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Well, Artist, I think we can check, using the very same equipment that took the image you used. But whatever. A simple image to execute, but very effective. Well done!
What a beautifully Discordant image. Artist, you are very skilled at caricaturing and making shapes look three dimensional and alive. The only thing that works against this image is that so much chaotic stuff is overlapping that one must study the image to make sense of it. But one tends to want to do that, anyway. This will be an upper tier piece for sure.
Quick takes:
Weird to see a brand name like "Vantablack" in Equestria. Though I guess this is Discord.
Temporal shenanigans are... Well, it's fun, but on the edge of becoming frustrating. Let's see how it goes.
The few cusswords feel out of place. I have no problem with swearing, but it just feels out of character here, and isn't used in any place that really makes that sort of "punch" necessary either.
As a bit of a dyslexic, the remembered/rebmemered swaps are more or less invisible, so it makes me have to stop and think really hard every time either comes up, to see which it is.
In the EqG world, shouldn't it actually be "Shakespeare" and not "Shakesmare"?
Pros:
Things just don't stop moving here. The story just keeps going and kept me interested the whole time.
Very well written on a technical level. Only a few minor typos.
The scattered temporal viewpoints are relatively unique device, used to good effect for the most part.
Cons: (Only one, really)
What happened? The story just stopped. I literally went to flip the page on my tablet (I was reading the ePub version) and thought the file must be glitched because it just went to the next story. And yes, I totally get the metaphor that life (actual life) is just the sound and the fury, with no real meaning. But to me that's a cop-out and a con. Stories are supposed to be the antidote to that, and this story felt like it was setting up for some really clever, really interesting things. As it ends, it feels like a shaggy dog story lightly serviced by a line from Shakespeare.
Summary:
The author clearly set out to do a specific thing here, and it was done well. Unfortunately that thing was a shaggy dog from my perspective. So, even though I really loved both the written style and the action as it unfolded, I felt it just dropped me off a cliff at the end for a "worthless" (in my estimation) reason.
Weird to see a brand name like "Vantablack" in Equestria. Though I guess this is Discord.
Temporal shenanigans are... Well, it's fun, but on the edge of becoming frustrating. Let's see how it goes.
The few cusswords feel out of place. I have no problem with swearing, but it just feels out of character here, and isn't used in any place that really makes that sort of "punch" necessary either.
As a bit of a dyslexic, the remembered/rebmemered swaps are more or less invisible, so it makes me have to stop and think really hard every time either comes up, to see which it is.
In the EqG world, shouldn't it actually be "Shakespeare" and not "Shakesmare"?
Pros:
Things just don't stop moving here. The story just keeps going and kept me interested the whole time.
Very well written on a technical level. Only a few minor typos.
The scattered temporal viewpoints are relatively unique device, used to good effect for the most part.
Cons: (Only one, really)
What happened? The story just stopped. I literally went to flip the page on my tablet (I was reading the ePub version) and thought the file must be glitched because it just went to the next story. And yes, I totally get the metaphor that life (actual life) is just the sound and the fury, with no real meaning. But to me that's a cop-out and a con. Stories are supposed to be the antidote to that, and this story felt like it was setting up for some really clever, really interesting things. As it ends, it feels like a shaggy dog story lightly serviced by a line from Shakespeare.
Summary:
The author clearly set out to do a specific thing here, and it was done well. Unfortunately that thing was a shaggy dog from my perspective. So, even though I really loved both the written style and the action as it unfolded, I felt it just dropped me off a cliff at the end for a "worthless" (in my estimation) reason.
Lots of fun:
I support the concept of this story in its entirety, author, but as it stands right now, it seems to me to violate show canon pretty substantially.
'Cause we're told in the show multiple times that, during the thousand years that Luna was gone, ponies forgot that she had ever existed. They remembered Nightmare Moon, sure, but only as an imaginary monster at the center of a children's festival. That's the big discovery Twilight makes in the first episode: that Nightmare Moon is real, not that Nightmare Moon is Luna. At the end of the second episode when Celestia announces that this is her sister Luna, Twilight gasps right along with the rest of them. 'Cause that's the first time in hundreds and hundreds of years that anyone's heard the name Luna or known that Celestia had a sister.
So to say that "For a thousand years, that’s been equinity’s go-to expression of my power: Celestia banishing Nightmare Moon" doesn't work for me. Nopony for centuries before Twilight Sparkle thought that Nightmare Moon was real.
I'd recommend, therefore, shifting the focus a little. What Luna's returns really does, after all, is completely shatter everything every creature on the planet ever thought they knew about how the universe works. For most of the past thousand years, the whole world knew for an absolute fact that the one and only Goddess of All Creation was a pony who lived in a castle in Equestria. Luna's return destroys that monotheistic concept utterly and forces the entire world to reevaluate literally everything: either there's now suddenly a second Goddess of All Creation, or Celestia never was The Goddess of All Creation to begin with and has always been just a pony with family problems much like every other creature in the world has.
Like I said, I love the concept here. I'd just recommend that little shift at the beginning to line the story up with the internal history of the series.
Mike
I support the concept of this story in its entirety, author, but as it stands right now, it seems to me to violate show canon pretty substantially.
'Cause we're told in the show multiple times that, during the thousand years that Luna was gone, ponies forgot that she had ever existed. They remembered Nightmare Moon, sure, but only as an imaginary monster at the center of a children's festival. That's the big discovery Twilight makes in the first episode: that Nightmare Moon is real, not that Nightmare Moon is Luna. At the end of the second episode when Celestia announces that this is her sister Luna, Twilight gasps right along with the rest of them. 'Cause that's the first time in hundreds and hundreds of years that anyone's heard the name Luna or known that Celestia had a sister.
So to say that "For a thousand years, that’s been equinity’s go-to expression of my power: Celestia banishing Nightmare Moon" doesn't work for me. Nopony for centuries before Twilight Sparkle thought that Nightmare Moon was real.
I'd recommend, therefore, shifting the focus a little. What Luna's returns really does, after all, is completely shatter everything every creature on the planet ever thought they knew about how the universe works. For most of the past thousand years, the whole world knew for an absolute fact that the one and only Goddess of All Creation was a pony who lived in a castle in Equestria. Luna's return destroys that monotheistic concept utterly and forces the entire world to reevaluate literally everything: either there's now suddenly a second Goddess of All Creation, or Celestia never was The Goddess of All Creation to begin with and has always been just a pony with family problems much like every other creature in the world has.
Like I said, I love the concept here. I'd just recommend that little shift at the beginning to line the story up with the internal history of the series.
Mike
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Won't really have time for art reviews this week, but I wanted to offer a tip to the source pic's artist here:
I often see artists who work with colored pens (and other such bleedy mediums) grab a couple sheets of printer paper to stuff into their sketchbooks behind the page that's currently being worked on. That way, the scratch paper eats the bleedthrough instead of the next sketchbook page. (As a secondary benefit, the scratch paper becomes a bookmark so you can immediately flip to the next unused page when your muse calls.)
Won't really have time for art reviews this week, but I wanted to offer a tip to the source pic's artist here:
I often see artists who work with colored pens (and other such bleedy mediums) grab a couple sheets of printer paper to stuff into their sketchbooks behind the page that's currently being worked on. That way, the scratch paper eats the bleedthrough instead of the next sketchbook page. (As a secondary benefit, the scratch paper becomes a bookmark so you can immediately flip to the next unused page when your muse calls.)
Another fine story:
I of course have comments. :)
The first has to do with the intro. Story beginnings are very delicate places, and I'm always scouring them for clues as I read so I can start visualizing things, building images in my head and bringing the story to life. And here, seeing "big for my age", "earth pony" and "taunting me about my cutie mark" in the third paragraph, I immediately told myself, "Oh! This story's based on that picture of Troubleshoes!" And that's the image of the narrator that stuck with me until the workmare calls the narrator "Blue Moon" about a fifth of the way through and a few paragraphs later when the narrator says, "but a filly could wonder."
Those lines, then, kicked me completely out of the story by destroying the mental image I'd built. So my first piece of advice is: use the word "filly" to refer to the narrator way back up in the third paragraph. Help the reader out as much as you can by working these little details into things early. Maybe you could even give us hints right at the top with Luna giving us some idea about where and when she is as she's starting this memoir. Is this Luna before her exile, just after her return, or some years after? Just a few words to make us realize that this is someone looking back on a life that's lasted centuries, and you've gone a long way toward giving me the clues I need to get grounded in things.
Secondly, I'd like a little more from Smart Cookie when he gives proto-Luna that history lesson near the end. These sorts of "everything you think you know is wrong" stories are always hard to pull off, and I'd like a little more of an idea of how this story deviates from the familiar fairy tale of Hearth's Warming Eve. Unless, author, you're planning on continuing and giving us the entire secret history behind the founding of Equestria. 'Cause that's a story I would definitely read.
Mike
I of course have comments. :)
The first has to do with the intro. Story beginnings are very delicate places, and I'm always scouring them for clues as I read so I can start visualizing things, building images in my head and bringing the story to life. And here, seeing "big for my age", "earth pony" and "taunting me about my cutie mark" in the third paragraph, I immediately told myself, "Oh! This story's based on that picture of Troubleshoes!" And that's the image of the narrator that stuck with me until the workmare calls the narrator "Blue Moon" about a fifth of the way through and a few paragraphs later when the narrator says, "but a filly could wonder."
Those lines, then, kicked me completely out of the story by destroying the mental image I'd built. So my first piece of advice is: use the word "filly" to refer to the narrator way back up in the third paragraph. Help the reader out as much as you can by working these little details into things early. Maybe you could even give us hints right at the top with Luna giving us some idea about where and when she is as she's starting this memoir. Is this Luna before her exile, just after her return, or some years after? Just a few words to make us realize that this is someone looking back on a life that's lasted centuries, and you've gone a long way toward giving me the clues I need to get grounded in things.
Secondly, I'd like a little more from Smart Cookie when he gives proto-Luna that history lesson near the end. These sorts of "everything you think you know is wrong" stories are always hard to pull off, and I'd like a little more of an idea of how this story deviates from the familiar fairy tale of Hearth's Warming Eve. Unless, author, you're planning on continuing and giving us the entire secret history behind the founding of Equestria. 'Cause that's a story I would definitely read.
Mike
I really liked this piece. Troubleshoes doesn’t get nearly enough love! This gave me a pretty wild story idea as well. ^^
I'm always torn:
When it comes to judging the art in these "pic first" rounds. I mean, do I vote up entries that just appeal to me as visual images, or do I vote up the ones that I inspire story ideas in me?
Case in point: I love this picture, but since it didn't spark me with anything but the obvious stories last Friday, I placed it right in the middle of my ballot. But then after enjoying the story that it did spark, I found myself thinking I should move this pic higher. Is this me just "much adoing about nothing," or do other folks take that into consideration?
Mike
When it comes to judging the art in these "pic first" rounds. I mean, do I vote up entries that just appeal to me as visual images, or do I vote up the ones that I inspire story ideas in me?
Case in point: I love this picture, but since it didn't spark me with anything but the obvious stories last Friday, I placed it right in the middle of my ballot. But then after enjoying the story that it did spark, I found myself thinking I should move this pic higher. Is this me just "much adoing about nothing," or do other folks take that into consideration?
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
I don't think inspiration should factor into it? Put it this way, do you judge stories based on how many pics they inspire?
I always judge based on visual appeal, artistry, etc. It is up to you in the end though.
I don't think inspiration should factor into it? Put it this way, do you judge stories based on how many pics they inspire?
I always judge based on visual appeal, artistry, etc. It is up to you in the end though.
Someone was a bit too fond of bananas, I gather. Lovely moonscape and befuddled expression. An upper tier piece, of which we have many this round. Thank you, Artist!
Adding to what’s been said, I find the appearance of the crystal ball to be rather ominous, taken with her expression and that title. Top tier work.
Cute, basic execution of a fitting idea. I fear it will be pushed down my slate by the many top tier works this round, but thanks for making it, Artist!
Simple in symbolism and execution, but quite effective. Thanks for creating it, Artist!
Up front, I'll admit I'm not much of a judge of experimental narrative styles.
When I first started reading Suzzane Collins' The Hunger Games, I didn't like the third person present tense; when I picked up the book the second time, I got used to it after eight pages and enjoyed the trilogy. Tracts of her book demonstrate that she couldn't write past tense well, but with your use of third person future tense, and all tenses in between, I can see you know your craft. The shattered tense choice for Discord I think is a perfect idea, and it fits his character well*. I found the narrative style fascinating in an of itself, and how you juxtaposed it with the backwards words, the opposite sides of the mirror, the opposite sides of time, and multiple character inputs actually worked well. Your deconstruction of the Equestria Girls universe I think may be the cutest part. Parasitic, sucking the magic out of Equestria... Ha!
And I learned a new word: Vantablack.
Therein lies the problems with this story, as illustrated by "Vantablack." Please take this from the POV on a single reader with the caveat of my first sentence above and take what I say, or leave it, as you choose.
The plot felt pretty much lost in the surprising puzzle that the writing presented me as a reader. Vantablack blind-sided me as I read it, but I kept reading, soldiering on for about a page until I was puzzled enough about why the word was there that I searched for words starting with V, found it, and looked it up. The point is that all these sparkly baubles pulled me out of the story**. I saw the fascinating crystalline lattice, but never saw the diamond. I sense that Discord learned something, but I don't know what or why that matters or why I should care.
But I sure do really like that crystal! So much so, that I think it would make a really good narrative device for another story when you have plenty of time to plan how to attach plot and character development securely to the scaffold it will provide. I've read some published SF that was as time-and-place fractured as your story is and, oddly, it's stuck with me for decades. Now and again, certain events in my life remind me of passages in a book***. Certainly, don't abandon the narrative style after one try! ...even though the MacBeth quote, "full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing," does apply to this specific story.
