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How to Blackmail an Ex-She-Demon
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“Hey, Twilight? Are you busy?”
Twilight almost sprang up from her beanbag, slamming her laptop shut with just a little more force than was strictly necessary. From the doorway of the unused classroom, Sunset Shimmer eyed her with a mixture of bemusement and fondness, and it took all of Twilight’s concentration to keep her cheeks from flushing.
“N-no!” She stammered, a little forcefully. Biting her lip, she smoothed down her skirt as she rose. “No, I was just writing.”
Sunset smiled and shook her head softly, shutting the door behind her.
“Of course you were,” she said, before her smile morphed into an uncomfortable grimace and the confidence fled from her voice. “Listen… I, uh, could do with some help. If, you know, you have the time.”
“Yes!” Twilight said, before realising that she hadn’t actually been asked a question. “I mean, of course I can help. What do you need?”
Sunset was smiling again – gratefully this time, but Twilight never particularly cared why Sunset smiled (though it made her a little bit giddy every time the reason was her.) “Thanks, Twilight,” she said, unzipping her jacket pocket with one hand as she began to walk over. By the time she had reached Twilight, she had pulled out a small, jet-black thumb drive. “Mind if we take a look at this?”
Twilight nodded and tried to smile back when Sunset gestured for them to share the beanbag. She opened her laptop quickly, her fingers brushing expertly at alt and tab almost as soon as the screen flashed on to keep any incriminating evidence out of Sunset’s sight.
“Alright,” she said, pointedly ignoring the way Sunset was staring, eyebrows raised, at the fanart she’d chosen as a desktop background. “What are we looking at?”
Sunset took the offered laptop and clicked her way through a few folders, before turning the screen to face Twilight, a screenshot filling the display.
“Sunset,” Twilight began, slowly, “I can think of a few problems with this, not least of which is that it’s already Thursday. When did you get this email?”
Sunset scratched the back of her head and glanced away. “Two days ago,” she mumbled.
“And you’ve said nothing all that time?” Twilight almost threw her arms up in exasperation; instead, she took a few, short breaths and tried to make eye contact with Sunset. “Sunset, this is blackmail. You should be taking this to the police, not sitting about agonising over it.”
“I wasn’t ‘sitting about’,” Sunset spat, and Twilight instinctively recoiled from her right as Sunset slapped her hand across her mouth. The two girls stared at each other for a moment, and for the briefest of moments Twilight could see her own fear of rejection reflected in Sunset’s eyes.
And then Sunset slowly peeled her hand from her lips, and said, “I’m so, so sorry, Twilight. I didn’t mean to snap. This whole thing just has me on edge, y’know?”
Twilight didn’t quite relax. But she could feel the tension begin to drain from her shoulders, and she forced a smile she wasn’t quite ready for onto her lips. She nodded; she couldn’t quite trust herself to speak.
Neither, it seemed, did Sunset, whose voice rose barely above a whisper. “Besides, I didn’t particularly want anyone to see those photos.”
“What did they catch you doing?” Twilight asked, morbidly curious. It wasn’t until she noticed the dark gold tint of Sunset’s cheeks that she added, “You, uh, don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“They didn’t catch me doing anything,” Sunset replied, her eyes glaring at the floor. “They were photos I took. For Flash, back when… y’know…”
“Oh.” Twilight’s cheeks flushed with heat. All of a sudden, Evening Gleam was sending Dusk Shine pictures just like those, and though the young detective was sure it was a trap meant to ensnare and distract her, she couldn’t help but stare, enraptured, at luscious amber skin…
Not for the first time, Twilight was really, really glad that Sunset’s skin wasn’t brushing up against hers.
“I don’t know what to do, Twilight.” Sunset’s voice was small, and pleading, but it somehow had enough strength to pull Twilight from her thoughts and back to the present. “I’ve tried everything I can to track these people down, and I’ve come up blank at every turn.”
Dusk Shine was a super-sleuth. She could solve any case, no matter how difficult, and she never backed down from a challenge. Her mind raced through the endless possible solutions like a chess grandmaster searching for moves, and she was always a step ahead of the criminals trying to evade her. With enough thought and enough time, Dusk Shine could do anything.
Twilight Sparkle wasn’t Dusk Shine.
But, seeing the fear and desperation in Sunset’s eyes, she could sure as hell try.
“I’m still not entirely convinced the library is gonna help us,” Sunset muttered. They had been sat at one of the wooden desks for almost an hour, now: Twilight’s laptop was open, two browser windows sitting side-by-side and filled with information, as she scrawled endless diagrams and notes onto the pieces of scrap paper that were strewn around the desk. Sunset was absent-mindedly flicking through a copy E-Mail For Dummies in the hope that it might give them some way to get past email aliases. “I know we deal with magic a lot, but this isn’t a Harry Potter novel.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow, but otherwise continued to add arrows to the network of people she was trying to reconstruct on paper. If she could find someone, anyone with a motive…
There was a soft, satisfying thud. Twilight looked up to see Sunset leaning back in her chair, her eyes closed and her book abandoned on her lap. A strand of amaranth hair had come loose and traipsed over Sunset’s shoulder, meandering around and curling in on itself to gently caress her neck. Suddenly self-conscious, Twilight brushed a strand of her own hair back behind her ear as Sunset let out a low groan.
“Sunset? Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” Sunset replied. Her voice sounded heavy with exhaustion. “I’m sorry if I’m distracting you. I just… I’m tired, and scared, and I need to vent, y’know? I’m definitely not in the most efficient mood for research right now.”
“Twilight nodded, and smiled. “I can understand that,” she said. “You’ve got a lot riding on this, after all.”
“Mhmm.” Sunset opened her eyes and looked over at Twilight, a warm smile tugging at her lips, and Twilight’s abdomen was suddenly aflutter with hesperiids. “Thank you for helping, Twilight. Whatever happens… it means a lot.”
“It’s okay, Sunset,” Twilight said. “I’m always happy to help. How’re we doing for time?”
Sunset stretched, and glanced up at the clock on the opposite wall.
“It’s almost three thirty. Have you got anything new?”
Twilight slid her pencil back behind her ear and turned to her laptop, her fingers dancing across the keys. She could feel Sunset’s expectant gaze, but her eyes continued to dart over paragraphs of text in single glances, scouring her searches for…
“Dammit,” she cursed. “I was sure that would be it.”
Behind her, she heard Sunset’s sigh, and the rustle of pages as a book fell open. Frowning, she traced a finger along the network of arrows that covered the page closest to her, meandering through the entire social structure of the school in search of a culprit that Dusk Shine would have spotted instantly. This wasn’t going to be as easy as she had thought.
