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Celestia's Fun-er-al
“It’s only fun till somebody dies, then it’s a fun-er-al!”
“LUNA!”
“What?”
“What in blazes is being blared through your headset?”
“Headset? I—Oh, how long has that been there?”
“Luna, you didn’t notice you were wearing a headset?”
“I’ve been scavenging around Canterlot for quite some time now, sister. The peas—great town folk have been watching me graze for new items!”
“Luna, are you stealing from ponies?”
“Stealing? Sister, thy tongue does not correlate with our merriment! Dost thou think of us as a petty thief?”
“No, but whenever you interact with ponies, I have to assume the worst.”
“Why is that, dear sister?”
“Because it is a natural reaction for someone who booted you to the moon with their hooves.”
“Sister, thy power is strong, but your hooves are mere meager utensils; they do not have the strength to shove my—”
“Profound buttox?”
“SISTER! Our gluteus maximus is glutton free!”
“Pfft—Lulu, do not lie. You chow down on more than enough junk food.”
“I—cannot deny that claim.”
“...”
“Sister, laughing does not suit you. You sound like a dying horse.”
“Luna, I hate to break it to you, but we are horses.”
“No, sister, we are ponies. And why are you calling us that derogatory word?”
“No, we are horses. We’re just not dead, because that wouldn’t be fun, would it?”
“It’s only fun till somebody dies, then it’s a fun-er-al!”
“Oh, there it is again, Celly.”
“Luna, turn that off.”
“But I just scavenged it from—”
“Luna, you stole it and—”
“I did not steal from anypony, dear sister. I scavenged it!”
“‘Scavenged’.”
“Exactly! Oh, and sister, ponies don’t have claws, so you doing air quotes with your hooves makes you look like you’re wooing a ghost.”
“...”
“Why are you laughing at my deadly insult?”
“...”
“Sister, be careful. I do not want to pay for your medical bill.”
“Ahh—oh, Luna, never ever be a comedian. You’re going to brutally murder the audience with your dry humor.”
“Dry? To the bone?”
“Stop, s-seriously!”
“Okay, okay, Celly, I’ll stop. Now, where were we?”
“I was confronting you about your headset—”
“I was not stealing!”
“Luna, based on your previous infractions I couldn’t help but come to that conclusion! Remember, I have to assume the worst like if you somehow died by an assassin whose paycheck weighs on killing you because you took his ten bits. Not only would I be sad, but I wouldn’t be able to stop him until two days after the exchange had happened.”
“I wouldn’t die—wait, why two days?”
“Isn’t that the standard?”
“...”
“Luna? I don’t know why you’re laughing.”
“T-Thou thinks there’s a time stamp on death? What are thee, Death herself?!”
“Quiet, nave.”
“Nave? Sister, the language of the dead is my claim to fame!”
“Exactly.”
“Why…? Oh I hate when you do that.”
“That’s what you get for stealing.”
“I was not stealing, sister!”
“Prove it, then.”
“Pardon?”
“Prove that you did not steal from anypony.”
“Oh? Wait here then, Fun Killer!”
“Fun Killer?”
“...”
“Oh, she teleported. Well I might as well—”
“...”
“That was quick. Now, who is he?”
“His name is—”
“Black Death, Princess Celestia.”
“Luna, why did you bring a plague into our throne room?”
“Celestia! I did not think you would—”
“Do not worry, Princess Luna. I get that sometimes.”
“Death, that doesn’t mean she can—”
“It’s fine. Let her get the bad joke out of her system.”
“Bad—Oh for crying out loud, sister! Stop laughing your lungs out!”
“I-It’s just, you’ve made death seem so funny that I c-can’t—Black D-Death!”
“We’ll be here for a while, won’t we, Princess Luna?”
“...”
“Celestia stop this madness right now! I still have to prove that I did not steal!”
“O-Oh! Okay! I’m done. Let’s hear it, Luna.”
“Thank you, Fun Killer. Now, Black Death—”
“Pfft—”
“Sister.”
“Sorry!”
“Thank you. Now, Death, tell Celestia that I did not steal from you.”
“She did not steal from me, Princess—”
“Ha! See, he said that I—”
“—only purchased the headset for her new console.”
“What.”
