I was very tempted when the notification landed in my inbox just now, but I may also have to spend most of the weekend making sure I can get access to enough water and such. Hooray!

>>Light_Striker
I hope you’re safe and well. Such things take necessary precedence over fic-writing!

It has been close to 4 years since I last wrote something, but I did it!

Not super happy, as once again I ended up finding time at the very end of the writeoff, and the lack of polish really shows, but am happy to be participating.

Looking forward to reading everyone's stories :)

>>CoffeeMinion
Whew. I think I finally, tentatively have enough w—

*deadline*

Well.

(Actually a well would be pretty nice. Maybe one day I'll move out to the countryside. Or maybe that's just my Applejack desktop background influencing me…)

So, uh, what's the etiquette on posting reviews?

Do we post them after the voting ends?

If we post reviews now, should we post a fake review for our own story as to not make it obvious which one it is by omission?

>>Crafty
You may post your feedback whenever. As you observe, outing your entry by obvious omission is no good (though it is unclear the consequences of omitting a single entry that is not your own).

Everypony else is too busy saving the wor quivering in existenti with real li

None of these works deserve any love

Other reviewers just haven't gotten there yet.

Thanks. I have been away from writeoffs for years, so I'm a bit out of the loop.

It feels like these treads used to be more active in the past.

However, I had to manually add myself to this group - I did not get notifications for it until I did. Since it seems to be a newer word-count category, maybe it just isn't popular yet?

(tangentially, is there a way to setup email notifications for responses here?)

>>Crafty
I tend to: (1) set my first vote card before reading anyone else's comments, to avoid anchoring, though this isn't strict and I sometimes change them later if I see good points that I didn't consider; (b) if there are enough entries and I feel inclined to do bulk reviewing, split them in half at random and review the half that didn't contain mine; (iii) if there weren't many entries, review them all, including mine to avoid the obvious omission; (四) apparently, use inconsistent list numbering when I feel silly.

Activity has definitely declined a lot over the later seasons of FiM and the time after that, but some people are still around. :-) I've always been sporadic, myself.

For me, this was a perfectly middle-of-the-road story.

The writing was good, the characterization solid, the premise... well-trodden.

I was hoping for a double-cross by Twilight. Maybe she deals with the monkey-paw-esque djinn in a clever way? Or things get really bad, and only then does she learn the lesson about wanting to cheat fate? The ending we get in the fic is kind of in that direction, but it seems like something much more drastic than a little explosion would be needed to dissuade Twilight.

I was surprised Twilight didn't see how the undo button would immediately misfire. At that point, I started wondering if choosing a different character than might have worked better, someone more prone to getting tangled in their own web. Maybe Starlight Glimmer, maybe Trixie?

On the writing front, I think the story did very well technically and structurally. There were some run-on sentences (esp that first paragraph, eesh) but nothing too distracting.

This story confirms my long-held postulation that powdered sugar is definitely the poor man's cocaine.

Personal prognosis aside, I'm a little bit indifferent on this story. Now, I'm generally indifferent towards comedies in general so you shouldn't be too disappointed to get this reaction from me. Regardless, the humor didn't really resonate with me as well as I think it's supposed to, mostly cause it's pretty obvious from the get go what this story was heading for.

Now, the scene itself is pretty absurd. It's safe to say that there is definitely a story that tickles my funny bone in here somewhere. Part of me is inclined to believe that so much of the story seems to be telling us how the situation got led to that point instead of actually focusing on the situation itself. You know, the funny part.

Seeing as it is a comedy, I don't think we need to know every detail into how the party got to that point for the humor to work. Maybe at most the story could play its cards coyly by trickling the expository stuff bit by bit. Either way, I think spending more of the story on where they are at instead of how they got there would be your best bet in making this story a lot more absurd than it is currently.

Also, the lack of paragraphing of dialogues sorta threw me off at times. It does get a little frustrating reading them personally so maybe you could space them out a little, especially if there's more than one pony involved in the conversation.

