Thank you to all who commented :> I really do appreciate it, even if I'm not doing the full retrospective.

>>Haze
Thank you for your point on the last section. I think I agree. I'm hoping that turning that into a conversation instead of a lesson-dump might alleviate that, and will help bring it up to 1000 words anyway lol.

This story is all right. The opening line is pretty plain and could use some work, but once you get to the meat / the middle of the story, there's some good quality phrasing and flow and tone.

We've had a fair number of writeoffs, and a fair number of "can't think of writeoff entry ideas" type metafics. However, I want to give the author the benefit of the doubt, and see if there's something more here.

And please note: From this point on, I'm using "the author" to refer to the character and not the author irl. Otherwise, this feels too personal, and I want to offer criticism of the work, not of the irl author :o

There's kind of a theme of happiness here ([...] my only desire is to give her a happy life [...]). I like how there's sort of a dichotomy here, where the author wants to give Twilight a happy life, and yet she doesn't in the story presented. She wouldn't be out in a blizzard like this if she was happy / content with the way things were. Heck, Spike's got it worse. He's ancient, and long lost, and sounds almost resigned in his dialogue. And yet, all the author wants is for the characters of MLP to have happy lives. Maybe because the author, like Twilight and Spike, wants a happy life and currently doesn't have one?

There's also a kind of tangent that came to mind; the trade-off between creating something where the characters lead happy lives, and conflict. Because conflict is central to a story, right? Every story needs conflict. However, that means making the characters unhappy with their current situation and wanting something better. I'm thinking of this theme mainly because of the fact that the author's in this story, talking to us about writing and wanting the characters to have happy lives.

I'm not sure if there's another level to this. Otherwise, this doesn't really stand out in my mind from other "can't think of writeoff entry ideas" type metafics. It reads well. I'm just not sure what the takeaway is, and I guess it doesn't help that, as we see in the last line, the author isn't sure either.

>>Cassius
Sorry, but that didn't read like a joke to me. Thanks for clarifying, though.

>>Cassius

Author, I highly suggest if you intended to write what Gardez believed that you lie through your teeth about it and say it was your intention all along to write my interpretation.

I feel like this could've been worded better.

I read the story, and I read this comment, and you offer some really helpful criticism, but... also that.

>>007Ben
Poetry doesn't exist :o

Hey guys, looks like I submitted my story at... The Last Minute lululul

oh wait shit

All I can really do with this one, without echoing those above, is to make some observations:

Format:

Fantasy tropes that start with "O"
Crime drama tropes that start with "N"
Sci-fi tropes that start with "M"

(which, they're not really "tropes" exactly, more like first sentences to stories that follow certain tropes)

Jake Sully is the name of the main character from Avatar. They could just be two random names, though.

Talk of a "ten thousand word anthology" makes me think of the anthology of Writeoff entries that come with every Writeoff. (and 15 750-word entries would make an 11,250 word anthology, so I feel like I'm not far off-base). This seems to support the "this story is a writeoff metafic" theory.

If that's the case, I'm not quite sure what to make of the end?

Your stories were never going to get written. We just wanted to see how you delt with brainless employees. I hate say it, but both of you acted pretty baindead yourselves, and should have worked together.

So the end result was that the writeoffers were braindead and should have worked together? I don't really know how far to take this analogy.

I think this piece needs some clarity in its delivery. The final part isn't even written as dialogue, with the quotes and whatnot, but straight narrative that's just implied to be all dialogue. I'm just not sure what to make of it otherwise, like the ONM pattern. I like Ran's (Ran's? Someone said it) idea of reading a story: it can take work to write, but it shouldn't take work to enjoy.

Nice little mood piece. Which is great! But it doesn't really stand out to me.

There's just not a ton of Story here. It starts with this line that kind of ramps of the tension:

But he really didn’t want to be late.

And then the story takes some asides, and that thing he didn't want to be late for doesn't feel as pressing as it did. Then it suddenly picks back up at the end as he "didn't have much time left" and "scrambled".

