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The Pinkie Pick Me Up
Headline: Teaparty Fiasco at the Royal Palace Leads to Sugar Embargo Across Equestria!
“This is just ridiculous,” Mr.Cake dropped the newspaper onto the table feeling at a loss. “At this rate, there won’t be enough sugar to last us another week even on a slow day,” Mrs. Cake stepped dejectedly out of the cellars fully stocked with everything but their most precious ingredient, finishing her husband’s thought.
“Let alone Pinkie Pie’s birthday party.” The mare sighed. “Honey do you think we’ll have to cancel?”
“Oh don’t say such ridiculous things, honey!” Carrot Cake put a comforting hoof around his wife’s shoulders. “We’ll pull through this sugar trade ban and give our Pinkie Pie the best of sugary treats we can muster!” He paused to contemplate. “Besides, she did say there is plenty of sugar stored away on her family farm, once she comes back with it we’ll be ready to g-”
“Pinkie is back with the yeyo! Yahoo!” A pink flash burst through the bakery’s front door, landing in front of the married couple with a perfect ten and saddle bags laden with the precious white gold of bakers across the country. “I’m baaaack~”
“Goodness that was fast, Pinkie!” Cupcake gasped in astonishment, noticing the stuffed bright pink saddle bags, and knowing the abilities of her apprentice there was likely a lot more in there than what could be physically seen. “And you made it back with the sugar!” Cupcake tittered delightedly, giving Pinkie a big hug. “Looks like we’ll be staying in business for a while yet.”
“Yep! I told you you could count on me!” Pinkie Pie laughed. “ I got enough here to last Sugar Cube Corner a full month and then some, plus extra for my birthday party preparations.”
“I hope a month is all Celestia needs to sort out proper tea etiquette with the Bridelians...” Carrot Cake mused.
“Oh I don’t think we’ll have to worry that much, my family has plenty of sugar on the homestead. We’re practically growing the stuff!”
“Doesn’t your family run a rock farm, Pinkie?” Mr. Cake asked.
“And...is your family alright with us using their sugar? I hope you told them we’ll pay them back as soon as we’re able.”
“Dooon’t worry about it, Mrs.C.” Pinkie waggled a brow in what she must have assumed was an assuring gesture. “They’re fine with me using the Pie family’s super special super secret don’t tell anyone or else rock sugar!”
“S-secret you say?” Cupcake stammered.
“Don’t worry about it! It’s a seeeecreeeet!” Pinkie Pie whisper-shouted in that exaggerated way that makes sure everypony within earshot can hear everything. Then she straightened up and began to bounce around. “No time to waste! I’m going to get started on the desserts!”
“We’ll help!” The married couple said in unison eager to get their business running again.
“Sure sure! But wait! We don’t have a lot of time left. But that’s fine because my secret sugar can help us out!” Pinkie Pie pulled out a bag of sugar, it looked a lot different than the normal way sugar was packaged. This packaging was clear in lightly crinkled plastic and completely unmarked. It also all looked like powdered sugar, none of it was granulated, but the Cakes assumed it would work in batters as well, with Pinkie Pie’s assurance that it would.
“This sugar is magical, or at least more magical than regular sugar. I guess that's why it's a family secret and all that.” With a little ‘pop’ she opened the bag, revealing the powdery substance to the air. “If you take just a tiny whiff it’ll give you a boost better than Applejack’s Zap Apple Jam! Look I’ll show you!”
She was right, the Cakes could hardly remember their work but it must have been the most rewarding baking spree of their lives. The output of baked goods drew in a crowd of Ponyville citizens to Sugar Cube Corner, drooling from the warming delectable smells blooming within.
“Iiiiit’s Party Time! Come on let's dance!” Not long after, Pinkie’s birthday party was underway and what a banger it was! The entire town was invited as was usual for a Pinkie Party, the snacks and drinks, delicious as ever. The Cake couple, unable to fully understand the goings on from the dimmed confines of their bedroom, still reeling from the vicious drop off from the magical Pie Family sugar, could not help but notice something strange from what they could hear going on outside. The deafening beat of the music wasn’t enough to drown out the screaming and crashing of chairs onto tables, or was it ponies? Mrs. Cake couldn’t tell.
