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Under an oppressive moon
The sun is setting, and I did not have a single idea.
"Words, words, words!" I screamed at the moon, as the darkness came down.
I fell down on my knees, still screaming in pain and frustration, looking up at the moon.
The room slowly grew dark before me, but not a single word came to mind.
"Why have you forsaken me, thrice damned words?" I howled in agony, trying to raise to my feet.
"Why are there no words?" I thought, squealing.
Planting the palms of my hands squarely on the floor; tentatively pushing, but to no avail. I could not do it. Putting more effort into it, but still not a chance. I increased the effort, but even as I strain myself to the breaking point, still nothing.
Trembling under the pressure, I finally gave in and gave up and slumped on the floor, withering in agony.
The moon glared down in triumphant glee, as I fell down.
With pain written all over my face, I looked up; blinking in disbelief, nothing was there. Yet, the moon still glared at me and snarled out menacing words I could not make out.
Half by half, I imagined the crowd looking down at me, as I feel the walls closing in om me.
A door slams shut, and the next swing open but none is there. I try to push myself up, but still found myself too weak to get up. The struggle infuriated me.
"Iiiih!" I screamed.
"Dusk!" I hear a gasp expelled from behind the wall to the right.
"Is it really you!" I tried to say, ending up with little more than a crow's noise.
"Dusk, Dusk, Dusk!" the voice merely responded.
"I am going out of my mind, now I am hearing voices that are clearly not there!" I thought, feeling the desperation coming over me.
"Words, words, words" I cursed in my mind.
A girl is tiptoeing behind the wall, slowly making her way towards the door, yet never seems to make the headway towards actually getting there. Was she more concerned with getting there quiet, than actually getting there?
"Words, words, words; why have you forsaken me?" I cursed on.
"I hope I am not scaring her!" the girl behind the wall thought, frantically doing her best to move quiet, only to end up flat on her nose.
"Is that you?" I once more tried to say, irritated over how my voice had gone the way of the words I tried to express.
"Words, words, words!" I screamed at the moon, as the darkness came down.
I fell down on my knees, still screaming in pain and frustration, looking up at the moon.
The room slowly grew dark before me, but not a single word came to mind.
"Why have you forsaken me, thrice damned words?" I howled in agony, trying to raise to my feet.
"Why are there no words?" I thought, squealing.
Planting the palms of my hands squarely on the floor; tentatively pushing, but to no avail. I could not do it. Putting more effort into it, but still not a chance. I increased the effort, but even as I strain myself to the breaking point, still nothing.
Trembling under the pressure, I finally gave in and gave up and slumped on the floor, withering in agony.
The moon glared down in triumphant glee, as I fell down.
With pain written all over my face, I looked up; blinking in disbelief, nothing was there. Yet, the moon still glared at me and snarled out menacing words I could not make out.
Half by half, I imagined the crowd looking down at me, as I feel the walls closing in om me.
A door slams shut, and the next swing open but none is there. I try to push myself up, but still found myself too weak to get up. The struggle infuriated me.
"Iiiih!" I screamed.
"Dusk!" I hear a gasp expelled from behind the wall to the right.
"Is it really you!" I tried to say, ending up with little more than a crow's noise.
"Dusk, Dusk, Dusk!" the voice merely responded.
"I am going out of my mind, now I am hearing voices that are clearly not there!" I thought, feeling the desperation coming over me.
"Words, words, words" I cursed in my mind.
A girl is tiptoeing behind the wall, slowly making her way towards the door, yet never seems to make the headway towards actually getting there. Was she more concerned with getting there quiet, than actually getting there?
"Words, words, words; why have you forsaken me?" I cursed on.
"I hope I am not scaring her!" the girl behind the wall thought, frantically doing her best to move quiet, only to end up flat on her nose.
"Is that you?" I once more tried to say, irritated over how my voice had gone the way of the words I tried to express.
Write words! Words, words, words! I hope they will add up to something. Whoops, I am out of time!
(Sorry, author, I feel your pain. We have all been there too.)
(Sorry, author, I feel your pain. We have all been there too.)
This isn't really a story... just a mess of disjointed, nonsensical gibberish. There's nothing to rate here, really.
I think this is the third story I've read now about writers not knowing what to write. I'm thinking it's because of the prompt, but I think the saying from daily comics applies here (forgive me, I forget the exact source): only once can you make a comic about not having any ideas.