So yeah, it's a good story in concept but the execution as it is isn't really my cup of tea. Perhaps more focused perspective would help fix the issues I've mentioned and then some, though that really depends on where you wish to take this idea.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This feels like a start to a Monochromatic story I haven't read but am somewhat curious on checking out, prompting me to place it on the shelf along with all the other titles that have since been covered by cyberdust and world-wide cobwebs.

This story stands out from the group, it being the non-comedic, moreso-introspective entry of the five, which only means I am compelled to like this more than the others because my biases have me threatened at gunpoint to like this, goddammit. I will say though, it took me a while to get around to what's happening but by the time it did, I was immersing myself rather easily. It's paced really well, the descriptions are enthralling, and the slow reveal was handled very delicately. Definitely a great read.

I guess my one gripe with this story is a really gratuitous one: I kinda hoped the whole restraining of time would tie back to Rarity somehow. Something like how her work here is ironic in that it perpetuates this cycle of unchanging with regards to her life or profession somehow. That Twilight isn't the only one frozen in time, so to speak. I think if it had a deeper look into that thematic aspect a little more, it would definitely elevate this story from being great to an absolutely ravishing masterpiece.

So, yeah, really enjoyed this one! Thanks for writing, and good luck!

I'm kinda surprised how many comedies we have this round considering the prompt. It does make this reviewing shtick of mine a little harder but I won't lie, it is very entertaining to read these as they come by.

This particular comedy hinges on the whole 'Displaced' gig. I haven't read any of those—not even the good ones, though I was never a big fan of the concept anyway—but I've seen enough of the tropes around to know about the more insular jabs in this story. Nevertheless, I do like how snappy the dialogue is between everyone. It's fun, it's witty when it wants to be and it knows exactly what it's going for out of the gate without overstaying its welcome.

I'm pretty sure this is publish-ready for FiMFic as it is. I don't know, I haven't gone around and read any comedies on the site lately. Not even the good ones.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Comedy numero tres. Also a story involving Twilight. I'm starting to think there's some secret cabal in the making here.

This one, I had fun with as well. The concept might be done to death but it's the execution that always keeps me on my feet. Dialogue is punchy, the humor hits just nice and the flow of the dialogue is almost superfluous.

Almost.

I say almost because there's a lot of instances of a piece of conversation happening that is immediately followed by 'Pony X performs action'. It's not something I'm usually bothered by, mostly cause I know how much this would seem like a story of talking heads had it been absent, but I do think the story went a little bit overboard with this one. Maybe a bit of trimming on that front would do it some good. Regardless, I really enjoyed reading this.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This is cute.

I wanted to say that this is a comedy at first, but I guess it's so much a comedy as it is the situation here is comedic in nature. It's probably at most a very whimsical slice of life, which is also great. I love me a story with some heartfelt whimsy.

I particularly liked how detailed that time travel scene in the middle was. It being so methodical and diligently-prosed helps play off the quirkiness that soon came after. If there's one thing I could think of improving the whole experience, it's to highlight Twilight's initial desperation even more. Make it seem as urgent as remotely possible to further highlight the contrasting events in the resolution.

All in all, a fun read. Thanks for writing, and good luck!

I have to admit, reading this story on 5 hours sleep was not a great idea. That said, even rereading it now with fresh eyes, it still feels a bit dense at times.

Still, it's a strong story.

The writing, while a bit challenging at moments, was evocative and flowed well, and there was a certain sense of "quality" about it. The theme also feels very appropriate to the prompt.

I do think that the Queen's dialogue was a bit too exposition-y. Also, it was very hard to grasp what this passage meant - "A gentle deep blue light, the color of the sky." To me this sounds like daytime blue skies, not like nighttime darkness. Moonlight tends to be pale and cold, and night skies are…. well… black? This description made me imagine something completely different from what was probably intended, which was confusing with the later passages in mind.

The reveal was strong, but I felt like the ending was not. I was left with a sense of incompleteness and aimlessness. The ending, as written, gives zero indication on how this world might turn out. We also have very little sense of how this Rarity feels about the world. It left me frustrated.

All in all, a very strong entry.

You know what, this is cute.

There were some punctuation mistakes here and there, but nothing too distracting. The prose was simple, without much flourish, but quite functional. I feel like it could be puffed up a bit, especially in the final third.

