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“Trixie wishes to be an alicorn Princess.”
“Yes, Mis– Wait, what did you say?” the Jinn did a double take, an impressive feat for a cloud of blue smoke and lightning in the shape of a pony.
Trixie rolled her eyes. “She wishes to be an alicorn Princess, is that a problem? Your said you could give her phenomenal cosmic power. Everything except life or love.”
The Jinn ran a hoof down his face. “Yes, I did say all of that. I should also say no alicorns.”
“What?”
“Yeah...” it shrugged. “Sorry about that. No alicorns. Can’t do it.”
Trixie scowled. “Are you saying that Trixie has walked a thousand miles, crossed burning sands and frozen seas, defeated monsters and uncovered buried treasures no pony has seen before for nothing?”
“Well, not nothing. You still have three wishes, how about I give you a—” He snapped his hoof and a Ferrari appeared. “—brand new car!”
“No, Trixie wants to speak to your manager.”
The Jinn choked and the car vanished. “You what? Kid, I’m an all powerful Jinn. I’m offering you almost your heart's desire, what is your problem?”
She gave a dramatic toss of her head. “Trixie is not happy with your service, it is not performing as advertised.”
“Urgh, you’re killing me, kid. Look, are you really going to make me drag my boss in? Can’t you just wish for more gold than you can eat?” Trixie merely arched a brow at it. “Great... Alright, don’t say I didn’t try to talk you out of it.”
With another snap the form vanished, leaving Trixie alone in the decaying tomb. She wasn’t sure what species had built it, but she doubted that skulls were supposed to open like that.
With a crack and boom a pair of smokey Jinn appeared, the blue and a new red form that shaped itself into that of a minotaur. “Right,” it snapped. “What’s this about? Quickly, I’ve got an oik in Arabia freeing Jinn to deal with.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie has wished to be become an alicorn Princess, yet your idiotic subordinate can’t even manage that.” Trixie shot the blue Jinn a withering scowl.
“See what I’m dealing with?” it snapped.
“Okay, okay. So, Miss Trixie. I get it, you’re really married to whole alicorn thing. You want power, right?” Trixie nodded. “Righting wrong power? Maybe a little vengeance...” The cloud clapped its hands together. “Got it! Somebody showed you up. Well, I’ve got the perfect solution. How would you like to be the owner of—” He paused for effect, then pulled an amulet from his cloud. “—The Alicorn Amulet.”
Trixie huffed. “It was insufficient last time.”
“Oh...” The Jinn rubbed its chin. “Okay. Well, how about a forgotten branch of magic? I know some great stuff you can do with crystals–”
“Pass. Trixie saw what happened to the last King of the Crystal Empire.”
The Jinn scowled at her. “You are not making my job easy you know.”
“Trixie fails to see how that is her problem.”
Lightning rumbled deep in the Jinn’s form. “You are very lucky we can’t crush lamp holders, little mare. Still, I think I have something for you. The Dragon Lord is ancient and tired, we could give you a powerful dragon–”
“Um, Boss, the dragons selected a new Lord six months ago.”
“Confound this reality!” It roared, shaking dust from the ceiling. “Look, Miss Trixie,” it continued in a sullen rumble. “As much as it pains me to admit it, we can not make you an alicorn. Equestria is ruled by harmony—something Jinn care little for—and alicorns are the embodiment of this harmony. If you had a lot of friends and an abstract concept you felt attuned to we could work with that.”
Trixie frowned. “Trixie has a friend.”
“Terrific. I’m sorry, it's stupid I know. If you’d wished for the moon anywhere else I could snap and make you its god, but that position has already been filled.”
“Typical, Trixie should have known–” Trixie paused. A sly smile spread across her face.
“And that is why Trixie now has wings,” the newly minted alicorn concluded.
Twilight facehooved. “That’s great, Trixie. But what I wanted to know is why did you crash your moon into Luna’s?”
She jabbed a hoof at the sky. Trixie’s smaller moon had torn a large rent in the silver orb and scattered debris across half the sky.
“Ah... Well, it turns out moons are remarkably hard to steer.”
“Yes, Mis– Wait, what did you say?” the Jinn did a double take, an impressive feat for a cloud of blue smoke and lightning in the shape of a pony.
Trixie rolled her eyes. “She wishes to be an alicorn Princess, is that a problem? Your said you could give her phenomenal cosmic power. Everything except life or love.”
The Jinn ran a hoof down his face. “Yes, I did say all of that. I should also say no alicorns.”
“What?”
