Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
A Ghost of a Problem
Sugarcoat took a measured sip of tea, then sighed. “You know, Sunny Flare, it’s so nice to just not be―”
“Surrounded by idiots,” Sunny Flare interjected with a slight giggle after she bit carefully into her donut. “I can completely relate.” She chewed for a bit. “I understand having friends is considered a good thing, though.”
“Not to mention the future networking advantages though maintaining friendly communication,” Sugarcoat said as she rested her teacup in the saucer. “But having friends sucks.”
Sunny hummed as she took another bite of her donut. “What do you mean?”
“They just”―Sugarcoat clenched her teeth and grunted―“they just have the dumbest problems.”
“Like what?”
Lemon Zest stumbled into the kitchen, her face flush and her breathing ragged. She flashed a grin. “I just, uh, the door was unlocked. Did you get my text?”
Sugarcoat sipped again on her tea. “This is what I was talking about.”
Sunny returned the smile. “Oh, hey, Zesty! Is this the text about the ghost in your house?”
“Yeah,” Lemon said as she took a seat at the table with her two classmates.
“So, what’s the problem?” Sunny asked as she maintained the smile.
Lemon cupped her hands around her mouth and took a deep breath. “Guys.”
“Yes?” Sugarcoat asked as she set her cup down once again.
“… there’s a ghost in my house.”
Sunny Flare’s smile slowly softened into a slight frown. “Uh, I think we’re all on the same page with that already, yeah.” Sugarcoat groaned as she twirled a few strands of one of her twintails.
“Lemon,” Sugarcoat grunted, the hair-twirling starting to intermingle with slight tugging, “ghosts don’t exist.”
Lemon Zest glared at Sugarcoat. “Oh, no, you’re not pulling that on me.”
“Pulling what?” Sugarcoat intoned.
Sunny hummed. “Yeah, the only thing she’s pulling is her hair right now.” She shot a glance at Sugarcoat. “Which is rather unladylike.”
“I only do this when I’m in the company of idiots,” Sugarcoat said as she continued her tug-twirling.
“So you must have been yanking on your hair for a while before I got here,” Lemon said, which drew a scowl from Sunny. Sugarcoat slightly smirked before returning to her usual neutral expression.
“Anyway,” Sugarcoat said, “there’s no such thing as ghosts and you’re retarded for thinking there is.”
Lemon shrugged. “You’d also probably have called me retarded for suggesting that one of our classmates was going to turn into a multiverse destroying demon, but, you know―”
“Look,” Sugarcoat said as she stared at Lemon Zest, “just because Twilight briefly turned into a harbinger of the apocalypse doesn’t mean that spectral forms of the departed are in your house.” Sugarcoat exhaled, then grabbed her forehead. “I never thought I’d have to say that in my life.”
Sunny Flare furrowed her brow as she exchanged a glance between Lemon and Sugarcoat. “You know, Zesty has a point, as do you, Sugarcoat.”
Lemon and Sugarcoat looked at Sunny. “What?” they asked simultaneously.
“You’re both right,” Sunny said as she delicately bit into her donut. “The rules of reality have kind of changed, if you think about it. I mean, we just did a music video with girls who can grow wings and horsey ears,” she said, pantomiming ears with her hands.
Sugarcoat sneered at Sunny. “That doesn’t―” she sighed and buried her face into her palm ”―one doesn’t qualify the other. You can’t just start assuming everything is real because weird things with no precedent are happening.”
“Well, um,” Lemon said as she rested her jaw on her hand and looked at Sugarcoat, “there’s weird sounds coming from the attic and I feel super uncomfortable around my toaster.” She frowned. “You tell me what that is, then.”
“Probably your naiveté showing no precedent.” Sugarcoat sipped on her tea while receiving an unnoticed glare from Lemon Zest.
Sunny clasped her hands together and beamed. “That second part sounds like it could be an electrical thing! My mom has a thing that tests for that kind of stuff. A, uh, EMF thingy or whatever―”
“An EMF meter?” Lemon asked as she stared wide-eyed at Sunny. “I looked that up online but it looked super complicated to build. Is you mom a ghost hunter?”
“Um, no.” Sunny raised an eyebrow. “She’s an electrician. She uses it for, um”―she rubbed her face―”electrician stuff.”
