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Uncharted Territory · Friendship is Short Shorts Short Short ·
Organised by CoffeeMinion
Word limit 750–1250
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Forever
Captain Klondike pulled the top of his parka back from his olive-drab head, and wiped the sweat from his brow with one forehoof. His gray mane blew in the high altitude winds. Replacing the hood, he adjusted his glare visor and surveyed the area beyond the ridge he and his team had just scaled.

The mid-afternoon sun left little to the imagination when observing the breathtaking terrain. From this vantage, atop the highest peak in the snow-covered mountain range, the view continued out into the infinity of the great white north. When he told one of the pegasi to take off, he would have to remind them not to rush; even a minor injury out here could be fatal. Though... it would be a beauty way to go.

“Magnificent,” Klondike said as he took in the landscape. “Sergeant Hail!”

“Yes Sir,” the arctic-blue pegasus stallion said with a hearty salute.

“Scout the descent,” Klondike ordered. “We don’t need any injuries this far out from the empire.”

“I know Sir,” Hail said. “If somepony gets hurt this far out, it’d take days to get them back to the nearest outpost, even by emergency chariot.” He unconsciously looked to his saddlebags to make sure that the piece of collapsible survival gear was still securely stowed.

“Yes,” Klondike said. “That goes for you too; safety first. I’d hate to have to turn us back on account of a preventable accident.”

“Of course Sir,” Hail said with a salute. He then double checked his saddlebags, his cold-weather gear, his goggles, and launched into the brisk breeze.

Smiling, Klondike watched as Hail advanced down the mountainside. He then turned his head back to the others. “Sergeant Tundra, Sergeant Frost!”

The two mares approached.

“Sir,” Tundra saluted. Her thick clothing covered all of her normal evergreen coloration, but her deep earth pony voice was unmistakable.

“Sir,” Frost lilted in a merry tone. She had foregone the customary cold-weather gear in favor of her own protective unicorn enchantments. With white fur and mane, she almost completely blended into their surroundings. Only her glacier-blue eyes stood out against the snow.

“Have a look ladies,” Klondike said. “Best view you’ve ever seen.” He waited as they took positions to either side of him and watched them as they absorbed the stunning sights.

“Imagine it,” Klondike said. “The two-dozen of us are the first ponies to travel this far!” He couldn’t keep the smile from his muzzle, not that they could see it through his scarf. “They’ll write about us in history books for sure!”

“No doubt,” Tundra said with confidence.

“Oh,” Frost chimed in, “I hope they get a picture of all of us afterwards!” She grabbed the two in a big hug. “We’ve all become such close friends these last few weeks, and I want everypony in Equestria to know when we return!”

Chuckling, Klondike returned the hug. “C’mon ladies,” he said. Let’s get the others up here so that they can get a look. Everypony on this expedition has earned a look at this resplendence.”




Sergeant Hail’s hood was missing. His parka’s fabric only reached to his neck, a ragged line flapping against his fur, which was several shades more white than normal.

Extreme injury, with likely internal bleeding, will do that to a pony.

“Come on Frost!” he shouted at the half-frozen Unicorn. “We’re already halfway up the ridge. We just need to get to the top. Then we’re home free!”

“Hail,” Frost said in a tone of dejected hopelessness, “we both know that’s a lie.” She leaned against a large icy boulder. “If we make it, if I can send a magical signal, it’ll take them a week to get to us.”

Hail shook his head. “No,” he said forcefully. “We can’t think like that. We’ll get back, we have to tell everypony!”

“Tell them what?!” Frost shrieked. “They’ll think we’re insane! Can you even explain what happened? I can’t!” She hugged herself tightly. “Maybe we have gone insane...”

“I saw Klondike when he came back,” Hail said. “He kept saying that it was so beautiful. His eyes... they were like when we reached this summit, only they were more... intense. When Drift said she needed a minute—” He covered his eyes with his hooves in a futile attempt to block out the imagery.

