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Defense Budget
"Twilight," Celestia said, beaming, "thank you for coming on such short notice."
"Of course!"
"We have two very important items to discuss with you."
"One item," Luna sternly corrected.
"Two related items," Celestia levied, ending the discussion. "There haven't been any displaced popping up in Ponyville you neglected to mention these past months?"
Twilight cast about furtive glances. "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about those."
"It is safe here. Please."
"Um, no," Twilight answered warily. "I would have written immediately. Actually, Fluttershy has been finally starting to relax without having to worry about humans or red-black alicorn maniacs barging into her cottage expecting sex. Her warden is getting fed up with the interminable pet care, though, but won't complain to her about it."
"It is the same with Luna. Less the pet care."
"I told you that in confidence, dear sister."
"The is the same in the castle," Celestia amended. "However, the abrupt and inexplicable termination of visits is as confusing and worrisome as it is welcome. We do not know why they have stopped. As you are aware, it is no small cost in funds and horsepower to maintain the deportation bureau."
"We need more information," Luna said, "if we are to decide how, or whether, to restructure the bureau."
"Oh," Twilight began.
"With your experience in a similar human world, we have made the arrangements. In the royal baths you will find a skirt, v-cut tank top, tall boots, and a baseball cap. Missing from your ensemble will be your cellular phone, which we have heard you might acquire from a 'vendor' just outside the 'main event hall' in the royal kitchens, where other human cosplayers are already engaged."
Luna stood quietly through this, somberly shaking her head.
"We have every confidence that you will safely reach their world and appear as a native. It will be your task to learn why their displacement has halted, and report back."
"That, um," Twilight started, pondering how to proceed. "Right, that makes sense. Is the portal not working?"
Celestia's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, why go through the bizarre ritual of theirs? We send them back permanently with the banishment circle, but we use the portal for going to other worlds, so I'm curious about the mock-up convention."
"We have been unable to connect the mirror portal to that world," Luna stated.
"Ok. Um. That makes sense. That being the case, how am I getting back?"
"I don't follow."
"I'm using the convention ritual to displace myself, but how am I going to return to Equestria?"
Celestia and Luna looked at one another, their faces perfectly blank to Twilight's eyes.
"You do have a way planned, right?"
The sisters looked at Twilight in perfect synchrony.
"You don't?"
Back to each other.
"Of course you don't." Twilight took a calming breath. "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that my role models make mistakes, too, but that is no reason to think any less of them. They have erred many times without your noticing, and will do so again, as you will. What is important is to aspire to the best of what you see in them. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight gave them both a sheepish grin, which quickly faded. Their stares upon her had acquired discernable tinges of assessment bordering on hunger.
"We are tabling this, or doing more research, right?"
"We're considering, Twilight."
"You aren't seriously considering sending me without a safe means of return, are you? Just how large is the deportation bureau's budget anyway?"
"It's staggering," Luna said.
"Ruinous," Celestia added.
"You're trying to decide how much my disappearing forever is worth. That's not a question, that's what I would do, and I'm appalled and terrified."
"We must make such decisions as rulers of Equestria," Celestia lamented.
"I don't want to go."
The sisters blinked, as if broken from a trance. They looked to each other with some surprise.
"She doesn't want to go," Luna observed.
"When she puts it like that..." Celestia trailed off in thought.
"I mean," Twilight offered, "I'll gladly work on --"
"Luna, you should go."
"What?"
"What?"
"You know the stakes better than anypony --"
"Excepting yourself," Luna interrupted.
"--Excepting myself. You have much personal experience with the displaced, and enjoyed some of it."
"In. Confidence," Luna hissed.
"You have the fortitude to exploit every means at your disposal. And your absense won't collapse the hegemony as mine would."
"We don't want to go."
The pair locked glowers for a good while.
"So...!" Twilight interjected with a very self-aware laugh. "How about everypony just table this visitation idea, and we'll look harder at portal magic for a month?"
"We can stretch a month easily enough," Luna proprosed.
"The kitchen staff will feel very consternated that all their inconvenience went to waste," Celestia observed.