Lemon Zest chortled. “It’s kind of funny that your mom’s an electrician because her name’s Solar Flare.”
“Ah, heh, yeah, I guess,” Sunny said as her eyes widened.
Sugarcoat snorted as she took another sip of her tea. Sunny glowered at Sugarcoat.
“Hey, she says it keeps her busy,” Sunny said as she crossed her arms, “and at least it adds more to society than your mom―”
“Networking with high-powered clients on behalf of my father.” Sugarcoat set her teacup down. “She’s actually been instrumental in closing a few deals.”
Sunny snorted. “From what I heard it’s more like she can’t close her―”
“A-ny-way,” Lemon interjected, “are you going to help me with my ghost problem or not?”
Sunny blinked, then nodded. “I’d be glad to help get to the bottom of this.”
Sugarcoat rolled her eyes. “It’s not like I had anything else planned this afternoon.”
“Wow, Zesty, your house is soooo small,” Sunny Flare said as she walked into Lemon Zest’s home, EMF meter in hand.
“As to be expected from a scholarship student,” Sugarcoat added, examining the premises.
Lemon Zest beamed. “Yep! I’m the first one in my family on track for college!”
“Apparently,” Sugarcoat said as she sat down on the couch, then grimaced. “This couch feels poor.”
“Uh, um―well, here’s the toaster, Sunny,” Lemon said as she waved in the direction of the toaster.
“Yeah, um,” Sunny said as she turned on the device, “I saw it when I got into the house, but thanks, Zesty.”
Lemon’s cheeks turned roseate as she grinned and chuckled weakly. “Oh, right. Of course.” Lemon looked at Sugarcoat. “Do you want anything to eat?”
Sugarcoat stared at the floor. ‘Um, I’d kind of feel bad taking food from a poor person―”
“Nonsense,” Lemon said, a slight sneer crossing her face as she walked into the kitchen, pulled a box of crackers out of the cabinet, and lobbed them onto the couch next to Sugarcoat. “My parents say that hospitality is the true show of wealth.”
Sugarcoat looked at Lemon, then the crackers, then took a sleeve of crackers out and opened it. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
“Yeah,’ Sunny said from the kitchen, “it looks like the area around your toaster is giving off some… stuff, it looks like.” She looked at Lemon and smiled. “I can ask my mom to take a look at it.”
Lemon pursed her lips and scratched the back of her head. “Um, I could ask for extra hours at the grocery store to―”
Sugarcoat looked up from her cracker feast. “You work at a grocery store?”
Lemon’s eyes darted around as she sulked. “Look, not all of us were born with silver spoons in our mouths.”
Sugarcoat snorted. “I actually have a golden spoon as a heirloom.”
“Whatever.” Lemon clenched her fist.
“Anyway,” Sunny Flare said as she patted Lemon on the back, “I could talk to my mom about doing it pro bono if you’d like.” She smiled. “As a favor to a friend.”
Lemon put a hand to her chest and the other on Sunny’s shoulder. “You’d do that? That’s―”
The three of them looked up when the sounds of errant scratching filtered in through the ceiling. Lemon shivered.
“That’s the ghost.”
Sugarcoat groaned. “It’s not a ghost. It’s probably a squirrel.” She stood up. “Where’s the attic?”
“Uh, uhm, follow me,” Lemon said as she waved Sunny and Sugarcoat to follow her. “The stairs are in my room.”
“The stairs are in your―ow!” Sugarcoat was cut off by Sunny yanking on one of her twintails and glaring at her. They entered Lemon’s bedroom to see her pulling down a trapdoor from the ceiling which unfolded into an extremely steep set of makeshift stairs, then gestured towards the new hole in the ceiling.
“There’s the attic,” Lemon said.
Sugarcoat eyed the attic stairs down. ”Poor people stairs.” Lemon shot daggers with her eyes at Sugarcoat, which Sugarcoat appeared to not notice. “Okay, get me a bat.”
Lemon looked at Sugarcoat. “What’s a bat going to do against a ghost―”
“It’s not a ghost. Just get me a bat.”
