Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Eclipse
A dark, cramped room lit in candlelight. Luna sits at a desk writing when Celestia enters. Luna puts her quill on to the desk and turns around to face her sister.
Luna: So you want me to play that game again? Never occurred to you I might have enough of it? Besides, all your previous attempts have failed, so I really don't see why we should stick to that pretence any more. It’s time to admit we—well you for that matter—have failed and move on. I’m really too lenient with you here.
Celestia: Sis, this time I’m hundred percent sure of my choice. She has demonstrated superior skills and a unusual ability in magic. If she does not succeed, nopony else will, and we'd better give up hope and set the record straight anyway.
Luna: Make or break?
Celestia: Sort of a last ditch attempt, yes. But you should be happy, your long stretch of loneliness is over. You’ll soon be able to perform all your regal tasks again and… (smirking) I must say I’m not displeased. I was getting pretty bored of filling in for you, honestly. I underestimated the burden father charged you with.
Luna (grins) : Rising and lowering the moon is just the easy part of it, isn’t it? Happy you realised that at last. After all, this set-up was your idea, so it seems a fair retaliation to me, in exchange for my subserviency.
Celestia (ticked off) : And what would you have done, miss smart-crescent? May I recall you that the power of the elements is dwindling away at an accelerated pace, and that no known spell has been able to restore them. If that trend continues on its present course, in less than a century Discord will be back, and who knows what other plagues with him.
Luna: And you think I had no time to ponder over this? May I recall you in turn that I’ve been confined in this cellar for a thousand years now? Not much better than the alleged moon. Meanwhile your highness, instead of working out a logical solution, gave up any sound reasoning and preferred clutching at that ludicrous prophecy made by that old cooter in his last breath? I don’t know how I came to help you with this. You were lucky I had no idea what I was letting myself in for.
Celestia: It’s a bit late to have that discussion, Luna. The summer sun celebration takes place tomorrow. We must get ready for it.
(Luna sighs. Celestia’s horn glows golden, and a cabinet opens. Floating out of it, a full regalia set with an additional pair of large, dark wings, and a long, black horn. Celestia shakes the items over the ground, raising a could of dust. Then she drops the outfit on to the ground.)
Luna: How long since I last wore that bogeymare disguise? (Looks scornfully at the outfit.) Pfff… Totally preposterous. It wouldn’t scare a thrush. I hope you’ve a solid plan this time.
Celestia: As usual. I don’t show up at the appointed time, and then you break in. You scare everyone with eternal night and all the baloney. I think you rehearsed that part enough: your Canterlot voice and your hysterical laugh are perfect now.
(She grins at Luna, who glares at her in return.)
Luna: So what’s the big deal tomorrow for Twilight and friends?
Celestia: They will head for our old castle. I’ve prepared a set of pickles throughout their way in the Everfree forest that should summon up their innate qualities and connect each of them to the relevant element. Once they arrive in the castle you barge in again, threaten to kill Twilight Sparkle, and let her save the day.
Luna (smirks) : And get blasted, I suppose.
Celestia (grins again) : Well—
Luna (interrupts her) : Then your majesty arrives in her dazzling solar regalia, pretends she was trapped in the sun, congratulates the heroine and sheds a tear on her poor sister restored to her true form by the staggering power of the one chosen pupil? And then a big party, and the whole shebang…
(Celestia squirms but doesn’t answer. Luna sighs again and grabs a piece of attire in her magic.)
Luna: All right. Let’s get this over with…
Luna: So you want me to play that game again? Never occurred to you I might have enough of it? Besides, all your previous attempts have failed, so I really don't see why we should stick to that pretence any more. It’s time to admit we—well you for that matter—have failed and move on. I’m really too lenient with you here.
Celestia: Sis, this time I’m hundred percent sure of my choice. She has demonstrated superior skills and a unusual ability in magic. If she does not succeed, nopony else will, and we'd better give up hope and set the record straight anyway.
Luna: Make or break?
Celestia: Sort of a last ditch attempt, yes. But you should be happy, your long stretch of loneliness is over. You’ll soon be able to perform all your regal tasks again and… (smirking) I must say I’m not displeased. I was getting pretty bored of filling in for you, honestly. I underestimated the burden father charged you with.
Luna (grins) : Rising and lowering the moon is just the easy part of it, isn’t it? Happy you realised that at last. After all, this set-up was your idea, so it seems a fair retaliation to me, in exchange for my subserviency.
Celestia (ticked off) : And what would you have done, miss smart-crescent? May I recall you that the power of the elements is dwindling away at an accelerated pace, and that no known spell has been able to restore them. If that trend continues on its present course, in less than a century Discord will be back, and who knows what other plagues with him.