The dam broke. "Twilight and I could have been gone forever!"
"I'm so sorry!" Celestia bawled.
"I'm sorry, too!"
"To the archives!" Twilight cheered desperately.
"Make-up ice cream! Make-up cake," Luna corrected herself, "and ice cream!"
"And then the archives!"
Celestia gave in. "Cake and archives!"
"And ice cream!"
The throne room door opened. "Princess Celestia," the aide began, "the Saddle Mare-abian delegation is waiting --"
Instantly serene, Celertia turned and addressed him. "Equestria is going broke funding a defense against constant threat of a bizarre, currently mysteriously-absent threat, I almost exiled my only family on accident, and the delegation must be tired from their travels and would prefer to spend today touring the city's many relaxing and diverting indulgences in expectancy of my full attention tomorrow morning."
"Yes, your heighness... heighnesses." He withdrew until his nose remained visible, paused, then re-emerged. "Shall I have cake brought up?"
Celestia smiled, glancing to Luna and Twilight with a curious expression. "And ice cream!"
"Of course!"
"We have two very important items to discuss with you."
"One item," Luna sternly corrected.
"Two related items," Celestia levied, ending the discussion. "There haven't been any displaced popping up in Ponyville you neglected to mention these past months?"
Twilight cast about furtive glances. "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about those."
"It is safe here. Please."
"Um, no," Twilight answered warily. "I would have written immediately. Actually, Fluttershy has been finally starting to relax without having to worry about humans or red-black alicorn maniacs barging into her cottage expecting sex. Her warden is getting fed up with the interminable pet care, though, but won't complain to her about it."
"It is the same with Luna. Less the pet care."
"I told you that in confidence, dear sister."
"The is the same in the castle," Celestia amended. "However, the abrupt and inexplicable termination of visits is as confusing and worrisome as it is welcome. We do not know why they have stopped. As you are aware, it is no small cost in funds and horsepower to maintain the deportation bureau."
"We need more information," Luna said, "if we are to decide how, or whether, to restructure the bureau."
"Oh," Twilight began.
"With your experience in a similar human world, we have made the arrangements. In the royal baths you will find a skirt, v-cut tank top, tall boots, and a baseball cap. Missing from your ensemble will be your cellular phone, which we have heard you might acquire from a 'vendor' just outside the 'main event hall' in the royal kitchens, where other human cosplayers are already engaged."
Luna stood quietly through this, somberly shaking her head.
"We have every confidence that you will safely reach their world and appear as a native. It will be your task to learn why their displacement has halted, and report back."
"That, um," Twilight started, pondering how to proceed. "Right, that makes sense. Is the portal not working?"
Celestia's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, why go through the bizarre ritual of theirs? We send them back permanently with the banishment circle, but we use the portal for going to other worlds, so I'm curious about the mock-up convention."
"We have been unable to connect the mirror portal to that world," Luna stated.
"Ok. Um. That makes sense. That being the case, how am I getting back?"
"I don't follow."
"I'm using the convention ritual to displace myself, but how am I going to return to Equestria?"
Celestia and Luna looked at one another, their faces perfectly blank to Twilight's eyes.
"You do have a way planned, right?"
The sisters looked at Twilight in perfect synchrony.
"You don't?"
Back to each other.
"Of course you don't." Twilight took a calming breath. "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that my role models make mistakes, too, but that is no reason to think any less of them. They have erred many times without your noticing, and will do so again, as you will. What is important is to aspire to the best of what you see in them. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight gave them both a sheepish grin, which quickly faded. Their stares upon her had acquired discernable tinges of assessment bordering on hunger.
"We are tabling this, or doing more research, right?"
"We're considering, Twilight."
"You aren't seriously considering sending me without a safe means of return, are you? Just how large is the deportation bureau's budget anyway?"
"It's staggering," Luna said.
"Ruinous," Celestia added.
"You're trying to decide how much my disappearing forever is worth. That's not a question, that's what I would do, and I'm appalled and terrified."
"We must make such decisions as rulers of Equestria," Celestia lamented.
"I don't want to go."
