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The Circle of Life
Grandma Megs held onto Sophie’s hands, pressing the small cloth bag into her palms and folding her fingers up around it. Her grandmother’s hands were cold like dry twigs, and the IV tube taped to the front of her forearm was pulled at far as it could from the container suspended above her nursing home bed. Her dresser had been only a few steps away, but it had taken Grandma Megs several minutes to get out of bed and move to it, driven as if it was the most important thing in the world.
“Guard it well, Sophia Megan McAllister,” she rasped, sounding far weaker than Sophie had ever heard her before. “Tell no one, not even your parents. It has been such a long time since it has been needed, but someday, the evil will return. They will need you then. They will—” She broke off coughing, and Sophie helped her grandmother back into her bed. Grandma was so thin and light even Sophie’s young body could lift the wasted form back onto the mattress and tuck her under the sheets, but Grandma Megs did not say anything more, not even when her parents returned from signing the papers or when the nurse escorted them out of the room.
It was the last time she saw her grandmother alive.
She saw the rainbow as her parents were helping clean out Grandma Meg’s old ranch house, out in the middle of the green pastures and horse barns Sophie had spent so much time in over the last few years. Rainbows were supposed to be mere tricks of light, seen in the distance as the water droplets reflected sunlight, but the rainbow she saw now reached down out of the sky to touch on Grandma Meg’s balcony as if it were solid. It was so fascinating she almost missed the flicker of light in the sky above it, but not the elated cries of joy and terror as ponies began to slide down the rainbow, just as if they were at some amusement park.
The ponies were yellow and blue and pink, just as her grandmother had described in many long days of storytelling, with wings and horns so different than the horses on her ranch. They tumbled and rolled on their long slide, with shrieks of joy and panic, until one after another, they all landed on the balcony in a big heap, the last one shouting, “Again!”
The first pony who had landed, a large-eyed unicorn with a pale lilac coat and ruffled wings, struggled out from under the rest of her friends and looked up at Sophie with a blurted, “Wait! Don’t panic! My name is Twilight Sparkle and we’re looking for Megan. Megan Williams. We need her help!”
Despite the way her heart was thudding away in her chest, Sophie nodded and watched the rest of the ponies untangle themselves and line up behind the winged unicorn. They were all so similar to the ponies her grandmother had described, but different in so many ways too.
“Is it Tirek?” she asked. “My Grandma Megs told me about how she used the Rainbow of Light to defeat him.”
“Grandmother?” Twilight Sparkle blinked several times while muttering, “So the timestream isn’t as asynchronous as I thought.” She shook herself and added, “No, Tirek is in Tartarus and the Midnight Castle destroyed. There is a far more dangerous evil threatening Equestria, and we need Megan to use the Rainbow of Light to defeat it.”
“My grandmother is dead.” Sophia lowered her head, but reached into her pocket, took out the small bag, and passed it over to the unicorn. “Grandma Meg said I should keep it until you needed it again.”
The unicorn lit up her horn and removed a heart-shaped locket on a chain from the bag, although the sad look on her face showed it was not the answer she was looking for.
“Ponies can’t use it,” explained Twilight. “The prophecy said only Megan would be able to defeat the evil.”
A spark of light lit inside her chest, and Sophie reached out to the floating locket, feeling a shock travel all the way up her arm as she unwrapped the chain and put it around her neck.
When her parents went looking for Sophie later, all they could find was the empty bag and a note.
Gone to help the ponies. Be back soon.
Love,
Megan
“Guard it well, Sophia Megan McAllister,” she rasped, sounding far weaker than Sophie had ever heard her before. “Tell no one, not even your parents. It has been such a long time since it has been needed, but someday, the evil will return. They will need you then. They will—” She broke off coughing, and Sophie helped her grandmother back into her bed. Grandma was so thin and light even Sophie’s young body could lift the wasted form back onto the mattress and tuck her under the sheets, but Grandma Megs did not say anything more, not even when her parents returned from signing the papers or when the nurse escorted them out of the room.
It was the last time she saw her grandmother alive.