Nevertheless—good work.
*Sadly, I don't think you quite got the rhythm of his dialog well. Sometimes yes, mostly no.
** And any time you distract a reader from the story, that reader may put it down and never read it again. You want your readers immersed and unaware of their surroundings.
*** Yep. Found it. The book was Spaceling by Doris Piserchia (1978). Going to have to read it again, soon.
When I first started reading Suzzane Collins' The Hunger Games, I didn't like the third person present tense; when I picked up the book the second time, I got used to it after eight pages and enjoyed the trilogy. Tracts of her book demonstrate that she couldn't write past tense well, but with your use of third person future tense, and all tenses in between, I can see you know your craft. The shattered tense choice for Discord I think is a perfect idea, and it fits his character well*. I found the narrative style fascinating in an of itself, and how you juxtaposed it with the backwards words, the opposite sides of the mirror, the opposite sides of time, and multiple character inputs actually worked well. Your deconstruction of the Equestria Girls universe I think may be the cutest part. Parasitic, sucking the magic out of Equestria... Ha!
And I learned a new word: Vantablack.
Therein lies the problems with this story, as illustrated by "Vantablack." Please take this from the POV on a single reader with the caveat of my first sentence above and take what I say, or leave it, as you choose.
The plot felt pretty much lost in the surprising puzzle that the writing presented me as a reader. Vantablack blind-sided me as I read it, but I kept reading, soldiering on for about a page until I was puzzled enough about why the word was there that I searched for words starting with V, found it, and looked it up. The point is that all these sparkly baubles pulled me out of the story**. I saw the fascinating crystalline lattice, but never saw the diamond. I sense that Discord learned something, but I don't know what or why that matters or why I should care.
But I sure do really like that crystal! So much so, that I think it would make a really good narrative device for another story when you have plenty of time to plan how to attach plot and character development securely to the scaffold it will provide. I've read some published SF that was as time-and-place fractured as your story is and, oddly, it's stuck with me for decades. Now and again, certain events in my life remind me of passages in a book***. Certainly, don't abandon the narrative style after one try! ...even though the MacBeth quote, "full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing," does apply to this specific story.
Nevertheless—good work.
*Sadly, I don't think you quite got the rhythm of his dialog well. Sometimes yes, mostly no.
** And any time you distract a reader from the story, that reader may put it down and never read it again. You want your readers immersed and unaware of their surroundings.
*** Yep. Found it. The book was Spaceling by Doris Piserchia (1978). Going to have to read it again, soon.
Definitely an at-the-deadline first-draft submission. Been there, done that, so I won't ding you much for that. Enough of your writing shines that I am convinced that I am correct and, besides which, I don't like copyediting. That said, only two things: Purple is mentioned, then gold. Which is it? "Snout...retracted..." In that context, really? Enough said.
Standard disclaimer: This is all from the POV on one reader. Take what I say or leave it, but you choose what.
Overall, I liked the story and the concept of the story. I think you captured the essence of both Rarity and Applejack well. Except for the unwonted severity of how Rarity retaliated upon Sweetie, it read very much like a show episode. I think that Rarity acted consistently. I am not sure that RD would have reacted to Scoots' prank that way, but I can see it happening, too. The train of worsening and solution from the mirror scene, to the visit to the spa, to encounter on the way to Zecora's, to the final confrontation at the door—that all worked well plot-wise. Though not knocking it, I am going to say it felt like a pretty standard show plot other than the friendship lesson felt slightly unconvincing.
Things that stood out—and intuition tells me you would have corrected this in later drafts—is the delay in showing up what happened to Rarity and Sweetie (not saying what, I mean, spoilers...). I know you did that for effect, playing it out with hints and wutnot, suspense, right, but, really, no, not effective, IMHO. It has the affect of characterizing the narrator as having fun with the reader at the reader's expense. It's not that you can't characterize a narrator, please understand. You can, but you need to bring up the character of the narrator up front as a view point (usually as a first person observer or confidant, or like Dickens did) and use it consistently. By the time I learned the sum total of what happened to Sweetie, I felt disappointed. Cute. Yes, but not enough payoff. I got that Rarity got mad and grounded Sweetie, but I didn't get a real hint of in what way until Rarity finally left the house, and then the sum total of the magical affect only after Rarity returned. The result was that three separate images of what happened lodged in my mind. My advice: get it over with so we can travel through the story with the final image. Same with what happened to Rarity. It takes until she leaves the house to get the full extent. In any case, how you did it didn't work for me.
The other lack—and once again it might be the first draft nature of the story—was that the story lacked sensual hints. I never felt like I was there. I didn't see the house or spa or forest where Rarity was. A wise writer once told me to include all five senses in every scene, and three at least. I didn't smell Rarity's perfumes. The hair in question didn't prickle or itch. The spa didn't feel luxurious. Applejack didn't have mud on her hooves or smell like a barn. Did the poison joke leaves rustle in the wind? Etc.
What Applejack plans at the end of the story was a satisfying twist, however.
Standard disclaimer: This is all from the POV on one reader. Take what I say or leave it, but you choose what.
Overall, I liked the story and the concept of the story. I think you captured the essence of both Rarity and Applejack well. Except for the unwonted severity of how Rarity retaliated upon Sweetie, it read very much like a show episode. I think that Rarity acted consistently. I am not sure that RD would have reacted to Scoots' prank that way, but I can see it happening, too. The train of worsening and solution from the mirror scene, to the visit to the spa, to encounter on the way to Zecora's, to the final confrontation at the door—that all worked well plot-wise. Though not knocking it, I am going to say it felt like a pretty standard show plot other than the friendship lesson felt slightly unconvincing.
Things that stood out—and intuition tells me you would have corrected this in later drafts—is the delay in showing up what happened to Rarity and Sweetie (not saying what, I mean, spoilers...). I know you did that for effect, playing it out with hints and wutnot, suspense, right, but, really, no, not effective, IMHO. It has the affect of characterizing the narrator as having fun with the reader at the reader's expense. It's not that you can't characterize a narrator, please understand. You can, but you need to bring up the character of the narrator up front as a view point (usually as a first person observer or confidant, or like Dickens did) and use it consistently. By the time I learned the sum total of what happened to Sweetie, I felt disappointed. Cute. Yes, but not enough payoff. I got that Rarity got mad and grounded Sweetie, but I didn't get a real hint of in what way until Rarity finally left the house, and then the sum total of the magical affect only after Rarity returned. The result was that three separate images of what happened lodged in my mind. My advice: get it over with so we can travel through the story with the final image. Same with what happened to Rarity. It takes until she leaves the house to get the full extent. In any case, how you did it didn't work for me.
The other lack—and once again it might be the first draft nature of the story—was that the story lacked sensual hints. I never felt like I was there. I didn't see the house or spa or forest where Rarity was. A wise writer once told me to include all five senses in every scene, and three at least. I didn't smell Rarity's perfumes. The hair in question didn't prickle or itch. The spa didn't feel luxurious. Applejack didn't have mud on her hooves or smell like a barn. Did the poison joke leaves rustle in the wind? Etc.
What Applejack plans at the end of the story was a satisfying twist, however.
A lot of:
Good stories this round! But again, here I am with the comments...
Just one really, I guess, author. You give us a good idea of what Discord wants that only Pinkie can provide, but I'm a little fuzzier on what Pinkie's looking for and can only find in Discord. Maybe expand on Pinkie's comment that ponies call her peculiar and make her want someone in her life who won't look at her that way? I'm just always looking for that sort of "exchange of gifts" in a romance: both parties have something they can give that the other needs.
Mike
Good stories this round! But again, here I am with the comments...
Just one really, I guess, author. You give us a good idea of what Discord wants that only Pinkie can provide, but I'm a little fuzzier on what Pinkie's looking for and can only find in Discord. Maybe expand on Pinkie's comment that ponies call her peculiar and make her want someone in her life who won't look at her that way? I'm just always looking for that sort of "exchange of gifts" in a romance: both parties have something they can give that the other needs.
Mike
Quick Takes:
Literally writing a story where the painting is in the story? "That's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for 'em."
Pros:
The dialogue flows naturally.
The literal art critique in a pic-to-fic round is a novel idea.
Cons:
This is just talking heads.
Nothing really happens.
Neither sister seems to FEEL anything about the art.
Summary:
It's a clever approach, but I feel this started as just an exercise to break writer's block, yet somehow ended up being made story length without gaining any more depth than that. There's one or two observations made by the sisters in their discussion which may be slightly interesting, but nothing comes of it, and overall they seem completely detached from everything.
Art should make you feel something, and if either of them had a strong reaction, then maybe this story could've gone somewhere. Use it to expose how alone Luna felt, or maybe the guilt Celestia may have had. Let one or both of them learn and grow from the discussion or the memories/emotions it brings up. But none of that happens. They are both looking at a piece of artwork about one of (if not THE) most important events in both their own lives, and instead of feeling anything, they just start sounding off like art history textbooks, debating if attention to star placement denotes laziness or mere unimportance.
Thus, the story itself feels like it does little more than just tell me about a picture I already looked at, and as entertainment, that doesn't do much for me I'm afraid.
Literally writing a story where the painting is in the story? "That's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for 'em."
Pros:
The dialogue flows naturally.
The literal art critique in a pic-to-fic round is a novel idea.
Cons:
This is just talking heads.
Nothing really happens.
Neither sister seems to FEEL anything about the art.
Summary:
It's a clever approach, but I feel this started as just an exercise to break writer's block, yet somehow ended up being made story length without gaining any more depth than that. There's one or two observations made by the sisters in their discussion which may be slightly interesting, but nothing comes of it, and overall they seem completely detached from everything.
Art should make you feel something, and if either of them had a strong reaction, then maybe this story could've gone somewhere. Use it to expose how alone Luna felt, or maybe the guilt Celestia may have had. Let one or both of them learn and grow from the discussion or the memories/emotions it brings up. But none of that happens. They are both looking at a piece of artwork about one of (if not THE) most important events in both their own lives, and instead of feeling anything, they just start sounding off like art history textbooks, debating if attention to star placement denotes laziness or mere unimportance.
Thus, the story itself feels like it does little more than just tell me about a picture I already looked at, and as entertainment, that doesn't do much for me I'm afraid.
Quick Takes:
The "tiny selves" thing is an interesting metaphor. Curious why both Pinkie and Discord have the same thing though. (Ah, it's much clearer later.)
Hmm, it's doing that "obvious misunderstanding" trope where people storm off instead of just let someone finish explaining. Always irritating with that happens in a story.
"I don't understand what's happening, Pinkie." You and me both, Fluttershy.
Needing Gummy's permission to blink is cute/funny.
Pros:
Solid story by the end.
Lots of great turns-of-phrase and funny visuals.
Really heartwarming core concept.
Cons:
Starts confusing and slow.
Really jumps around a lot in terms of pacing/plot advancement.
Summary:
By the end of this, I definitely liked this story. As noted above though, the start was really rough. There's far too long before we see what the conflict/doozy actually is, and the story really only starts at that point. I think it'd work much better if we were given more clues as to Pinkie's source of concern earlier on.
Secondly, the conflict between Discord thinking he's in love with Fluttershy, and her not thinking so... That felt like it got swept aside way too quickly. I get a lot of "dealing with it" may be off screen, so to speak, but if feels too rushed.
So, overall, I really love the idea of this, that Pinkie is a better (or additional) match for Discord, and Fluttershy is okay with that, even to the point of encouraging it. But the telling of that story really has some rough spots that need to be ironed out. Once that's done, I think this could be a great story.
The "tiny selves" thing is an interesting metaphor. Curious why both Pinkie and Discord have the same thing though. (Ah, it's much clearer later.)
Hmm, it's doing that "obvious misunderstanding" trope where people storm off instead of just let someone finish explaining. Always irritating with that happens in a story.
"I don't understand what's happening, Pinkie." You and me both, Fluttershy.
Needing Gummy's permission to blink is cute/funny.
Pros:
Solid story by the end.
Lots of great turns-of-phrase and funny visuals.
Really heartwarming core concept.
Cons:
Starts confusing and slow.
Really jumps around a lot in terms of pacing/plot advancement.
Summary:
By the end of this, I definitely liked this story. As noted above though, the start was really rough. There's far too long before we see what the conflict/doozy actually is, and the story really only starts at that point. I think it'd work much better if we were given more clues as to Pinkie's source of concern earlier on.
Secondly, the conflict between Discord thinking he's in love with Fluttershy, and her not thinking so... That felt like it got swept aside way too quickly. I get a lot of "dealing with it" may be off screen, so to speak, but if feels too rushed.
So, overall, I really love the idea of this, that Pinkie is a better (or additional) match for Discord, and Fluttershy is okay with that, even to the point of encouraging it. But the telling of that story really has some rough spots that need to be ironed out. Once that's done, I think this could be a great story.
Quick Takes:
One page in, and a mustache prank! Great idea from the picture prompt!
A lot of typos are really breaking my immersion.
A long way in and I'm still not sure what Sweetie looks like. Some visual description would've helped earlier on.
Pros:
A funny idea, especially considering the prompt picture.
Everypony felt in character.
Cons:
A lot of technical problems made it hard to not get distracted.
More visual detail would've helped. I assumed it was a mustache until two pages in and found it was a beard. Ditto with Sweetie. I thought she was just hiding in blankets, or immobile like velcro or something. Only at the end do I get an impression it was more Flufflepuff.
The two-part take drags things out. Going to Aloe & Lotus, THEN also going to Zecora's needlessly drags things out, (without actually getting to Zecora's.)
