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In Sparking Skies
Goosebumps from the brisk wind driving the sails, a sea of clouds roiling below far as the eye could see, a full-bodied shout from the cap’n as the hands prepared for descent, the taste of crisp lightning in the air. I’m snapped from the reverie by a firm hand on my shoulder.
“You scared?” she says, eyes sharp and focused as ever, pupils shocked blue by a hundred dives.
I look over the wooden railing again to see raw, untamed weather crackle and snarl at those who’d encroached upon its territory. “Were you?” I manage to choke out.
Her laugh flows with energy. “Hell yes! And if you’d said you weren’t, I would’ve pulled you out of that suit faster than a flashstrike.” Gauntleted fist, coated by fine copper webs, swept at the inclement beast we’d been tasked to corral. “All you can do is be prepared, and if that’s the best you can manage then you sure as shit better be scared about it!”
She slaps me on the back and I fight off a wave of vertigo as I tip ever-closer towards the waiting cloud ocean. “Don’t be too scared, though, I’ll be soaking up the worst of it. Just focus on keeping your wits about and watching how I handle things. No orderly schools’ techniques will prepare you for handling that chaos.”
“One minute ‘til we hit drop point!” barked the first mate.
She pulled her chainlink veiled-hood down. “If you’ve got second thoughts, now’s the time.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of last rites, actually,” I say with a wary smile.
Her smile more than makes up for the lack of enthusiasm in mine. “See, you’re already in the proper mindset for this! Said you were a natural. Now, stand still while I hook you up.”
I hold my arms out as she snaps thick, gold-plated cabling to the back hardpoints. Standing there at the edge of the precipice, arms like wings as the clouds swallow up more and more of my world, I feel… well, not like I’m flying, but at least like it’s a gracefully terminal fall.
I’m literally yanked back into reality as she checks the tethers. “Good to go?” I squeak out, half hoping there’s some catastrophic failure in the suit so we abort.
The suit fails to fail. “I could push you off right here and now and you’d probably be fine.” She turns around and poses as well. “Right, double-check mine.”
My arms do their best, although it’s apparently not quite enough when she tries to subtly pull on them herself after I’m finished. Still, I appreciate her trying to shield my ego from my wiry frame.
“Ten seconds!”
She passes me my rod, a long metal shaft with wiring of its own intertwining with the safety cable.
“Nine!”
I grip desperately with both hands, treating it like the lifeline it is.
“Eight!”
Propellers whirl above, clouds swirl below, I fight the urge to hurl betwixt them.
“Seven!”
The railings slide aside, leaving plenty of space for her to jump and me to fall.
“Six!”
She shifts from side to side, even keeled even as the ship sways in the wind.
“Five!”
The lightning is tired of waiting, instead leaping and snapping up at us.
“Four!”
I swallow.
“Three!”
I breath.
“Two!”
I pray.
“One!”
I fall.
The clouds swallow us readily, and it becomes impossible to tell the difference between the screech of crackling electricity, roaring wind and screaming me. There’s screaming that isn’t mine mixed in as well, but hers is like a battlecry. While I simply try to catch any bolts cascading over my chainlink shell, she’s hunting them like a hound pulling on its leash so it can bite back.
I’m not sure how long we were hanging down there, all I know is that all of my hairs on end and the ends of those hairs are smoldering. The ship ascends, pulling its two living lightning traps up with it before we’re finally hauled back onto deck.
While I retch sparking breakfast over the side, she dances out the excess energy. A few other crewmembers shout their approval at us from a safe distance. “Not bad for your first dive,” she says, still fidgeting. I mutter something along the lines of thanks, but am cut short by a mirror being held into front of me.
I look into my reflection and see teal. I’ll have eyes just as blue as hers yet.
“You scared?” she says, eyes sharp and focused as ever, pupils shocked blue by a hundred dives.
I look over the wooden railing again to see raw, untamed weather crackle and snarl at those who’d encroached upon its territory. “Were you?” I manage to choke out.
Her laugh flows with energy. “Hell yes! And if you’d said you weren’t, I would’ve pulled you out of that suit faster than a flashstrike.” Gauntleted fist, coated by fine copper webs, swept at the inclement beast we’d been tasked to corral. “All you can do is be prepared, and if that’s the best you can manage then you sure as shit better be scared about it!”
She slaps me on the back and I fight off a wave of vertigo as I tip ever-closer towards the waiting cloud ocean. “Don’t be too scared, though, I’ll be soaking up the worst of it. Just focus on keeping your wits about and watching how I handle things. No orderly schools’ techniques will prepare you for handling that chaos.”