By the time Rainbow Dash curiously poked her head in through the library door to ask if the two of them were free that evening, Twilight was starting to become more than a little bit frustrated. Sure, she could name people who would want to hurt Sunset – plenty of people, though it pained her to admit it – but there wasn’t anything concrete. It didn’t help that she couldn’t begin to imagine how the anonymous blackmailers had gotten hold of those pictures (Sunset was certain that Flash Sentry had nothing to do with it, though Twilight couldn’t help but be suspicious of the slightly-strange boy.) Rainbow Dash shrugged off Twilight’s excuses that they had a lot of work to do for a research paper as typical egghead thinking, and left the two of them to it.
That had been half an hour ago. It was now five o’clock, and Twilight was beginning to feel the pressure of the imminent deadline.
Sunset, on the other hand, had dozed off on top of a book. Twilight didn’t blame her: with the week she’d had, Sunset certainly deserved a little bit of rest. Besides, she was adorable when she was sleeping.
Twilight wasn’t entirely sure when she had first started crushing on her best friend. She supposed it had been long enough that it was more of a case of ‘becoming best friends with her crush’, anyway – she had at least been attracted to Sunset ever since she met the fiery, brilliant girl at the friendship games. But it wasn’t until that resplendent angel had reached out a hand, and called her name…
Sunset Shimmer had saved her life.
And, crush or no, Twilight Sparkle couldn’t repay her.
Dusk Shine could. Dusk Shine would have found the culprit within an hour; not just that, but she would have found a way to get them to give Sunset the money they’d demanded of her, and do it all entirely within the realm of the law. Dusk Shine would have had everything wrapped up neatly after finding some obscure reference in a book, instead of doodling for hours across a table spread with scrap paper in the vain hope that something might make itself clear to her.
Twilight’s head fell onto the desk with a thud that echoed through the library, as she felt her throat constrict with barely-concealed disappointment. She was upset and frustrated and angry, and she felt absolutely nothing at all. There was a black hole where her heart should be, and it pulled her chest inward into emotional nothingne
“Twilight?”
Sunset’s voice, muffled as it was by a yawn, was like a sudden burst of Hawking Radiation for her heart. The pressure evaporated from her chest, and she smiled into the table, despite herself.
“Sorry I woke you up,” she mumbled. “I’m just hitting dead ends everywhere.”
“It’s okay, Twilight,” Sunset said. “We tried, you know?”
Twilight lifted her head just a little, and slid an arm under her chin to prop herself up. She gazed up at Sunset, concern weighing on her features, and sighed.
“It isn’t okay, though, is it?” Twilight said. “I couldn’t find out who sent that email, and now your pictures are going to be sent to who knows how many people!
“I’ve failed you, Sunset.” Twilight’s voice was small, now, and it felt as if it were hiding away in the back of her throat, like a mouse quivering timidly in its hole as a cat prowled outside. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, Twilight!” Sunset stood and hurried around the table so smoothly that it seemed almost one motion. Before Twilight could even register what was going on, amber arms were wrapped around her shoulders, and she could feel the pressure of Sunset’s chin resting on top of her head. “Don’t be so silly! You haven’t failed anything. We both tried damn hard to find this, Twilight. You have no idea how happy I am to have a friend as good as you.”
Twilight leaned into Sunset’s embrace, twisted her neck, and buried her head in Sunset’s shoulder. “I just can’t shake the feeling that I’ve let you down. If I’d been faster…”
Twilight frowned as she felt Sunset’s whole body shaking with laughter against her. She pulled back just enough to look up at Sunset, and tilted her head slightly in question.
“I’m sorry, Twilight,” Sunset said, taking deep breaths between chuckles. “You just reminded me so much of how Princess Twilight was panicking back when she couldn’t figure out the right spell to counteract the magic of the sirens…”
And just like that, Twilight Sparkle’s mind started to fill in connections.
The sirens were an old enemy of Sunset Shimmer. The sirens had lost everything specifically because of Sunset Shimmer. The sirens were master manipulators who had always been able to use their powers to get what they wanted from people and were almost certainly both able and willing to blackmail someone and –
(Almost subconsciously, Twilight’s fingers started to trace over additional connections from an invisible point on the paper, even as Sunset continued to try and explain what was so funny about her reaction.)
– they had had access to Flash Sentry at a time after the photos had been sent to him and it seemed reasonable that they might want to collect blackmail on anyone who might stand out as potential threats and even through human history they had been known for their use of sexuality as a means of control –
(And Twilight could see as Sunset’s face was beginning to fall, even as she felt her own eyes glazing over, but she couldn’t interrupt her thoughts to tell her friend not to worry because she’d found a motive and now all she needed was proof come on Twilight what do you know?)
– and and and sirens were from Greek mythology and they were said to have bird-like forms though it seems their equestrian counterparts were more fish-like and they had an affinity for music and musical instruments and none of this is relevant andandand the Greek for sirens is Σειρῆνες and some translations place them in Punta del Faro or in Sirenuse or in Capri…
It was a moment she had described a thousand and one times: every observation fell completely into place, and suddenly everything about the case made sense. There was no emotion behind it: no surprise, no elation, no fear; it was simply fact.
“Twilight? Are you okay?”
Twilight took a deep breath and allowed herself the briefest of triumphant smiles.
“It’s the sirens, Sunset,” she said. “Do you know where we can find them?”
Twilight stepped off the motorcycle, and tried to will her legs to stop shaking – which, if anything, made them shake even more. She had thought that wrapping her arms around Sunset and holding her tight would make the ride less terrifying (after all, that’s what always happened in the fanfics she read), but nothing short of burying her face in Sunset’s back and squeezing her eyes shut had prevented her from fainting from fear. Sunset might have been her redeeming angel, but she certainly rode like a demon.
Still, Twilight had to admit that Sunset had good reason to shatter the speed limit, given their deadline and everything that was at stake.
She watched as Sunset stood and stretched, taking off her helmet and shaking out her hair. Then Sunset turned and smiled at her, and stretched out a hand, and Twilight didn’t quite fall over as she stepped forward to grab it. Sunset’s soft palm and calloused fingertips brushing against her skin calmed her legs just enough to walk, and the two of them made their way inside.
“Do you think they still live here?” Twilight asked. They had gotten the address from Vice-principal Luna, who had accepted their explanation that there was an urgent magical crisis without so much as a second thought.
“I doubt they can afford to move out since we defeated them,” Sunset replied. “Still, it’s a bit of a dump.”
The apartment building was, in Twilight’s opinion, just a shade too structurally sound to be condemned. The wallpaper was dusty, and peeling in places, and the paint on the doors was scratched and faded, but nothing seemed actively dangerous. Still, something about the building had Twilight on edge.
“102, 103…” Twilight muttered, her eyes darting from door to door. “They should be just around the corner, if I’m counting right.”
Sunset nodded, and began to walk purposefully down the corridor. Caught off guard, Twilight hurried to catch up, almost jogging to keep pace with Sunset’s larger strides. When they reached apartment 107, Twilight stepped back as Sunset knocked, loudly, three times. After a moment, the door opened just enough to let a mass of blue hair through the gap.
The hair grinned.