Sunny looked at Sugarcoat. “How can you be sure it’s not a―”
“It’s not a ghost!” Sugarcoat shouted. Lemon handed Sugarcoat a bat. “Thank you, Lemon Zest. Now let’s navigate these stairs…”
Sugarcoat carefully climbed the stairs into the attic, leaving Lemon Zest and Sunny Flare in Lemon’s room.
Lemon pouted. “I don’t like how Sugarcoat looks down on me.”
“I don’t think she means any harm by it, Zesty,” Sunny said before she sighed. “You know how she is. She just says whatever comes out of her mouth.”
“It still hurts,” Lemon says as she pursed her lips. “It’s like she thinks I’m some kind of idiot because my parents don’t have as much money as hers. I mean,” she said as she looked at Sunny, “there’s clearly something wrong with Sour Sweet and she doesn’t get this much trouble from Sugarcoat.”
Sunny put a hand on Lemon’s shoulder. “Sometimes actions speak louder than words, though. Even though she doesn’t think there’s a ghost in your attic, she still went in there expecting something dangerous.” Sunny returned Lemon’s look with a smile. “I’d say she considers you a friend.”
The corners of Lemon’s mouth turned up. “Yeah, I guess―”
Lemon Zest was cut off by the sounds of smashing wood and Sugarcoat shrieking, followed by Sugarcoat tumbling down the attic stairs into Sunny Flare.
Lemon Zest gasped as she looked at the contorted bodies of her friends. “Are you okay?”
“Ow.” Sugarcoat winced as she rolled off of Sunny Flare, the latter standing up and dusting herself off. “Yeah, I think I’m fine. Just got bit by a raccoon and tumbled down an entire flight of stairs.” She fingered the frame of her glasses. “I’m actually really surprised that my glasses didn’t break.”
“Rich people glasses, I guess.” Lemon looked at Sugarcoat. “So the raccoon was the ghost?”
“It is now,” Sugarcoat said with a grin as she waved the now-bloodstained bat a bit.
“Oh, thank you, you’re the best!” Lemon said as she hugged Sugarcoat, who let out a pained grunt. “Oh, sorry,” Lemon said with a chuckle, “let me get you something for the pain!” she said as she left her bedroom.
“And the bleeding!” Sugarcoat called out.
“Gotcha!”
Sunny Flare examined Sugarcoat’s body up and down. “Actually, do you want me to call 911?”
“Sunny,” Sugarcoat said as she turned her head to face Sunny, “have I ever told you how good of a friend you are?”
A vacant stare crossed Sunny’s face for a moment before she pulled out her phone. “… Yeah, I’m calling 911.”
Lemon Zest returned with two pills and a bandage in one hand and a glass of water in another. “Here, Sugarcoat, sit up and take these while I bandage your ankle.”
Sugarcoat grabbed the pills and the glass, then examined the pills that Lemon Zest had handed her. “Are these store brand―ow!”
Lemon looked at Sugarcoat with a smile. “Have to disinfect the wound before I wrap it up.”
Sugarcoat hummed, then shrugged and swallowed the pills. “I am in a transcendent amount of pain right now.”
“You did just fall down poor people stairs,” Lemon said as she finished bandaging Sugarcoat’s ankle.
Sugarcoat chortled. “I can’t imagine they’d hurt any more than my stairs.” Lemon chortled as well.
“Okay,” Sunny said, “someone will be here shortly. I also told them to send animal control on account of there now being a dead raccoon in the attic.”
“You mean a raccoon ghost,” Sugarcoat said with an impish grin.
A vacant stare crossed Lemon Zest’s face. “…yeah, you need to go to the hospital.”
“Eh,” Sugarcoat said as she laid back down, “it’s probably just a coping mechanism from encountering a near-death experience compounded with the adrenaline rush from the recent battle.”
Sunny pursed her lips and stared blankly at Sugarcoat.
“She means killing a raccoon and falling down the stairs is making her wacky,” Lemon said.
Sunny clasped her hands together and nodded. “Okay, then, I’ll take your word for it.”
Lemon Zest caught Sugarcoat twirl-tugging on one of her twintails. Sugarcoat looked Lemon in the eyes and motioned with her own towards Sunny, whereupon they shared a muffled giggle.
Pics
“Oh, hey, Zesty! Is this the text about the ghost in your house?”
“Yeah,” Lemon said as she took a seat at the table with her two classmates.
