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When Snouts Collide
It’s a moment in time like any other. But some of the important moments seem to last, every detail perceivable, slowed as if the air had turned to thick syrup.
Here, in the library room of Twilight’s castle, one of the windows has burst. Diamonds of green glass hang in the air, spinning and shimmering with flashes of light as the panes part at their seams and expand into the room like seeds flying from a dandelion puff. Beams of sunlight play over the high ceiling and the tall bookshelves and the reading tables and the purple stone floor, giving the brief appearance of a dance party to an area that is perhaps the least appropriate place to hold such an event.
In the center is the instigator, a Pegasus who loves to go very fast, but who sometimes doesn’t brake as hard as she should. As she crashed through the window she altered her course, and she is now pointed towards a reading table, some stray blue feathers clouding around her like loose petals, her ragged hair streaming back in spikes of wild color.
At the table below is a young Alicorn who loves to study very much, but who sometimes is oblivious to events around her. But the crunch of the separating panes and the spangles of dancing light on her book have roused her from her enraptured state, and she’s in the act of turning around in shock as she lets go of her book and the pages start to flip over, losing her place. Her head moves slowly, just as an oncoming train may inexorably approach in a dream.
The Alicorn has often wondered, lying awake at night, whose lips will be the very first to touch hers. It’s a problem that has concerned her more as she has risen to a position of power and trust and seems set to eventually inherit the reins from the Diarchs. She has spent endless nights studying genealogical volumes and drawing charts, as any choice she makes may affect the state of the realm for millennia to come. She has bided her time, knowing there’s plenty of green grass out there in the meadow, but still the thoughts keep coming back to her as she watches the silvery clouds sail across the sky on starry nights.
The Pegasus has been around the block a few times and knows how the wind blows. She’s used to being direct about what she wants, but she’s been holding back in the present case. She had seen the Alicorn reading a romance novel, so she checked it out and read it herself to learn what the Alicorn might find attractive. It was full of mushy glop that made her nose wrinkle, but she had gathered that a subtle approach was needed.
With that in mind, she’d been arranging the weather outside the Alicorn’s window for a month now, putting sunbeams overhead at dawn and pretty clouds in the night skies, with no results. So this morning, after oversleeping as usual, she’d decided that subtlety was getting nowhere, so it was back to being direct. She’d run a comb quickly through her mane and flew off at top speed; there was no point in waiting any longer.
And now here she is, bursting through the window like another impossibly slow train on the same track, and she’s just about to say something as she closes in with a cloud of twinkling panes and feathers whirling about her, and the Alicorn is turning her head at what she would later calculate was the precise rate of speed needed to ensure that the event happened. As the Pegasus closes in with her lips slightly parted and the Alicorn turns and is about to exclaim something in shock, their eyes meet and there’s a flash of mutual comprehension. And in that glacially slow instant that lasts just exactly as long as it needs to, that moment just before the irresistible force hits the immobile object, before all the crashing and chaos and flying papers and mingled feathers and the years of love and laughter in the future…
Their lips meet for the very first time.
Here, in the library room of Twilight’s castle, one of the windows has burst. Diamonds of green glass hang in the air, spinning and shimmering with flashes of light as the panes part at their seams and expand into the room like seeds flying from a dandelion puff. Beams of sunlight play over the high ceiling and the tall bookshelves and the reading tables and the purple stone floor, giving the brief appearance of a dance party to an area that is perhaps the least appropriate place to hold such an event.
In the center is the instigator, a Pegasus who loves to go very fast, but who sometimes doesn’t brake as hard as she should. As she crashed through the window she altered her course, and she is now pointed towards a reading table, some stray blue feathers clouding around her like loose petals, her ragged hair streaming back in spikes of wild color.
At the table below is a young Alicorn who loves to study very much, but who sometimes is oblivious to events around her. But the crunch of the separating panes and the spangles of dancing light on her book have roused her from her enraptured state, and she’s in the act of turning around in shock as she lets go of her book and the pages start to flip over, losing her place. Her head moves slowly, just as an oncoming train may inexorably approach in a dream.