“Oh, hi Sunset!” it said, cheerily. “We weren’t expecting you!”
“Sunset? As in Sunset Shimmer?” A muffled, angry voice came from behind the door, and a fuchsia hand grabbed at the mass of hair, pulling what Twilight could only assume was one of the sirens inside with a violent jerk and a high-pitched squeal. Thinking quickly (for once), Twilight shoved her foot forwards into the door’s gap, and winced in anticipation just before it slammed onto her. Smiling gratefully, Sunset pushed the door open and stepped inside.
“Good evening, girls,” she said, calmly, as the brawling sirens before her froze. “I believe you have some things of mine. I’d like them back.”
“Technically, they’re Flash’s photos–” The blue-skinned siren (Sonata? Twilight had tried to remember their names from photographs, but they all looked so very different with dishevelled hair and battered clothes) was cut off when the other (Aria?) grabbed her by the mouth.
“Aria, put Sonata down. We have company.” Even if she hadn’t named her companions, Twilight would have known that voice belonged to Adagio Dazzle without ever having met her. It was deep and dangerous and, despite the loss of their magic, almost melodic. It was a voice that commanded attention and obedience: everything she had heard about the legendary siren fit it perfectly. “Speaking of… good evening, Sunset, Twilight. Would the two of you like to come in?”
Twilight shot Sunset a worried look, but the other girl seemed wholly focused on the sirens before her. After a moment of pause, Sunset nodded slightly to herself, and stepped into the apartment.
“Do make yourselves at home,” Adagio added. Twilight stood awkwardly by a coffee table; Sunset flopped down onto the old, beaten couch and sighed loudly. “And girls, go make yourselves useful. I suspect our guests would like a drink.”
Sonata and Aria traipsed into the kitchen, glaring daggers at each other the whole way. Twilight wasn’t entirely sure how the two of them ever worked together long enough for the sirens’ plans to come remotely close to succeeding.
“Now, Sunset,” Adagio began, perching herself gracefully on the arm of a recliner, “what’s all this nonsense about us having ‘things’ of yours?”
Sunset smiled. “I know you’re the ones behind that email I got. I’m here because I want all the copies of those photographs back, and you’re going to give them to me.”
Adagio shot Sunset a withering look, and raised her eyebrows in disdain.
“Even if we had photos of yours, why would we give them back?” she asked. “You wouldn’t be here in person if you had any proof. Why do you even think we had anything to do with this?”
“Twilight realised it,” Sunset said, before glancing up at Twilight and nodding. Twilight cleared her throat.
“It was all in the email,” Twilight explained. “Your paypal address, that is. One of the places commonly attributed to sirens in mythology is Capri – or Capreae in Latin. And the Greek for sirens is Σειρῆνες and if you take every Greek letter and substitute it for one that looks similar you get Eeipnvec. So really, that paypal address reads ‘Sirens at Capri’… and, uh, that’s how we knew it was you, I guess.”
It had been a pretty good explanation, Twilight thought, but it was lacking a certain punch. Adagio simply shook her head, smiling wryly.
“Twilight, dear, that’s not evidence,” she said, speaking in the same slow, simple voice that one might use to explain something to a particularly badly-behaved toddler. Twilight's face fell as she realised what Adagio had meant. How had she been so stupid? “That’s the kind of thing that anybody might use to try to frame us. Why, if that’s your big revelation for why we should be giving in to your every demand, you’ve got an awful lot to learn about–”
“Or, y’know, we could just show the police this blackmail email in your sent items,” Sunset said. Twilight and Adagio moved as one, twisting their heads to look at the other girl, who was now crouched forwards and idly rubbing her finger in circles on the trackpad of a laptop. After a moment, she looked up at Adagio. “You really shouldn’t leave stuff like this lying around without password protection. Nice desktop background, by the way.”
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“Hey, Twilight? Are you busy?”
Twilight looked up from her laptop and smiled at Sunset Shimmer, who was standing nervously in the doorway. “No, I’m just writing. What’s up?”
Sunset closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms gently around her.
“I wanted to say thanks,” she said, her voice muffled in Twilight’s hair. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“You were the one who got the proof,” Twilight replied. “You were brilliant in there, by the way. I was just a distraction, if anything.”
“Without you I would never have figured out that it was the sirens in the first place,” Sunset reminded her. “You were brilliant, too. Thank you.”
And, just like that, Sunset’s lips pressed against the top of Twilight’s head, and Twilight was almost relieved that her mind went totally blank in response. Sunset, it seemed, didn’t notice, and gave Twilight a quick, affectionate nuzzle, and Twilight felt her hair moving back and forth beneath Sunset’s cheek. For a minute, Twilight allowed herself to relax and melt, content, into Sunset’s embrace.
Then, just as Twilight’s shoulders had fully relaxed and her breathing slowed to an almost imperceptible rate, Sunset’s quiet voice dragged her back to the present, filled with warmth and curiosity, teasing gently.
“Twilight, are you writing fanfiction about us?”
Evening Gleam eyed the young woman before her with a mixture of awe and trepidation as best she could through the mask of confusion she was desperately trying to maintain. As frustrating as her opponent could be, Evening couldn’t help but admit that Dusk consistently impressed her. How could anyone possibly make such dangerously accurate accusations with the same calmness and quiet curiosity one might use to enquire about the weather? How could anyone possibly cut so quickly to the heart – the truth – of the matter between mouthfuls of jam on toast? How could anyone so unkempt somehow seem so ethereally beau
“Hey, Twilight? Are you busy?”
Twilight almost sprang up from her beanbag, slamming her laptop shut with just a little more force than was strictly necessary. From the doorway of the unused classroom, Sunset Shimmer eyed her with a mixture of bemusement and fondness, and it took all of Twilight’s concentration to keep her cheeks from flushing.
“N-no!” She stammered, a little forcefully. Biting her lip, she smoothed down her skirt as she rose. “No, I was just writing.”
Sunset smiled and shook her head softly, shutting the door behind her.
“Of course you were,” she said, before her smile morphed into an uncomfortable grimace and the confidence fled from her voice. “Listen… I, uh, could do with some help. If, you know, you have the time.”
“Yes!” Twilight said, before realising that she hadn’t actually been asked a question. “I mean, of course I can help. What do you need?”
Sunset was smiling again – gratefully this time, but Twilight never particularly cared why Sunset smiled (though it made her a little bit giddy every time the reason was her.) “Thanks, Twilight,” she said, unzipping her jacket pocket with one hand as she began to walk over. By the time she had reached Twilight, she had pulled out a small, jet-black thumb drive. “Mind if we take a look at this?”
Twilight nodded and tried to smile back when Sunset gestured for them to share the beanbag. She opened her laptop quickly, her fingers brushing expertly at alt and tab almost as soon as the screen flashed on to keep any incriminating evidence out of Sunset’s sight.
“Alright,” she said, pointedly ignoring the way Sunset was staring, eyebrows raised, at the fanart she’d chosen as a desktop background. “What are we looking at?”