That aside, this has a dream-like quality about how surreal everything seems. I'm not able to follow it. Seemingly, the most obvious interpretation is a writer not knowing what to write (as I mentioned), but the metaphors tossed in make it really unclear what's going on. I don't understand why the girl is there, or what the moon represents. Some of the narration has a poetic-like quality that leads me to believe it's supposed to be some sort of allegory, but... again, it's just sort of disorienting.
There were also some comma splices, several instances where the tense was inconsistent (switching between past and present), and a few awkward phrasings.
That aside, this has a dream-like quality about how surreal everything seems. I'm not able to follow it. Seemingly, the most obvious interpretation is a writer not knowing what to write (as I mentioned), but the metaphors tossed in make it really unclear what's going on. I don't understand why the girl is there, or what the moon represents. Some of the narration has a poetic-like quality that leads me to believe it's supposed to be some sort of allegory, but... again, it's just sort of disorienting.
There were also some comma splices, several instances where the tense was inconsistent (switching between past and present), and a few awkward phrasings.
Very boring and disjointed. you could replace words with meta and you'd have the same story, pretty much
0/10
0/10
Why does everyone instantly assum the story is about writing?
Who is the girl, and why is the character screaming at the moon?
Who is the girl, and why is the character screaming at the moon?
>>Anna
There's a couple of reasons. The first lines mainly tip off this idea:
Now, the first line alone wouldn't be an indicator by itself, but it's the next line ["Words, words, words!"] that gives me a hint. From the first two lines here, the author has established
1) the narrator is frustrated because
2) the narrator does not have an idea
3) by the time the sun is setting, and
4) it's related to words, so it's likely to be about writing.
This brings to mind the writeoff, where it's common for people here to
1) express frustration about
2) not having an idea
3) before the deadline about
4) what to write.
Now, ["Words, words, words!"] could mean something related to words but not necessarily writing, but the writing idea is reinforced by a line shortly after: [The room slowly grew dark before me, but not a single word came to mind.]. It's not the best reinforcement, but if you're already thinking it might be about not knowing what to write, this line can add to that idea.
Now, the rest of the story I'm not so sure about. The story feels disjointed anyway, but the second half feels like it's going for a different allegory or something, which is why I said it has a "dream-like quality"--because it jumps from the first half of the story to the next without something connecting them.
I think this may have worked better if it had focused on one idea instead of seemingly two, and if the pace was a bit slower so I might be able to absorb what was going on. However, I feel like I'm not really the sort of target audience that would appreciate this type of symbolic or surreal type of story anyway. Regardless, I couldn't get invested in it.
Why does everyone instantly assum the story is about writing?
There's a couple of reasons. The first lines mainly tip off this idea:
The sun is setting, and I did not have a single idea.
"Words, words, words!" I screamed at the moon, as the darkness came down.
Now, the first line alone wouldn't be an indicator by itself, but it's the next line ["Words, words, words!"] that gives me a hint. From the first two lines here, the author has established
1) the narrator is frustrated because
2) the narrator does not have an idea
3) by the time the sun is setting, and
4) it's related to words, so it's likely to be about writing.
This brings to mind the writeoff, where it's common for people here to
1) express frustration about
2) not having an idea
3) before the deadline about
4) what to write.
Now, ["Words, words, words!"] could mean something related to words but not necessarily writing, but the writing idea is reinforced by a line shortly after: [The room slowly grew dark before me, but not a single word came to mind.]. It's not the best reinforcement, but if you're already thinking it might be about not knowing what to write, this line can add to that idea.
Now, the rest of the story I'm not so sure about. The story feels disjointed anyway, but the second half feels like it's going for a different allegory or something, which is why I said it has a "dream-like quality"--because it jumps from the first half of the story to the next without something connecting them.
I think this may have worked better if it had focused on one idea instead of seemingly two, and if the pace was a bit slower so I might be able to absorb what was going on. However, I feel like I'm not really the sort of target audience that would appreciate this type of symbolic or surreal type of story anyway. Regardless, I couldn't get invested in it.
>>FrontSevens
For the sake of the argument, these does look like valid points at the begining of the story.
As a counterargument, what if the words had been intended for the girl at the end of the story?
Is it uncommon to be tonguetied in the presence of someone you desire?
I guess I can see more of the disjointed argument as you put it, if it refers to the break between clear ration, to the dreamlike state.
If you don't feel invested, that isn't for me to comment on.
For the sake of the argument, these does look like valid points at the begining of the story.
