it that way and turn them into alicorns in a sequel, I would suggest to add more drama to that scene. By more drama, I mean that you focus even more on the tragedy at stakes, Celestia dying. Also, see >>horizon for what he said about Roe King's knowledge of the future.

That being said, this is a very compelling story. It felt a bit like headcannon all over my face but since we do have a great story among it all, I can't really blame you.

Thank you for your work.
#4 ·
· · >>Ranmilia >>billymorph
As with other story comments I've been doing, this is mostly a review-as-reaction, in sequence.

“True me, it’ll be fun.” Ouch! But I sympathize. Always painful to have a typo in the opening line.

"Earth pony" you say... interesting backstory we're going for it seems, before ascension of the diarchs.

Scrumping apples? Are we doing a Garden of Eden allegory?

"Galop" is a dance, "gallop" is horses running. "Ascent" is to climb, "assent" is to agree. Quite a few other typos are sneaking in as well. It's starting to become distracting.

I like the sisterly repertoire as they share an apple and talk about their father.

No idea what happened after "Next time..." with funny symbols and falling. Very confusing to visualize.

Grail is overly abrasive. That better be important to the story, not just "angry teacher" for nothing more than cliche. (Later, it seems it's not. Grail has nothing to do with the story.)

Interesting to see unicorns managing the sun in such an uncoordinated fashion.

The saying is "to and fro" not "to and throw."

Okay, I'll stop pointing out technical problems from here. There are a lot, and they've become very distracting, so no point in harping on them further.

We're halfway through the story or more, and I still have absolutely no idea what this story is about. There's been no hook or set up so far and I don't know if this is an adventure story, a drama, a tragedy, or a comedy. That's not good.

"The Roe King." There's a title drop if I've ever seen one. I had to stretch for "deer" in that meaning, since roe, in English, is mainly "fish eggs" with the specific deer species being secondary. It works, but... I kept smelling caviar. :-P

"I demand a boon" Where did this come from? There was talk of wishes before, but not boons. I get the call back, and know that "boon" is a "wish" in certain interpretation (more a favor or request though), but had to think too much to connect the two. Use the same phrase or the same word on callbacks or this sort of thing becomes weak, especially this much further on in the story.

The wishing... some deep and true stuff there. Well done!

Nice wrap-up in the ending.


Having finished the story, it feels odd to have the roles of Luna and Celestia (as primary/secondary) reversed. Nothing wrong with it, but it's unexplained and even unhinted how that reverses by the time we reach canon lore, where Celestia is the dour one, and Luna the younger, impish one.

I also think this has a problem of being far too long. We only first get a glimpse of the titular tomb in the old stallion's story about halfway through, and that's really where the story should start. The near-ending scene with Luna uses that callback fairly well, but... There are way, way too many words in this which don't actually contribute much to the tale. I really was halfway through the story without feeling "hooked" or interested in any way. This story meanders a lot, and while there's nothing directly wrong with that when intentional, I feel it really slows the pace of this particular tale. Short stories need to be effective and punchy, and that generally means little room for side-tracks, regardless of their world-building usefulness.

Overall I think this has a good story going, but... technical and pacing problems are a major impediment to getting that across. In other words: the imagination and ideas are there, but the manifestation and writing need a fair bit of work.
#5 ·
· · >>Posh >>billymorph
... wait, so if her mother is Strawberry Cupcake, does that make her Luna Cup?

Great Disney movie stuff here. See >>horizon for the definitive take on most of the strengths and weaknesses. I agree with >>Xepher on the pacing issues, too. (Though I wasn't quite as bothered by them. Probably because I've been powering through reviews all night and just got through several entries that suffer from the same issue, but more pronounced.)

One thing I don't see anyone asking yet, though: where's the "inspired by FIM" angle here? The setting and all its details are very far removed from anything identifiable as Equestria, and neither Celestia nor Luna seem particularly in character. Not that they're out of character, exactly, they're somewhere within the possibility cloud of an origin story, but I don't see much of anything particularly flagging them as their future selves.

You could take this piece, change nothing but the specific pony terms and names, and submit it to an Original Fiction round. It works as generic fantasy about any pair of youths. There IS a theme of friendship, and that's not nothing, but I would have preferred to see some more concrete anchors or ties to MLP so that we could dig further into specific reinterpretations. This isn't a dealbreaker issue, though - more of a missed opportunity.

Solid stuff, anyhow. Tells a complete story, evocative, easy to follow, going fairly high on my voting. Thanks for writing!
#6 ·
· · >>Rao >>billymorph
A Celestia and Luna origin story. Hrmph.

...That avoids all the cliches implied by that premise, and takes the story in a unique, creative direction.

Oh. Okay. I withdraw my hrmph.

I agree with >>Ranmilia about how disconnected this feels from the source material, but I also don't consider that a bad thing. We're at an indeterminate point in the distant past, and I don't mind so much that the setting is so far removed from the FiM we know and love. The resemblance is there; the trappings of this world and the seeds of what comes about later in the show are plainly visible. So I ain't mad about that.

