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Optimism
The lovers meditated through the witching hours, as Dell's old book bid them. They held hands as the candles in the apartment burned low, smelling and touching each other, and watched themselves watch themselves in the mirror Rachel had moved in from the hall.
"So..."
"... Mote it be," they whispered, when at last their time ran short.
"So mote it be!" the demon in the mirror cheerily agreed.
"JESUS FUCK, WHAT! WHO! GET OUT! OH FUCK SHIT!" Rachel replied, throwing herself backward with enough force to topple the couch. Dell, tonguetied, let the crashing furniture carry her down, then craned her neck up to stare at their visitor.
Yep. Definitely, unmistakeably, a demon. Flowing, firey red tresses, pristine tan skin, a shirt and skirt combo that could have come straight out of a web search for "naughty librarian costume", the curves to fill them, and twin pairs of batlike wings on the backs of her head and torso.
"So!" the demon chirped. "As per the ritual, I'm here to get you set up with the Words and give you a starting tour of the Worlds, and, um, do you need a minute?"
Rachel stared at Dell, then at the demon, holding a finger out in front of her but not sure where to point. "No. Please leave? Please. This did not work. There is no way that stupid book worked. We are so fucked. Get away, get out of my fucking apartment, don't eat my soul, please?"
"Soul? Oh, one of those worlds. No, no, listen! That's all made up, there's no price, your soul is fine, I promise! It's more like, um, do you have computers? I think I see a laptop back there? The multiverse is like a computer, magic just sort of programs it, and the only common link we've found is--"
A thrown boot interrupted the demon, shattering the mirror into a spiderweb of frosted cracks and shards. Her image vanished, the warm crimson glow ceased, and the apartment went dark and silent again. Rachel, breathing heavily, ran as fast as she could into the bathroom.
Behind her, Dell quietly picked up one of the shards of the broken mirror, staring down at it. Dreams of something better danced through her mind. A world, infinite worlds, a life without her partner - but then, Rachel hadn't even expected the ritual to work. Hadn't dared to hope for it. Had thought the book was stupid, the ritual was stupid, all this was stupid.
In such a multiverse, surely there was something - someone - better out there?
Dell reached down to the largest shard, ignoring how it cut her fingertip.
By the time Rachel was back, the living room was empty.
"So..."
"... Mote it be," they whispered, when at last their time ran short.
"So mote it be!" the demon in the mirror cheerily agreed.
"JESUS FUCK, WHAT! WHO! GET OUT! OH FUCK SHIT!" Rachel replied, throwing herself backward with enough force to topple the couch. Dell, tonguetied, let the crashing furniture carry her down, then craned her neck up to stare at their visitor.
Yep. Definitely, unmistakeably, a demon. Flowing, firey red tresses, pristine tan skin, a shirt and skirt combo that could have come straight out of a web search for "naughty librarian costume", the curves to fill them, and twin pairs of batlike wings on the backs of her head and torso.
"So!" the demon chirped. "As per the ritual, I'm here to get you set up with the Words and give you a starting tour of the Worlds, and, um, do you need a minute?"
Rachel stared at Dell, then at the demon, holding a finger out in front of her but not sure where to point. "No. Please leave? Please. This did not work. There is no way that stupid book worked. We are so fucked. Get away, get out of my fucking apartment, don't eat my soul, please?"
"Soul? Oh, one of those worlds. No, no, listen! That's all made up, there's no price, your soul is fine, I promise! It's more like, um, do you have computers? I think I see a laptop back there? The multiverse is like a computer, magic just sort of programs it, and the only common link we've found is--"
A thrown boot interrupted the demon, shattering the mirror into a spiderweb of frosted cracks and shards. Her image vanished, the warm crimson glow ceased, and the apartment went dark and silent again. Rachel, breathing heavily, ran as fast as she could into the bathroom.
Behind her, Dell quietly picked up one of the shards of the broken mirror, staring down at it. Dreams of something better danced through her mind. A world, infinite worlds, a life without her partner - but then, Rachel hadn't even expected the ritual to work. Hadn't dared to hope for it. Had thought the book was stupid, the ritual was stupid, all this was stupid.
In such a multiverse, surely there was something - someone - better out there?
Dell reached down to the largest shard, ignoring how it cut her fingertip.
By the time Rachel was back, the living room was empty.
Poor Rachel. Lost her boyfriend and her mirror.
Nice work! It has good twist, which makes me wish we got to spend more time seeing Rachel wrestle with her dysphoria. I get this competition doesn't give you much room for that kind of thing. But if you wrote more, I'd read it.
Nice work! It has good twist, which makes me wish we got to spend more time seeing Rachel wrestle with her dysphoria. I get this competition doesn't give you much room for that kind of thing. But if you wrote more, I'd read it.
