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Lament
Autumnal branches scratch the midnight sky,
Ensnaring clouds, diaphanous above.
Exsanguinated moonlight drifting by
Illumines moaning words of absent love.
"They're gone, they're gone..." The figure, shadow drenched,
Emits the scent of dusty, damned despair.
"Before, my lantern's wick was never quenched,
And vernal laughter danced the very air.
"But now"—the voice a sob of silk and sand—
"Forgotten, tossed aside, bereaved, despised,
A child's toy. Abandon wonderland!
Prosaic life demands the undersized!"
The ghost of rhyme departs, her metered tread
Forever lost to ears engorged with dread.
Ensnaring clouds, diaphanous above.
Exsanguinated moonlight drifting by
Illumines moaning words of absent love.
"They're gone, they're gone..." The figure, shadow drenched,
Emits the scent of dusty, damned despair.
"Before, my lantern's wick was never quenched,
And vernal laughter danced the very air.
"But now"—the voice a sob of silk and sand—
"Forgotten, tossed aside, bereaved, despised,
A child's toy. Abandon wonderland!
Prosaic life demands the undersized!"
The ghost of rhyme departs, her metered tread
Forever lost to ears engorged with dread.
Genre: Sweet, Sweet Prose
The Shakespearen sonnet is a beautiful thing, which I was actually going to enter originally. It is characterized by its theme of love, whether eternal or tragic, and the shift in the couplet called a volta.
I can see the theme of love throughout, for the woman is lamenting her lost love, and I can see the volta, or reveal of who the woman is in the couplets and the melancholy departure of her. You’ve done the sonnet a great service. Beautifully put together.
I, however, had a problem with some of the words in the last quatrain. They began to blend together and I couldn’t quite grasp what was going on. I think that might be a me problem, though.
Best line: “the voice a sob of silk and sand”
The Shakespearen sonnet is a beautiful thing, which I was actually going to enter originally. It is characterized by its theme of love, whether eternal or tragic, and the shift in the couplet called a volta.
I can see the theme of love throughout, for the woman is lamenting her lost love, and I can see the volta, or reveal of who the woman is in the couplets and the melancholy departure of her. You’ve done the sonnet a great service. Beautifully put together.
I, however, had a problem with some of the words in the last quatrain. They began to blend together and I couldn’t quite grasp what was going on. I think that might be a me problem, though.
Best line: “the voice a sob of silk and sand”
Exsanguinated moonlight
This poem is best-read when listening to Bauhaus. Specifically, Who Killed Mr. Moonlight.
You've turned some very nice phrases, and if I interpret the meaning correctly (which I probably didn't), you're talking about how the prompt is making people abandon rhymed verse.
I like this and will rank it highly, but I'm a stickler for form, when one is chosen, and I have some of the same complaints I did about iambic pentameter in the last poetry round. Again, I'm going to use bold caps as hard stress, regular caps as light stress, and lower-case as unstressed.
diaphanous: normally pronounced di-APH-AN-ous, but has to be di-APH-an-OUS to fit the meter here.
Exsanguinated: ex-SAN-GUIN-A-ted versus ex-SAN-guin-A-ted
shadow drenched: SHA-DOW drenched versus SHA-dow DRENCHED
wonderland: WON-DER-land versus WON-der-LAND
undersized: UN-DER-sized versus UN-der-SIZED
Lastly, it would require "child's" to be read as two syllables.
Agreed with >>Anon Y Mous in that toward the end, it gets abstract enough that it's harder to follow what it means.
It's harder to swallow more egregious places where, for example, the meter requires an unstressed syllable where a normal pronunciation uses stressed, so you're on the more forgivable side, but it's still a question of whether you want something that just meets the threshold of working or whether you want something flawless.
On the whole, though, nice sonnet form, great diction, and I like the message.
I like this and will rank it highly, but I'm a stickler for form, when one is chosen, and I have some of the same complaints I did about iambic pentameter in the last poetry round. Again, I'm going to use bold caps as hard stress, regular caps as light stress, and lower-case as unstressed.
diaphanous: normally pronounced di-APH-AN-ous, but has to be di-APH-an-OUS to fit the meter here.
Exsanguinated: ex-SAN-GUIN-A-ted versus ex-SAN-guin-A-ted
shadow drenched: SHA-DOW drenched versus SHA-dow DRENCHED
wonderland: WON-DER-land versus WON-der-LAND
undersized: UN-DER-sized versus UN-der-SIZED
Lastly, it would require "child's" to be read as two syllables.
