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Very nice:
I'd recommend starting the story a scene earlier, though, to show us what Kepa's life is like--his dead-end magical job, awful wizard co-workers, that sort of thing. Let us see for ourselves what's driven him to purchase a DIY homunculus.
I'd also recommend having him directly order Zorion to do something in the second half once we're in her POV so we can see what getting order is like for her. Does she loses consciousness, then come awake after her body's done whatever he's told her to do with no memory of what happened? Or is it that she's locked inside, looking out through her own eyes but powerless to control her body? How long does her lack of control last? Does she only regain her independence after carrying out Kepa's orders? Set up the parameters of what it's like for her before that last line so we'll know whether Kepa has just erased her from existence or doomed her to an eternity of helpless watching or what.
Still, like I said, very nice.
Mike
I'd recommend starting the story a scene earlier, though, to show us what Kepa's life is like--his dead-end magical job, awful wizard co-workers, that sort of thing. Let us see for ourselves what's driven him to purchase a DIY homunculus.
I'd also recommend having him directly order Zorion to do something in the second half once we're in her POV so we can see what getting order is like for her. Does she loses consciousness, then come awake after her body's done whatever he's told her to do with no memory of what happened? Or is it that she's locked inside, looking out through her own eyes but powerless to control her body? How long does her lack of control last? Does she only regain her independence after carrying out Kepa's orders? Set up the parameters of what it's like for her before that last line so we'll know whether Kepa has just erased her from existence or doomed her to an eternity of helpless watching or what.
Still, like I said, very nice.
Mike
but it took a complete moron to screw up when you had a diagram.
Loooool. Smearing the chalk outlines is a total classic, though. :P
I liked a lot of what was going on here; the world and the characters come across pretty crisply, and the whole thing works together fairly well. The thing is, I find the ending rather unsatisfying; it's cute and clever, sure, but I really don't think it's actually very much going to solve any of the problems that are present here. Will Zorion really be convinced with that? Even if s/he is, should Kepra really be alright with enslaving an actual human soul?
I dunno. I feel like this one just didn't go far enough; it sets up this really dramatic solution, then snaps its fingers and says 'Solved!' and I'm just not buying it. Zorion, at the very least, did not seem like s/he'd just nod and accept that as an answer. Maybe that's just me, and other people find this plausible enough, but yeah. I'd like to see a bit more rationale on why a one-liner is enough to solve everything, and why both sides just accept that. Or if not, where things go from there.
Maybe you ran out of time? This feels like about 2/3rds of a really great story. Still, thanks for writing, and I did like it a lot right up until the end.
I kinda feel this fic comes across as more understated than it wants (should?) to be. This is straddling a real awkward point between goofy anime comedy and... kinda horrifying and troubling body horror. I assume the intent is comedy (because going into the horror of Zorin's situation is really obvious here if that's the approach you want to take), but I think you don't take it quite far enough. Some mild jokes aside, everything just feels a little too tame to avoid being a bit creepy.
I also think a bit more extreme take on the comedy might give a better view of Kepa's character, which also feels a bit lacking. At the end, I'm not really sure why he makes the choice he does. I mean, the fact that he's a lonely loser (chewing a toothpick, lost in the dark, trying to turn on the lights) but aside from that... eh? Which is kind of important information to have when you're ending the story on a decision from him that falls somewhere between the "oh, cute" and "oh, horrifying" scale.
Boy I am just dumping on ambiguity this round.
Anyhow, beyond that, the writing is solidly competent and the dialogue is punchy enough. It's an amusing enough read, but it really doesn't land any actual laughs, if that makes sense.
I also think a bit more extreme take on the comedy might give a better view of Kepa's character, which also feels a bit lacking. At the end, I'm not really sure why he makes the choice he does. I mean, the fact that he's a lonely loser (chewing a toothpick, lost in the dark, trying to turn on the lights) but aside from that... eh? Which is kind of important information to have when you're ending the story on a decision from him that falls somewhere between the "oh, cute" and "oh, horrifying" scale.
Boy I am just dumping on ambiguity this round.
Anyhow, beyond that, the writing is solidly competent and the dialogue is punchy enough. It's an amusing enough read, but it really doesn't land any actual laughs, if that makes sense.
The Sad Life of a Solitary Mage — A — College students in a magic world. Very nice work weaving the whole bit together, but I think everybody is overthinking the ending (a common thing in writeoffs). I like the botched spell interaction, the student finding out about how his new property doesn’t match the owner’s manual, the reaction of Zorin, all of it and how it ties together. Very good work. With some care, it could be made into the first chapter of a novel.
Loved the ending line.
Very much cutting the Gordian knot there, dude.
