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The Believer Is Happy; The Doubter Is Wise.
“So, don't you think it was weird that, when we all switched our cutie marks with each other, Twilight kept hers?” said Rainbow Dash, with all the subtlety and gentleness of a brick thrown through a window.
Rarity blinked, which made the cucumber slices on her eyes fall into the hot tub she was sharing with her friend, who for once had decided to beautify herself. Rarity counted it as a great personal victory.
“Whatever do you mean, darling? Once all that unpleasantness was over I looked at the spell, and I can tell you that it was an honest mistake. Twilight couldn't possibly have known what would have happened in trying to cast it.”
For a moment, Rainbow looked slightly relieved, but then her expression turned somber again.
“The Princess might have, though. Remember how she explained to us that the spell was made by that old wizard coot-” “Starswirl” interrupted Rarity, “Yeah, him. Well, isn't it kinda weird that of all the things he was working on, he had a ready made Princess-making spell he couldn't finish?”
Rarity felt an odd shiver down her spine, completely at odds with the steamy water she was immersed in up to her neck.
“Rainbow, what are you saying, exactly? I'm starting to get...a bit worried, let's say.”
Rainbow appeared to mull over something, chewing on her bottom lip for a few seconds.
“I...I don't know either, Rares, it's just...look, how many days have you had to close down your shop because you were called to do something as an Element of Harmony?”
Rarity giggled, the image of the lazy pegasus being prodded by her work ethic in her mind.
“Seriously? I wouldn't have pegged you for a stakanovista, you kn-” “Could Kicker told me yesterday that I'd actually managed to run out of sick days for the whole year. And Applejack was telling me the other day that she couldn't come see me practice because she needed to make up some work she hadn't been able to finish in the last couple of weeks. Pinkie had to actually postpone one of her parties a month ago.”
“The point is, Twilight doesn't actually need to work for a living. Ponyville was running along just fine when Cheerilee ran the library. And I think that she doesn't even need to do that; she gets some kind of stipend from the Crown just for being Princess Celestia's student.”
Rarity straightened herself up, looking at Rainbow more intently.
“Are you saying she's a bad friend?”
“What? No! Look, I'm the friggin' Element of Loyalty, I can tell you that she loves us to bits! She would never do something to hurt us, you know! At least, not intentionally.”
She stayed silent for a beat.
“But, you know...isn't it weird that after she got her wings, she didn't even think of, I dunno, reverse engineering the spell and make us all Alicorns or something? I'm not saying she used us, I mean, you're the Element of Generosity, you know what I'm talking about? Just...isn't it strange?”
Rarity thought it over for a moment.
“I'm sure it's all in your imagination, Rainbow Dash. It has to be.”
Rarity blinked, which made the cucumber slices on her eyes fall into the hot tub she was sharing with her friend, who for once had decided to beautify herself. Rarity counted it as a great personal victory.
“Whatever do you mean, darling? Once all that unpleasantness was over I looked at the spell, and I can tell you that it was an honest mistake. Twilight couldn't possibly have known what would have happened in trying to cast it.”
For a moment, Rainbow looked slightly relieved, but then her expression turned somber again.
“The Princess might have, though. Remember how she explained to us that the spell was made by that old wizard coot-” “Starswirl” interrupted Rarity, “Yeah, him. Well, isn't it kinda weird that of all the things he was working on, he had a ready made Princess-making spell he couldn't finish?”
Rarity felt an odd shiver down her spine, completely at odds with the steamy water she was immersed in up to her neck.
“Rainbow, what are you saying, exactly? I'm starting to get...a bit worried, let's say.”
Rainbow appeared to mull over something, chewing on her bottom lip for a few seconds.
“I...I don't know either, Rares, it's just...look, how many days have you had to close down your shop because you were called to do something as an Element of Harmony?”
Rarity giggled, the image of the lazy pegasus being prodded by her work ethic in her mind.
“Seriously? I wouldn't have pegged you for a stakanovista, you kn-” “Could Kicker told me yesterday that I'd actually managed to run out of sick days for the whole year. And Applejack was telling me the other day that she couldn't come see me practice because she needed to make up some work she hadn't been able to finish in the last couple of weeks. Pinkie had to actually postpone one of her parties a month ago.”
“The point is, Twilight doesn't actually need to work for a living. Ponyville was running along just fine when Cheerilee ran the library. And I think that she doesn't even need to do that; she gets some kind of stipend from the Crown just for being Princess Celestia's student.”
Rarity straightened herself up, looking at Rainbow more intently.
“Are you saying she's a bad friend?”
“What? No! Look, I'm the friggin' Element of Loyalty, I can tell you that she loves us to bits! She would never do something to hurt us, you know! At least, not intentionally.”
