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Undercover Ambassador
"I'm ready when you are Starlight," Twilight stated. Starlight retrieved a spell, now foreign to her, from the corner of her mind. To her displeasure, the necessary focus and level of power resurfaced effortlessly.
"Are you sure, Twilight? We can always find another way." Starlight replied skeptically.
"I know how you feel, if you want to stop we can." Closing the distance, Twilight placed a hoof on her shoulder. "I'm sure we'll find another way to accomplish our goal." She knew that every attempt at brokering peace had failure. While Twilight's proposal sounded crazy. It would theoretically endow the test subject with the ability to communicate, if successful.
"Thanks for your concern but I'll be alright," Starlight answered.
Twilight's excitement couldn't be concealed despite her attempt to do so. Once she was back in the runic circle, Starlight drew forth her magic. Initializing the spell, soft-pained groans filled the room. As Twilight's distress grew her magical presence shrank.
A tear fell as Starlight recalled a very unpleasant memory. Twilight's torment finally subsided as a shard of magical essence was extracted. Despite her slightly greyed color and weaken state, Twilight insisted she was fine. Taking a deep cathartic breath, Starlight attempted to weave the fragment into the stone statue.
Due to the difficulty of merging something living with something dead, beads of sweat formed across her brow. While Starlight was busy, Twilight made her way to the table in the corner. Taking the pestle in hoof, she began to prepare the needed potion.
With her free hoof, Twilight added two cloves of a Plentra plant, a pinch of dried Crisscross Moss, and four leaves of an Aveynah Tree into the mortar. Once they were ground into a fine powder, she poured them into a large beaker. The next set of ingredients was a scoop of thundercloud, tablespoon of molasses, finely crushed ashes, and blood of the alchemist.
Once the ingredients were added, Twilight filled the beaker half-way with filtered water from The Northern Luna Ocean. Once corked, she vigorously mixed the contents until a gooey dark-green liquid formed. An exhausted Starlight met her sight as she turned around. With mixture-in-hoof, Twilight made her way over to inquired about her well-being.
It was Starlight's turn to deflect, asking instead if Twilight was ready to finish the ritual. With an exhausted breath, she nodded. Uncorking the beaker, Twilight poured most of the mixture onto the statue. Setting aside the rest, she began to smear the mixture over every inch of it.
Once finished, Starlight and Twilight combined their magic before engulfing the statue. According to the tome, if brewed properly, the mixture would activate when struck with magic. While harmless to organics, would perfectly replicate, provided there was enough material, any image of the caster(s) desire.
After hours of conjuring and immense concentration, both ponies collapsed from exhaustion. The coolness of the floor enticed Twilight to remain sprawled out. However, Starlight's shocked gasp caused her eyes to snap open. It wasn't long before Twilight saw what had startled her.
Between them stood a realistic statue of a Timber wolf. Its perfect coloration and detail would scare any passerby without fail. Getting to her hooves, Twilight crossed the room to the open tome. After a brief skim of its pages, she stated "a soul-binding" was the last step. "Thank Celestia this is almost done," Starlight grumbled.
"I couldn't agree more," Twilight called while positioning herself in front of the statue. Her consciousness exploded into darkness as Starlight connected them via a magical arch. Twilight dropped to the floor as Starlight quickly reconnected both shard and magical host together.
Once done, triple checked for assurance, did she remove her magic from them. While gently prodded Twilight's wither, Starlight calling her name. Her calm demeanor soon crumbled as neither Twilight or statue seemed responsive. Frightful of what might have happened, Starlight conjured a page and quill.
Half-way through her letter to Celestia, Starlight's ears caught a faint sound. It was brief but sounded like the dragging of claws against stone. As Twilight got to her hooves, the statue lifted than lowered the corresponding leg. "Twilight? Did it work?" Starlight asked. Both their eyes turned to meet hers.
Twilight's vocal confirmation was soon followed by the light growl of the statue. Although relieved, her curiosity overshadowed it as a slew of questions burst forth. Answering the best she could, Twilight attempted to walk as the statue. Due to the complete alteration of her physical form, Twilight stumbled several times.