She saw the rainbow as her parents were helping clean out Grandma Meg’s old ranch house, out in the middle of the green pastures and horse barns Sophie had spent so much time in over the last few years. Rainbows were supposed to be mere tricks of light, seen in the distance as the water droplets reflected sunlight, but the rainbow she saw now reached down out of the sky to touch on Grandma Meg’s balcony as if it were solid. It was so fascinating she almost missed the flicker of light in the sky above it, but not the elated cries of joy and terror as ponies began to slide down the rainbow, just as if they were at some amusement park.
The ponies were yellow and blue and pink, just as her grandmother had described in many long days of storytelling, with wings and horns so different than the horses on her ranch. They tumbled and rolled on their long slide, with shrieks of joy and panic, until one after another, they all landed on the balcony in a big heap, the last one shouting, “Again!”
The first pony who had landed, a large-eyed unicorn with a pale lilac coat and ruffled wings, struggled out from under the rest of her friends and looked up at Sophie with a blurted, “Wait! Don’t panic! My name is Twilight Sparkle and we’re looking for Megan. Megan Williams. We need her help!”
Despite the way her heart was thudding away in her chest, Sophie nodded and watched the rest of the ponies untangle themselves and line up behind the winged unicorn. They were all so similar to the ponies her grandmother had described, but different in so many ways too.
“Is it Tirek?” she asked. “My Grandma Megs told me about how she used the Rainbow of Light to defeat him.”
“Grandmother?” Twilight Sparkle blinked several times while muttering, “So the timestream isn’t as asynchronous as I thought.” She shook herself and added, “No, Tirek is in Tartarus and the Midnight Castle destroyed. There is a far more dangerous evil threatening Equestria, and we need Megan to use the Rainbow of Light to defeat it.”
“My grandmother is dead.” Sophia lowered her head, but reached into her pocket, took out the small bag, and passed it over to the unicorn. “Grandma Meg said I should keep it until you needed it again.”
The unicorn lit up her horn and removed a heart-shaped locket on a chain from the bag, although the sad look on her face showed it was not the answer she was looking for.
“Ponies can’t use it,” explained Twilight. “The prophecy said only Megan would be able to defeat the evil.”
A spark of light lit inside her chest, and Sophie reached out to the floating locket, feeling a shock travel all the way up her arm as she unwrapped the chain and put it around her neck.
When her parents went looking for Sophie later, all they could find was the empty bag and a note.
Gone to help the ponies. Be back soon.
Love,
Megan
The story is fine, but the emotion in the first segment is really overwrought. You don't need to pull on the heartstrings with as many adjectives as you can find, and honestly, you shouldn't be trying to imbue that much emotion when we don't know the characters yet and have no reason to feel anything other than "death equals sad".
Ah, G1. Sadly,not everyone is familiar with the classics. Such is the risk you take with an intergenerational crossover.
The question of prompt adherence is interesting here: Both Megan and Twilight could be seen as the excluded princess here. For one, it’s too late; for the other, too early.
In any case, I quite liked this one, though it definitely felt compressed. Given the history of the Rainbow of Light, the gravitas of the first scene felt appropriate. The rest feels… off. The issues are twofold. Firstly, the first My Little Pony series took place during the 1980’s, so this is likely taking place in the mid 21st century. You’re going to need to account for that. Secondly, Sophie feels way too accepting of the colorful ponies descending from another dimension. If I had a sense of how old she’s supposed to be, this wouldn’t feel quite as bad, but I had pictured her as a teenager up until the point she happily followed the technicolor alien horses without questioning a single thing about the situation.
So, yeah, there’s definite potential here, but it’s going to need some further thought to fully realize it.
The question of prompt adherence is interesting here: Both Megan and Twilight could be seen as the excluded princess here. For one, it’s too late; for the other, too early.
In any case, I quite liked this one, though it definitely felt compressed. Given the history of the Rainbow of Light, the gravitas of the first scene felt appropriate. The rest feels… off. The issues are twofold. Firstly, the first My Little Pony series took place during the 1980’s, so this is likely taking place in the mid 21st century. You’re going to need to account for that. Secondly, Sophie feels way too accepting of the colorful ponies descending from another dimension. If I had a sense of how old she’s supposed to be, this wouldn’t feel quite as bad, but I had pictured her as a teenager up until the point she happily followed the technicolor alien horses without questioning a single thing about the situation.
So, yeah, there’s definite potential here, but it’s going to need some further thought to fully realize it.