Sunset took the offered laptop and clicked her way through a few folders, before turning the screen to face Twilight, a screenshot filling the display.
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
If you don’t want the attached photos to be sent around the whole school, then send $1,000 to our paypal address: Eeipnvec@capreae.com. You have until 6pm on Thursday.
“Sunset,” Twilight began, slowly, “I can think of a few problems with this, not least of which is that it’s already Thursday. When did you get this email?”
Sunset scratched the back of her head and glanced away. “Two days ago,” she mumbled.
“And you’ve said nothing all that time?” Twilight almost threw her arms up in exasperation; instead, she took a few, short breaths and tried to make eye contact with Sunset. “Sunset, this is blackmail. You should be taking this to the police, not sitting about agonising over it.”
“I wasn’t ‘sitting about’,” Sunset spat, and Twilight instinctively recoiled from her right as Sunset slapped her hand across her mouth. The two girls stared at each other for a moment, and for the briefest of moments Twilight could see her own fear of rejection reflected in Sunset’s eyes.
And then Sunset slowly peeled her hand from her lips, and said, “I’m so, so sorry, Twilight. I didn’t mean to snap. This whole thing just has me on edge, y’know?”
Twilight didn’t quite relax. But she could feel the tension begin to drain from her shoulders, and she forced a smile she wasn’t quite ready for onto her lips. She nodded; she couldn’t quite trust herself to speak.
Neither, it seemed, did Sunset, whose voice rose barely above a whisper. “Besides, I didn’t particularly want anyone to see those photos.”
“What did they catch you doing?” Twilight asked, morbidly curious. It wasn’t until she noticed the dark gold tint of Sunset’s cheeks that she added, “You, uh, don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“They didn’t catch me doing anything,” Sunset replied, her eyes glaring at the floor. “They were photos I took. For Flash, back when… y’know…”
“Oh.” Twilight’s cheeks flushed with heat. All of a sudden, Evening Gleam was sending Dusk Shine pictures just like those, and though the young detective was sure it was a trap meant to ensnare and distract her, she couldn’t help but stare, enraptured, at luscious amber skin…
Not for the first time, Twilight was really, really glad that Sunset’s skin wasn’t brushing up against hers.
“I don’t know what to do, Twilight.” Sunset’s voice was small, and pleading, but it somehow had enough strength to pull Twilight from her thoughts and back to the present. “I’ve tried everything I can to track these people down, and I’ve come up blank at every turn.”
Dusk Shine was a super-sleuth. She could solve any case, no matter how difficult, and she never backed down from a challenge. Her mind raced through the endless possible solutions like a chess grandmaster searching for moves, and she was always a step ahead of the criminals trying to evade her. With enough thought and enough time, Dusk Shine could do anything.
Twilight Sparkle wasn’t Dusk Shine.
But, seeing the fear and desperation in Sunset’s eyes, she could sure as hell try.
“I’m still not entirely convinced the library is gonna help us,” Sunset muttered. They had been sat at one of the wooden desks for almost an hour, now: Twilight’s laptop was open, two browser windows sitting side-by-side and filled with information, as she scrawled endless diagrams and notes onto the pieces of scrap paper that were strewn around the desk. Sunset was absent-mindedly flicking through a copy E-Mail For Dummies in the hope that it might give them some way to get past email aliases. “I know we deal with magic a lot, but this isn’t a Harry Potter novel.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow, but otherwise continued to add arrows to the network of people she was trying to reconstruct on paper. If she could find someone, anyone with a motive…
There was a soft, satisfying thud. Twilight looked up to see Sunset leaning back in her chair, her eyes closed and her book abandoned on her lap. A strand of amaranth hair had come loose and traipsed over Sunset’s shoulder, meandering around and curling in on itself to gently caress her neck. Suddenly self-conscious, Twilight brushed a strand of her own hair back behind her ear as Sunset let out a low groan.
“Sunset? Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” Sunset replied. Her voice sounded heavy with exhaustion. “I’m sorry if I’m distracting you. I just… I’m tired, and scared, and I need to vent, y’know? I’m definitely not in the most efficient mood for research right now.”
“Twilight nodded, and smiled. “I can understand that,” she said. “You’ve got a lot riding on this, after all.”
“Mhmm.” Sunset opened her eyes and looked over at Twilight, a warm smile tugging at her lips, and Twilight’s abdomen was suddenly aflutter with hesperiids. “Thank you for helping, Twilight. Whatever happens… it means a lot.”
“It’s okay, Sunset,” Twilight said. “I’m always happy to help. How’re we doing for time?”
Sunset stretched, and glanced up at the clock on the opposite wall.
“It’s almost three thirty. Have you got anything new?”
Twilight slid her pencil back behind her ear and turned to her laptop, her fingers dancing across the keys. She could feel Sunset’s expectant gaze, but her eyes continued to dart over paragraphs of text in single glances, scouring her searches for…
“Dammit,” she cursed. “I was sure that would be it.”
Behind her, she heard Sunset’s sigh, and the rustle of pages as a book fell open. Frowning, she traced a finger along the network of arrows that covered the page closest to her, meandering through the entire social structure of the school in search of a culprit that Dusk Shine would have spotted instantly. This wasn’t going to be as easy as she had thought.
By the time Rainbow Dash curiously poked her head in through the library door to ask if the two of them were free that evening, Twilight was starting to become more than a little bit frustrated. Sure, she could name people who would want to hurt Sunset – plenty of people, though it pained her to admit it – but there wasn’t anything concrete. It didn’t help that she couldn’t begin to imagine how the anonymous blackmailers had gotten hold of those pictures (Sunset was certain that Flash Sentry had nothing to do with it, though Twilight couldn’t help but be suspicious of the slightly-strange boy.) Rainbow Dash shrugged off Twilight’s excuses that they had a lot of work to do for a research paper as typical egghead thinking, and left the two of them to it.
That had been half an hour ago. It was now five o’clock, and Twilight was beginning to feel the pressure of the imminent deadline.
Sunset, on the other hand, had dozed off on top of a book. Twilight didn’t blame her: with the week she’d had, Sunset certainly deserved a little bit of rest. Besides, she was adorable when she was sleeping.
Twilight wasn’t entirely sure when she had first started crushing on her best friend. She supposed it had been long enough that it was more of a case of ‘becoming best friends with her crush’, anyway – she had at least been attracted to Sunset ever since she met the fiery, brilliant girl at the friendship games. But it wasn’t until that resplendent angel had reached out a hand, and called her name…
Sunset Shimmer had saved her life.
And, crush or no, Twilight Sparkle couldn’t repay her.
Dusk Shine could. Dusk Shine would have found the culprit within an hour; not just that, but she would have found a way to get them to give Sunset the money they’d demanded of her, and do it all entirely within the realm of the law. Dusk Shine would have had everything wrapped up neatly after finding some obscure reference in a book, instead of doodling for hours across a table spread with scrap paper in the vain hope that something might make itself clear to her.