However, she soon got the hang of walking. According to Twilight's hypothesis, the words spoken by her were translated into the proper lingual of the Timberwolves. Eager to gather data, Twilight maneuvered the statue out of the basement and into the Forbidden Forest.
"Are you sure, Twilight? We can always find another way." Starlight replied skeptically.
"I know how you feel, if you want to stop we can." Closing the distance, Twilight placed a hoof on her shoulder. "I'm sure we'll find another way to accomplish our goal." She knew that every attempt at brokering peace had failure. While Twilight's proposal sounded crazy. It would theoretically endow the test subject with the ability to communicate, if successful.
"Thanks for your concern but I'll be alright," Starlight answered.
Twilight's excitement couldn't be concealed despite her attempt to do so. Once she was back in the runic circle, Starlight drew forth her magic. Initializing the spell, soft-pained groans filled the room. As Twilight's distress grew her magical presence shrank.
A tear fell as Starlight recalled a very unpleasant memory. Twilight's torment finally subsided as a shard of magical essence was extracted. Despite her slightly greyed color and weaken state, Twilight insisted she was fine. Taking a deep cathartic breath, Starlight attempted to weave the fragment into the stone statue.
Due to the difficulty of merging something living with something dead, beads of sweat formed across her brow. While Starlight was busy, Twilight made her way to the table in the corner. Taking the pestle in hoof, she began to prepare the needed potion.
With her free hoof, Twilight added two cloves of a Plentra plant, a pinch of dried Crisscross Moss, and four leaves of an Aveynah Tree into the mortar. Once they were ground into a fine powder, she poured them into a large beaker. The next set of ingredients was a scoop of thundercloud, tablespoon of molasses, finely crushed ashes, and blood of the alchemist.
Once the ingredients were added, Twilight filled the beaker half-way with filtered water from The Northern Luna Ocean. Once corked, she vigorously mixed the contents until a gooey dark-green liquid formed. An exhausted Starlight met her sight as she turned around. With mixture-in-hoof, Twilight made her way over to inquired about her well-being.
It was Starlight's turn to deflect, asking instead if Twilight was ready to finish the ritual. With an exhausted breath, she nodded. Uncorking the beaker, Twilight poured most of the mixture onto the statue. Setting aside the rest, she began to smear the mixture over every inch of it.
Once finished, Starlight and Twilight combined their magic before engulfing the statue. According to the tome, if brewed properly, the mixture would activate when struck with magic. While harmless to organics, would perfectly replicate, provided there was enough material, any image of the caster(s) desire.
After hours of conjuring and immense concentration, both ponies collapsed from exhaustion. The coolness of the floor enticed Twilight to remain sprawled out. However, Starlight's shocked gasp caused her eyes to snap open. It wasn't long before Twilight saw what had startled her.
Between them stood a realistic statue of a Timber wolf. Its perfect coloration and detail would scare any passerby without fail. Getting to her hooves, Twilight crossed the room to the open tome. After a brief skim of its pages, she stated "a soul-binding" was the last step. "Thank Celestia this is almost done," Starlight grumbled.
"I couldn't agree more," Twilight called while positioning herself in front of the statue. Her consciousness exploded into darkness as Starlight connected them via a magical arch. Twilight dropped to the floor as Starlight quickly reconnected both shard and magical host together.
Once done, triple checked for assurance, did she remove her magic from them. While gently prodded Twilight's wither, Starlight calling her name. Her calm demeanor soon crumbled as neither Twilight or statue seemed responsive. Frightful of what might have happened, Starlight conjured a page and quill.
Half-way through her letter to Celestia, Starlight's ears caught a faint sound. It was brief but sounded like the dragging of claws against stone. As Twilight got to her hooves, the statue lifted than lowered the corresponding leg. "Twilight? Did it work?" Starlight asked. Both their eyes turned to meet hers.
Twilight's vocal confirmation was soon followed by the light growl of the statue. Although relieved, her curiosity overshadowed it as a slew of questions burst forth. Answering the best she could, Twilight attempted to walk as the statue. Due to the complete alteration of her physical form, Twilight stumbled several times.