“Celly, I can explain—”
“She came to my shop today, Princess Celestia. I told her she could scavenge through my collection of high quality headsets. She said she wanted that specific headset, so I allowed her to have it under one condition.”
“And what was that condition?”
“Listen to—”
“It’s only fun till somebody dies—”
“—for an entire week.”
“Are you kidding me, Luna?”
“No, I’m not.”
“...”
“Let me get the shovel, Death.”
“LUNA!”
“What?”
“What in blazes is being blared through your headset?”
“Headset? I—Oh, how long has that been there?”
“Luna, you didn’t notice you were wearing a headset?”
“I’ve been scavenging around Canterlot for quite some time now, sister. The peas—great town folk have been watching me graze for new items!”
“Luna, are you stealing from ponies?”
“Stealing? Sister, thy tongue does not correlate with our merriment! Dost thou think of us as a petty thief?”
“No, but whenever you interact with ponies, I have to assume the worst.”
“Why is that, dear sister?”
“Because it is a natural reaction for someone who booted you to the moon with their hooves.”
“Sister, thy power is strong, but your hooves are mere meager utensils; they do not have the strength to shove my—”
“Profound buttox?”
“SISTER! Our gluteus maximus is glutton free!”
“Pfft—Lulu, do not lie. You chow down on more than enough junk food.”
“I—cannot deny that claim.”
“...”
“Sister, laughing does not suit you. You sound like a dying horse.”
“Luna, I hate to break it to you, but we are horses.”
“No, sister, we are ponies. And why are you calling us that derogatory word?”
“No, we are horses. We’re just not dead, because that wouldn’t be fun, would it?”
“It’s only fun till somebody dies, then it’s a fun-er-al!”
“Oh, there it is again, Celly.”
“Luna, turn that off.”
“But I just scavenged it from—”
“Luna, you stole it and—”
“I did not steal from anypony, dear sister. I scavenged it!”
“‘Scavenged’.”
“Exactly! Oh, and sister, ponies don’t have claws, so you doing air quotes with your hooves makes you look like you’re wooing a ghost.”
“...”
“Why are you laughing at my deadly insult?”
“...”
“Sister, be careful. I do not want to pay for your medical bill.”
“Ahh—oh, Luna, never ever be a comedian. You’re going to brutally murder the audience with your dry humor.”
“Dry? To the bone?”
“Stop, s-seriously!”
“Okay, okay, Celly, I’ll stop. Now, where were we?”
“I was confronting you about your headset—”
“I was not stealing!”
“Luna, based on your previous infractions I couldn’t help but come to that conclusion! Remember, I have to assume the worst like if you somehow died by an assassin whose paycheck weighs on killing you because you took his ten bits. Not only would I be sad, but I wouldn’t be able to stop him until two days after the exchange had happened.”
“I wouldn’t die—wait, why two days?”
“Isn’t that the standard?”
“...”
“Luna? I don’t know why you’re laughing.”
“T-Thou thinks there’s a time stamp on death? What are thee, Death herself?!”
“Quiet, nave.”
“Nave? Sister, the language of the dead is my claim to fame!”
“Exactly.”
“Why…? Oh I hate when you do that.”
“That’s what you get for stealing.”
“I was not stealing, sister!”
“Prove it, then.”
“Pardon?”
“Prove that you did not steal from anypony.”
“Oh? Wait here then, Fun Killer!”
“Fun Killer?”
“...”
“Oh, she teleported. Well I might as well—”
“...”
“That was quick. Now, who is he?”
“His name is—”
“Black Death, Princess Celestia.”
“Luna, why did you bring a plague into our throne room?”
“Celestia! I did not think you would—”
“Do not worry, Princess Luna. I get that sometimes.”
“Death, that doesn’t mean she can—”
“It’s fine. Let her get the bad joke out of her system.”
“Bad—Oh for crying out loud, sister! Stop laughing your lungs out!”
“I-It’s just, you’ve made death seem so funny that I c-can’t—Black D-Death!”
“We’ll be here for a while, won’t we, Princess Luna?”
“...”
“Celestia stop this madness right now! I still have to prove that I did not steal!”
“O-Oh! Okay! I’m done. Let’s hear it, Luna.”