“He came at her with the shovel,” Frost said, her tone of voice as dead as Drift when she hit the snow. “And the others who went—”

“We need to go,” Hail said. “If any of the others are still after us—”

“You’re right,” Frost said as she immediately straightened. “But.” Her voice had changed into a more fearful tone. “How’s your wing?”

Hail flinched at the reminder. He looked back at the splint attached to his bandaged left wing. “Still hurts,” he said. “Tundra hit it pretty hard.” Seeing the fear on Frost’s face, he tried to smile. “Don’t worry. I won’t leave you here.” He patted one of his saddlebags. “I still have the emergency chariot. Once we reach the summit, the next mountain over is much lower in altitude. I can try to glide us to it even if my wing isn’t one hundred percent.”

The declaration was enough to motivate Frost into action again.

It took the two ponies two grueling hours to trudge to the top of the peak. They took a moment to look back over the lands that had so recently captivated them with its sublime scenery. Their only feelings now were of heartbreak and horror.

Hail opened his saddlebag and withdrew the parcel within. One tug on the red grip and it magically unfolded into a harness and attached chariot. He undid the splint and grimaced as he stretched the sprained limb out. “Oh, that hurts,” he said. “Hop in.”

As Hail strapped himself in, and Frost moved to the rear of the chariot, she looked back. “What will we tell them?” she asked.

“Some places,” Hail said, “are better left uncharted.”
« Prev   4   Next »
#1 · 1
· · >>Moosetasm
“Come on Frost!”


Let's not.
#2 · 1
·
I promise you I'm not just saying this: the story here is beautifully gripping! Overall, there's just the right amount of description and character interaction to paint a nice picture. At which point, there's more than plenty of immersive elements, even with the time skip--which was nicely transitioned to. There's just enough open ends for the audience to tie, yet there remains a yearning to see how the expedition played out. This looked like it was fun to write, so personally I would definitely look forward to you possibly filling in the blanks later on!

In terms of change, all I can think of is the beginning dialogue. Instead of Klondike giving Hail an order to scout, Hail could advise Klondike that he should scout the descent, and then give his explanation as to why. Klondike could then agree, and double down on the sentiment of safety. This could serve as a more thorough yet subtle way of establishing Hail as a main character. My line of logic: the ponies depicted appear to be very close despite holding certain ranks in relation to each other. I think it's safe to say the main cast is like family, right? In which case, Hail might have more than enough room to give suggestions on their expedition.

Hopefully that makes sense, and isn't too long-winded! Either way, it's still very immersive and encourages the reader to use their imagination. Great job on this! I loved it!
#3 · 4
·
This is probably one of the rockier entries from our current batch here, with the aspects I like and the aspects I didn't like split evenly into both halves as with how this entry presented itself. As per usual with my reviews, there's a fair bit that I'm going to dive into here, mostly because I think the central idea of this entry's a rather nice one. I just think that most of its flaws come directly from the execution itself, particularly in the latter half.

In the first half, we have a team of explorers scouting out what I believe is the Frozen North, which in of itself delivers on the whole prompt relevance front. We're given a look at their camaraderie in the beginning and the scene ends on a hopeful, aspirational note. A quick cut later, we're being given the aftermath of an encounter with something Lovecraftian, one that drove most of the team mad save for Hail and Frost, who are now being pursued by the team and are trying to escape from these mountains.

When I break down the story like this and look at it, the whole thing's actually rather spectacular. For a story at a thousand words, the remaining two hundred and fifty notwithstanding, there's really a lot going on, yet pacing-wise it doesn't feel as rushed as many of the other entries here, which I find a bit impressive. The forwardness of the prose definitely helped with letting everything glide along.

Where I think this story really shone was definitely the characterization. The dialogue happening in the first half was lively and immediately convinced me to sympathize and root for them. By the time Klondike was done with showing Tundra and Frost the view, I was hooked. I really wanted to know what's about to happen and I was on board with whatever that came next.