I mean, these aren't bad things. It just kind of has a mismatched feel to it. It's a nice little photograph of this boy's life, but it's not much more than that. Still pretty good. :>

>>Xepher
but did you see it

like did you see it

did you see it tho :v

I didn't find this story funny, at least in the way that it was trying to be. I've never really taken to "lolrandomXD" style humor. I like ridiculous, but not random.

Random jokes tend not to tie into anything else in the story, and end up being distracting for me. Take something like this, for example:

Today's the day. The stadium is packed, and vendors are selling everything from penuts to porcupines. Why would you buy animals here? Has everyone gone crazy?

The fact that animals are being sold here does not have to do with anything else in the story. It's random for the sake of random, sort of riding on shock value and not much else. Added to that that the narrator comments on how crazy that is [Why would you buy animals here? Has everyone gone crazy?] when it's already shown to be crazy just kind of runs the joke into the ground.

I think the comedy could use some work, here. I was expecting it to end in a pun or something, but the end is that first letter thing, which isn't really new, and what it spells out doesn't really tie into the story either.

But this is good to do if you're doing comedy: telling jokes until they're funny. Keep practicing, author, and if you want to do random stuff, go for it, but my advice is to cut back on random and try another form of comedy :>

Submitted. I'm worried people will legit dislike me for this story. :<

I'm sorry in advance, but I had feelings D:

-insert joke about scrambling to submit story at The Last Minute-

I funny wheeee :>

>>Aragon

I don't think it's necessary to cut description altogether. I see your point that it's a more concise way of getting emotion across, but I think it's not the only way to do it.

Description is good for setting mood, adding visual descriptions to make the story more vivid, and more. I would agree that some of it is superfluous and unnecessary, but the edited passage that you offered is very... dry, and devoid of atmosphere. Full of emotion in so little words, but... not much vividness to it, I think.

I think it's helpful to point out something in a story that you think hurts the effect the story can have, and I agree that some of the description is a bit superfluous and unnecessary, but I disagree that it's 90% superfluous, and I disagree that the solution you provided is the only better way to do it.

>>Cold in Gardez

I think this is harsh on the author. I wouldn't say that the passage says absolutely nothing.

I think this story is trying to capture something human with words, but isn't going about in the most engaging way. Trick has pointed out there's a lack of atmospheric detail in the narration, things happening around Rarity, instead of introspection. And I like the use of lights in the distance to add a visual to Rarity's dilemma.

I agree that it's wordy. I would agree that there's too much introspection and not enough scene-setting or plot. But to say there's absolutely nothing is an exaggeration, I think.

>>Ranmilia

This is the most wildly out of character interpretation I think I've seen in any ponyfic.

I’ll have to wildly disagree :p I mean, I guess I can't disagree based on what you've seen in a ponyfic, but based on the out of character bit.

The entire piece is Discord... being orderly. Showing discipline. Not just externally, but internally, deliberately suppressing himself while simultaneously musing about how his companion is a mystery and he doesn't understand ponies and she doesn't understand him and her kindness isn't really kind to him.

I think we can agree that Discord is the spirit of chaos, and it is “in character” for him to like chaotic things. He is not being orderly in this story, though. He is trying to be orderly, and there’s a key difference, I think.

This story is suggesting that he is making an active effort to suppress his chaotic urges, assumedly since his reformation. It’s also suggesting his chaotic tendencies are due to urges that are difficult to control. I also like the ticks and tocks bit—order in his view is annoying and boring, like the tick tock of a clock after a while.

It doesn’t contradict his character, but rather suggests an explanation to his character that the show has not offered yet. That’s the point of fanfiction, I think—filling in the blanks that the canon show leaves unfilled.

I do agree that the murderous traits are a stretch. Personally, I would’ve enjoyed this fic more if the murder was not a part of it. However, regarding the orderly-ness, I disagree that it’s out of character and directly contradicts his show persona.

>>Xepher >>Light_Striker >>JudgeDeadd >>Posh >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Bachiavellian >>eusocialdragon >>AndrewRogue
You all pointed out the dialogue attribution problem, so thank you, I might not have realized this without feedback. :>

I was trying for a style with that. The feel I wanted to get for this is a mystery "interview" vibe, with someone going around and trying to find out what happened with Pinkie Pie. The "clues" to the mystery are the reasons she left (which didn't come through much at all x.x more on that later). Point is, I think the lack of said tags, while it makes for an "interview" style which I want to keep, were ultimately distracting. I'll fix this in the rewrite--adding said tags to remove confusion there.

