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The Last Minute · Original Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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Red Glider
The contents of this story are no longer available
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#1 · 1
Nice little mood piece. Which is great! But it doesn't really stand out to me.

There's just not a ton of Story here. It starts with this line that kind of ramps of the tension:

But he really didn’t want to be late.

And then the story takes some asides, and that thing he didn't want to be late for doesn't feel as pressing as it did. Then it suddenly picks back up at the end as he "didn't have much time left" and "scrambled".

I mean, these aren't bad things. It just kind of has a mismatched feel to it. It's a nice little photograph of this boy's life, but it's not much more than that. Still pretty good. :>
#2 ·
· · >>Whitbane
Great characterization and imagery, but there's not much in the way of narrative here. There needs to be stakes, something that draws the reader in and keeps them engaged until the end. It's a fine piece of prose (though there are several typos), but something's missing that keeps this from realizing its full potential.
#3 ·
I agree with >>FloydienSlip.

I thought the story was building towards so much more, but the ending takes the weight out of everything and barely concludes the story.

That being said, the writing is great, and the world and characters are given a lot of depth within the word count restraints which is commendable in short stories like these. If the ending had been better, this would have definitely been a very strong contender.

I still enjoyed it, however, just disappointed that the ending saps the strength from otherwise a great piece.
#4 ·
It's fluff, good fluff, but I still felt distinctly unattached from the proceedings. Strong writing that wasn't quite strong enough to grab me, in a sense. The ending felt like a bit of a letdown, but I suppose I've never been one for sunsets anyways.
#5 · 1
I actually really enjoyed this piece. It was a tale that focused more on the emotions of Sammy than any real plot, and it was done fairly competently. The details about the bike and the plain streets really captured that feeling a listless suburbia would have, as if there was a deep dissatisfaction boiling under the surface. I also really liked how Sammy’s emotions are somewhat confused, swinging between his unhappiness with his family and his joy with the sunset. It’s very reminiscent of a kid just trying to figure out life to the degree he can, a common theme for many adolescents.

The only thing I found a bit extraneous was the reference to John Lennon’s death. That’s a pretty specific event that lands this story in the ‘80s, and I don’t think that’s a good thing. The story felt better when it was vague and dreamlike, as if this could be happening anywhere at any time. Broad emotions work better in broad settings, and Lennon narrows the setting down just a tad too much.

A good exercise in the emotional confusion a young person often goes through each day.
#6 ·
As the others said, it’s a nice piece of fluff, but not much else. I’m left wondering how a boy who just fell from his bike and bruised himself can look at it and travel back to the day he got it. That's a bit of a stretched for me. Each time you bump you car you think back how nice it was when you bought it? :P

Other than that, it’s most introspective, and the end is… a bit meh?

Yet, definitely in my upper half.
#7 ·
Could use a spell and typo check for sure. Moving past that, I feel this story isn't sure what it's trying to say. On the one hand, we have this urgency to start. Then a lot of introspection about the bike and the day he got it. But then we're back to the urgency, only to find out it's a sunset that the kid himself isn't even sure why he rides out to see.

The writing (typos ignored) sets a decent tone, and connected to something more substantial could really stand out. But good descriptive prose isn't enough to carry the story on its own.
#8 ·
· · >>AndrewRogue
A generally pleasant little puff piece that won't stick with me.

Like a lot of people said, the ending just doesn't really do anything, which is unfortunate. While you don't need a strong arc per se, you do need a connecting thread, and I feel like you don't set anything up for it. In fact, I feel you kinda actively contradict it when the first paragraph discusses how he isn't noticing the effect of the sky which heavily implies to me he doesn't care - except apparently he does!

Like, the story really feels like it is going to be about the bike, but it is forgotten at the end, replaced by the sunset.

Still, overall nice prose and generally nice, but it just doesn't really engage me or do anything much for me.