She stayed silent for a beat.
“But, you know...isn't it weird that after she got her wings, she didn't even think of, I dunno, reverse engineering the spell and make us all Alicorns or something? I'm not saying she used us, I mean, you're the Element of Generosity, you know what I'm talking about? Just...isn't it strange?”
Rarity thought it over for a moment.
“I'm sure it's all in your imagination, Rainbow Dash. It has to be.”
New paragraph with each new speaker, please.
Huh. Well, I just learned a new word. I’d never heard “stakanovista” before now.
In any case, this one doesn’t quite gel. It raises a number of points, but it never explores any of them to a sufficient degree that I can follow the chain of logic. Given how some vital pieces of the puzzle hinge on headcanon, that exploration is necessary. You had a few hundred words left; you really should have used them. Still, there’s definitely some intriguing idea here. I just can’t tell what it is.
Huh. Well, I just learned a new word. I’d never heard “stakanovista” before now.
In any case, this one doesn’t quite gel. It raises a number of points, but it never explores any of them to a sufficient degree that I can follow the chain of logic. Given how some vital pieces of the puzzle hinge on headcanon, that exploration is necessary. You had a few hundred words left; you really should have used them. Still, there’s definitely some intriguing idea here. I just can’t tell what it is.
I really enjoyed the point your story makes, even if it is a bit unsettling to realize that, well, on the surface Twilight really doesn't do anything. It's a good topic that warrants further exploration in a longer fic, perhaps.
The first part with Starswirl could be debated, as it's a bit of headcanon, so it might have been worth it to explore a bit further as Fan pointed out.
The characterization was quite good, I felt, too! I especially liked Rainbow Dash.
Writing was solid, but like Fan said, changing to a new paragraph with every new speaker is very important. That way you can avoid confusing the reader, and the text itself flows better.
The first part with Starswirl could be debated, as it's a bit of headcanon, so it might have been worth it to explore a bit further as Fan pointed out.
The characterization was quite good, I felt, too! I especially liked Rainbow Dash.
Writing was solid, but like Fan said, changing to a new paragraph with every new speaker is very important. That way you can avoid confusing the reader, and the text itself flows better.
Rarity caught on really fast here, faster than me, which was a bit of a problem. I'm not certain I quite grasped what RD was saying, or the point she was trying to make. Is she claiming Twilight is thoughtless? That Celestia is malignant? That they should do something? (They probably should do something, even if it's just as Celestia for a stipend too. Or extra days off.) Anyways, my being unsure makes this not really hit very hard for me. Not to mention that whole bit with the alicorns seemed to skew from what I was seeing before even.
Oh, and breaking paragraphs in the middle of speech is perfectly acceptable, but it takes special punctuation rules. No quote at the end of the internal paragraphs, but still open with one on the new paragraph. Close at the end as usual. That way we can tell the speaker is the same, and not an un-attributed back-and-forth dialogue.
Oh, and breaking paragraphs in the middle of speech is perfectly acceptable, but it takes special punctuation rules. No quote at the end of the internal paragraphs, but still open with one on the new paragraph. Close at the end as usual. That way we can tell the speaker is the same, and not an un-attributed back-and-forth dialogue.
Do I sense a transequinism fic in the making? (“Don’t you see? If everyone was an alicorn, all the undertakers would go out of business!”)
This story fragment presents ideas but doesn’t do much with them. As others have suggested, it should be wrapped in a longer fic.
This story fragment presents ideas but doesn’t do much with them. As others have suggested, it should be wrapped in a longer fic.
“So, don't you think it was weird that, when we all switched our cutie marks with each other, Twilight kept hers?” said Rainbow Dash, with all the subtlety and gentleness of a brick thrown through a window.
That actually was a pretty subtle and gentle way to start this conversation.
I don't have much else to say that others haven't already said. This story doesn't quite come together for me.
Okay, this is a story where you've put all your chips into the premise, but I'm really having trouble buying into some of the ideas here. I mean, Rainbow Dash implying that Twilight doesn't contribute much to their group/society really doesn't seem to hold water when you think about how many times Twilight has saved her friends/Ponyville/Equestria. Regarding the alicorn-spell reverse-engineering, I'm going to have to parrot what FoME said about expanding and explaining your headcanon. The show itself is very vague as to what the spell actually does and how Twilight ascended. The only concrete piece of information that we have is that she became an alicorn from her own merits. On a surface level, this seems to rule out the possibility of an alicorn creation spell, so you'll have to show us how this fits with your story.
In the end, this story did make me think (which was its goal, I suppose), but I'm still not really swayed by many of the points it's making.
In the end, this story did make me think (which was its goal, I suppose), but I'm still not really swayed by many of the points it's making.