As a counterargument, what if the words had been intended for the girl at the end of the story?
Is it uncommon to be tonguetied in the presence of someone you desire?
I guess I can see more of the disjointed argument as you put it, if it refers to the break between clear ration, to the dreamlike state.
If you don't feel invested, that isn't for me to comment on.
>>Anna
Then there's barely any evidence that indicates that, from what I see. The voice is unidentified until the last quarter of the story, and even then she is referred to as "a girl" by the narrator, which would imply a girl that the narrator doesn't know.
If the author knows the girl, this should be apparent in the story. The story is the argument (or counterargument), after all.
The only indication I can find that he knows the girl is ["Is it really you!"] and ["Is that you?"]. But that's vague, and only tells me the narrator recognizes the girl. I don't know if this girl is his love interest or something else, because nothing else in the story tells me he's in love with the girl. Most of the story is simply about not knowing "the words".
Proposing an idea like this--not as an idea that was proposed or even apparent from story, but as a general query--leads me to believe you're the author under a pseudonym. You don't have to confirm or deny that, or even address it. I just wanted to point it out.
I think what's happening here is a difference between what the author meant to communicate and what the story ends up communicating. If a batch of readers like us--ones that even provide feedback--are consistently misinterpreting a story, then something in the story probably needs work: whether it be that the focus of the story is misaimed, or there are other storytelling flaws (as the other reviewers and I try to point out). In general, readers are not always wrong about their interpretations--how can a reader help how they feel? It's good practice for an author to look at their own story and think about how it might be easier for other people to feel what the author wants them to feel.
As a counterargument, what if the words had been intended for the girl at the end of the story?
Then there's barely any evidence that indicates that, from what I see. The voice is unidentified until the last quarter of the story, and even then she is referred to as "a girl" by the narrator, which would imply a girl that the narrator doesn't know.
If the author knows the girl, this should be apparent in the story. The story is the argument (or counterargument), after all.
The only indication I can find that he knows the girl is ["Is it really you!"] and ["Is that you?"]. But that's vague, and only tells me the narrator recognizes the girl. I don't know if this girl is his love interest or something else, because nothing else in the story tells me he's in love with the girl. Most of the story is simply about not knowing "the words".
Is it uncommon to be tonguetied in the presence of someone you desire?
Proposing an idea like this--not as an idea that was proposed or even apparent from story, but as a general query--leads me to believe you're the author under a pseudonym. You don't have to confirm or deny that, or even address it. I just wanted to point it out.
I think what's happening here is a difference between what the author meant to communicate and what the story ends up communicating. If a batch of readers like us--ones that even provide feedback--are consistently misinterpreting a story, then something in the story probably needs work: whether it be that the focus of the story is misaimed, or there are other storytelling flaws (as the other reviewers and I try to point out). In general, readers are not always wrong about their interpretations--how can a reader help how they feel? It's good practice for an author to look at their own story and think about how it might be easier for other people to feel what the author wants them to feel.
>>FrontSevens
To be frank, the story is clearly vague on most of the background. The only clear item is the struggle with words.
A number of hints are spread out, but you are correct in the notion of interpreting these from your standpoint. We don't know the author since we don't know who it is. It's part of the point of the exersice, isn't it?
If the character of the narrative standpoint knows the girl? Isn't she the one most clearly defined in the tale? Defined as a girl, is a clear statement. Is there anything to suggest the character is male by any standard?
Knowing the words, exactly. What other posibilities could that statement imply? While I guess that could further confuse you as the reader.
> The only indication I can find that he knows the girl is ["Is it really you!"] and ["Is that you?"].
if it is referring to "Dusk!", it isn't exactly implied who it is.
If you are wrong, and if there are issues? Not quite the tome or word count to build up much.
Guess it feels safe to assume that the once who did not comment liked it even less and didn't understand even this much.
To be frank, the story is clearly vague on most of the background. The only clear item is the struggle with words.
A number of hints are spread out, but you are correct in the notion of interpreting these from your standpoint. We don't know the author since we don't know who it is. It's part of the point of the exersice, isn't it?
If the character of the narrative standpoint knows the girl? Isn't she the one most clearly defined in the tale? Defined as a girl, is a clear statement. Is there anything to suggest the character is male by any standard?
Knowing the words, exactly. What other posibilities could that statement imply? While I guess that could further confuse you as the reader.