“Thank you, Fun Killer. Now, Black Death—”
“Pfft—”
“Sister.”
“Sorry!”
“Thank you. Now, Death, tell Celestia that I did not steal from you.”
“She did not steal from me, Princess—”
“Ha! See, he said that I—”
“—only purchased the headset for her new console.”
“What.”
“Celly, I can explain—”
“She came to my shop today, Princess Celestia. I told her she could scavenge through my collection of high quality headsets. She said she wanted that specific headset, so I allowed her to have it under one condition.”
“And what was that condition?”
“Listen to—”
“It’s only fun till somebody dies—”
“—for an entire week.”
“Are you kidding me, Luna?”
“No, I’m not.”
“...”
“Let me get the shovel, Death.”
Hello again, my old adversary: dialogue only stories! Ugh...
You know, it had hints of funny at the start. Reminded me a bit of the old Molestia and Gamer Luna tumblr. It overstayed its welcome by a long shot, though, and what was readable but strenuous with two characters got unbearable when "Black Death" showed up.
Didn't like it. That's all I got, sorry.
You know, it had hints of funny at the start. Reminded me a bit of the old Molestia and Gamer Luna tumblr. It overstayed its welcome by a long shot, though, and what was readable but strenuous with two characters got unbearable when "Black Death" showed up.
Didn't like it. That's all I got, sorry.
Uh… what? This really suffers from being dialogue only. The circumstances are bizarre, the dialogue sometimes drifts into nonsense, and the late inclusion of a third character—an OC I have no way of picturing, no less—makes the conversation much harder to follow. Furthermore, we have to take Luna’s kleptomania on faith, with no textual evidence beyond Celestia's word. Even if you did expand this, there just isn’t much to work with with this premise.
Dialogue-only is very a telly style, which makes it hard to do properly. A prime example of the problem:
When the only way the audience can know that a character is laughing is for a second character to narrate their actions out loud, you are balls-deep in too-much-tell.
While the theme of dialogue-only is cute, it isn't executed well enough here to justify the approach. This story would be significantly better if you dropped that angle and described actions and scenery in a standard way. This is a case where you chose to do something which seemed to be a cheap and easy way to tell the story, but the degree of difficulty for making a good story that way is extremely high.
Also, the only way this story makes any sense me is if Celestia and Luna are performing on stage. That would actually be a great way to tell it, though.
I do not think that word means what you think it means, even though I think I know what you meant. :V
"Why are you laughing at my deadly insult?"
When the only way the audience can know that a character is laughing is for a second character to narrate their actions out loud, you are balls-deep in too-much-tell.
While the theme of dialogue-only is cute, it isn't executed well enough here to justify the approach. This story would be significantly better if you dropped that angle and described actions and scenery in a standard way. This is a case where you chose to do something which seemed to be a cheap and easy way to tell the story, but the degree of difficulty for making a good story that way is extremely high.
Also, the only way this story makes any sense me is if Celestia and Luna are performing on stage. That would actually be a great way to tell it, though.
wooing a ghost
I do not think that word means what you think it means, even though I think I know what you meant. :V
Hmmm...
This is light, and I'm mostly alright with that here? I will say that I didn't find the jokes nearly as funny as the characters did, which was a bit offputting. Also, using "..." for laughing was strange to me, since I normally associate that with more of a blank stare.
If you're interested in doing all-dialogue stories, or all narrative, for that matter, I highly recommend you study Earnest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". This touches on the show/tell thing, I think, and I agree with TQ that all dialogue is fairly 'telly', but I consider the thing with show/tell to be that all stories are telling; the difference is that some can show as well. I'd like some subtext, suggestion, some idea that more is going on here than what's simply being said.
However, you do manage to have more than one joke in here, which is more than most minifics manage. So that's a definite plus.
EDIT: Oh, and I think it's 'knave', not 'nave'? I'm bad at archaic, though. 'nave' made me think 'naif', which is a little different, possibly? Eh, well.
This is light, and I'm mostly alright with that here? I will say that I didn't find the jokes nearly as funny as the characters did, which was a bit offputting. Also, using "..." for laughing was strange to me, since I normally associate that with more of a blank stare.