Summary:
A funny idea, and a great choice of subjects, but it needs a lot of polish, both technically, and in overall pacing. Above all, this is a comedy piece, and comedy is all about timing. The pacing on this slows a bit too much at times, and I think could be improved to make the jokes and physical/sight gags work to better effect. Still, a fun read though!
One page in, and a mustache prank! Great idea from the picture prompt!
A lot of typos are really breaking my immersion.
A long way in and I'm still not sure what Sweetie looks like. Some visual description would've helped earlier on.
Pros:
A funny idea, especially considering the prompt picture.
Everypony felt in character.
Cons:
A lot of technical problems made it hard to not get distracted.
More visual detail would've helped. I assumed it was a mustache until two pages in and found it was a beard. Ditto with Sweetie. I thought she was just hiding in blankets, or immobile like velcro or something. Only at the end do I get an impression it was more Flufflepuff.
The two-part take drags things out. Going to Aloe & Lotus, THEN also going to Zecora's needlessly drags things out, (without actually getting to Zecora's.)
Summary:
A funny idea, and a great choice of subjects, but it needs a lot of polish, both technically, and in overall pacing. Above all, this is a comedy piece, and comedy is all about timing. The pacing on this slows a bit too much at times, and I think could be improved to make the jokes and physical/sight gags work to better effect. Still, a fun read though!
Quick Takes:
Hmm... Bigfeet? Interesting angle to start with.
Nice details with the diadem.
Very great visuals as Rarity describes the dream.
Pros:
Some very eloquent and evocative language. Wonderfully written!
The otherworldly, dreamscape feel is captured and feels both "cold" and heartening at the same time.
Cons:
I didn't realize "The Unicorn in the Garden" connection until Baal pointed it out. I hadn't read that story since I was a kid. Thus, several things that are contrived to make the visuals match the original story feel weird and out of place. E.g. the rose petals still on the lips. (Rarity wouldn't leave food on her face.)
Why is this framed as a conversation with Twilight? She doesn't seem to add anything to the story.
Summary:
This is a beautiful story, and all the more clever once one realizes the connection to Thurber's piece. But when standing alone, it has a slightly harder time carrying things. The framing of the story also seems unnecessary, with the bigfoot legends (and Twilight's zealous dismissal of them) not really fitting the tone of the rest of the story. Still though, a great concept and some beautiful language to go with it.
Hmm... Bigfeet? Interesting angle to start with.
Nice details with the diadem.
Very great visuals as Rarity describes the dream.
Pros:
Some very eloquent and evocative language. Wonderfully written!
The otherworldly, dreamscape feel is captured and feels both "cold" and heartening at the same time.
Cons:
I didn't realize "The Unicorn in the Garden" connection until Baal pointed it out. I hadn't read that story since I was a kid. Thus, several things that are contrived to make the visuals match the original story feel weird and out of place. E.g. the rose petals still on the lips. (Rarity wouldn't leave food on her face.)
Why is this framed as a conversation with Twilight? She doesn't seem to add anything to the story.
Summary:
This is a beautiful story, and all the more clever once one realizes the connection to Thurber's piece. But when standing alone, it has a slightly harder time carrying things. The framing of the story also seems unnecessary, with the bigfoot legends (and Twilight's zealous dismissal of them) not really fitting the tone of the rest of the story. Still though, a great concept and some beautiful language to go with it.
Quick Takes:
Some fun turns of phrase in the Pinkie Pie section.
She's a teenager but doesn't have her cutie mark? Do alicorns age slower maybe?
Twilight being accidentally "speciest" is amusing.
A sunstone as Dumbo's feather?
Starting to get more typos here in the latter bits.
Okay, that ending... what a great visual metaphor!
Pros:
Lots of little details in "teenage" Flurry to make her feel real.
Jokes/gags in the Pinkie bit were amusing.
The scientific approach to resolving things felt very Twilight.
Cons:
The pinkie bit was a bit long for only being (really) a setup for post-credits stinger.
Lots of typos cropped up near the end. Definitely felt rushed.
The "research" bit at the end needed more clues (or more foreshadowing) to let the reader grasp things sooner. Or it just needed to be shorter. As it sits, we're as frustrated as Flurry in getting to the answer.
Summary:
A very solid story with a great visual metaphor at the end, and bonus points for using the prompt image so directly. But things could be a bit more focused. The story feels a bit like it's torn between "scientific mystery" and "teen angst/family bonding." I can see how it's tying them together, but that needs to be done a bit more smoothly. Probably wouldn't hurt to see more from Flurry's perspective, to really get a sense of her self-doubt. Still though a really enjoyable read with a heartwarming payoff.
Some fun turns of phrase in the Pinkie Pie section.
She's a teenager but doesn't have her cutie mark? Do alicorns age slower maybe?
Twilight being accidentally "speciest" is amusing.
A sunstone as Dumbo's feather?
Starting to get more typos here in the latter bits.
Okay, that ending... what a great visual metaphor!
Pros:
Lots of little details in "teenage" Flurry to make her feel real.
Jokes/gags in the Pinkie bit were amusing.
The scientific approach to resolving things felt very Twilight.
Cons:
The pinkie bit was a bit long for only being (really) a setup for post-credits stinger.
Lots of typos cropped up near the end. Definitely felt rushed.
The "research" bit at the end needed more clues (or more foreshadowing) to let the reader grasp things sooner. Or it just needed to be shorter. As it sits, we're as frustrated as Flurry in getting to the answer.
Summary:
A very solid story with a great visual metaphor at the end, and bonus points for using the prompt image so directly. But things could be a bit more focused. The story feels a bit like it's torn between "scientific mystery" and "teen angst/family bonding." I can see how it's tying them together, but that needs to be done a bit more smoothly. Probably wouldn't hurt to see more from Flurry's perspective, to really get a sense of her self-doubt. Still though a really enjoyable read with a heartwarming payoff.
I'll start with the standard caveat that what follows is the POV of one reader; take what insight you can find and discard what doesn't work for you.
I particularly like fly-on-the-wall conversational stories. I like it in the movies, on TV, and in written pieces. Your story was just that and I liked it! You in particular took the artwork, and the theme, for this prompt and ran with, and did it justice. I saw no in-writing errors (but I'm not a good proofreader, so there). The piece's ratio of length to content was very close to beginning to feeling too long to me, but then it concluded handily with a nice twist and pun that worked on many levels. Really, I liked it.
There were really only two issues: 1) Do you buff the shining rag with your shoes? Or is it the other way around? The hoof/buff sentence threw me out of the story, albeit only momentarily. 2) The pun at the end, which further makes the title of the story a pun is truly one of the better finishes. However, it solidly depends on the audience being familiar with literary criticism. There's a good chance that might be true in this group, though I only learned of Mort de l'auteur in the last year, despite having written since the 80's. That happened when a reader understood something completely opposite of what I wrote out in one of my stories, then he proceeded to argue he was more correct than I! (He was right, too. The reader always trumps the writer, so it's important to write clearly if you want any chance of being interpreted as you want to be interpreted.) The change you made to the title of the referenced essay is of course the pun, which you punned on in the reaction of the fainted pony and juxtaposed with the title. The problem is, did it hit the target with the reader? What would happen if the reader didn't get it? Just wanted you to be aware of that.
Suggestions: You could have heightened the tension in the story by mentioning the fainted pony a few times. Well, Lawn Chair might look "mortified" even though just fainted. You might have been able to skip the lit-ref completely by writing the ending as you did but using some sort of play on interpretation being in the eye of the beholder; probably wouldn't have been as good though...
Good job.
I particularly like fly-on-the-wall conversational stories. I like it in the movies, on TV, and in written pieces. Your story was just that and I liked it! You in particular took the artwork, and the theme, for this prompt and ran with, and did it justice. I saw no in-writing errors (but I'm not a good proofreader, so there). The piece's ratio of length to content was very close to beginning to feeling too long to me, but then it concluded handily with a nice twist and pun that worked on many levels. Really, I liked it.
There were really only two issues: 1) Do you buff the shining rag with your shoes? Or is it the other way around? The hoof/buff sentence threw me out of the story, albeit only momentarily. 2) The pun at the end, which further makes the title of the story a pun is truly one of the better finishes. However, it solidly depends on the audience being familiar with literary criticism. There's a good chance that might be true in this group, though I only learned of Mort de l'auteur in the last year, despite having written since the 80's. That happened when a reader understood something completely opposite of what I wrote out in one of my stories, then he proceeded to argue he was more correct than I! (He was right, too. The reader always trumps the writer, so it's important to write clearly if you want any chance of being interpreted as you want to be interpreted.) The change you made to the title of the referenced essay is of course the pun, which you punned on in the reaction of the fainted pony and juxtaposed with the title. The problem is, did it hit the target with the reader? What would happen if the reader didn't get it? Just wanted you to be aware of that.
Suggestions: You could have heightened the tension in the story by mentioning the fainted pony a few times. Well, Lawn Chair might look "mortified" even though just fainted. You might have been able to skip the lit-ref completely by writing the ending as you did but using some sort of play on interpretation being in the eye of the beholder; probably wouldn't have been as good though...
Good job.
Quick Takes:
Page one, and we're already at child slavery? And just when I wanted something pleasant before bed.
"Babyloin"? Is the extra "i" intentional? Because that sounds... sadistic. Baby Loin Steak. (Or stuff more NSFW.)
Getting a real vibe of "ancient equestria" here, which is a nice change of pace from the other "modern" stories this round. Also makes me think this is Luna, pre-ascension.
The word "tummy" seems out of place among all the much more formal language here.
Pros:
The world-building is great.
Extremely engaging throughout the whole story. A definite page turner.
Unique setting/tone that really comes into its own.
Cons:
The harshness of the child slavery thing just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
As noted, the "Babyloin" spelling just... Ewww.
Focuses a lot on moonstones/"tears" without really ever showing us what they're useful for. Felt like Chekov's gun misfired.
Summary:
This was an excellent piece of mythology and pre-equstrian history. It seemed to aim for a tone of something like ancient roman colonies, and it definitely hit that solidly. The pacing is also great, as noted, keeping me engaged the entire time. My biggest complaints are probably that it hold a lot in reserve, leaving me feeling like this is the start of a novel (one I really want to read) rather than a full story. I wanted to see more of this ancient Celestia and of the coming conflict in the world, rather than have quite so many details about rock polishing. I get that Blue Moon's work is literally repetitive, but the narrative felt like it was reinforcing that a little too literally. A few of the darker bits (the absolute harshness of the bits/bridles, etc.) could be toned down, as they set the tone a bit darker than the story ends up being.
Still, this was a great read and pretty much the top of my slate. Great job!
Page one, and we're already at child slavery? And just when I wanted something pleasant before bed.
"Babyloin"? Is the extra "i" intentional? Because that sounds... sadistic. Baby Loin Steak. (Or stuff more NSFW.)
Getting a real vibe of "ancient equestria" here, which is a nice change of pace from the other "modern" stories this round. Also makes me think this is Luna, pre-ascension.
The word "tummy" seems out of place among all the much more formal language here.
Pros:
The world-building is great.
Extremely engaging throughout the whole story. A definite page turner.
Unique setting/tone that really comes into its own.
Cons:
The harshness of the child slavery thing just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
As noted, the "Babyloin" spelling just... Ewww.
Focuses a lot on moonstones/"tears" without really ever showing us what they're useful for. Felt like Chekov's gun misfired.
Summary:
This was an excellent piece of mythology and pre-equstrian history. It seemed to aim for a tone of something like ancient roman colonies, and it definitely hit that solidly. The pacing is also great, as noted, keeping me engaged the entire time. My biggest complaints are probably that it hold a lot in reserve, leaving me feeling like this is the start of a novel (one I really want to read) rather than a full story. I wanted to see more of this ancient Celestia and of the coming conflict in the world, rather than have quite so many details about rock polishing. I get that Blue Moon's work is literally repetitive, but the narrative felt like it was reinforcing that a little too literally. A few of the darker bits (the absolute harshness of the bits/bridles, etc.) could be toned down, as they set the tone a bit darker than the story ends up being.
Still, this was a great read and pretty much the top of my slate. Great job!
>>Miller Minus, >>horizon, >>Xepher, >>Rocket Lawn Chair
Played Just as It Came Out
I had a scene in mind of a spread of tarot cards, including Sun and Moon, with a Devil Discord atop them. But what I had in my mind’s eye, I could not draw in time. I had to cheat with bits and pieces of what I had accomplished and make a bare bones version.
Instead of doing a detailed parody of the Devil card with flaming holes in it as my centerpiece, I cheaped out and made a Chaos card instead. I did apply creative effort to this, and I am glad to see it was appreciated.
In keeping with the prompt, I had meant to play on the tarot concept of reversal - that the meaning of a card changes if it’s upside down. Discord is conveying that, no matter what, his card is only ever going to come up Chaos for you, and you’re going to have to deal with it. In retrospect, I should perhaps have inverted Discord instead, leaving the frame right side up. The colored background behind Discord’s head is an Illustrator fill pattern
The Sun card is very sketchy indeed where the Chaos card covers it. I had planned to customize it more for MLP but lacked the time.
None of this is cut and paste. I used the Rider cards as a reference and drew my own versions in Illustrator. I then laid the cards out in Photoshop, where I added a background, drop shadows and texture.
Thanks for the great comments!
Played Just as It Came Out
I had a scene in mind of a spread of tarot cards, including Sun and Moon, with a Devil Discord atop them. But what I had in my mind’s eye, I could not draw in time. I had to cheat with bits and pieces of what I had accomplished and make a bare bones version.
