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Never Dream
"Gah!" Rainbow Dash shot up from the dead of sleep, cold sweat trickling down her brow. Her eyes ran around the mostly empty room around her as her heart still thumped in her chest. A crack of sunlight spilled from between the curtains, drawing a golden line across the drab, alien room. Featureless plaster walls painted a dull blue, a hobbled together dresser, and sickening pale yellow drapes with muted lime-green lines forming a repeating square pattern—the same motif of the comforter resting on her lap. This wasn’t her home.
Suddenly the door creaked open, Dash’s eyes bolting to the abyss now staring back at her from the other side of the doorway. "W-what?" She asked the emptiness.
Her answer came from a pony—Fluttershy—stepping inside. "Oh, dear, Rainbow Dash."
Dash stared blankly at Fluttershy for a moment Her friend’s usually bright coat was nearly drained of its color much like the dreary room around her.
"Are you alright? I heard you scream." Fluttershy stepped to the side of the bed, placing a hoof on Dash’s leg still under the sheets.
Dash took an uneven breath, exhaling when her heart finally slowed in her chest. "I’m fine." She looked around at the muted room once more. After the shock faded, it came back to her in waves. This was her home—her [/i]new[/i] home. "I just had a bad dream’s all."
"That sounds awful," Fluttershy said with a sweet voice, like a mother to her foal. "Whatever was it about?"
Dash rubbed the back of her head. "I don’t really wanna talk about it."
"Well, it can’t hurt you now." Fluttershy sat down, patting Dash’s leg from atop the covers.
As her gaze fell down to the comforter and Fluttershy’s hoof, Dash forced a laugh. "You’re right. It’s just a dumb dream."
Fluttershy nodded, a wide smile spreading across her face.
"I dreamt everything was wrong." She moved her gaze to meet Fluttershy’s. "One by one everypony abandoned me. I was left all alone all while trying to get out of a room I was trapped in to save everypony—" Dash cut herself off. Her heart thumped like a drum in her chest once more.
"That’s silly, Rainbow Dash. You don’t have to worry about being alone here."
"Yeah…" Dash stared deep into Fluttershy’s dull, unblinking eyes with that wide grin still stapled on her face. She patted Fluttershy’s hoof with her own.
"I heard somepony had a bad dream?" A voice called from the dark beyond the door. Both Fluttershy and Dash turned to see Starlight Glimmer step inside the doorway.
Dash chuckled. “Yeah.”
“And what kind of dream was it, Rainbow?” Starlight asked with a pleasant smile ever-present on her lips.
“A silly one,” Dash said with another short chuckle. “Right, Fluttershy?” When she turned to Fluttershy she saw the mare was staring blankly at Starlight, her unsettling grin still on her face, almost like invisible strings tugged the ends of her mouth up and back.
“Oh, no. I am very interested in your dream.” Starlight tilted her head to the side, her smile now sending a slight chill up Dash’s spine.
Dash’s smile sagged. “Something about saving some friends from—” she pinched her eyes “—a town…”
"That just won’t do,” Starlight replied with a sickeningly chipper tune to her voice. “Such a horrible dream—what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help you get rid of that little nuisance."
The unicorn’s horn ignited with a soft purple glow that only seemed to drain the rest of the color from the room, filling the void in with its own hue. As she stepped closer, Dash’s whole head went numb and a high-pitched tone filled her ears.
"Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?" Starlight asked, and Fluttershy hopped to her hooves.
On Fluttershy’s haunch two horizontal black bars stood out against her fur. "Of course, Starlight Glimmer. We must help a friend." Her eyes locked back onto Dash as her grin grew wider.
Dash fell back onto the bed, the noise now making her sick to her stomach. As Starlight came closer, it grew louder. "S-stop," she pleaded.
"In our town—" Starlight looked from Fluttershy to Rainbow Dash as she moved to the bedside "—In our town," she sang softly to herself in a sugary-sweet voice. "We work as a team. You can't have a nightmare if you never dream."
As consciousness left, the light of Starlight’s horn was the last thing she saw.
Suddenly the door creaked open, Dash’s eyes bolting to the abyss now staring back at her from the other side of the doorway. "W-what?" She asked the emptiness.
Her answer came from a pony—Fluttershy—stepping inside. "Oh, dear, Rainbow Dash."