Twilight’s head fell onto the desk with a thud that echoed through the library, as she felt her throat constrict with barely-concealed disappointment. She was upset and frustrated and angry, and she felt absolutely nothing at all. There was a black hole where her heart should be, and it pulled her chest inward into emotional nothingne
“Twilight?”
Sunset’s voice, muffled as it was by a yawn, was like a sudden burst of Hawking Radiation for her heart. The pressure evaporated from her chest, and she smiled into the table, despite herself.
“Sorry I woke you up,” she mumbled. “I’m just hitting dead ends everywhere.”
“It’s okay, Twilight,” Sunset said. “We tried, you know?”
Twilight lifted her head just a little, and slid an arm under her chin to prop herself up. She gazed up at Sunset, concern weighing on her features, and sighed.
“It isn’t okay, though, is it?” Twilight said. “I couldn’t find out who sent that email, and now your pictures are going to be sent to who knows how many people!
“I’ve failed you, Sunset.” Twilight’s voice was small, now, and it felt as if it were hiding away in the back of her throat, like a mouse quivering timidly in its hole as a cat prowled outside. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, Twilight!” Sunset stood and hurried around the table so smoothly that it seemed almost one motion. Before Twilight could even register what was going on, amber arms were wrapped around her shoulders, and she could feel the pressure of Sunset’s chin resting on top of her head. “Don’t be so silly! You haven’t failed anything. We both tried damn hard to find this, Twilight. You have no idea how happy I am to have a friend as good as you.”
Twilight leaned into Sunset’s embrace, twisted her neck, and buried her head in Sunset’s shoulder. “I just can’t shake the feeling that I’ve let you down. If I’d been faster…”
Twilight frowned as she felt Sunset’s whole body shaking with laughter against her. She pulled back just enough to look up at Sunset, and tilted her head slightly in question.
“I’m sorry, Twilight,” Sunset said, taking deep breaths between chuckles. “You just reminded me so much of how Princess Twilight was panicking back when she couldn’t figure out the right spell to counteract the magic of the sirens…”
And just like that, Twilight Sparkle’s mind started to fill in connections.
The sirens were an old enemy of Sunset Shimmer. The sirens had lost everything specifically because of Sunset Shimmer. The sirens were master manipulators who had always been able to use their powers to get what they wanted from people and were almost certainly both able and willing to blackmail someone and –
(Almost subconsciously, Twilight’s fingers started to trace over additional connections from an invisible point on the paper, even as Sunset continued to try and explain what was so funny about her reaction.)
– they had had access to Flash Sentry at a time after the photos had been sent to him and it seemed reasonable that they might want to collect blackmail on anyone who might stand out as potential threats and even through human history they had been known for their use of sexuality as a means of control –
(And Twilight could see as Sunset’s face was beginning to fall, even as she felt her own eyes glazing over, but she couldn’t interrupt her thoughts to tell her friend not to worry because she’d found a motive and now all she needed was proof come on Twilight what do you know?)
– and and and sirens were from Greek mythology and they were said to have bird-like forms though it seems their equestrian counterparts were more fish-like and they had an affinity for music and musical instruments and none of this is relevant andandand the Greek for sirens is Σειρῆνες and some translations place them in Punta del Faro or in Sirenuse or in Capri…
It was a moment she had described a thousand and one times: every observation fell completely into place, and suddenly everything about the case made sense. There was no emotion behind it: no surprise, no elation, no fear; it was simply fact.
“Twilight? Are you okay?”
Twilight took a deep breath and allowed herself the briefest of triumphant smiles.
“It’s the sirens, Sunset,” she said. “Do you know where we can find them?”
Twilight stepped off the motorcycle, and tried to will her legs to stop shaking – which, if anything, made them shake even more. She had thought that wrapping her arms around Sunset and holding her tight would make the ride less terrifying (after all, that’s what always happened in the fanfics she read), but nothing short of burying her face in Sunset’s back and squeezing her eyes shut had prevented her from fainting from fear. Sunset might have been her redeeming angel, but she certainly rode like a demon.
Still, Twilight had to admit that Sunset had good reason to shatter the speed limit, given their deadline and everything that was at stake.
She watched as Sunset stood and stretched, taking off her helmet and shaking out her hair. Then Sunset turned and smiled at her, and stretched out a hand, and Twilight didn’t quite fall over as she stepped forward to grab it. Sunset’s soft palm and calloused fingertips brushing against her skin calmed her legs just enough to walk, and the two of them made their way inside.
“Do you think they still live here?” Twilight asked. They had gotten the address from Vice-principal Luna, who had accepted their explanation that there was an urgent magical crisis without so much as a second thought.
“I doubt they can afford to move out since we defeated them,” Sunset replied. “Still, it’s a bit of a dump.”
The apartment building was, in Twilight’s opinion, just a shade too structurally sound to be condemned. The wallpaper was dusty, and peeling in places, and the paint on the doors was scratched and faded, but nothing seemed actively dangerous. Still, something about the building had Twilight on edge.
“102, 103…” Twilight muttered, her eyes darting from door to door. “They should be just around the corner, if I’m counting right.”
Sunset nodded, and began to walk purposefully down the corridor. Caught off guard, Twilight hurried to catch up, almost jogging to keep pace with Sunset’s larger strides. When they reached apartment 107, Twilight stepped back as Sunset knocked, loudly, three times. After a moment, the door opened just enough to let a mass of blue hair through the gap.
The hair grinned.
“Oh, hi Sunset!” it said, cheerily. “We weren’t expecting you!”
“Sunset? As in Sunset Shimmer?” A muffled, angry voice came from behind the door, and a fuchsia hand grabbed at the mass of hair, pulling what Twilight could only assume was one of the sirens inside with a violent jerk and a high-pitched squeal. Thinking quickly (for once), Twilight shoved her foot forwards into the door’s gap, and winced in anticipation just before it slammed onto her. Smiling gratefully, Sunset pushed the door open and stepped inside.
“Good evening, girls,” she said, calmly, as the brawling sirens before her froze. “I believe you have some things of mine. I’d like them back.”
“Technically, they’re Flash’s photos–” The blue-skinned siren (Sonata? Twilight had tried to remember their names from photographs, but they all looked so very different with dishevelled hair and battered clothes) was cut off when the other (Aria?) grabbed her by the mouth.
“Aria, put Sonata down. We have company.” Even if she hadn’t named her companions, Twilight would have known that voice belonged to Adagio Dazzle without ever having met her. It was deep and dangerous and, despite the loss of their magic, almost melodic. It was a voice that commanded attention and obedience: everything she had heard about the legendary siren fit it perfectly. “Speaking of… good evening, Sunset, Twilight. Would the two of you like to come in?”
Twilight shot Sunset a worried look, but the other girl seemed wholly focused on the sirens before her. After a moment of pause, Sunset nodded slightly to herself, and stepped into the apartment.
