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Why We Ignore Elephants
"Twilight, there's an elephant in our kitchen."
Twilight, reading on her throne, didn’t even bother looking up from her book.
“No there isn’t, Spike.”
Spike peeked his head back through the door he’d just come through. A loud trumpeting echoed through the halls of the castle.
He came back out.
“Twilight, there really is an elephant in the kitchen.”
She sighed. “No, Spike, there really isn’t.”
“It’s eating all the oatmeal.”
She paused.
“…The cheap stuff, or?”
“The imported stuff you have to set aside portions of the state budget for.”
“…Oh.” Setting her book down on arguably the most important coffee table in Equestria, she got up and walked over to the doorway, poking her head inside.
After a moment, she withdrew.
“Well, this is a problem.”
“I told you.”
“No, Spike, you’re missing the point here,” Twilight said. “I already knew the elephant was there.”
Spike cocked his eyebrow. “Then why did you pretend it wasn’t?”
“It’s a cultural thing.”
He remained unconvinced. “…A cultural thing.”
“Yes, Spike. Elephants have a very fascinating culture, with many varied and strict traditions. There are two very important ones: elephants must always travel in twos, and no one must acknowledge their presence.”
“Acknowledging their existence violates their cultural traditions?”
“Yes Spike. It’s very, very taboo.” Twilight said. “And could you imagine what it would mean if I, as a crowned princess of Equestria, were to do such a thing? It would be a political disaster!”
“…You just didn’t want to acknowledge that you were wrong.”
“No, Spike,” Twilight said, “I’m very serious. This is a matter of international importance. Princess Celestia has worked very hard to strengthen our relationship with the elephants over the past two centuries, and I am not going to ruin that!”
“How did she negotiate relations with a people she can’t acknowledge the existence of?”
“I… have no idea, but it probably required the kind of wisdom you can only gain after living for over a millennia.”
“And probably a lot of tea.”
“That too.”
The two of them peeked back inside the kitchen for a moment.
“He’s really tearing through those oats, isn’t he?”
“Yep.”
“…How much will those cost to replace again?”
“More than we can afford this month.”
“Right,” Spike said. “So, what do we do about him?”
“That’s the thing, Spike, I’m not sure there’s anything we can do. Not without causing an international incident.”
“So what, we ignore it until it goes away? Give up on the oats?”
“…I didn’t say that.”
“So, what?” Spike asked. “You can’t have your oats and let him eat them too, you know.”
“I could levitate them away from him.”
“Wouldn’t that still mean you’re acknowledging that he’s eating them? Or does that not count?”
Twilight’s face scrunched up. “I have no idea.”
“Could we maybe distract him somehow?”
“We could try…” Twilight called forth the mighty arcane forces at her command, lighting her horn and weaving a delicate web of spellwork. A bang like that of a popping balloon echoed through the chamber.
Twilight and Spike peeked their heads in again.
“It worked, he’s looking—oh, wait, he went back to the oats.”
They pulled their heads back.
I think,” Twilight said, “We’re going to need a bigger distraction.”
“I could go get Trixie,” Spike offered. “She’s the most distracting pony we know.”
“…”
“Yeah, I see your point. Can you do a louder one?”
“Cover your ears.”
Twilight once again charged her horn, this time unleashing a bang akin to a party cannon.
Spike uncovered his ears. He could still hear the shot echoing through the halls.
“The castle is really echo-y today.”
“Quiet.”
They peeked their heads back in.
They peeked their heads back out.
“Why did he even have earplugs?”
“Tradition.”
“Ah.”
Another trumpet sounded from inside.
“I think he just finished the oats.”
“Sounds like it.”
The approaching sound of lumbering footsteps added credence to this theory. Twilight and Spike made sure to look away from the elephant as it walked past them, Spike adding an innocent whistle just in case.
When the elephant was well out of sight, they turned back to one another.
“Well, that was a waste of time. Maybe we should have just ignored it until it went away.”
“Hindsight is 20/20,” Twilight said.
“Well, I’ve learned my lesson,” Spike said.
“…I feel like there’s a joke here that we’re both missing.”
“Oh good, I thought it was just me,” said the other elephant in the room.
Twilight, reading on her throne, didn’t even bother looking up from her book.
“No there isn’t, Spike.”
Spike peeked his head back through the door he’d just come through. A loud trumpeting echoed through the halls of the castle.
He came back out.
“Twilight, there really is an elephant in the kitchen.”
She sighed. “No, Spike, there really isn’t.”
“It’s eating all the oatmeal.”
She paused.
“…The cheap stuff, or?”
“The imported stuff you have to set aside portions of the state budget for.”