This feels like the first chapter for a semi-successful web-serial, but I don't know if the core idea is sustainable in the long run; still, so far it's the best of the fics I've read (that being four).
Very much cutting the Gordian knot there, dude.
This feels like the first chapter for a semi-successful web-serial, but I don't know if the core idea is sustainable in the long run; still, so far it's the best of the fics I've read (that being four).
That callout, though.
Much like Outer Rondax, this is a stock fantasy Call to Adventure formula that sets up a pair dynamic and a couple of fluffy twists. Less fluffy here though, more on the razor's edge of something that could go to some very dark places if things were just a little bit different.
>>devas sums it up well. Good ending line, but it does have the feel of a beginning rather than a complete piece. Even though the line is a strong closer, the story doesn't feel closed, if you get what I mean? And the comment on the idea being unsustainable is spot on. I was expecting the reveal itself to be the end of the story, because, well, you can't really do much with the concept after the reveal without going full mind control/consent issue thornbush. That one line there, left ambiguous, is about as much as you can possibly milk the "giving orders to Zorion" thing without either dropping the conceit, turning Kepa into a villain, or invoking Suspension of Fetish Disbelief.
Very, very web serial or light novel ish. See Tales of MU's Two for a very similar character; I would be entirely unsurprised if that was an explicit inspiration here.
That callout, though. Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, son. Uh, no comment on my actual guess for author, but it does indirectly put the piece to a bit of the same "safe fantasy wheelhouse" I talked about with Outer Rondax, other than the PG-fication of the mind control. Still, strength of prose and execution of concepts that could've very easily swerved into nighmarish territory put this at a respectable showing for me. Thanks for writing!
Much like Outer Rondax, this is a stock fantasy Call to Adventure formula that sets up a pair dynamic and a couple of fluffy twists. Less fluffy here though, more on the razor's edge of something that could go to some very dark places if things were just a little bit different.
>>devas sums it up well. Good ending line, but it does have the feel of a beginning rather than a complete piece. Even though the line is a strong closer, the story doesn't feel closed, if you get what I mean? And the comment on the idea being unsustainable is spot on. I was expecting the reveal itself to be the end of the story, because, well, you can't really do much with the concept after the reveal without going full mind control/consent issue thornbush. That one line there, left ambiguous, is about as much as you can possibly milk the "giving orders to Zorion" thing without either dropping the conceit, turning Kepa into a villain, or invoking Suspension of Fetish Disbelief.
Very, very web serial or light novel ish. See Tales of MU's Two for a very similar character; I would be entirely unsurprised if that was an explicit inspiration here.
That callout, though. Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, son. Uh, no comment on my actual guess for author, but it does indirectly put the piece to a bit of the same "safe fantasy wheelhouse" I talked about with Outer Rondax, other than the PG-fication of the mind control. Still, strength of prose and execution of concepts that could've very easily swerved into nighmarish territory put this at a respectable showing for me. Thanks for writing!
This is going to make the sex very, very awkward. To say nothing of Zorion learning how to be a woman. Though, artificial construct, so I guess that's probably less of an issue in terms of bodily management.
Snark aside, there's a great setup to a longer piece in here. Jumping between gender pronouns for Zorion is a nice touch as well. It's a great dial to turn depending on how Zorion or Homunculus he/she/it(?) is being at the time. Like others have mentioned, there's either zany antics or fridge body horror aplenty, but it's a bit too early to make that call just yet.
Really appreciate how on-point to the prompt this is, too.
Snark aside, there's a great setup to a longer piece in here. Jumping between gender pronouns for Zorion is a nice touch as well. It's a great dial to turn depending on how Zorion or Homunculus he/she/it(?) is being at the time. Like others have mentioned, there's either zany antics or fridge body horror aplenty, but it's a bit too early to make that call just yet.
Really appreciate how on-point to the prompt this is, too.
Pretty sure I owe a thing on this one. Just been hella lazy on it.
So this fic. This fic. This fic was an unmitigated disaster, really. A version of the idea came to me on day one in the morning as I was getting ready for work, which I think had a more sci-fi bent and involved maid robots or something? Eventually I realized that homunculi made things a lot easier. That said, I had the base idea there more or less the whole time: servant non-human creation that were made out of people (criminals or something).
The problem was, through Sunday, that was all I had.
Generally speaking, I launch into writing with an idea and a loose idea of how I want the story to go, and I just write until I get there. Unfortunately, this story wasn't getting there. The direction I was headed down was a bit more of an action adventure story involving prisoner tracking to make combat dolls or some such nonsense, but I realized the resolution I was headed towards was basically going to be the call to adventure sort: our heroes discover the conspiracy, survive their encounter, set off, and maybe adventure awaits after.