“Ooh goodness. What is going on out there...” Her husband answered her with a groan, his body laid flat and still against the bed, flinching at even the tiniest sliver of light that managed to seep in under the doorway. “No idea honey. I-I can’t move my legs.” With a huff Cupcake groaned and rolled off the bed. “It certainly sounds rambunctious. I’ll go see.” The mare was able to reach the door and somehow step outside to peek into the flashing popping and yapping audial visual hellscape that consumed their downstairs shop area.
Sleep was just about to overtake Carrot Cake before his wife clumsily tumbled back into the room, her eyes wide and bloodshot.
“What’s going on down there?” Mr. Cake asked in a panic.
“H-honey,” Mrs. Cake glanced over her shoulder. “I think we should contact the police.”
Minutes later Ponyville’s tiny police force mobilized on the small bakery. They attempted to round up the fifty or so party goers with mixed results. Most were subdued without much issue but a good twenty mares and stallions sitting outside the building bolted when they heard the paddy wagon’s wailing siren.
“Ma’am are you the cause of all this?” Officer Iron Clasp knew who he was speaking to but chose to uphold professionalism. Behind him, another officer was pulling a stallion down an unresponsive stallion who had been stuck up in the rafters. “Do you have any idea what you were putting into your baked goods?” Pinkie moped, her mane partially deflating. “No sir! I thought it was just sugar from my family’s rock farm. I swear it!” The officer’s sighed and muttered to themselves, the ones not chasing after the intoxicated party ponies were sent to the Pie family farm for further questioning. Iron Clasp figured it his due diligence to explain the truth behind her family’s super special super secret don’t tell anyone or else rock sugar.
“Ooooh...That explains a lot.” Pinkie said aloud with dawning realization. “I had no idea! This was my first time ever using the stuff, but my parents and sisters use it all the time. They called a “Pinkie pick me up”. But they said I never needed it.”
Iron Clasp balked at the claim. “I find that hard to believe. You were in the epicenter of an utter funnel cloud of sneezeball and buttercream frosting. If you aren’t high on that then what are you high on?”
With a wide grin and eyes beaming, Pinkie Pie giggled and bounced around, but only a little since it's a bit hard to bounce with your forehooves bound together. “I’m high on life, silly!”
“This is just ridiculous,” Mr.Cake dropped the newspaper onto the table feeling at a loss. “At this rate, there won’t be enough sugar to last us another week even on a slow day,” Mrs. Cake stepped dejectedly out of the cellars fully stocked with everything but their most precious ingredient, finishing her husband’s thought.
“Let alone Pinkie Pie’s birthday party.” The mare sighed. “Honey do you think we’ll have to cancel?”
“Oh don’t say such ridiculous things, honey!” Carrot Cake put a comforting hoof around his wife’s shoulders. “We’ll pull through this sugar trade ban and give our Pinkie Pie the best of sugary treats we can muster!” He paused to contemplate. “Besides, she did say there is plenty of sugar stored away on her family farm, once she comes back with it we’ll be ready to g-”
“Pinkie is back with the yeyo! Yahoo!” A pink flash burst through the bakery’s front door, landing in front of the married couple with a perfect ten and saddle bags laden with the precious white gold of bakers across the country. “I’m baaaack~”
“Goodness that was fast, Pinkie!” Cupcake gasped in astonishment, noticing the stuffed bright pink saddle bags, and knowing the abilities of her apprentice there was likely a lot more in there than what could be physically seen. “And you made it back with the sugar!” Cupcake tittered delightedly, giving Pinkie a big hug. “Looks like we’ll be staying in business for a while yet.”
“Yep! I told you you could count on me!” Pinkie Pie laughed. “ I got enough here to last Sugar Cube Corner a full month and then some, plus extra for my birthday party preparations.”
“I hope a month is all Celestia needs to sort out proper tea etiquette with the Bridelians...” Carrot Cake mused.
“Oh I don’t think we’ll have to worry that much, my family has plenty of sugar on the homestead. We’re practically growing the stuff!”