However, she soon got the hang of walking. According to Twilight's hypothesis, the words spoken by her were translated into the proper lingual of the Timberwolves. Eager to gather data, Twilight maneuvered the statue out of the basement and into the Forbidden Forest.
I stewed over this particular story for quite a bit, mostly to figure out and pick apart my thoughts on why this entry didn't quite pan out for me as much as I had hoped. Just to be clear, I do like this more than I don't, especially given the rather unique concept this story has going for it. It's probably one of the more conceptual entries of the bunch, which usually elicits a longer and harder look from me. When you consider my belligerent attention span, the fact that the story's concept alone could keep me engaged on my first read was a win in of itself.
We have Twilight and Starlight here, at first alchemically conjuring up what seems to be a homunculus of a Timberwolf, before they proceed to bind Twilight's soul to it, all so they could have a proper dialogue with the Timberwolves of the Everfree Forest. I can't speak for everyone but I personally haven't read anything like this before, so to see something like this come by did excite me a little. Even after my fifth read, I can't get over gushing how brilliant the ideas at play are here. Really good stuff, fellow Author.
I kinda like the methodical approach you took to tell the story, especially in the beginning when you have Starlight and Twilight throwing in all the ingredients to build the statue. I do think, however, that some sections of the scenes definitely felt a lot colder than it should've been because of that. Case in point, I think Starlight's qualms about the whole process was something that you could definitely expand upon. Not to the point where she gets super frazzled and the whole experiment blows up or something, but just give it a little bit more space to breathe so that this scene feels a little more personal to both Twilight and Starlight.
I have a similar thought for the dialogue, or lack thereof, in some of the scenes, especially leading up towards the end. I might be a little bit nitpicky here as I like myself a story with good dialogue. Nonetheless, you have a lot of spots here where a lot of interesting dialogue could've happened, moments that would allow both Twilight and Starlight to shine with their characterizations to properly contrast the cold delivery, yet they didn't. I think it wouldn't be so glaring were it not for the fact that there is already a bit of dialogue the moment the story started, so I was wondering why the more important bits of dialogue (Twilight asking Starlight how she's doing and Starlight deflecting, Starlight checking on Twilight after the soul-binding, the whole bit at the end) were left out. I think the story would do wonders if we had a more personal touch from the characters themselves in my opinion, and it's something I think the dialogue between our two magically-inclined ponies can deliver in spades.
I do have one question about this story that's been nagging at the back of my mind: why are they doing this? Why are they going through all this trouble to converse with the Timberwolves? I'm convinced both Twilight and Starlight both have their reservations to perform these experiments, so why are they going through with it? Was it just to gather data? If it were, then why couldn't Twilight just perform a few presence-cloaking spells and just observe them in their natural habitat? Frankly, I think the reasoning should be a lot bigger than just 'it's for science!' to warrant the two of them almost exhausting their magical abilities and going through what was essentially a life or death situation.
Summing it all up, I think this entry really does wonders when it comes down to describing the process as it goes along, though I wished more care and effort was placed in giving our characters some room to breathe in a bit more life to balance it out. Nevertheless, I still think the concept's amazing. Would be intrigued to see an expanded version of this, especially one that details what brought them to this point in the first place.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
We have Twilight and Starlight here, at first alchemically conjuring up what seems to be a homunculus of a Timberwolf, before they proceed to bind Twilight's soul to it, all so they could have a proper dialogue with the Timberwolves of the Everfree Forest. I can't speak for everyone but I personally haven't read anything like this before, so to see something like this come by did excite me a little. Even after my fifth read, I can't get over gushing how brilliant the ideas at play are here. Really good stuff, fellow Author.
I kinda like the methodical approach you took to tell the story, especially in the beginning when you have Starlight and Twilight throwing in all the ingredients to build the statue. I do think, however, that some sections of the scenes definitely felt a lot colder than it should've been because of that. Case in point, I think Starlight's qualms about the whole process was something that you could definitely expand upon. Not to the point where she gets super frazzled and the whole experiment blows up or something, but just give it a little bit more space to breathe so that this scene feels a little more personal to both Twilight and Starlight.
