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When naught you have but silly tripe,
Don't give it up and smoke a pipe,
Nor fall to dreams of gloried hype,
Just turn to, quiet down your gripe,
And type type type type type type type...
Anyway, I got something in. Good luck, everyone!
Don't give it up and smoke a pipe,
Nor fall to dreams of gloried hype,
Just turn to, quiet down your gripe,
And type type type type type type type...
Anyway, I got something in. Good luck, everyone!
There's only a mild emotional journey here, but for what it is, it's cute, and I can't find any faults in the structure. The star in denial seems easy to convince, but unless you let the poem go on for a few thousand words, there's probably nothing else you could do. Yet on top of that, it has a comical air to it, so it was never really about getting emotionally engaged with the characters anyway.
I feel like I was supposed to get a message from this. It really seems to be exhorting me to stick with the right sun, but I never got a concrete conclusion from it. I can assign some vague meanings to it, but I can't be sure the author even intended one. Structurally, it never quite settles into a steady meter. After the first couple stanzas, it gets much closer, but the last line of each never fits the stress pattern. No problem with the rhymes.
For some reason, that last stanza really put me in a mind of the cards that Adam Sandler's character writes in Mr. Deeds.
Like the previous one, the rhymes here are fine, but the meter is irregular. It seems more like a piece that tries to capture a mood than have a narrative arc, and the pattern of starlight being equated to eyes is nice. It feels more like someone early in a relationship who's still timid about things like holding hands, which is fine. It does a good job of creating a mental image.
Like the previous one, the rhymes here are fine, but the meter is irregular. It seems more like a piece that tries to capture a mood than have a narrative arc, and the pattern of starlight being equated to eyes is nice. It feels more like someone early in a relationship who's still timid about things like holding hands, which is fine. It does a good job of creating a mental image.
It's hard to know what to make of this one. It seems to be heading in one direction for the first stanza, then it goes on about something else entirely for the rest. Maybe this was inspired by the recent astronomical conjunction? It seems to have several references to it. I think it's equating stars to kings and saying that they remain kings even after they've burned out. It's an interesting concept, but I'm struggling to find a message to it beyond just setting up the conceit.
Whimsical, I'd call it:
And I quite like it right up to the last stanza. There, I was expecting to find some equally whimsical method to correct the whole Wrong Sun problem. Give me that, and I'll be all aboard.
As >>Pascoite noted, the rhythm gets a little lumpy here and there--the line "Quite rare, but present in the law", for instance, wants to make the naturally long word "quite" unstressed and the naturally short word "in" stressed, and the line "Are frankly no more to be seen" does the same with the long word "more" in an unstressed spot and the short word "to" in a stressed spot. But fun, though!
Mike
And I quite like it right up to the last stanza. There, I was expecting to find some equally whimsical method to correct the whole Wrong Sun problem. Give me that, and I'll be all aboard.
As >>Pascoite noted, the rhythm gets a little lumpy here and there--the line "Quite rare, but present in the law", for instance, wants to make the naturally long word "quite" unstressed and the naturally short word "in" stressed, and the line "Are frankly no more to be seen" does the same with the long word "more" in an unstressed spot and the short word "to" in a stressed spot. But fun, though!
Mike
Whimsy again!
I could do with a bit more, though--scene-setting stuff like what the blackness of space looks like when you're a star and character stuff like what it feels like to expand till you destroy the planets you once protected. Keep that stuff as light as what's here, and you'll be set.
Mike
I could do with a bit more, though--scene-setting stuff like what the blackness of space looks like when you're a star and character stuff like what it feels like to expand till you destroy the planets you once protected. Keep that stuff as light as what's here, and you'll be set.
Mike
Very nice:
I love the word play and the imagery, but I'd like to see another Christmas carol quote somewhere in the last two stanzas just because of the "rule of three".
Again as >>Pascoite points out, the rhythm gets a little stumbly here and there--the first stanza starts on a stressed syllable while the second and third stanzas start on an unstressed one, for instance, and "My heart beats in the silent night" wants the long word "beats" to be unstressed and the short word "in" to be stressed. But again, very nice.
Mike
I love the word play and the imagery, but I'd like to see another Christmas carol quote somewhere in the last two stanzas just because of the "rule of three".
Again as >>Pascoite points out, the rhythm gets a little stumbly here and there--the first stanza starts on a stressed syllable while the second and third stanzas start on an unstressed one, for instance, and "My heart beats in the silent night" wants the long word "beats" to be unstressed and the short word "in" to be stressed. But again, very nice.
Mike
OK:
Once I read >>Pascoite's comment, I saw the astronomical reference, but what mainly confused me here is that we have three kings set up--the old king, the new king, and the newest king--but the poem only really talks about two of them. I'd recommend taking the metaphor all the way to the end, bringing in the three kings of the Christmas carol following the old king and the new king to find the newest king. Something that'll bring all the imagery around and close the circle, at least.
Mike
Once I read >>Pascoite's comment, I saw the astronomical reference, but what mainly confused me here is that we have three kings set up--the old king, the new king, and the newest king--but the poem only really talks about two of them. I'd recommend taking the metaphor all the way to the end, bringing in the three kings of the Christmas carol following the old king and the new king to find the newest king. Something that'll bring all the imagery around and close the circle, at least.
Mike
>>Pascoite
>>Baal Bunny
Pretty sure I just pull this out of my backside. Mostly wanted to make this pretty to read while keeping this short and to the point. Long poems are not my thing nor do I enjoy reading them. Want to feel or imprint it all at once. Like a cookie in one bite or a shot of alcohol. I guess? Don't drink much but I do like cookies. Need to work on a lot of stuff and at least ask myself "Doesn't this make sense and come together?"
>>Baal Bunny
Pretty sure I just pull this out of my backside. Mostly wanted to make this pretty to read while keeping this short and to the point. Long poems are not my thing nor do I enjoy reading them. Want to feel or imprint it all at once. Like a cookie in one bite or a shot of alcohol. I guess? Don't drink much but I do like cookies. Need to work on a lot of stuff and at least ask myself "Doesn't this make sense and come together?"