That's about all the stuff I liked about this entry, all in the first half.

The second half is where things really began to fall apart.

Now, I want to make it clear that I don't believe it's the fault of the scene itself that hindered my enjoyment with this story. In fact, I can definitely still see clearly the stark contrast that these two scenes were supposed to be presenting when pitted against one another. I also don't think that we need to really see the horror of everything happening for this story to really shine. The problem, as per usual, lies in the execution of the second scene, of which there's a couple I found that, when they're put together, really dragged the story through the dirt.

The first was definitely the notion that the transition could be a lot smoother. We're left off with Klondike giving praise to the beauty of the landscape in the first scene but the second scene we're suddenly given a somber look into Hail's condition in the aftermath of an attack. I can't really reconcile the imagery of both sections side by side in my head no matter how hard I try. Maybe if we're being lead into this second scene before being abruptly tossed into it, the dread I think we're supposed to be feeling would then properly sink in.

The second and most glaring of the issues was the tone, in that the atmosphere we're being presented lacked the doom and gloom that the story seems to be indicating towards. Throughout this whole scene, we're being told what's happening, yet we're not being shown how it's all happening. What does 'a tone of dejected hopelessness' sound like? What was the imagery that Hail found so disturbing that he had to physically cover his eyes to block it out? It's these little details that I think, if expounded, would do wonders for this entry.

On that topic, I should admit that the simile 'as dead as Drift when she hit the snow' kinda had the opposite effect on me, though not as bad as the last line of the entry. As much as I appreciate the attempt of trying to incorporate the prompt into the story, that last line was too ridiculous for me to really take seriously, especially since it's the line that closes off the story.

Thirdly⁠—and this one ties back to the tone as well⁠—the prose. I know I praised how it was utilized in the first scene, but in the second scene, the circumstances have changed. The atmosphere has shifted dramatically. Where the simplicity of the prose worked in the scene where everyone's still bright and hopeful, here it comes across as negligent of the weight of the horror that both Hail and Frost are going through. Really, I think there needs to be a lot more detail into the second scene for us to really immerse ourselves into the hell that our pair of survivors are experiencing.

Last but not least, the dialogue. The delivery of both our characters here fell flat for me, unfortunately, which is a shame when I consider the vivacity it had going for it in the first scene. When I read them, I felt as though you didn't really delve properly into the emotions both Hail and Frost were going through in that scene compared to the earlier one. At one point, I even found myself beginning to think that the dialogue's only really there to explain away all that had happened, which is not a mistake, far from it. I just think that in doing so, it didn't allow the character's a chance to breathe for the sake of finishing off the story, which is always a big no-no in my book.

Ultimately, I liked what this entry stands for. In fact, I actually found it endearing, especially since I'm working on a super-long ponyfic involving something a bit similar, with my story's expedition being about the ocean instead of the mountains. The ideas presented here are definitely something a longer story could do justice, but as it stands currently, especially with the second half being the way it is right now, I can't say it's something that'll rank highly on my slate.

Nevertheless, thanks for writing, and good luck!
#4 · 2
·
So just like WritingSpirit, I liked the first half of this entry. You did a great job of introducing OCs in such a short word count, and it was easy picturing the situation they were in. The dialogue was incredibly believable, and I found myself sharing the atmosphere of confidence that the adventurers were feeling. Despite that though, I did get a sense of foreboding, even if the text didn't convey it. Captain Klondike's situation reminded me a lot like Robert Falcon Scott's journey to the center of Antarctica, which obviously ended in disaster, so I expected something like that to happen within this story.

