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The Clever One
When Twilight Sparkle rubbed the antique Saddle Arabian lamp and the smoke that unexpectedly billowed out (except that she had expected it, based on a hunch she’d had that the old myth wasn’t entirely full of it, which was why she’d bought the lamp in the first place) revealed a djinn, her first question was to show politeness by asking the djinn’s name. Her second question was how many wishes she was due.
And, naturally, her first wish was the inevitable attempt to wish for more wishes.
“No.” Serhoofina (for that was the djinn’s name) shook her ethereal, flame-formed head, equally inevitably denying the request. “Everypony tries that, of course. But there are rules.”
“Okay.” Twilight pondered the situation for a moment. “Then I wish to be allowed to change the rules governing permitted wishes,” she pronounced.
“I just said, no wishing for more—”
“I didn’t,” Twilight interrupted Serhoofina. “I only wished to be able to change the rules, not for more wishes.”
Serhoofina scowled. “Fine.” She raised and clopped down her right forehoof. Poof. A burst of smoke rose from it. “Granted.”
Twilight grinned with delight. “Okay! I wish to be allowed to wish for more wishes,” she continued.
“I—” Serhoofina’s scowl deepened. “You may indeed wish for that, now, and I’m obliged to grant it. So!” Once again, she raised and clopped down her right forehoof. Poof. “Granted. That’s two out of three used. I don’t suppose there can there be any question as to what the third will—”
“I wish for infinite wishes!” Twilight burst out, grinning with giddy delight.
Sighing deeply, Serhoofina raised and clopped down her right forehoof a third time. Poof. “Granted.”
They stood staring at each other for a while, Twilight’s face alight with a self-satisfied smile, while Serhoofina just looked blank.
“Would you like to start making the first of your no doubt soon-to-be many wishes now, then?” she finally asked.
“Whoa whoa whoa, no! Not just like that.” Twilight shook her head. “Magical wishes are pretty serious business. I have a feeling it’s best to think things through and be careful with them.”
“Oh, yes, obviously,” Serhoofina muttered, voice thick with sarcasm, rolling her ghostly eyes.
“Oh jeeze. Oh no. This is bad. This is so bad.” Twilight huffed and puffed, on the verge of hyperventilating. She paced back and forth, for all of the three steps there were to pace inside the walk-in closet where she was hiding.
“You said ice cream,” Serhoofina replied innocently, “and now there’s ice cream. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is there’s so much of it!” Twilight snapped, half-shouting while she scooped cold dessert out of her mane and tossed it on the ground helplessly.
“Yeah, and you probably should have asked if the emissary was allergic, too,” Serhoofina added.
“She’s allergic?!” Twilight struggled not to scream, glaring with an apoplectic eye-twitch.
“I don’t know.” Serhoofina shrugged. “Probably not. You just should have asked, is all.”
“Stop doing that!” Twilight snarled.
“Doing what?” Serhoofina frowned. “You’re the one making the wishes.”
“Yeah, well, right about now I wish there was some sort of… of… undo button, or something,” Twilight said, returning to pacing.
“I don’t know, you wished yourself into this, and look where you are. You really want to try wishing your way out, too?” Serhoofina asked.
“I don’t see another way, not on such short notice,” Twilight groaned. “I’m already sunk. Double-or-nothing is a terrible, desperate bet to have to make, but here I am. So yes. I wish for, uh… Let’s see.” She pondered. “Since something like this is likely to happen again, I could use something more permanent and more convenient than just burning a wish to undo a single previous wish every time… So yes, that’s what I want. I wish for an undo button that always undoes my most recent wish.”
Serhoofina clopped down her right forehoof. Poof. “Granted.”
A small metal box with a single button on it appeared, hovering in midair between the two of them. Twilight grasped it in her magic and pulled it to herself, and quickly pushed the button with her hoof.
The box vanished.
Twilight blinked.
“Uhhh… what?”
“You hit the undo button,” Serhoofina explained. “It undid your most recent wish.”
A look of dawning chagrin clouded Twilight’s expression. “…And my most recent wish was for an undo button.” She closed her eyes and buried her face in her hoof. “Because of course this would happen.”
“Now you’re catching on!” Serhoofina said brightly. “You’re a clever one, Twilight Sparkle.”
“Okay, I’m ready to admit it,” Twilight said miserably, hanging her head. She shook the soot out of her coat and singed hair, letting it fall and settle on the map room floor in her crystal castle. “I’m terrible at making wishes.”