I think the story is strongest when the focus is on Celestia and Luna, palling around and being sisters. They have a sweet bond, and their scenes are the most heartwarming. The stuff in the middle, at Casa de Luna, feels a bit plodding, by contrast. The story flops around in Luna's home life for a while, after a fairly strong introduction.

The mythos is great; the reversal with the deer crown is also great. I understand fully the message of this story, and I approve.

What I don't understand (and this might be an unusual thing to nitpick) are the familial dynamics between Celestia and Luna.

So, okay. Luna is the bastard half-daughter of Duke Bitch-Ass and one of his household servants, Strawberry Shortcake. She has a half-sister, Celestia, who is the legitimate daughter of Straw and another maid (or guard? something?) named Daring Dan. Cool.

Who here is the elder sibling? If it's Celestia, as in the show, then that would imply that either Strawberry Shortcake cuckolded her husband by crawling into bed with the lord of the manor (which seems precluded by the affectionate relationship between Daring Dan and Woona), or Lord Bitch-Ass forced himself on Strawberry Shortcake, a la Roose Bolton. Neither possibility is all that appealing, or family friendly, and this is a very family friendly story.

Is Luna the elder sibling? Then... that would make it a bit less icky, but it's also a serious departure from the show, wouldn't you say?

You could probably solve some of the problems here by making Daring Dan the uncle, or grandfather, of Celestia, rather than her father.

...Am I the only one who found that part confusing? Am I alone in my confusion?
#7 ·
· · >>Posh
>>Posh
I thought it fairly clear. Strawberry and her husband, Radiance (one of Lord Comet's guards) had Celestia. Sometime not too long thereafter, Strawberry, likely through no fault of her own, caught Comet's eye. And in these ye olden fiefdom-type times, one does not make it a habit to say no to your patron when he comes calling, particularly if one is of the lowest most class. They make it pretty clear that Earth Ponies aren't worth a whole helluva lot on the social hierarchy, despite ostensibly being the reason nobody starves to death.

Radiance and Strawberry seem to be on very good terms still, so I can't believe Luna's conception was a matter of intentional or malicious infidelity. Radiance doesn't seem to harbor any ill will toward his lord, and is fond enough of Luna, so I can only assume that occasionally knocking up the maids is just a thing that happens in this time.
#8 ·
· · >>Rao
>>Rao Ah. Third option, then.

...That really clashes with the family-friendly tone that the story's trying to take.
#9 · 1
·
>>Posh
I didn't really think it was going for a family-friendly type tone at all. I mean, there's the clearly implied breaking of the natural order by the deer forerunners. That's pretty grim. So is Radiance's story about his buddy being turned into a golden statue. It's not overtly violent until the end, but the overall tone, I'd say, is very open to the dramatic.
#10 ·
· · >>billymorph
This was a fun adventure, but I couldn't shake the feeling that they mostly succeeded here due to luck, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I like my heroes to really earn their triumphs, instead of simply stumbling into them. I'd like to have seen some of the interpersonal conflicts (Luna's poor relationship with her father, Celestia's foolhardiness) addressed and dealt with, but it all just seemed kinda swept aside at the end, and I found that somewhat unsatisfying. For most of this, I kinda wanted to knock some sense into little Celly, because she really was being kinda a jerk to Luna and dragging her into stupid, dangerous schemes.

Other than that, the character work was top-notch, the worldbuilding was fun, and the pacing was pretty good.

In some areas this was quite strong, but I ultimately found it less satisfying than I'd have liked.
#11 ·
· · >>billymorph
This is the kind of story that is right up my alley, which makes it a disappointing that I feel like I never really connected with it.

I think there are two problems (I'm going that a lot this round...) that really jump out at me.

1. I don't think the chemistry between Luna and Celestia is quite there. I'm having a hard time pointing at exactly what the issue is, but something about it just doesn't quite click. Maybe the dialogue isn't quite snappy enough or something? There is just something that isn't quite selling me on them bouncing off each other.

2. I think the story pulls in too many directions. The home life and the adventure don't really smoothly flow from one into the other, instead sort of providing a diversion. I'm really having trouble explaining this one. Basically, while the ideas link, they feel like two very different plot flows that coincidentally slam into each other, rather than one really informing the other.

This is a less major issue, but the family life here is... a little strange and doesn't quite feel like it parallels anything comfortably? I'm a little rusty, but I sorta feel a situation where everyone was still living in the household would just not occur. One or more of them would be out of that house.

Still, all that said, you have the heart of a charming little sword and sorcery romp here! I think a bit of polish and smoothing to really make everything link in a satisfactory manner will fix it up good.
#12 · 2
·
Aww man, I really thought this one was going for a medal. Ah well, there were some really strong entries this round so I'm not surprised I got squeezed out. Congrats to the medallists!

Now, on to a retrospective.