Agreed with >>Anon Y Mous in that toward the end, it gets abstract enough that it's harder to follow what it means.
It's harder to swallow more egregious places where, for example, the meter requires an unstressed syllable where a normal pronunciation uses stressed, so you're on the more forgivable side, but it's still a question of whether you want something that just meets the threshold of working or whether you want something flawless.
On the whole, though, nice sonnet form, great diction, and I like the message.
It took me an embarrassing amount of time before I realized this was a sonnet, but as soon as I figured it out, you won a helluva lota brownie points from me. I really like the mood of this one, especially the way the last couplet ties the abstract together with the concrete imagery that the rest of the piece showcases.
I will have to note, though, that I agree with >>Pascoite's thoughts regarding the meter and stresses. Once I knew I was reading iambic pentameter, it was easier to "force" the sounds to work. But I have to admit that before I realized this was a sonnet, I was pretty lost in trying to tease out the meter.
Other than that, though, I think I like pretty much everything else. Your word choice is moody and evocative, and the "story" of the piece is a good, cozy fit for a sonnet's format.
I will have to note, though, that I agree with >>Pascoite's thoughts regarding the meter and stresses. Once I knew I was reading iambic pentameter, it was easier to "force" the sounds to work. But I have to admit that before I realized this was a sonnet, I was pretty lost in trying to tease out the meter.
Other than that, though, I think I like pretty much everything else. Your word choice is moody and evocative, and the "story" of the piece is a good, cozy fit for a sonnet's format.
Seconding everyone else's thoughts on the meter. This was a nice sonnet that I enjoyed.
I'm gonna give a horrible guess that this is a meta entry. Am I correct? xP
Pretty good overall. Definitely near the top of my slate.
I'm gonna give a horrible guess that this is a meta entry. Am I correct? xP
Pretty good overall. Definitely near the top of my slate.
>>Anon Y Mous
>>No_Raisin
>>LoftyWithers
>>Pascoite
>>Bachiavellian
>>_Moonshot
Thanks, folks, and congrats to our other medalists!
But yeah, this was me trying to answer the question of the prompt--"Why doesn't poetry rhyme anymore"--without actually having an answer. Most rhyming for the past century or so has been in children's books or popular songs, so maybe poets see it as essentially unsuited for anything serious nowadays? I don't know.
Part of the rhythm problems came from me trying to use as few words as possible. The maximum number of words a sonnet can have, after all, is 140: 14 lines at 10 syllables each means, if you used only one-syllable words... In my own mind, I've set 70 as the minimum--a sonnet made of all two-syllable words--but I've never come close to reaching that goal. So I force words like "diaphanous" into iambic pentameter when they really have no business being there... :)
As for some of the other words, well, my Random House College Dictionary puts the hard accent for "wonderland" and "undersized" on the first syllable, shows the middle syllable as unstressed, and puts the soft accent on the last syllable. So once again--as with "realized" in the last contest--I'll go with the reference material I've got on hand and stick with what I wrote. "Child," though, yeah, that's one syllable and definitely needs a rewrite... :)
Thanks again!
Mike
>>No_Raisin
>>LoftyWithers
>>Pascoite
>>Bachiavellian
>>_Moonshot
Thanks, folks, and congrats to our other medalists!
But yeah, this was me trying to answer the question of the prompt--"Why doesn't poetry rhyme anymore"--without actually having an answer. Most rhyming for the past century or so has been in children's books or popular songs, so maybe poets see it as essentially unsuited for anything serious nowadays? I don't know.
Part of the rhythm problems came from me trying to use as few words as possible. The maximum number of words a sonnet can have, after all, is 140: 14 lines at 10 syllables each means, if you used only one-syllable words... In my own mind, I've set 70 as the minimum--a sonnet made of all two-syllable words--but I've never come close to reaching that goal. So I force words like "diaphanous" into iambic pentameter when they really have no business being there... :)
As for some of the other words, well, my Random House College Dictionary puts the hard accent for "wonderland" and "undersized" on the first syllable, shows the middle syllable as unstressed, and puts the soft accent on the last syllable. So once again--as with "realized" in the last contest--I'll go with the reference material I've got on hand and stick with what I wrote. "Child," though, yeah, that's one syllable and definitely needs a rewrite... :)
Thanks again!
Mike