Instead of doing a detailed parody of the Devil card with flaming holes in it as my centerpiece, I cheaped out and made a Chaos card instead. I did apply creative effort to this, and I am glad to see it was appreciated.
In keeping with the prompt, I had meant to play on the tarot concept of reversal - that the meaning of a card changes if it’s upside down. Discord is conveying that, no matter what, his card is only ever going to come up Chaos for you, and you’re going to have to deal with it. In retrospect, I should perhaps have inverted Discord instead, leaving the frame right side up. The colored background behind Discord’s head is an Illustrator fill pattern
The Sun card is very sketchy indeed where the Chaos card covers it. I had planned to customize it more for MLP but lacked the time.
None of this is cut and paste. I used the Rider cards as a reference and drew my own versions in Illustrator. I then laid the cards out in Photoshop, where I added a background, drop shadows and texture.
Thanks for the great comments!
Nuts. Artist, I'm sorry this didn't fare better in the results. This helped inspire a story idea that I think will ultimately have legs and show up at some point.
I'm going to:
Largely agree with >>Chris and >>Xepher. The heart of the story--teenage Flurry learns that she's not necessarily a monster--is very nice, but the spectral analysis stuff left me completely behind and the Pinkie stuff seems to come from nowhere and lead nowhere.
But I find myself full of questions. Has Flurry permanently altered the sun's radiation signature? And if these three lines appear on the other readings Flurry took herself but not on the ones she took with Twilight's help, how is it that Twilight hasn't noticed them before? I'm guessing that whatever substances they're testing have been through this spectrographic process before, so wouldn't these extraneous lines have stood out as not normal? Does Twilight have her own detectable radiation signature? Or is Flurry unique in this way, too?
There's a lot here to work with, author--maybe Pinkie's continued failures to make something edible could be a lesson for Flurry in perserverance? And I hope you'll keep working with it!
Mike
Largely agree with >>Chris and >>Xepher. The heart of the story--teenage Flurry learns that she's not necessarily a monster--is very nice, but the spectral analysis stuff left me completely behind and the Pinkie stuff seems to come from nowhere and lead nowhere.
But I find myself full of questions. Has Flurry permanently altered the sun's radiation signature? And if these three lines appear on the other readings Flurry took herself but not on the ones she took with Twilight's help, how is it that Twilight hasn't noticed them before? I'm guessing that whatever substances they're testing have been through this spectrographic process before, so wouldn't these extraneous lines have stood out as not normal? Does Twilight have her own detectable radiation signature? Or is Flurry unique in this way, too?
There's a lot here to work with, author--maybe Pinkie's continued failures to make something edible could be a lesson for Flurry in perserverance? And I hope you'll keep working with it!
Mike
Wow. Because what I write here might seem out of left field, consider that this is what one reader got while reading what you wrote, then take or leave whatever makes sense to you.
I liked this story. That said, I stumbled while reading it, twice.
First, the good stuff:
Single best line I've read in a while: "That's not just crazy, it's crazy with extra nuts!" I hope it was you that originally penned the line, but even if it was borrowed, it was especially good in context.
You obviously get Discord, and you wrote dialogue that I could recognize without attribution. I know there's a cadence of pausing sprinkled with sounding put upon, being a victim, and wise-ass whining that I've never quite been able to formulate. You nailed it.
Your Pinkie comes in a close second to your take on Discord. I think it was colored more by your conception of her, which came through in how you characterized her: you made her illogic logical. It's not quite the show Pinkie. A smidgen grittier? Very nice.
The story/plot, like your drive to explain Pinkie, was well conceived and, but for the last caveat below, well executed. You're right: Pinkie and Discord are very much alike. I can only think that the show hasn't capitalized on that to make them better friends because the show's more about tolerance of opposites than finding soulmates. I like what you did. Enough said.
Now for the stumbles, aka, things that threw me out of the story:
The third paragraph, which described Pinkie's location/orientation, left me initially thinking she was stuck to the ceiling. When she later jumps to her hooves, I suddenly realized I'd misread. When I went back and checked the paragraph, I found that when I took the time to read it slowly I was able to parse it such as to properly to place her on the floor upside down, thus the problem is unlikely to be syntactical. The multiple clauses required me to keep the clues and images in relational and logical order in my head. At the end of it, I asked myself, "Where's Pinkie?" The first time I thought, "Hooves stuck to the ceiling." Could this be a case of too much show and not enough tell? Review this paragraph carefully and know at least one reader got lost and try to figure out how that happened. Do you do this in other stories?
This final issue is more complex. You used a literary device in your story, one that in the end proved very successful: Little Discords inside Discord and Little Pinkie Pies in Pinkie.
When I encountered it in Pinkie, I thought, "This really provides an insight into Pinkie's character and makes her more fun."
When I encountered you using the same device in Discord, I thought, "Oh. Right. It's only a literary device and the author just reused it. How unimaginative." That started me analyzing the writing rather than relaxing into the story.
As I continued reading and saw it used more, I thought, "The author better use the device again when he introduces his third POV or its use will be inconsistent, also." But you didn't add a third I was beginning to expect.
Finally, I thought to myself, "If the little characters in the big characters aren't real or important and they don't play an integral part of the solution to the problems in the story, the whole thing will be very disappointing."
Surprise, surprise. The literary device proved integral to the ending.
So, what's the source of my dissatisfaction? The little characters in the big characters is an obvious literary device. And a plot device. And it proves to be a part of the characters, literally, not figuratively. It's a chimera that is part of the writing and is being written about, it is how the story is crafted and partly of the subject of the story. It's poetic and it's trying to be prose. And way too visible. From my POV, it got in the way of the storytelling.
An author should strive to make his or her writing invisible. Ultimately, something in the story needs to introduce the concept so it doesn't immediately feel like a metaphor—something that makes the concept seem like corpuscles in the bloodstream, perhaps? OR: Could you remove it and still make the story work?
Sorry, as much as I'd like to offer advice about how to tame this... brilliant monster you created, I cannot do much more than point it out at the moment. If any of this makes sense to you and you'd like to ask questions of me about this, or wish to point out stuff I missed that might help me further help you, please do. Ultimately, re-read the boldfaced second sentence of this critique.
I liked this story. That said, I stumbled while reading it, twice.
First, the good stuff:
Single best line I've read in a while: "That's not just crazy, it's crazy with extra nuts!" I hope it was you that originally penned the line, but even if it was borrowed, it was especially good in context.
You obviously get Discord, and you wrote dialogue that I could recognize without attribution. I know there's a cadence of pausing sprinkled with sounding put upon, being a victim, and wise-ass whining that I've never quite been able to formulate. You nailed it.
Your Pinkie comes in a close second to your take on Discord. I think it was colored more by your conception of her, which came through in how you characterized her: you made her illogic logical. It's not quite the show Pinkie. A smidgen grittier? Very nice.
The story/plot, like your drive to explain Pinkie, was well conceived and, but for the last caveat below, well executed. You're right: Pinkie and Discord are very much alike. I can only think that the show hasn't capitalized on that to make them better friends because the show's more about tolerance of opposites than finding soulmates. I like what you did. Enough said.
Now for the stumbles, aka, things that threw me out of the story:
The third paragraph, which described Pinkie's location/orientation, left me initially thinking she was stuck to the ceiling. When she later jumps to her hooves, I suddenly realized I'd misread. When I went back and checked the paragraph, I found that when I took the time to read it slowly I was able to parse it such as to properly to place her on the floor upside down, thus the problem is unlikely to be syntactical. The multiple clauses required me to keep the clues and images in relational and logical order in my head. At the end of it, I asked myself, "Where's Pinkie?" The first time I thought, "Hooves stuck to the ceiling." Could this be a case of too much show and not enough tell? Review this paragraph carefully and know at least one reader got lost and try to figure out how that happened. Do you do this in other stories?
This final issue is more complex. You used a literary device in your story, one that in the end proved very successful: Little Discords inside Discord and Little Pinkie Pies in Pinkie.
When I encountered it in Pinkie, I thought, "This really provides an insight into Pinkie's character and makes her more fun."
When I encountered you using the same device in Discord, I thought, "Oh. Right. It's only a literary device and the author just reused it. How unimaginative." That started me analyzing the writing rather than relaxing into the story.
As I continued reading and saw it used more, I thought, "The author better use the device again when he introduces his third POV or its use will be inconsistent, also." But you didn't add a third I was beginning to expect.
Finally, I thought to myself, "If the little characters in the big characters aren't real or important and they don't play an integral part of the solution to the problems in the story, the whole thing will be very disappointing."
Surprise, surprise. The literary device proved integral to the ending.
So, what's the source of my dissatisfaction? The little characters in the big characters is an obvious literary device. And a plot device. And it proves to be a part of the characters, literally, not figuratively. It's a chimera that is part of the writing and is being written about, it is how the story is crafted and partly of the subject of the story. It's poetic and it's trying to be prose. And way too visible. From my POV, it got in the way of the storytelling.
An author should strive to make his or her writing invisible. Ultimately, something in the story needs to introduce the concept so it doesn't immediately feel like a metaphor—something that makes the concept seem like corpuscles in the bloodstream, perhaps? OR: Could you remove it and still make the story work?
Sorry, as much as I'd like to offer advice about how to tame this... brilliant monster you created, I cannot do much more than point it out at the moment. If any of this makes sense to you and you'd like to ask questions of me about this, or wish to point out stuff I missed that might help me further help you, please do. Ultimately, re-read the boldfaced second sentence of this critique.
Nice, nice, nice:
And exactly 8,000 words, too!
As for my by-now-standard two suggestions, I'll advocate for moving the third scene to the beginning of the story. Here are my reasons: it'll let you start the whole thing with the line, "In the future, long after Equestria's bittersweet end..."; it'll introduce the temporal dislocation that the story's structure swirls around so very well; and most importantly to me, it'll give us the concept of yromem right at the beginning.
'Cause to give us two scenes of a cute little comedy about Discord wanting to know what it's like to be unlucky, and then in the third scene to say to the reader, "Oh, and by the way, here's this brand-new thing you've never heard of that it turns out is an intrinsic part of Discord's being," that's the sorta thing that makes me trip pretty badly when I'm reading. I'm much more receptive to that sort of paradigm-shifting stuff when it's given to me right at the start instead of slipped in after I've already settled in to a story.
On the other pseudopod, of course, that sort of "wait, what?" moment is kinda Discord's hallmark, so I'll just point it out, author, and leave the rest to your sense of duty.
My second suggestion is to make the scene after Sunset and the girls blast Discord a little clearer. Maybe Discord could realize that he's watching things from outside himself a little earlier? Also, if Harmony has rebalanced the world, wouldn't Sunset address him as Darrell immediately afterwards instead of as Discord? I mean, if Aria knows the whole story about Celestia and Darrell, wouldn't Sunset? And wouldn't Darrell know about the kids who've been using magic if he's been hanging around Canterlot High for any length of time?
Oh, and I had to Google "Vantablack," too. I assumed at first that it was a video game reference that I failed to get 'cause I don't play video games... Top of my slate here, though.
Mike
And exactly 8,000 words, too!
As for my by-now-standard two suggestions, I'll advocate for moving the third scene to the beginning of the story. Here are my reasons: it'll let you start the whole thing with the line, "In the future, long after Equestria's bittersweet end..."; it'll introduce the temporal dislocation that the story's structure swirls around so very well; and most importantly to me, it'll give us the concept of yromem right at the beginning.
'Cause to give us two scenes of a cute little comedy about Discord wanting to know what it's like to be unlucky, and then in the third scene to say to the reader, "Oh, and by the way, here's this brand-new thing you've never heard of that it turns out is an intrinsic part of Discord's being," that's the sorta thing that makes me trip pretty badly when I'm reading. I'm much more receptive to that sort of paradigm-shifting stuff when it's given to me right at the start instead of slipped in after I've already settled in to a story.
On the other pseudopod, of course, that sort of "wait, what?" moment is kinda Discord's hallmark, so I'll just point it out, author, and leave the rest to your sense of duty.
My second suggestion is to make the scene after Sunset and the girls blast Discord a little clearer. Maybe Discord could realize that he's watching things from outside himself a little earlier? Also, if Harmony has rebalanced the world, wouldn't Sunset address him as Darrell immediately afterwards instead of as Discord? I mean, if Aria knows the whole story about Celestia and Darrell, wouldn't Sunset? And wouldn't Darrell know about the kids who've been using magic if he's been hanging around Canterlot High for any length of time?
Oh, and I had to Google "Vantablack," too. I assumed at first that it was a video game reference that I failed to get 'cause I don't play video games... Top of my slate here, though.
Mike
>>Anon Y Mous
My problem:
With pictures that already tell a perfectly fine story is that I look at them and can't see what I could possibly contribute...
Mike
My problem:
With pictures that already tell a perfectly fine story is that I look at them and can't see what I could possibly contribute...
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
Hmm. That's a good point I'll have to keep in mind next time there's a pic-to-fic round. When the idea comes to me, I forget other people are trying to make the stories out of it, and that my drawing is only meant to be part of a whole. Next time I do art for one of these rounds, I might experiment with something a bit more conceptual.
I don't really understand the science behind inspiring people, if there is any. I know I had a hard time figuring out what to write during the one pic-to-fic round I participated in a few months ago—and I didn't like what I made, either. Maybe my brain isn't wired to see the story outside of the pic as well as others.
Also, I noticed this round a fair number of writers throwing in the towel early, including myself. Dunno if that's an issue of bad timing, lack of inspiration, or what.
Hmm. That's a good point I'll have to keep in mind next time there's a pic-to-fic round. When the idea comes to me, I forget other people are trying to make the stories out of it, and that my drawing is only meant to be part of a whole. Next time I do art for one of these rounds, I might experiment with something a bit more conceptual.
