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>>Skywriter
I get that's what you were going for, I noted it was a werewolf in passing, point was that more fitting options existed (in my opinion). "Werewolf all along" is kinda an anti-twist. "Accidental cannibalism results in Wendigo" feels like it would have more punch; he's had the appetizer meatball, now he wants the main course in the form of ribs.
I get that's what you were going for, I noted it was a werewolf in passing, point was that more fitting options existed (in my opinion). "Werewolf all along" is kinda an anti-twist. "Accidental cannibalism results in Wendigo" feels like it would have more punch; he's had the appetizer meatball, now he wants the main course in the form of ribs.
>>Miller Minus
Every time I write a story like this I wrestle with the thought of, "Am I being too obvious in the foreshadowing? This is a group of dedicated writers I'm catering to, after all." I suppose I simply haven't learned my lesson yet. I know I didn't fail to leave enough clues because others picked up on it. I even decided to describe his package as 'saucer'-like rather than pie-shaped because pie felt too on the nose (and saucer has 'sauce' in the word so it felt more clever in the endgame reveal). I guess he was delivering one with jalapeno peppers on it because you could say I'm spicy.
In the end though, the main body wasn't strong enough to stand on its own two feet to mitigate the possibility of the ending falling flat for some people. I'll have to refine my reveals, and maybe make them a little more apparent.
>>Icenrose
Reg surprises the Varghoul with his shot, ergo the exposition makes it a surprise too; by the time he pulls the trigger it's effectively already hit the creature. It's like when two swordfighters are locked together face to face in a movie, then one of them gets a surprised look and the camera slowly pans down to reveal a hand that, one presumes, is no longer holding the dagger embedded in their stomach.
The archanotech was undeveloped in its flavor, unfortunately. I should have cut out the runes bit so it could be more grounded in sci-fi, rather than trying to add a dash of fantasy when I lacked the wordcount to worldbuild such an amalgamation.
Thank you for the praise on the ending, though.
>>No_Raisin
30 minutes or it's free, Parker.
I went with 30mm because that's the ammunition type of a Thunderbolt II Jet's GAU cannon, which is a sexy T H I C C gun the size of a Volkswagon. I knew adding it was excessive, but I do ever so love the BRRRRRTTTT. It also gives the reader some indication of the size of hole it puts into things. The silver was part of the worldbuilding I tried to slot in. I was planning on having a mention of something along the lines of "Everything went to shit when those archeologists opened The Crypt" but I couldn't find a suitable place for it and was running out of both time and words.
Googling Varghoul brings up a wide variety of creatures, only a few of which I could hesitantly describe as being wolf-like. I was personally just appropriating Vargeist but didn't want to use the term since "Original minific" and all.
Yeah, there's pretty much two ways to read the story that I've been told of: Either it's the most extreme pizza delivery (my intention), or some pimply teenager trying to imagine their job being actually interesting (I only wish this had been my intention).
Hope you enjoyed the realization. In a world gone mad, one of the few solaces people can find is pizza, truly the greatest of all these parts of a complete breakfast.
Every time I write a story like this I wrestle with the thought of, "Am I being too obvious in the foreshadowing? This is a group of dedicated writers I'm catering to, after all." I suppose I simply haven't learned my lesson yet. I know I didn't fail to leave enough clues because others picked up on it. I even decided to describe his package as 'saucer'-like rather than pie-shaped because pie felt too on the nose (and saucer has 'sauce' in the word so it felt more clever in the endgame reveal). I guess he was delivering one with jalapeno peppers on it because you could say I'm spicy.
In the end though, the main body wasn't strong enough to stand on its own two feet to mitigate the possibility of the ending falling flat for some people. I'll have to refine my reveals, and maybe make them a little more apparent.
>>Icenrose
Reg surprises the Varghoul with his shot, ergo the exposition makes it a surprise too; by the time he pulls the trigger it's effectively already hit the creature. It's like when two swordfighters are locked together face to face in a movie, then one of them gets a surprised look and the camera slowly pans down to reveal a hand that, one presumes, is no longer holding the dagger embedded in their stomach.
