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A fun little scene, enhanced by the swaying rhythm between pairs of line endings. Excellent choice!
I also adore how the "sidestep and slip" line steps out of the default metre and trips me up while reading.
I also adore how the "sidestep and slip" line steps out of the default metre and trips me up while reading.
It's short and to the point. While I wouldn't call it energetic by any means, I feel like there's something building throughout, then unloading within the last two lines. Charge and discharge. Nice.
This doesn't really give me a clear impression. If I had to describe it, I'd say like staring out of a window and waiting for something. A bit melancholy.
But mostly I feel like I don't get it.
But mostly I feel like I don't get it.
Honestly, I didn't really connect with this one at all. Makes a bit more sense now, knowing it's set in an antique shop, cause I don't think I've ever set foot in one and I struggle to think of any memory even loosely related to any old-ish shop or something like it.
The structure with these indented lines was nice, but it felt more novelty-like to me than like one part of a whole. Though that's probably due to me not really seeing any bigger picture, any whole.
What I'm taking away from this one is pretty much: you and I probably have really different experiences and interests.
The structure with these indented lines was nice, but it felt more novelty-like to me than like one part of a whole. Though that's probably due to me not really seeing any bigger picture, any whole.
What I'm taking away from this one is pretty much: you and I probably have really different experiences and interests.
I'd never even have considered submitting a comment on a different poem myself. Much less without rhyme or rhythm of its own (they're just too much fun imo)
But you present a quite lovely idea, and did it in a way that somehow feels beautiful to me.
But you present a quite lovely idea, and did it in a way that somehow feels beautiful to me.
>>Pascoite
Was a bit sad, seeing only one prompt, especially since it didn't speak to me much. But I missed prompt submission this time. Guess I mostly got myself to blame.
My one line of thought that felt both somewhat interesting and somewhat connected to the prompt went like this:
blind + silent → see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil → the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing → geese are evil
..and that's the whole joke.
Also I couldn't think of any way to improve the rhythm without making the poem longer. Felt that wasn't worth it.
Was a bit sad, seeing only one prompt, especially since it didn't speak to me much. But I missed prompt submission this time. Guess I mostly got myself to blame.
My one line of thought that felt both somewhat interesting and somewhat connected to the prompt went like this:
blind + silent → see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil → the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing → geese are evil
..and that's the whole joke.
Also I couldn't think of any way to improve the rhythm without making the poem longer. Felt that wasn't worth it.
I really like the bone clone poem.
Can't put my finger on why, but there's something joyful in this "my friend the skeleton" idea. The childish-pure kind. At least to me.
As far as negatives go, the fourth stanza felt weaker than the others to me. I'm not convinced the poem would lose more than it'd gain by cutting it.
Can't put my finger on why, but there's something joyful in this "my friend the skeleton" idea. The childish-pure kind. At least to me.
As far as negatives go, the fourth stanza felt weaker than the others to me. I'm not convinced the poem would lose more than it'd gain by cutting it.
From this, I'm picturing a traumatized person waking from a nightmare. But not all the way - they're still half trapped in haunting memories.
They know they're in a dark place, and I particularly liked how they try to make light of it - the ice cream bit alone would've clashed with the overall mood, I think, but the "My life is a bust / Wish it was a joke" lines turn it into a piece of the whole.
Rhythm-wise the poem felt disoriented at times - which fit really well, in my opninion. For me, that worked best in the lines from "Feels like my, head stops, ..." to "... the blood was bad, guilt"
In that section, I read commas as brief pauses, which added to the effect. I didn't in the rest of the poem. Wouldn't have felt right.
Maybe a tiny bit of that disoriented feel also came from the lack of full stops between sentences, but I think that mostly made it confusing. In a way that felt like it wasn't deliberate and didn't add to the overall picture.
They know they're in a dark place, and I particularly liked how they try to make light of it - the ice cream bit alone would've clashed with the overall mood, I think, but the "My life is a bust / Wish it was a joke" lines turn it into a piece of the whole.
Rhythm-wise the poem felt disoriented at times - which fit really well, in my opninion. For me, that worked best in the lines from "Feels like my, head stops, ..." to "... the blood was bad, guilt"
In that section, I read commas as brief pauses, which added to the effect. I didn't in the rest of the poem. Wouldn't have felt right.
Maybe a tiny bit of that disoriented feel also came from the lack of full stops between sentences, but I think that mostly made it confusing. In a way that felt like it wasn't deliberate and didn't add to the overall picture.
I adore this.
It feels so cozy, resigned but not disheartened.
Technically proficient. Not especially complex or impressive because it doesn't try to be.
Just enough to catch my whim for a moment, then fade into the sky.
At least that's my impression.
It feels so cozy, resigned but not disheartened.
Technically proficient. Not especially complex or impressive because it doesn't try to be.
Just enough to catch my whim for a moment, then fade into the sky.
At least that's my impression.
This started as playful impro and turned self-exploratory. I love dense rhyme schemes, so I collected a bunch of phrases and impressions with loads of internal rhymes, looked for a common thread, expanded on it, and tried to stitch everything together into one interwoven mess.
The plan was to build a window into a mind that tries to know and mold itself, where understanding is a best-effort-kinda deal, and the "right" interpretation a matter of choice. In my head, I pictured a journey through a dark corridor towards the light at the end. A journey of growth, that's almost complete.
Sounds like the vibe somewhat came through, and details didn't. I'll take it.
I had a good time and learned a lot - thank you so much for your feedback and comments!
>>Troposphere
I'm glad to read you found it difficult to make out how the pieces fit together - I think at some point I even removed a bit of punctuation to put more combinations on a more equal footing - but I see I hadn't even considered that there's really no reason for the reader to pick an interpretation and roll with it. Nothing else would make more or a different kind of sense if they did. The number one thing I could've done better is spend more effort on making everything make sense to others. I knew this was an issue since I usually write for myself, if at all, but I wasn't aware of just how much I'd expected others to think like me.
>>Pascoite
When I first put my poem into the submission form I had it as ABACABABAC DD. Stared at it for a good while and thought about cutting it down to 2xABAC DD or swapping sections around to have an alternating rhyme in the first half of each line as well. But I didn't find an arrangement I liked, and also couldn't think of any benefit of keeping to any consistent rhyme scheme (not that I'd know any.)
The plan was to build a window into a mind that tries to know and mold itself, where understanding is a best-effort-kinda deal, and the "right" interpretation a matter of choice. In my head, I pictured a journey through a dark corridor towards the light at the end. A journey of growth, that's almost complete.
Sounds like the vibe somewhat came through, and details didn't. I'll take it.
I had a good time and learned a lot - thank you so much for your feedback and comments!
>>Troposphere
I'm glad to read you found it difficult to make out how the pieces fit together - I think at some point I even removed a bit of punctuation to put more combinations on a more equal footing - but I see I hadn't even considered that there's really no reason for the reader to pick an interpretation and roll with it. Nothing else would make more or a different kind of sense if they did. The number one thing I could've done better is spend more effort on making everything make sense to others. I knew this was an issue since I usually write for myself, if at all, but I wasn't aware of just how much I'd expected others to think like me.
>>Pascoite
When I first put my poem into the submission form I had it as ABACABABAC DD. Stared at it for a good while and thought about cutting it down to 2xABAC DD or swapping sections around to have an alternating rhyme in the first half of each line as well. But I didn't find an arrangement I liked, and also couldn't think of any benefit of keeping to any consistent rhyme scheme (not that I'd know any.)