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Seeing Double · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
#1 · 5
I might even try and write a FIM minific this round…

Incredible, innit?
#2 · 3
Hype train rolling!!! Can't wait to participate this time around.
#3 · 3
Tiny horse tiny fic time
#4 · 1
Time to write Stereopony II :p
#5 · 2
Couldn't take part this time, but I'll try to write some reviews instead. Thanks to everyone who participated :)
#6 · 2
· on H Bomb · >>Monokeras
Excellently constructed! The pacing on this entry felt really strong--breakneck, but firmly in control all the way through. Really fun read.
#7 · 3
· on A View of Both Sides · >>GroaningGreyAgony
What beautifully playful prose! Portraying character through style is tricky to do, as I find it so often comes across as campy (at least in my own writing it does 😅). You nailed it!
#8 · 2
· on Counterfeit Image · >>PinoyPony >>Baal Bunny >>PinoyPony
And then, suddenly, Applejack!

I'm unsure what to say about this. It feels like it was lifted from a larger fic. There may be some late-season reference I'm missing (and if that's the case, then accept my humble apology for my ignorance of canon), but right now the Applejack appearance seems too random to lend any weight to the final line.

As a musician myself, I can identify with Coloratura's worry of being washed up. However, I believe you can do better than nightmares as the way those insecurities manifest. There's promise in the wrong notes-portion of your story. Maybe those latent feelings can come out in the form of her trying to sing a famously challenging piece from her old repertoire only to find she can no longer hit the high notes. Or something else like that. The emotional core is there. If you choose to continue this, your job should be to frame it in a convincing way. Thank you for submitting!
#9 ·
· on Lace Over Chitin · >>thebandbrony
Clever handling of subtext.

Palette’s hoof slipped. Bright red pony blood wept across Chrysalis’s left leg lace. The queen reached out towards the earth pony. A delicate sound filled the room, that of fine imported lace tearing.

is condensed and effective.

I enjoy how Chrysalis suspects Palette's 'inclination' before she herself does.

The lace is useful as a metaphor but could be powerful as a concrete image. The writer wants to 'relate':

It’s ponies that are the real monsters[...]we hurt you, and you continue to pour out your love like the wound is not there. Love is your treachery. It reveals us.

Find a way to let the lace 'relate'.
#10 ·
· on Seeing Double · >>PinoyPony
Miller made me read this (I usually don’t read pony fics because I dropped out at such an early stage that I miss most of the background).

I agree this is totally… discombobulating.
And by discombobulating I mean nonplussing.
Or even flabbergasting.

In other words, this is mind boggling.

But the prose is really good.
Befuddling, I say

Oh well

#11 ·
· on Lace Over Chitin · >>thebandbrony
First thing I like is how the seamstress (trying to reach for a word other than dressmaker, but 'seamstress' doesn't feel right either) has mentioned that she studied changeling anatomy, obviously showing its usefulness in her current project. It shows how deep of thought went into this piece.

Also... the metaphor of 'bayonet and butter knife' is a nice touch! Ooh!

So, as for terms of improvement, I was a little disoriented while reading this, the lack of context of whom Chyrsalis is getting married to (unless I completely missed it, in which, ignore my insolence), and the time period. I'm guessing it is not in the past, since she mentions the 'First Invasion of Canterlot' and obviously, Palette is pony (unless she is not, which, the same warning applies from before). But, if it is in the future, then this has the task of some explaining to do, as last I checked, Chyrsalis was a statue.

But... that just could be me.

Thanks for writing!
#12 · 1
· on H Bomb · >>Monokeras
At first, I'm thinking... it's a dream. But, the next idea tossed my way is that it is Discord. The letter from him appearing and reappearing did nothing to confirm/deny the idea of this being a dream (But, if I may add, I like the humor in him sending a letter saying 'It wasn't me!'). Turns out its just Twilight messing with something she shouldn't have.

Personally, I feel like this one is all over the place. True, Twilight messing with quantum physics can open up a world of unknowns and twisty physics. I can see how gamma rays and Celestia's hooves falling into floorboards I can wrap my mind around it, but I'd like an explanation about the double Lunas or this 'cat' they mention (I feel like this is supposed to be a reference, but unfortunately, the thing's gone completely over my head).

Perhaps I'm overthinking this one. If so, just ignore me.

Thanks for writing!
#13 ·
· on Counterfeit Image · >>Baal Bunny >>PinoyPony
This one does have a emotional core to it, one, I unfortunately relate to. Unfortunately, it has some technical issues that need re-worked. I get that Coloratura is having a hard time in her career, and that's great and all, but the Applejack resolve seems to quick. In fact, I think I have to echo what >>thebandbrony said. I get that AJ is her childhood foalhood? friend, but what is AJ doing in this scene? It seems all disjointed, and as thebandbrony said, it seems lifted from a larger fic.

Another thing that bothers me is that the relation to the prompt seems loose, even last minute. I feel like the part about looking at her photographs seems spliced in there so this piece may be entered. Again, revisiting the 'lifted from a larger fic' mentioned before.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I guess my advice to you is that you've got a good emotional piece here, but the relation of her work life and her emotions needs to be re-worked. Just focus on that and you'll be just fine!