If you're interested in doing all-dialogue stories, or all narrative, for that matter, I highly recommend you study Earnest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". This touches on the show/tell thing, I think, and I agree with TQ that all dialogue is fairly 'telly', but I consider the thing with show/tell to be that all stories are telling; the difference is that some can show as well. I'd like some subtext, suggestion, some idea that more is going on here than what's simply being said.
However, you do manage to have more than one joke in here, which is more than most minifics manage. So that's a definite plus.
EDIT: Oh, and I think it's 'knave', not 'nave'? I'm bad at archaic, though. 'nave' made me think 'naif', which is a little different, possibly? Eh, well.
This story suffers from its nature as a dialogue-only piece, and while I get why you took that approach, honestly, it didn’t really do the story any real favors.
I wasn’t that amused by the story anyway, and it had shades of the whole Gamer Luna and general out-of-characterness of some silly portrayals of Luna and Celestia that never really worked well for me to begin with. The story as a whole felt a bit random, and I don’t really get the point of the requirement with listening to the music.
Honestly, this felt kind of scattered, and wasn't nearly as funny as it seemed to think it was, judging by the characters laughing.
I wasn’t that amused by the story anyway, and it had shades of the whole Gamer Luna and general out-of-characterness of some silly portrayals of Luna and Celestia that never really worked well for me to begin with. The story as a whole felt a bit random, and I don’t really get the point of the requirement with listening to the music.
Honestly, this felt kind of scattered, and wasn't nearly as funny as it seemed to think it was, judging by the characters laughing.
Usual rant: “Sister, thy tongue does not correlate with our merriment!” doth, not does. If you elect to make Luna use Shakespearean English, go for it, but go the whole hog, otherwise it just looks like you're showing off. And the horrid “T-Thou thinks” instead of ‘thinkest’ does nothing to assuage that (also ‘are’ instead of ‘art’, etc.).
“Remember, I have to assume the worst like if you somehow died by an assassin whose paycheck weighs on killing you because you took his ten bits.” Couldn't parse that sentence.
I didn't get the ‘nave’ until I read Hat’s review. It’s knave, yeah, Knabe in German means ‘boy’.
All those approximations marred my experience. I agree with the others that the all dialogue format is not a good choice. Either you want to add some context and descriptions of the decor, either well, risk the script form, which would be much more natural for such a vignette.
“Remember, I have to assume the worst like if you somehow died by an assassin whose paycheck weighs on killing you because you took his ten bits.” Couldn't parse that sentence.
I didn't get the ‘nave’ until I read Hat’s review. It’s knave, yeah, Knabe in German means ‘boy’.
All those approximations marred my experience. I agree with the others that the all dialogue format is not a good choice. Either you want to add some context and descriptions of the decor, either well, risk the script form, which would be much more natural for such a vignette.
I couldn't help it, but I imagined the whole exchange performed by two comedians (I got the vibe of that kind of sketches) complete with the exaggerated motions and all. I know such sketches are performed in Japan (and also in Tuskany, but I reckon Japan may be more familiar to most people) with all the stiffness and "tellyness" required to deliver background information in short packages to give the jokes context.
And with all this I found it quite funny.
The problem seems to be that the story works for me only because I added my own frame around it. As suggested by >>Trick_Question adding a bit of context (Celestia and Luna performing would work) would go to great lengths to improve this story.
And with all this I found it quite funny.
The problem seems to be that the story works for me only because I added my own frame around it. As suggested by >>Trick_Question adding a bit of context (Celestia and Luna performing would work) would go to great lengths to improve this story.
I got a genuine laugh out of the "glutton free" line. A lot of it made me smile before the (apparent) teleportation happened. After that it descended into too much randomness for me to follow.
Author, I'll congratulate you for making the absence of anything but dialogue work as well as you did for as long as you did, but I think these bones would need some more flesh to become a contender.
Author, I'll congratulate you for making the absence of anything but dialogue work as well as you did for as long as you did, but I think these bones would need some more flesh to become a contender.
As someone who struggles with description and leans heavily toward dialogue, I can understand the temptation of a dialogue-only story. However, it really messes with the pacing. You've got a decent rapport between Luna and Celestia, but it all just moves too fast, nothing's given room to breathe since there's no bodily or facial reaction to compliment the dialogue.