The Roe King's Tomb

I want to say before anything else, I had no idea why everyone keeps going on about fish eggs. I figured this is an across the pond thing, but in the UK I've never heard of a roe being anything other than a species of deer. A little googling suggests that roe is a fairly common term for fish eggs, but I'd honestly never heard of it being used like that. I guess I don't eat as much caviar as you guys ;)

So, onto the story. About 90% of issues this story had was time. I had a busy Friday and work on Monday, so this was more of a 48 hour challenge for me and the idea I had turned out to be way, way too long for the word limit. My pre-edit draft of this was 8,800 words so a full 10% of the story was chopped before I could post it. A lot of nuance and character ended up on the cutting room floor and worse than that I ran out of words for the end. The actual exploration of the tomb was supposed to be at least another 1,000 words to properly build up tension and the epilogue both lost a lot of character and one of the key points of the story. It was noted a few times that this was a missed chance to detail Celestia and Luna's ascension, but this was never that story. This was the story of how the sisters became immortal.

I did not have the room to explain this. Spelling it out was at least 200 words and by the time I realised I needed that segment I was way past 8,000. I had this as a potential post-epilogue snip:

"Oh, Luna. I was going to ask, when's the King's healing thingy going to wear off? Only, I nicked myself with a knife this morning and it healed before I could blink."

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure it'll fade in a few days."


But its not very funny, not descriptive and I really didn't have the words to spare. In the end I cut it and went with the more generic blessing interpretation.

The lack of space also prevented me from putting in many of the world-building elements I had in my back-pocket. This story is actually a prequel to another one of my write-off stories The Age of Harmony, although that's right at the end of Celestia and Luna's time as wandering adventurers and this is the very beginning. After that story got a really good reception I went away with Orbiting-Kettle and we brainstormed some ideas for a Sword and Celestia MLP setting full of dead gods, dead kingdoms and the pillars of the world crumbling beneath their hooves. I didn't really have time to write anything serious off the back of those, but I've been itching for the chance to use the setting for something.

Ultimately, if I was going to do anything to fix this story it would be to blow out the word limit and maybe double the length. Not sure if I'm going to do this, Ranmilia pointed out the FiM link isn't very strong so I might even re-write this as a wholly original setting. Better pacing, stronger world building and more space for the actual adventure would do a lot to improve the story.

>>Rao Thanks Rao, glad you had so much fun. This review brought a huge grin to my face, so thanks. One of my longest running themes with the Royal Sisters has always been the idea of 'still waters run deep', giving them far less regal and composed histories than other writers tend to and its great you enjoyed that interplay. Come to think of it, this is my fourth story with a bawdy and mischievous Celestia, so I'm surprised that didn't give me away.

I'm also pleased to see you picked up on the Deer references. There's so much narrative hidden away in the idea that the the Equestrians change the seasons and move the heavens. Its played as a harmony thing in the show, but you can also read it as a world that's so fundamentally broken that the ponies have to hoof turn the engine of creation. There's a lot of mileage to that idea, I think.

>>horizon Ah, spelling and grammar errors. I think 'a strong entry despite spelling and grammar issues' is my tagline on this site. Mostly it was an eyes too big for my stomach moment as I had at best an hour to edit this, and most of that time was cutting content to fit under the wire. Ah well, next time time management!

>>Fenton Thanks :) This was very-headcanony so that's a fair critique. I didn't go for the alicorn transformation in the end because I really didn't think enough had been done to really justify it. Instead I went with a more subtle boon that, alas, got lost in the shuffle.

>>Xepher Sorry to hear you slipped the hook, Xepher. Overall I agree with a lot of what you say, the story had too much in it to be tight but not enough to properly explain itself. Grail's a good example of a nice character, but there's just not enough room for his purpose (explaining the class system and Luna's mixed blood) to actually pay off in the story. I would have replaced his role with another scene with Comet with infinite time to tweak, but Write-off...

>>Ranmilia Urgh, that one's bad. Glad you had fun, though.

>>Posh
...That avoids all the cliches implied by that premise, and takes the story in a unique, creative direction.
I aim to please :D

While it got answered in comments, regarding family, feudal times are complex, messy and don't always conform to modern morality. But in short Strawberry had Celestia with Radiance then Luna with Comet. Whether she married Comet before having Celestia I never decided, it wouldn't be usual to marry late after both parents are well established and its definitely not unusual for the Lord of the Manor to sleep with the staff. A lost line mentioned Comet being more guilty about flubbing a contraceptive spell than being caught sleeping with Strawberry.

It would probably have been simpler to drop the half sibling thing, but it did a good job of pulling Luna in two very different directions. Which turned out to be pretty key to the drama.

>>Not_A_Hat Thanks Hat, a lot of the tomb scene got lost due to word count so I'll fully agree that there should have been more skill in exploring the tomb. Alas, time and words were against me.

>>AndrewRogue Sorry to hear I didn't grab you. Not sure what went wrong with the chemistry but I'm sure some polish will do a lot of good, as you said.

And that's all the comments. Thanks everyone for their feedback!

Now to get this, and like a dozen other Write-off stories, onto FiM...