The Alicorn has often wondered, lying awake at night, whose lips will be the very first to touch hers. It’s a problem that has concerned her more as she has risen to a position of power and trust and seems set to eventually inherit the reins from the Diarchs. She has spent endless nights studying genealogical volumes and drawing charts, as any choice she makes may affect the state of the realm for millennia to come. She has bided her time, knowing there’s plenty of green grass out there in the meadow, but still the thoughts keep coming back to her as she watches the silvery clouds sail across the sky on starry nights.
The Pegasus has been around the block a few times and knows how the wind blows. She’s used to being direct about what she wants, but she’s been holding back in the present case. She had seen the Alicorn reading a romance novel, so she checked it out and read it herself to learn what the Alicorn might find attractive. It was full of mushy glop that made her nose wrinkle, but she had gathered that a subtle approach was needed.
With that in mind, she’d been arranging the weather outside the Alicorn’s window for a month now, putting sunbeams overhead at dawn and pretty clouds in the night skies, with no results. So this morning, after oversleeping as usual, she’d decided that subtlety was getting nowhere, so it was back to being direct. She’d run a comb quickly through her mane and flew off at top speed; there was no point in waiting any longer.
And now here she is, bursting through the window like another impossibly slow train on the same track, and she’s just about to say something as she closes in with a cloud of twinkling panes and feathers whirling about her, and the Alicorn is turning her head at what she would later calculate was the precise rate of speed needed to ensure that the event happened. As the Pegasus closes in with her lips slightly parted and the Alicorn turns and is about to exclaim something in shock, their eyes meet and there’s a flash of mutual comprehension. And in that glacially slow instant that lasts just exactly as long as it needs to, that moment just before the irresistible force hits the immobile object, before all the crashing and chaos and flying papers and mingled feathers and the years of love and laughter in the future…
Their lips meet for the very first time.
This piece does an excellent job with its prose, IMO. You've managed to put in a lot of visual details and a lot of high-level information without feeling overly purple. It reads easily and it holds on to my attention despite 80% of it being nothing but description, which is pretty impressive to me.
In terms of ultimate payoff, I will have to mention that I have the same feelings towards this piece that I do towards a lot of shipping pieces (especially minifics), which is that the romance doesn't quite feel all the way earned. This wasn't as big a deal to me on Dash's side, because you made it clear that this was a pre-existing tension for her, so I was kind of able to hand-wave the exact reasons why she fell in love with Twilight. But on Twilight's end of the deal, her introductory paragraph makes it clear that she does not have any pre-existing feelings for Dash. So the fact that there's "mutual comprehension" before their kiss feels a little out of the blue for me.
So I think my only suggestion would be to make it a bit clearer that Twilight isn't involuntarily mashing face with Dash, here. I get that the idea is that Dash is the initiator, and that Twilight's own feelings are much murkier than Dash's, but as it is right now, it feels like Twilight is entirely reactionary, which makes her end of the romance feel weak.
Still, my nitpicks with Twilight's motivations aside, this is a pretty fun piece, so thank you for submitting it!
In terms of ultimate payoff, I will have to mention that I have the same feelings towards this piece that I do towards a lot of shipping pieces (especially minifics), which is that the romance doesn't quite feel all the way earned. This wasn't as big a deal to me on Dash's side, because you made it clear that this was a pre-existing tension for her, so I was kind of able to hand-wave the exact reasons why she fell in love with Twilight. But on Twilight's end of the deal, her introductory paragraph makes it clear that she does not have any pre-existing feelings for Dash. So the fact that there's "mutual comprehension" before their kiss feels a little out of the blue for me.
So I think my only suggestion would be to make it a bit clearer that Twilight isn't involuntarily mashing face with Dash, here. I get that the idea is that Dash is the initiator, and that Twilight's own feelings are much murkier than Dash's, but as it is right now, it feels like Twilight is entirely reactionary, which makes her end of the romance feel weak.
Still, my nitpicks with Twilight's motivations aside, this is a pretty fun piece, so thank you for submitting it!
So... did Dash kiss Twilight without her consent?