“Aww, don’t feel bad.” Serhoofina patted Twilight’s withers gently with a sympathetic hoof. “Everypony’s terrible at it. They all think they have it figured out and they’re gonna be great at it, but they never are. And anyway, this is only the second time everything’s ended up on fire. Most of them take until the third time to realize it. Which, coincidentally, is also when they’re out of wishes.”
“Is this all to teach me some sort of lesson about hubris?” Twilight finally looked up, grinning weakly through her bruises.
“Well, if you take it on your own initiative to get some self-reflection out of this, then in my opinion you’re one of wiser ponies I’ve ever met,” Serhoofina said. “But no, not really. No lessons. I just do wishes. Don’t know what to tell you.”
“A mere pony was not meant to have this kind of power,” Twilight moaned.
“You know, I think you might be on to something there,” Serhoofina agreed. “There’s hope for you yet, Sparkle.”
Twilight walked toward her crystal chair, limping slightly in her left rear leg. “I wish I’d never found your stupid lamp and and I wish I’d never made any wishes at all!” she griped.
“Ooooh! Finally! We’re doing something I want to do,” Serhoofina said happily. “Granted!”
Twilight’s eyes widened with sudden-growing panic.
“Wait, what—”
Serhoofina’s hoof slammed down. Poof.
And, naturally, her first wish was the inevitable attempt to wish for more wishes.
“No.” Serhoofina (for that was the djinn’s name) shook her ethereal, flame-formed head, equally inevitably denying the request. “Everypony tries that, of course. But there are rules.”
“Okay.” Twilight pondered the situation for a moment. “Then I wish to be allowed to change the rules governing permitted wishes,” she pronounced.
“I just said, no wishing for more—”
“I didn’t,” Twilight interrupted Serhoofina. “I only wished to be able to change the rules, not for more wishes.”
Serhoofina scowled. “Fine.” She raised and clopped down her right forehoof. Poof. A burst of smoke rose from it. “Granted.”
Twilight grinned with delight. “Okay! I wish to be allowed to wish for more wishes,” she continued.
“I—” Serhoofina’s scowl deepened. “You may indeed wish for that, now, and I’m obliged to grant it. So!” Once again, she raised and clopped down her right forehoof. Poof. “Granted. That’s two out of three used. I don’t suppose there can there be any question as to what the third will—”
“I wish for infinite wishes!” Twilight burst out, grinning with giddy delight.
Sighing deeply, Serhoofina raised and clopped down her right forehoof a third time. Poof. “Granted.”
They stood staring at each other for a while, Twilight’s face alight with a self-satisfied smile, while Serhoofina just looked blank.
“Would you like to start making the first of your no doubt soon-to-be many wishes now, then?” she finally asked.
“Whoa whoa whoa, no! Not just like that.” Twilight shook her head. “Magical wishes are pretty serious business. I have a feeling it’s best to think things through and be careful with them.”
“Oh, yes, obviously,” Serhoofina muttered, voice thick with sarcasm, rolling her ghostly eyes.
“Oh jeeze. Oh no. This is bad. This is so bad.” Twilight huffed and puffed, on the verge of hyperventilating. She paced back and forth, for all of the three steps there were to pace inside the walk-in closet where she was hiding.
“You said ice cream,” Serhoofina replied innocently, “and now there’s ice cream. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is there’s so much of it!” Twilight snapped, half-shouting while she scooped cold dessert out of her mane and tossed it on the ground helplessly.
“Yeah, and you probably should have asked if the emissary was allergic, too,” Serhoofina added.
“She’s allergic?!” Twilight struggled not to scream, glaring with an apoplectic eye-twitch.
“I don’t know.” Serhoofina shrugged. “Probably not. You just should have asked, is all.”
“Stop doing that!” Twilight snarled.
“Doing what?” Serhoofina frowned. “You’re the one making the wishes.”
“Yeah, well, right about now I wish there was some sort of… of… undo button, or something,” Twilight said, returning to pacing.
“I don’t know, you wished yourself into this, and look where you are. You really want to try wishing your way out, too?” Serhoofina asked.
“I don’t see another way, not on such short notice,” Twilight groaned. “I’m already sunk. Double-or-nothing is a terrible, desperate bet to have to make, but here I am. So yes. I wish for, uh… Let’s see.” She pondered. “Since something like this is likely to happen again, I could use something more permanent and more convenient than just burning a wish to undo a single previous wish every time… So yes, that’s what I want. I wish for an undo button that always undoes my most recent wish.”