“So, what’s the problem?” Sunny asked as she maintained the smile.
Lemon cupped her hands around her mouth and took a deep breath. “Guys.”
“Yes?” Sugarcoat asked as she set her cup down once again.
“… there’s a ghost in my house.”
I saw this coming a mile away, and I still smiled.
This is a charming, if unremarkable, slice of life story, with an interesting bit of headcanon that gives its characters a fresh and interesting dynamic. They're all distinct, and well characterized, and they play off each other well.
But... I think Sugarcoat loses her personality at the end, and I'm not sure the story's built-in explanation is sufficient to cover why. I also don't feel like she gains anything from the experience, or learns anything, or changes in any meaningful way. At the very least, you'd expect her to lighten up on Lemon Zest without suffering cranial trauma...
I will disagree a bit with the others on this one. While the overall story is pretty nice, the first half wasn't that engaging. Most of it is one character doing an action, and then saying one line or two, or vice versa, before jumping to another character. That doesn't feel like a writing story but more than dialog sketches for an episode. The animators know what they need to do, and same for the voice actors. However, the dialogs are pretty good and there is an interesting dynamic between the three.
The second half's flow felt much smoother. The dynamic you've started keeps going on with the same quality and it was still pleasant to watch them interacting.
I'm a bit more concerned by what the story tells. I mean, what is at stakes didn't feel important for the characters (and thus for me). I'm not saying that you should have aimed for bigger stakes — after all, Slice of Life stories don't rely on high stakes, that's kinda the core of this genre — what I'm saying is that I feel you aimed for Lemon Zest realising who really is Sugar Coat and that she doesn't mean any harm, but it felt like a consequence of your story, not the main focus.
Since I don't really know well Crystal Preps students (we don't see them much), I can't really say if their voice are spot-on or not. However, this line felt a bit too harsh for Sugarcoat:
From what I saw, Sugar Coat is simply blunt. Using "retarded" is too offensive for her character.
Now bear with me if you want to see a longer explanation with the help of linguistic, or just skip to the last part (beware that I may be completely wrong in my next claims, since I'm not a native)
Adjectives can be divided in several categories. The two main ones are the objective and subjective adjectives. The first category gathers the adjectives we use to describes things in the most neutral way possible, adjectives like "big, tall, small, blue, cold etc". The second category gathers the adjectives we use to describe things that are more personnal, that are more linked to subjectivity, and can be subdivided between the emotionnal and evaluative adjectives. I won't go any further than that for these, that's besides the point I'm trying to make.
I'm almost sure "retarded" falls in the second category and that's a bit OoC for Sugarcoat, IMO. All of her lines we hear in the movie and the EQG specials state facts. She simply describes the "objective truth", without sugarcoating her speech.You avoided to be completely OoC thanks to the "for thinking there is".
Indeed, there is a difference when you say:
And
The first one claims that the idea of ghost existing is stupid in itself, while the second claims that the person is stupid, and by saying she thinks ghosts exists, she has just shown she is a stupid person.
The difference is subtle but in this case, it is important somehow. But anyway, I'll stop here for now.
So overall, it's a nice Slice of Life story. I suggest to rework the first-half to make it flows smoother, and also emphasize what is at stakes in your story. Thank you for sharing.
The second half's flow felt much smoother. The dynamic you've started keeps going on with the same quality and it was still pleasant to watch them interacting.
I'm a bit more concerned by what the story tells. I mean, what is at stakes didn't feel important for the characters (and thus for me). I'm not saying that you should have aimed for bigger stakes — after all, Slice of Life stories don't rely on high stakes, that's kinda the core of this genre — what I'm saying is that I feel you aimed for Lemon Zest realising who really is Sugar Coat and that she doesn't mean any harm, but it felt like a consequence of your story, not the main focus.
Since I don't really know well Crystal Preps students (we don't see them much), I can't really say if their voice are spot-on or not. However, this line felt a bit too harsh for Sugarcoat:
“Anyway,” Sugarcoat said, “there’s no such thing as ghosts and you’re retarded for thinking there is.”
From what I saw, Sugar Coat is simply blunt. Using "retarded" is too offensive for her character.