I don't really understand the science behind inspiring people, if there is any. I know I had a hard time figuring out what to write during the one pic-to-fic round I participated in a few months ago—and I didn't like what I made, either. Maybe my brain isn't wired to see the story outside of the pic as well as others.
Also, I noticed this round a fair number of writers throwing in the towel early, including myself. Dunno if that's an issue of bad timing, lack of inspiration, or what.
>>Rocket Lawn Chair
For the record, this was one of the pieces of art that inspired me, I'm just a bastard.
For the record, this was one of the pieces of art that inspired me, I'm just a bastard.
Before I start, this is a critique of what one reader understood reading what you wrote. I have not read anyone else's critiques, and won't until after voting ends. Take what I say if it proves helpful or ignore it; your choice.
So far as I can tell, not being a proofreader, this story was well written. The language you used was evocative and provided plenty of images; I had a sense of being there. You handled the dialogue for both Rarity and Twilight—both by word choice and implied tonality, and cadence, as demonstrated by your use of punctuation and italicization—such that I would have know who was speaking without need of attribution. This is an achievement. I found the conversation interesting, too.
As I began reading, I sensed that the conflict was centered around whether or not humans existed (aka Big Foot or the Lock Ness Monster). This raised the stakes for Twilight appreciably, depending on whether their existence could be proven or disproven. I began to wonder if the story would go from a fly on the wall witnessed-argument piece to a true story piece where Rarity was pranking Twilight in the end for being so serious. As it progressed, I became convinced of the latter.
Both types of stories provide tension. Arguments entice the reader to choose sides. Pranking makes you wonder when the target will figure it out or if you like or display the prankster for her effort. Sadly, neither proved the case, despite all the mile posts along the way.
In the end, you wrote a melancholy slice-of-life story. I felt it ended in a whimper instead of a bang.
Do not get me wrong: I am not saying the story is bad. It's well written, certainly. I think that maybe you weren't convinced where the idea would go? My best advice is to not only know ahead of time how your story will end, but the impact or message you wish to present by getting there. Also, whilst conflict and FiM slice-of-life don't necessary go together, you did put Rarity and Twilight into conflict in the beginning; I for one would've like to seen that carried through to a resolution.
So far as I can tell, not being a proofreader, this story was well written. The language you used was evocative and provided plenty of images; I had a sense of being there. You handled the dialogue for both Rarity and Twilight—both by word choice and implied tonality, and cadence, as demonstrated by your use of punctuation and italicization—such that I would have know who was speaking without need of attribution. This is an achievement. I found the conversation interesting, too.
As I began reading, I sensed that the conflict was centered around whether or not humans existed (aka Big Foot or the Lock Ness Monster). This raised the stakes for Twilight appreciably, depending on whether their existence could be proven or disproven. I began to wonder if the story would go from a fly on the wall witnessed-argument piece to a true story piece where Rarity was pranking Twilight in the end for being so serious. As it progressed, I became convinced of the latter.
Both types of stories provide tension. Arguments entice the reader to choose sides. Pranking makes you wonder when the target will figure it out or if you like or display the prankster for her effort. Sadly, neither proved the case, despite all the mile posts along the way.
In the end, you wrote a melancholy slice-of-life story. I felt it ended in a whimper instead of a bang.
Do not get me wrong: I am not saying the story is bad. It's well written, certainly. I think that maybe you weren't convinced where the idea would go? My best advice is to not only know ahead of time how your story will end, but the impact or message you wish to present by getting there. Also, whilst conflict and FiM slice-of-life don't necessary go together, you did put Rarity and Twilight into conflict in the beginning; I for one would've like to seen that carried through to a resolution.
Before I start, this is a critique of what one reader understood reading what you wrote. I have not read anyone else's critiques, and won't until after voting ends. Take what I say if it proves helpful or ignore it; your choice.
First off, I can see that this is not a first-draft. Most of it is written expertly, but you didn't catch everything and those road apples really irked me because all were obvious... to me, but proofing one's own writing is the worst! Right? May I suggest that you either read your stories aloud when you think you're done, or have your phone/tablet/computer read it to you? This is what I do.
The story contains many delights. I actually rated it pretty high. Unlike others who struggled to get a full story up, you produced a cornucopia of content! While this has probably happened to me before, nobody has given me this specific advice I have heard told others. Once you've started writing, look for where the story actually begins. (Usually, this is a recipe for getting over blank-page-can't-start-writing syndrome, specifically, just write whatever until you find the actual beginning of your story, but I digress.)
Your story is an onion. Your real story is a gem, and I'm not saying this to humor you.
The real story is Twilight helping her OP niece overcome her fears to raise the sun, and handling the aftermath together. I found it moving (no pun intended). If you start where Flurry finds Twilight not being able to sleep and ends with the meaning of the mare on the sun, you've got a winner. I would suggest you clean it up and publish it on FimFiction, stat.
The next layer of the onion is Flurry being furious about growing up a teenage alicorn. While this is also quite interesting, it's just deep background. None of it, other than being an alicorn teenager with angst matters to the core story, and in the core a sentence or two will suffice. The machinations you went through to explain Flurry being fluffy doesn't jibe with canon. What does that even bring to the whole story or even to this layer except extra words. As cute as the holo spell-phone connection (from The Movie, right?) is, I found it disorienting. With a little cleanup, it might serve to introduce the core story by setting Twilight taking care of Flurry, but the story could just as well happen at the Friendship Castle on an overnight visit. In other words, this middle layer kind of works, but doesn't really flow.
The outer layer of the onion is Pinkie. She is unnecessary to the story in the beginning and her presence in the end distracts from the unmitigated solar warmth of the "shadow" revelation toward the end. What does Pinkie add? Ask yourself that.
In summary, I suggest you look in the work, and possibly your others, and cut the unnecessary fluff (pun intended). Find where the story starts.
Good job on the central core, though. I mean, yeah, upvote!
First off, I can see that this is not a first-draft. Most of it is written expertly, but you didn't catch everything and those road apples really irked me because all were obvious... to me, but proofing one's own writing is the worst! Right? May I suggest that you either read your stories aloud when you think you're done, or have your phone/tablet/computer read it to you? This is what I do.
The story contains many delights. I actually rated it pretty high. Unlike others who struggled to get a full story up, you produced a cornucopia of content! While this has probably happened to me before, nobody has given me this specific advice I have heard told others. Once you've started writing, look for where the story actually begins. (Usually, this is a recipe for getting over blank-page-can't-start-writing syndrome, specifically, just write whatever until you find the actual beginning of your story, but I digress.)
Your story is an onion. Your real story is a gem, and I'm not saying this to humor you.
The real story is Twilight helping her OP niece overcome her fears to raise the sun, and handling the aftermath together. I found it moving (no pun intended). If you start where Flurry finds Twilight not being able to sleep and ends with the meaning of the mare on the sun, you've got a winner. I would suggest you clean it up and publish it on FimFiction, stat.
The next layer of the onion is Flurry being furious about growing up a teenage alicorn. While this is also quite interesting, it's just deep background. None of it, other than being an alicorn teenager with angst matters to the core story, and in the core a sentence or two will suffice. The machinations you went through to explain Flurry being fluffy doesn't jibe with canon. What does that even bring to the whole story or even to this layer except extra words. As cute as the holo spell-phone connection (from The Movie, right?) is, I found it disorienting. With a little cleanup, it might serve to introduce the core story by setting Twilight taking care of Flurry, but the story could just as well happen at the Friendship Castle on an overnight visit. In other words, this middle layer kind of works, but doesn't really flow.
The outer layer of the onion is Pinkie. She is unnecessary to the story in the beginning and her presence in the end distracts from the unmitigated solar warmth of the "shadow" revelation toward the end. What does Pinkie add? Ask yourself that.
In summary, I suggest you look in the work, and possibly your others, and cut the unnecessary fluff (pun intended). Find where the story starts.
Good job on the central core, though. I mean, yeah, upvote!
Well, I went to see if there was anymore stories to review after reading through my voting slate. None. Not many of us attempting the long form this round, but everyone gave it a good try. Pats on the back. Much to learn, to think about. Interesting reading, provacative images. Well worth the trouble. To those who critiqued my entry, thank you. Back after the voting's done to read what you said about it!
The little back and forth:
With >>Rocket Lawn Chair got me thinking about a fully visual prompt for some future round. Make it a Pony round to give the artists a little direction, but for Monday through Wednesday, they put together any art piece they want to. Thursday the art gallery goes up, and we all give "up thumbs" to the ones we think we can write stories about. Friday, then, the piece that got the most thumbs goes up as the prompt, and we all have the weekend to write a story based on that one image.
That might be fun.
Mike
With >>Rocket Lawn Chair got me thinking about a fully visual prompt for some future round. Make it a Pony round to give the artists a little direction, but for Monday through Wednesday, they put together any art piece they want to. Thursday the art gallery goes up, and we all give "up thumbs" to the ones we think we can write stories about. Friday, then, the piece that got the most thumbs goes up as the prompt, and we all have the weekend to write a story based on that one image.
That might be fun.
Mike
I'll agree:
With those above about the fun situation here, but I'll also agree about the roughness, especially when it came to visualizing things. The line, "Maybe that’s why so many stallions stroked their mustache when thinking" in the third paragraph immediately made me see Rarity with a big, bushy mustache. It's not till halfway through the story when Aloe says, "Thankfully, now you don’t have a beard, but a goatee" that I get the full picture. It always trips me up when reading, as I think I talked about on an earlier story this round, when I've got to rework the image in my head because I wasn't given complete information to start with. It's a similar thing with Sweetie Belle. I don't get any sort of description of what's happened to her at the top, so I had no idea how to see her till nearly the end.
Something else I'll bring up are the character voices. One of my favorite things about this show is how distinctly the characters speak--not just the sound of their voices but more importantly the words they choice to use. I tend to go too far on this--especially when I'm writing Applejack--but to have AJ say as she does here "It’s a little too far for a stroll" instead of something like "Kinda far for a stroll," or "I was caught off-guard" instead of something like "Caught me off guard's all," again, it might just be me, but I thought I'd bring it up... :)
Mike
With those above about the fun situation here, but I'll also agree about the roughness, especially when it came to visualizing things. The line, "Maybe that’s why so many stallions stroked their mustache when thinking" in the third paragraph immediately made me see Rarity with a big, bushy mustache. It's not till halfway through the story when Aloe says, "Thankfully, now you don’t have a beard, but a goatee" that I get the full picture. It always trips me up when reading, as I think I talked about on an earlier story this round, when I've got to rework the image in my head because I wasn't given complete information to start with. It's a similar thing with Sweetie Belle. I don't get any sort of description of what's happened to her at the top, so I had no idea how to see her till nearly the end.
Something else I'll bring up are the character voices. One of my favorite things about this show is how distinctly the characters speak--not just the sound of their voices but more importantly the words they choice to use. I tend to go too far on this--especially when I'm writing Applejack--but to have AJ say as she does here "It’s a little too far for a stroll" instead of something like "Kinda far for a stroll," or "I was caught off-guard" instead of something like "Caught me off guard's all," again, it might just be me, but I thought I'd bring it up... :)
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
Hey, that's kind of a neat idea! Essentially it's splitting "Most Inspirational" into its own voting category.
I think if we did that, though, we'd need to have a second round of voting on which piece of art you thought was best, regardless of whether or not it inspired a story. That way we could still get in critiques of quality, concept, and technique for the purpose of helping artists improve.
Still, I'm on board with this suggestion!
Hey, that's kind of a neat idea! Essentially it's splitting "Most Inspirational" into its own voting category.
I think if we did that, though, we'd need to have a second round of voting on which piece of art you thought was best, regardless of whether or not it inspired a story. That way we could still get in critiques of quality, concept, and technique for the purpose of helping artists improve.
Still, I'm on board with this suggestion!
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Chris
>>Xepher
>>scifipony
Thanks for the comments, folks!
And congrats to the other medalists!
As for me, Zaid Val'Roa's pic gave me the opening scene--Pinkie knocked out of bed by twiches the likes of which she's never felt before--but as I started writing, I wasn't sure where it went from there. But I've had a little story lump drifting around in my head ever since the "Discordant Harmony" episode about Fluttershy trying without much success to give Discord regular doses of chaos in his life, something Discord appreciates but also resents terribly since he hates having the word "regular" associated with him in any way, shape, or form. It occurred to me while writing the first paragraphs of this story that Pinkie would be the perfect pony for Fluttershy to bring into the "chaos creation" process, and there was the set-up.
This being the first draft, it definitely needs its share of spackling, but I've got an artist working on a cover image--Discord yodeling while Pinkie plays the tuba--so I can do rewrites till she's finished with that.
Thanks Again,
Mike
>>Chris
>>Xepher
>>scifipony
Thanks for the comments, folks!
And congrats to the other medalists!
As for me, Zaid Val'Roa's pic gave me the opening scene--Pinkie knocked out of bed by twiches the likes of which she's never felt before--but as I started writing, I wasn't sure where it went from there. But I've had a little story lump drifting around in my head ever since the "Discordant Harmony" episode about Fluttershy trying without much success to give Discord regular doses of chaos in his life, something Discord appreciates but also resents terribly since he hates having the word "regular" associated with him in any way, shape, or form. It occurred to me while writing the first paragraphs of this story that Pinkie would be the perfect pony for Fluttershy to bring into the "chaos creation" process, and there was the set-up.
This being the first draft, it definitely needs its share of spackling, but I've got an artist working on a cover image--Discord yodeling while Pinkie plays the tuba--so I can do rewrites till she's finished with that.
