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The Mistake
Twilight flung the door to the basement lab open and ran down the stairwell, muttering to herself. “I must go back before it’s too late. Every second counts!”
Her horn glowed and she scooped the miscellaneous experiments littering the floor with her magic, throwing them into a corner. She paid no attention to the sound of breaking glass and searched frantically around the room until her eyes landed on a piece of chalk. “Aha!” She grabbed it with her magic and started drawing an elaborate rune circle on the newly vacated floor.
“Come on, come on!” grumbled Twilight, throwing an occasional glance at the clock.
It was taking her longer than she expected to draw up the circle, which meant she had to amend her calculations on the fly. Several times, she had to erase portions of the circle and redraw them again with almost imperceptible changes.
Finally, it was complete.
Stepping inside, she stared at the clock. Three minutes had passed. The incantation was going to take exactly 36 seconds and a half. She could make it!
Twilight closed her eyes and started channeling magical energy with her horn. It flowed within her body, down her legs and into the rune circle beneath. She weaved the flow of arcane energy, tracing the outlines of the circle in her mind. With each molding of the stream, a corresponding rune turned from gray chalk to a live magical conduit, bright with the purple aura of its caster.
Tendrils of magic rose from the circle. They swirling lazily at first, but with each passing second their brightness increased. The raw magical energy began tugging at Twilight’s hair, tossing it into disarray. The swirl of arcana flowed faster and faster, picking up paper notes into a roaring tornado with Twilight in its center.
At exactly thirty seconds since had begun casting, Twilight felt her hooves lift off the floor. She opened her eyes and blinding light streamed from them. The arcane energies reached their crescendo, tendrils of magic spiraling in all directions from the floating alicorn.
Then, reality imploded on itself.
Twilight blinked.
Before her stood an endless corridor made of light of every color and uncolor. In the corridor, an infinite number of Twilights blinked, mimicking her in a wave through time itself. She turned back and saw herself infinite in the other direction, the motion finishing with her and beginning at the edge of her perception.
She took a step back, merging into the Twilight behind her, who then merged into the Twilight behind that Twilight. Step by step, she counted aloud, and heard herself both from behind and in front, as each sound seemed to rise from behind her and die down somewhere in the infinity in front. She continued backing and counting. One count for each step. One merge. One moment in time, reversed.
The concept of time didn’t really exist once you are outside it, Twilight mused. All there is is moments. So, she counted them, and even though it felt like an eternity passed, it never really did.
She knew the number. Knew the moment she needed to return to. And it both never came and had always been there. Twilight recognized it.
For a moment, she stood still in time. Then, the corridor started to collapse around her, the infinity merging back into a singularity, and then Twilight blinked.
Spike stood before her, scroll in hand, head drawn back and chest puffed with air.
“Waaaait!” Twilight shouted.
Spike startled and belched a blaze at the ceiling, missing the scroll.
“What gives?” he groaned as Twilight snatched the scroll from his claws.
“Wrong scroll!” Twilight said, hiding it behind her back. “I told you to send the one in the right drawer, not the left one.”
Spike scratched his head. “You sure? I’m pretty sure you pointed to the left one.”
“Spike!”
“All right, all right, sheesh,” Spike rolled his eyes and moved towards the desk. “Next time be more speci-” he couldn’t finish the thought as a belch echoed in the room and a scroll wearing the Canterlot crest appeared.
“Never a calm moment,” grumbled Spike before clearing his throat and reading.
“My Dearest Twilight,
“I am happy to see the advancements you have made in temporal magic. Indeed, I’m sure your discoveries will imbue the field with renewed vigor and excitement.
“That said, I must urge you to choose the reason for time travel more carefully in the future. Temporal magic is a dangerous and powerful tool, not to be wielded frivolously by those who have control over it. I trust upon reflection you will agree that the current use was not really warranted, as there were a lot more conventional approaches one might have taken.
“That is to say nothing of the fact that I, being an alicorn as well, am also a part of the stream and sensitive to its changes. My memories of the… Mistake that occurred are fully present, making this whole ordeal not only dangerous, but also moot.
“I trust that this will be a learning experience for you.”
Spike scratched his head. “What was this about?”
Twilight was staring blankly forward, eyes turned to pinpricks, a deep blush across her face.
“Wait, there is something at the end,” Spike continued.
“PS. For what it’s worth, I found your poem delightful and I would very much love to be your little marshmallow.
"XOXO, Celestia.”
Twilight collapsed in a heap, threw her hooves over her head and screamed.
