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Soccer Dash!
“Alright! We’re ready to start!” Rainbow Dash pumps a hoof.
In front of the Castle of Friendship stands a quaint soccer arrangement. Two nets form the ends of a 30 yard field. It isn’t long until a crowd steadily forms around the area. Prying eyes scour the empty space before the Castle. Various oos, ahhs, and questions float along the fringes.
“Okay, Rainbow.” Princess Twilight calls from the doorstep. “Just pick an opponent--if this is really what you wanna do,” she rolls her eyes.
“Hmm,” Rainbow Dash rubs at her chin with narrow eyes. “I choose…” Her eyes pop wide and she emits a smiling gasp. “You! At the back!” She takes float and points across the field’s width. A dark figure twitches among the crowd. “Thoren! Get over here!”
Surrounding ponies draw a breath and widen their eyes. They step aside and nudge forth the chosen one. A white earth pony with a black mane and trench coat steps forward. His brow furrows. “Why?” Thoren lowers his head. “Why does it have to be me?”
Rainbow smirks. “Because if you don’t, you’re just gonna go home and stay there until you go to work tomorrow.”
“And?” Thoren raises an eyebrow and his head. Vivid blue challenges moderate cerise.
“You work the night shift, right?”
“Yes.” Thoren half narrows his eyes.
“So you’re gonna be stowed away between home and the Boutique for another whole week?” Rainbow feigns exasperation and throws up her forelegs.
“Why do you care?” Thoren snaps, but catches and swallows it down. “Why does that matter?” He sighs it out.
The pegasus floats toward and meets the earth pony face to face. “‘Cause you’re a shut-in,” her eyes narrow, then casually widen again. “Besides, I hear you’ve been kickin’ up a sick training routine. I wanna see what you’re made of.” She bumps Thoren’s shoulder with a hoof.
“Er--okay,” he shrugs. “Does it have to be public? I was going to start training when I got home. You could’ve asked to join me.”
“Hmm,” she fake-thinks. “Nahhh. I’m at a point of no return, and you never publicly compete. Think of it like uncharted territory!”
Thoren mixes a sigh with a groan, and takes a moment to contemplate. “Fine. If you really--”
“--Great!” Rainbow grins and extends a hoof. “I’ll see you in the center!”
Thoren glances between her hoof and face. “Un,” he lengthens the U and bumps her hoof.
. . .
“Alright,” Twilight joins the competitors at field center. A pink-lavender aura swells around a soccer ball and keeps it airborne. “First to five goals wins the match. You guys ready?” She announces; eyes shifting between the two.
“Ready!” They nod with unyielding gazes at the other.
The whistle blows, a transparent magic barrier forms, and the ball drops from high above.
Both contestants brace to move, and break out in unison as the ball falls. While they both begin at once, Thoren’s spring takes him just high enough above Rainbow Dash. On its way down, both players twist themselves in the air, but it is the stallion’s hind hooves that connect with the ball and send it screaming past his opponent’s ear. By time she finishes her gasp, the ball clears the field and slams into her net.
“What?!” Rainbow’s jaw gapes.
“Whoa!” Twilight announces. “Looks like Thoren got the drop on Rainbow Dash! One to zero!”
The surrounding ponies gasp and hoopla in light of Thoren’s score, but the stallion finds himself uneasily moving his jaw.
“Whatever!” Rainbow interjects. “Beginner’s luck, obviously. Think fast, edgelord!” She serves from her goal with a solid buck. The ball rockets along the ground.
Thoren stands ready with his hoof brushing the earth. In one movement, he intercepts as it enters his radius; his hindlegs swiping the ball and whirling it around. Like a dance, he spins and relaunches towards Rainbow’s half. Both ponies race forth as Rainbow knocks it back his way. The window to react tightens. Thoren stops to lower his head to scoop the ball with his snout. It flies upwards and he prepares to strike back, but Rainbow Dash proves to be a step ahead: she’s already airborne as she bucks the ball straight into his goal. Stallion gasps, and mare chuckles.
“Nice comeback!” Twilight calls out. “Looks like this’ll be a tight race!”
The crowd goes wild, but now resounds a mixture of cheers between the two contestants.
All the while, a spark seems to ignite in Thoren. The ball rolls out of his net, and he slowly wanders his eyes between it and his opponent. All of a sudden, he breaks out into a small smile. “Heh. Is that all you got?” He calls after Rainbow Dash for all to hear. Then, he serves the ball to give her a free kick, and taunts: “Come on, wimp!” Thoren gestures.