“…Oh.” Setting her book down on arguably the most important coffee table in Equestria, she got up and walked over to the doorway, poking her head inside.
After a moment, she withdrew.
“Well, this is a problem.”
“I told you.”
“No, Spike, you’re missing the point here,” Twilight said. “I already knew the elephant was there.”
Spike cocked his eyebrow. “Then why did you pretend it wasn’t?”
“It’s a cultural thing.”
He remained unconvinced. “…A cultural thing.”
“Yes, Spike. Elephants have a very fascinating culture, with many varied and strict traditions. There are two very important ones: elephants must always travel in twos, and no one must acknowledge their presence.”
“Acknowledging their existence violates their cultural traditions?”
“Yes Spike. It’s very, very taboo.” Twilight said. “And could you imagine what it would mean if I, as a crowned princess of Equestria, were to do such a thing? It would be a political disaster!”
“…You just didn’t want to acknowledge that you were wrong.”
“No, Spike,” Twilight said, “I’m very serious. This is a matter of international importance. Princess Celestia has worked very hard to strengthen our relationship with the elephants over the past two centuries, and I am not going to ruin that!”
“How did she negotiate relations with a people she can’t acknowledge the existence of?”
“I… have no idea, but it probably required the kind of wisdom you can only gain after living for over a millennia.”
“And probably a lot of tea.”
“That too.”
The two of them peeked back inside the kitchen for a moment.
“He’s really tearing through those oats, isn’t he?”
“Yep.”
“…How much will those cost to replace again?”
“More than we can afford this month.”
“Right,” Spike said. “So, what do we do about him?”
“That’s the thing, Spike, I’m not sure there’s anything we can do. Not without causing an international incident.”
“So what, we ignore it until it goes away? Give up on the oats?”
“…I didn’t say that.”
“So, what?” Spike asked. “You can’t have your oats and let him eat them too, you know.”
“I could levitate them away from him.”
“Wouldn’t that still mean you’re acknowledging that he’s eating them? Or does that not count?”
Twilight’s face scrunched up. “I have no idea.”
“Could we maybe distract him somehow?”
“We could try…” Twilight called forth the mighty arcane forces at her command, lighting her horn and weaving a delicate web of spellwork. A bang like that of a popping balloon echoed through the chamber.
Twilight and Spike peeked their heads in again.
“It worked, he’s looking—oh, wait, he went back to the oats.”
They pulled their heads back.
I think,” Twilight said, “We’re going to need a bigger distraction.”
“I could go get Trixie,” Spike offered. “She’s the most distracting pony we know.”
“…”
“Yeah, I see your point. Can you do a louder one?”
“Cover your ears.”
Twilight once again charged her horn, this time unleashing a bang akin to a party cannon.
Spike uncovered his ears. He could still hear the shot echoing through the halls.
“The castle is really echo-y today.”
“Quiet.”
They peeked their heads back in.
They peeked their heads back out.
“Why did he even have earplugs?”
“Tradition.”
“Ah.”
Another trumpet sounded from inside.
“I think he just finished the oats.”
“Sounds like it.”
The approaching sound of lumbering footsteps added credence to this theory. Twilight and Spike made sure to look away from the elephant as it walked past them, Spike adding an innocent whistle just in case.
When the elephant was well out of sight, they turned back to one another.
“Well, that was a waste of time. Maybe we should have just ignored it until it went away.”
“Hindsight is 20/20,” Twilight said.
“Well, I’ve learned my lesson,” Spike said.
“…I feel like there’s a joke here that we’re both missing.”
“Oh good, I thought it was just me,” said the other elephant in the room.
It's simple and straightforward and technically competent, but I feel like there's not much there. It's mostly just a predictable joke, which wasn't funny enough to be compelling to me.
The central running joke amused me for a spell, though (for me, at least) it ran out of steam far too soon. The last line was clever, and on the whole I have no criticisms regarding the execution, which is decent. Why somepony as anxious and neurotic as Twilight didn't start worrying about having already violated cultural traditions the moment she and Spike actually started discussing the elephant kinda lodged in my brain a little more than it probably needed to though, given the nature of the fic, but there you go.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Thanks for sharing your work.
It's silly as all hell, but I still chuckled a couple of times, especially at how deadpan Twilight and Spike were; and that last line was golden. Great one.
You need a "Twilight said" (though I prefer 'said Pony') on the penultimate line, because the speaker gets confusing on the next line and you don't want to leave any ambiguity there.