Not much to say here, just a cute little story.

Comedy is subjective, and I subjectively could not get into this one. Meta-fics are not my cup of tea either, and it feels like this one won't be the one to sway me.

That said, there were some funny lines (In. Confidence.) The dialog flowed well, and the back and forth felt organic. There were no notable writing issues, although I did get lost about who was speaking at one point.

The fic does lack escalation though, which I thought was necessary for the more absurdist tone employed here. Instead of building to a crescendo of worse and worse ideas, it kind of just fizzles out. It seems like it didn't make the most of its starting premise.

>>WritingSpirit mentioned that this is making fun of an established series, which I was completely unfamiliar with. So, there are probably some subtleties that were lost on me.

This story was unsatisfying for me. I wanted to learn what happened that imposed the sugar ban to begin with, but after the setup it never comes up again. I think that with such short stories, there shouldn't be plot points that are brought up and never addressed. The story would be unchanged if it directly started with: "The Cakes ran out of sugar for the party, Pinkie remembered there was `special sugar` at the rock farm and zipped there and back with some."

Opening with an incident that necessitated a country-wide sugar ban and never exploring it seems like a wasted opportunity, as that honestly feels like a funnier idea than "oops, accidental crack cocaine."

With that said, as a "Pinkie Pie accidentally reveals her family's crack operation" story, I think the fic delivers. I did think it was a bit too easy to see it was going there, though. I was hoping for something to up the ante towards the end, but I feel we never quite got that. Nevertheless, I thought that the characterization was consistent and solid throughout.

There were several technical issues that can be easily remedied:
- You should never have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. (https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue)
- You have some run-on sentences. In most cases, you would've been fine with just using a full stop earlier. Reading the fic aloud really helps with catching such issues.
- I feel like you needed a scene transition mark for the coke baking.

Thank you for the story!

Premise: Pinkie Pie is the new Tony Montana, but, like, accidentally

This one had a lot of technical rough edges that distracted me. I imagine that would get better if there was more time to edit, though, so moving on...

The big problem is that this just can't be long enough for everything the story wants to touch one. There's a big noodle incident that causes a sugar ban for some reason, which could be compelling if it was explored, but when it's just rushed in to create an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up, well, that's exactly what it ends up feeling like - an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up. It feels like contrivance for the sake of plot, rather than being organically part of the plot.

The main plot thread of the story suffers similar pacing problems. It's just too fast, which, again, is a function of needing to do more than the short-shorts format has time to do for a story like this. The good news is, that's not an inherent problem with the story itself as a concept; the pacing just needs to be worked and the narrative expanded in the next draft.

This one's hard to grade fairly. I'm not a fan of the 'displaced' thing. A good execution on the concept with a more nuanced take than falling into one of two diametrically opposed modalities (wish-fulfillment indulgence or castigating displaced humans as sexual molesters) could change that, I suppose, but I find myself unable to enjoy this one since the entire premise is indeed based on one of the two.

Ultimately, though, it's a comedy. Not hitting with me is a subjective problem, as all comedy is subjective and situational. I think this story will have its audience, in the people who do like these kinds of things.

Okay, I think this is a winner. The premise is good, the drama strikes balance with the comedy, and the characters are good.

That said, I'm always a little skeptical of "Twilight melts down, drastic response happens" stories. I think this one pulled it off, but it's tricky - there needs to be good justification to make me believe it. I'm not sure sending the wrong scroll, even an embarrassing one, is quite enough, but in the format of a story so short, I can kinda let it slide. It could be improved in revision by taking more time to set up Twilight's descent into such a desperate measure, though.

Tied for winner, for me, with "The Mistake."

I love the premise of this one, and I love the alt-universe take on Rarity. Those give it a major edge, to me.

The flaws lie in how hard it is to do a story like this in what is simply the insufficient space of the format. There's a lot of exposition-dump, out of necessity. Hard to get around, but also less satisfying than other options that take longer.