Effective opening. Was really enjoying it until the 300 word mark. Even enjoyed the idea of the ending. But as it is, it feels rushed. Rachel throws the shoe, goes to the bathroom, five sentences of introspection, and poof. Dell's gone.
You're clocking in at ~450 words, author; you had another 300 to play with, and I think that the story suffers for the lack of them. A slightly longer conversation between Rachel and and the demon, perhaps. Or an argument between Dell and Rachel afterwards. Or Dell's thoughts about Rachel, prior to those five sentences. Her internal reactions to Rachel's reactions. Something to set up the character conflict, to justify it.
This is a good story - but it could be a great one.
You're clocking in at ~450 words, author; you had another 300 to play with, and I think that the story suffers for the lack of them. A slightly longer conversation between Rachel and and the demon, perhaps. Or an argument between Dell and Rachel afterwards. Or Dell's thoughts about Rachel, prior to those five sentences. Her internal reactions to Rachel's reactions. Something to set up the character conflict, to justify it.
This is a good story - but it could be a great one.
Meeehh? (the only thing I wrote during the flight)
As the others mentionned, this is too short to really shine. Granted, you have a beginning, stakes, and a payoff but the three feel rather plain, and I think it's mainly due to the shortness of the story. With more words, I would have probably root for the characters more, and feel concerned by what was happening.
As it is, you have your structure. Add some meat to the bones and you'll have something great, I think.
As the others mentionned, this is too short to really shine. Granted, you have a beginning, stakes, and a payoff but the three feel rather plain, and I think it's mainly due to the shortness of the story. With more words, I would have probably root for the characters more, and feel concerned by what was happening.
As it is, you have your structure. Add some meat to the bones and you'll have something great, I think.
>>Gba500
>Girlfriend
I liked this. I think the beginning is kind of florid in a way that the rest of the story isn't (and which the demon _really_ isn't) and so it feels a little tonally disjointed, but... as simple as your core plot turn is, I thought it hit home well. Which is a thing that a lot of other stories struggled to do.
>Girlfriend
I liked this. I think the beginning is kind of florid in a way that the rest of the story isn't (and which the demon _really_ isn't) and so it feels a little tonally disjointed, but... as simple as your core plot turn is, I thought it hit home well. Which is a thing that a lot of other stories struggled to do.
Not much here, and not much to say beyond what the above comment train already has. What's written isn't bad, but there's so little of it that even though there's a solid narrative skeleton the story just feels incomplete.
That's not to say that stories should push the word limit. In fact, I think a lot of Writeoff mini entries would be better served trimming their concepts and aiming for 400-500 good words instead of shaving their content in the struggle to get down to 750. But this? This is not one of them.
This already has an arc going in 450 words, and has some good description in the early bits, but then abruptly drops the atmosphere right when I was getting into it, and rushes through the meat of the conflict in a scant couple of lines. The couple's apparently stressed relationship especially comes out of nowhere. Yeah, "rushed" feels like the applicable overall descriptor (and I can sympathize with that, having finished my own entry in the final couple of hours.) I liked it, but dang, I'd like twice as much of it, y'know?
Usually minis struggle with getting down to the wordcount limit and trying to have a narrative arc instead of a single vivid concept, but this entry has the opposite issues. I do value narrative arc highly, so this won't go too low in my placements, but the obvious holes probably keep it a ways out of top tier. Thanks for writing!
That's not to say that stories should push the word limit. In fact, I think a lot of Writeoff mini entries would be better served trimming their concepts and aiming for 400-500 good words instead of shaving their content in the struggle to get down to 750. But this? This is not one of them.
This already has an arc going in 450 words, and has some good description in the early bits, but then abruptly drops the atmosphere right when I was getting into it, and rushes through the meat of the conflict in a scant couple of lines. The couple's apparently stressed relationship especially comes out of nowhere. Yeah, "rushed" feels like the applicable overall descriptor (and I can sympathize with that, having finished my own entry in the final couple of hours.) I liked it, but dang, I'd like twice as much of it, y'know?
Usually minis struggle with getting down to the wordcount limit and trying to have a narrative arc instead of a single vivid concept, but this entry has the opposite issues. I do value narrative arc highly, so this won't go too low in my placements, but the obvious holes probably keep it a ways out of top tier. Thanks for writing!
Not much to say that others haven't said already. You've got a solid core here, but it doesn't achieve its full potential.
Though their actions were clear, neither of the characters were very distinct, possibly due to having little time in the limelight to develop. You might want to consider starting it a little earlier to give them more depth and deliver some foreshadowing of the conflict.
Though their actions were clear, neither of the characters were very distinct, possibly due to having little time in the limelight to develop. You might want to consider starting it a little earlier to give them more depth and deliver some foreshadowing of the conflict.