The crowd hums in a collective “Ooo…”
The mouth hangs open on the pegasus, but in the end, she stifles a snicker. “Gosh, the stones on this one.” Rainbow Dash smirks. “Get ready to go crying to mommy!”
. . .
The score is four even, just as Twilight predicts. Next goal on either side is match point. Practically combatants, Thoren and Rainbow Dash stand off from either end of the field, with the ball on the latter’s side.
“Lookin’ a little...rundown there...Thoren,” Rainbow heaves and sweats.
“You gonna serve the ball...or what?” He calls back.
“Okay…” She forces a grin. “You asked for it!” As her last stand, Rainbow Dash deals her strongest buck of the game. The ball barrels through towards a steadfast stallion, who turns his side to absorb its blow. The object slams into him with a slight crunch. Thoren winces, but presses on. He musters just enough energy to kick it airborne and launch it straight back.
“Oof!”
The ball drives straight into his opponent’s face, in her pursuit of the final kick.
“Rainbow Dash!” Thoren shouts through a gasp. He charges straight toward the other, and comes to a grinding halt before her. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m...fine. Ugh,” she cradles her nose.
“Let me see,” upon instinct, he produces a hoofkerchief from his coat. “Sweet Celestia…” His instinct reigns true. Surely enough, a thick line of blood runs down from her left nostril. “Damn it...I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash. Would you mind if I--?”
“Yeah, go ahead,” she huffs. “Thanks.”
“Okay,” he nods and presses gradually against her nose. “I guess I got a little carried away, there.”
“Oh yeah, same here,” Rainbow manages a laugh. “But look at it this way: you ain’t fooling me, Thoren. You had fun today!”
“You think so?”
“I know so! You came alive today, and that was a pretty good buck! And you know what else?” She wiggles her eyebrows.
“What?”
The brightest grin spreads over Rainbow Dash as she wraps a foreleg around Thoren’s shoulder and points towards his goal. A lone soccer ball sits snugly against the net.
“I won!!!”
In front of the Castle of Friendship stands a quaint soccer arrangement. Two nets form the ends of a 30 yard field. It isn’t long until a crowd steadily forms around the area. Prying eyes scour the empty space before the Castle. Various oos, ahhs, and questions float along the fringes.
“Okay, Rainbow.” Princess Twilight calls from the doorstep. “Just pick an opponent--if this is really what you wanna do,” she rolls her eyes.
“Hmm,” Rainbow Dash rubs at her chin with narrow eyes. “I choose…” Her eyes pop wide and she emits a smiling gasp. “You! At the back!” She takes float and points across the field’s width. A dark figure twitches among the crowd. “Thoren! Get over here!”
Surrounding ponies draw a breath and widen their eyes. They step aside and nudge forth the chosen one. A white earth pony with a black mane and trench coat steps forward. His brow furrows. “Why?” Thoren lowers his head. “Why does it have to be me?”
Rainbow smirks. “Because if you don’t, you’re just gonna go home and stay there until you go to work tomorrow.”
“And?” Thoren raises an eyebrow and his head. Vivid blue challenges moderate cerise.
“You work the night shift, right?”
“Yes.” Thoren half narrows his eyes.
“So you’re gonna be stowed away between home and the Boutique for another whole week?” Rainbow feigns exasperation and throws up her forelegs.
“Why do you care?” Thoren snaps, but catches and swallows it down. “Why does that matter?” He sighs it out.
The pegasus floats toward and meets the earth pony face to face. “‘Cause you’re a shut-in,” her eyes narrow, then casually widen again. “Besides, I hear you’ve been kickin’ up a sick training routine. I wanna see what you’re made of.” She bumps Thoren’s shoulder with a hoof.
“Er--okay,” he shrugs. “Does it have to be public? I was going to start training when I got home. You could’ve asked to join me.”
“Hmm,” she fake-thinks. “Nahhh. I’m at a point of no return, and you never publicly compete. Think of it like uncharted territory!”
Thoren mixes a sigh with a groan, and takes a moment to contemplate. “Fine. If you really--”
“--Great!” Rainbow grins and extends a hoof. “I’ll see you in the center!”
Thoren glances between her hoof and face. “Un,” he lengthens the U and bumps her hoof.
. . .
“Alright,” Twilight joins the competitors at field center. A pink-lavender aura swells around a soccer ball and keeps it airborne. “First to five goals wins the match. You guys ready?” She announces; eyes shifting between the two.
“Ready!” They nod with unyielding gazes at the other.
The whistle blows, a transparent magic barrier forms, and the ball drops from high above.