This one does suffer from lack of wordcount (And those not familiar with G1). It's funny because for me, the instant I saw 'Grandma Megs' and 'Guard it with your life' I knew instantly what was going to happen.
The main issue is - well, how is Sophie 'Megan' - or is that note just one Megan wrote ages ago and never got rid of? The latter would make sense but it's unclear as-is.
Honestly I'd like to see this as a full story. Cause, well, G1-G4 stuff is fun
The main issue is - well, how is Sophie 'Megan' - or is that note just one Megan wrote ages ago and never got rid of? The latter would make sense but it's unclear as-is.
Honestly I'd like to see this as a full story. Cause, well, G1-G4 stuff is fun
I'm missing a lot of emotion here.
After Megan's death I'd expect something like 'gone-forever-sadness' or 'peaceful-passing-relief' from the characters, but Sophie doesn't seem to react at all, and I don't get to see the rest of her family. Twilight offers a token sad look, but she doesn't even seem upset about losing the one person able to save their world from 'the evil'.
Luckily (for Equestria) that problem is fixed immediately: Sophie gets her granny's power and goes dimension hopping.
Sadly (for me) that resolution felt unsatisfying. There's so much untapped potential in that conflict. For example, if Sophie had a reason for going to Equestria other than "the amulet just spark'd me, might as well save your world now", then she could have an adventure on which she earns the amulet's power. If she went to Equestria without its power available, then the villain might even have a chance.
All in all I'd say this piece reads like the introduction to a 'human fights evil in Equestria' story. It has a whole lot of potential, but doesn't manage to catch my interest by itself.
After Megan's death I'd expect something like 'gone-forever-sadness' or 'peaceful-passing-relief' from the characters, but Sophie doesn't seem to react at all, and I don't get to see the rest of her family. Twilight offers a token sad look, but she doesn't even seem upset about losing the one person able to save their world from 'the evil'.
Luckily (for Equestria) that problem is fixed immediately: Sophie gets her granny's power and goes dimension hopping.
Sadly (for me) that resolution felt unsatisfying. There's so much untapped potential in that conflict. For example, if Sophie had a reason for going to Equestria other than "the amulet just spark'd me, might as well save your world now", then she could have an adventure on which she earns the amulet's power. If she went to Equestria without its power available, then the villain might even have a chance.
All in all I'd say this piece reads like the introduction to a 'human fights evil in Equestria' story. It has a whole lot of potential, but doesn't manage to catch my interest by itself.
I, personally, have no issue with HIE stories. But I have to agree that this felt a bit rushed. An artifact of the word count I presume.
Still, we go from the scene of 'Grandma' Megan's death to the ponies showing up (a few days later, perhaps?), to Sophia leaving to save their world... In a few short paragraphs. There's no real emotional response to her grandmother's passing, or ponies appearing out of the sky, or, well, anything. I realize that there weren't enough words to do much more than this, but it still feel a bit flat for it.
Honestly, after the first scene I rather expected the rainbow to disgorge Luna and Celestia, hoping to see Megan on last time, but sadly, a few days too late. Or just there to pay their last respects. Because, toe journey to that undiscovered country is one that everypony and everyhuman must take... But princess are not included in that eternal invitation...
Still, we go from the scene of 'Grandma' Megan's death to the ponies showing up (a few days later, perhaps?), to Sophia leaving to save their world... In a few short paragraphs. There's no real emotional response to her grandmother's passing, or ponies appearing out of the sky, or, well, anything. I realize that there weren't enough words to do much more than this, but it still feel a bit flat for it.
Honestly, after the first scene I rather expected the rainbow to disgorge Luna and Celestia, hoping to see Megan on last time, but sadly, a few days too late. Or just there to pay their last respects. Because, toe journey to that undiscovered country is one that everypony and everyhuman must take... But princess are not included in that eternal invitation...
It's a beginning. It shows promise. Ultimately though, it doesn't stand as a complete story on its own.
Tier: Needs Work
Tier: Needs Work
This is one of those times when 750 words just isn't enough to tell the story you want. This is more of a prologue or first chapter than a complete story. Minifics are brutal like that.
The Circle of Life placed 32 of 67, which I suppose is better than a smack in the face with a wet mackerel any day of the week. If I had it to do over again, I would have ended it after ‘It was the last time she saw her grandmother alive’ and used the additional words to flesh out the nursing home section to a fair extreme.
