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Probably Not Innuendo
The werewolf loomed.
”Prepare to die.”
The vampire rolled her eyes.
Werewolf grabbed on,
Leapt off the edge,
And howled as the vampire sighed.
Plummeting down,
Near the ground,
The vampire smirked. ”Prepare.”
Then flying up,
They reached their peak,
And the werewolf changed her tune.
Gravity then
Plucked at them
And brought them both back down.
Bouncing up and down,
They danced that night
Til grabbed by a hand below.
The hand unlocked
Both their clasps;
The bungee cords hung loose.
”Again?” asked vamp,
But wolf looked sick.
”It's messing my costume.”
So off they went
To spend their night
Nibbling on an elephant ear.
”Prepare to die.”
The vampire rolled her eyes.
Werewolf grabbed on,
Leapt off the edge,
And howled as the vampire sighed.
Plummeting down,
Near the ground,
The vampire smirked. ”Prepare.”
Then flying up,
They reached their peak,
And the werewolf changed her tune.
Gravity then
Plucked at them
And brought them both back down.
Bouncing up and down,
They danced that night
Til grabbed by a hand below.
The hand unlocked
Both their clasps;
The bungee cords hung loose.
”Again?” asked vamp,
But wolf looked sick.
”It's messing my costume.”
So off they went
To spend their night
Nibbling on an elephant ear.
Genre: Raining Bats and Dogs
This is cute and simple enough. Although, since you had a sing-songy scheme, I would have liked for you to keep the meter better kept together. Also, the iambic nature of the piece is ruined sometimes by words that could be omitted or switched around.
Example:
“Til grabbed by a hand below.”
Better as:
“Til grabbed by hand(s) below.”
The stresses are much better in the second one, which I’m sure Pascoite will be pointing out.
Best line(s): “ Gravity then/Plucked at them”
This is cute and simple enough. Although, since you had a sing-songy scheme, I would have liked for you to keep the meter better kept together. Also, the iambic nature of the piece is ruined sometimes by words that could be omitted or switched around.
Example:
“Til grabbed by a hand below.”
Better as:
“Til grabbed by hand(s) below.”
The stresses are much better in the second one, which I’m sure Pascoite will be pointing out.
Best line(s): “ Gravity then/Plucked at them”
Not a bad little switcheroo, making a fight morph into possibly innuendo, then have it turn out to be a carnival ride.
Structurally, there's nothing regular, but I don't know if there was supposed to be. You don't have consistent stress patterns or syllable counts, but the stanzas do have fairly consistent patterns of how long it takes to read lines, and with the irregular stresses added (as the rule, not the exception) this does end up feeling more like natural speech than verse to me, and that's fine. Verse would have been harder to do, and so would increase your difficulty score, but what's here isn't bad.
It is just another "oh, that's what they were doing" story, but it is a cute one.
Structurally, there's nothing regular, but I don't know if there was supposed to be. You don't have consistent stress patterns or syllable counts, but the stanzas do have fairly consistent patterns of how long it takes to read lines, and with the irregular stresses added (as the rule, not the exception) this does end up feeling more like natural speech than verse to me, and that's fine. Verse would have been harder to do, and so would increase your difficulty score, but what's here isn't bad.
It is just another "oh, that's what they were doing" story, but it is a cute one.
This kind of sits at that triple-point between being blank/verse, traditional poetry, and prose for me. Some rhymes, some meter, and some parallelism, but not really committing either way. It's definitely something unique, for sure. I also really like your imagery here, and the whole subject matter is conveyed in a rewarding way.
I am, however, running into the issue that I had with some of our other entries this round, which is that it's kind of hard to get into the flow of this one since it's swapping out its primary structure so many times. Occasionally between a stanza or two, there'll be a repeated sentence structure or a consistent meter, and then we'd never see that particular element again. My personal philosophy regarding poetry is that poetry is heavily dependent upon setting readers' expectations through structure and repetition, so for this one I did feel like I'm not quite getting enough cues to feel my way through the piece.
So overall, while I do enjoy where this piece goes, I have to admit that I'm not quite as enamored by the feel of the piece as a whole.
I am, however, running into the issue that I had with some of our other entries this round, which is that it's kind of hard to get into the flow of this one since it's swapping out its primary structure so many times. Occasionally between a stanza or two, there'll be a repeated sentence structure or a consistent meter, and then we'd never see that particular element again. My personal philosophy regarding poetry is that poetry is heavily dependent upon setting readers' expectations through structure and repetition, so for this one I did feel like I'm not quite getting enough cues to feel my way through the piece.
So overall, while I do enjoy where this piece goes, I have to admit that I'm not quite as enamored by the feel of the piece as a whole.
It might be fun:
To experiment with the herky-jerky, "sometimes meter, sometimes not" in the middle of the poem when they're actually on the ride, but to make that work, author, you'd have to establish the rhythm strongly at the beginning so that you can break it up and then return to it at the end. As it is, though, the staggering of it bothered me almost as much as the backward quotation marks at the beginning of each line of dialogue--how does that even happen?
Mike
To experiment with the herky-jerky, "sometimes meter, sometimes not" in the middle of the poem when they're actually on the ride, but to make that work, author, you'd have to establish the rhythm strongly at the beginning so that you can break it up and then return to it at the end. As it is, though, the staggering of it bothered me almost as much as the backward quotation marks at the beginning of each line of dialogue--how does that even happen?
Mike
Would be interested to know if there was any intended rhythmic structure for this poem. For example, why vampire/werewolf are used in some parts and vamp/wolf in others.
Also interested in what an elephant ear is :P Took me a while to get the message but it's a nice one in the end!
Also interested in what an elephant ear is :P Took me a while to get the message but it's a nice one in the end!