“One minute ‘til we hit drop point!” barked the first mate.
She pulled her chainlink veiled-hood down. “If you’ve got second thoughts, now’s the time.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of last rites, actually,” I say with a wary smile.
Her smile more than makes up for the lack of enthusiasm in mine. “See, you’re already in the proper mindset for this! Said you were a natural. Now, stand still while I hook you up.”
I hold my arms out as she snaps thick, gold-plated cabling to the back hardpoints. Standing there at the edge of the precipice, arms like wings as the clouds swallow up more and more of my world, I feel… well, not like I’m flying, but at least like it’s a gracefully terminal fall.
I’m literally yanked back into reality as she checks the tethers. “Good to go?” I squeak out, half hoping there’s some catastrophic failure in the suit so we abort.
The suit fails to fail. “I could push you off right here and now and you’d probably be fine.” She turns around and poses as well. “Right, double-check mine.”
My arms do their best, although it’s apparently not quite enough when she tries to subtly pull on them herself after I’m finished. Still, I appreciate her trying to shield my ego from my wiry frame.
“Ten seconds!”
She passes me my rod, a long metal shaft with wiring of its own intertwining with the safety cable.
“Nine!”
I grip desperately with both hands, treating it like the lifeline it is.
“Eight!”
Propellers whirl above, clouds swirl below, I fight the urge to hurl betwixt them.
“Seven!”
The railings slide aside, leaving plenty of space for her to jump and me to fall.
“Six!”
She shifts from side to side, even keeled even as the ship sways in the wind.
“Five!”
The lightning is tired of waiting, instead leaping and snapping up at us.
“Four!”
I swallow.
“Three!”
I breath.
“Two!”
I pray.
“One!”
I fall.
The clouds swallow us readily, and it becomes impossible to tell the difference between the screech of crackling electricity, roaring wind and screaming me. There’s screaming that isn’t mine mixed in as well, but hers is like a battlecry. While I simply try to catch any bolts cascading over my chainlink shell, she’s hunting them like a hound pulling on its leash so it can bite back.
I’m not sure how long we were hanging down there, all I know is that all of my hairs on end and the ends of those hairs are smoldering. The ship ascends, pulling its two living lightning traps up with it before we’re finally hauled back onto deck.
While I retch sparking breakfast over the side, she dances out the excess energy. A few other crewmembers shout their approval at us from a safe distance. “Not bad for your first dive,” she says, still fidgeting. I mutter something along the lines of thanks, but am cut short by a mirror being held into front of me.
I look into my reflection and see teal. I’ll have eyes just as blue as hers yet.
Well that was weird and interesting. Also,
I breathe. The e is important.
This minific would make a great basis for a short story or even a novel.
I breath.
I breathe. The e is important.
This minific would make a great basis for a short story or even a novel.
Lightning wrangling air pirates?
Yup... though we don't see much of the wrangling part. I'll blame wordcount.
Overall, well written, with a unique and interesting setting. It leaves more questions than it answers, but that may be a good thing.
Yup... though we don't see much of the wrangling part. I'll blame wordcount.
Overall, well written, with a unique and interesting setting. It leaves more questions than it answers, but that may be a good thing.
I quite like this. The descriptive detail puts us into the world, the setting is fresh and fantastic, there’s plenty of appeal to the senses, and a bit of slice of life and adventure story. A nice little package that could be expanded to a grander work, but a complete story in itself. Thumbs up.
Good characterization, vivid setting and description. You could have cut it off right when they leaped, and it would have had just as much impact, but it still ends in a good place.
I think the biggest weakness here is that we have very little actual information given or implied about the narrator. We know they're new to this and aren't absolutely gung ho, but that's about it. And without that, I feel we don't really have a huge reason to invest.
I was trying to debate what the better ending on the story was (at the count or in the following paragraphs), and I kinda realized that the answer is irrelevant. They are both perfectly fine ends because the only real arc is the action: either doing the dive or completing it. A little bit of emotional stake would help tighten that up, I think.
I was trying to debate what the better ending on the story was (at the count or in the following paragraphs), and I kinda realized that the answer is irrelevant. They are both perfectly fine ends because the only real arc is the action: either doing the dive or completing it. A little bit of emotional stake would help tighten that up, I think.
Is this fanfiction on Neil Gaiman's Stardust? IIRC, the airships in that story fish for lightning.
This was an engaging read, although it feels more like a vignette than a story with a proper arc. I wish there was a bit more personal significance to the MC for what just happened, which would also help make the MC more relatable, more of a concrete character.
This was an engaging read, although it feels more like a vignette than a story with a proper arc. I wish there was a bit more personal significance to the MC for what just happened, which would also help make the MC more relatable, more of a concrete character.