The sisters blinked, as if broken from a trance. They looked to each other with some surprise.
"She doesn't want to go," Luna observed.
"When she puts it like that..." Celestia trailed off in thought.
"I mean," Twilight offered, "I'll gladly work on --"
"Luna, you should go."
"What?"
"What?"
"You know the stakes better than anypony --"
"Excepting yourself," Luna interrupted.
"--Excepting myself. You have much personal experience with the displaced, and enjoyed some of it."
"In. Confidence," Luna hissed.
"You have the fortitude to exploit every means at your disposal. And your absense won't collapse the hegemony as mine would."
"We don't want to go."
The pair locked glowers for a good while.
"So...!" Twilight interjected with a very self-aware laugh. "How about everypony just table this visitation idea, and we'll look harder at portal magic for a month?"
"We can stretch a month easily enough," Luna proprosed.
"The kitchen staff will feel very consternated that all their inconvenience went to waste," Celestia observed.
The dam broke. "Twilight and I could have been gone forever!"
"I'm so sorry!" Celestia bawled.
"I'm sorry, too!"
"To the archives!" Twilight cheered desperately.
"Make-up ice cream! Make-up cake," Luna corrected herself, "and ice cream!"
"And then the archives!"
Celestia gave in. "Cake and archives!"
"And ice cream!"
The throne room door opened. "Princess Celestia," the aide began, "the Saddle Mare-abian delegation is waiting --"
Instantly serene, Celertia turned and addressed him. "Equestria is going broke funding a defense against constant threat of a bizarre, currently mysteriously-absent threat, I almost exiled my only family on accident, and the delegation must be tired from their travels and would prefer to spend today touring the city's many relaxing and diverting indulgences in expectancy of my full attention tomorrow morning."
"Yes, your heighness... heighnesses." He withdrew until his nose remained visible, paused, then re-emerged. "Shall I have cake brought up?"
Celestia smiled, glancing to Luna and Twilight with a curious expression. "And ice cream!"
Pics
I'm kinda surprised how many comedies we have this round considering the prompt. It does make this reviewing shtick of mine a little harder but I won't lie, it is very entertaining to read these as they come by.
This particular comedy hinges on the whole 'Displaced' gig. I haven't read any of those—not even the good ones, though I was never a big fan of the concept anyway—but I've seen enough of the tropes around to know about the more insular jabs in this story. Nevertheless, I do like how snappy the dialogue is between everyone. It's fun, it's witty when it wants to be and it knows exactly what it's going for out of the gate without overstaying its welcome.
I'm pretty sure this is publish-ready for FiMFic as it is. I don't know, I haven't gone around and read any comedies on the site lately. Not even the good ones.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
This particular comedy hinges on the whole 'Displaced' gig. I haven't read any of those—not even the good ones, though I was never a big fan of the concept anyway—but I've seen enough of the tropes around to know about the more insular jabs in this story. Nevertheless, I do like how snappy the dialogue is between everyone. It's fun, it's witty when it wants to be and it knows exactly what it's going for out of the gate without overstaying its welcome.
I'm pretty sure this is publish-ready for FiMFic as it is. I don't know, I haven't gone around and read any comedies on the site lately. Not even the good ones.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Comedy is subjective, and I subjectively could not get into this one. Meta-fics are not my cup of tea either, and it feels like this one won't be the one to sway me.
That said, there were some funny lines (In. Confidence.) The dialog flowed well, and the back and forth felt organic. There were no notable writing issues, although I did get lost about who was speaking at one point.
The fic does lack escalation though, which I thought was necessary for the more absurdist tone employed here. Instead of building to a crescendo of worse and worse ideas, it kind of just fizzles out. It seems like it didn't make the most of its starting premise.
>>WritingSpirit mentioned that this is making fun of an established series, which I was completely unfamiliar with. So, there are probably some subtleties that were lost on me.
That said, there were some funny lines (In. Confidence.) The dialog flowed well, and the back and forth felt organic. There were no notable writing issues, although I did get lost about who was speaking at one point.