“Doesn’t your family run a rock farm, Pinkie?” Mr. Cake asked.
“And...is your family alright with us using their sugar? I hope you told them we’ll pay them back as soon as we’re able.”
“Dooon’t worry about it, Mrs.C.” Pinkie waggled a brow in what she must have assumed was an assuring gesture. “They’re fine with me using the Pie family’s super special super secret don’t tell anyone or else rock sugar!”
“S-secret you say?” Cupcake stammered.
“Don’t worry about it! It’s a seeeecreeeet!” Pinkie Pie whisper-shouted in that exaggerated way that makes sure everypony within earshot can hear everything. Then she straightened up and began to bounce around. “No time to waste! I’m going to get started on the desserts!”
“We’ll help!” The married couple said in unison eager to get their business running again.
“Sure sure! But wait! We don’t have a lot of time left. But that’s fine because my secret sugar can help us out!” Pinkie Pie pulled out a bag of sugar, it looked a lot different than the normal way sugar was packaged. This packaging was clear in lightly crinkled plastic and completely unmarked. It also all looked like powdered sugar, none of it was granulated, but the Cakes assumed it would work in batters as well, with Pinkie Pie’s assurance that it would.
“This sugar is magical, or at least more magical than regular sugar. I guess that's why it's a family secret and all that.” With a little ‘pop’ she opened the bag, revealing the powdery substance to the air. “If you take just a tiny whiff it’ll give you a boost better than Applejack’s Zap Apple Jam! Look I’ll show you!”
She was right, the Cakes could hardly remember their work but it must have been the most rewarding baking spree of their lives. The output of baked goods drew in a crowd of Ponyville citizens to Sugar Cube Corner, drooling from the warming delectable smells blooming within.
“Iiiiit’s Party Time! Come on let's dance!” Not long after, Pinkie’s birthday party was underway and what a banger it was! The entire town was invited as was usual for a Pinkie Party, the snacks and drinks, delicious as ever. The Cake couple, unable to fully understand the goings on from the dimmed confines of their bedroom, still reeling from the vicious drop off from the magical Pie Family sugar, could not help but notice something strange from what they could hear going on outside. The deafening beat of the music wasn’t enough to drown out the screaming and crashing of chairs onto tables, or was it ponies? Mrs. Cake couldn’t tell.
“Ooh goodness. What is going on out there...” Her husband answered her with a groan, his body laid flat and still against the bed, flinching at even the tiniest sliver of light that managed to seep in under the doorway. “No idea honey. I-I can’t move my legs.” With a huff Cupcake groaned and rolled off the bed. “It certainly sounds rambunctious. I’ll go see.” The mare was able to reach the door and somehow step outside to peek into the flashing popping and yapping audial visual hellscape that consumed their downstairs shop area.
Sleep was just about to overtake Carrot Cake before his wife clumsily tumbled back into the room, her eyes wide and bloodshot.
“What’s going on down there?” Mr. Cake asked in a panic.
“H-honey,” Mrs. Cake glanced over her shoulder. “I think we should contact the police.”
Minutes later Ponyville’s tiny police force mobilized on the small bakery. They attempted to round up the fifty or so party goers with mixed results. Most were subdued without much issue but a good twenty mares and stallions sitting outside the building bolted when they heard the paddy wagon’s wailing siren.
“Ma’am are you the cause of all this?” Officer Iron Clasp knew who he was speaking to but chose to uphold professionalism. Behind him, another officer was pulling a stallion down an unresponsive stallion who had been stuck up in the rafters. “Do you have any idea what you were putting into your baked goods?” Pinkie moped, her mane partially deflating. “No sir! I thought it was just sugar from my family’s rock farm. I swear it!” The officer’s sighed and muttered to themselves, the ones not chasing after the intoxicated party ponies were sent to the Pie family farm for further questioning. Iron Clasp figured it his due diligence to explain the truth behind her family’s super special super secret don’t tell anyone or else rock sugar.
“Ooooh...That explains a lot.” Pinkie said aloud with dawning realization. “I had no idea! This was my first time ever using the stuff, but my parents and sisters use it all the time. They called a “Pinkie pick me up”. But they said I never needed it.”