Thanks Again,
Mike
Congratulations to Baal and GGA for their medals! And I'm sorry I didn't get around to reviewing this round. :(
The good news is that, largely, it's because I've been working on this story! It's up to about 12,000 words, and I've got just one scene to finish (which hopefully I'll put to bed tonight) before doing some prereading polishing and calling it done. Then it's going to get published in the book of short stories I'm putting together for Bronycon! (And get released to FIMFiction when the book's ready to go.)
I also have to apologize, I think (especially to >>Xepher). Because what you read was arguably toeing the line of cheating, and as a consequence, deliberately crippled in order to comply with Writeoff rules.
I had an idea I was lukewarm on at the start of the round, and then I thought about the Discord art and started thinking about what I might be able to do with a story about him and his EqG mirror counterpart, and then realized that canonically there is no mirror counterpart ... and then further realized that writing about Discord crossing over could give me a chance to write a sequel to Administrative Angel (which started life here in the Writeoffs, winning a bronze in its round). Once that idea bit me in the muse, it wouldn't let go, despite the fact that the rules say stories cannot be explicitly linked to other stories by the same author. I wasn't sure if what I worked on all weekend would end up submittable, but I ended up going over the wordcount limit anyway with several hours to go on Sunday night, which gave me an opportunity to try to trim out the parts that identified it as a sequel, and present it independently.
So if the climax of this piece feels a little disconnected, it's because I ripped the beating heart out of the story and wedged in a 100-word anticlimax to replace it. In the draft that's becoming the final version, Principal Celestia doesn't just cave when the two square off: when she's unable to talk him down, and then he threatens to destroy the world if she can't prove she's the "real" Celestia, she finally lets herself open her wings. (It still doesn't work; that scene bridges back to Dash and Shy's arrival.) There are several other supporting scenes that similarly got yanked away, including an extended one where he talks with Luna in their house after leaving the Sirens, and a number of discussions about the perceived nature of the EqG world.
I'm glad that what got left behind carried this as well as it did!
A few specific comments:
Man, I assumed that was more common knowledge than it was. :-p I might like it too much to drop it, though!
>>Chris >>scifipony
If I shoot you a link to the extended draft, would you be willing to chip in a few specific comments on (respectively) what language knocked you out of the story and what you'd recommend replacing it with; and where Discord's dialogue felt most unlike him?
>>Xepher
This, on the other hand, I'm less sure what to do with. If you'd read to the penultimate scene break, I could understand your comment, but the final scene (starting with Twilight facehoofing) is directly meant to give that a point; far from being a shaggy dog story, the reveal of the misunderstanding is there to both clarify the hanging plot point and specifically to set up the facehoof scene to close that emotional arc. As it says on the tin, this is a weird sort of achronic love story, and the final scene directly sets up the two of them first finding something in common. I've tried to clarify that in the next draft by smoothing out the Twicord parts and adding a little extra exposition around the edges.
>>Baal Bunny
The third-scene-shifting-up thing is a fantastic suggestion that I'm not sure I can use without breaking the pacing. But I'll try to signpost the yromem thing more clearly up front and then merely introduce the word in its current location. I'll see what I can do about the outside-himself thing, too.
The reason Sunset doesn't recognize Darrell is she's never met him. The Sirens only did because they had a reason to interact with him outside school. (Did you ever meet any of your principals' spouses? I know I didn't.)
Anyway, thank you all for reading and participating! I'm grateful I got a chance to put this together.
The good news is that, largely, it's because I've been working on this story! It's up to about 12,000 words, and I've got just one scene to finish (which hopefully I'll put to bed tonight) before doing some prereading polishing and calling it done. Then it's going to get published in the book of short stories I'm putting together for Bronycon! (And get released to FIMFiction when the book's ready to go.)
I also have to apologize, I think (especially to >>Xepher). Because what you read was arguably toeing the line of cheating, and as a consequence, deliberately crippled in order to comply with Writeoff rules.
I had an idea I was lukewarm on at the start of the round, and then I thought about the Discord art and started thinking about what I might be able to do with a story about him and his EqG mirror counterpart, and then realized that canonically there is no mirror counterpart ... and then further realized that writing about Discord crossing over could give me a chance to write a sequel to Administrative Angel (which started life here in the Writeoffs, winning a bronze in its round). Once that idea bit me in the muse, it wouldn't let go, despite the fact that the rules say stories cannot be explicitly linked to other stories by the same author. I wasn't sure if what I worked on all weekend would end up submittable, but I ended up going over the wordcount limit anyway with several hours to go on Sunday night, which gave me an opportunity to try to trim out the parts that identified it as a sequel, and present it independently.
So if the climax of this piece feels a little disconnected, it's because I ripped the beating heart out of the story and wedged in a 100-word anticlimax to replace it. In the draft that's becoming the final version, Principal Celestia doesn't just cave when the two square off: when she's unable to talk him down, and then he threatens to destroy the world if she can't prove she's the "real" Celestia, she finally lets herself open her wings. (It still doesn't work; that scene bridges back to Dash and Shy's arrival.) There are several other supporting scenes that similarly got yanked away, including an extended one where he talks with Luna in their house after leaving the Sirens, and a number of discussions about the perceived nature of the EqG world.
I'm glad that what got left behind carried this as well as it did!
A few specific comments:
Vantablack
Man, I assumed that was more common knowledge than it was. :-p I might like it too much to drop it, though!
>>Chris >>scifipony
If I shoot you a link to the extended draft, would you be willing to chip in a few specific comments on (respectively) what language knocked you out of the story and what you'd recommend replacing it with; and where Discord's dialogue felt most unlike him?
>>Xepher
What happened? The story just stopped.
This, on the other hand, I'm less sure what to do with. If you'd read to the penultimate scene break, I could understand your comment, but the final scene (starting with Twilight facehoofing) is directly meant to give that a point; far from being a shaggy dog story, the reveal of the misunderstanding is there to both clarify the hanging plot point and specifically to set up the facehoof scene to close that emotional arc. As it says on the tin, this is a weird sort of achronic love story, and the final scene directly sets up the two of them first finding something in common. I've tried to clarify that in the next draft by smoothing out the Twicord parts and adding a little extra exposition around the edges.
>>Baal Bunny
The third-scene-shifting-up thing is a fantastic suggestion that I'm not sure I can use without breaking the pacing. But I'll try to signpost the yromem thing more clearly up front and then merely introduce the word in its current location. I'll see what I can do about the outside-himself thing, too.
The reason Sunset doesn't recognize Darrell is she's never met him. The Sirens only did because they had a reason to interact with him outside school. (Did you ever meet any of your principals' spouses? I know I didn't.)
Anyway, thank you all for reading and participating! I'm grateful I got a chance to put this together.
>>Chris
Thank you for a well considered useful critique. If you have a moment to do so, if you could point out a few of the flipped words or weird constructions, I'd be especially grateful. I think some of the run-ons you're referring to are intentionally Dickensian because of my modeling who Blue Moon will become (I'm sure you guessed). I see your point and will reconsider her elocution in the bigger work this chapter introduces her into. As for the darkness, again thank you. For child-slavery, think Dickens again: Oliver Twist.
Thank you for a well considered useful critique. If you have a moment to do so, if you could point out a few of the flipped words or weird constructions, I'd be especially grateful. I think some of the run-ons you're referring to are intentionally Dickensian because of my modeling who Blue Moon will become (I'm sure you guessed). I see your point and will reconsider her elocution in the bigger work this chapter introduces her into. As for the darkness, again thank you. For child-slavery, think Dickens again: Oliver Twist.
>>Baal Bunny
Wow, thank you. Great critique. What you spoke of in the beginning can be summed up as, "Scifipony, get with the program!" Sorry. It would have been nice if the picture chosen (I chose the mare in the sun one) was first. Unfortunately, as you can guess, I wrote from the prompt and looked at the pictures after finishing. Every thing you said about setting expectations (in your case imagery) is super advice and well taken despite the above and I will consider it when I doing some rewriting. Didn't want to give away the Luna connection without the reader deducing it, through.
As for your second part, and Smart Cookie, regarding,
Then you're in luck: To Bring Light to Eternal Darkness. What you read will probably be the third chapter of the sequel to my unredacted version the Hearthwarming tale, Smart Cookie will be one of Celi's many antagonists in the story.
Wow, thank you. Great critique. What you spoke of in the beginning can be summed up as, "Scifipony, get with the program!" Sorry. It would have been nice if the picture chosen (I chose the mare in the sun one) was first. Unfortunately, as you can guess, I wrote from the prompt and looked at the pictures after finishing. Every thing you said about setting expectations (in your case imagery) is super advice and well taken despite the above and I will consider it when I doing some rewriting. Didn't want to give away the Luna connection without the reader deducing it, through.
As for your second part, and Smart Cookie, regarding,
[Are you] planning on continuing and giving us the entire secret history behind the founding of Equestria. 'Cause that's a story I would definitely read.
Then you're in luck: To Bring Light to Eternal Darkness. What you read will probably be the third chapter of the sequel to my unredacted version the Hearthwarming tale, Smart Cookie will be one of Celi's many antagonists in the story.
>>Xepher
One of the things I really like about a good critique is when its author states clearly what they understood and deduced from reading from what I wrote. It's rare when everything I get back is what I intended to communicate. No Mort de l'Auteur here!
Re: Babyloin. Yeah, I see that. Ponification of Babylon gone wrong.
Re: Tummy. Will think about it or have the narrator signal why she's using it.
Re: Moonstones. Yeah, agreed. Maybe too much emphasis.
You're in luck. Read To Bring Light to Eternal Darkeness. This entry was something I wanted to write (probably a third chapter in the sequel) and the prompt pried it loose from my grey matter. The novella series is social commentary, cultural relativism, and a dash of the good old days weren't really all that good. Reasons why Equestria needed to be born.
Don't know if I need apologize for making a chapter instead of a short story, but just in case, sorry. By avocation, I am a novelist, unfortunately.
Which brings us to re bad old days and child slavery / workhouses: point taken, but you make me think I hit my mark between too little and too much. Oliver Twist.
One of the things I really like about a good critique is when its author states clearly what they understood and deduced from reading from what I wrote. It's rare when everything I get back is what I intended to communicate. No Mort de l'Auteur here!
Re: Babyloin. Yeah, I see that. Ponification of Babylon gone wrong.
Re: Tummy. Will think about it or have the narrator signal why she's using it.
Re: Moonstones. Yeah, agreed. Maybe too much emphasis.
...leaving me feeling like this is the start of a novel (one I really want to read) rather than a full story. I wanted to see more of this ancient Celestia and of the coming conflict in the world...
You're in luck. Read To Bring Light to Eternal Darkeness. This entry was something I wanted to write (probably a third chapter in the sequel) and the prompt pried it loose from my grey matter. The novella series is social commentary, cultural relativism, and a dash of the good old days weren't really all that good. Reasons why Equestria needed to be born.
Don't know if I need apologize for making a chapter instead of a short story, but just in case, sorry. By avocation, I am a novelist, unfortunately.
Which brings us to re bad old days and child slavery / workhouses: point taken, but you make me think I hit my mark between too little and too much. Oliver Twist.
>>scifipony
Cool to see this is part of a larger story. Added it to my read later list! That said, and while I don't personally care, it might technically be against the rules.
Rule 3(c): (Participants) may not submit works explicitly connected to another work of theirs;
Cool to see this is part of a larger story. Added it to my read later list! That said, and while I don't personally care, it might technically be against the rules.
Rule 3(c): (Participants) may not submit works explicitly connected to another work of theirs;
>>Chris
>>Baal Bunny
>>scifipony
Thank you all for the feedback. I definitely need to refine the pacing (especially the ending "research" bit.)
Chris:
I wasn't nearly clear enough in the story, as I'd originally meant to have a bigger bit with Pinkie at the end, but of course she would never poison anyone! If you read carefully, she says the lead/asbestos mixture evaporates! The idea was that Pinky was actually smarter than Twilight was giving her credit for, and basically (since the ovens are so hot) creating ablative shielding that boiled away at just the right speed so not only did the cookie inside bake just right, but also so that the last of it boiled away and exposed the cookie to the beam at full dispersal, (where it can only last like 1/8th second) just enough to imbue it with the same spectral powers they were originally meant to imbue into armor, weapons, and other stuff.
Now, as to why my brain came up with that many details about baking cookies when I was on a very tight time crunch for this story? Well, my brain hates me sometimes. :-)
Baal, to answer your questions: My headcanon is spells leave signatures, so while it's not "permanent" the sun will have an "afterglow" for a while. The lines appeared in all the samples because her aura was literally glowing in/around them as she levitated them. That is to say, her aura's glow was entering the spectrograph. Any/all unicorn magic would have spectral signatures as unique as fingerprints, so yes, other unicorns would have signature lines if they cast a spell in front of a spectrograph. Not all of them could literally leave a lasting mark on the sun, however!
Lastly, scifipony
That's possibly the best compliment I've ever had. Not only IS this a first draft, it was actually a very rushed one, written end-to-end in one go, starting about six hours before the deadline. I did make one INCREDIBLY rushed attempt to edit when there was about 10 minutes remaining, but mostly just got to fix typos in the first 1/3 of the thing. I swear, if I could ever stop doing the "last possible minute" thing and actually edit/revise...
That said, yes, I need to clean up the extraneous stuff and get to the "core" of the story. I didn't even know what the story was until it happened while I was writing though. The Pinkie bit got away from me because writing Pinkie is fun, but I agree it doesn't really serve the story (as seen.) The solar ovens were meant to be more of a clue/connection to what happened than they ended up being. Basically "the secret ingredient is love" in baking, so I was trying to double-down on my metaphors.