Now bear with me if you want to see a longer explanation with the help of linguistic, or just skip to the last part (beware that I may be completely wrong in my next claims, since I'm not a native)
Adjectives can be divided in several categories. The two main ones are the objective and subjective adjectives. The first category gathers the adjectives we use to describes things in the most neutral way possible, adjectives like "big, tall, small, blue, cold etc". The second category gathers the adjectives we use to describe things that are more personnal, that are more linked to subjectivity, and can be subdivided between the emotionnal and evaluative adjectives. I won't go any further than that for these, that's besides the point I'm trying to make.
I'm almost sure "retarded" falls in the second category and that's a bit OoC for Sugarcoat, IMO. All of her lines we hear in the movie and the EQG specials state facts. She simply describes the "objective truth", without sugarcoating her speech.You avoided to be completely OoC thanks to the "for thinking there is".
Indeed, there is a difference when you say:
It's stupid to think ghosts exist.
And
You are stupid if you think ghosts exist.
The first one claims that the idea of ghost existing is stupid in itself, while the second claims that the person is stupid, and by saying she thinks ghosts exists, she has just shown she is a stupid person.
The difference is subtle but in this case, it is important somehow. But anyway, I'll stop here for now.
So overall, it's a nice Slice of Life story. I suggest to rework the first-half to make it flows smoother, and also emphasize what is at stakes in your story. Thank you for sharing.
Disclaimer: Review-as-reaction for most of this.
Three OCs (or unknown-to-me background ponies I can't remember) in the first seven exchanges of dialog. That's burning through reader attention at a high rate to start.
"There’s no such thing as ghosts and you’re retarded for thinking there is." *Sigh* There are totally going to be ghosts, aren't there? If not, then this is a red herring.
Hitting technical problems. "Is you mom a ghost hunter?" *cringe* There's a lot of focus on ghosts. The title is about ghosts. This really better be a ghost story or I'll be rather annoyed.
“It’s kind of funny that your mom’s an electrician because her name’s Solar Flare.” Why is this funny? Seriously, I feel I'm missing something (beyond "massive solar flares can cause electrical disturbances.")
Insert "my mom can beat up your mom" trope here.
What's with the toaster? The toaster better be important.
Switching between "Lemon" and "Zesty" to refer to the same character gets a tad confusing. Pick one.
The whole "poor person" thing feels overplayed. Knowing nothing about these characters, I can't tell if it's genuine animosity, or a friendly jibe among best buds.
Not knowing where a friend works (the supermarket)? This is strange.
"There’s clearly something wrong with Sour Sweet" Okay, this new character better be important to the plot. Still no idea who this now-fourth-new-pony/person is, but if she's being named dropped, it better be important.
"It is now!" and a bloody bat. Nice!
Giving pills after a potential head injury and fall? WTF? Is she plotting to kill her?
And... I have no idea what to make of this at the end. Three girls who may or may not love/hate each other fight a ghost that turns out to be a raccoon. They mention a fourth girl that is completely irrelevant, while one girl attempts to drug/kill the girl with the concussion that is only just now appearing friendly toward her. There are also three major red herrings. A toaster, a ghost, and a fourth girl, Sour Sweet. All of these are brought up, and none of them have anything what-so-ever to do with the story. Author, please see Chekov's Gun.
And yeah... I'm lost. The writing is decent on the surface, but I'm not finding the take-away message. It seems to be just a "description of some things that happened" for the most part, and a confusing ending at best. Unless it's trying to be dark.
Is Lemon Zest trying to kill Sugarcoat for revenge for former insults (like calling her a retard)? It seems so. She lures her into her house with a fake ghost story, sets her up with rickety attic "stairs" to fall down, and then, when Sugarcoat does fall (and it was only a planted/known raccoon) and hits her head with a possible concussion (where you should keep someone awake and alert), Lemon Zest gives her pills to make her fall asleep and finally finish her off.
I'm not convinced the author intended that, but... without that, the story just feels kind of bland, and a little too confusing to really hook me. Again, not badly written, but just drops too many new characters without enough focus to make me genuinely care for any of them in particular.
Three OCs (or unknown-to-me background ponies I can't remember) in the first seven exchanges of dialog. That's burning through reader attention at a high rate to start.