I like the open-ended nature of this one. It leaves me with a sense of mystery. I think that works because the story is not really about a personal conflict Rarity faces, so with my primary investment being in her, it doesn't feel like anything particularly needs closing with regard to the events in the plot - on the other hand, had the themes of time and stasis, or of being held captive in a place that's wrong somehow been applied to Rarity herself, then a lack of resolution might have been distressing, and I do feel that the story misses some cues and is a little weaker by not making those thematic relations to the protagonist. So it's kind of a win-some, lose-some situation there.

Very strong candidate, though, in summary.

Overtrod conceptual ground (by a wide margin, everybody does a genie story eventually), so execution rather than originality is the only thing that's relevant to grade on here.

And the execution is fun, so fair enough.

The one big 'thing' that got me is that this doesn't feel like Twilight.
It feels like, I dunno, Starlight. Or Trixie (if Trixie was this clever, but I have trouble reading her that way).
Feeling like this is the wrong main character really hurts the story, IMO. But the good news is that it's a super easy revision to make - you're one find-and-replace away from achieving a great success of execution on a familiar, well-explored trope.

Who's in for the art round?
...Me, I guess.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Hey, for what it's worth, I wanted to draw something very similar to your submission, but am positive it wouldn't have been as good.

Lol Jesus Christ this story is pretty terrible. But what's more terrible are the readers taking it more seriously than the writer obviously did by about a rough estimate of 300%.

The best part is some guy acknowledging the sugar ban is a "noodle incident" meaning there is no story behind it that's the point of a noodle incident.

But then he says the story is bad because it doesn't explain everything anyway. Mkay.

The grammar advice is good though.

Tia-Light sex tension is well explored, but this story uses it well.
This was the one story this round that gave us a solid Twilight and played the character's strings to best effect. This one will be my slate topper. Thanks for writing, Author!

I mean the princesses were ready to dump an entire kingdom on Twilight in canon, I'm not surprised they are also willing to drop her in the middle of a strange possibly hostile world with no escape plan. (Celestia and Luna are kinda jerks in the later seasons aren't they?)

I enjoyed this story. I think its cute. Though is there a difference between displaced vs 'human in equestria' vs straight up oc? I thought displaced is when a human brain ends up in another character's body and nobody knows about it.

"Um, no," Twilight answered warily. "I would have written immediately. Actually, Fluttershy has been finally starting to relax without having to worry about humans or red-black alicorn maniacs barging into her cottage expecting sex. Her warden is getting fed up with the interminable pet care, though, but won't complain to her about it."

I find this heavily ironic considering how often Celestia or Starswirl apparently tossed their problems into another world (EQG world) Perhaps they don't see the hypocrisy.

Princess Celestia please no cavorting with your royal students. Though given Twilight's more dismayed reaction things are probably going to be super awkward for the next few days if not weeks. I like this story a lot. I want to say that breaking the laws of time/space isn't something alicorn Twilight would do but I'd be lying to myself, Twilight will break any law to get what she wants if she wants it bad enough. So yeah very solid and sweet.

I'm not sure how I feel about this one. The imagery is cool. The idea of Rarity as some kind of gem sorceress is super cool. And the exposition doesn't bother me at all. My problem is the word count. More words are definitely needed to explain why this ...rather strange and overly involved and complicated method of holding Twilight in place is even needed. I know she is a strong unicorn but surely Nightmare Moon (Don't know if she'd still go by this name if she is respected by everyone in this timeline) could overpower/subdue her without this much involvement needed from Rarity. Pretty mysterious

I've been spoiled by rational fics and really wanted to see Twilight pull a Hermione and leverage the rules and twist logic to make herself a goddess, end death forever, and so on. She's not being Twilight enough in this one for my tastes and is rather slow on the uptake. It takes a lot nowadays to outshine the genie stories that have been done before, and I don't want to fault the author for not achieving this in the constraints of a Writeoff. Still, some time spent meditating on how Twilight could make more optimal decisions (or just replacing her with a character slower on the uptake) could improve this piece. Thanks for contributing, author!

>>pigeonsmall
I'm my defense, this was the first review I've written in 4 years xD

So I wonder if she can undo the final wish. She did ask for infinite wishes. Does wishing that it all never happened really undo that?
Pretty cool story but I feel it lacks chaos. The wishes seem to be interpreted literally and not all "monkey paw" logic. So Twilight shouldn't be scared about her final wish outburst. Serhoofina is doing her a favor.