Something I liked:
Goddamnit, author. You thought you could get away with writing an entry with very little plot and very little character, so long as you made sure the prose was pretty as hell. And guess what, you were right. As much as I can only like this entry from a distance (I'll get into that), I can't deny that happened here was basically prose poetry. The use of imagery, of the way in which time seemed to stand still in this one moment simply because of the written word, yes. I've been thinking about time a lot, and how time can be conveyed and manipulated in various ways in various mediums, and this is one of only two entries this round that made me think about how the right prose can actually make time seem to slow down.
Something I didn't liked:
That's not to say the prose is flawless; in fact there're a few things here that bug me. First and foremost is the names, or rather the lack of names. Twilight gets called by name once; I don't think Dash ever gets called by name. Yet we all know who these two characters are supposed to be, so why is the text being so coy about their identities? It's like Lavender Unicorn Syndrome to the extreme, and I don't like it. I also don't like the mixing of perspectives, and how it's honestly hard to figure out what these characters are thinking; Twilight is especially a victim of this.
Verdict: A lovingly written story that unfortunately leaves me emotionally cold. Still good, though.
Something I liked:
Goddamnit, author. You thought you could get away with writing an entry with very little plot and very little character, so long as you made sure the prose was pretty as hell. And guess what, you were right. As much as I can only like this entry from a distance (I'll get into that), I can't deny that happened here was basically prose poetry. The use of imagery, of the way in which time seemed to stand still in this one moment simply because of the written word, yes. I've been thinking about time a lot, and how time can be conveyed and manipulated in various ways in various mediums, and this is one of only two entries this round that made me think about how the right prose can actually make time seem to slow down.
Something I didn't liked:
That's not to say the prose is flawless; in fact there're a few things here that bug me. First and foremost is the names, or rather the lack of names. Twilight gets called by name once; I don't think Dash ever gets called by name. Yet we all know who these two characters are supposed to be, so why is the text being so coy about their identities? It's like Lavender Unicorn Syndrome to the extreme, and I don't like it. I also don't like the mixing of perspectives, and how it's honestly hard to figure out what these characters are thinking; Twilight is especially a victim of this.
Verdict: A lovingly written story that unfortunately leaves me emotionally cold. Still good, though.
I have to be honest, I did not feel much of the emotional impact that the author was probably going for here. Maybe it was the changing POVs, or the fact that I saw where it was going pretty quickly. But it kind of bounced off of me in the end (RD however did not bounce off Twi so much as smooch tackle her)
That said, the prose is very well done and has great imagery throughout. Flows well and balances the 'flowery' aspect pretty well.
That said, the prose is very well done and has great imagery throughout. Flows well and balances the 'flowery' aspect pretty well.
Initially I thought this was going to be comedy. It didn't hit feels territory for me until "the years", but that peek ahead packed a big punch for me and recast the entire encounter, which is why I like this story. If there were some way to create that effect earlier, it might change the tone of the piece for the better.
Unlike >>No_Raisin I was fine with you being coy about the names, but I agree that it was a mistake to use the phrase "Twilight's castle" if you're not going to refer to Twilight by name afterwards.
I don't agree with >>Bachiavellian in that I did not read this as Dash trying to smooch Twilight, and in fact I sort of read the opposite: there was some disclarity for me with the line "what she would later calculate was the precise rate of speed needed to ensure that the event happened". The problem is that while "calculate" indicates Twilight, if the rate of speed was precise that suggests intent over coincidence, which implies that maybe Dash was later realizing that Twilight intentionally moved her head at just the right time because Twilight herself wanted the smooch. I'd add "coincidentally" in there to make it clear that you're describing kismet (which is the theme I got from the story).
I somewhat prefer "muzzle" to "snout". The latter is rarely used with horses and sounds a bit piggish. However, the crudeness of "snout" reinforces the brutish and chaotic nature of the piece, so it isn't a bad choice.
Unlike >>No_Raisin I was fine with you being coy about the names, but I agree that it was a mistake to use the phrase "Twilight's castle" if you're not going to refer to Twilight by name afterwards.