The archanotech was undeveloped in its flavor, unfortunately. I should have cut out the runes bit so it could be more grounded in sci-fi, rather than trying to add a dash of fantasy when I lacked the wordcount to worldbuild such an amalgamation.
Thank you for the praise on the ending, though.
>>No_Raisin
30 minutes or it's free, Parker.
I went with 30mm because that's the ammunition type of a Thunderbolt II Jet's GAU cannon, which is a sexy T H I C C gun the size of a Volkswagon. I knew adding it was excessive, but I do ever so love the BRRRRRTTTT. It also gives the reader some indication of the size of hole it puts into things. The silver was part of the worldbuilding I tried to slot in. I was planning on having a mention of something along the lines of "Everything went to shit when those archeologists opened The Crypt" but I couldn't find a suitable place for it and was running out of both time and words.
Googling Varghoul brings up a wide variety of creatures, only a few of which I could hesitantly describe as being wolf-like. I was personally just appropriating Vargeist but didn't want to use the term since "Original minific" and all.
Yeah, there's pretty much two ways to read the story that I've been told of: Either it's the most extreme pizza delivery (my intention), or some pimply teenager trying to imagine their job being actually interesting (I only wish this had been my intention).
Hope you enjoyed the realization. In a world gone mad, one of the few solaces people can find is pizza, truly the greatest of all these parts of a complete breakfast.
I believe the others are mistaken, the female wolf clearly says "I have changed you just enough", implying that he was given some level of mental capability. The voicebox acts as a way to let him vocalize his new intelligence without having been further altered physically, keeping in line with the 'consensual' aspect of him being ascended to sentience. That said, I feel he should have been in a cell fitting for a wolf, like a zoo exhibit, with an exit available to him. Being strapped to the table undermines the "Your choice" concept, unless that was the intent.
Competently written, but it never really felt like it delivered on the premise. Also, I'm assuming you were talking about transhumanism.
The premise is clever and has obvious humor merit. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep talking but I can't say I derived too much mirth, though. Still, well-written and it gets bonus marks for switching up writing styles three times in ways that more or less make sense.
Strong banter and it fits the history of their relationship quite well into the words alloted. Generally enjoyable and inoffensive, although I imagine some might take issue with the downer ending.
The legends foretold of this day, upon which the slumbering behemoth would awake once more. Wielding a pencil carved from the very branches of Yggdrasil, he once again hones his cursed and cursive craft upon vast plains acting as his parchment. Gentlemen, behold, words! Some roughly seven-hundred of them to be exact, carved into the bedrock twixt foothills. An omen of works to come, or but a moment's fancy before he returns to his sopor? Only time will tell...
Well, let's see if my attempt at being clever works out.
Well, let's see if my attempt at being clever works out.
I don't really feel the 'seriousness' that others are claiming to have found. It feels more surreal than serious, which works fine with the more humorous elements in the story. Overall, clever idea and execution of it. Could make for a fun short series with Nightmare bedding each princess.
Nice little story that fits well into the wordcount. My main complaint is that it feels a little at odds with the established arc of Starlight and an excess of clarification (meaning where you repeat identifiers like 'she' even though it's obvious to the reader that character focus hasn't changed). It's not so much a 'wrong' thing as it is an optimization for flow, mind you, just a pet peeve of mine.
Poetry had never particularly interested me, but I certainly recognize the care and craft put into this. I started over again after going about a quarter of the way through and read it out loud, as I thought it would be best enjoyed like that. While it did not touch my cold heart (which, despite what some may think, is not in fact made of stone), it was nevertheless an original, expertly sculpted story told in a very demanding format.
My only complaint would be the "She wouldn't say why" line. In a work that has otherwise largely told its story through inference and wordplay, this was more blunt than a rock to the head. Personally, I would structure it as a series of office forms. When something was done, by whom it was done, what was done, and why it was done. However, that is probably a little too rigid for most others (and is also almost certainly not the best option).
Up you go.
My only complaint would be the "She wouldn't say why" line. In a work that has otherwise largely told its story through inference and wordplay, this was more blunt than a rock to the head. Personally, I would structure it as a series of office forms. When something was done, by whom it was done, what was done, and why it was done. However, that is probably a little too rigid for most others (and is also almost certainly not the best option).