Both contestants brace to move, and break out in unison as the ball falls. While they both begin at once, Thoren’s spring takes him just high enough above Rainbow Dash. On its way down, both players twist themselves in the air, but it is the stallion’s hind hooves that connect with the ball and send it screaming past his opponent’s ear. By time she finishes her gasp, the ball clears the field and slams into her net.
“What?!” Rainbow’s jaw gapes.
“Whoa!” Twilight announces. “Looks like Thoren got the drop on Rainbow Dash! One to zero!”
The surrounding ponies gasp and hoopla in light of Thoren’s score, but the stallion finds himself uneasily moving his jaw.
“Whatever!” Rainbow interjects. “Beginner’s luck, obviously. Think fast, edgelord!” She serves from her goal with a solid buck. The ball rockets along the ground.
Thoren stands ready with his hoof brushing the earth. In one movement, he intercepts as it enters his radius; his hindlegs swiping the ball and whirling it around. Like a dance, he spins and relaunches towards Rainbow’s half. Both ponies race forth as Rainbow knocks it back his way. The window to react tightens. Thoren stops to lower his head to scoop the ball with his snout. It flies upwards and he prepares to strike back, but Rainbow Dash proves to be a step ahead: she’s already airborne as she bucks the ball straight into his goal. Stallion gasps, and mare chuckles.
“Nice comeback!” Twilight calls out. “Looks like this’ll be a tight race!”
The crowd goes wild, but now resounds a mixture of cheers between the two contestants.
All the while, a spark seems to ignite in Thoren. The ball rolls out of his net, and he slowly wanders his eyes between it and his opponent. All of a sudden, he breaks out into a small smile. “Heh. Is that all you got?” He calls after Rainbow Dash for all to hear. Then, he serves the ball to give her a free kick, and taunts: “Come on, wimp!” Thoren gestures.
The crowd hums in a collective “Ooo…”
The mouth hangs open on the pegasus, but in the end, she stifles a snicker. “Gosh, the stones on this one.” Rainbow Dash smirks. “Get ready to go crying to mommy!”
. . .
The score is four even, just as Twilight predicts. Next goal on either side is match point. Practically combatants, Thoren and Rainbow Dash stand off from either end of the field, with the ball on the latter’s side.
“Lookin’ a little...rundown there...Thoren,” Rainbow heaves and sweats.
“You gonna serve the ball...or what?” He calls back.
“Okay…” She forces a grin. “You asked for it!” As her last stand, Rainbow Dash deals her strongest buck of the game. The ball barrels through towards a steadfast stallion, who turns his side to absorb its blow. The object slams into him with a slight crunch. Thoren winces, but presses on. He musters just enough energy to kick it airborne and launch it straight back.
“Oof!”
The ball drives straight into his opponent’s face, in her pursuit of the final kick.
“Rainbow Dash!” Thoren shouts through a gasp. He charges straight toward the other, and comes to a grinding halt before her. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m...fine. Ugh,” she cradles her nose.
“Let me see,” upon instinct, he produces a hoofkerchief from his coat. “Sweet Celestia…” His instinct reigns true. Surely enough, a thick line of blood runs down from her left nostril. “Damn it...I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash. Would you mind if I--?”
“Yeah, go ahead,” she huffs. “Thanks.”
“Okay,” he nods and presses gradually against her nose. “I guess I got a little carried away, there.”
“Oh yeah, same here,” Rainbow manages a laugh. “But look at it this way: you ain’t fooling me, Thoren. You had fun today!”
“You think so?”
“I know so! You came alive today, and that was a pretty good buck! And you know what else?” She wiggles her eyebrows.
“What?”
The brightest grin spreads over Rainbow Dash as she wraps a foreleg around Thoren’s shoulder and points towards his goal. A lone soccer ball sits snugly against the net.
“I won!!!”
Rainbow Dash: "I'm about to end this man's whole career."
Something I liked:
Weirdly funny. I figured this would be a comedy of sorts, but I underestimated the prose's ability to ambush me. There are some really odd word choices that somehow work ("fake-thinks" still gets a laugh out of me), and if anything I really like the tone of this story. I feel like Dash herself is characterized beautifully, and Twilight checks out for the few lines she has. Ballsy move to have the other main character be an OC, and at first I couldn't tell if we're supposed to shit on Thoren or not, but I ended up liking him a fair bit; he's developed enough that his "victory" feels like it means something.
Something I didn't like:
While I am please with how Thoren's side of the story turned out, Dash's side kind of just... stops. It could be that the stakes of this match aren't established very well (Why does Dash even wanna do this?), and it seems like a good deal of context of missing. Then there's the subtext, which I didn't get much from. Unless you're really into soccer (or any sport), it's a good idea to add subtext to the physical activity, so that the reader has something emotional to latch onto aside from the game itself.