I kinda feel like this story would have been better if the main character was Rainbow Dash. Someone less clever and much more lacking in forward thinking. I can only imagine the damage her wishes would cause.

Oh man imagine if fictional characters were aware of fanfiction or actually experienced it. I think if I were Twilight I'd choose death.

But this is a great picture. I love how it incorporates all the written entries and it weirdly makes sense that a unicorn with strong magical prowess could indeed experience multiple streams of her own existence sequentially or at once. Poor girl.

Not sure why Pinkie is there. That can't be a good sign.

Though I am familiar with Displaced fics, I find myself in the same camp as Crafty - this piece is generally well crafted, but somehow fails to grab me as well as it should, though it is good to see Twilight standing up for herself. Perhaps the issue is in the premise? Celestia does seem to be left holding the idiot (or callous) ball.
Not sure what else to suggest, but this story did make me smile and nod here and there. Thanks for writing it, Author!

This is an evocative AU, and the character voices are pitch-perfect. It's an interesting mood piece as it stands, and the potential start of a compelling story.
I am not altogether certain of the identity of the pony with the seven-pointed star mark. It's implied to be Twilight, but her mark is a six-pointed star with five smaller stars around it. Is this an oversight, or is this supposed to be an original character?
That aside, this is a pretty little piece that implies vastly more than is present. Thanks for creating it, Author!

Give the nice horsie a sugar cube! (LSD laced.) I think this story is best taken as a first draft, as its joke premise could actually be compelling if the Pie family as drugmakers aspect were explored, offering more than Pinkie's revelation that she's perpetually high on powerful friendship vibes and a hoofshine.
Not quite my cup of 4:20 tea, but at least worth the read. Thanks for contributing, Author!

I started with this based on the title alone, and I am pleased by what I see. This could be developed more but it's got a rock-solid foundation.

I like how this is funny from the get-go. Definitely meta/fandom-aware, but I'm fine with that. Satire is magic! Especially when we come to our conflict: governmental cost-savings. This fic has my number. It also unleashes burning sarcasm at the Princess' expense. I love the line about "trying to decide how much my disappearing forever is worth."

Maybe the missing link is in the wrap-up. They decide to table the issue and have ice cream (and cake), but the ostensible ability to float the budget for a month takes some of the urgency away. I think that's ultimately a very fixable thing, should the Author seek to "fix" that thing. There's nothing to stop these three from coming up with the money in a more ridiculous way, up to and including shaking down the visiting dignitaries.

I have two bits of criticism, followed by a great deal of enjoyment.

First, the opening line runs on a bit. I'm very guilty of run-on openers, so I recognize a bit of myself here. I get that you're going for wit and characterization but it ends up being harder to digest than it might need to be.

Second, a lot of the negative consequences of Twi's wishes are hinted at or mentioned, rather than shown. This blunts the relatability of Twilight's frustration with the situation--because we can't see it.

But I love it how Twilight jumps outside the traditional djinn wish-restriction, but then immediately gets serious about what to do from there. That feels very on-point for her. The undo button is hilarious! And I like how this ends, for the most part. Twilight going for a complete undo on the scenario feels appropriate. She's smart but not smart enough to avoid trouble, and not too egotistical to admit that and try to fix things.

Good stuff!

Opening imagery grabs me right away. And I'm glad it's Rarity, considering how it's presented. That feels like the right character voice to be showing us this.

Queen? I'm intrigued. Who is this?

Hold on... is this *Nightmare timeline Rarity?* That is the very definition of my jam, fam.

This is absolutely brilliant writing. Perhaps a bit... hefty? There's a high density of words, and a great deal of focus on detail, yet it could be clearer IMO that we're dealing with Nightmare Moon.

Still, I love the concept of an imprisoned Twilight held at bay by NMM and her most faithful servant. I like how this reveals what's going on slowly. It generates a good bit of mystery, and curiosity, before revealing everything. That's a great accomplishment in such a short space.

Immediate sense of urgency. Strong, fast-flowing, well-constructed verbiage. Arcane shenanigans add excitement. Very very solid hook.