The fic does lack escalation though, which I thought was necessary for the more absurdist tone employed here. Instead of building to a crescendo of worse and worse ideas, it kind of just fizzles out. It seems like it didn't make the most of its starting premise.
>>WritingSpirit mentioned that this is making fun of an established series, which I was completely unfamiliar with. So, there are probably some subtleties that were lost on me.
This one's hard to grade fairly. I'm not a fan of the 'displaced' thing. A good execution on the concept with a more nuanced take than falling into one of two diametrically opposed modalities (wish-fulfillment indulgence or castigating displaced humans as sexual molesters) could change that, I suppose, but I find myself unable to enjoy this one since the entire premise is indeed based on one of the two.
Ultimately, though, it's a comedy. Not hitting with me is a subjective problem, as all comedy is subjective and situational. I think this story will have its audience, in the people who do like these kinds of things.
Ultimately, though, it's a comedy. Not hitting with me is a subjective problem, as all comedy is subjective and situational. I think this story will have its audience, in the people who do like these kinds of things.
I mean the princesses were ready to dump an entire kingdom on Twilight in canon, I'm not surprised they are also willing to drop her in the middle of a strange possibly hostile world with no escape plan. (Celestia and Luna are kinda jerks in the later seasons aren't they?)
I enjoyed this story. I think its cute. Though is there a difference between displaced vs 'human in equestria' vs straight up oc? I thought displaced is when a human brain ends up in another character's body and nobody knows about it.
I find this heavily ironic considering how often Celestia or Starswirl apparently tossed their problems into another world (EQG world) Perhaps they don't see the hypocrisy.
I enjoyed this story. I think its cute. Though is there a difference between displaced vs 'human in equestria' vs straight up oc? I thought displaced is when a human brain ends up in another character's body and nobody knows about it.
"Um, no," Twilight answered warily. "I would have written immediately. Actually, Fluttershy has been finally starting to relax without having to worry about humans or red-black alicorn maniacs barging into her cottage expecting sex. Her warden is getting fed up with the interminable pet care, though, but won't complain to her about it."
I find this heavily ironic considering how often Celestia or Starswirl apparently tossed their problems into another world (EQG world) Perhaps they don't see the hypocrisy.
Though I am familiar with Displaced fics, I find myself in the same camp as Crafty - this piece is generally well crafted, but somehow fails to grab me as well as it should, though it is good to see Twilight standing up for herself. Perhaps the issue is in the premise? Celestia does seem to be left holding the idiot (or callous) ball.
Not sure what else to suggest, but this story did make me smile and nod here and there. Thanks for writing it, Author!
Not sure what else to suggest, but this story did make me smile and nod here and there. Thanks for writing it, Author!
I started with this based on the title alone, and I am pleased by what I see. This could be developed more but it's got a rock-solid foundation.
I like how this is funny from the get-go. Definitely meta/fandom-aware, but I'm fine with that. Satire is magic! Especially when we come to our conflict: governmental cost-savings. This fic has my number. It also unleashes burning sarcasm at the Princess' expense. I love the line about "trying to decide how much my disappearing forever is worth."
Maybe the missing link is in the wrap-up. They decide to table the issue and have ice cream (and cake), but the ostensible ability to float the budget for a month takes some of the urgency away. I think that's ultimately a very fixable thing, should the Author seek to "fix" that thing. There's nothing to stop these three from coming up with the money in a more ridiculous way, up to and including shaking down the visiting dignitaries.
I like how this is funny from the get-go. Definitely meta/fandom-aware, but I'm fine with that. Satire is magic! Especially when we come to our conflict: governmental cost-savings. This fic has my number. It also unleashes burning sarcasm at the Princess' expense. I love the line about "trying to decide how much my disappearing forever is worth."
Maybe the missing link is in the wrap-up. They decide to table the issue and have ice cream (and cake), but the ostensible ability to float the budget for a month takes some of the urgency away. I think that's ultimately a very fixable thing, should the Author seek to "fix" that thing. There's nothing to stop these three from coming up with the money in a more ridiculous way, up to and including shaking down the visiting dignitaries.