Just... wasn't gelling.
So I turn to a dear friend and go "Yo, my story sucks, what can I do?" and got some good advice in that, tonally, I was all over the place, with the story sitting in an awkward spot between kinda goofy comedy and straight up body horror. Which I had to agree with. So, given what I was up for, I opted to lean heavily into the comedy which... still left me without an arc, even after cleaning up the earlier parts and deleting some unnecessary junk. At which point I was tired, cranky, and realized that I could just the story on a huge, anti-climactic dark punchline.
Checking in if that seemed to work, I was met with some approval, so I said "Let's go!" and did it. Of course, because I'm me, apparently I lead up to the final punchline in such a way that it didn't land as darkly as it could (which I saw on a reread), but hey.
Also this was clearly partly inspired by Ella Enchanted.
>>Baal Bunny Yeah, I probably could have afforded to start a step or two back. Not much further, but enough to give a bit more of an impression regarding Kepa's life.
>>Not_A_Hat Well, you're correct re: time, but it also just looks like the darker punchline whiffed here (which I can see since it -is- a weird one-liner to work as a solution).
>>georg Thank you kindly.
>>devas Yeah, I kinda have a habit of writing open ended conclusions, which is something I should be more wary of.
>>Cassius Man. Called shot there.
>>Ranmilia *catstare*
>>Rao Yeah. That element was a decided hold on from when I was planning this to be a bit longer and more serious, but I did like it. Plus it creates a better faux lead-in to an abrupt hard stop.
So this fic. This fic. This fic was an unmitigated disaster, really. A version of the idea came to me on day one in the morning as I was getting ready for work, which I think had a more sci-fi bent and involved maid robots or something? Eventually I realized that homunculi made things a lot easier. That said, I had the base idea there more or less the whole time: servant non-human creation that were made out of people (criminals or something).
The problem was, through Sunday, that was all I had.
Generally speaking, I launch into writing with an idea and a loose idea of how I want the story to go, and I just write until I get there. Unfortunately, this story wasn't getting there. The direction I was headed down was a bit more of an action adventure story involving prisoner tracking to make combat dolls or some such nonsense, but I realized the resolution I was headed towards was basically going to be the call to adventure sort: our heroes discover the conspiracy, survive their encounter, set off, and maybe adventure awaits after.
Just... wasn't gelling.
So I turn to a dear friend and go "Yo, my story sucks, what can I do?" and got some good advice in that, tonally, I was all over the place, with the story sitting in an awkward spot between kinda goofy comedy and straight up body horror. Which I had to agree with. So, given what I was up for, I opted to lean heavily into the comedy which... still left me without an arc, even after cleaning up the earlier parts and deleting some unnecessary junk. At which point I was tired, cranky, and realized that I could just the story on a huge, anti-climactic dark punchline.
Checking in if that seemed to work, I was met with some approval, so I said "Let's go!" and did it. Of course, because I'm me, apparently I lead up to the final punchline in such a way that it didn't land as darkly as it could (which I saw on a reread), but hey.
Also this was clearly partly inspired by Ella Enchanted.
>>Baal Bunny Yeah, I probably could have afforded to start a step or two back. Not much further, but enough to give a bit more of an impression regarding Kepa's life.
>>Not_A_Hat Well, you're correct re: time, but it also just looks like the darker punchline whiffed here (which I can see since it -is- a weird one-liner to work as a solution).
>>georg Thank you kindly.
>>devas Yeah, I kinda have a habit of writing open ended conclusions, which is something I should be more wary of.
>>Cassius Man. Called shot there.
>>Ranmilia *catstare*
>>Rao Yeah. That element was a decided hold on from when I was planning this to be a bit longer and more serious, but I did like it. Plus it creates a better faux lead-in to an abrupt hard stop.
>>AndrewRogue Oh, you're too hard on yourself. There's all kinds of seeds of a wacky sitcom type story here with drama and gender bending and plot twists. I mean, look. You have a main character as a student/late teen/loser who managed to screw up a *canned* spell. Angst, inexperience, etc... Then you have an experienced (and failed) male thief who has been stuck in a *female* body, a *hot* female body, and geas-ed into doing whatever the inexperienced goof commands. Undoubtedly, the screw-up is something the company would be more than happy to 'fix' if they find it, even if that fix involves flushing Zorian down the toilet and providing a fresh, free kit and a few gold coins, so the last thing he/she wants to do is make a stink. The 'master' most likely does not want the screw-up to become public either, because he is A) A slave-owner of a sapient being, B) managed to screw up the unscrewable C) the press would treat him as the ping-pong ball of the day and smack him around, and D) how do you do the normal things like attract a mate and get a job with that 'thing' in the house?