Dash stared blankly at Fluttershy for a moment Her friend’s usually bright coat was nearly drained of its color much like the dreary room around her.
"Are you alright? I heard you scream." Fluttershy stepped to the side of the bed, placing a hoof on Dash’s leg still under the sheets.
Dash took an uneven breath, exhaling when her heart finally slowed in her chest. "I’m fine." She looked around at the muted room once more. After the shock faded, it came back to her in waves. This was her home—her [/i]new[/i] home. "I just had a bad dream’s all."
"That sounds awful," Fluttershy said with a sweet voice, like a mother to her foal. "Whatever was it about?"
Dash rubbed the back of her head. "I don’t really wanna talk about it."
"Well, it can’t hurt you now." Fluttershy sat down, patting Dash’s leg from atop the covers.
As her gaze fell down to the comforter and Fluttershy’s hoof, Dash forced a laugh. "You’re right. It’s just a dumb dream."
Fluttershy nodded, a wide smile spreading across her face.
"I dreamt everything was wrong." She moved her gaze to meet Fluttershy’s. "One by one everypony abandoned me. I was left all alone all while trying to get out of a room I was trapped in to save everypony—" Dash cut herself off. Her heart thumped like a drum in her chest once more.
"That’s silly, Rainbow Dash. You don’t have to worry about being alone here."
"Yeah…" Dash stared deep into Fluttershy’s dull, unblinking eyes with that wide grin still stapled on her face. She patted Fluttershy’s hoof with her own.
"I heard somepony had a bad dream?" A voice called from the dark beyond the door. Both Fluttershy and Dash turned to see Starlight Glimmer step inside the doorway.
Dash chuckled. “Yeah.”
“And what kind of dream was it, Rainbow?” Starlight asked with a pleasant smile ever-present on her lips.
“A silly one,” Dash said with another short chuckle. “Right, Fluttershy?” When she turned to Fluttershy she saw the mare was staring blankly at Starlight, her unsettling grin still on her face, almost like invisible strings tugged the ends of her mouth up and back.
“Oh, no. I am very interested in your dream.” Starlight tilted her head to the side, her smile now sending a slight chill up Dash’s spine.
Dash’s smile sagged. “Something about saving some friends from—” she pinched her eyes “—a town…”
"That just won’t do,” Starlight replied with a sickeningly chipper tune to her voice. “Such a horrible dream—what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help you get rid of that little nuisance."
The unicorn’s horn ignited with a soft purple glow that only seemed to drain the rest of the color from the room, filling the void in with its own hue. As she stepped closer, Dash’s whole head went numb and a high-pitched tone filled her ears.
"Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?" Starlight asked, and Fluttershy hopped to her hooves.
On Fluttershy’s haunch two horizontal black bars stood out against her fur. "Of course, Starlight Glimmer. We must help a friend." Her eyes locked back onto Dash as her grin grew wider.
Dash fell back onto the bed, the noise now making her sick to her stomach. As Starlight came closer, it grew louder. "S-stop," she pleaded.
"In our town—" Starlight looked from Fluttershy to Rainbow Dash as she moved to the bedside "—In our town," she sang softly to herself in a sugary-sweet voice. "We work as a team. You can't have a nightmare if you never dream."
As consciousness left, the light of Starlight’s horn was the last thing she saw.
Again, there just wasn't enough room available to really sell the tension and the twist—and the on-the-nose title didn't you do any favors—but a noble attempt all the same. I definitely look forward to seeing this expanded.
Looks like a nice idea for a horror-like story, but the small technical imperfections kept jarring me out of it. I think you used up too many words to describe the decor in the first paragraph, and somehow the plot seems to linger rather than to drive the nail home.
To be honest, this looks like a first draft, words jotted down hastily to give substance to your idea. Will need work to be more effective.
To be honest, this looks like a first draft, words jotted down hastily to give substance to your idea. Will need work to be more effective.
Genre: Horror
Thoughts: Kudos, dear Author, for writing something that gave me chills during the middle section. Fluttershy brings just about the right mix of comfort and wrongness to keep the discomfort building. That accelerates faster than I wish it did once Starlight walks in, though; for a moment I forgot I was reading a minific that was running out of words, and I hoped we'd get progressively creepier visits from the rest of the Mane 6 before the reveal. But even there, kudos for hooking me and drawing me into wanting/expecting more.