"There’s no such thing as ghosts and you’re retarded for thinking there is." *Sigh* There are totally going to be ghosts, aren't there? If not, then this is a red herring.
Hitting technical problems. "Is you mom a ghost hunter?" *cringe* There's a lot of focus on ghosts. The title is about ghosts. This really better be a ghost story or I'll be rather annoyed.
“It’s kind of funny that your mom’s an electrician because her name’s Solar Flare.” Why is this funny? Seriously, I feel I'm missing something (beyond "massive solar flares can cause electrical disturbances.")
Insert "my mom can beat up your mom" trope here.
What's with the toaster? The toaster better be important.
Switching between "Lemon" and "Zesty" to refer to the same character gets a tad confusing. Pick one.
The whole "poor person" thing feels overplayed. Knowing nothing about these characters, I can't tell if it's genuine animosity, or a friendly jibe among best buds.
Not knowing where a friend works (the supermarket)? This is strange.
"There’s clearly something wrong with Sour Sweet" Okay, this new character better be important to the plot. Still no idea who this now-fourth-new-pony/person is, but if she's being named dropped, it better be important.
"It is now!" and a bloody bat. Nice!
Giving pills after a potential head injury and fall? WTF? Is she plotting to kill her?
And... I have no idea what to make of this at the end. Three girls who may or may not love/hate each other fight a ghost that turns out to be a raccoon. They mention a fourth girl that is completely irrelevant, while one girl attempts to drug/kill the girl with the concussion that is only just now appearing friendly toward her. There are also three major red herrings. A toaster, a ghost, and a fourth girl, Sour Sweet. All of these are brought up, and none of them have anything what-so-ever to do with the story. Author, please see Chekov's Gun.
And yeah... I'm lost. The writing is decent on the surface, but I'm not finding the take-away message. It seems to be just a "description of some things that happened" for the most part, and a confusing ending at best. Unless it's trying to be dark.
Is Lemon Zest trying to kill Sugarcoat for revenge for former insults (like calling her a retard)? It seems so. She lures her into her house with a fake ghost story, sets her up with rickety attic "stairs" to fall down, and then, when Sugarcoat does fall (and it was only a planted/known raccoon) and hits her head with a possible concussion (where you should keep someone awake and alert), Lemon Zest gives her pills to make her fall asleep and finally finish her off.
I'm not convinced the author intended that, but... without that, the story just feels kind of bland, and a little too confusing to really hook me. Again, not badly written, but just drops too many new characters without enough focus to make me genuinely care for any of them in particular.
>>Xepher
I came back to backup the author. While several of your point are valid (and I agree with them), I think some aren't, since it seems you didn't see the Equestria Girls Movies (not really a fault on your part).
Sugarcoat, Sunny Flare and Lemon Zest are three secondary characters from the third movie, Equestria Girls: The Friendship Games (with a killer intro song). Their personnality mirrored those of the main 6, but slightly distorted. Sugarcoat (mirroring Applejack) is blunt, Lemon Zest (mirroring Pinkie Pie) is enthusiastic and is supposed to not respect personal space (but it's Pinkie Pie we're talking about, so it's hard to surpassbest human/pony her), and Sunny Flare (mirroring Rarity) I don't quite remember what main character trait from Rarity she has.
See the links below for more details:
Lemon Zest
Sunny Flare
Sugarcoat
And that's it. I don't know if this will improve your judgement on the story or not, but I felt like you should know that these characters weren't OCs or obscure background characters, but actual characters from one of the spin-off movie (and the last EQG specials).
I came back to backup the author. While several of your point are valid (and I agree with them), I think some aren't, since it seems you didn't see the Equestria Girls Movies (not really a fault on your part).
Sugarcoat, Sunny Flare and Lemon Zest are three secondary characters from the third movie, Equestria Girls: The Friendship Games (with a killer intro song). Their personnality mirrored those of the main 6, but slightly distorted. Sugarcoat (mirroring Applejack) is blunt, Lemon Zest (mirroring Pinkie Pie) is enthusiastic and is supposed to not respect personal space (but it's Pinkie Pie we're talking about, so it's hard to surpass
See the links below for more details:
Lemon Zest
Sunny Flare
Sugarcoat
And that's it. I don't know if this will improve your judgement on the story or not, but I felt like you should know that these characters weren't OCs or obscure background characters, but actual characters from one of the spin-off movie (and the last EQG specials).