Her horn glowed and she scooped the miscellaneous experiments littering the floor with her magic, throwing them into a corner. She paid no attention to the sound of breaking glass and searched frantically around the room until her eyes landed on a piece of chalk. “Aha!” She grabbed it with her magic and started drawing an elaborate rune circle on the newly vacated floor.
“Come on, come on!” grumbled Twilight, throwing an occasional glance at the clock.
It was taking her longer than she expected to draw up the circle, which meant she had to amend her calculations on the fly. Several times, she had to erase portions of the circle and redraw them again with almost imperceptible changes.
Finally, it was complete.
Stepping inside, she stared at the clock. Three minutes had passed. The incantation was going to take exactly 36 seconds and a half. She could make it!
Twilight closed her eyes and started channeling magical energy with her horn. It flowed within her body, down her legs and into the rune circle beneath. She weaved the flow of arcane energy, tracing the outlines of the circle in her mind. With each molding of the stream, a corresponding rune turned from gray chalk to a live magical conduit, bright with the purple aura of its caster.
Tendrils of magic rose from the circle. They swirling lazily at first, but with each passing second their brightness increased. The raw magical energy began tugging at Twilight’s hair, tossing it into disarray. The swirl of arcana flowed faster and faster, picking up paper notes into a roaring tornado with Twilight in its center.
At exactly thirty seconds since had begun casting, Twilight felt her hooves lift off the floor. She opened her eyes and blinding light streamed from them. The arcane energies reached their crescendo, tendrils of magic spiraling in all directions from the floating alicorn.
Then, reality imploded on itself.
Twilight blinked.
Before her stood an endless corridor made of light of every color and uncolor. In the corridor, an infinite number of Twilights blinked, mimicking her in a wave through time itself. She turned back and saw herself infinite in the other direction, the motion finishing with her and beginning at the edge of her perception.
She took a step back, merging into the Twilight behind her, who then merged into the Twilight behind that Twilight. Step by step, she counted aloud, and heard herself both from behind and in front, as each sound seemed to rise from behind her and die down somewhere in the infinity in front. She continued backing and counting. One count for each step. One merge. One moment in time, reversed.
The concept of time didn’t really exist once you are outside it, Twilight mused. All there is is moments. So, she counted them, and even though it felt like an eternity passed, it never really did.
She knew the number. Knew the moment she needed to return to. And it both never came and had always been there. Twilight recognized it.
For a moment, she stood still in time. Then, the corridor started to collapse around her, the infinity merging back into a singularity, and then Twilight blinked.
Spike stood before her, scroll in hand, head drawn back and chest puffed with air.
“Waaaait!” Twilight shouted.
Spike startled and belched a blaze at the ceiling, missing the scroll.
“What gives?” he groaned as Twilight snatched the scroll from his claws.
“Wrong scroll!” Twilight said, hiding it behind her back. “I told you to send the one in the right drawer, not the left one.”
Spike scratched his head. “You sure? I’m pretty sure you pointed to the left one.”
“Spike!”
“All right, all right, sheesh,” Spike rolled his eyes and moved towards the desk. “Next time be more speci-” he couldn’t finish the thought as a belch echoed in the room and a scroll wearing the Canterlot crest appeared.
“Never a calm moment,” grumbled Spike before clearing his throat and reading.
“My Dearest Twilight,
“I am happy to see the advancements you have made in temporal magic. Indeed, I’m sure your discoveries will imbue the field with renewed vigor and excitement.
“That said, I must urge you to choose the reason for time travel more carefully in the future. Temporal magic is a dangerous and powerful tool, not to be wielded frivolously by those who have control over it. I trust upon reflection you will agree that the current use was not really warranted, as there were a lot more conventional approaches one might have taken.
“That is to say nothing of the fact that I, being an alicorn as well, am also a part of the stream and sensitive to its changes. My memories of the… Mistake that occurred are fully present, making this whole ordeal not only dangerous, but also moot.
“I trust that this will be a learning experience for you.”
Spike scratched his head. “What was this about?”
Twilight was staring blankly forward, eyes turned to pinpricks, a deep blush across her face.
“Wait, there is something at the end,” Spike continued.
“PS. For what it’s worth, I found your poem delightful and I would very much love to be your little marshmallow.
"XOXO, Celestia.”
Twilight collapsed in a heap, threw her hooves over her head and screamed.
Pics
This is cute.
I wanted to say that this is a comedy at first, but I guess it's so much a comedy as it is the situation here is comedic in nature. It's probably at most a very whimsical slice of life, which is also great. I love me a story with some heartfelt whimsy.