Up you go.
After reading the comments, I'm going to say Changeling, which to be clear was my original assumption after finishing the story and hasn't been changed (yet). I'm also going to note something that I don't think anyone brought up, that being how he's getting lighter. My interpretation is that since his parents and siblings aren't really giving him love anymore, he's effectively starving and losing body mass. However, his excitement and framing of it as becoming a more adept flyer keeps him from feeling the negative effects of that, or it simply hasn't progressed to the point where his 'love fat' has depleated enough for him to have an averse reaction.
>>Dolfeus Doseux
Blasted e's, dashing off like that.
As others have commented, it sort of already is. I highly recommend Neil Gaiman's Stardust, as I lifted the general idea of lightning harvesting from that (although the methods and characters are of my own creation). The movie made for it is splendid as well.
>>Xepher
Alas, wordcount was the limiting factor, considering I blew past it by forty words upon completion of the rough draft. In the end, framing the character's emotional arc was of more importance, and the actual act itself secondary to that.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Many thanks, and who knows? Perhaps one day I will muster the drive to give this the pages, rather than mere paragraphs, it deserves.
>>Ratlab
Cutting off at the cliffhanger dive was actually the back-up plan, if I couldn't squeeze things into a more solid conclusion. In the end some more efficient sentence structure and word choices let me fit enough in to 'complete' it.
>>AndrewRogue
I would argue that there is more to the character's development and motivations than is immediately apparent, and discussing it with some contemporaries made me confident it wasn't merely author-inside knowledge. For example, he evidently looks up to his instructor/superior, seeking her advice and noting her experience, with the most obvious example of such being how he'll " have eyes just as blue as hers yet". You also note that he's not too 'gung-ho' about it, but I feel that the fact that he's so wary, and yet overcomes his not-insignificant fright, is in turn a representation of his resolve and desire to become just as adept as his mentor is (as is noted in how passive is efforts are compared to the predator-like technique she employs).
>>Not_A_Hat
As mentioned, yes, this is loosely based on what Stardust does, although in this case I'm implying a more active form of collection; while I didn't expand on it because it wasn't the focus of the story, my head canon is that the lightning is almost living, and defends its territory fiercely (something like a Lightning Elemental in DnD). As implied by the judicious use of personification, it is primal, untamed and animalistic, falling into the trap the protagonist passively acts as whilst trying to flee the hunter that is his teacher.
To expand on what I said in the previous reply, I believe his desire for blue eyes acts as the personal significance; not because he wants blue eyes, but that they're a representation of his experience, a badge of honour. I tried my best to represent the great divide in skill and knowledge between student and teacher, from their method of collection, changes both physical (strength) and cosmetic (the eyes), and their relative resistance (he pukes 'sparking breakfast' while she almost dances out the energy, a representation of how he has to purge while she's able to convert).
>>Ranmilia
I'm going to point you to the previous two comments since I believe they cover most of what you brought up. I will admit, though, that the opening sentence was rather excessive. I was trying to get a snapshot of all the sensations they protagonist was feeling, in order to (hopefully) help the reader put themselves onto the ship's deck as well, but I did so in an overly direct way.
>>Rao
Heh, yes, I suppose you could say that. As for Zarya... Yeah, I can see it.
>>libertydude
They were harvesting lightning (the use of gold-plated cabling was meant to imply that the lightning travels along it to the ship, where it's supposedly stored). Unfortunately, I lacked the space to really expand on such elements, but I'm something of a believer in giving the reader some things to imagine (as long as it isn't imagining a cover to a plothole). And I imagine there might be some thrill-seekers in this world doing it to 'charge themselves', but in this case it was purely profit-driven.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Many thanks! I apologize for the lack of more substance to this reply, compared to the others. I can, however, offer my musical muses used to craft this tale.
Initial inspiration: Sky Trailer
(The original idea was the boy and a similar-ages girl swinging back and forth below the bow to prep the ship for docking in a minute, but I felt I needed to up the stakes a tad)
Writing music: Tropos - Owlboy OST
Edit: Upon checking, I discovered that my reply is almost as long as the story itself (and I do believe this addition to it has pushed it over the cusp, fittingly enough).