“Do make yourselves at home,” Adagio added. Twilight stood awkwardly by a coffee table; Sunset flopped down onto the old, beaten couch and sighed loudly. “And girls, go make yourselves useful. I suspect our guests would like a drink.”
Sonata and Aria traipsed into the kitchen, glaring daggers at each other the whole way. Twilight wasn’t entirely sure how the two of them ever worked together long enough for the sirens’ plans to come remotely close to succeeding.
“Now, Sunset,” Adagio began, perching herself gracefully on the arm of a recliner, “what’s all this nonsense about us having ‘things’ of yours?”
Sunset smiled. “I know you’re the ones behind that email I got. I’m here because I want all the copies of those photographs back, and you’re going to give them to me.”
Adagio shot Sunset a withering look, and raised her eyebrows in disdain.
“Even if we had photos of yours, why would we give them back?” she asked. “You wouldn’t be here in person if you had any proof. Why do you even think we had anything to do with this?”
“Twilight realised it,” Sunset said, before glancing up at Twilight and nodding. Twilight cleared her throat.
“It was all in the email,” Twilight explained. “Your paypal address, that is. One of the places commonly attributed to sirens in mythology is Capri – or Capreae in Latin. And the Greek for sirens is Σειρῆνες and if you take every Greek letter and substitute it for one that looks similar you get Eeipnvec. So really, that paypal address reads ‘Sirens at Capri’… and, uh, that’s how we knew it was you, I guess.”
It had been a pretty good explanation, Twilight thought, but it was lacking a certain punch. Adagio simply shook her head, smiling wryly.
“Twilight, dear, that’s not evidence,” she said, speaking in the same slow, simple voice that one might use to explain something to a particularly badly-behaved toddler. Twilight's face fell as she realised what Adagio had meant. How had she been so stupid? “That’s the kind of thing that anybody might use to try to frame us. Why, if that’s your big revelation for why we should be giving in to your every demand, you’ve got an awful lot to learn about–”
“Or, y’know, we could just show the police this blackmail email in your sent items,” Sunset said. Twilight and Adagio moved as one, twisting their heads to look at the other girl, who was now crouched forwards and idly rubbing her finger in circles on the trackpad of a laptop. After a moment, she looked up at Adagio. “You really shouldn’t leave stuff like this lying around without password protection. Nice desktop background, by the way.”
tap tap tap
Evening Gleam faced down the vicious merfolk with a dangerous glint in her eyes. It felt weird to be standing beside Dusk, truly working with the aloof detective rather than against her, but Evening couldn’t help but feel at home as the two of them brought down evidence upon the blackmailers who had come so close to ruining her life. Dusk really was phenome
“Hey, Twilight? Are you busy?”
Twilight looked up from her laptop and smiled at Sunset Shimmer, who was standing nervously in the doorway. “No, I’m just writing. What’s up?”
Sunset closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms gently around her.
“I wanted to say thanks,” she said, her voice muffled in Twilight’s hair. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“You were the one who got the proof,” Twilight replied. “You were brilliant in there, by the way. I was just a distraction, if anything.”
“Without you I would never have figured out that it was the sirens in the first place,” Sunset reminded her. “You were brilliant, too. Thank you.”
And, just like that, Sunset’s lips pressed against the top of Twilight’s head, and Twilight was almost relieved that her mind went totally blank in response. Sunset, it seemed, didn’t notice, and gave Twilight a quick, affectionate nuzzle, and Twilight felt her hair moving back and forth beneath Sunset’s cheek. For a minute, Twilight allowed herself to relax and melt, content, into Sunset’s embrace.
Then, just as Twilight’s shoulders had fully relaxed and her breathing slowed to an almost imperceptible rate, Sunset’s quiet voice dragged her back to the present, filled with warmth and curiosity, teasing gently.
“Twilight, are you writing fanfiction about us?”
I mean, I don't have much to complain about except how very, very fast paced this is.
Otherwise, this is good. Thank you for contributing.
Otherwise, this is good. Thank you for contributing.
Ditto on the pacing, a bit of breathing room would have done wonders for the story.
I found myself enjoying the story as I read along, though, so I can't say it completely failed. I liked the way Twilight was characterised, and I think would have liked to get a few more snippets of her fanfic playing alongside the events in the real world.
But yeah, a nice tale.
I found myself enjoying the story as I read along, though, so I can't say it completely failed. I liked the way Twilight was characterised, and I think would have liked to get a few more snippets of her fanfic playing alongside the events in the real world.
But yeah, a nice tale.
Genre: Mystery/anti-nudies PSA
Thoughts: Ooo, two Sirens fics in one Writeoff? And apparently there's a Limestone fic floating around too?! I'm spoiled! Stop you guys! (Don't stop, please don't stop...)
[DWK]Okay. So.[/DWK] The fundamentals here are really strong. We get a complete story (a quality never to be underestimated, always to be celebrated) that successfully gives Sci-Twi her own little Rarity Investigates! kind of arc. The mystery is short but adequate, and the moment where Twilight pulls everything together is great. The story's humor and shipping are woven in deftly, and they manage to go past "satisfying" and approach the realm of "charming" for me. Considering that the specific ship and circumstances surrounding Sunset's predicament might not otherwise be my cup of tea, I'll give major kudos for that!
Others have called this rushed. Honestly, I'm just not feeling that. It's a bit convenient that the Sirens found an email provider offering that specific domain, and the non-ponified Earth names were jarring (and it may represent a missed opportunity to give them a truly Greek domain extension rather than just .com). But for a short, straightforward mystery where the humor elements are more than just peripheral, I find much to be satisfied with. Oh, and the ending was gold, too.
Thus far I've found little to complain about. I do feel that this is missing a certain je ne sais quoi to catapult it up above all possible competition. I grant that that is fabulously nonspecific feedback, but I apologize, it's all I've got.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Ooo, two Sirens fics in one Writeoff? And apparently there's a Limestone fic floating around too?! I'm spoiled! Stop you guys! (Don't stop, please don't stop...)
[DWK]Okay. So.[/DWK] The fundamentals here are really strong. We get a complete story (a quality never to be underestimated, always to be celebrated) that successfully gives Sci-Twi her own little Rarity Investigates! kind of arc. The mystery is short but adequate, and the moment where Twilight pulls everything together is great. The story's humor and shipping are woven in deftly, and they manage to go past "satisfying" and approach the realm of "charming" for me. Considering that the specific ship and circumstances surrounding Sunset's predicament might not otherwise be my cup of tea, I'll give major kudos for that!
Others have called this rushed. Honestly, I'm just not feeling that. It's a bit convenient that the Sirens found an email provider offering that specific domain, and the non-ponified Earth names were jarring (and it may represent a missed opportunity to give them a truly Greek domain extension rather than just .com). But for a short, straightforward mystery where the humor elements are more than just peripheral, I find much to be satisfied with. Oh, and the ending was gold, too.