I particularly liked how detailed that time travel scene in the middle was. It being so methodical and diligently-prosed helps play off the quirkiness that soon came after. If there's one thing I could think of improving the whole experience, it's to highlight Twilight's initial desperation even more. Make it seem as urgent as remotely possible to further highlight the contrasting events in the resolution.
All in all, a fun read. Thanks for writing, and good luck!
I wanted to say that this is a comedy at first, but I guess it's so much a comedy as it is the situation here is comedic in nature. It's probably at most a very whimsical slice of life, which is also great. I love me a story with some heartfelt whimsy.
I particularly liked how detailed that time travel scene in the middle was. It being so methodical and diligently-prosed helps play off the quirkiness that soon came after. If there's one thing I could think of improving the whole experience, it's to highlight Twilight's initial desperation even more. Make it seem as urgent as remotely possible to further highlight the contrasting events in the resolution.
All in all, a fun read. Thanks for writing, and good luck!
You know what, this is cute.
There were some punctuation mistakes here and there, but nothing too distracting. The prose was simple, without much flourish, but quite functional. I feel like it could be puffed up a bit, especially in the final third.
Not much to say here, just a cute little story.
There were some punctuation mistakes here and there, but nothing too distracting. The prose was simple, without much flourish, but quite functional. I feel like it could be puffed up a bit, especially in the final third.
Not much to say here, just a cute little story.
Okay, I think this is a winner. The premise is good, the drama strikes balance with the comedy, and the characters are good.
That said, I'm always a little skeptical of "Twilight melts down, drastic response happens" stories. I think this one pulled it off, but it's tricky - there needs to be good justification to make me believe it. I'm not sure sending the wrong scroll, even an embarrassing one, is quite enough, but in the format of a story so short, I can kinda let it slide. It could be improved in revision by taking more time to set up Twilight's descent into such a desperate measure, though.
That said, I'm always a little skeptical of "Twilight melts down, drastic response happens" stories. I think this one pulled it off, but it's tricky - there needs to be good justification to make me believe it. I'm not sure sending the wrong scroll, even an embarrassing one, is quite enough, but in the format of a story so short, I can kinda let it slide. It could be improved in revision by taking more time to set up Twilight's descent into such a desperate measure, though.
Tia-Light sex tension is well explored, but this story uses it well.
This was the one story this round that gave us a solid Twilight and played the character's strings to best effect. This one will be my slate topper. Thanks for writing, Author!
This was the one story this round that gave us a solid Twilight and played the character's strings to best effect. This one will be my slate topper. Thanks for writing, Author!
Princess Celestia please no cavorting with your royal students. Though given Twilight's more dismayed reaction things are probably going to be super awkward for the next few days if not weeks. I like this story a lot. I want to say that breaking the laws of time/space isn't something alicorn Twilight would do but I'd be lying to myself, Twilight will break any law to get what she wants if she wants it bad enough. So yeah very solid and sweet.
Immediate sense of urgency. Strong, fast-flowing, well-constructed verbiage. Arcane shenanigans add excitement. Very very solid hook.
HA! Okay, *that's* what this is about. Well that's a fantastic setup and payoff. It's short and sweet, and I very nearly thought it wasn't going to land its payoff. The ending sting of comedy is of a bit different "flavor" than the opening bits of panic. But it all fits together, and well.
HA! Okay, *that's* what this is about. Well that's a fantastic setup and payoff. It's short and sweet, and I very nearly thought it wasn't going to land its payoff. The ending sting of comedy is of a bit different "flavor" than the opening bits of panic. But it all fits together, and well.
Retrospective.
I am humbled and extremely thankful for the amazing reception this got.
I really hadn't written anything in years, and that always pained me. I would see Writeoff after Writeoff show up in my email box, and would lie to myself with "maybe next time."
A month ago, I decided to try to force myself into a simple habit: Write two sentences a day.
Some days I would write a bit more, but a lot of days it really was just two sentences.
I would write only short vignettes, without any connecting story. Still, I was happy to be doing even this much.
When this Writeoff showed up, I got the idea of Twilight doing some silly mistake, going back in time, only for the mistake to not be truly erased. I wrote as much on the first day of the Writeoff, maybe three sentences.
The next two days, I had to travel for work. I still only wrote about a sentence or two, figured out what the ending would be, but still had less than 200 words in total.
It wasn't until the last day of the Writeoff, at midnight (GMT+3), 6 hours before the deadline, that I seriously sat down to finish the story. With the limited time I had, I wasn't going to craft especially good prose. What really helped me was that at that point I had a really solid idea of the exact story beats I wanted to hit were, and I knew the exact note I wanted to end on. So, guided by function, I managed to finish it in time.