Verdict: It's fun, it's funny, it's pretty endearing, even if the ending left me wanting something more.
Something I liked:
Weirdly funny. I figured this would be a comedy of sorts, but I underestimated the prose's ability to ambush me. There are some really odd word choices that somehow work ("fake-thinks" still gets a laugh out of me), and if anything I really like the tone of this story. I feel like Dash herself is characterized beautifully, and Twilight checks out for the few lines she has. Ballsy move to have the other main character be an OC, and at first I couldn't tell if we're supposed to shit on Thoren or not, but I ended up liking him a fair bit; he's developed enough that his "victory" feels like it means something.
Something I didn't like:
While I am please with how Thoren's side of the story turned out, Dash's side kind of just... stops. It could be that the stakes of this match aren't established very well (Why does Dash even wanna do this?), and it seems like a good deal of context of missing. Then there's the subtext, which I didn't get much from. Unless you're really into soccer (or any sport), it's a good idea to add subtext to the physical activity, so that the reader has something emotional to latch onto aside from the game itself.
Verdict: It's fun, it's funny, it's pretty endearing, even if the ending left me wanting something more.
Instead of pumping a hoof, let's pump the gas. Pedal to the metal and hit the ramp so we can hit the ground running. Start your story in the middle because nobody wants to watch a NASCAR driver taking a piss before the race. [actually, if that's your kink... submit a prompt to the next competition. Let's make everyone write about it.]
I want to see the conflict at the starting line and wrecks along the way. Inject drama with a Chase for the Cup near the end. Instant replay shows you nailed that part, but consider cutting to commercial a sentence or so sooner.
"towards his goal" is ambiguous without the last line. Fix that if cutting.
I want to see the conflict at the starting line and wrecks along the way. Inject drama with a Chase for the Cup near the end. Instant replay shows you nailed that part, but consider cutting to commercial a sentence or so sooner.
"towards his goal" is ambiguous without the last line. Fix that if cutting.
I won!
Ok, starting from the top, I think we could've used more context as to why Rainbow Dash is going into this arrangement. What was Rainbow setting out to achieve; did she set it up to challenge Thoren or was it just a random thing that happened out of the blue? Also, incredibly nitpicky -- the average soccer field is about 110-120 yards long, so I assume this field was designed as a 1v1 only or something? I'd also like some clarity on Thoren's backstory.
I think I'd also appreciate more of an insight on Thoren's personality that I think you'd benefit from after the word limit is lifted and you edit for publishing to Fimfic (hopefully!) What caused him to become such a shut-in? How and why did he train soccer? What happened during the match for his competitive side to come out? No Raisin already mentioned this, but it would fit really well under the subtext of the match, and cause readers to feel more emotionally invested in the characters, rather than just watch the physical story (which I suspect here was inspired by something one might find from comics or manga, or maybe even the 4chan Cup :thonk:).
One final thing. Agree with Raisin that there were a couple odd grammar things and word placements (for ex: Twilight rolling her eyes, or calling Thoren "the chosen one"). Don't wanna go too in detail here but I'd be happy to give some more specifics after the event!
With that being said, I think the characterization of Rainbow Dash was pretty good, and I actually had a pretty easy time picturing the scene as it happened. I also enjoyed the upbeat tone of the piece, so I felt happy for the characters by the story's conclusion. So did I enjoy this piece as a whole? Absolutely! It fit perfectly into the slice of life genre.
Total side note, but I used to be a soccer nerd so soccer is always a win in my book. Thanks for the entry, anon!
Ok, starting from the top, I think we could've used more context as to why Rainbow Dash is going into this arrangement. What was Rainbow setting out to achieve; did she set it up to challenge Thoren or was it just a random thing that happened out of the blue? Also, incredibly nitpicky -- the average soccer field is about 110-120 yards long, so I assume this field was designed as a 1v1 only or something? I'd also like some clarity on Thoren's backstory.
I think I'd also appreciate more of an insight on Thoren's personality that I think you'd benefit from after the word limit is lifted and you edit for publishing to Fimfic (hopefully!) What caused him to become such a shut-in? How and why did he train soccer? What happened during the match for his competitive side to come out? No Raisin already mentioned this, but it would fit really well under the subtext of the match, and cause readers to feel more emotionally invested in the characters, rather than just watch the physical story (which I suspect here was inspired by something one might find from comics or manga, or maybe even the 4chan Cup :thonk:).