Thus far I've found little to complain about. I do feel that this is missing a certain je ne sais quoi to catapult it up above all possible competition. I grant that that is fabulously nonspecific feedback, but I apologize, it's all I've got.
Tier: Strong
A cute, fluffy bit of popcorn reading.
The biggest problem is that the mystery is pretty weak, all told. There is exactly one clue that we are given (which is kinda a weird one - if I wanted to blackmail >>CoffeeMinion I certainly would not use, like, arogue@taviscratch.com to do it) and the characters miss a really obvious candidate (seriously, why are the sirens not the FIRST consideration?). Like, the library is kind of a weird pacing fake because nothing actually happens by visiting it. It does not contribute to plot advancement at all. It is just scene filler until the S word gets dropped.
If you want to frame it as a mystery, you need to have a little more... well. Mystery! Not just "Oh, right, the villains were the villains. They basically emailed us from their personal email address."
Last scene is super sweet, though.
Harry Potter reference is weird.
Beyond that, this delves into personal territory, but I'm actually not a big fan of the shipping here. Crushes are intended to be cute, but here it feels really overwhelming. It feels like Sunset can't do anything without it being wonderful or amazing or attractive. Just fuck already and get it out of your system! :p
The biggest problem is that the mystery is pretty weak, all told. There is exactly one clue that we are given (which is kinda a weird one - if I wanted to blackmail >>CoffeeMinion I certainly would not use, like, arogue@taviscratch.com to do it) and the characters miss a really obvious candidate (seriously, why are the sirens not the FIRST consideration?). Like, the library is kind of a weird pacing fake because nothing actually happens by visiting it. It does not contribute to plot advancement at all. It is just scene filler until the S word gets dropped.
If you want to frame it as a mystery, you need to have a little more... well. Mystery! Not just "Oh, right, the villains were the villains. They basically emailed us from their personal email address."
Last scene is super sweet, though.
Harry Potter reference is weird.
Beyond that, this delves into personal territory, but I'm actually not a big fan of the shipping here. Crushes are intended to be cute, but here it feels really overwhelming. It feels like Sunset can't do anything without it being wonderful or amazing or attractive. Just fuck already and get it out of your system! :p
Largely agreed with >>AndrewRogue; there's just two points that I want to expand on slightly.
1) In terms of deepening the mystery and giving the library scene more of a purpose, how about having them start out examining opportunity, rather than motive? If Sunset starts the discussion with a comprehensive list of everyone who's had recent contact with Flash Sentry (which the ultimate perpetrators aren't on), then it makes a little more sense why they run into such a wall, and then the breakthrough can accompany Twilight realizing they should be thinking about people with motive and figuring out the details of how it was done after they assemble their suspects.
2)
Twilight's crush didn't bother me quite so much as Andrew. However, this is very much textually presented as an unrequited crush by Twilight, and the plot really makes a point of revolving around her secret one-way longing — except for when it's not:
I just feel like these are not ways that not-in-love people act, and if you're trying to draw drama out of an unrequited crush, it helps if it's actually unrequited.
I mean, sure, mutual crushes are a thing, if both parties are too scared to admit it. But that's a very, very tropey thing to do in fanfic romance, and typically involves a lot of idiot-balling. The cliche here feels like it's dragging down the plot.
Anyway, I did enjoy the core mystery, and the neat subversion at the end of the next-to-last scene. Enjoyable stuff, but the romance (and the construction of the mystery) could use some polishing. (As ultimately ridiculous as the e-mail clue was, it definitely had its heart in the right place; maybe it just needs to be a textual clue rather than an e-mail address one? Like, maybe, it's the computer name in the EXIF data added to the JPEG when the sirens scanned and saved the pics?)
Tier: Flawed but Fun
1) In terms of deepening the mystery and giving the library scene more of a purpose, how about having them start out examining opportunity, rather than motive? If Sunset starts the discussion with a comprehensive list of everyone who's had recent contact with Flash Sentry (which the ultimate perpetrators aren't on), then it makes a little more sense why they run into such a wall, and then the breakthrough can accompany Twilight realizing they should be thinking about people with motive and figuring out the details of how it was done after they assemble their suspects.
2)
I'm actually not a big fan of the shipping here.
Twilight's crush didn't bother me quite so much as Andrew. However, this is very much textually presented as an unrequited crush by Twilight, and the plot really makes a point of revolving around her secret one-way longing — except for when it's not:
“I wasn’t ‘sitting about’,” Sunset spat, and Twilight instinctively recoiled from her right as Sunset slapped her hand across her mouth. The two girls stared at each other for a moment, and for the briefest of moments Twilight could see her own fear of rejection reflected in Sunset’s eyes.
And, just like that, Sunset’s lips pressed against the top of Twilight’s head, and Twilight was almost relieved that her mind went totally blank in response. Sunset, it seemed, didn’t notice, and gave Twilight a quick, affectionate nuzzle
I just feel like these are not ways that not-in-love people act, and if you're trying to draw drama out of an unrequited crush, it helps if it's actually unrequited.
I mean, sure, mutual crushes are a thing, if both parties are too scared to admit it. But that's a very, very tropey thing to do in fanfic romance, and typically involves a lot of idiot-balling. The cliche here feels like it's dragging down the plot.
Anyway, I did enjoy the core mystery, and the neat subversion at the end of the next-to-last scene. Enjoyable stuff, but the romance (and the construction of the mystery) could use some polishing. (As ultimately ridiculous as the e-mail clue was, it definitely had its heart in the right place; maybe it just needs to be a textual clue rather than an e-mail address one? Like, maybe, it's the computer name in the EXIF data added to the JPEG when the sirens scanned and saved the pics?)
Tier: Flawed but Fun
As usual, I don't have much to say. You already had strong and smart reviewers pointing out some of the small problems.
What I want to say, however, is how unsure I am about what this entry is about. The two main focuses are the mistery and the romance part, but none felt more important than the other, and, in the end, the resolution doesn't feel strong enough. As mentionned, the mistery sounds a bit weak, so when it is resolved, it isn't that satisfying. On the other hand, Twi's crush isn't resolved. She doesn't tell her feelings to Sunset, so it's not that satisfying too.
Moreover, we have that meta reflection on what we, as fanfictions authors, do. And, while it is presented like something a bit silly, the overall depiction is quite endearing.
I'm not saying that these three parts can't, and don't, mix together well, I just think that it needs more room to breathe in order to tie everything together. Spending more words on the mistery may probably be a good step in that direction.
Anyway, that being said, this was a very nice and cute little story between Sunset and Sci-Twi. Solid writing and smooth pace. Thank you for sharing.
What I want to say, however, is how unsure I am about what this entry is about. The two main focuses are the mistery and the romance part, but none felt more important than the other, and, in the end, the resolution doesn't feel strong enough. As mentionned, the mistery sounds a bit weak, so when it is resolved, it isn't that satisfying. On the other hand, Twi's crush isn't resolved. She doesn't tell her feelings to Sunset, so it's not that satisfying too.
