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My Pinkie Pie Moment
They say that the distance between two stars is determined by the difference in length of Celestia's first and last yawn of the day. I do not believe that theory. With the amount of visible stars in the sky, it would take the Princess a million million days of yawning—a feat that even her immortality wouldn't allow. And even if she could, which two stars are the ones she'd yawn at? Of the nearly endless stars, does she choose two at random every day? Or does she—
"Good morning, Gummi! Did you sleep well? I slept well! I dreamt of Rarity, and ice cream monsters, and bowling balls..."
The voice of chaos invaded my mind. Six forty-five—seven minutes earlier than the overall average. When I took her as my pet I thought she'd help with my work; as the wise say "a pinch of chaos is the catalyst of a learned mind." Even the great gator Archimedes made his most notable discovery thanks to his Eureka moment.
"I know! How about you have a bath? I'll go and make it extra bubbly!"
Alas, unlike Archimedes I didn't have an Eureka. Instead, I had a Pinkie Pie. In the folly of my youth I equated the amount of chaos to the greatness of the discovery. Now I have to live with that miscalculation.
"Aaaaah!" Pinkie Pie inhaled half the air in the room, transforming into her very own species of Tetraodontidae. "I just had a great idea! I'll bake Rarity a bowling ball cake! Do you want to help me with the recipe?"
There was a time I'd say no, or try to struggle, even bite if needed. All to no avail. Trying to change Pinkie Pie's mind was like using hay to put out a fire. I suppose one could achieve that provided a sufficiently large amount of hay. Interesting, how many straws of hay would it take to put out a one-room fire? Going by the classical theories, the volume of the fire cubed should be enough, which roughly speaking would be the size of a barn.
"Psst, Gummi, can you keep a secret?" The pony stuck her face onto mine. I tried not to flinch. Years of experience had taught me that if I ignored her hard enough she'd go away. "I think Rarity's starting to notice I have a crush on her."
More useless pony drama. Cruel, cruel fate. I, who had ten times the mind of Archimedes, was kept from swimming the sea of knowledge by the very pet I had chosen to inspire me. Meanwhile, that hack Owlowiscious reaped the rewards of his pet becoming an alicorn.
"I knew I could count on you to keep a secret!" Pinkie Pie winked. I had no idea why. "Now you just start the batter while I go to buy some bowling balls, okay?" She put a whisk in my mouth. "Slow and steady, remember?"
I ignored her and she left. The sounds of the tune she hummed lingered on for a few seconds more before hurrying away after her. Finally, I was alone. The chaos had dissipated, leaving my mind sharp to tackle—
Pinkie Pie! I shouted on the inside. Of course! How could I be so blind! The distance between two stars could be calculated based on the wavelength of their songs and the time it took them to reach the observer. It was so obvious! Science would finally move beyond the arcane concept of quantum-yawning and reach new heights. Our understanding of the star carpet would grow by immeasurable amounts. Although, if the sky is a carpet and the stars aren't as close to each other as we thought, what would the angle of the neighbouring wrinkles—
"Gummi!" Pinkie Pie's head popped through the kitchen window. "I almost forgot! Do you want me to buy you anything while I'm out?"
My muscles froze. The ball of euphoria gathered inside me vanished like a puff of smoke.
Just ignore her. I told myself. Ignore her and she will go away...
"Good morning, Gummi! Did you sleep well? I slept well! I dreamt of Rarity, and ice cream monsters, and bowling balls..."
The voice of chaos invaded my mind. Six forty-five—seven minutes earlier than the overall average. When I took her as my pet I thought she'd help with my work; as the wise say "a pinch of chaos is the catalyst of a learned mind." Even the great gator Archimedes made his most notable discovery thanks to his Eureka moment.
"I know! How about you have a bath? I'll go and make it extra bubbly!"
Alas, unlike Archimedes I didn't have an Eureka. Instead, I had a Pinkie Pie. In the folly of my youth I equated the amount of chaos to the greatness of the discovery. Now I have to live with that miscalculation.
"Aaaaah!" Pinkie Pie inhaled half the air in the room, transforming into her very own species of Tetraodontidae. "I just had a great idea! I'll bake Rarity a bowling ball cake! Do you want to help me with the recipe?"