Thanks for writing!
#14 ·
· on A View of Both Sides · >>GroaningGreyAgony
I love a good Derpy! :derpytongue: (I hope that's correct, otherwise I'm on my keister also with this one!)

One wonders what she sees what she sees daily, as she sees... well... double! Does it drive her mad? Obviously not, since she just keeps on keeping on her route, trying to do her job with as much grace as she can.

Thanks for writing!
#15 ·
· on Seeing Double
Thank you, >>Monokeras for going first, it helps to know I'm not the only one finding this... discombobulating.

Now, you will have the luxury of peering into my thought process while going through this piece:

My first sign of trouble in comprehension was:

The envoy admitted that he didn’t grasp the oracle

I had to look up the meaning off the words 'envoy' and 'oracle', even then, I'm still not getting what is happening in this sentence. But then:

“He has seated two ponies who are exactly identical next to one another at the head of the table, trying to sabotage our mission.”

Oh, now I see where this is going. Continue.

“But I’m Tailgate Fluttersparkle!” cried a multicolored pegasus at the rear, as loudly as the force of her low voice could muster.

I've completely forgotten about this little gaggle that Ember had trouble differentiating the two ponies. It seems as the makers of the show were conspiring against the dragons from the start! You got me good! I was poised on the 'abstain' button, but then, a save! Woo!

Pardon these inane rattlings from a simpleton. But, if I may, there's nothing quite like a good laugh nowadays...

Thanks be, for writing!
#16 · 1
· on H Bomb · >>Monokeras
I think this story would benefit from a more careful prewriting process. There are lots of ideas flying about--it's a "gamma ray blast" of its own.

See if you can "see" the whole piece before drafting--not every detail, but having a sense of the beginning, middle, and end.

This will help you decide what is necessary or not as you revise your story.

Keep going!
#17 ·
· on A View of Both Sides · >>GroaningGreyAgony
This is a superb little morsel.

I originally misread "Rural Delivery" as "Rural Devil", but was delighted with it. It was a pawn move out of nowhere which won the game.

However, "Rural Delivery" is cute, and more apropos to the writer's intent.
#18 ·
· on Lace Over Chitin · >>thebandbrony
The writing here:

Is just gorgeous, but I need a lot more context to figure out where we are, when we are, and what all is going on. I hope, author, that you'll provide that context when filling this out for posting on Fimfiction!

#19 · 1
· on Counterfeit Image · >>PinoyPony
I'll agree with:

>>thebandbrony and >>PinoyPony. I almost feel like the story shouldn't really begin till AJ's sudden appearance. Their actions and conversation could show us all the points that the story right now is telling us as well as letting us know why AJ's even there, and once Rara's confessed her feelings of inadequacy, AJ could start helping her see beyond it. Or something. It would just be more engaging to me if I get to discover Rara's problem along with AJ...

#20 ·
· on Seeing Double
Pretty silly:

But I can't say that it really worked for me. My biggest problem is the POV at the beginning. We're in Slider's, and the narrative identifies Twilight and Starlight by their correct names. But then when Slider starts talking to Ember, he uses these other names for them. Is he purposefully setting Ember up to fail? I didn't get any indication of that. So why, if he knew their names before, does he not use their names now?

The slip into Ember's POV works quite well, so kudos there, but I don't understand what her "private victory" is at the end.

The whole piece has a nice idea behind it, but I'd need those couple of things ironed out for me.

#21 ·
· on A View of Both Sides · >>GroaningGreyAgony
Very nice:

A missing quotation mark here and there, and I've never been able to hear Rarity's voice use the word "okay"--"all right," sure, but "okay" just doesn't sound right. It's a shame you'll need to add more to it to reach the minimum word count for FimFiction, but I'm sure you can do it!

#22 · 1
· on H Bomb · >>Monokeras

My comments are mostly small and nit-picky. As a reader based in the U.S, for instance, I prefer double quotation marks, and the presence of a TV tower in downtown Canterlot made me stop and blink. I also found myself unconvinced that messing with Planck's Constant by itself would lead to all these different effects: maybe Twilight could have tried to compensate for her first misadjustment by making tweaks to other fundamental principles of the universe as well? Like I said, though, a lot of fun here.

#23 ·
· on Counterfeit Image · >>PinoyPony
You saw the beginning!

One strategy you might employ next time you're in a prompt context is working backwards from the ending. Let it come to you in a "flash".
#24 ·
· on Seeing Double
Her sapphire confidence had been blunted with glaucous gray

I'm surprised she didn't turn purple from being sketched in such a turgid style. The characters all sound alike, and the punchline of this shaggy dog story got locked in the house, where it was forgotten behind a bric-a-brac yard.
#25 ·
· on A View of Both Sides
>>thebandbrony, >>PinoyPony, >>Heavy_Mole, >>Baal Bunny

A View of Both Sides

Wow! Thanks for the gold, and congrats to Monokeras and thebandbrony.