Pinkie's parents talk and sound similar in the first place, so it's tough to differentiate them on dialogue alone... Plus, I kind of like them sounding similar--because it makes them sound like they're really on the same page in terms of how they feel about Pinkie Pie.

The mystery that I wanted to focus on was "why did Pinkie leave?", the answer to which is "she really didn't fit in there" (added to which that she ran away instead of moving out on good terms). It's kind of hinted at with the kids in the beginning (“Really? No wonder she’s all—hey, ow!” as well as the fact that she's only played with them once or twice), but I wanted more, like Pinkie's parents hinting that they believe something was wrong with her (which didn't come through at all--I even made it sound like they thought it was normal x_x) and Limestone thinking she was kind of weird and not funny (again, didn't really come through) but still hurt and feels abandoned because she left.

This is something I'll really work at in the rewrite--make her parents less understanding to how Pinkie is, make Limestone less angry (because I agree with you, >>Everyday, it seems uncharacteristically hostile, and that's a bad judgement call on my part), and I might even add a scene with a local parent who encourages her kids to stay away from Pinkie because [insert new reason or opinion].

Anyway, thank you all for your feedback again, I really appreciate it. :> I think it's pretty apparent this is going to need some more love and work, so on to editing I go!

Also >>The_Letter_J I was low on title ideas so I plagiarized the title of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest :x No real relation to the movie or the book, just a somewhat-ominous-but-still-not-too-heavy title that's still vague about exactly what's happening and still somewhat eye-catching. I think I'll be thinking of a new title. :P

>>georg
I think the "ponied" criticism is still valid, though. MLP isn't the only fantasy setting where ships could reasonably be sentient--switch out the "hooves" for "hands" and really, it's a generic fantasy-type setting, and a light fantasy setting at that, where a ship could be sentient perhaps without people having any way of knowing. There's not much here at all that ties it in with something unique to the characters or universe in MLP, despite the fact that a ship could be sentient (which, by the way, is not something suggested by the show so far).

It's great as a fiction piece, and I agree with other people here that it was enjoyable, but it's hard to tell it's "pony" from here.

I wonder if CiG and Aragon tried emulating each other's style, and the result was this and The Art of Lingering. :o

>>Posh
(it's Dubs' username irl)

So. I wanted to try something new.

We’ve done title mashups before. However, this time I wanted to try… passage mashups :o

Basically, I took passages from two different stories each and mashed them together. Maybe it’s funny, maybe it’s not, maybe it’s stupid, but I had fun, at least :>

Misquoted from the Writeoff
A picture is worth 2 to 8 thousand words edition

T H E R E I S
N O S U C H
T H I N G
A S H E
A V E
E E
N

"R... And an E. And—I?"

The roar in his ears returned, intelligible in the relative quiet of Crystal Clear's office.

Heaven, it crooned.

"Is that an S?" Sombra asked, reaching up to mop at his brow.

Did your grandmother never tell you that there is no such place?

(from Sombra Visits the Hereafter)

The meal was finished, and Spike had started to clean the kitchen, leaving Twilight Sparkle deep in their thoughts at the table.

Thoughts, ideas, wants, desires flew between the twinned minds. What-do, do-think, think-feel, idea-explore? How-make-query-desire-practical?

“Spike,” Twilight Sparkle called, thoughts collided, bouncing, flying back and forth. “Take a letter.”

"Leeeeeettter," Spike warbled. "D. D is for 'Dear Princess Celestia, signed, Twilight Sparkle’. That's, um, lots of letters though. 'Dear', that's four, 'Princess', plus eight—"

(from Twilight, Up in Smoke)

The Swiftstep Brew faded. Zelabra looked confused for a second, turned to face Zecora… and collapsed with a sigh.

“She has quite the temper, even for one so young. Now, stand aside, for I do what must be done.”

“She isn’t hurt, at least I trust,” Zerrin said, though Zecora could hear the anger in his words. “So I must ask… phoenix dust?”