Moreover, we have that meta reflection on what we, as fanfictions authors, do. And, while it is presented like something a bit silly, the overall depiction is quite endearing.
I'm not saying that these three parts can't, and don't, mix together well, I just think that it needs more room to breathe in order to tie everything together. Spending more words on the mistery may probably be a good step in that direction.
Anyway, that being said, this was a very nice and cute little story between Sunset and Sci-Twi. Solid writing and smooth pace. Thank you for sharing.
I don't have much to add at this point in the way of constructive criticism; folks above covered the bases pretty well. I liked the same stuff that >>CoffeeMinion and others talked about liking. Really enjoy Twilight's characterization, both her formidable intelligence and her adorable nerdiness. And this made me laugh. I would definitely read any expansion on it, which could only make it better. I'm not that familiar with the world on the other side of the mirror, but you got me to like and care about the people in it. Well done!
Most of what I want to say has been said already. I'll say it again anyway, because I'm cute.
The moment in the beginning where Sunset snips at Twilight and the two immediately regret it feels extreme. Sunset didn't say anything harsh to Twilight... at least, not harsh for words between best friends. Twilight's reaction signals less to me that Sunset was mean, and more that the two of them aren't very familiar with one another.
My biggest issue with the fic is that the investigation feels very one note. The bulk of the story is spent with Twilight at the computer, vaguely selecting network lists—a task that isn't very tangible or understandable to the reader. Rather, it seems to just be a vehicle for Twilight's self-doubt, giving her an easy task that she can keep failing at, so the story can double down on how useless she feels. I'm all in for a bit of Twilight angst, but this section goes on for too long. Rainbow's appearance seems like an attempt at breaking the monotony, but she comes and goes so quickly, and is so inconsequential to the story that it doesn't work.
Not to toot my own horn, but in my fic Sunset Sleeps With the Fishes—a story that has a similar plot and tone to this one—part of the way I constructed the investigation was by giving it multiple stages, where each one led into the next. I'd like to see an investigation with consequences here. You can still keep Twilight's brain blast—I thought that was really fun—but let it come at the end of a longer investigation.
The Harry Potter reference doesn't sit well with me, especially considering you've already included another piece of fiction where all the characters have pony names.
There's a moment near the end of their investigation where Twilight feels so guilty for failing Sunset that she breaks down, and Sunset has to comfort her. Did this scene feel sorta backwards to anyone else? If anything, Sunset is the one who should be getting the comfort and reassurance here; her nudes are about to get plastered everywhere! I think instead of indulging in a pity party for herself, Twilight should be the one taking the initiative to comfort Sunset. That'd be a much better way of showing the affection between them. Sunset could lean into her touch and everything, maybe drop her Confident Girl mask for a second...
When they bust into the Sirens' apartment, Sonata straight up says that the pictures belong to Flash, not Sunset. Isn't that already an admission that they know about the pictures and took them? Why is Adagio denying it like a minute later?
(I really did like this story. I think it's a fine addition to the Sunlight canon. 😃 But there's just some stuff that's not jiving with me.)
The moment in the beginning where Sunset snips at Twilight and the two immediately regret it feels extreme. Sunset didn't say anything harsh to Twilight... at least, not harsh for words between best friends. Twilight's reaction signals less to me that Sunset was mean, and more that the two of them aren't very familiar with one another.
My biggest issue with the fic is that the investigation feels very one note. The bulk of the story is spent with Twilight at the computer, vaguely selecting network lists—a task that isn't very tangible or understandable to the reader. Rather, it seems to just be a vehicle for Twilight's self-doubt, giving her an easy task that she can keep failing at, so the story can double down on how useless she feels. I'm all in for a bit of Twilight angst, but this section goes on for too long. Rainbow's appearance seems like an attempt at breaking the monotony, but she comes and goes so quickly, and is so inconsequential to the story that it doesn't work.
Not to toot my own horn, but in my fic Sunset Sleeps With the Fishes—a story that has a similar plot and tone to this one—part of the way I constructed the investigation was by giving it multiple stages, where each one led into the next. I'd like to see an investigation with consequences here. You can still keep Twilight's brain blast—I thought that was really fun—but let it come at the end of a longer investigation.
The Harry Potter reference doesn't sit well with me, especially considering you've already included another piece of fiction where all the characters have pony names.
There's a moment near the end of their investigation where Twilight feels so guilty for failing Sunset that she breaks down, and Sunset has to comfort her. Did this scene feel sorta backwards to anyone else? If anything, Sunset is the one who should be getting the comfort and reassurance here; her nudes are about to get plastered everywhere! I think instead of indulging in a pity party for herself, Twilight should be the one taking the initiative to comfort Sunset. That'd be a much better way of showing the affection between them. Sunset could lean into her touch and everything, maybe drop her Confident Girl mask for a second...
When they bust into the Sirens' apartment, Sonata straight up says that the pictures belong to Flash, not Sunset. Isn't that already an admission that they know about the pictures and took them? Why is Adagio denying it like a minute later?
(I really did like this story. I think it's a fine addition to the Sunlight canon. 😃 But there's just some stuff that's not jiving with me.)
If this story weren't trying to be a detective story -- if, rather, it were a dramatic exploration of Sunset as the victim of a crime, of being publicly humiliated by the exposure of these photos, and also a delve into the acidic effects that blackmail has on the blackmailer -- this would be a much stronger story. Instead, all those elements (which are present and just waiting to be mined!) are all subordinated to an amateur detective story that flounders its way to conclusion through sloppy guesswork, incompetent criminals and coincidence.
Basically, it's the wrong type of story. Sleuths are one of the hardest genres to write, and this was a weak example of a sleuth. You need multiple suspects, all with plausible connections to the plot. It can't just be "oh I just remembered the sirens hate you."
Basically, it's the wrong type of story. Sleuths are one of the hardest genres to write, and this was a weak example of a sleuth. You need multiple suspects, all with plausible connections to the plot. It can't just be "oh I just remembered the sirens hate you."
I thought there was a strong idea driving this story: Twilight trying to come to terms with her relationship with Sunset, all while trying to help her find a blackmailer. The problem is that the story focuses a bit too much on the mystery than the relationship, and even the relationship isn't that interesting. It's mostly just Twilight fawning over Sunset, which is certainly cute, but not the most intriguing material. It doesn't help that the mystery itself is pretty easy to solve, and came off more as an excuse to get Sunset and Twilight together than a natural story progression. I wouldn't have minded this so much if the relationship with Twilight and Sunset picked up the slack, but as I mentioned before, it wasn't very substantial itself.
I don't know, maybe it's fine as some light shipping, but as a fully rounded story, I think it needs a little more polishing.
I don't know, maybe it's fine as some light shipping, but as a fully rounded story, I think it needs a little more polishing.