I have a similar thought for the dialogue, or lack thereof, in some of the scenes, especially leading up towards the end. I might be a little bit nitpicky here as I like myself a story with good dialogue. Nonetheless, you have a lot of spots here where a lot of interesting dialogue could've happened, moments that would allow both Twilight and Starlight to shine with their characterizations to properly contrast the cold delivery, yet they didn't. I think it wouldn't be so glaring were it not for the fact that there is already a bit of dialogue the moment the story started, so I was wondering why the more important bits of dialogue (Twilight asking Starlight how she's doing and Starlight deflecting, Starlight checking on Twilight after the soul-binding, the whole bit at the end) were left out. I think the story would do wonders if we had a more personal touch from the characters themselves in my opinion, and it's something I think the dialogue between our two magically-inclined ponies can deliver in spades.
I do have one question about this story that's been nagging at the back of my mind: why are they doing this? Why are they going through all this trouble to converse with the Timberwolves? I'm convinced both Twilight and Starlight both have their reservations to perform these experiments, so why are they going through with it? Was it just to gather data? If it were, then why couldn't Twilight just perform a few presence-cloaking spells and just observe them in their natural habitat? Frankly, I think the reasoning should be a lot bigger than just 'it's for science!' to warrant the two of them almost exhausting their magical abilities and going through what was essentially a life or death situation.
Summing it all up, I think this entry really does wonders when it comes down to describing the process as it goes along, though I wished more care and effort was placed in giving our characters some room to breathe in a bit more life to balance it out. Nevertheless, I still think the concept's amazing. Would be intrigued to see an expanded version of this, especially one that details what brought them to this point in the first place.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
But will it blend? That is the question.
Something I liked:
Thinking back on the first time I read this entry, my memory of it is quite foggy. Blame that on me being tired and reading all the entries in one go, but the thing that stuck with me was the ending. If I were the author, I would take a lasso and get a tight hold of what this story is going for. Twilight using a timberwolf statue as a vessel to communicate with other timberwolves is such a creative use of magic, and the fact that the story spends so much time delving into the details of this magic makes it fascinating to read, if not as a story then as like a nature documentary. I like seeing these two alchemists (they may as well be) work their magic.
Something I didn't like:
Like what Spirit said, there is a lot of context missing here. I don't know why Twilight and Starlight are doing this beyond scientific exploration, which... come on, author, there's gotta be a better reason than that. You can't just give me all this step-by-step science stuff and then deny it any kind of personal weight. To make things worse, it's not like the story was struggling with the word ceiling; on the contrary, it barely gets past the minimum, and that's a cardinal sin for me with mini rounds. Every word matters, and it seems like you deliberately chopped off a good portion of your story for... I'm not sure what reason, frankly.
Verdict: If there is any one entry that needs expansion, it's this one. It's an idea right now, but it can be so much more than that.
Something I liked:
Thinking back on the first time I read this entry, my memory of it is quite foggy. Blame that on me being tired and reading all the entries in one go, but the thing that stuck with me was the ending. If I were the author, I would take a lasso and get a tight hold of what this story is going for. Twilight using a timberwolf statue as a vessel to communicate with other timberwolves is such a creative use of magic, and the fact that the story spends so much time delving into the details of this magic makes it fascinating to read, if not as a story then as like a nature documentary. I like seeing these two alchemists (they may as well be) work their magic.
Something I didn't like:
Like what Spirit said, there is a lot of context missing here. I don't know why Twilight and Starlight are doing this beyond scientific exploration, which... come on, author, there's gotta be a better reason than that. You can't just give me all this step-by-step science stuff and then deny it any kind of personal weight. To make things worse, it's not like the story was struggling with the word ceiling; on the contrary, it barely gets past the minimum, and that's a cardinal sin for me with mini rounds. Every word matters, and it seems like you deliberately chopped off a good portion of your story for... I'm not sure what reason, frankly.
Verdict: If there is any one entry that needs expansion, it's this one. It's an idea right now, but it can be so much more than that.
Genre: Better Living Through Alchemy
Thoughts: Rarely have I encountered a Writeoff story that simultaneously trips my perimeter alarm for basic grammar & “telliness” issues, while also managing to be gripping & fascinating just below that surface. I mean, as much as I hate to say this, the story is in dire need of an editing pass, and much of the dialogue is either wooden or glossed-over by narration.