One final thing. Agree with Raisin that there were a couple odd grammar things and word placements (for ex: Twilight rolling her eyes, or calling Thoren "the chosen one"). Don't wanna go too in detail here but I'd be happy to give some more specifics after the event!
With that being said, I think the characterization of Rainbow Dash was pretty good, and I actually had a pretty easy time picturing the scene as it happened. I also enjoyed the upbeat tone of the piece, so I felt happy for the characters by the story's conclusion. So did I enjoy this piece as a whole? Absolutely! It fit perfectly into the slice of life genre.
Total side note, but I used to be a soccer nerd so soccer is always a win in my book. Thanks for the entry, anon!
Technical difficulties first:
Next time you're at Fimfiction, author, tap the "Help" button at the top of any page. In the menu that comes up, select "Writing Guide," then under "Punctuation," click on "Said tags," and read through the next several sections. Pay special attention to the examples Ezn gives so you can see how properly punctuated dialogue should look: when to use a comma and when to use a period, when to use a capital letter and when to use a lower-case. After all, if you're gonna play soccer, you hafta know the rules or you're gonna get penalized...
As for the story itself, I'll agree with the others that the big unanswered question for Dash is "Why now?" Why is she doing this today instead of yesterday or the day after? What is it about this moment in time that has triggered her to challenge this random stallion to a soccer game? Give us an answer to that, and you'll go a long way to making a fun story even better.
Mike
Next time you're at Fimfiction, author, tap the "Help" button at the top of any page. In the menu that comes up, select "Writing Guide," then under "Punctuation," click on "Said tags," and read through the next several sections. Pay special attention to the examples Ezn gives so you can see how properly punctuated dialogue should look: when to use a comma and when to use a period, when to use a capital letter and when to use a lower-case. After all, if you're gonna play soccer, you hafta know the rules or you're gonna get penalized...
As for the story itself, I'll agree with the others that the big unanswered question for Dash is "Why now?" Why is she doing this today instead of yesterday or the day after? What is it about this moment in time that has triggered her to challenge this random stallion to a soccer game? Give us an answer to that, and you'll go a long way to making a fun story even better.
Mike
Genre: Thoren? Take An Athpren
Thoughts: I’m going to just cut to the chase here—the story that starts once the soccer match begins feels entirely disconnected from the story taking place up to that moment. The first one is, as much as I hate to say this, kind of random. Ponies gather, RD calls out a fellow in a trenchcoat, and eventually they duel on the (soccer) field of honor. But what makes this rough is that there’s no clear context presented for the gathering. Right now it reads like someone has arranged for a crowd to assemble so that Dash can challenge a not-predetermined one of them to a one-on-one... which (IMO) doesn’t make sense without further explanation.
But not all is lost. Once we get into the (logical) second scene, things start working a lot better. The action reads pretty well, the back-and-forth banter makes sense, and we even get a cool flourish by Dash at the end. This all is fine and functional, and it (again) makes me wish there was some clearer context to plug it into from the first half.
So I guess that’s where I’m at with this. There’s good execution in the second half that’s held back by a lack of explanation in the first. Or maybe it’s more like... explanation of some things, yes; but not of either character’s reasons for showing up to the competition. Focus on adding some more of that, Author, and the rest will follow.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: I’m going to just cut to the chase here—the story that starts once the soccer match begins feels entirely disconnected from the story taking place up to that moment. The first one is, as much as I hate to say this, kind of random. Ponies gather, RD calls out a fellow in a trenchcoat, and eventually they duel on the (soccer) field of honor. But what makes this rough is that there’s no clear context presented for the gathering. Right now it reads like someone has arranged for a crowd to assemble so that Dash can challenge a not-predetermined one of them to a one-on-one... which (IMO) doesn’t make sense without further explanation.
But not all is lost. Once we get into the (logical) second scene, things start working a lot better. The action reads pretty well, the back-and-forth banter makes sense, and we even get a cool flourish by Dash at the end. This all is fine and functional, and it (again) makes me wish there was some clearer context to plug it into from the first half.
So I guess that’s where I’m at with this. There’s good execution in the second half that’s held back by a lack of explanation in the first. Or maybe it’s more like... explanation of some things, yes; but not of either character’s reasons for showing up to the competition. Focus on adding some more of that, Author, and the rest will follow.
Tier: Keep Developing
I really enjoyed the action when things got into the soccer game itself, the bit of banter, and also the finale of it. That said, there's a lot here that can use some work: dialogue tags, the first scene/setup for the soccer game and some of the prose itself outside of the action of the soccer game.
I think some expansion of the first scene, and possibly even the soccer match itself, would be good for it.
I think some expansion of the first scene, and possibly even the soccer match itself, would be good for it.