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Secret shame moment about this. I actually had no idea on the proper spelling or pronunciation of this particular mountain range (I never visited them, I don't do geography, etc), which lead to some unfortunate confusion regarding the nature of things in the story.
Anyhow, beyond that, I actually had a hella hard time engaging with this story.
The dialogue is cute and entertaining, but it isn't quite strong enough to fully hold my attention (largely because Hoyle and Lellis are too adorable to the point where I kinda want to throttle them), which is a problem because the plot... doesn't really exist?
You setup the wrong world idea, but don't really do anything with it until suddenly magic raccoons and suddenly magic is fine if you don't think about it (if there was a better hint of that one earlier, I missed it - his reaction to the idea of "words" lost me). And then it is resolved. Essentially, the whole arc of the story, as it were, takes place in the two scenes with the racoons, and everything else is setup or closing out, which is a LOT of setup or closing out.
I think that's the best way to put it. This story has a ton of frosting, but very little cake. The dialogue is super cute, but doesn't really tie into anything. The setting and core concept are cute, but very little is actually done with them. I'm on a sugar high and have nothing to bring me back down.
Honestly, I think the primary thing you need to do is just weave the actual plot more through. Give more subtle signs of things being off/wrong (unless there are and I missed them, in which case be less subtle). You don't have to make the adventure tie directly to them or their character arcs in any way, but if you aren't going to, you need to keep the actual plot under the spotlight. It is fun to watch characters bounce off each other, but you still need some reason to invest and some sort of arc going on to make it really satisfying.
Beyond that, most of the end is actually pretty cuttable. Learning a bit more about their backstories here didn't really change anything for me, since it really didn't change anything for them. They are in love and obscenely adorable about it, despite coming from different "worlds." In fact, I'd say the emotions run oddly high at the end here, given what was a pretyt mild adventure. Like I'd expect they have near death experiences all the time, so the little white lie told feels like it is given an extraordinary amount of weight.
Anyhow, beyond that, I actually had a hella hard time engaging with this story.
The dialogue is cute and entertaining, but it isn't quite strong enough to fully hold my attention (largely because Hoyle and Lellis are too adorable to the point where I kinda want to throttle them), which is a problem because the plot... doesn't really exist?
You setup the wrong world idea, but don't really do anything with it until suddenly magic raccoons and suddenly magic is fine if you don't think about it (if there was a better hint of that one earlier, I missed it - his reaction to the idea of "words" lost me). And then it is resolved. Essentially, the whole arc of the story, as it were, takes place in the two scenes with the racoons, and everything else is setup or closing out, which is a LOT of setup or closing out.
I think that's the best way to put it. This story has a ton of frosting, but very little cake. The dialogue is super cute, but doesn't really tie into anything. The setting and core concept are cute, but very little is actually done with them. I'm on a sugar high and have nothing to bring me back down.
Honestly, I think the primary thing you need to do is just weave the actual plot more through. Give more subtle signs of things being off/wrong (unless there are and I missed them, in which case be less subtle). You don't have to make the adventure tie directly to them or their character arcs in any way, but if you aren't going to, you need to keep the actual plot under the spotlight. It is fun to watch characters bounce off each other, but you still need some reason to invest and some sort of arc going on to make it really satisfying.
Beyond that, most of the end is actually pretty cuttable. Learning a bit more about their backstories here didn't really change anything for me, since it really didn't change anything for them. They are in love and obscenely adorable about it, despite coming from different "worlds." In fact, I'd say the emotions run oddly high at the end here, given what was a pretyt mild adventure. Like I'd expect they have near death experiences all the time, so the little white lie told feels like it is given an extraordinary amount of weight.
The character building in this is excellent, and very nearly carries the whole thing for me. I think this line sums up what I like about it so much:
Because that's exactly what's going on; Hoyle knows he's not much help, but he wants to feel helpful, and Lellis is indulging that, and she knows it, but she does it because she loves him, and he loves her because she does it. All conveyed in a scarce dozen sentences. Very nice, and the piece is full of bits like that.
On the other hand, the character arc seems a bit melodramatic. Or, like, I feel like what's going on is supposed to be some sort of character arc, but I'm not really sure it properly is? Like, the ending seems to suggest that there was some sort of growth or change in their relationship, because it's so over-the-top with the forgive-and-make-up, but honestly, I don't really see that. Lellis seems unreasonable in her anger over his 'lie', and the reaction to their reconciliation seems out of proportion because of it. Maybe if lying was a thing thematically, I'd be more willing to buy it? But then, if it was, his not telling her about the 'Outer Rondax' thing would necessarily take on a different tint. (That's the lie I think she should be angry at him for, tbh.)
As for the whirlwind adventure... Eh. I mean, it was alright? I think my biggest problem with it can be shown with this line:
It's really the 'plausible' bit that gets me. There's been no foreshadowing of this, so when it's pulled out of thin air as a way to resolve the conflict of the story, it feels rather cheap. So that was kinda Deus Ex unsatisfying. Other than that, though, the action is serviceable, the setting is whimsical and internally consistent, thegoblins raccoons are foreshadowed enough to make some sense, I was never really got lost as to what was going on... it all rather works, even if it's not as nuanced as the character-building.