>>Fenton
Ah, okay, so they were canon in one of the EgQ movies, and I genuinely thank you for pointing that out. But... that's still "obscure background characters" to me. (Also, as a sidenote, I thought "Legend of Everfree" was the most recent EqG movie and it DEFINITELY had the best song intro!) I did see all the EqG movies, but only saw them once each, and these characters obviously weren't memorable enough to me to recall their names. I will admit Friendship Games was my least favorite of the EqG movies though, so take my opinion with a grain of salt if you feel otherwise.
But... Even if these characters had been front and center the entire movie, that'd give them maybe 90 minutes of screen time total vs. the 100+ hours of the mane 6, and the thousands of hours they and the other standard "fandom" faves have in fanfic. E.g. everyone knows Vinyl Scratch and Octavia, even without them having much canon screen time. "DJ PON-3" shows up on fimfic tagged in 3,154 stories. "Octavia" 3,300. Even "Photo Finish" is at 104. But "Lemon Zest" is 49, "Sugarcoat" 51, and Sunny Flare is only 28, and most of those overlap. I'm sorry, but I hope you can forgive me for considering them background.
That said, I'm not docking the author for the characters being original or not, and I admit my own knowledge may be be limited, simply by preference/exposure, but... relying solely on characters that were, at best, a vague blur in overall canon is a risk for exactly these reasons. Using them in an original short years after their only appearance in canon (and by "canon" I mean, a spin-off that even the show runners have publicly declared is not canon) makes it hard for me to keep track of which is which, and I certainly don't have a full mental build of who each of them is, what their motivations are, their attitudes, etc. as I do with "known" ponies/characters.
So, while I appreciate when authors use "background" material and characters rather than going full OC, I still feel that when they do so, they have to treat it more like original fiction, and explain things fully, rather than relying on the audience to completely understand all the details of a character like you can with a main cast member in normal fanfiction. Again, I'm not judging too harshly for this, but even as I read the wikia pages for these characters, pretty much all my opinions still feel valid. The additional knowledge doesn't help me close any gaps in what the main story is here, what the toaster is about, why Sour Sweet is mentioned, the ghost references, or why one of them is giving pills to another that's just had a head injury.
Again, no offense or insult is intended. This isn't a bad story, but it just doesn't click for me personally I guess. I don't know what the moral/message is, and even with new/reminded knowledge of these three girl's canon, I still don't feel strongly enough about any them to be hooked in by this tale I'm afraid.
Ah, okay, so they were canon in one of the EgQ movies, and I genuinely thank you for pointing that out. But... that's still "obscure background characters" to me. (Also, as a sidenote, I thought "Legend of Everfree" was the most recent EqG movie and it DEFINITELY had the best song intro!) I did see all the EqG movies, but only saw them once each, and these characters obviously weren't memorable enough to me to recall their names. I will admit Friendship Games was my least favorite of the EqG movies though, so take my opinion with a grain of salt if you feel otherwise.
But... Even if these characters had been front and center the entire movie, that'd give them maybe 90 minutes of screen time total vs. the 100+ hours of the mane 6, and the thousands of hours they and the other standard "fandom" faves have in fanfic. E.g. everyone knows Vinyl Scratch and Octavia, even without them having much canon screen time. "DJ PON-3" shows up on fimfic tagged in 3,154 stories. "Octavia" 3,300. Even "Photo Finish" is at 104. But "Lemon Zest" is 49, "Sugarcoat" 51, and Sunny Flare is only 28, and most of those overlap. I'm sorry, but I hope you can forgive me for considering them background.
That said, I'm not docking the author for the characters being original or not, and I admit my own knowledge may be be limited, simply by preference/exposure, but... relying solely on characters that were, at best, a vague blur in overall canon is a risk for exactly these reasons. Using them in an original short years after their only appearance in canon (and by "canon" I mean, a spin-off that even the show runners have publicly declared is not canon) makes it hard for me to keep track of which is which, and I certainly don't have a full mental build of who each of them is, what their motivations are, their attitudes, etc. as I do with "known" ponies/characters.
