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Bite Me · Poetry Short Short ·
Organised by Anon Y Mous
Word limit 100–2000

Original. No theme.

Show rules for this event
#1 · 1
[finger snapping in the distance]
#2 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
Of course:

This is really only a 2 day writing period 'cause I'm sure we'll all be using Jan. 25th to put together minifics for the concurrent Pony contest...

Or maybe write a Pony poem that first day, submit it there, then come over here, change all the Ponies to Iguanas, and submit it here?

I think that'd be against the rules, though...

#3 · 1
I'm in me mum's car. Vroom vroom!
#4 · 1
· · >>Baal Bunny
>>Baal Bunny
The extra time is to get a good use out of Rhymezone.
#5 · 1
>>Zaid Val'Roa

Or WordHippo:

They do rhymes there, too, don't they?

But me, I got an actual, paper 'n' ink book I use all the time. 'Cause I'm old...

#6 ·
· on Tantalus · >>Baal Bunny
Well. Were people too busy with the pony minific round? Only 8 entries there, so maybe not. The prompt didn't work for everyone? Then why did 19 people vote for it? People just not interested in poetry anymore? I hope that's not the case. This is one of the few areas of the write-off I still have any interest in contributing to.

I like the form of this, and it's one I'd bet is a standardized one. It reminds me a little of a vilanelle in the way the first stanza's lines get reused. I'm also betting the final stanza is a deliberate break from that form.

I'll go out on a bit of a limb to interpret this. There's an obvious prompt tie in the way the narrator wants to eat all these sweet treats, but there's also an undercurrent of him feeling like an outsider to the people he might interact with in the restaurant, to whom he might also direct the prompt. That's the bit that makes less sense though, since he seems kind of self-deprecating. It comes across more like he agrees he's unworthy than he feels unfairly put upon. If he had a more consistent viewpoint on that or a more explicit statement of it, then it might help.

I didn't go through the meter as rigorously as I sometimes do, but nothing in it made me stumble as I read, so good job there.
#7 ·
· on Taste Test · >>Baal Bunny
Unless I completely whiffed on this one, it's about a lady getting attacked by a werewolf and becoming one herself. Though it could also be a metaphor for her reaching a new level in her passion for jogging.

I like the structure of this one. There's no meter, and the line lengths are kept to roughly the same, just whatever it takes to get to the repeated end words without stretching them too far one way or the other from an average. There doesn't appear to be a scheme to which way you arranged the end words, probably just whatever would fit the narrative best. I was wondering whether you'd make sure each word got used in all 6 lines, for instance, but the first 2 stanzas both use "song" in the 4th line and "trails" gets used twice in the 5th. It's so close to working that I wonder if you were trying and made a mistake or just couldn't get it to work. It looks like the only similar consideration is that the 1st line always uses the same word as the 6th line from the previous stanza, even looping from beginning to end, though the differently formatted extra stanza stands apart in several ways. It still uses the same 6 words, but combined into 3 lines now, and the line lengths aren't as evenly distributed into those 6 pieces between the repeated words.

Anyway, this was an interesting poem, and this will be a classic problem of "it's a shame one of these has to finish last," because they're both put together well.
#8 ·
· on Taste Test · >>Pascoite
Ah, my ancient enemy:

The Sestina. The link there will show the proper swirling pattern for the end words--basically, the 1st word in one stanza is 2nd in the next, the 2nd is 4th, and the 3rd is 6th. To fill in the odd numbered lines, then, you go backwards: the 4th word becomes 5th, the 5th word 3rd, and the 6th word 1st. It's always struck me as more of a drinking game than a poetic form, the beer pong of prosody, if you will... :)

The only slip-up I see here could be easily solved be swapping lines 4 and 5 in the 2nd stanza: I'm not finding "trails" getting used twice anywhere, >>Pascoite. As always, I'd prefer if the lines had meter, but then I'm nutty that way.

The story's fun, too. I'd recommend bringing Our Heroine in in the first stanza by using "she" instead of "one" in the second line, though, just to set the specific scene. I also wondered about the werewolf being out during daylight hours, but this is a fun one all around.

#9 ·
· on Tantalus
This one, then:

Is a rondeau redoublé, the way the first stanza's lines become the last lines of each subsequent stanza in order and the last stanza getting the poem's first two or three words tacked on at the end. Oh, and you only get to use two rhyming sounds through the whole thing till that last line...