Hmm, well. Vivid descriptions here, but as >>Not_A_Hat says, it's more of a snapshot than a story, and as he and >>AndrewRogue say, the lack of development of the narrator feels like the big missing piece. In its current state, the piece feels very "fanservicey." Like, I can tell that it's being written to me, the reader, to serve me up some fantastic setting porn and sense of wonder, rather than operating on internal logic or trying to "tell a story" or make some sort of point. The fourth wall feels thin, and the opening run-on not-really-a-sentence illustrates what I mean here.
So -- good effort. You can do better, though. Take some of this description and some of these ideas, and twist them around to go a step further: who is the narrator? What do they want? Why is this particular moment in time important, and what happens to bring it to a conclusion? Kick it up to the next level, get some plot and characterization, and make it a story instead of just a vignette or scene. You clearly have a handle on prose and descriptions, so I'm sure you can do it. Thanks for writing!
So -- good effort. You can do better, though. Take some of this description and some of these ideas, and twist them around to go a step further: who is the narrator? What do they want? Why is this particular moment in time important, and what happens to bring it to a conclusion? Kick it up to the next level, get some plot and characterization, and make it a story instead of just a vignette or scene. You clearly have a handle on prose and descriptions, so I'm sure you can do it. Thanks for writing!
Robert de Niro: the Early Pirate Days. Vivid, a little scary, and we see a strong lady who kinda reminds me of Zarya, for some reason. I can dig it.
As an experience piece, this actually works pretty well. We get a good idea of the captain and our narrator, and the situation of literally "riding the lightning" is delightfully absurd. I also enjoyed the final countdown, which really captured how a first-timer must view this kind of event. The only real problem is that there's not much of an explanation for why they're in the lightning, and it kind of takes me out of the story when I think about it (are they harvesting lightning? Doing it for lulz? Charging themselves?).
A fun little tale about lightning and how there's a first time for everything.
A fun little tale about lightning and how there's a first time for everything.
I really liked this one. A nice little view in a very different, very strange world.. Yet one where the characters are still completely relatable. Thumbs up!
>>Dolfeus Doseux
Blasted e's, dashing off like that.
As others have commented, it sort of already is. I highly recommend Neil Gaiman's Stardust, as I lifted the general idea of lightning harvesting from that (although the methods and characters are of my own creation). The movie made for it is splendid as well.
>>Xepher
Alas, wordcount was the limiting factor, considering I blew past it by forty words upon completion of the rough draft. In the end, framing the character's emotional arc was of more importance, and the actual act itself secondary to that.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Many thanks, and who knows? Perhaps one day I will muster the drive to give this the pages, rather than mere paragraphs, it deserves.
>>Ratlab
Cutting off at the cliffhanger dive was actually the back-up plan, if I couldn't squeeze things into a more solid conclusion. In the end some more efficient sentence structure and word choices let me fit enough in to 'complete' it.
>>AndrewRogue
I would argue that there is more to the character's development and motivations than is immediately apparent, and discussing it with some contemporaries made me confident it wasn't merely author-inside knowledge. For example, he evidently looks up to his instructor/superior, seeking her advice and noting her experience, with the most obvious example of such being how he'll " have eyes just as blue as hers yet". You also note that he's not too 'gung-ho' about it, but I feel that the fact that he's so wary, and yet overcomes his not-insignificant fright, is in turn a representation of his resolve and desire to become just as adept as his mentor is (as is noted in how passive is efforts are compared to the predator-like technique she employs).
>>Not_A_Hat
As mentioned, yes, this is loosely based on what Stardust does, although in this case I'm implying a more active form of collection; while I didn't expand on it because it wasn't the focus of the story, my head canon is that the lightning is almost living, and defends its territory fiercely (something like a Lightning Elemental in DnD). As implied by the judicious use of personification, it is primal, untamed and animalistic, falling into the trap the protagonist passively acts as whilst trying to flee the hunter that is his teacher.
To expand on what I said in the previous reply, I believe his desire for blue eyes acts as the personal significance; not because he wants blue eyes, but that they're a representation of his experience, a badge of honour. I tried my best to represent the great divide in skill and knowledge between student and teacher, from their method of collection, changes both physical (strength) and cosmetic (the eyes), and their relative resistance (he pukes 'sparking breakfast' while she almost dances out the energy, a representation of how he has to purge while she's able to convert).
>>Ranmilia
I'm going to point you to the previous two comments since I believe they cover most of what you brought up. I will admit, though, that the opening sentence was rather excessive. I was trying to get a snapshot of all the sensations they protagonist was feeling, in order to (hopefully) help the reader put themselves onto the ship's deck as well, but I did so in an overly direct way.