Luna: And you think I had no time to ponder over this? May I recall you in turn that I’ve been confined in this cellar for a thousand years now? Not much better than the alleged moon. Meanwhile your highness, instead of working out a logical solution, gave up any sound reasoning and preferred clutching at that ludicrous prophecy made by that old cooter in his last breath? I don’t know how I came to help you with this. You were lucky I had no idea what I was letting myself in for.
Celestia: It’s a bit late to have that discussion, Luna. The summer sun celebration takes place tomorrow. We must get ready for it.
(Luna sighs. Celestia’s horn glows golden, and a cabinet opens. Floating out of it, a full regalia set with an additional pair of large, dark wings, and a long, black horn. Celestia shakes the items over the ground, raising a could of dust. Then she drops the outfit on to the ground.)
Luna: How long since I last wore that bogeymare disguise? (Looks scornfully at the outfit.) Pfff… Totally preposterous. It wouldn’t scare a thrush. I hope you’ve a solid plan this time.
Celestia: As usual. I don’t show up at the appointed time, and then you break in. You scare everyone with eternal night and all the baloney. I think you rehearsed that part enough: your Canterlot voice and your hysterical laugh are perfect now.
(She grins at Luna, who glares at her in return.)
Luna: So what’s the big deal tomorrow for Twilight and friends?
Celestia: They will head for our old castle. I’ve prepared a set of pickles throughout their way in the Everfree forest that should summon up their innate qualities and connect each of them to the relevant element. Once they arrive in the castle you barge in again, threaten to kill Twilight Sparkle, and let her save the day.
Luna (smirks) : And get blasted, I suppose.
Celestia (grins again) : Well—
Luna (interrupts her) : Then your majesty arrives in her dazzling solar regalia, pretends she was trapped in the sun, congratulates the heroine and sheds a tear on her poor sister restored to her true form by the staggering power of the one chosen pupil? And then a big party, and the whole shebang…
(Celestia squirms but doesn’t answer. Luna sighs again and grabs a piece of attire in her magic.)
Luna: All right. Let’s get this over with…
This story has a strong mood and raises many interesting questions, but it answers few of them. If you want to put forward a thesis in a minific, it needs to be explained well enough that your audience can believe it. I don't think 750 words is going to be enough space to pull off this kind of recasting of roles. You haven't provided the necessary context for, "Luna staying in a cramped cellar for one thousand years on the off-chance Celestia finds a powerful student", to make much sense. Also, the prophecy itself was about Nightmare Moon, so why would faking half the prophecy cause the other half to come true? Without information about what lies behind all this, your readers will be lost. You need to think it out in much more detail and explain the prophesies and motivations: where they come from, what they mean, and why we should care about them.
In storytelling, both sisters here seem out of character without explanation. A script-like format is banned from Fimfiction for a reason, and this piece illustrates why: it's severe telliness through dialogue. Reading it is like hearing someone describing the plot of a story they're writing, which is itself not quite a story. Drop the script approach and push yourself to describe things. Paint actions that communicate the characters' feelings, rather than using words or "(grins)" to do it the easy way. You should be grinding yourself to show-not-tell, even though it's a very hard thing to learn, because it will grow you as an author more than anything else. Turn up the difficulty level, and we'll be here to help.
In storytelling, both sisters here seem out of character without explanation. A script-like format is banned from Fimfiction for a reason, and this piece illustrates why: it's severe telliness through dialogue. Reading it is like hearing someone describing the plot of a story they're writing, which is itself not quite a story. Drop the script approach and push yourself to describe things. Paint actions that communicate the characters' feelings, rather than using words or "(grins)" to do it the easy way. You should be grinding yourself to show-not-tell, even though it's a very hard thing to learn, because it will grow you as an author more than anything else. Turn up the difficulty level, and we'll be here to help.
I think this story has some problems, even though the basic idea is interesting. The script format does it no favors, and there's a lot of misspelled or misused words (it looks like it may have been run through a spell checker, but the checker often picked the wrong word.)
You might want to try adapting it into a conventional story and finding an editor. Or give it a reason for it to be in a script format; I though maybe in the end it would turn out we were reading a play script and somepony was going to be in trouble, or something.
You might want to try adapting it into a conventional story and finding an editor. Or give it a reason for it to be in a script format; I though maybe in the end it would turn out we were reading a play script and somepony was going to be in trouble, or something.
I didn't mind the script format here. It was actually kinda interesting to see that presentation, and I felt like it was generally strong as a piece that sets up a massive conspiracy.
The only missing element is, why? What was the purpose of the conspiracy? We get hints about waning power, but nothing concrete enough to justify the very long-term setup required by the conspiracy.
Also some typos and stuff, but not enough to be a problem.