I'm less enthusiastic about the ending. Anchoring the story to Our Town raises continuity/AU questions that distract my inner pedant. I can appreciate this in spite of that, but it does make me a bit more inclined to ding you for the technical issues that others have noted.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Kudos, dear Author, for writing something that gave me chills during the middle section. Fluttershy brings just about the right mix of comfort and wrongness to keep the discomfort building. That accelerates faster than I wish it did once Starlight walks in, though; for a moment I forgot I was reading a minific that was running out of words, and I hoped we'd get progressively creepier visits from the rest of the Mane 6 before the reveal. But even there, kudos for hooking me and drawing me into wanting/expecting more.
I'm less enthusiastic about the ending. Anchoring the story to Our Town raises continuity/AU questions that distract my inner pedant. I can appreciate this in spite of that, but it does make me a bit more inclined to ding you for the technical issues that others have noted.
Tier: Almost There
A creepy dread feeling that keeps building up with all the false reassurance. the whole atmosphere is sickly and unnerving, and there's no familiar comfort to latch on to, even after waking up from a nightmare all sweaty and shaking. makes me think it's one of those videos or games where a jumpscare could happen any moment.
To be honest, this is the kind of horror I can't handle at all, I just don't enjoy it. But I think it achieved its desired emotional effect.
Some may think it's a little predictable with the "Our Town" theme, but in a horror minific I think that works just fine. Better to have that recognizable connection to the show, rather than something totally new that most readers will misunderstand.
Could I make a suggestion? I feel like Rainbow is too passive here, even when things get worse. I think she should be trying to do something she wants (i.e. trying to mentally stabilize herself), but her caretakers don't allow her. Or resisting, but failing because she noticed the danger too late. That kind of powerlessness, with a touch of regret, would strengthen this scene. At least for me! Even though I'm not the target audience for this horror, so take that as you will.
To be honest, this is the kind of horror I can't handle at all, I just don't enjoy it. But I think it achieved its desired emotional effect.
Some may think it's a little predictable with the "Our Town" theme, but in a horror minific I think that works just fine. Better to have that recognizable connection to the show, rather than something totally new that most readers will misunderstand.
Could I make a suggestion? I feel like Rainbow is too passive here, even when things get worse. I think she should be trying to do something she wants (i.e. trying to mentally stabilize herself), but her caretakers don't allow her. Or resisting, but failing because she noticed the danger too late. That kind of powerlessness, with a touch of regret, would strengthen this scene. At least for me! Even though I'm not the target audience for this horror, so take that as you will.
First I've seen of this premise (I expected more already), so good idea there. However, this really needs some work on the basics. There are clear typos, visible bbcode mistakes, and more. A few examples (with suggestions) that stood out:
Opening sentences are important. This needs work:
"Her" is said four times. "Around" is twice. Try:
Needlessly awkward. We already know Fluttershy is a pony. More importantly here though, Fluttershy's line isn't actually an answer to "What?"
Try:
Beyond that, I'm afraid it just doesn't build tension like it needs to for me. The moment Starlight walks in is a giveaway, and before that is just hazy, so the only "plot" I get is "What if they never escaped Equality?"
Overall, this'll float near the bottom-to-mid for me I'm afraid. Not horrible, but needs a lot of work both in the plotting/tension-building and at the technical level. Keep trying though!
Opening sentences are important. This needs work:
Her eyes ran around the mostly empty room around her as her heart still thumped in her chest.
"Her" is said four times. "Around" is twice. Try:
Heart still thumping, her eyes surveyed the mostly empty room around her.
Her answer came from a pony—Fluttershy—stepping inside.
Needlessly awkward. We already know Fluttershy is a pony. More importantly here though, Fluttershy's line isn't actually an answer to "What?"
Try:
The only answer came as Fluttershy stepped inside.
Beyond that, I'm afraid it just doesn't build tension like it needs to for me. The moment Starlight walks in is a giveaway, and before that is just hazy, so the only "plot" I get is "What if they never escaped Equality?"
Overall, this'll float near the bottom-to-mid for me I'm afraid. Not horrible, but needs a lot of work both in the plotting/tension-building and at the technical level. Keep trying though!