So when the second half of the story hit, that's what I was expecting in the first couple of paragraphs, too. Then all of a sudden there's the horror bit, which threw me for a loop. So I think that there could have been a much better transition, at the very least with some foreshadowing thrown in. That way, when the horror sinks in, the reader goes "oh shoot, there it is" rather than "wait, what happened?" And yeah, definitely needs some more work on show, not tell, as Spirit also mentioned. And maybe some work on the final line as well :^)

So overall, I think this story is good, but has a lot more potential with an edit. Thanks for the entry, anon!
#5 · 1
·
I agree with the previous two comments, from Writing Spirit and Moonshot. The first part is fluid and full of wonder and hope, but then there’s a jarring transition into part two, which feels maybe a little rushed. The feghoot (is it a feghoot if it’s not a pun/joke?) also didn’t sell me, and seems a little shoehorned in there.

As far as recommendations, I think you might be able to try a sort of mirror style for execution in the second half. For example, Klondike starts the first section by pulling back his parka and wiping his forehead. Do something like starting section two the same way, where Hail goes to pull back his parka to wipe his forehead, only to realize the hood has already been torn off. Then he looks up at the steep ascent that he has to make, which would contrast with Klondike already having made it to the top. Easing into it like this gives the reader an indication of something wrong without the sudden earth shattering kaboom.

But I do love the potential. And I do love me some Lovecraft style horror. You just need to do a little work on the second part.
#6 · 1
·
Genre: (Power Will) Live To Fight Another Day

Thoughts: Ooo, this one’s interesting; the focal point of this story ends up being a part of the story that isn’t in the story at all. We get a tremendous leap from scene one to scene two, with the foundations of a large OC cast and a picturesque frontier being sacrificed upon the altar of... Pony-Cthulhu? I’m getting shades of Pony-Cthulhu here.

What I like about this is that everything’s very vivid. The cast introductions are all delivered quickly and adequately for the space; Captain Klondike is an attention-grabbing name, and Frost’s bubbly nature & decision to eschew conventional gear make her memorable while also setting up for the bad stuff to come. (Definite bonus points for going all-OCs and making that work, BTW.) After the jump, things are tense and visceral... except inasmuch as the story has to recap the missing chunk in the middle. But I definitely get the senses of urgency and danger that our surviving heroes are left with.

I have a big but(t) coming here, which I actually arrived at by reflecting on the opening section.

As I was going through the opener, it stood out to me that the story spends kind of a long time making the point in multiple ways that an injury out there would be fatal. This actually pairs well with the recap dialogue in the second scene, where our heroes on the run have to pause and tell us of the horrors that occurred. Where I’m going with this is that the story ends up having to spend time leaning really hard on both foreshadowing and recap given the absent middle section that might let the tension build and characters fall into madness more gradually. That’s ultimately just less satisfying than letting us see it all play out.

I think what’s here works. It’s very technically clean, and it manages to tell a mostly complete story. I also have a lot of confidence based on what’s already here that the Author can flesh out that middle section and make this shine all the way. But it’s very much headed in the right direction.

Oh yeah. One last thing—
it would be a beauty way to go.

Author... just take off, you hoser.

Tier: Almost There
#7 · 1
·
I really enjoyed the introduction here. All of the OCs feel fairly well-realized for how little time we have with them. I do think, though, that despite the second scene being as it because of a gap of anything else happening, that you could do a LOT more by expanding this. I think the unsettling bits come from not knowing what exactly happened, other than ponies going crazy over something they saw, but if you control the viewpoint character in clever ways throughout, you could have some more unsettling bits of when Klondike and the others go crazy, and have the changes appear sudden to the other characters.

As it is, I'm left feeling like it hasn't met its full potential, despite enjoying the sudden reveal that things didn't go as well as they hoped in the beginning.
#8 · 1
· · >>No_Raisin
>>No_Raisin
How come I don’t get an actual review?
#9 · 1
· · >>Moosetasm
>>Moosetasm
I legitimately wasn't sure what to say about it, and unfortunately I never got around to doing a real review. :(
#10 · 1
·
>>No_Raisin
Oh, ok, lol as long as it wasn’t because it was “that bad.”