Serhoofina clopped down her right forehoof. Poof. “Granted.”
A small metal box with a single button on it appeared, hovering in midair between the two of them. Twilight grasped it in her magic and pulled it to herself, and quickly pushed the button with her hoof.
The box vanished.
Twilight blinked.
“Uhhh… what?”
“You hit the undo button,” Serhoofina explained. “It undid your most recent wish.”
A look of dawning chagrin clouded Twilight’s expression. “…And my most recent wish was for an undo button.” She closed her eyes and buried her face in her hoof. “Because of course this would happen.”
“Now you’re catching on!” Serhoofina said brightly. “You’re a clever one, Twilight Sparkle.”
“Okay, I’m ready to admit it,” Twilight said miserably, hanging her head. She shook the soot out of her coat and singed hair, letting it fall and settle on the map room floor in her crystal castle. “I’m terrible at making wishes.”
“Aww, don’t feel bad.” Serhoofina patted Twilight’s withers gently with a sympathetic hoof. “Everypony’s terrible at it. They all think they have it figured out and they’re gonna be great at it, but they never are. And anyway, this is only the second time everything’s ended up on fire. Most of them take until the third time to realize it. Which, coincidentally, is also when they’re out of wishes.”
“Is this all to teach me some sort of lesson about hubris?” Twilight finally looked up, grinning weakly through her bruises.
“Well, if you take it on your own initiative to get some self-reflection out of this, then in my opinion you’re one of wiser ponies I’ve ever met,” Serhoofina said. “But no, not really. No lessons. I just do wishes. Don’t know what to tell you.”
“A mere pony was not meant to have this kind of power,” Twilight moaned.
“You know, I think you might be on to something there,” Serhoofina agreed. “There’s hope for you yet, Sparkle.”
Twilight walked toward her crystal chair, limping slightly in her left rear leg. “I wish I’d never found your stupid lamp and and I wish I’d never made any wishes at all!” she griped.
“Ooooh! Finally! We’re doing something I want to do,” Serhoofina said happily. “Granted!”
Twilight’s eyes widened with sudden-growing panic.
“Wait, what—”
Serhoofina’s hoof slammed down. Poof.
Pics
For me, this was a perfectly middle-of-the-road story.
The writing was good, the characterization solid, the premise... well-trodden.
I was hoping for a double-cross by Twilight. Maybe she deals with the monkey-paw-esque djinn in a clever way? Or things get really bad, and only then does she learn the lesson about wanting to cheat fate? The ending we get in the fic is kind of in that direction, but it seems like something much more drastic than a little explosion would be needed to dissuade Twilight.
I was surprised Twilight didn't see how the undo button would immediately misfire. At that point, I started wondering if choosing a different character than might have worked better, someone more prone to getting tangled in their own web. Maybe Starlight Glimmer, maybe Trixie?
On the writing front, I think the story did very well technically and structurally. There were some run-on sentences (esp that first paragraph, eesh) but nothing too distracting.
The writing was good, the characterization solid, the premise... well-trodden.
I was hoping for a double-cross by Twilight. Maybe she deals with the monkey-paw-esque djinn in a clever way? Or things get really bad, and only then does she learn the lesson about wanting to cheat fate? The ending we get in the fic is kind of in that direction, but it seems like something much more drastic than a little explosion would be needed to dissuade Twilight.
I was surprised Twilight didn't see how the undo button would immediately misfire. At that point, I started wondering if choosing a different character than might have worked better, someone more prone to getting tangled in their own web. Maybe Starlight Glimmer, maybe Trixie?
On the writing front, I think the story did very well technically and structurally. There were some run-on sentences (esp that first paragraph, eesh) but nothing too distracting.
Comedy numero tres. Also a story involving Twilight. I'm starting to think there's some secret cabal in the making here.
This one, I had fun with as well. The concept might be done to death but it's the execution that always keeps me on my feet. Dialogue is punchy, the humor hits just nice and the flow of the dialogue is almost superfluous.
Almost.
I say almost because there's a lot of instances of a piece of conversation happening that is immediately followed by 'Pony X performs action'. It's not something I'm usually bothered by, mostly cause I know how much this would seem like a story of talking heads had it been absent, but I do think the story went a little bit overboard with this one. Maybe a bit of trimming on that front would do it some good. Regardless, I really enjoyed reading this.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
This one, I had fun with as well. The concept might be done to death but it's the execution that always keeps me on my feet. Dialogue is punchy, the humor hits just nice and the flow of the dialogue is almost superfluous.