Flurry being overly fuzzy is meant to be one of the body-image issues surrounding her teen angst. To me, that is important, as little "odd" details like that are what tend to sell me on stories and bring characters to life beyond canon, and keep things like "teen angst" from feeling so generic. It also ensures that the silhouette at the end looks demonstrably different from what Flurry's would (proving it's not her.) I'll see if I can integrate it a bit more naturally when I revise though.
Holo-spell was just "phone call" in Equestria for me... I don't know if it was in the movie or not. Mostly that was a short cut to speed things up as I ran low on time. Cadance gets to directly TELL Twilight (or rather, the reader) some things I didn't have time to properly show.
>>Baal Bunny
>>scifipony
Thank you all for the feedback. I definitely need to refine the pacing (especially the ending "research" bit.)
Chris:
I wasn't nearly clear enough in the story, as I'd originally meant to have a bigger bit with Pinkie at the end, but of course she would never poison anyone! If you read carefully, she says the lead/asbestos mixture evaporates! The idea was that Pinky was actually smarter than Twilight was giving her credit for, and basically (since the ovens are so hot) creating ablative shielding that boiled away at just the right speed so not only did the cookie inside bake just right, but also so that the last of it boiled away and exposed the cookie to the beam at full dispersal, (where it can only last like 1/8th second) just enough to imbue it with the same spectral powers they were originally meant to imbue into armor, weapons, and other stuff.
Now, as to why my brain came up with that many details about baking cookies when I was on a very tight time crunch for this story? Well, my brain hates me sometimes. :-)
Baal, to answer your questions: My headcanon is spells leave signatures, so while it's not "permanent" the sun will have an "afterglow" for a while. The lines appeared in all the samples because her aura was literally glowing in/around them as she levitated them. That is to say, her aura's glow was entering the spectrograph. Any/all unicorn magic would have spectral signatures as unique as fingerprints, so yes, other unicorns would have signature lines if they cast a spell in front of a spectrograph. Not all of them could literally leave a lasting mark on the sun, however!
Lastly, scifipony
First off, I can see that this is not a first-draft.
That's possibly the best compliment I've ever had. Not only IS this a first draft, it was actually a very rushed one, written end-to-end in one go, starting about six hours before the deadline. I did make one INCREDIBLY rushed attempt to edit when there was about 10 minutes remaining, but mostly just got to fix typos in the first 1/3 of the thing. I swear, if I could ever stop doing the "last possible minute" thing and actually edit/revise...
That said, yes, I need to clean up the extraneous stuff and get to the "core" of the story. I didn't even know what the story was until it happened while I was writing though. The Pinkie bit got away from me because writing Pinkie is fun, but I agree it doesn't really serve the story (as seen.) The solar ovens were meant to be more of a clue/connection to what happened than they ended up being. Basically "the secret ingredient is love" in baking, so I was trying to double-down on my metaphors.
Flurry being overly fuzzy is meant to be one of the body-image issues surrounding her teen angst. To me, that is important, as little "odd" details like that are what tend to sell me on stories and bring characters to life beyond canon, and keep things like "teen angst" from feeling so generic. It also ensures that the silhouette at the end looks demonstrably different from what Flurry's would (proving it's not her.) I'll see if I can integrate it a bit more naturally when I revise though.
Holo-spell was just "phone call" in Equestria for me... I don't know if it was in the movie or not. Mostly that was a short cut to speed things up as I ran low on time. Cadance gets to directly TELL Twilight (or rather, the reader) some things I didn't have time to properly show.
>>Chris, >>Baal Bunny, >>Xepher, >>scifipony
The Human in the Garden
Thanks for the bronze, and the lovely comments!
I’ve had this idea kicking around for a while, and I’m pleased that it finally found expression here. I also am moderately surprised that this crossover doesn’t seem to have been tried before.
Twilight was initially added to the story to provide a pin for poking at stereotypical HiE tales. I then conceived that she would call Rarity crazy at the beginning, which adds power to the closing line. I’ll see if I’m able to anchor her more firmly; I am reluctant to write her out altogether.
>>Baal Bunny raises an interesting point. Is this meant to be the flipside of Thurber’s story, or an event in Thurber’s life that inspired the writing of that story? I am playing it as the latter. This is why certain details differ from Thurber’s story (for instance, he’s eating a scone for breakfast instead of scrambled eggs.) I’ll try to make this clearer in the revision.
Fun fact: I ate a flower on the day I wrote this.
The Human in the Garden
Thanks for the bronze, and the lovely comments!
I’ve had this idea kicking around for a while, and I’m pleased that it finally found expression here. I also am moderately surprised that this crossover doesn’t seem to have been tried before.
Twilight was initially added to the story to provide a pin for poking at stereotypical HiE tales. I then conceived that she would call Rarity crazy at the beginning, which adds power to the closing line. I’ll see if I’m able to anchor her more firmly; I am reluctant to write her out altogether.
>>Baal Bunny raises an interesting point. Is this meant to be the flipside of Thurber’s story, or an event in Thurber’s life that inspired the writing of that story? I am playing it as the latter. This is why certain details differ from Thurber’s story (for instance, he’s eating a scone for breakfast instead of scrambled eggs.) I’ll try to make this clearer in the revision.
Fun fact: I ate a flower on the day I wrote this.
>>Baal Bunny
After much thought, I still stand-by my assessment about the little Pinkies and Discords being jarring when they both have it because at first it seems like a literary device. However, I want to emphasize how exceptionally well it works in the story because it also demonstrates how much they are similar, a connection AFAIK never made in canon. It's like them both having, let's say, red hair, but more... chaotic? I'd definitely like to see the rewrite when you publish it on FimFiction.
After much thought, I still stand-by my assessment about the little Pinkies and Discords being jarring when they both have it because at first it seems like a literary device. However, I want to emphasize how exceptionally well it works in the story because it also demonstrates how much they are similar, a connection AFAIK never made in canon. It's like them both having, let's say, red hair, but more... chaotic? I'd definitely like to see the rewrite when you publish it on FimFiction.
>>Xepher
I was aware of that clause and took care to not run afoal of it. I'd argue on the "explicitly" term, which is support for the guessing part of an event. Though I suspect my writing style is somewhat distinct, I linked to a previous work only after the event. It would take someone who was familiar with my cycles of stories to deduce and imply a connection, but it is a new work in any case.
I was aware of that clause and took care to not run afoal of it. I'd argue on the "explicitly" term, which is support for the guessing part of an event. Though I suspect my writing style is somewhat distinct, I linked to a previous work only after the event. It would take someone who was familiar with my cycles of stories to deduce and imply a connection, but it is a new work in any case.
First entry of the year, and a poor start. Ugh. I should learn not to procrastinate, but muses have different plans.
Always a day late and a dollar short.
>>Chris
It makes sense why the sentence structure is sloppy. (To show how bad I am at this, can you define Parse? I looked it up l, but by definition, it's just not crystal clear yet.) It's because I got dinged a while back for using the same sentence structure over and over (Subject, Verb, Object) My greatest weakness is overcompensation.
I would use an editor, but I don't know who would get up at 4 am at my moment of need (maybe it's more of a want… ugh…). Either way, thanks! I'll have to study up on sentence structure now.
>>scifipony
*Holds out wrists* “You got me.”
I'm getting mixed reviews. Some say I should play into Rarity's femininity more along with AJ's blase-ness. Some say I did alright. All I can say is that it was hard both ways to portray AJ and Rarity since they are specialized.
To clarify the gold-purple thing, it's an unfinished plot I forgot to chop off. Originally, I wanted to add gold hair (literal gold, pun name Goldilocks) to weigh down Sweetie (gold is dense) and that is also why Rarity couldn't just shave it off (metal on metal is not effective). Though, that last statement I'm doubtful of, and that's another reason why I chopped it.
Also, I didn't mean to hold the reader in suspense. I guess since I like playing with the idea of a plot twist to spice things up that it snuck into this story (when I meant to leave it out). I thought that the implication of what Sweetie did to more extent would've helped.
Also, I've had problems with POV ever since I was taught to lay off the (omnipresent? Where you can see into all the character's minds? I'm not sure if that's the right term).
But, the piece of advice that strikes me the most is five senses… that one's an easy fix. I've noticed that I have a tendency to overdo setting, but those cut-backs have taken away the grounding for the story. But, it's an easy way back.
Thanks for reading!
>>Xepher
Yes, the pacing takes a hit at Aloe and Lotus. The two reasons why I had it that way is because this would be Rarity's first line of defense, and also Dash later showing up to add some resolve. With this new addition to Rarity's look, she would want to run away from her friends almost immediately. But, with Aloe and Lotus running the antidote, it has her sit still long enough to hear Dash's story.
Secondly, I guess it was a Cop-out, but it was 1 hour left and I couldn't pop out rhymes that Zecora used and with the right flow fast enough. So, option 2 came apparent. Use Applejack trying to get Applebloom. Rarity turns back because she doesn't want to be spotted by Applebloom nor Applejack.
Sorry about the block of text above. I guess I'm good at excuses. But, just like Rarity's goatee, this isn't an easy fix.
But, for the condensed version with Pros and cons, I like that. Just a preference because it's to the point (I should try it. Do you mind if I use it?)
Thanks for the review!
>>Baal Bunny
So, this is kinda a last minute reply, so forgive me if it doesn't make sense completely.
As said above, the most prominent mistake was caused by me being sleepy and running out of time. Eh, Excuses… I'm sorry.
The second paragraph is actually a less easy fix than the 5 senses mentioned by Xepher, but it's one that I can give a better whirl. I chose a hard one when I decided on using Applejack and Rarity as two characters present in the story (partially why I cut out Zecora with a likely excuse). Lets just say I don't know a whole lot about voicing those three since they are very different personalities. But, I guess I can reference your work (if you don't mind). If I can remember correctly, didn't you make the Sunburn fic six months back?
...Just looked it up. “Down to Roots.” is what it's called. Excellent source of Applejack voicing.
Thanks for reading!
Final words:
Clear in my sleepy mind, sleepy on my clear paper. This one is definitely a keeper. Though it will take a long time to get on FF.
My curse is that I love these ideas, just my execution is very poor.
I gotta stop procrastinating on Writeoff.
Always a day late and a dollar short.
>>Chris
It makes sense why the sentence structure is sloppy. (To show how bad I am at this, can you define Parse? I looked it up l, but by definition, it's just not crystal clear yet.) It's because I got dinged a while back for using the same sentence structure over and over (Subject, Verb, Object) My greatest weakness is overcompensation.
I would use an editor, but I don't know who would get up at 4 am at my moment of need (maybe it's more of a want… ugh…). Either way, thanks! I'll have to study up on sentence structure now.
>>scifipony
*Holds out wrists* “You got me.”
I'm getting mixed reviews. Some say I should play into Rarity's femininity more along with AJ's blase-ness. Some say I did alright. All I can say is that it was hard both ways to portray AJ and Rarity since they are specialized.
To clarify the gold-purple thing, it's an unfinished plot I forgot to chop off. Originally, I wanted to add gold hair (literal gold, pun name Goldilocks) to weigh down Sweetie (gold is dense) and that is also why Rarity couldn't just shave it off (metal on metal is not effective). Though, that last statement I'm doubtful of, and that's another reason why I chopped it.
Also, I didn't mean to hold the reader in suspense. I guess since I like playing with the idea of a plot twist to spice things up that it snuck into this story (when I meant to leave it out). I thought that the implication of what Sweetie did to more extent would've helped.
Also, I've had problems with POV ever since I was taught to lay off the (omnipresent? Where you can see into all the character's minds? I'm not sure if that's the right term).
But, the piece of advice that strikes me the most is five senses… that one's an easy fix. I've noticed that I have a tendency to overdo setting, but those cut-backs have taken away the grounding for the story. But, it's an easy way back.
Thanks for reading!
>>Xepher
Yes, the pacing takes a hit at Aloe and Lotus. The two reasons why I had it that way is because this would be Rarity's first line of defense, and also Dash later showing up to add some resolve. With this new addition to Rarity's look, she would want to run away from her friends almost immediately. But, with Aloe and Lotus running the antidote, it has her sit still long enough to hear Dash's story.
Secondly, I guess it was a Cop-out, but it was 1 hour left and I couldn't pop out rhymes that Zecora used and with the right flow fast enough. So, option 2 came apparent. Use Applejack trying to get Applebloom. Rarity turns back because she doesn't want to be spotted by Applebloom nor Applejack.
Sorry about the block of text above. I guess I'm good at excuses. But, just like Rarity's goatee, this isn't an easy fix.
But, for the condensed version with Pros and cons, I like that. Just a preference because it's to the point (I should try it. Do you mind if I use it?)
Thanks for the review!
>>Baal Bunny
So, this is kinda a last minute reply, so forgive me if it doesn't make sense completely.
As said above, the most prominent mistake was caused by me being sleepy and running out of time. Eh, Excuses… I'm sorry.
The second paragraph is actually a less easy fix than the 5 senses mentioned by Xepher, but it's one that I can give a better whirl. I chose a hard one when I decided on using Applejack and Rarity as two characters present in the story (partially why I cut out Zecora with a likely excuse). Lets just say I don't know a whole lot about voicing those three since they are very different personalities. But, I guess I can reference your work (if you don't mind). If I can remember correctly, didn't you make the Sunburn fic six months back?
...Just looked it up. “Down to Roots.” is what it's called. Excellent source of Applejack voicing.
Thanks for reading!
Final words:
Clear in my sleepy mind, sleepy on my clear paper. This one is definitely a keeper. Though it will take a long time to get on FF.
My curse is that I love these ideas, just my execution is very poor.
I gotta stop procrastinating on Writeoff.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
One thought:
About a way of getting more of the human stuff into the story--if you wanna make it clear that the guy is Thurber rather than the character from the story, for instance. Have Rarity find herself unable to speak in this odd dream but able to understand what the humans are saying.