But but butt, I think the story manages to hold up a ton better than I’d expect given those issues. Once we start getting deeper into the ritual itself, the prose quality jumps noticeably, and it takes on a gripping and almost hypnotic quality. This is (to borrow a phrase from myself) capital-G Good. It’s one of the things that makes Top Contender entries stand out from merely Strong entries (by my reckoning).
In the end, I’m rather flummoxed trying to rank this. It’s got clear and visible roughness; it also cuts off just as the ritual is beginning to bear fruit, and it never tells us what the significance of it is in the end. But it’s also got some extremely good parts and a metric truckload of potential. I sincerely hope the Author continues to develop this, but even in its present state, I think it comes shockingly close to just working.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Rarely have I encountered a Writeoff story that simultaneously trips my perimeter alarm for basic grammar & “telliness” issues, while also managing to be gripping & fascinating just below that surface. I mean, as much as I hate to say this, the story is in dire need of an editing pass, and much of the dialogue is either wooden or glossed-over by narration.
But but butt, I think the story manages to hold up a ton better than I’d expect given those issues. Once we start getting deeper into the ritual itself, the prose quality jumps noticeably, and it takes on a gripping and almost hypnotic quality. This is (to borrow a phrase from myself) capital-G Good. It’s one of the things that makes Top Contender entries stand out from merely Strong entries (by my reckoning).
In the end, I’m rather flummoxed trying to rank this. It’s got clear and visible roughness; it also cuts off just as the ritual is beginning to bear fruit, and it never tells us what the significance of it is in the end. But it’s also got some extremely good parts and a metric truckload of potential. I sincerely hope the Author continues to develop this, but even in its present state, I think it comes shockingly close to just working.
Tier: Almost There
"I'm ready when you are Starlight," Twilight stated. Starlight retrieved a spell, now foreign to her, from the corner of her mind. To her displeasure, the necessary focus and level of power resurfaced effortlessly.
"Are you sure, Twilight? We can always find another way." Starlight replied skeptically.
I feel needlessly lost at this point. There's no reason to hide what's going on, but you do. It's frustrating. Not knowing what's going on yet, I'm not invested in the story.
You've got actor problems in this first paragraph. Twilight states, Starlight retrieves (from, I assume, Twilight's mind, but it's not clear), and then her displeasure is ambiguous in the final sentence. I don't know who is acting upon whom. Tidy up your paragraphs so we have one primary actor and pronouns have clear antecedents. For example, the third sentence could be rewritten to have Twilight be the subject like so: Twilight felt a pressure in her head as Starlight extracted a spell, leaving her with no memory of it.. "Leaving her" in this example re-establishes Twilight as the antecedent for the next sentence.
"Skeptically." If you have to use the word like this, you've failed. You haven't failed. The skepticism is already clear. You don't need to double-down on it by adding a superfluous modifier. It doesn't intensify the skepticism. If you want to make her sound more skeptical, adjust her dialogue.
Once the ingredients were added, Twilight filled the beaker half-way with filtered water from The Northern Luna Ocean. Once corked, she vigorously mixed the contents until a gooey dark-green liquid formed. An exhausted Starlight met her sight as she turned around. With mixture-in-hoof, Twilight made her way over to inquired about her well-being.
It was Starlight's turn to deflect, asking instead if Twilight was ready to finish the ritual. With an exhausted breath, she nodded. Uncorking the beaker, Twilight poured most of the mixture onto the statue. Setting aside the rest, she began to smear the mixture over every inch of it.
Use of tell like this just kills the story for me. I live for character interaction. Show me what they're doing. Put their speech directly onto the page, or use a line of exposition to skip forward in time to something interesting and don't mention the deflection/wellness narrative at all.
"Vigorously" is useless here. "Starlight met her sight" is an odd turn of phrase and Twilight should be the subject in this paragraph. "Inquired" is a typo. "Began" is unnecessary unless an action is interrupted.
The quality of prose continues like this throughout the story. I scrolled down midway, picked a random paragraph, and grabbed the next one to go with it. If you'd like, I can review the prose with you in more detail after the contest. It detracts bigly as-is. Simplify your prose so your story and ideas can come to the surface.