>>Rao
Heh, yes, I suppose you could say that. As for Zarya... Yeah, I can see it.
>>libertydude
They were harvesting lightning (the use of gold-plated cabling was meant to imply that the lightning travels along it to the ship, where it's supposedly stored). Unfortunately, I lacked the space to really expand on such elements, but I'm something of a believer in giving the reader some things to imagine (as long as it isn't imagining a cover to a plothole). And I imagine there might be some thrill-seekers in this world doing it to 'charge themselves', but in this case it was purely profit-driven.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Many thanks! I apologize for the lack of more substance to this reply, compared to the others. I can, however, offer my musical muses used to craft this tale.
Initial inspiration: Sky Trailer
(The original idea was the boy and a similar-ages girl swinging back and forth below the bow to prep the ship for docking in a minute, but I felt I needed to up the stakes a tad)
Writing music: Tropos - Owlboy OST
Edit: Upon checking, I discovered that my reply is almost as long as the story itself (and I do believe this addition to it has pushed it over the cusp, fittingly enough).
Blasted e's, dashing off like that.
As others have commented, it sort of already is. I highly recommend Neil Gaiman's Stardust, as I lifted the general idea of lightning harvesting from that (although the methods and characters are of my own creation). The movie made for it is splendid as well.
>>Xepher
Alas, wordcount was the limiting factor, considering I blew past it by forty words upon completion of the rough draft. In the end, framing the character's emotional arc was of more importance, and the actual act itself secondary to that.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Many thanks, and who knows? Perhaps one day I will muster the drive to give this the pages, rather than mere paragraphs, it deserves.
>>Ratlab
Cutting off at the cliff
>>AndrewRogue
I would argue that there is more to the character's development and motivations than is immediately apparent, and discussing it with some contemporaries made me confident it wasn't merely author-inside knowledge. For example, he evidently looks up to his instructor/superior, seeking her advice and noting her experience, with the most obvious example of such being how he'll " have eyes just as blue as hers yet". You also note that he's not too 'gung-ho' about it, but I feel that the fact that he's so wary, and yet overcomes his not-insignificant fright, is in turn a representation of his resolve and desire to become just as adept as his mentor is (as is noted in how passive is efforts are compared to the predator-like technique she employs).
>>Not_A_Hat
As mentioned, yes, this is loosely based on what Stardust does, although in this case I'm implying a more active form of collection; while I didn't expand on it because it wasn't the focus of the story, my head canon is that the lightning is almost living, and defends its territory fiercely (something like a Lightning Elemental in DnD). As implied by the judicious use of personification, it is primal, untamed and animalistic, falling into the trap the protagonist passively acts as whilst trying to flee the hunter that is his teacher.
To expand on what I said in the previous reply, I believe his desire for blue eyes acts as the personal significance; not because he wants blue eyes, but that they're a representation of his experience, a badge of honour. I tried my best to represent the great divide in skill and knowledge between student and teacher, from their method of collection, changes both physical (strength) and cosmetic (the eyes), and their relative resistance (he pukes 'sparking breakfast' while she almost dances out the energy, a representation of how he has to purge while she's able to convert).
>>Ranmilia
I'm going to point you to the previous two comments since I believe they cover most of what you brought up. I will admit, though, that the opening sentence was rather excessive. I was trying to get a snapshot of all the sensations they protagonist was feeling, in order to (hopefully) help the reader put themselves onto the ship's deck as well, but I did so in an overly direct way.
>>Rao
Heh, yes, I suppose you could say that. As for Zarya... Yeah, I can see it.
>>libertydude
They were harvesting lightning (the use of gold-plated cabling was meant to imply that the lightning travels along it to the ship, where it's supposedly stored). Unfortunately, I lacked the space to really expand on such elements, but I'm something of a believer in giving the reader some things to imagine (as long as it isn't imagining a cover to a plothole). And I imagine there might be some thrill-seekers in this world doing it to 'charge themselves', but in this case it was purely profit-driven.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Many thanks! I apologize for the lack of more substance to this reply, compared to the others. I can, however, offer my musical muses used to craft this tale.
Initial inspiration: Sky Trailer
(The original idea was the boy and a similar-ages girl swinging back and forth below the bow to prep the ship for docking in a minute, but I felt I needed to up the stakes a tad)
Writing music: Tropos - Owlboy OST
Edit: Upon checking, I discovered that my reply is almost as long as the story itself (and I do believe this addition to it has pushed it over the cusp, fittingly enough).