The idea that Derpy sees more of the world than others do because of her strabismus is not new, but it seemed to fit this prompt very well. I wanted to try a subtle scenario at first, but decided that simple and bold would work best in this format. It is indeed likely to be hard to add 600 words to it without mangling it, so I may add it to my Pone Shots collection.

Thanks for the love and the great comments!
#26 ·
· on Counterfeit Image
Counterfeit Image

Not feeling well today, so I'll make this one quick and leave the yakking for another time.


The latter part wasn't covered in my faux-post. Thank you for the advice on how to make the emotional tones stronger in that scene, as the impact of a failing a piece she was prevoiusly able to do rather than chords would speak more in volumes.



>>Baal Bunny

That always seems to be the conundrum with my writing lately: where to begin and where to stop. Why use lot word when few do trick? Maybe I should work backwards as Heavy_Mole says. I notice that I can think of good beginnings, but the endings need a lot of work. But, with the advice both of you given, I have a better idea of what I need to do. Thanks for the advice! You have no idea how much I needed it!


Good try, but not far up on my list of edits due to huge technical errors. But, not entirely dropped either.
#27 ·
· on H Bomb
>>Baal Bunny
Hey guys, 'grats to the other writers (especially to the two winners, good job mates!) ans thanks for the bronze! ❤️

It’s been a long time since I wrote my last FIM story. Three weeks ago, I decided to give a complete makeover to one of my old stories (published under the Callipony moniker) and – don’t ask me how – after uploading the new version of it, I stumbled upon Bad Horse's last story, which more or less deals with quantum mechanics, but in a way I found quite unsatisfactory. I pondered a bit upon the subject, and came back to my mind a line I'd read a long time ago in God knows what book, which claimed that if the Planck constant was allowed to scale up to, say, 0.0001, then elephants could all of a sudden teleport in the middle of your living room, just by tunnel effect.
I thought it would make a good comedy if somehow Twilight was allowed to tweak that constant, and, of course, botch it.

Now, if the Planck constant was suddenly raised, light would become much more energetic (which means light waves would turn into gamma rays, and radio waves into light waves), macroscopic matter would probably tunnel randomly, and …

Schrödinger's cats would fill rooms.

Of course, the whole world would fall apart instantly, but eh… who cares for strict scientific likeliness in a pony fic? :p

Now this was really more a skit than anything else. If it has succeeded in eliciting a laugh, or even a grin, from you, then my goal has been more than met. Thanks Baal and Band Brony for your appreciation, and, yes, I agree, it was a bit scattershot, more like a stand-up sketch than a true story.

In any case thanks a bunch for all, and see you at the next mini round (or maybe, if I’m inspired, next round)!

PS, EDIT: Also yeah, 'single quotes' are standard in British English, which is the 'dialect' I write in!
#28 ·
· on Seeing Double · >>Monokeras
Here's a fact: in season seven, (the recently crowned) Princess Ember visits Ponyville in a diplomatic role and can't tell the difference between Twilight and Starlight, because "[they] both look and act so much alike".

I enjoyed this bit of meta-commentary on the mid-life reboot of the main cast.

The idea here is to extend and add roots to Princess Ember's confusion. Not only can she not tell the two ponies apart, but the indolent Foreign Ministry of the Dragon Lands has been having the same difficulty for years, and have studied ponies from afar, as it were, in the manner of ornithologists.

Thus, the envoy Slate's savvy in international affairs resembles a birdwatcher, in that he identifies "horns, wings, and coats of dazzling colors." But most importantly he is acquainted with their "calls" in a kind of distant, academic way (how many bird calls can you identify?) and makes his recommendation for Ember to proceed with her difficulty on this basis.

Ember tries to give Starlight and Twilight the opportunity to speak during her petition, by making pauses, but is served with dead silence. Finally, not being well-learned in Pony Latin, she attempts to recall their "binomial nomenclature" and produces a mangled name--which, no doubt to further confusion, happens to be the name of a mangled pony in the audience (a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash hybrid).

Ember's "private victory" is that she believes she now knows which of the identical luminaries is the real princess of Equestria, based on Slate's description of their speech--when Starlight scolds her, she is able to deduce Twilight, ipso facto. But of course, both Starlight and Twilight have horns, are purple, and have "iconic haircuts".
#29 ·
· on Seeing Double

Uh. Not bad an idea. A pony twitcher? :)
Your fic plainly illustrates what I said about my non filling a slate: that’s the kind of references I can’t get, having dropped out too soon.

In any case, I do repeat and stress, though, that the prose was excellent.

See you next time!
#30 · 3
I’ve created the folder for this contest: Here
#31 · 1
· on Lace Over Chitin
>>Baal Bunny

WOOO, thank you all for your kind critique! And congratulations to GroaningGreyAgony and Monokeras on the well-deserved medals.

As always, I'm disappointed in the lack of material 750 words can cover. I'm definitely looking forward to elaborating on this concept for eventual fimfic publication. This concept draws a great deal of its vibe from GaPJaxie's Third Wheel saga, and though a more minimalistic approach helped me fit in the word count requirement, I'm not sure it'll work so well to explain away why our swiss cheese-looking bug friend is no longer encased in stone.