HA! Okay, *that's* what this is about. Well that's a fantastic setup and payoff. It's short and sweet, and I very nearly thought it wasn't going to land its payoff. The ending sting of comedy is of a bit different "flavor" than the opening bits of panic. But it all fits together, and well.

I like the scenario put forward by the opening! And I like it that Pinkie has helped resolve things in the most *interesting* way possible. I wondered if this was going to turn out to be pony-cocaine (poncaine?), and indeed it was.

The ensuing "party" and its wrap-up feel fast relative to the rest of the story. There's a good deal of build-up, but at the moment IMO there's more comic potential that could be mined out of the scenario.

It's framed-up for this to be a strong comic moment though, which is good; it's primed for expansion, should you choose to do so!

This is a lovely tribute to the overarching themes of alternate timelines, personalities, and/or extradimensional shenanigans in this Writeoff. And how prescient the Artist is as to the outcome! Love the horn-impaled marshmallow, and its reference to the incoming G5 stuff. The detail on Twilight’s face is excellent and comedic.

I really love how this combines every fic.

It was a Twilight-heavy writeoff, sure, but thematically this ends up uncannily close to my idea about how time travel works in The Mistake. I think you captured that thousand-yard stare just perfectly.

(Also, love the little marsh marrow on top. I guess it was a late addition, seeing as it's digital?)

Retrospective.

I am humbled and extremely thankful for the amazing reception this got.

I really hadn't written anything in years, and that always pained me. I would see Writeoff after Writeoff show up in my email box, and would lie to myself with "maybe next time."

A month ago, I decided to try to force myself into a simple habit: Write two sentences a day.

Some days I would write a bit more, but a lot of days it really was just two sentences.

I would write only short vignettes, without any connecting story. Still, I was happy to be doing even this much.

When this Writeoff showed up, I got the idea of Twilight doing some silly mistake, going back in time, only for the mistake to not be truly erased. I wrote as much on the first day of the Writeoff, maybe three sentences.

The next two days, I had to travel for work. I still only wrote about a sentence or two, figured out what the ending would be, but still had less than 200 words in total.

It wasn't until the last day of the Writeoff, at midnight (GMT+3), 6 hours before the deadline, that I seriously sat down to finish the story. With the limited time I had, I wasn't going to craft especially good prose. What really helped me was that at that point I had a really solid idea of the exact story beats I wanted to hit were, and I knew the exact note I wanted to end on. So, guided by function, I managed to finish it in time.

The part that I'm least satisfied with is the corridor of time. I think I did a somewhat poor job articulating my idea of how this time travel works. Still, it's a good contrast with the ending and works well enough. Definitely want to revise it a bit if I publish to fimfic.

>>WritingSpirit
Slice-of-life whimsey is kind of my jam. I'm very drawn to stories that manage to be both grounded and to also have fun.

I hadn't considered that the first part needed buffing up, but upon rereading I think you are correct. I'll definitely try to improve it!

Thank you for reading!

>>Winston
Another advice to buff up the first part. Getting this outside perspective is immensely helpful!

I realize that Twilight-melts-down is a bit overdone. Indeed, it probably wouldn't work outside of a short story. Something that I wanted to do was to have a super-serious super-magical "tamper with the natural laws of the world, but in a grounded manner" solution applied to a somewhat mundane problem, and then have even that fail for mild comedic effect. Celestia playfully rimming Twilight over it felt like the exact right amount of comeuppance.

Thank you for reading!

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Twilestia where they're more equal is something that didn't exist back in 2013 when I was reading fanfics - there was always a teacher-student, age-difference thing going on that wasn't to my liking.

Now that they're on more equal footing, I think it feels much better. I wonder what good stories are out there for me to find?

Thank you for reading!

>>pigeonsmall
Twilight really would stop at nothing once she decides she knows what's best, huh?

Thank you for reading!

>>CoffeeMinion
Wow, your review is /exactly/ what I was hoping to achieve! Thank you for the kind words!

And thank you for reading!



PS. What even is the proper way to relay someone reading a letter, stylistically? Is multi-paragraph dialog even the right tool?