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Ah, a villanelle, probably my favorite form. They're not required to have a meter, but this one is a common one to use for it when a poet decides to. Rhyme and meter all conform well.
In the end, I couldn't follow what happened. The narrator finds this strange man building a statue. But then I get what seems to be conflicting information. The narrator says he didn't know at the time that this man had a sordid past, so he must have lived on after this encounter. But the sculptor says "your flesh," an apparent threat to the narrator. As an aside, I guess the speaker changes for each of the last three stanzas, not that it matters much. It wouldn't help my understanding either way. So does the sculptor mean the narrator becomes his monument just by witnessing it? That's the only explanation I can think of, but there's no context as to whether it plays out this way. The narrator doesn't cite any long-term effects beyond a matter-of-fact recollection of the event, so I don't know what conclusion to draw.
In the end, I couldn't follow what happened. The narrator finds this strange man building a statue. But then I get what seems to be conflicting information. The narrator says he didn't know at the time that this man had a sordid past, so he must have lived on after this encounter. But the sculptor says "your flesh," an apparent threat to the narrator. As an aside, I guess the speaker changes for each of the last three stanzas, not that it matters much. It wouldn't help my understanding either way. So does the sculptor mean the narrator becomes his monument just by witnessing it? That's the only explanation I can think of, but there's no context as to whether it plays out this way. The narrator doesn't cite any long-term effects beyond a matter-of-fact recollection of the event, so I don't know what conclusion to draw.
I like the structure of this. The rhymes are all good, and the only bump in meter is the assumption that people pronounce "boiling" with 3 syllables, which really should be 2, though it's a little of a mouthful, so kind of 2 1/2. Poets often avoid such words to keep the meter from being dependent on the reader.
There's not a grand point being made, but I like the way it works its way up from the most basic ingredients to the finished product.
Tough call voting on these. This one has a more concrete (heh) story, but the other feels more consequential, for all that I don't understand what those consequences are. Both are technically solid, though the other attempts a tougher form.
There's not a grand point being made, but I like the way it works its way up from the most basic ingredients to the finished product.
Tough call voting on these. This one has a more concrete (heh) story, but the other feels more consequential, for all that I don't understand what those consequences are. Both are technically solid, though the other attempts a tougher form.
I very much adore the frequent internal rhymes (and near rhymes). Felt like everything rolled right off the tongue.
Except "boiling" - that threw me off as well.
Overall a cozy image and a pleasure to read.
Except "boiling" - that threw me off as well.
Overall a cozy image and a pleasure to read.
>>Pascoite
Thanks so much for the feedback! I've already reworked some of the weaker lines in my own version to strengthen the intended meaning, but I wouldn't have been able to see it without hearing from you. I appreciate your taking time to break down some of the areas that need work here.
Thanks so much for the feedback! I've already reworked some of the weaker lines in my own version to strengthen the intended meaning, but I wouldn't have been able to see it without hearing from you. I appreciate your taking time to break down some of the areas that need work here.
This one reminded me much of a line-palindromic poem by J. A. Lindon, which I only found online at the top of this page: "As I Was Passing Near the Jail." I enjoyed the incantatory force and spookiness of your piece, though as with Pascoite I did not feel I could fully derive its intent.
>>Pascoite, >>Corinna, >>MosesDuchek
Building the Wall
Thank you for the gold and the kind comments, and 'grats to MosesDuchek for a strong start!
I got the rhythm of this in my mind before I had any words to fit into it, and what flowed most naturally into the mold was a miniature discourse on brickmaking. I wrote mostly to the sound of it and though it did not come to any earth-shaking conclusion, I hope it was pleasant to read along the way.
I shall likely amend "boiling" to "bubbling" in future revisions, among some other tweaks.
Building the Wall
Thank you for the gold and the kind comments, and 'grats to MosesDuchek for a strong start!
I got the rhythm of this in my mind before I had any words to fit into it, and what flowed most naturally into the mold was a miniature discourse on brickmaking. I wrote mostly to the sound of it and though it did not come to any earth-shaking conclusion, I hope it was pleasant to read along the way.
I shall likely amend "boiling" to "bubbling" in future revisions, among some other tweaks.