Editing killed a lot of this story, because clipping this down to 750 words cut out a lot of the heart-tearing that I really like to do, the reminiscing of Sophie about how her grandmother used to be so strong, boosting her up onto the backs of horses, and so clever, able to tell stories about their adventures in a magic place called Ponyland for hours upon end, and now she’s fallen so far, but still refuses any help to get out the little bag with the mysterious artefact, although Sophie still can carry her back to bed when she was done. I plan on expanding this and making a One Chapter Unless Liked Enough To Continue story. Any additional chapters would be the adventures of Sophie in magic pony land, so much the same and so different than her grandmother’s stories.
Although there would be one minor difference in the story that I publish that will change the whole direction of events. Can you see it?
The unicorn lit up her horn with pale green magic and removed a heart-shaped locket on a chain from the bag, although the sad look on her face showed it was not the answer she was looking for.
>>MCA
Didn’t like HIE: Yes, but some people do. The whole of G1 was a limited HIE, which was probably a mistake on Hasbro’s part because if a little girl (target audience) did not empathize with the human character, they probably would have empathized with the ponies if she had not been there. (Hence G4)
>>Morning Sun
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Not_A_Hat
Earlier Generation: (G1) Yes, this is based on G1, although I did not go so cryptic as to use Majesty (the original Celestia-ish character) or have new little ponies being born by magic mirrors (seriously.)
>>Morning Sun
Morning Sun: Grandma Megs is Megan Williams, the original little girl in G1. Unfortunately, people age even on this side of the rainbow bridge, and while thousands of years have gone by in Ponyland, almost a century has gone by here. She’s passing down the ancient artifact ‘The Rainbow Of Light’ to a new 11 year old Megan (Sophia Megan McAllister, because we don’t have cloning, sorry)
I promise more emotions in a continuation, if I ever get that far. For those of you who read me, you know I like the feelz :)
>>Cold in Gardez
>>CoffeeMinion
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>tPg
>>Trick_Question
>>Waterpear
Editing killed a lot of this story, because clipping this down to 750 words cut out a lot of the heart-tearing that I really like to do, the reminiscing of Sophie about how her grandmother used to be so strong, boosting her up onto the backs of horses, and so clever, able to tell stories about their adventures in a magic place called Ponyland for hours upon end, and now she’s fallen so far, but still refuses any help to get out the little bag with the mysterious artefact, although Sophie still can carry her back to bed when she was done. I plan on expanding this and making a One Chapter Unless Liked Enough To Continue story. Any additional chapters would be the adventures of Sophie in magic pony land, so much the same and so different than her grandmother’s stories.
Although there would be one minor difference in the story that I publish that will change the whole direction of events. Can you see it?
The unicorn lit up her horn with pale green magic and removed a heart-shaped locket on a chain from the bag, although the sad look on her face showed it was not the answer she was looking for.
>>MCA
Didn’t like HIE: Yes, but some people do. The whole of G1 was a limited HIE, which was probably a mistake on Hasbro’s part because if a little girl (target audience) did not empathize with the human character, they probably would have empathized with the ponies if she had not been there. (Hence G4)
>>Morning Sun
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Not_A_Hat
Earlier Generation: (G1) Yes, this is based on G1, although I did not go so cryptic as to use Majesty (the original Celestia-ish character) or have new little ponies being born by magic mirrors (seriously.)
>>Morning Sun
Morning Sun: Grandma Megs is Megan Williams, the original little girl in G1. Unfortunately, people age even on this side of the rainbow bridge, and while thousands of years have gone by in Ponyland, almost a century has gone by here. She’s passing down the ancient artifact ‘The Rainbow Of Light’ to a new 11 year old Megan (Sophia Megan McAllister, because we don’t have cloning, sorry)
I promise more emotions in a continuation, if I ever get that far. For those of you who read me, you know I like the feelz :)
>>Cold in Gardez
>>CoffeeMinion
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>tPg
>>Trick_Question
>>Waterpear
>>georg
Oh, I had 0 confusion as to who Grandma was. I was more going with 'How is Sophie labelling herself as Megan'? If it's her middle name, that works.
Oh, I had 0 confusion as to who Grandma was. I was more going with 'How is Sophie labelling herself as Megan'? If it's her middle name, that works.