“Yeah...” it shrugged. “Sorry about that. No alicorns. Can’t do it.”
Trixie scowled. “Are you saying that Trixie has walked a thousand miles, crossed burning sands and frozen seas, defeated monsters and uncovered buried treasures no pony has seen before for nothing?”
“Well, not nothing. You still have three wishes, how about I give you a—” He snapped his hoof and a Ferrari appeared. “—brand new car!”
“No, Trixie wants to speak to your manager.”
The Jinn choked and the car vanished. “You what? Kid, I’m an all powerful Jinn. I’m offering you almost your heart's desire, what is your problem?”
She gave a dramatic toss of her head. “Trixie is not happy with your service, it is not performing as advertised.”
“Urgh, you’re killing me, kid. Look, are you really going to make me drag my boss in? Can’t you just wish for more gold than you can eat?” Trixie merely arched a brow at it. “Great... Alright, don’t say I didn’t try to talk you out of it.”
With another snap the form vanished, leaving Trixie alone in the decaying tomb. She wasn’t sure what species had built it, but she doubted that skulls were supposed to open like that.
With a crack and boom a pair of smokey Jinn appeared, the blue and a new red form that shaped itself into that of a minotaur. “Right,” it snapped. “What’s this about? Quickly, I’ve got an oik in Arabia freeing Jinn to deal with.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie has wished to be become an alicorn Princess, yet your idiotic subordinate can’t even manage that.” Trixie shot the blue Jinn a withering scowl.
“See what I’m dealing with?” it snapped.
“Okay, okay. So, Miss Trixie. I get it, you’re really married to whole alicorn thing. You want power, right?” Trixie nodded. “Righting wrong power? Maybe a little vengeance...” The cloud clapped its hands together. “Got it! Somebody showed you up. Well, I’ve got the perfect solution. How would you like to be the owner of—” He paused for effect, then pulled an amulet from his cloud. “—The Alicorn Amulet.”
Trixie huffed. “It was insufficient last time.”
“Oh...” The Jinn rubbed its chin. “Okay. Well, how about a forgotten branch of magic? I know some great stuff you can do with crystals–”
“Pass. Trixie saw what happened to the last King of the Crystal Empire.”
The Jinn scowled at her. “You are not making my job easy you know.”
“Trixie fails to see how that is her problem.”
Lightning rumbled deep in the Jinn’s form. “You are very lucky we can’t crush lamp holders, little mare. Still, I think I have something for you. The Dragon Lord is ancient and tired, we could give you a powerful dragon–”
“Um, Boss, the dragons selected a new Lord six months ago.”
“Confound this reality!” It roared, shaking dust from the ceiling. “Look, Miss Trixie,” it continued in a sullen rumble. “As much as it pains me to admit it, we can not make you an alicorn. Equestria is ruled by harmony—something Jinn care little for—and alicorns are the embodiment of this harmony. If you had a lot of friends and an abstract concept you felt attuned to we could work with that.”
Trixie frowned. “Trixie has a friend.”
“Terrific. I’m sorry, it's stupid I know. If you’d wished for the moon anywhere else I could snap and make you its god, but that position has already been filled.”
“Typical, Trixie should have known–” Trixie paused. A sly smile spread across her face.
“And that is why Trixie now has wings,” the newly minted alicorn concluded.
Twilight facehooved. “That’s great, Trixie. But what I wanted to know is why did you crash your moon into Luna’s?”
She jabbed a hoof at the sky. Trixie’s smaller moon had torn a large rent in the silver orb and scattered debris across half the sky.
“Ah... Well, it turns out moons are remarkably hard to steer.”
Djinn has a silent D. Just an FYI. Credit where it’s due for using the proper singular, though.
… Oh. The plural is “djinni.” Hence the corrupted term “genie.”
This still needs some polish here and there, but the core is quite amusing. Clean it up and add in Trixie fighting her way into the tomb and this will be Fimfic ready.
… Oh. The plural is “djinni.” Hence the corrupted term “genie.”
This still needs some polish here and there, but the core is quite amusing. Clean it up and add in Trixie fighting her way into the tomb and this will be Fimfic ready.
>>FanOfMostEverything The D is optional.
Colour me amused. I like the interactions between Trixie and the Jinn, and I always like a little incompetent bureaucracy combined with someone demanding more than what the bureaucracy is equipped to handle. I agree there needs to be some grammatical polish; in addition, you could do more to set the scene so I get a good feeling of where this takes place. The end is goofy yet fitting, but I'd also like to see it expanded a tad.