There was a time I'd say no, or try to struggle, even bite if needed. All to no avail. Trying to change Pinkie Pie's mind was like using hay to put out a fire. I suppose one could achieve that provided a sufficiently large amount of hay. Interesting, how many straws of hay would it take to put out a one-room fire? Going by the classical theories, the volume of the fire cubed should be enough, which roughly speaking would be the size of a barn.
"Psst, Gummi, can you keep a secret?" The pony stuck her face onto mine. I tried not to flinch. Years of experience had taught me that if I ignored her hard enough she'd go away. "I think Rarity's starting to notice I have a crush on her."
More useless pony drama. Cruel, cruel fate. I, who had ten times the mind of Archimedes, was kept from swimming the sea of knowledge by the very pet I had chosen to inspire me. Meanwhile, that hack Owlowiscious reaped the rewards of his pet becoming an alicorn.
"I knew I could count on you to keep a secret!" Pinkie Pie winked. I had no idea why. "Now you just start the batter while I go to buy some bowling balls, okay?" She put a whisk in my mouth. "Slow and steady, remember?"
I ignored her and she left. The sounds of the tune she hummed lingered on for a few seconds more before hurrying away after her. Finally, I was alone. The chaos had dissipated, leaving my mind sharp to tackle—
Pinkie Pie! I shouted on the inside. Of course! How could I be so blind! The distance between two stars could be calculated based on the wavelength of their songs and the time it took them to reach the observer. It was so obvious! Science would finally move beyond the arcane concept of quantum-yawning and reach new heights. Our understanding of the star carpet would grow by immeasurable amounts. Although, if the sky is a carpet and the stars aren't as close to each other as we thought, what would the angle of the neighbouring wrinkles—
"Gummi!" Pinkie Pie's head popped through the kitchen window. "I almost forgot! Do you want me to buy you anything while I'm out?"
My muscles froze. The ball of euphoria gathered inside me vanished like a puff of smoke.
Just ignore her. I told myself. Ignore her and she will go away...
Okay, one complaint. Too direct on the prompt in the last line.
But beyond that, this is great! It captures that weird introspective voice of Gummi perfectly, and the interruptions only enhance the accuracy. I could hear it perfectly in my mind, see Gummi slowly licking one eye even though that wasn't described. Having Pinkie be a chosen "pet" and a catalyst is also brilliant. The role reversal works, and the rest falls into place. Very witty and well written throughout!
But beyond that, this is great! It captures that weird introspective voice of Gummi perfectly, and the interruptions only enhance the accuracy. I could hear it perfectly in my mind, see Gummi slowly licking one eye even though that wasn't described. Having Pinkie be a chosen "pet" and a catalyst is also brilliant. The role reversal works, and the rest falls into place. Very witty and well written throughout!
Gummi's voice works well here, though it took me surprisingly long to realize who it actually was.
Weird nitpicks: "the volume of the fire cubed" fell on its face for me specifically because the dimensional analysis doesn't work out and it slides back from "cartoon nonsense" into "bland mistake" territory in impression. If you'd said "a nine-dimensional barn" it would've worked though. Or "a six-dimensional barn", if you like the alternative implication. The quantum yawning and the star carpet work better in context, but the yawn differential idea gets too disjoint because it leaves variables dangling: which stars, which days?
Too heavy on the prompt in the last line; I think it'd do better with something more implicit.
"a pinch of chaos is the catalyst of a learned mind.": yes.
Weird nitpicks: "the volume of the fire cubed" fell on its face for me specifically because the dimensional analysis doesn't work out and it slides back from "cartoon nonsense" into "bland mistake" territory in impression. If you'd said "a nine-dimensional barn" it would've worked though. Or "a six-dimensional barn", if you like the alternative implication. The quantum yawning and the star carpet work better in context, but the yawn differential idea gets too disjoint because it leaves variables dangling: which stars, which days?
Too heavy on the prompt in the last line; I think it'd do better with something more implicit.
"a pinch of chaos is the catalyst of a learned mind.": yes.