The meter for me starts getting a little wonky in the fifth and sixth stanzas, but I always have trouble with sentences ending in the middle of lines. I also can't help but wish the pastries were more anthropomorphic...or at least, in Alice in Wonderland style, they would have little signs saying "Eat Me" on them. I agree with >>Pascoite that the "social anxiety" aspect of it--if that's what it is--should come out a little stronger. Maybe have him feel mad for half a line before pulling back into his shell?

#10 ·
· on Taste Test · >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny
>>Baal Bunny
"Trails" ends the 5th lines of both the 2nd and 3rd stanzas, just like "song" ends the 4th line of both the 1st and 2nd stanzas. I don't know if that's okay for the form, but since the rest of the words never occupied the same line twice, I assumed it was an oversight.
#11 ·
· on Taste Test

OK, there it is:

Yeah, switching the 4th and 5th lines of the 2nd stanza would solve both problems 'cause "trails" is supposed to be 4th in that stanza and "song" is supposed to be 5th. Fortunately, the two phrases are in apposition, so switching them won't upset the grammar of the sentence at all.

Mike, Grammar Nerd
#12 ·
· on Tantalus
As sweetened treats pass by me on the tray,
So stanzas lie arranged upon the page
Their strange appeal but frames a different way
For players bold to strut and fret the stage.

They march along in sugary ballet
And if their structure's based on stricter cage,
Still one won't find a nicer way to stray
As sweetened stanzas frame a fretted age.
#13 ·
· on Taste Test
Within the space of loosened meter running
Like bells within the towers, ring the changes
that channel and constrict this lupine song.
It follows modern sentiments and ancient
that carry meaning on as off it trails
to focus on delivering its bite.
#14 · 2
· on Taste Test · >>Pascoite
So at this point:

We've got an audience of one? Time to start doing market research on >>Pascoite... :)

Still, congrats, GGA. Just switch those lines, and you'll be fine. And it did occur to me the other day that I had written a sestina on a similar subject several years ago that I could never find a market for. So I might as well post it here instead...


Transformance Anxiety

Doubtful and stammering, blinking, confused,
Backing away with a Plasticine grin,
Edward refuses to stare at her paws.
Lauren is lapping her tea with dispatch,
Fur growing everywhere, thick, unrestrained,
Steam from her cup in a wreath 'round her snout.

"Morning," she says, and the word from her snout
Growls in his ears though it isn't confused,
Clear, understandable, sense unrestrained
Even with fangs— But his thoughts at her grin
Freeze, and he stumbles. She leaps with dispatch;
Squeaking, he finds himself caught in her paws.

"Something the matter?" They're gentle, those paws,
Soft as the question that curls from her snout.
"Nothing!" he gargles, then fearing dispatch,
Grabs for the door. "Gotta go!" So confused,
Sprinting, he reaches the sidewalk. His grin
Splinters to see only wolves unrestrained.

Yes, they're all dressed, and they walk unrestrained—
Upright with shoes somehow fitting their paws—
Cellphones to ears as they chat and they grin.
Still, with amazement he looks snout to snout.
Yesterday, everything wasn't confused.
Life was so leisurely, slow to dispatch.

Now, in the morning, the Times-Post-Dispatch
Lacks the familiar, displays unrestrained
Concepts and headlines that leave him confused:
Unknown celebrities waving their paws;
Words unpronounceable minus a snout;
Products for fur and for toothiest grin—

"Edward?" It's Lauren, her uncertain grin
Shaking him out of his funk with dispatch.
"Sorry," he mutters. "I haven't a snout,
Can't understand how to live unrestrained.
Give me a week, I'll be off of your paws."
"Edward..." She sighs. "It's okay you're confused.

"Stay." With her grin comes her laugh unrestrained.
"Here's a dispatch: you're with me. Take my paws."
Kissing her snout, he's no longer confused.
#15 ·
· on Taste Test · >>Miller Minus >>Baal Bunny
>>Baal Bunny
But at least 19 people voted on prompts. One would think they had at least some passing interest in participating, unless they're sadists who just want to give a difficult prompt to those who are. Not even the organizer entered this round...
#16 ·
· on Taste Test · >>Baal Bunny
The prompt voting is different now. If you rank a prompt 'great' it gets 3 points, for example. So that number 19 isn't to be trusted. Never can trust a prime.

At least 7 people submitted prompts though.
#17 ·
· on Taste Test
>>Miller Minus

And it might be:

That folks just couldn't think of a poem for the prompt when the cheese was against the wall--or whatever the expression is. I would also like to point out that, if the "coin toss" for the prompt here had gone the other way, I would've had my prompts selected for the first time ever both here and over in the Pony minific round that ran simultaneously, and that I came in dead last in both competitions. :)

Mike, Noting Things