EDIT: Oh, and the first and third horizontal rules don't really do anything useful for the flow of the story, I don't think. I'm not really sure why they're there.
This is quite solid, except for one or two points. I really enjoyed it! Thanks for writing.
"Our freeze-dried food supply and most of the stove." She grinned. "I know you like to feel useful."
Because that's exactly what's going on; Hoyle knows he's not much help, but he wants to feel helpful, and Lellis is indulging that, and she knows it, but she does it because she loves him, and he loves her because she does it. All conveyed in a scarce dozen sentences. Very nice, and the piece is full of bits like that.
On the other hand, the character arc seems a bit melodramatic. Or, like, I feel like what's going on is supposed to be some sort of character arc, but I'm not really sure it properly is? Like, the ending seems to suggest that there was some sort of growth or change in their relationship, because it's so over-the-top with the forgive-and-make-up, but honestly, I don't really see that. Lellis seems unreasonable in her anger over his 'lie', and the reaction to their reconciliation seems out of proportion because of it. Maybe if lying was a thing thematically, I'd be more willing to buy it? But then, if it was, his not telling her about the 'Outer Rondax' thing would necessarily take on a different tint. (That's the lie I think she should be angry at him for, tbh.)
As for the whirlwind adventure... Eh. I mean, it was alright? I think my biggest problem with it can be shown with this line:
"Words," he heard himself say out loud, a plausible theory bursting into his head.
It's really the 'plausible' bit that gets me. There's been no foreshadowing of this, so when it's pulled out of thin air as a way to resolve the conflict of the story, it feels rather cheap. So that was kinda Deus Ex unsatisfying. Other than that, though, the action is serviceable, the setting is whimsical and internally consistent, the
EDIT: Oh, and the first and third horizontal rules don't really do anything useful for the flow of the story, I don't think. I'm not really sure why they're there.
This is quite solid, except for one or two points. I really enjoyed it! Thanks for writing.
I'm going to mostly agree with >>Not_A_Hat; and, having done so, find that I don't have a great deal more to add.
The abrupt introduction-and-resolution of the magical problem felt excessively compressed and a little bit unfair. The dilemma is, I'm not sure quite how to foreshadow that without changing the dynamics of the story from "Hoyle genuinely believes they're on a nonmagical world" to "Hoyle's lying to his partner". Perhaps by having Hoyle (while alone) see some blatant act of what appears to be magic, but he analyzes it to death and it couldn't possibly have happened and so he writes it off? (As opposed to trying to do magic after mere rumors of goblins.)
I could read about Hoyle and Lellis being good to each other all day. The gas station owner, however, seemed off. Maybe his vaguely Victorian-Irish erudition should have been another clue that we're not on Earth? But if so, then Hoyle — who knows enough of Earth culture to be citing Don Knotts — should have been similarly tipped off. If you want him to come across as the scholar he does, maybe lampshade it with Hoyle commenting on his speech patterns and vocabulary; but that may be a digression your story doesn't need.
On the whole, though, this was a joy to read, and that's pushing it to the top of my ballot.
Tier: Top Contender
The abrupt introduction-and-resolution of the magical problem felt excessively compressed and a little bit unfair. The dilemma is, I'm not sure quite how to foreshadow that without changing the dynamics of the story from "Hoyle genuinely believes they're on a nonmagical world" to "Hoyle's lying to his partner". Perhaps by having Hoyle (while alone) see some blatant act of what appears to be magic, but he analyzes it to death and it couldn't possibly have happened and so he writes it off? (As opposed to trying to do magic after mere rumors of goblins.)
I could read about Hoyle and Lellis being good to each other all day. The gas station owner, however, seemed off. Maybe his vaguely Victorian-Irish erudition should have been another clue that we're not on Earth? But if so, then Hoyle — who knows enough of Earth culture to be citing Don Knotts — should have been similarly tipped off. If you want him to come across as the scholar he does, maybe lampshade it with Hoyle commenting on his speech patterns and vocabulary; but that may be a digression your story doesn't need.
On the whole, though, this was a joy to read, and that's pushing it to the top of my ballot.
Tier: Top Contender
In the Outer Rondax — A — Very smooth integration of magic, alternative dimensions, and vacation time. Extremely smooth and readable, with a lot of context to get through to the reader (so it can get a little dry in spots, but still ok). Hey, I’ll ship it. The barbarian swordswoman and the male mage make a good pair. I’m just picky-picky enough to wonder two things: how did they get there, and how did they get the local currency?
I'll agree:
With the consensus, author, that the characters need more story around them. Even something as fluffy as this could benefit from increased tension, too--maybe Lellis cuts her hand when they're out in the woods, and it hits Hoyle hard that all he can do is put a Band-Aid on it. Give us some ominous rustling in the bushes so Hoyle gets more and more uneasy about whether they're on Earth or not and more and more guilty that he doesn't mention his suspicions to Lellis. Stuff like that. :)
Mike
With the consensus, author, that the characters need more story around them. Even something as fluffy as this could benefit from increased tension, too--maybe Lellis cuts her hand when they're out in the woods, and it hits Hoyle hard that all he can do is put a Band-Aid on it. Give us some ominous rustling in the bushes so Hoyle gets more and more uneasy about whether they're on Earth or not and more and more guilty that he doesn't mention his suspicions to Lellis. Stuff like that. :)
Mike
No megaposts for these, but I'll try and get some thoughts out.