The part that I'm least satisfied with is the corridor of time. I think I did a somewhat poor job articulating my idea of how this time travel works. Still, it's a good contrast with the ending and works well enough. Definitely want to revise it a bit if I publish to fimfic.
>>WritingSpirit
Slice-of-life whimsey is kind of my jam. I'm very drawn to stories that manage to be both grounded and to also have fun.
I hadn't considered that the first part needed buffing up, but upon rereading I think you are correct. I'll definitely try to improve it!
Thank you for reading!
>>Winston
Another advice to buff up the first part. Getting this outside perspective is immensely helpful!
I realize that Twilight-melts-down is a bit overdone. Indeed, it probably wouldn't work outside of a short story. Something that I wanted to do was to have a super-serious super-magical "tamper with the natural laws of the world, but in a grounded manner" solution applied to a somewhat mundane problem, and then have even that fail for mild comedic effect. Celestia playfully rimming Twilight over it felt like the exact right amount of comeuppance.
Thank you for reading!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Twilestia where they're more equal is something that didn't exist back in 2013 when I was reading fanfics - there was always a teacher-student, age-difference thing going on that wasn't to my liking.
Now that they're on more equal footing, I think it feels much better. I wonder what good stories are out there for me to find?
Thank you for reading!
>>pigeonsmall
Twilight really would stop at nothing once she decides she knows what's best, huh?
Thank you for reading!
>>CoffeeMinion
Wow, your review is /exactly/ what I was hoping to achieve! Thank you for the kind words!
And thank you for reading!
PS. What even is the proper way to relay someone reading a letter, stylistically? Is multi-paragraph dialog even the right tool?
I am humbled and extremely thankful for the amazing reception this got.
I really hadn't written anything in years, and that always pained me. I would see Writeoff after Writeoff show up in my email box, and would lie to myself with "maybe next time."
A month ago, I decided to try to force myself into a simple habit: Write two sentences a day.
Some days I would write a bit more, but a lot of days it really was just two sentences.
I would write only short vignettes, without any connecting story. Still, I was happy to be doing even this much.
When this Writeoff showed up, I got the idea of Twilight doing some silly mistake, going back in time, only for the mistake to not be truly erased. I wrote as much on the first day of the Writeoff, maybe three sentences.
The next two days, I had to travel for work. I still only wrote about a sentence or two, figured out what the ending would be, but still had less than 200 words in total.
It wasn't until the last day of the Writeoff, at midnight (GMT+3), 6 hours before the deadline, that I seriously sat down to finish the story. With the limited time I had, I wasn't going to craft especially good prose. What really helped me was that at that point I had a really solid idea of the exact story beats I wanted to hit were, and I knew the exact note I wanted to end on. So, guided by function, I managed to finish it in time.
The part that I'm least satisfied with is the corridor of time. I think I did a somewhat poor job articulating my idea of how this time travel works. Still, it's a good contrast with the ending and works well enough. Definitely want to revise it a bit if I publish to fimfic.
>>WritingSpirit
Slice-of-life whimsey is kind of my jam. I'm very drawn to stories that manage to be both grounded and to also have fun.
I hadn't considered that the first part needed buffing up, but upon rereading I think you are correct. I'll definitely try to improve it!
Thank you for reading!
>>Winston
Another advice to buff up the first part. Getting this outside perspective is immensely helpful!
I realize that Twilight-melts-down is a bit overdone. Indeed, it probably wouldn't work outside of a short story. Something that I wanted to do was to have a super-serious super-magical "tamper with the natural laws of the world, but in a grounded manner" solution applied to a somewhat mundane problem, and then have even that fail for mild comedic effect. Celestia playfully rimming Twilight over it felt like the exact right amount of comeuppance.
Thank you for reading!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Twilestia where they're more equal is something that didn't exist back in 2013 when I was reading fanfics - there was always a teacher-student, age-difference thing going on that wasn't to my liking.
Now that they're on more equal footing, I think it feels much better. I wonder what good stories are out there for me to find?
Thank you for reading!
>>pigeonsmall
Twilight really would stop at nothing once she decides she knows what's best, huh?
Thank you for reading!
>>CoffeeMinion
Wow, your review is /exactly/ what I was hoping to achieve! Thank you for the kind words!
And thank you for reading!
PS. What even is the proper way to relay someone reading a letter, stylistically? Is multi-paragraph dialog even the right tool?