Gummy's existential monologue was one of my favorite gags in Slice of Life, which was otherwise pretty hit and miss for me. This captures the spirit of that little gag, and reinterprets it a little in a surprising way. Gummy secretly detesting Pinkie Pie, and having a rivalry with at least one of the other pets in the show, is an amusing direction to take him.
While the story itself is pretty solid, and while Gummy's great, the choice to ship Pinkie with Rarity at the end feels... cheap? Kind of intrusive, to be honest. Like a tacked-on detail inserted to justify Pinkie randomly baking a cake for one of her friends.
She does that shit for all of them; it's just kinda who she is. I don't think it matters whether or not she has kokoro-dokis for them.
While the story itself is pretty solid, and while Gummy's great, the choice to ship Pinkie with Rarity at the end feels... cheap? Kind of intrusive, to be honest. Like a tacked-on detail inserted to justify Pinkie randomly baking a cake for one of her friends.
She does that shit for all of them; it's just kinda who she is. I don't think it matters whether or not she has kokoro-dokis for them.
Cute, funny, and clever! This one's definitely going towards the top of my slate.
Gummy's voicing throughout the whole thing is strong and downright interesting, which made engaging with the piece as a whole very easy. And you've managed to sprinkle in a lot of little gems that make the reader feel like this fic was worth the read. But honestly, I will have to parrot some of our other reviewers in that the last line definitely sticks out a tad too much. Leaving us to end things with a prompt drop wasn't the best move, in my opinion, just cause it makes everything that came before it feel like a set-up.
Still, hiccup or not, this was a bunch of fun!
Gummy's voicing throughout the whole thing is strong and downright interesting, which made engaging with the piece as a whole very easy. And you've managed to sprinkle in a lot of little gems that make the reader feel like this fic was worth the read. But honestly, I will have to parrot some of our other reviewers in that the last line definitely sticks out a tad too much. Leaving us to end things with a prompt drop wasn't the best move, in my opinion, just cause it makes everything that came before it feel like a set-up.
Still, hiccup or not, this was a bunch of fun!
I'm not sure I can share the enthusiasm of the comments that have already been made here. I was surprised to find that I didn't find the role reversal aspect overly engaging, and Gummi's musings became tired quite quickly. I can't quite put my finger on exactly why it felt that way, which is really annoying as I would want to at least try and offer something more constructive. I'll be sure to give it some more thought.
Then again, maybe it's personal bias... I was never a fan of that original skit in the first place.
Don't let my opinion take anything away from the fact that this is solid execution and a clever premise though. I'll have plenty of time to think on that earlier critique, as this will no doubt make finals.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Then again, maybe it's personal bias... I was never a fan of that original skit in the first place.
Don't let my opinion take anything away from the fact that this is solid execution and a clever premise though. I'll have plenty of time to think on that earlier critique, as this will no doubt make finals.
Thanks for sharing your work.
This was another story I enjoyed. I've been in your "shoes" little alligator. Add 250 words and should I find it I'll fave the hell out of it.
Hm. Hm. So I'm torn. I had fun with this and the snobby voice of Gummi is enjoyable, but I don't think it is quite philosophy enough or quite science enough, stranding it in this odd place where I'm kinda unsure what to make of Gummi. Is he actually an intelligent creature being held back, or is he truly a mad thing?
Also, in circumstances like this, I kinda wonder why he doesn't just leave? Always a problem with two sapient creatures, and I don't see a reason for him to stay (unlike, I dunno, super-intelligent Waddles in Gravity Falls).
Also, in circumstances like this, I kinda wonder why he doesn't just leave? Always a problem with two sapient creatures, and I don't see a reason for him to stay (unlike, I dunno, super-intelligent Waddles in Gravity Falls).
This is a very interesting piece, seeing as it shows Gummi as some sort of super-genius intellectual trying to puzzle out the secrets of the universe while having to endure Pinkie Pie's randomness. It thought it was very well written, and some of the bits – such as Gummi seeing Owlowiscious as some sort of 'hack with connections' – I found very enjoyable. It also very much follows the prompt, to the point that you might want to tone down the prompt-dropping a little (though maybe not, since in this case it'd be understandable if Gummi had turned the words into a mantra).