I don't agree with >>Bachiavellian in that I did not read this as Dash trying to smooch Twilight, and in fact I sort of read the opposite: there was some disclarity for me with the line "what she would later calculate was the precise rate of speed needed to ensure that the event happened". The problem is that while "calculate" indicates Twilight, if the rate of speed was precise that suggests intent over coincidence, which implies that maybe Dash was later realizing that Twilight intentionally moved her head at just the right time because Twilight herself wanted the smooch. I'd add "coincidentally" in there to make it clear that you're describing kismet (which is the theme I got from the story).
I somewhat prefer "muzzle" to "snout". The latter is rarely used with horses and sounds a bit piggish. However, the crudeness of "snout" reinforces the brutish and chaotic nature of the piece, so it isn't a bad choice.
So close! So close, but it doesn't quite accomplish everything it could have.
So there is some great work in working on description, and in broad (and medium-thickness) strokes the emotional setup with the characters is well-formed. Nothing can take away from that, and will probably put this medium-high on my slate.
However...
The 'mutual comprehension' line doesn't seem to fit with what was established about Twilight's thoughts on things. Not saying it can't be plausible, but it doesn't align well with the rest of the text. Related, there is the point about lacking consent, and, depending on how the dichotomy above is handled, the fallout could be interesting; it is also something worth being mindful of while writing (even if it is disregarded in-story).
But what really gets my china cracking is that the descriptions aren't milked for all they are worth. Turn the air to syrup! Make the glass fragments actual diamond dandelion seeds! Make the room a party frozen by light! Vault thefornicationceilings! Let the bookcases tower or loom or hush!
Dig into the characters, and make them vibrant and alive in the past as well as the present, painted with vivid nowness on the glacial present and immovable past.
Polish each little scene-moment to a glow. It's waiting.
So there is some great work in working on description, and in broad (and medium-thickness) strokes the emotional setup with the characters is well-formed. Nothing can take away from that, and will probably put this medium-high on my slate.
However...
The 'mutual comprehension' line doesn't seem to fit with what was established about Twilight's thoughts on things. Not saying it can't be plausible, but it doesn't align well with the rest of the text. Related, there is the point about lacking consent, and, depending on how the dichotomy above is handled, the fallout could be interesting; it is also something worth being mindful of while writing (even if it is disregarded in-story).
But what really gets my china cracking is that the descriptions aren't milked for all they are worth. Turn the air to syrup! Make the glass fragments actual diamond dandelion seeds! Make the room a party frozen by light! Vault the
Dig into the characters, and make them vibrant and alive in the past as well as the present, painted with vivid nowness on the glacial present and immovable past.
Polish each little scene-moment to a glow. It's waiting.
Very nice:
In some writing course I took during my college days more than three decades ago, the professor talked about pacing with an example very much like this, nothing but plain ol' words thickening time till it crawled like molasses. I enjoyed it then, and I enjoy it here and now, too.
It could use some polishing as other folks have said. I personally would prefer that this be an actual accident, that Dash has resigned herself to doing things slow because she thinks Twilight wants things slow, but one of her usual training spin-outs sends her careening in through the window toward her Meeting with Destiny. I'd also like more of Twilight's thoughts--have her notice how romantic the weather's been lately and have her put everything together in the instant we're observing here. But, hey. you've gotta expand it to at least 1,000 words to post it on FimFiction. right? :)
Mike
In some writing course I took during my college days more than three decades ago, the professor talked about pacing with an example very much like this, nothing but plain ol' words thickening time till it crawled like molasses. I enjoyed it then, and I enjoy it here and now, too.
It could use some polishing as other folks have said. I personally would prefer that this be an actual accident, that Dash has resigned herself to doing things slow because she thinks Twilight wants things slow, but one of her usual training spin-outs sends her careening in through the window toward her Meeting with Destiny. I'd also like more of Twilight's thoughts--have her notice how romantic the weather's been lately and have her put everything together in the instant we're observing here. But, hey. you've gotta expand it to at least 1,000 words to post it on FimFiction. right? :)
Mike
This one is my favourite.
I've been experimenting with omniscient narration and wondering if it could be done effectively (and to my tastes) in a minific, and I decided that it couldn't and that I shouldn't try. And then you went and did it.
Really my only suggestion is to just use the characters' names. Calling them by their race adds a weird cheekiness to the narrator when they're better suited to being the least opinionated they can be.