Blasted e's, dashing off like that.
As others have commented, it sort of already is. I highly recommend Neil Gaiman's Stardust, as I lifted the general idea of lightning harvesting from that (although the methods and characters are of my own creation). The movie made for it is splendid as well.
>>Xepher
Alas, wordcount was the limiting factor, considering I blew past it by forty words upon completion of the rough draft. In the end, framing the character's emotional arc was of more importance, and the actual act itself secondary to that.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Many thanks, and who knows? Perhaps one day I will muster the drive to give this the pages, rather than mere paragraphs, it deserves.
>>Ratlab
Cutting off at the cliff
>>AndrewRogue
I would argue that there is more to the character's development and motivations than is immediately apparent, and discussing it with some contemporaries made me confident it wasn't merely author-inside knowledge. For example, he evidently looks up to his instructor/superior, seeking her advice and noting her experience, with the most obvious example of such being how he'll " have eyes just as blue as hers yet". You also note that he's not too 'gung-ho' about it, but I feel that the fact that he's so wary, and yet overcomes his not-insignificant fright, is in turn a representation of his resolve and desire to become just as adept as his mentor is (as is noted in how passive is efforts are compared to the predator-like technique she employs).
>>Not_A_Hat
As mentioned, yes, this is loosely based on what Stardust does, although in this case I'm implying a more active form of collection; while I didn't expand on it because it wasn't the focus of the story, my head canon is that the lightning is almost living, and defends its territory fiercely (something like a Lightning Elemental in DnD). As implied by the judicious use of personification, it is primal, untamed and animalistic, falling into the trap the protagonist passively acts as whilst trying to flee the hunter that is his teacher.
To expand on what I said in the previous reply, I believe his desire for blue eyes acts as the personal significance; not because he wants blue eyes, but that they're a representation of his experience, a badge of honour. I tried my best to represent the great divide in skill and knowledge between student and teacher, from their method of collection, changes both physical (strength) and cosmetic (the eyes), and their relative resistance (he pukes 'sparking breakfast' while she almost dances out the energy, a representation of how he has to purge while she's able to convert).
>>Ranmilia
I'm going to point you to the previous two comments since I believe they cover most of what you brought up. I will admit, though, that the opening sentence was rather excessive. I was trying to get a snapshot of all the sensations they protagonist was feeling, in order to (hopefully) help the reader put themselves onto the ship's deck as well, but I did so in an overly direct way.
>>Rao
Heh, yes, I suppose you could say that. As for Zarya... Yeah, I can see it.
>>libertydude
They were harvesting lightning (the use of gold-plated cabling was meant to imply that the lightning travels along it to the ship, where it's supposedly stored). Unfortunately, I lacked the space to really expand on such elements, but I'm something of a believer in giving the reader some things to imagine (as long as it isn't imagining a cover to a plothole). And I imagine there might be some thrill-seekers in this world doing it to 'charge themselves', but in this case it was purely profit-driven.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Many thanks! I apologize for the lack of more substance to this reply, compared to the others. I can, however, offer my musical muses used to craft this tale.
Initial inspiration: Sky Trailer
(The original idea was the boy and a similar-ages girl swinging back and forth below the bow to prep the ship for docking in a minute, but I felt I needed to up the stakes a tad)
Writing music: Tropos - Owlboy OST
Edit: Upon checking, I discovered that my reply is almost as long as the story itself (and I do believe this addition to it has pushed it over the cusp, fittingly enough).
Interesting attempt, but it didn't feel like you went far enough into the realm of poetry and instead flinched before making the jump. That said, the writing is still strong and evocative, it just feels a little too thin, if that makes sense. There isn't enough binding from line to line.
Also, I assume this is Starlight narrating after having that spat with Trixie a little after they first met.
Also, I assume this is Starlight narrating after having that spat with Trixie a little after they first met.