An enjoyable and humorous piece that definitely makes use of the prompt (though I agree that it could use less prompt-dropping). In particular, I now have in head-canon the idea that Twilight has a taste for exceedingly expensive imported oats; it sounds like the kind of harmless vice someone like Twilight would indulge in. Thank you for that. :)
I also liked the part where Twilight was trying to explain why she was ignoring the elephant; it had just the right balance between credible explanation and Twilight simply covering herself (it's perfectly understandable that she, a small pony, wouldn't want to take on a massive elephant single-hoofedly).
There are some flaws, though. For one thing there are places where the lack of dialogue tags make it confusing to figure out who is saying what; I actually had to rewind a couple of times while reading.
There's also the fact that the story does lose steam once Twilight and Spike get into the hallway and try to figure out what to do about their 'uninvited guest'. That part could probably be condensed or even eliminated altogether without hurting the story.
But overall a very entertaining piece. Thanks for sharing!
I also liked the part where Twilight was trying to explain why she was ignoring the elephant; it had just the right balance between credible explanation and Twilight simply covering herself (it's perfectly understandable that she, a small pony, wouldn't want to take on a massive elephant single-hoofedly).
There are some flaws, though. For one thing there are places where the lack of dialogue tags make it confusing to figure out who is saying what; I actually had to rewind a couple of times while reading.
There's also the fact that the story does lose steam once Twilight and Spike get into the hallway and try to figure out what to do about their 'uninvited guest'. That part could probably be condensed or even eliminated altogether without hurting the story.
But overall a very entertaining piece. Thanks for sharing!
The biggest problem with this story is that it feels like it drags a bit even at this short length. The ending made me chuckle, but the middle didn't really quite carry itself.
In a way, this is basically Just Ignore It except executed a bit better (just all around tighter dialogue and a better absurd joke, I think). That said, this doesn't hugely appeal to me either, for all that the last line is actually quite a good punchline. It just takes a while to get there.
It’s “a millennium”, not “a millennia”. Millennia is plural.
The end joke is a bit trite, neigh? I was expecting it from the get-go. I’d much preferred you mixed “elephant in the room” with “skeleton in the closet” and got something inbetween. Like an elephant skeleton in a closet-room.
Otherwise, this is absurd enough, kind of humour I do like, so I cannot really pan this one too much, albeit I agree with TD that the middle portion drags a bit to pack the final punch (which fizzled out). Don't feel obliged to use up the 750 words you're allowed to!
The end joke is a bit trite, neigh? I was expecting it from the get-go. I’d much preferred you mixed “elephant in the room” with “skeleton in the closet” and got something inbetween. Like an elephant skeleton in a closet-room.
Otherwise, this is absurd enough, kind of humour I do like, so I cannot really pan this one too much, albeit I agree with TD that the middle portion drags a bit to pack the final punch (which fizzled out). Don't feel obliged to use up the 750 words you're allowed to!
As the last couple comments have said, this takes 749 words to tell one joke and a couple of one-off sub-punchlines. And the main joke is just "ha ha, what if this popular idiom was literally true?!" It wore out its welcome within the first few lines, and I expected it to move on to some other jokes... and it didn't. (Well, it did, but only briefly, and "have your oats and eat them too" is less effective of a substitution when we know Equestria does have very good cake.)
Writing's serviceable, though mostly just back and forth dialogue.
Not much more to say here. It's not awful or anything, just very threadbare. Look at some of the other high ranking comedy entries in this and past rounds, and try to layer in more and more varied jokes in your space. Don't be afraid to cut short, either. Brevity IS the soul of wit, and timing is everything. You have some good single lines here - now try and develop a sense for how long you can stay on comedy content, and when you need to move to a new scene. Thanks for writing!
Writing's serviceable, though mostly just back and forth dialogue.
Not much more to say here. It's not awful or anything, just very threadbare. Look at some of the other high ranking comedy entries in this and past rounds, and try to layer in more and more varied jokes in your space. Don't be afraid to cut short, either. Brevity IS the soul of wit, and timing is everything. You have some good single lines here - now try and develop a sense for how long you can stay on comedy content, and when you need to move to a new scene. Thanks for writing!
Way to take an absurd concept and play it straight long enough to be semi-plausible. Dialog occasionally didn't flow, but generally not an issue. Excellent use of the brick joke.
Huh. Not bad for a dumb thing I wrote at 9 AM in about an hour after over a day without sleep and no coffee. In a genre I have virtually no experience in, which definitely shows. Still, the fact I got anyone to even chuckle is more than enough for me. Thank you to everyone who commented; I think it's fairly clear what I need to work on.
With that out of the way, hello everybody! I'm RB, this was my first Writeoff, and I'm sorry to inform you that you may have to put up with me on occasion in the future.
With that out of the way, hello everybody! I'm RB, this was my first Writeoff, and I'm sorry to inform you that you may have to put up with me on occasion in the future.