Thanks for writing!
I've been experimenting with omniscient narration and wondering if it could be done effectively (and to my tastes) in a minific, and I decided that it couldn't and that I shouldn't try. And then you went and did it.
Really my only suggestion is to just use the characters' names. Calling them by their race adds a weird cheekiness to the narrator when they're better suited to being the least opinionated they can be.
Thanks for writing!
Genre: OKAY JUST STOP YOU’RE THE BETTER WRITER, GOSH
Thoughts: I was going to abstain on this one because I really don’t feel like it earns the “years” line at the end. I came back to it to make sure that I was certain of my decision. Then the overwhelming descriptive writing in the rest of the story made me realize that it’d be unreasonable to not upvote this solely because I had a quibblePants with the end. So here we are.
Author, I feel that the story’s strength lies in how it takes a frozen moment in time and writes the absolute heck out of it. I also feel that it jeopardizes said strength by suddenly reaching for a “happily ever after” at the end. Others have asked if this is an unwilling kiss; I’m not picking up on that vibe (and its unfortunate implications) myself. But what I do feel is that the ship isn’t adequately built up to justify years of happiness thereafter. Sure, Dash is into Twilight; but Twilight is presented as being uncertain what (or who) she wants. Like, the story spends time establishing that and not establishing even fleeting interest in Dash. If you want to end with happily ever after, I need some help seeing that Twilight is going to be down for this.
But let’s be honest, this is amazing writing, and it should be recognized as such.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: I was going to abstain on this one because I really don’t feel like it earns the “years” line at the end. I came back to it to make sure that I was certain of my decision. Then the overwhelming descriptive writing in the rest of the story made me realize that it’d be unreasonable to not upvote this solely because I had a quibble
Author, I feel that the story’s strength lies in how it takes a frozen moment in time and writes the absolute heck out of it. I also feel that it jeopardizes said strength by suddenly reaching for a “happily ever after” at the end. Others have asked if this is an unwilling kiss; I’m not picking up on that vibe (and its unfortunate implications) myself. But what I do feel is that the ship isn’t adequately built up to justify years of happiness thereafter. Sure, Dash is into Twilight; but Twilight is presented as being uncertain what (or who) she wants. Like, the story spends time establishing that and not establishing even fleeting interest in Dash. If you want to end with happily ever after, I need some help seeing that Twilight is going to be down for this.
But let’s be honest, this is amazing writing, and it should be recognized as such.
Tier: Top Contender
As mentioned by everybody else before me, the prose is definitely the big highlight of this entry here. You've taken a small scene, stretched it for as long as the word count would allow and really just going all out with it here. I would say though, as much as I like my prose purpler than our friendly neighborhood 𝓐𝓛𝓘𝓒𝓞𝓡𝓝 here, I'd also like a bit of consistency with the imagery being dished out. You know, maybe have the imagery adhere to a certain theme that helps embellish the idea of the scene here. I do like it as it is, don't get me wrong, I think the Pollockian approach to the imagery does have its own charm. I just think that with how layered and thick the prose is pacing-wise, it'll be nice if we're given something more harmonious, more vibrant and more cohesive for it to really stick to the back of our minds.
Other than that, I like what's going on here. It's a little skeletal if you take away all the prose, even for a scene, yet I think it preserves the rush of emotions that are going through, which I think is the story's point. I'm not sure how you're willing to expand this, but it'll be interesting to see how it pans out.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Other than that, I like what's going on here. It's a little skeletal if you take away all the prose, even for a scene, yet I think it preserves the rush of emotions that are going through, which I think is the story's point. I'm not sure how you're willing to expand this, but it'll be interesting to see how it pans out.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
An amazing job of describing a single moment in a lot of detail, painting a clear picture. That said, while the prose is a little purple, I think it's in good service to setting the scene before the one, final big action takes place. I'll agree with what >>CoffeeMinion said that going for an extension of the event far into the future is a bit much given the length of the fic. As it stands, without that line of "years of love and laughter in the future," you've got a fantastic start to a longer fic that could deal with the aftermath of a comedic accidental kiss, rather than a painting of the start to what we understand to be a long and fruitful relationship.