Almost.
I say almost because there's a lot of instances of a piece of conversation happening that is immediately followed by 'Pony X performs action'. It's not something I'm usually bothered by, mostly cause I know how much this would seem like a story of talking heads had it been absent, but I do think the story went a little bit overboard with this one. Maybe a bit of trimming on that front would do it some good. Regardless, I really enjoyed reading this.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Overtrod conceptual ground (by a wide margin, everybody does a genie story eventually), so execution rather than originality is the only thing that's relevant to grade on here.
And the execution is fun, so fair enough.
The one big 'thing' that got me is that this doesn't feel like Twilight.
It feels like, I dunno, Starlight. Or Trixie (if Trixie was this clever, but I have trouble reading her that way).
Feeling like this is the wrong main character really hurts the story, IMO. But the good news is that it's a super easy revision to make - you're one find-and-replace away from achieving a great success of execution on a familiar, well-explored trope.
And the execution is fun, so fair enough.
The one big 'thing' that got me is that this doesn't feel like Twilight.
It feels like, I dunno, Starlight. Or Trixie (if Trixie was this clever, but I have trouble reading her that way).
Feeling like this is the wrong main character really hurts the story, IMO. But the good news is that it's a super easy revision to make - you're one find-and-replace away from achieving a great success of execution on a familiar, well-explored trope.
I've been spoiled by rational fics and really wanted to see Twilight pull a Hermione and leverage the rules and twist logic to make herself a goddess, end death forever, and so on. She's not being Twilight enough in this one for my tastes and is rather slow on the uptake. It takes a lot nowadays to outshine the genie stories that have been done before, and I don't want to fault the author for not achieving this in the constraints of a Writeoff. Still, some time spent meditating on how Twilight could make more optimal decisions (or just replacing her with a character slower on the uptake) could improve this piece. Thanks for contributing, author!
So I wonder if she can undo the final wish. She did ask for infinite wishes. Does wishing that it all never happened really undo that?
Pretty cool story but I feel it lacks chaos. The wishes seem to be interpreted literally and not all "monkey paw" logic. So Twilight shouldn't be scared about her final wish outburst. Serhoofina is doing her a favor.
I kinda feel like this story would have been better if the main character was Rainbow Dash. Someone less clever and much more lacking in forward thinking. I can only imagine the damage her wishes would cause.
Pretty cool story but I feel it lacks chaos. The wishes seem to be interpreted literally and not all "monkey paw" logic. So Twilight shouldn't be scared about her final wish outburst. Serhoofina is doing her a favor.
I kinda feel like this story would have been better if the main character was Rainbow Dash. Someone less clever and much more lacking in forward thinking. I can only imagine the damage her wishes would cause.
I have two bits of criticism, followed by a great deal of enjoyment.
First, the opening line runs on a bit. I'm very guilty of run-on openers, so I recognize a bit of myself here. I get that you're going for wit and characterization but it ends up being harder to digest than it might need to be.
Second, a lot of the negative consequences of Twi's wishes are hinted at or mentioned, rather than shown. This blunts the relatability of Twilight's frustration with the situation--because we can't see it.
But I love it how Twilight jumps outside the traditional djinn wish-restriction, but then immediately gets serious about what to do from there. That feels very on-point for her. The undo button is hilarious! And I like how this ends, for the most part. Twilight going for a complete undo on the scenario feels appropriate. She's smart but not smart enough to avoid trouble, and not too egotistical to admit that and try to fix things.
Good stuff!
First, the opening line runs on a bit. I'm very guilty of run-on openers, so I recognize a bit of myself here. I get that you're going for wit and characterization but it ends up being harder to digest than it might need to be.
Second, a lot of the negative consequences of Twi's wishes are hinted at or mentioned, rather than shown. This blunts the relatability of Twilight's frustration with the situation--because we can't see it.
But I love it how Twilight jumps outside the traditional djinn wish-restriction, but then immediately gets serious about what to do from there. That feels very on-point for her. The undo button is hilarious! And I like how this ends, for the most part. Twilight going for a complete undo on the scenario feels appropriate. She's smart but not smart enough to avoid trouble, and not too egotistical to admit that and try to fix things.
Good stuff!