Iron Clasp balked at the claim. “I find that hard to believe. You were in the epicenter of an utter funnel cloud of sneezeball and buttercream frosting. If you aren’t high on that then what are you high on?”
With a wide grin and eyes beaming, Pinkie Pie giggled and bounced around, but only a little since it's a bit hard to bounce with your forehooves bound together. “I’m high on life, silly!”
Pics
This story confirms my long-held postulation that powdered sugar is definitely the poor man's cocaine.
Personal prognosis aside, I'm a little bit indifferent on this story. Now, I'm generally indifferent towards comedies in general so you shouldn't be too disappointed to get this reaction from me. Regardless, the humor didn't really resonate with me as well as I think it's supposed to, mostly cause it's pretty obvious from the get go what this story was heading for.
Now, the scene itself is pretty absurd. It's safe to say that there is definitely a story that tickles my funny bone in here somewhere. Part of me is inclined to believe that so much of the story seems to be telling us how the situation got led to that point instead of actually focusing on the situation itself. You know, the funny part.
Seeing as it is a comedy, I don't think we need to know every detail into how the party got to that point for the humor to work. Maybe at most the story could play its cards coyly by trickling the expository stuff bit by bit. Either way, I think spending more of the story on where they are at instead of how they got there would be your best bet in making this story a lot more absurd than it is currently.
Also, the lack of paragraphing of dialogues sorta threw me off at times. It does get a little frustrating reading them personally so maybe you could space them out a little, especially if there's more than one pony involved in the conversation.
So yeah, it's a good story in concept but the execution as it is isn't really my cup of tea. Perhaps more focused perspective would help fix the issues I've mentioned and then some, though that really depends on where you wish to take this idea.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Personal prognosis aside, I'm a little bit indifferent on this story. Now, I'm generally indifferent towards comedies in general so you shouldn't be too disappointed to get this reaction from me. Regardless, the humor didn't really resonate with me as well as I think it's supposed to, mostly cause it's pretty obvious from the get go what this story was heading for.
Now, the scene itself is pretty absurd. It's safe to say that there is definitely a story that tickles my funny bone in here somewhere. Part of me is inclined to believe that so much of the story seems to be telling us how the situation got led to that point instead of actually focusing on the situation itself. You know, the funny part.
Seeing as it is a comedy, I don't think we need to know every detail into how the party got to that point for the humor to work. Maybe at most the story could play its cards coyly by trickling the expository stuff bit by bit. Either way, I think spending more of the story on where they are at instead of how they got there would be your best bet in making this story a lot more absurd than it is currently.
Also, the lack of paragraphing of dialogues sorta threw me off at times. It does get a little frustrating reading them personally so maybe you could space them out a little, especially if there's more than one pony involved in the conversation.
So yeah, it's a good story in concept but the execution as it is isn't really my cup of tea. Perhaps more focused perspective would help fix the issues I've mentioned and then some, though that really depends on where you wish to take this idea.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
This story was unsatisfying for me. I wanted to learn what happened that imposed the sugar ban to begin with, but after the setup it never comes up again. I think that with such short stories, there shouldn't be plot points that are brought up and never addressed. The story would be unchanged if it directly started with: "The Cakes ran out of sugar for the party, Pinkie remembered there was `special sugar` at the rock farm and zipped there and back with some."
Opening with an incident that necessitated a country-wide sugar ban and never exploring it seems like a wasted opportunity, as that honestly feels like a funnier idea than "oops, accidental crack cocaine."
With that said, as a "Pinkie Pie accidentally reveals her family's crack operation" story, I think the fic delivers. I did think it was a bit too easy to see it was going there, though. I was hoping for something to up the ante towards the end, but I feel we never quite got that. Nevertheless, I thought that the characterization was consistent and solid throughout.
There were several technical issues that can be easily remedied:
- You should never have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. (https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue)
- You have some run-on sentences. In most cases, you would've been fine with just using a full stop earlier. Reading the fic aloud really helps with catching such issues.
- I feel like you needed a scene transition mark for the coke baking.