Zecora nodded.

“That phoenix dust, it’s a helluva drug,” Zerrin said with a bow. “Perks pinions up, and puts a smile on yer mug.”

Zecora replied, “We may be stuck in this hole that we’ve dug, but phoenix dust is still a helluva drug.”

(from Rise of the Path: The Musical)

We're less than 24 hours away from the end of prelims, so you know what that means! Anxiously watching the timer count down spotlighting some under-reviewed fics!

There's one story right now sitting at 4 reviews (4 unique commentors):
Putri Jaran

There are also three stories sitting at 5 reviews:
The Path
Cello Damage
Meaning

Let's bring them all up to 6! :>

(Side note to author of The Path: I've read the whole story now and will type up my review when I have time, so then my comment will be a true review)

I think at its core, there is an interesting story here. There’s some flavourful conflict between Bon Bon and Celestia, and I find the motivations meaningful and interesting. Certainly, other people have enjoyed this one. Personally, I didn’t find this all that appealing.

One reason is that the second scene is pretty much a backstory dump. It’s Bon Bon explaining why she’s angry at Celestia, and Celestia explaining why she did what she did to Bon Bon. The real story, here, is all in the past relative to this story. I think I would’ve been interested in seeing more of that story firsthand. Now, maybe one solution is to tell that story outright, telling some key events as they happened. Another solution might be feed the backstory more slowly and gradually to the reader. Perhaps extend the plot out to include more time for the reader to digest the sizeable amount of information conveyed here. Otherwise, this feels to me like melodrama, especially from how quickly Celestia goes from being angry to being sorry, how quickly Lyra recovers, and how dramatic Bon Bon seems to be acting, at least to me.

Some phrasings here bothered me enough to distract me from the story. For instance:

I manage to get a good grasp on her and my inner strength pins her down.

She grasps Lyra, but it’s her outer strength that actually holds her down, right? Inner strength is like emotional strength.

I put a leg I wish to be one of a surgeon on her shoulder

I think this is awkwardly phrased. I also don’t understand it. Why would she want her leg to be a surgeon’s?

She throws herself on me, grabbing me in a life-saving hug.

Lyra grabs Bon Bon in a “life-saving hug”, but that hug isn’t saving Bon Bon’s life. If anything, Bon Bon saved Lyra, not the other way around.

“Flash news, friendship can’t solve everything.

I think the phrase is “news flash”.

There were also several typos [proving (to) her that the real world is here with her], [I shut_down the device], [I give her a smile [u]I want reassuring[/u] (?) and soon she follows Luna.], etc.

There are also a few places where commas would’ve made some sentences clearer. For instance:

Do you know what it takes to lie to her not only on who I am but also why she has to go through all of this?

This sentence would be clearer like this, I think:

Do you know what it takes to lie to her, not only on who I am, but also why she has to go through all of this?

So yeah, perhaps with some extending of this story and some editing, I think this could be a fascinating drama :>

It seems there are definitely some people who love this story, so that’s great :D

Personally, I didn’t like the story because I felt it drew a bit too much from BTTF and the variations on that plot didn’t feel all that… new? I mean, sure, having Night Light’s crush be Sonata instead of Twilight Velvet was interesting and unexpected, but other than that, I didn’t find myself all that interested in the plot.

The eighties things were sort of… there, their only real involvement being scenery where the narrator takes a minute to sightsee and go “Look, the eighties! Leg warmers! Some crooner singing about the power of love wink wink”. I feel like how I put that is a bit harsh, but that’s honestly the vibe I got from it. The references were just references and weren’t enough to interest me. I think I would’ve liked more involvement in that sense, I suppose, if at all; making leg warmers plot-relevant or forming jokes where the punchy bit of the joke isn’t just the phrase “leg warmers”.

That said, it was a romp, it was a riot. There was enough of a baseline plot to keep me at least interested enough to read all the way through. I don’t have a problem with the fact that it’s a shaggy dog story, but only if it’s entertaining along the way. Though I didn’t think it was entertaining, personally, people seemed to enjoy it, so good job, author, ya done good :>