As for nitpicks, I'll have to agree that the Pinkie/Rarity thing is a little out of place; I don't have a personal problem with it, it just doesn't do anything for the story. And, like some others have said, if Pinkie aggravates Gummi that much, why doesn't he leave? (Or can't he leave...?)
Anyway, very good and thanks for sharing!
As for nitpicks, I'll have to agree that the Pinkie/Rarity thing is a little out of place; I don't have a personal problem with it, it just doesn't do anything for the story. And, like some others have said, if Pinkie aggravates Gummi that much, why doesn't he leave? (Or can't he leave...?)
Anyway, very good and thanks for sharing!
Even the great gator Archimedes made his most notable discovery thanks to his Eureka moment.
"I know! How about you have a bath? I'll go and make it extra bubbly!"
This part is great. It's an obvious reference to the that Archimedes-Eureka-bathtub story, and it implies that maybe Pinkie can understand Gummy to some extent, or at least that they're on the same wavelength. I really wish that you had kept that idea in the rest of Pinkie's interruptions.
There's a conspicuous lack of Opal in here too. It seems natural that Gummy would have something to say about her, since Pinkie is talking about Rarity. It might have been better to change Pinkie's crush from Rarity to Twilight just so you could reinforce the rivalry with Owlowiscious. You probably could have pulled something like that off in 75 words.
And why did you spell Gummy's name with an I?
Overall, I think the story is interesting, but not particularly exciting. I think it will end up in the high-middle area of my slate.
Finalists, why not, bottom up.
This, like many other entries this round, can be summarized as an exploration of a single idea rather than a full fledged narrative. It does its one thing and that's it. I figured out the gimmick by around the third paragraph, and interest plateaued and steadily declined after that.
To the piece's credit, the one thing is done fairly well. Gumi has a very nice voice (and works especially well when complementing Miku) and works all right as a character in vacuum. The prose is adept and the jokes at least mildly entertaining.
I'm looking for a bit more in a finalist entry, though. Ultimately our protagonist is just sitting there contemplating things, and nothing happens. I know that in itself is kind of a joke, given the character, but ehn... this could've been more. Give him a little intrigue, some purpose to the musings other than providing a somewhat-funny-rambling-stream-of-consciousness to readers. Voice and characterization are there, now make a plot and use them to take this to the next level. Not going to go terribly high on my finals slate, but I can see why this made it this far. Thanks for writing!
This, like many other entries this round, can be summarized as an exploration of a single idea rather than a full fledged narrative. It does its one thing and that's it. I figured out the gimmick by around the third paragraph, and interest plateaued and steadily declined after that.
To the piece's credit, the one thing is done fairly well. Gumi has a very nice voice (and works especially well when complementing Miku) and works all right as a character in vacuum. The prose is adept and the jokes at least mildly entertaining.
I'm looking for a bit more in a finalist entry, though. Ultimately our protagonist is just sitting there contemplating things, and nothing happens. I know that in itself is kind of a joke, given the character, but ehn... this could've been more. Give him a little intrigue, some purpose to the musings other than providing a somewhat-funny-rambling-stream-of-consciousness to readers. Voice and characterization are there, now make a plot and use them to take this to the next level. Not going to go terribly high on my finals slate, but I can see why this made it this far. Thanks for writing!
Hmmm… On the one hand I like Gummy’s stream of consciousness. I’m not sure I like him as a super genius because I can’t bring myself to think why he sticks with Pinkie, given that all she does is interfere with his thoughts. Why doesn’t he leave?
I’m also reluctant to condone your weird reasoning about star distance. I know it’s absurd of course, but I’m not sold on that concept. I mean, I don’t see the point of bringing Celestia into the formula. It doesn’t come across as very funny to me.
All in all, reasonably well written and I salute the reversal in point of view (though it has been done before) but not much else besides.
I’m also reluctant to condone your weird reasoning about star distance. I know it’s absurd of course, but I’m not sold on that concept. I mean, I don’t see the point of bringing Celestia into the formula. It doesn’t come across as very funny to me.
All in all, reasonably well written and I salute the reversal in point of view (though it has been done before) but not much else besides.