Thank you for the story!
Opening with an incident that necessitated a country-wide sugar ban and never exploring it seems like a wasted opportunity, as that honestly feels like a funnier idea than "oops, accidental crack cocaine."
With that said, as a "Pinkie Pie accidentally reveals her family's crack operation" story, I think the fic delivers. I did think it was a bit too easy to see it was going there, though. I was hoping for something to up the ante towards the end, but I feel we never quite got that. Nevertheless, I thought that the characterization was consistent and solid throughout.
There were several technical issues that can be easily remedied:
- You should never have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. (https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue)
- You have some run-on sentences. In most cases, you would've been fine with just using a full stop earlier. Reading the fic aloud really helps with catching such issues.
- I feel like you needed a scene transition mark for the coke baking.
Thank you for the story!
Premise: Pinkie Pie is the new Tony Montana, but, like, accidentally
This one had a lot of technical rough edges that distracted me. I imagine that would get better if there was more time to edit, though, so moving on...
The big problem is that this just can't be long enough for everything the story wants to touch one. There's a big noodle incident that causes a sugar ban for some reason, which could be compelling if it was explored, but when it's just rushed in to create an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up, well, that's exactly what it ends up feeling like - an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up. It feels like contrivance for the sake of plot, rather than being organically part of the plot.
The main plot thread of the story suffers similar pacing problems. It's just too fast, which, again, is a function of needing to do more than the short-shorts format has time to do for a story like this. The good news is, that's not an inherent problem with the story itself as a concept; the pacing just needs to be worked and the narrative expanded in the next draft.
This one had a lot of technical rough edges that distracted me. I imagine that would get better if there was more time to edit, though, so moving on...
The big problem is that this just can't be long enough for everything the story wants to touch one. There's a big noodle incident that causes a sugar ban for some reason, which could be compelling if it was explored, but when it's just rushed in to create an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up, well, that's exactly what it ends up feeling like - an excuse for the story's main premise to get set up. It feels like contrivance for the sake of plot, rather than being organically part of the plot.
The main plot thread of the story suffers similar pacing problems. It's just too fast, which, again, is a function of needing to do more than the short-shorts format has time to do for a story like this. The good news is, that's not an inherent problem with the story itself as a concept; the pacing just needs to be worked and the narrative expanded in the next draft.
Lol Jesus Christ this story is pretty terrible. But what's more terrible are the readers taking it more seriously than the writer obviously did by about a rough estimate of 300%.
The best part is some guy acknowledging the sugar ban is a "noodle incident" meaning there is no story behind it that's the point of a noodle incident.
But then he says the story is bad because it doesn't explain everything anyway. Mkay.
The grammar advice is good though.
The best part is some guy acknowledging the sugar ban is a "noodle incident" meaning there is no story behind it that's the point of a noodle incident.
But then he says the story is bad because it doesn't explain everything anyway. Mkay.
The grammar advice is good though.
Give the nice horsie a sugar cube! (LSD laced.) I think this story is best taken as a first draft, as its joke premise could actually be compelling if the Pie family as drugmakers aspect were explored, offering more than Pinkie's revelation that she's perpetually high on powerful friendship vibes and a hoofshine.
Not quite my cup of 4:20 tea, but at least worth the read. Thanks for contributing, Author!
Not quite my cup of 4:20 tea, but at least worth the read. Thanks for contributing, Author!
I like the scenario put forward by the opening! And I like it that Pinkie has helped resolve things in the most *interesting* way possible. I wondered if this was going to turn out to be pony-cocaine (poncaine?), and indeed it was.
The ensuing "party" and its wrap-up feel fast relative to the rest of the story. There's a good deal of build-up, but at the moment IMO there's more comic potential that could be mined out of the scenario.
It's framed-up for this to be a strong comic moment though, which is good; it's primed for expansion, should you choose to do so!
The ensuing "party" and its wrap-up feel fast relative to the rest of the story. There's a good deal of build-up, but at the moment IMO there's more comic potential that could be mined out of the scenario.
It's framed-up for this to be a strong comic moment though, which is good; it's primed for expansion, should you choose to do so!