Originality--overrated. You had a simple story and you told it well. I felt the awkwardness, the bitterness, Steven's hesitation. It flowed nicely. Good work!

I also don't think the reason for the separation is important. In a longer, more complex story, yes, it would matter. Here, I don't think so. This is the story of a single moment, an awkward, sad, frustrating moment. I think most people can feel the emotion whether they the know specific reason or not because this scene depicts something we've all experienced on some level or another.

Poor Rachel. Lost her boyfriend and her mirror.

Nice work! It has good twist, which makes me wish we got to spend more time seeing Rachel wrestle with her dysphoria. I get this competition doesn't give you much room for that kind of thing. But if you wrote more, I'd read it.