Previous comments hit this one pretty well. Fantasy adventure, leaning heavily on lightly fluffed romance and an air of magic to carry the day, most of the strength in trying to get the audience to like the protagonist couple and their dynamic.
It's not a bad formula - a lot about this piece reminds me a lot of Blind Dating in a World Gone Mad, a couple of rounds ago. It is, however, a relatively unambitious "stock" formula. Very safe, predictable even, aiming more for solid execution of staple tropes and not trying much that particularly stands out. That's a relative (though not absolute) penalty in this round when it comes time for me to rank it, because this round's array of competitors are so strong and many of them go for very ambitious approaches.
Blind Dating took home a gold, and I certainly don't think this piece is far below Dating in absolute quality... but that was against a relatively soft field of other entries, whereas this round is the strongest overall group I've seen on the site. To sum up that unwieldy paragraph, this didn't impress me too much, but it looks less good than it is because of the competition it's being directly compared to.
Specifics have mostly already been addressed. I felt like I spent a lot of mental energy trying to figure out the (large-scale) setting and premise of what these characters were doing, and that took my focus away from the light enjoyment it was trying to produce. I think taking some time in the first page or two to explicitly lay out the multiverse and magical tourism concepts that are going on might help readers quite a bit in that regard. And the core plot puzzle in the second half, well, see everyone else. One of those things that I'm sure made sense in the author's head, but there isn't enough groundwork for the reader to follow the logic of the mystery, and the whole thing feels rather irrelevant to the protagonists themselves. They just happen to be there and stumble into it.
Cute couple though. Thanks for writing!
Previous comments hit this one pretty well. Fantasy adventure, leaning heavily on lightly fluffed romance and an air of magic to carry the day, most of the strength in trying to get the audience to like the protagonist couple and their dynamic.
It's not a bad formula - a lot about this piece reminds me a lot of Blind Dating in a World Gone Mad, a couple of rounds ago. It is, however, a relatively unambitious "stock" formula. Very safe, predictable even, aiming more for solid execution of staple tropes and not trying much that particularly stands out. That's a relative (though not absolute) penalty in this round when it comes time for me to rank it, because this round's array of competitors are so strong and many of them go for very ambitious approaches.
Blind Dating took home a gold, and I certainly don't think this piece is far below Dating in absolute quality... but that was against a relatively soft field of other entries, whereas this round is the strongest overall group I've seen on the site. To sum up that unwieldy paragraph, this didn't impress me too much, but it looks less good than it is because of the competition it's being directly compared to.
Specifics have mostly already been addressed. I felt like I spent a lot of mental energy trying to figure out the (large-scale) setting and premise of what these characters were doing, and that took my focus away from the light enjoyment it was trying to produce. I think taking some time in the first page or two to explicitly lay out the multiverse and magical tourism concepts that are going on might help readers quite a bit in that regard. And the core plot puzzle in the second half, well, see everyone else. One of those things that I'm sure made sense in the author's head, but there isn't enough groundwork for the reader to follow the logic of the mystery, and the whole thing feels rather irrelevant to the protagonists themselves. They just happen to be there and stumble into it.
Cute couple though. Thanks for writing!
Thanks, folks!
And congrats to the other medalists. We may have been few this round, but we had some pretty good stuff!
As for me, like I keep saying, I view the Writeoff as a chance to crank out a first draft, trying to get the characters down as I walk them through the bare bones of a story. After the contest, I deepen the story elements based on how I've developed the characters, spackle the whole thing together, and call it finished. My "Glass Spider" story from the last original short round, for instance, ended up about twice as long as the version I entered here, and I sold its First-Use, Non-Exclusive Electronic rights to the webzine Aurora Wolf: it's scheduled to appear there Sept. 1st, actually. So I expect "Outer Rondax" to go through the same process over the next month or so, fleshing out the overall world and hopefully making the goings-on both clearer and less generic. :)
Thanks again for the comments!
Mike
And congrats to the other medalists. We may have been few this round, but we had some pretty good stuff!
As for me, like I keep saying, I view the Writeoff as a chance to crank out a first draft, trying to get the characters down as I walk them through the bare bones of a story. After the contest, I deepen the story elements based on how I've developed the characters, spackle the whole thing together, and call it finished. My "Glass Spider" story from the last original short round, for instance, ended up about twice as long as the version I entered here, and I sold its First-Use, Non-Exclusive Electronic rights to the webzine Aurora Wolf: it's scheduled to appear there Sept. 1st, actually. So I expect "Outer Rondax" to go through the same process over the next month or so, fleshing out the overall world and hopefully making the goings-on both clearer and less generic. :)
Thanks again for the comments!
Mike