So, while I appreciate when authors use "background" material and characters rather than going full OC, I still feel that when they do so, they have to treat it more like original fiction, and explain things fully, rather than relying on the audience to completely understand all the details of a character like you can with a main cast member in normal fanfiction. Again, I'm not judging too harshly for this, but even as I read the wikia pages for these characters, pretty much all my opinions still feel valid. The additional knowledge doesn't help me close any gaps in what the main story is here, what the toaster is about, why Sour Sweet is mentioned, the ghost references, or why one of them is giving pills to another that's just had a head injury.
Again, no offense or insult is intended. This isn't a bad story, but it just doesn't click for me personally I guess. I don't know what the moral/message is, and even with new/reminded knowledge of these three girl's canon, I still don't feel strongly enough about any them to be hooked in by this tale I'm afraid.
Honestly, I feel like I just read Equestria Girls meets Clueless or something.
Like Xepher, I'm totally blanking on the Crystal Prep kids (which is awkward since this didn't seem consistent with what I thought I recalled of Lemon Zest).
I feel like this piece totally hinges on how you respond to the characters and the humor. I came in not liking the characters, and thus didn't really end up enjoying this overmuch.
Sorry, not really a ton to say on this one. Mostly just a "not for me" story.
Like Xepher, I'm totally blanking on the Crystal Prep kids (which is awkward since this didn't seem consistent with what I thought I recalled of Lemon Zest).
I feel like this piece totally hinges on how you respond to the characters and the humor. I came in not liking the characters, and thus didn't really end up enjoying this overmuch.
Sorry, not really a ton to say on this one. Mostly just a "not for me" story.
Mmph. Same as the rest here. I don't care much about whether they're OCs or not, but otherwise share the reactions of >>Xepher and >>AndrewRogue. These kids are not very nice, and I'm forced to concentrate on their abrasive banter because there isn't much going on in the story otherwise.
Mind you, they are clearly intentionally abrasive, so that's a complement to the writing! I do think it tries a little too hard, though, especially the repeated harping on "poor people" and the use of "retarded" (which, at least to me, is a word that has definitely fallen entirely out of polite English conversation and into the category of being a slur.) It might have been nice to show more of the girls' friendlier sides to contrast and contextualize their insults.
It's rare for writing to need more adjectives, but I think the above sequence is a good case for needing some of them. How are the characters saying and doing all these things? What are the tones I'm supposed to take away as a reader? That sort of flavor is the biggest missing element here, especially for such a character-focused piece.
This probably slots in lower-mid tier to me, but it's a decent effort, the prose is solid and it could rise quite a ways with a relatively small amount of further polish on the plot and characterization. Thanks for writing!
Mind you, they are clearly intentionally abrasive, so that's a complement to the writing! I do think it tries a little too hard, though, especially the repeated harping on "poor people" and the use of "retarded" (which, at least to me, is a word that has definitely fallen entirely out of polite English conversation and into the category of being a slur.) It might have been nice to show more of the girls' friendlier sides to contrast and contextualize their insults.
Lemon Zest returned with two pills and a bandage in one hand and a glass of water in another. “Here, Sugarcoat, sit up and take these while I bandage your ankle.”
Sugarcoat grabbed the pills and the glass, then examined the pills that Lemon Zest had handed her. “Are these store brand―ow!”
Lemon looked at Sugarcoat with a smile. “Have to disinfect the wound before I wrap it up.”
Sugarcoat hummed, then shrugged and swallowed the pills. “I am in a transcendent amount of pain right now.”
“You did just fall down poor people stairs,” Lemon said as she finished bandaging Sugarcoat’s ankle.
Sugarcoat chortled. “I can’t imagine they’d hurt any more than my stairs.” Lemon chortled as well.
“Okay,” Sunny said, “someone will be here shortly. I also told them to send animal control on account of there now being a dead raccoon in the attic.”
It's rare for writing to need more adjectives, but I think the above sequence is a good case for needing some of them. How are the characters saying and doing all these things? What are the tones I'm supposed to take away as a reader? That sort of flavor is the biggest missing element here, especially for such a character-focused piece.
This probably slots in lower-mid tier to me, but it's a decent effort, the prose is solid and it could rise quite a ways with a relatively small amount of further polish on the plot and characterization. Thanks for writing!