Like I said, just a thought. :)
Mike
One thought:
About a way of getting more of the human stuff into the story--if you wanna make it clear that the guy is Thurber rather than the character from the story, for instance. Have Rarity find herself unable to speak in this odd dream but able to understand what the humans are saying.
Like I said, just a thought. :)
Mike
>>scifipony
My current plan:
Is to make it clear in the first section that it's Pinkie's belief that she has these tiny Pinkies inside her even though Twilight has told her that ponies don't work that way. By grounding the question of whether they exist of not firmly in her POV, I hope to make it seem less like a product of the story and more like a product of Pinkie's thought processes. We'll see, I guess... :)
Mike
My current plan:
Is to make it clear in the first section that it's Pinkie's belief that she has these tiny Pinkies inside her even though Twilight has told her that ponies don't work that way. By grounding the question of whether they exist of not firmly in her POV, I hope to make it seem less like a product of the story and more like a product of Pinkie's thought processes. We'll see, I guess... :)
Mike
Hey, retrospective time!
Not much to say; when I read the prompt, the idea of reversing the "critique the art, then write a story" into "write a story critiquing the art" stuck with me, and this was the result. Celestia and Luna both reading their own experiences and biases into a piece of art that was surely never intended to be viewed the way they're viewing it... but then, if they can view it that way, doesn't that in itself say something positive about the art? I think so.
(Incidentally, I love the picture; it got a giggle out of me when I first saw it, and once I hit on my general plan, it fit nicely with my first thought about the prompt. Thanks, "Lawn Chair!")
Let's get specific:
>>Rocket Lawn Chair
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Since it was obviously your, picture and all :) You hit something I very much wanted people to land on with your second paragraph, so I'm glad that sense of "reading into it" came through clearly to you. Thanks for the great art!
>>Baal Bunny
Hmm. I'd thought that "Luna Eclipsed" had set up that Nightmare Moon getting sent to the moon (except one night a year, when she gobbles foals and/or sweets) was a very common, well-known thing, and that Twilight's big revelation at the start of the pilot was thus that the commonly-known NMM myth was based on something real. It may be time for me to do some re-watching, and see if I'm off-base. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, and I'm glad that you felt this was a "change focus" problem rather than a "scrap it!" one!
>>Xepher
Sorry this one didn't land for you. It sound like it didn't work because it did what I wanted it to do, though, which is... worrisome. I wanted to keep the dialogue natural; when people look at art, they tend to talk about the art, yes, but do it through their own lenses. I wanted to keep some of that naturalness, rather than have the two sisters march in and start spewing FEELINGS at each other on a flimsy premise. And yet, that desire for naturalness on my part is coming through to you as them not having feelings, which I'm not really sure how to address. Thanks for bringing that to my attention; I'll see if there's anything to be done as far as salvaging this goes.
>>scifipony
Thanks for the comments! I think that if I find a way to fix this up, I'll leave the last line and count on my audience to get it (always overestimate rather than underestimate, right?), but I like the idea of making Lawn Chair's body more of a presence. Glad you enjoyed it!
And on to comments-on-comments:
>>horizon
I'm always happy to help, even when I'm being, at best, dubiously helpful :)
>>scifipony
No problem! Let's go through from the start, and find a few (focussing in on the flipped/missed words and running-on; I assume you don't need general editing from your writing calibre):
It should be "wheat hull-stuffed, nailed..." first off. More importantly, having two long parentheticals within a single sentence is very... wander-y. I get that you're aiming for Dickensian, and I'm not advocating for you to change the whole story to some hyper-minimalist style or anything, but the base sentence here is "I'd gotten mine before I could remember much, when I'd realized the moon was my only friend," and breaking that thought up with two significant tangents buries your lede on a very important sentence.
Looks like you accidentally a word, unless you meant for that "always did" to come off conversational, in which case I'd advise you that the laconic tone of it is out of place in your established writing style for this story.
Another missing word; he had to mind... what?
Take out the aside, and you've got "looked screwed painfully," which is again far more laconic than the rest of your narration. I'd throw a "like it was" in there, though that's hardly the only way to complete the sentence.
Your conjunctions are telling two different stories; do farmers like ponies to dig them up because they attract dragons, or is that actually (mostly) unimportant? This makes your last clause confusing, since I can't tell whether it's in error, or your phrasing on the first half of the sentence is.
Pretty sure you mean night, not day.
Anyway, that's the kind of thing I was talking about in my comment. If any of that was unclear, or if you'd like more, or if you just want to tell me you think my opinions are bad, then just give me a poke!
>>Xepher
I very much like your explanation for what Pinkie was doing, and if you can make it a little clearer what's going on there, I think it'll make for some great comedy.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
You're very welcome!
>>PinoyPony
"Parse," in this case, just means to understand what a sentence is trying to communicate by being able to understand its constituent parts. So in the two lines of text I quoted in my first comment, I was able to parse the meaning (i.e. I understood what you were trying to say, even if not every word was perfectly used) but was unable to parse the second one (i.e. I still don't know what those words are supposed to mean; if Rarity's glad that Sweetie can get to the kitchen without traversing the stairs, if she's glad Sweetie can't do that, if she's glad the kitchen and her room are a combined room(?), etc.). Good luck moving forward with this one; it'll be fun to see what it looks like when it's out of draft form!
Not much to say; when I read the prompt, the idea of reversing the "critique the art, then write a story" into "write a story critiquing the art" stuck with me, and this was the result. Celestia and Luna both reading their own experiences and biases into a piece of art that was surely never intended to be viewed the way they're viewing it... but then, if they can view it that way, doesn't that in itself say something positive about the art? I think so.
(Incidentally, I love the picture; it got a giggle out of me when I first saw it, and once I hit on my general plan, it fit nicely with my first thought about the prompt. Thanks, "Lawn Chair!")
Let's get specific:
>>Rocket Lawn Chair
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Since it was obviously your, picture and all :) You hit something I very much wanted people to land on with your second paragraph, so I'm glad that sense of "reading into it" came through clearly to you. Thanks for the great art!
>>Baal Bunny
Hmm. I'd thought that "Luna Eclipsed" had set up that Nightmare Moon getting sent to the moon (except one night a year, when she gobbles foals and/or sweets) was a very common, well-known thing, and that Twilight's big revelation at the start of the pilot was thus that the commonly-known NMM myth was based on something real. It may be time for me to do some re-watching, and see if I'm off-base. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, and I'm glad that you felt this was a "change focus" problem rather than a "scrap it!" one!
>>Xepher
Sorry this one didn't land for you. It sound like it didn't work because it did what I wanted it to do, though, which is... worrisome. I wanted to keep the dialogue natural; when people look at art, they tend to talk about the art, yes, but do it through their own lenses. I wanted to keep some of that naturalness, rather than have the two sisters march in and start spewing FEELINGS at each other on a flimsy premise. And yet, that desire for naturalness on my part is coming through to you as them not having feelings, which I'm not really sure how to address. Thanks for bringing that to my attention; I'll see if there's anything to be done as far as salvaging this goes.
>>scifipony
Thanks for the comments! I think that if I find a way to fix this up, I'll leave the last line and count on my audience to get it (always overestimate rather than underestimate, right?), but I like the idea of making Lawn Chair's body more of a presence. Glad you enjoyed it!
And on to comments-on-comments:
>>horizon
I'm always happy to help, even when I'm being, at best, dubiously helpful :)
>>scifipony
No problem! Let's go through from the start, and find a few (focussing in on the flipped/missed words and running-on; I assume you don't need general editing from your writing calibre):
I'd gotten mine before I could remember much, while I still slept in the wheat-hull stuffed nailed-together wooden boxes the workhouse called a cradle, when I'd realized the moon, which peered in through a window open to the summer night breeze, was my only friend.
It should be "wheat hull-stuffed, nailed..." first off. More importantly, having two long parentheticals within a single sentence is very... wander-y. I get that you're aiming for Dickensian, and I'm not advocating for you to change the whole story to some hyper-minimalist style or anything, but the base sentence here is "I'd gotten mine before I could remember much, when I'd realized the moon was my only friend," and breaking that thought up with two significant tangents buries your lede on a very important sentence.
Autumn smells lifted my spirits, always did.
Looks like you accidentally a word, unless you meant for that "always did" to come off conversational, in which case I'd advise you that the laconic tone of it is out of place in your established writing style for this story.
he'd been wing-clipped so that he had to mind like the rest of us foals.
Another missing word; he had to mind... what?
Her hood slid back and I saw a long pointed spiral horn that to my naive eyes looked—because of the obvious spiral—screwed painfully into her forehead.
Take out the aside, and you've got "looked screwed painfully," which is again far more laconic than the rest of your narration. I'd throw a "like it was" in there, though that's hardly the only way to complete the sentence.
Such things supposedly attracted dragons, so farms liked ponies that could dig them up, if for no other reason than to spare their plows because dragon migrations were pretty rare.
Your conjunctions are telling two different stories; do farmers like ponies to dig them up because they attract dragons, or is that actually (mostly) unimportant? This makes your last clause confusing, since I can't tell whether it's in error, or your phrasing on the first half of the sentence is.
Crazy were the ponies that slept by day. They missed the peaceful beauty I witnessed everyday.
Pretty sure you mean night, not day.
Anyway, that's the kind of thing I was talking about in my comment. If any of that was unclear, or if you'd like more, or if you just want to tell me you think my opinions are bad, then just give me a poke!
>>Xepher
I very much like your explanation for what Pinkie was doing, and if you can make it a little clearer what's going on there, I think it'll make for some great comedy.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
You're very welcome!
>>PinoyPony
"Parse," in this case, just means to understand what a sentence is trying to communicate by being able to understand its constituent parts. So in the two lines of text I quoted in my first comment, I was able to parse the meaning (i.e. I understood what you were trying to say, even if not every word was perfectly used) but was unable to parse the second one (i.e. I still don't know what those words are supposed to mean; if Rarity's glad that Sweetie can get to the kitchen without traversing the stairs, if she's glad Sweetie can't do that, if she's glad the kitchen and her room are a combined room(?), etc.). Good luck moving forward with this one; it'll be fun to see what it looks like when it's out of draft form!
>>Baal Bunny
The proof is in the pudding, or the sentences cast, of course. Be aware that my problem was not the metaphor or the reality of the little-me's but that the metaphor figuratively described two characters or that two character literally had the buggers. Unexplained coincidence.
I apologize in advance for trying to rewrite your story for you, not a Clarion Workshop method thing to do, especially without it being requested first, but here goes. Ignore if you choose: IMHO, you really need to solve how it got into both their heads or bodies. It makes sense that Discord might have them as I think I recall he has helper Discords in the series. But Pinkie? Can you find a callback scene from the series that made Discord change her conception of self? It wouldn't have to be a Pinkie Discord scene, just something randomly crazy-nuts that made her think of the idea with Discord in mind. You could also fabricate a connection. It would be best to do so before the "metaphor" is used on the second character, but I can see how that might affect pacing. If you choose to do so after it's introduced to both, since Discord comments about them, maybe you can concoct a previous collision with Pinkie that affected/in-fected him? Very hard problem, but if you want to keep this very keen idea, I do recommend you fix it. Hard work. Maybe give the story a few months off and let your subconscious figure it out? My advice, for what it's worth.
The proof is in the pudding, or the sentences cast, of course. Be aware that my problem was not the metaphor or the reality of the little-me's but that the metaphor figuratively described two characters or that two character literally had the buggers. Unexplained coincidence.
I apologize in advance for trying to rewrite your story for you, not a Clarion Workshop method thing to do, especially without it being requested first, but here goes. Ignore if you choose: IMHO, you really need to solve how it got into both their heads or bodies. It makes sense that Discord might have them as I think I recall he has helper Discords in the series. But Pinkie? Can you find a callback scene from the series that made Discord change her conception of self? It wouldn't have to be a Pinkie Discord scene, just something randomly crazy-nuts that made her think of the idea with Discord in mind. You could also fabricate a connection. It would be best to do so before the "metaphor" is used on the second character, but I can see how that might affect pacing. If you choose to do so after it's introduced to both, since Discord comments about them, maybe you can concoct a previous collision with Pinkie that affected/in-fected him? Very hard problem, but if you want to keep this very keen idea, I do recommend you fix it. Hard work. Maybe give the story a few months off and let your subconscious figure it out? My advice, for what it's worth.
>>scifipony
My theory:
From the beginning has been that Pinkie is a Sherlock Holmes level deductive genius, but that she can't directly access the portion of her brain that notices everything, collates it all, and draws conclusions. So her brain twitches her tail, vibrates her knees, flaps her ears, and makes her hear voices. That's her Pinkie Sense and the voices that she ascribes to Gummy and the various inanimate objects in "Party of One," for example.
For this story, I'm positing that Pinkie thinks her twitches are caused by tiny Pinkies that live in her various extremities and that the voices she hears come from tiny Pinkies that live in her brain. I just need to find the right way to say that in the opening scene. :)
Mike Again
My theory:
From the beginning has been that Pinkie is a Sherlock Holmes level deductive genius, but that she can't directly access the portion of her brain that notices everything, collates it all, and draws conclusions. So her brain twitches her tail, vibrates her knees, flaps her ears, and makes her hear voices. That's her Pinkie Sense and the voices that she ascribes to Gummy and the various inanimate objects in "Party of One," for example.
For this story, I'm positing that Pinkie thinks her twitches are caused by tiny Pinkies that live in her various extremities and that the voices she hears come from tiny Pinkies that live in her brain. I just need to find the right way to say that in the opening scene. :)
Mike Again