> The only indication I can find that he knows the girl is ["Is it really you!"] and ["Is that you?"].
if it is referring to "Dusk!", it isn't exactly implied who it is.
If you are wrong, and if there are issues? Not quite the tome or word count to build up much.
Guess it feels safe to assume that the once who did not comment liked it even less and didn't understand even this much.
I am honestly not quite sure what to do with this.
At a general level, the fundamentals here need a lot of work. Lot of typos, awkward narrative flow, etc. As a result, it is, unfortunately, pretty much unintelligible to me. I do disagree with the broad commentary re: writing allegory (the later bits don't really add to that), but beyond that... yeah, I really don't have a lot I can mine out of this.
Basic advice is really just focus on cleaning up the fundamentals first.
At a general level, the fundamentals here need a lot of work. Lot of typos, awkward narrative flow, etc. As a result, it is, unfortunately, pretty much unintelligible to me. I do disagree with the broad commentary re: writing allegory (the later bits don't really add to that), but beyond that... yeah, I really don't have a lot I can mine out of this.
Basic advice is really just focus on cleaning up the fundamentals first.
>>FrontSevens
If we take it from the top, and see the sun setting as he moon comes up?
While the cursing of words does support the wrighting, it is not definitely proving it.
If you connect the loss of words with the moon, instead of the end of the day or deadline; what do we have?
The walls closing in, sounds like a problem from something other than a wrighting issue?
Tried to say, sounds as if you are incapable of speach, rather than hit by speachlock.
If you hear voices that are not there, is it halucination, or from the distance?
Why doesn't the girl want to scare the charcter?
For the alternative conclusion; werewolf coming to mind.
If we take it from the top, and see the sun setting as he moon comes up?
While the cursing of words does support the wrighting, it is not definitely proving it.
If you connect the loss of words with the moon, instead of the end of the day or deadline; what do we have?
The walls closing in, sounds like a problem from something other than a wrighting issue?
Tried to say, sounds as if you are incapable of speach, rather than hit by speachlock.
If you hear voices that are not there, is it halucination, or from the distance?
Why doesn't the girl want to scare the charcter?
For the alternative conclusion; werewolf coming to mind.
>>FrontSevens
For some additional on the idea; even if the beginning may have been a wrighter, it is not the end of the story.
The secod segment is looking like a vague description of a transformation from a dissoriented and frustrated perspective.
The third segment is more of a menal stuggle and issues.
The end deals with the girl behind the wall, but who is she?
For some additional on the idea; even if the beginning may have been a wrighter, it is not the end of the story.
The secod segment is looking like a vague description of a transformation from a dissoriented and frustrated perspective.
The third segment is more of a menal stuggle and issues.
The end deals with the girl behind the wall, but who is she?
>>Ritsuko
>>Ritsuko
All of these things weren't made clear in your story though. If you wanted the reader to look for these things, make them actually feel like they should be looked at deeper, not that they're just things kinda happening. Also, I think most people assume a story -especially a minific- is going to be focusing on one idea unless another idea is very clearly stated, so having the beginning be about writing and the rest be about things that could very easily be read as being about writing wasn't exactly telling the reader that something deeper was going on beneath the surface.
Furthermore, I don't really see much point in bringing up things in a story that will just never be resolved. If she never does anything important in the story, what's the point of the girl being there and why should I care who she is? If something is vague and not elaborated on, what's the point of trying to suss out any meaning when it doesn't hold much relevance in the story anyways? If you want your readers to be asking questions about the "why" of all the parts of your stories, make all the parts feel important instead of kinda glossed over, and make all those parts have actual bearing on the story.
>>Ritsuko
All of these things weren't made clear in your story though. If you wanted the reader to look for these things, make them actually feel like they should be looked at deeper, not that they're just things kinda happening. Also, I think most people assume a story -especially a minific- is going to be focusing on one idea unless another idea is very clearly stated, so having the beginning be about writing and the rest be about things that could very easily be read as being about writing wasn't exactly telling the reader that something deeper was going on beneath the surface.
Furthermore, I don't really see much point in bringing up things in a story that will just never be resolved. If she never does anything important in the story, what's the point of the girl being there and why should I care who she is? If something is vague and not elaborated on, what's the point of trying to suss out any meaning when it doesn't hold much relevance in the story anyways? If you want your readers to be asking questions about the "why" of all the parts of your stories, make all the parts feel important instead of kinda glossed over, and make all those parts have actual bearing on the story.