The only missing element is, why? What was the purpose of the conspiracy? We get hints about waning power, but nothing concrete enough to justify the very long-term setup required by the conspiracy.
Also some typos and stuff, but not enough to be a problem.
I get it. It's a script, because the future events are all an elaborate performance.
.... But even their discussion of the plan is scripted itself. Who controls these puppets' strings?
Okay, enough of that. it's not much more than an idea. There's almost no conflict. Luna protests a little, but easily gives in. Nothing develops out of these revelations.
1/3 through the story, I already get the gist of the scheme. then I ask, "therefore....?"
"therefore, episode 1 happens."
"meh."
.... But even their discussion of the plan is scripted itself. Who controls these puppets' strings?
Okay, enough of that. it's not much more than an idea. There's almost no conflict. Luna protests a little, but easily gives in. Nothing develops out of these revelations.
1/3 through the story, I already get the gist of the scheme. then I ask, "therefore....?"
"therefore, episode 1 happens."
"meh."
>>Haze
I think the script format is clever for this reason, but it definitely needs a cleanup pass - "I'm hundred percent sure" is missing an 'a' or a 'one', and similar missteps plague the piece from there.
Still, I kind of want to see more of what Luna's actual plan would have been. And what she'd done in a cellar for 1000 years.
I think the script format is clever for this reason, but it definitely needs a cleanup pass - "I'm hundred percent sure" is missing an 'a' or a 'one', and similar missteps plague the piece from there.
Still, I kind of want to see more of what Luna's actual plan would have been. And what she'd done in a cellar for 1000 years.
Script format? I see we’re going for another authorial application of the prompt.
This is an interesting idea, the execution is sorely lacking, doing nothing but raise questions. Why hide Luna in the basement for a millennium? Why abandon the Everfree castle, and how did they manage to transport Luna to Canterlot with nopony noticing? Why did Luna go along with this for a thousand years if she objected to it in the first place? And that’s putting aside the proofreading flubs and idiomatic oddities that make the sisters sound strangely stilted even when they do approach being in character. This needs a lot more room to properly explore its ideas.
This is an interesting idea, the execution is sorely lacking, doing nothing but raise questions. Why hide Luna in the basement for a millennium? Why abandon the Everfree castle, and how did they manage to transport Luna to Canterlot with nopony noticing? Why did Luna go along with this for a thousand years if she objected to it in the first place? And that’s putting aside the proofreading flubs and idiomatic oddities that make the sisters sound strangely stilted even when they do approach being in character. This needs a lot more room to properly explore its ideas.
An interesting, if not exactly original, idea that unfortunately fails to overcome its flaws. I don't mind the script format, but the errors with grammar and the like are distracting, and it's really not very clear how they even got into this situation.
This story might have been better if you had instead set it back a thousand years when everything we see here was just getting set up and started.
This story might have been better if you had instead set it back a thousand years when everything we see here was just getting set up and started.
Script format is a little odd. I'm not sure what benefit it provides to this story, other than just freeing up more words for dialogue.
And why would Luna want to be alone for thousands of years doing... not much at all, really. I don't get it, sorry!
And why would Luna want to be alone for thousands of years doing... not much at all, really. I don't get it, sorry!
>>Trick_Question
Thanks Trick. And really, you're right, this story must be expanded.
But, as for telly-ness, you do read plays every so often I hope?
>>Bremen
>>The_Letter_J
>>FanOfMostEverything
Could you please be more specific on the grammar and vocabulary flubs? Thanks, it'd help me do better next time. I got the forgotten 'a' before thousand, and I know I forgot a ‘had’ in ‘have had it' and messed up recall instead of remind. ‘At a pinch’ is British for ‘in a pinch’. Anything else? Thanks so much!
And thanks to all for not hating this story too much.
Thanks Trick. And really, you're right, this story must be expanded.
But, as for telly-ness, you do read plays every so often I hope?
>>Bremen
>>The_Letter_J
>>FanOfMostEverything
Could you please be more specific on the grammar and vocabulary flubs? Thanks, it'd help me do better next time. I got the forgotten 'a' before thousand, and I know I forgot a ‘had’ in ‘have had it' and messed up recall instead of remind. ‘At a pinch’ is British for ‘in a pinch’. Anything else? Thanks so much!
And thanks to all for not hating this story too much.
Hum, let me see what I can spot. A lot of them may just be British spelling variants.
"Rising and lowering the moon" should be "Raising and lowering the moon"
"May I recall you" should be "May I remind you"
"Rising and lowering the moon" should be "Raising and lowering the moon"
"May I recall you" should be "May I remind you"
>>Trick_Question
I was referring to this Trick:
I was referring to this Trick:
Turn up the difficulty level, and we'll be here to help.