Honestly, I'd like to point you at my critique of King Laius (>>AndrewRogue) as most of what I said regarding the MICE quotient applies here too.
Long story short, you start telling us one story, but you swerve pretty hard into another story at the end, leading to a relatively unsatisfying feel. Honestly, Dell ends up looking like an asshole because we are just suddenly informed about this apparent dissatisfaction and choice to utterly abandon her GF out of the blue.
Establish the actual conflict you're aiming for early, and close it out. Don't do a long lead in on minis, there just isn't space.
Long story short, you start telling us one story, but you swerve pretty hard into another story at the end, leading to a relatively unsatisfying feel. Honestly, Dell ends up looking like an asshole because we are just suddenly informed about this apparent dissatisfaction and choice to utterly abandon her GF out of the blue.
Establish the actual conflict you're aiming for early, and close it out. Don't do a long lead in on minis, there just isn't space.
I'm not going to be original here. You begin by what seems to be a lighthearted comedy with a pair of non-standard wizards conjuring up a non-standard demon, then out of left field the story veers towards the unforeshadowed conflict between the two "lovers" and ends. As others noted, it's a bit blunt.
At least you could've hinted before the spell casting that something was wrong. Like, you could've made the spell a sort of love spell meant to patch up their relation, but the girl picks up the wrong spell and conjures that demon instead, and then the guy is so furious he catches the opportunity of the spell to sneak away…
At least you could've hinted before the spell casting that something was wrong. Like, you could've made the spell a sort of love spell meant to patch up their relation, but the girl picks up the wrong spell and conjures that demon instead, and then the guy is so furious he catches the opportunity of the spell to sneak away…
I like this story.
The one issue I have is that the fact that Dell doesn't want to be in a relationship with Rachel has no foreshadowing, and I think it needs some. It seems strange she'd want to perform such an intimate ceremony if she feels that way toward her partner.
Also, the description of the demon is incorrect. It should be:
:pinkiehappy:
The one issue I have is that the fact that Dell doesn't want to be in a relationship with Rachel has no foreshadowing, and I think it needs some. It seems strange she'd want to perform such an intimate ceremony if she feels that way toward her partner.
Also, the description of the demon is incorrect. It should be:
Yep. Definitely, unmistakeably, a demon. Bouncing on four legs, the pink-colored equine figure with curly magenta mane and tail giggled through her adorable booplesnoot, wearing a passionate smile from ear to flicking ear. "I've already lost my soul, haven't I?" said Dell, though oddly enough, she didn't seem to mind anymore.
:pinkiehappy:
The sudden shift from comedic to dramatic at the end doesn't sit well with me. I hesitate to use the phrase 'emotional whiplash,' but it's the best I can think of.
The opening of this story was really good. Starting out all dramatic and then pulling a goofy twist halfway through was really funny, as it made this story feel unique (instead of a funny twist at the end, it's toward the middle). I also liked how this focused on (sort of) magic instead of the usual sci-fi perspectives that have largely filled this round.
However, the ending is kind of hard for me to enjoy. While the beginning used tone shifts effectively, the ending felt like the author had a sudden change of mood and just shoehorned in a depressing ending for some reason. I'm not saying that a shift like that can't work, but the way this was written didn't really sell me on the switchback to a dramatic story.
6/10, demons use Facebook just like you
However, the ending is kind of hard for me to enjoy. While the beginning used tone shifts effectively, the ending felt like the author had a sudden change of mood and just shoehorned in a depressing ending for some reason. I'm not saying that a shift like that can't work, but the way this was written didn't really sell me on the switchback to a dramatic story.
6/10, demons use Facebook just like you
Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who participated! Fun prompt, great round, I'll probably speak a bit more on that at the end here.
So when I said my entry was rushed... yeah... I meant really rushed. I spent 14+ hours of brainstorming and discarding ideas. Maybe an hour writing and revising and re-revising the first couple of paragraphs, trying to hit the right opening tone and pasting things back and forth to check word budget. And then looked at the clock, and, uh, oops, less than ten minutes left to deadline, time to race to 400! Oh no, title is a required field! Oh no, 0m00s! But thankfully, it was accepted anyway, and the grace period for revisions let me quickly add another ~50 words.
As you can see, the result was less than fantastic. I didn't expect this to make it out of prelims, and chalk that up to how tough and close the round was more than any inherent quality. On the other hand, I did get in the bare(st) skeleton framework I wanted to hit, and I need to work on writing speedily and under pressure, so in some ways it succeeded... maybe?
The main idea I wanted to hit here was a relationship conflict, where two people are fairly close, but still sort of in their honeymoon period, and some life changing opportunity or event comes along. One person's reaction is "Oh yes!" and the other's is "Oh no!" and what happens then? Dell was to have the slightly more sympathetic presentation, at least to me, but it should have been open enough that people with different values could reasonably side with Rachel and not want to go on a magical multiverse tour.