However, she soon got the hang of walking. According to Twilight's hypothesis, the words spoken by her were translated into the proper lingual of the Timberwolves. Eager to gather data, Twilight maneuvered the statue out of the basement and into the Forbidden Forest.
Doesn't really feel like an ending. Look at how the Cheese Sandwich story ends. In your case, I might go for something like "Twilight shivered as the forest closed around her, but she opened relations with the Timberwolves." That is, show what she's doing directly and what the ultimate outcome is.
I don't think "lingual" means what you think it does.
Overall, this story fell flat for me because of the prose, which is a shame because I think the story was interesting.
I like the premise, and most of the execution. It definitely needs an editing pass or two. There are a few sentence structure and use of tenses mistakes that broke up my reading of an otherwise intriguing story.
I agree that even a sentence or two more about what happened to bring the characters to such a dangerous and exhausting ritual are in order. Was somepony killed? Have the Timberwolves been attacking Ponyville without reason? Or did they notice something that lead them to believe that the Timberwolves are more than just wild animals? Even just hints at these things keep us from wondering why Twilight is willing to risk so much.
I think it’s fine to end the way it does, as the lack of resolution shows her going off into uncharted territory.
I liked this, it just needs to be polished up a bit.
I agree that even a sentence or two more about what happened to bring the characters to such a dangerous and exhausting ritual are in order. Was somepony killed? Have the Timberwolves been attacking Ponyville without reason? Or did they notice something that lead them to believe that the Timberwolves are more than just wild animals? Even just hints at these things keep us from wondering why Twilight is willing to risk so much.
I think it’s fine to end the way it does, as the lack of resolution shows her going off into uncharted territory.
I liked this, it just needs to be polished up a bit.
So first off, I think what Lofty said is really helpful. It may be harsh advice, but it is solid advice. Adding on to what he said, I think there are much better ways to show difficulty rather than saying "due to the x".
I'd also like to have understood the conflict of the story much earlier, because for the majority of the story I was confused as to what was going on. I'd also like some more insight as to why exactly they're trying to communicate with timberwolves. I think I'd also like a little more insight into Starlight's inner conflict to casting the spell; the problem with casting it again actually isn't very clear-cut to me.
Something else I found a little out of place was the level of detail put into constructing the potion. It was fascinating, sure, but I feel like something that specific would also require the rest of the story to be a little more technical. I did think it was really creative, though, and I did like the general idea of making a sort of golem.
So overall, there's a lot of fantasy potential in this one to be had, and I think it could definitely achieve it with some good editing and more words. Thanks for the entry, anon!
I'd also like to have understood the conflict of the story much earlier, because for the majority of the story I was confused as to what was going on. I'd also like some more insight as to why exactly they're trying to communicate with timberwolves. I think I'd also like a little more insight into Starlight's inner conflict to casting the spell; the problem with casting it again actually isn't very clear-cut to me.
Something else I found a little out of place was the level of detail put into constructing the potion. It was fascinating, sure, but I feel like something that specific would also require the rest of the story to be a little more technical. I did think it was really creative, though, and I did like the general idea of making a sort of golem.
So overall, there's a lot of fantasy potential in this one to be had, and I think it could definitely achieve it with some good editing and more words. Thanks for the entry, anon!
I think I struggled while reading a bit because perspective seemed to switch between Twilight and Starlight, and the mingling of actions from both in the same paragraphs didn't help.
As for what's going on in the story, I really like it. I don't think some extra context is needed. We get enough of an idea that there is a problem that this strange, maybe dangerous, magic is being used to solve, and we can assume it's related to the timberwolves. There's just enough information about the rituals going on to give us an idea of what's being done, but I do think some more couldn't hurt.
Overall, very interesting, but I think it does need some work to clean it up.
As for what's going on in the story, I really like it. I don't think some extra context is needed. We get enough of an idea that there is a problem that this strange, maybe dangerous, magic is being used to solve, and we can assume it's related to the timberwolves. There's just enough information about the rituals going on to give us an idea of what's being done, but I do think some more couldn't hurt.
Overall, very interesting, but I think it does need some work to clean it up.