Colour me amused. I like the interactions between Trixie and the Jinn, and I always like a little incompetent bureaucracy combined with someone demanding more than what the bureaucracy is equipped to handle. I agree there needs to be some grammatical polish; in addition, you could do more to set the scene so I get a good feeling of where this takes place. The end is goofy yet fitting, but I'd also like to see it expanded a tad.
This was a good, silly, short comedy piece. Trixie as the OTHER Princess of the Moon just brings it round to even more special levels.
++ Well done laughter
++ Well done laughter
This was a nice zany comedy fic, and it's good news for the writer that this story ended up on my slate. I love comedy fics! I'm a sucker for them, and it seems they're ranked quite high on my list in comparison to other genres.
With that being said... this was also my lowest ranking comedy fic. It wasn't terribly low, but it was rather low. Not that this wasn't a good story, but it's more like... every story above it was just plainly better.
I liked this story. I really did, and there aren't any particular issues with it. Sure it needs some brushing up, and some nice touches here and there, but this is still a quality story. Trixie's characterzation is great! It was probably my favorite part of this story, just how well she's portrayed, then the "djinn's" or "jinn's" or "twin genie's from Aladdin" portrayal is like icing on the cake. Or the cherry on top of the milkshake!
And again with that being siad... It just doesn't meet the quality of the other comedy fics above it. I cannot really expand any further than that, because there isn't anything wrong with this story, really. It's just... everything else, in my mind, was better. But if it's worth anything, this was the worst of the better fics. Like... this was one of the better quality fics. Just the worst of the better quality ones... wh-why did I think this was a compliment? It is! I just don't know how to word it to make truly sound like one, haha.
But on a serious job. Great job! One of the better ones, and to the author, you're just a hop, skip and a jump from the finals round. I don't think you'll make it, but I really hope you'll prove me wrong! Because this one feels like on that's up for grabs. Best of luck! I'll keep my eyes out for it!
With that being said... this was also my lowest ranking comedy fic. It wasn't terribly low, but it was rather low. Not that this wasn't a good story, but it's more like... every story above it was just plainly better.
I liked this story. I really did, and there aren't any particular issues with it. Sure it needs some brushing up, and some nice touches here and there, but this is still a quality story. Trixie's characterzation is great! It was probably my favorite part of this story, just how well she's portrayed, then the "djinn's" or "jinn's" or "twin genie's from Aladdin" portrayal is like icing on the cake. Or the cherry on top of the milkshake!
And again with that being siad... It just doesn't meet the quality of the other comedy fics above it. I cannot really expand any further than that, because there isn't anything wrong with this story, really. It's just... everything else, in my mind, was better. But if it's worth anything, this was the worst of the better fics. Like... this was one of the better quality fics. Just the worst of the better quality ones... wh-why did I think this was a compliment? It is! I just don't know how to word it to make truly sound like one, haha.
But on a serious job. Great job! One of the better ones, and to the author, you're just a hop, skip and a jump from the finals round. I don't think you'll make it, but I really hope you'll prove me wrong! Because this one feels like on that's up for grabs. Best of luck! I'll keep my eyes out for it!
This was simple, funny, and a complete story. The comic timing was good, as was the whole customer service situation. I feel it could still offer something more, some je ne sais quoi that would take it to the level of true greatness, but it's quite good as is.
Tier: Top Contender
Tier: Top Contender
E! — Satisfaction Guaranteed — A+ — First impression: Trixie getting a wish. Uh-oh. (+) EXCELLENT hook. All characters have voices that match perfectly with personality. Trixie wants to be an alicorn in the worst possible way… and gets it. (-) A few comma splices and a wrong capital letter is about it.
So, this was pretty funny. :P
However, I do feel like the core issue the Jinn's are talking about here hasn't actually been addressed. Didn't they just say she needed friends or somesuch? What makes being an alicorn of the other moon very different?
I also felt that the dialogue of the Jinn in the first half was a little... one note? Maybe it was because they kept saying 'kid' all the time, but I think a personalizing touch there would go a long way to giving them a lot more character.
Still, I definitely smiled at the end of this, and that's worth a fair bit.
However, I do feel like the core issue the Jinn's are talking about here hasn't actually been addressed. Didn't they just say she needed friends or somesuch? What makes being an alicorn of the other moon very different?
I also felt that the dialogue of the Jinn in the first half was a little... one note? Maybe it was because they kept saying 'kid' all the time, but I think a personalizing touch there would go a long way to giving them a lot more character.
Still, I definitely smiled at the end of this, and that's worth a fair bit.