Of course, most of the shading and background got dropped on the floor during the mad dash. The middle section should have been a substantial conversation between the three characters, and given them all the opportunity to voice their thoughts and flesh themselves out. Rachel didn't expect the magic stuff to work, doesn't like change, and is actually reasonably happy with her life here, while Dell is the opposite, and took "all that wiccan nonsense" seriously. They'd figure that out, come to realize they weren't terribly compatible, reference Candide and have a better title playing on the idea of finding the best of all possible worlds, blah blah blah. But all of that was cut for time, so instead I wound up with a pokey skeleton where reader feedback saw everything from gender confusion to a depressing end to an outright abusive relationship - with both characters cast as the abuser by different readers. Whooooops.
Still a good exercise, though. I must've gone through fifty or sixty ideas that were all on the level of "good single concept or scene." Those basic ideas come very easily to my mind, but actually developing them into a story that goes somewhere and has conflict and arc, that's the hard part of the writing process, for me. So I'm glad I finally hit one that was able to grow. I'm mostly the opposite of >>Cassius over here, I grew up reading and experimenting with hard sci-fi, and tracing the "how" and "what" of a story is vital to me. Pure emotional response stuff is more difficult, at least on a longer scale. For example, I spent a fair bit of time on the opening to this piece, but still don't have a very good sense for whether it actually worked or was eyeroll-worthy purple nonsense. The comments seem to indicate it worked more than it didn't, though, so... yay?
As >>horizon says, Original Mini is lunatic mode, flaws are expected, and everyone's coming to the process from different places and perspectives. "We all learned something" is the best outcome for a round I could hope for.
>>libertydude
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ratlab
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Ferd Threstle
>>Fenton
>>Foehn
>>Gba500
Massive thanks to all of you!
Optimism, or, "Could be worse for ten minutes, maybe?"
So when I said my entry was rushed... yeah... I meant really rushed. I spent 14+ hours of brainstorming and discarding ideas. Maybe an hour writing and revising and re-revising the first couple of paragraphs, trying to hit the right opening tone and pasting things back and forth to check word budget. And then looked at the clock, and, uh, oops, less than ten minutes left to deadline, time to race to 400! Oh no, title is a required field! Oh no, 0m00s! But thankfully, it was accepted anyway, and the grace period for revisions let me quickly add another ~50 words.
As you can see, the result was less than fantastic. I didn't expect this to make it out of prelims, and chalk that up to how tough and close the round was more than any inherent quality. On the other hand, I did get in the bare(st) skeleton framework I wanted to hit, and I need to work on writing speedily and under pressure, so in some ways it succeeded... maybe?
The main idea I wanted to hit here was a relationship conflict, where two people are fairly close, but still sort of in their honeymoon period, and some life changing opportunity or event comes along. One person's reaction is "Oh yes!" and the other's is "Oh no!" and what happens then? Dell was to have the slightly more sympathetic presentation, at least to me, but it should have been open enough that people with different values could reasonably side with Rachel and not want to go on a magical multiverse tour.
Of course, most of the shading and background got dropped on the floor during the mad dash. The middle section should have been a substantial conversation between the three characters, and given them all the opportunity to voice their thoughts and flesh themselves out. Rachel didn't expect the magic stuff to work, doesn't like change, and is actually reasonably happy with her life here, while Dell is the opposite, and took "all that wiccan nonsense" seriously. They'd figure that out, come to realize they weren't terribly compatible, reference Candide and have a better title playing on the idea of finding the best of all possible worlds, blah blah blah. But all of that was cut for time, so instead I wound up with a pokey skeleton where reader feedback saw everything from gender confusion to a depressing end to an outright abusive relationship - with both characters cast as the abuser by different readers. Whooooops.
Still a good exercise, though. I must've gone through fifty or sixty ideas that were all on the level of "good single concept or scene." Those basic ideas come very easily to my mind, but actually developing them into a story that goes somewhere and has conflict and arc, that's the hard part of the writing process, for me. So I'm glad I finally hit one that was able to grow. I'm mostly the opposite of >>Cassius over here, I grew up reading and experimenting with hard sci-fi, and tracing the "how" and "what" of a story is vital to me. Pure emotional response stuff is more difficult, at least on a longer scale. For example, I spent a fair bit of time on the opening to this piece, but still don't have a very good sense for whether it actually worked or was eyeroll-worthy purple nonsense. The comments seem to indicate it worked more than it didn't, though, so... yay?
As >>horizon says, Original Mini is lunatic mode, flaws are expected, and everyone's coming to the process from different places and perspectives. "We all learned something" is the best outcome for a round I could hope for.
>>libertydude
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ratlab
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Ferd Threstle
>>Fenton
>>Foehn
>>Gba500
Massive thanks to all of you!