You know, I really like the idea of feeding a windego one's anger or other negative emotions to be relieved of them, a sort of Deal-with-the-Devil thing. However, Twilight being shipped with Rarity so that way she could in turn cheat with Spike felt somewhat clunky. Personally, I would have gone with Luna, Starlight Glimmer or Tempest since they have good enough reasons to desire abandoning their old anger without the need of stretching romances.
As the others say, the tonal shift somewhat hampers the story's impact. I like the concept and can chalk up most of the issues with running out of word space, but it might have been better to chop off the opening scene and cut to Celestia revealing her secret to Luna. The description for Luna's laugh got a chuckle out of me, though.
The start was fairly engaging, but once Twilight went to speak to Celestia it felt rather plodding and ho-hum. I feel like it would have been better if Twilight had just taken things at face value and actually followed through with her funeral preperations.
Strong, evocative writing with a decent bit of banter. My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that it didn't feel particularly substantial, but I'll chalk that up to the limits of the format we have to work with. Overall, I felt like it was a decent piece to read, and would like to see something of a series like this (the villain's support group meetups, of a sort).
It's a sweet sentiment, I suppose, but the writing never grabbed me. Solid mechanically, but somewhat dull in terms of style and substance. I will admit, I was half expecting it to turn into some sort of horror story a la Wayside School, if you happen to be familiar with the apples from that.
Nice little fluff piece. I'm turn between thing the wiring is utilarian or purposefully designed to be halting so it reflects Twilight's mental state. Certain 'improper' aspects like the use of '3' instead of 'three' makes me lean towards the former, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it's the latter.
I'm afraid I don't share the sentiment of the previous commenter. I'm not a particularly emotional person and, while I like the idea behind the story, it didn't have the punch to break through to me.
This was in part due to the numerous punctuation misteps and your strange insistence on spacing between dialogue and quotation marks (which you weren't entirely consistent with, either). Admittedly, the problem was exacerbated by the fact that I'm reading on mobile so it messed with the formatting much more than it would on a computer. Overall, solid idea, but it lacks the weight and polish to really stand out for me.
This was in part due to the numerous punctuation misteps and your strange insistence on spacing between dialogue and quotation marks (which you weren't entirely consistent with, either). Admittedly, the problem was exacerbated by the fact that I'm reading on mobile so it messed with the formatting much more than it would on a computer. Overall, solid idea, but it lacks the weight and polish to really stand out for me.
I've always had difficulties accepting out and out murder and the like in MLP stories (one of the reasons that, while I enjoyed how they didn't shy away from showing it, the fact that they killed the Storm King in the movie didn't sit well with me on a narrative level). There's a tonal dissonance that needs a lot of justification to make it go down well if you're operating in what would otherwise be an alternate timeline for the show (IE FoE). If things are clearly established as being an AU that can also help.
This story doesn't really do either. Sunset has clearly murdered the bearers, drops an F-bomb, and has acid spit. If she was callous enough to murder the bearers rather than lock them up with Celestia, why didn't she just kill her and Luna anyways? I can certainly headcanon reasons for it easily enough, and you sort of touch on it with the pet comment, but it still feels at odds with what she's done and her show counterpart. It's relentlessly Grimdark without really feeling like it's earned that distinction.
All that said, the conversation was written quite well, and you clearly have a strong grasp on descriptive text. I do wish you had played with the words a bit more; a quick re-read didn't reveal any use of simile or metaphor to me, but it was admittedly a skim. I'm not sold on the execution of the story itself, but I can appreciate the care that went into it.
This story doesn't really do either. Sunset has clearly murdered the bearers, drops an F-bomb, and has acid spit. If she was callous enough to murder the bearers rather than lock them up with Celestia, why didn't she just kill her and Luna anyways? I can certainly headcanon reasons for it easily enough, and you sort of touch on it with the pet comment, but it still feels at odds with what she's done and her show counterpart. It's relentlessly Grimdark without really feeling like it's earned that distinction.
All that said, the conversation was written quite well, and you clearly have a strong grasp on descriptive text. I do wish you had played with the words a bit more; a quick re-read didn't reveal any use of simile or metaphor to me, but it was admittedly a skim. I'm not sold on the execution of the story itself, but I can appreciate the care that went into it.
Paging WIP