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Like the recent short story event, I'm sorry i was out of town and not able to comment/vote before the deadline.
Hm, there are a couple of ways I could take this. One is the secret desires that people hold as they trek to and from work. The "secret lives" seems to support that, but I could then also interpret it as the personas these people inhabit when they're gaming online or some such. Until I got to that line, I was taking "the line forms" as meaning these people were all in the same line, and it put me in mind of them waiting their turn at a travel agency of sorts that could make these fantasies come true.
I like the "slalom salaam" wordplay. It's weird, but it also works. More or less free verse, so there's no structure or rhyme to analyze. Maybe the "stretches on" is repetitive with the earlier "stretches on hot sands," and if that was intentional, it didn't seem to be.
Given this author is probably the one who submitted the prompt, I assume this is the idea he envisioned going along with it from the start.
Hm, there are a couple of ways I could take this. One is the secret desires that people hold as they trek to and from work. The "secret lives" seems to support that, but I could then also interpret it as the personas these people inhabit when they're gaming online or some such. Until I got to that line, I was taking "the line forms" as meaning these people were all in the same line, and it put me in mind of them waiting their turn at a travel agency of sorts that could make these fantasies come true.
I like the "slalom salaam" wordplay. It's weird, but it also works. More or less free verse, so there's no structure or rhyme to analyze. Maybe the "stretches on" is repetitive with the earlier "stretches on hot sands," and if that was intentional, it didn't seem to be.
Given this author is probably the one who submitted the prompt, I assume this is the idea he envisioned going along with it from the start.
This has a more complex structure that it initially appears. Most lines are 12 syllables that start with a detached word, then seem to use alternating stressed and unstressed syllables, though it's forced in a few places and I can't tell if it's intended to have a rhythm at all. The final line of each stanza is 14 syllables and does appear to be iambic.
What caught me by surprise was the internal rhyme of each 12-syllable line, where the first word rhymes with another about halfway through. In fact, the final line has enough of a slant rhyme in the same manner (bliss/loneliness) that I thought you might be doing it there as well, but the first stanza has nothing close in its finishing line.
As to meaning, it goes a bit over my head. It sounds like a person going through a gate to a faraway place (or alternate reality), seeking some kind of affinity for nature, and finding none, gets disappointed. Which is kind of anticlimactic and seems like the opposite of the prompt. Some of the first lines hint that it may be the person returning to a once-familiar place and finding it's still suffering from what made it alien in the past. It feels like it's probing toward setting up a coll situation, but I never quite connected to what it was.
What caught me by surprise was the internal rhyme of each 12-syllable line, where the first word rhymes with another about halfway through. In fact, the final line has enough of a slant rhyme in the same manner (bliss/loneliness) that I thought you might be doing it there as well, but the first stanza has nothing close in its finishing line.
As to meaning, it goes a bit over my head. It sounds like a person going through a gate to a faraway place (or alternate reality), seeking some kind of affinity for nature, and finding none, gets disappointed. Which is kind of anticlimactic and seems like the opposite of the prompt. Some of the first lines hint that it may be the person returning to a once-familiar place and finding it's still suffering from what made it alien in the past. It feels like it's probing toward setting up a coll situation, but I never quite connected to what it was.
Didn't quite know what to make of this at first read.
By now it feels like passing by strangers in the city, aware that each carries their own thoughts and dreams.
A bit rueful. Not really wondering, just aware.
By now it feels like passing by strangers in the city, aware that each carries their own thoughts and dreams.
A bit rueful. Not really wondering, just aware.
>>Pascoite
I generally enjoy strange and non-human perspectives, and thought a narrator from a different reality fit the prompt in a quite literal sense. Was fun, but sure makes relating to their experience hard.
The situation in my head was "a fairy dipping their toes into exploring our normal world".
Structure-wise I'm thinking of these 12-syllable lines as each having three parts: the detached word (/), a 5 syllable part (xx/x/), and a 6 syllable one (x/x/x/) - well, that's the intended ryhthm at least. When read out loud I very much like their flow and how it contrasts with the more uniform final line, but my writing alone doesn't really do a good job of capturing that. And not just cause I'm entirely inconsistent on the second syllable.
Maybe I should've split each line into three.
I reused the structure from a poem I once wrote where the rule of three was a big thing, so there was supposed to be a third stanza but I didn't really find enough to say to fill it. Not without it feeling like filler material. Adding more lines anyway might've been similar to what's already there, also might've helped communicate my idea though.
Thank you so much for always sharing your impression and analysis!
I generally enjoy strange and non-human perspectives, and thought a narrator from a different reality fit the prompt in a quite literal sense. Was fun, but sure makes relating to their experience hard.
The situation in my head was "a fairy dipping their toes into exploring our normal world".
Structure-wise I'm thinking of these 12-syllable lines as each having three parts: the detached word (/), a 5 syllable part (xx/x/), and a 6 syllable one (x/x/x/) - well, that's the intended ryhthm at least. When read out loud I very much like their flow and how it contrasts with the more uniform final line, but my writing alone doesn't really do a good job of capturing that. And not just cause I'm entirely inconsistent on the second syllable.
Maybe I should've split each line into three.
I reused the structure from a poem I once wrote where the rule of three was a big thing, so there was supposed to be a third stanza but I didn't really find enough to say to fill it. Not without it feeling like filler material. Adding more lines anyway might've been similar to what's already there, also might've helped communicate my idea though.
Thank you so much for always sharing your impression and analysis!