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The Day After Yesterday Morning
Queen Chrysalis laughed as she paced around her royal throne room. She has done it, she did the unthinkable, the impossible. She has captured the leaders of Equestria and now nothing is able to stop her from taking the nation’s citizens and their love.
“You won't get away with this!” Twilight Sparkle said as she hanged upside down, ready to be cocooned. The Changeling queen waved it off and hovered in front of her enemy.
“Yes, yes, you can say that all you wish. But you must realize by now, you have failed and I have won.” she said, revealing a toothy grin to her captured prey. Twilight Sparkle shook her head, being defiant to the end.
“As long as our friendship endures, my friends will never-” she was cut off as the cocoon sealed over her, causing Chrysalis to chortle in laughter.
“Yes, silence in utter darkness, let it be like an old friend, for that will be the only thing that will comfort you.” she said, as she reveled in her victory, knowing that nothing, nothing would stop her from conquering Equestria.
She then heard a laughter behind her. She turned to see the pink pony laughing.
“What do you find so funny, Pinkie Pie?” she demanded. Pinkie Pie simply snickered and pointed a hoof at her.
“Well since it’s considered darkness, she would only need her shadow to comfort her. Your shadow as your friend, that is treat.” she said and began snickering, making Queen Chrysalis look at her in confusion.
“What are you blathering about?” she asked, irked that her moment of glory is disturbed by this obnoxious pony.
“I mean, your shadow is always with you, in fact, every time I jump up and down I always see my shadow beneath me. Following wherever I go, in fact it’s like a little pet."
“You're not making sense at all.” Queen Chrysalis said, annoyance growing within her.
“Well, what is to make sense, everypony gets a little crazy at times. Oh, you wouldn’t believe the time when Twilight got crazy over my Pinkie sense, oh that was fun."
“Enough of your useless prattle! It’s giving me a headache!” Queen Chrysalis said, removing Pinkie Pie out of her cocoon and holding her in the air.
“Headache? Oh you should have a little water a long nap. That helps me after a rough party. Oh, you know what else, when you feel better, everypony can see your happy sappy face and be adored by everypony! Oh great now I’m getting hungry."
“Shut up!” Queen Chrysalis demanded, clutching her hooves around Pinkie’s neck, hoping to silence her. Pinkie Pie stopped talking for a moment and gave a serious look at her.
“Wait Chrysalis, that reminds me! It’s most important I tell you-” she said as Chrysalis seethed in untempered rage.
“What useless and pathetic words of advice do you have for me!?” she asked, hoping to at least be rid of her once she finished her chatter. Taking a deep breath, Pinkie replied.
“Did you ever had the feeling you’re being watched?” she said, which caused Chrysalis to pause.
“What?” she asked, her annoyance turned to confusion at Pinkie Pie’s behest.
“That the eyes of strange and eerie things are upon you?” she said as Chrysalis eyes begin to widen slightly as her words came down upon her.
“That your very actions and deeds have made you found wanting and that others have now judged you because of them. That you now have guilt and even, if I dare say it, have no clue as to what they think of you.”
Chrysalis blinked a few times before softly speaking back.
“And, who is that?” she asked before Pinkie looked to the side and pointed her hoof.
“Look,” she said, as Chrysalis followed, “Down there in the Fimfic comments.”
“Fimfic comments?” she uttered before her eyes went wide in sudden realization, “People!?” Queen Chrysalis lets go of Pinkie Pie and screams at the top of her lungs, while quickly darting toward the exit by smashing through the hive wall.
***
“Pinkie, that is not how that happened.” Twilight said as she listened to Pinkie speak of Yesterday’s events since their capture.
“I know, but I thought that would be funny if it did happen, wouldn’t you agree?” she said, giving a wink that was not directed at her.
“Why does she do that?” Starlight Glimmer asked, as Twilight simply shook her head.
“I don’t know. It’s just Pinkie being Pinkie.”
“You won't get away with this!” Twilight Sparkle said as she hanged upside down, ready to be cocooned. The Changeling queen waved it off and hovered in front of her enemy.
“Yes, yes, you can say that all you wish. But you must realize by now, you have failed and I have won.” she said, revealing a toothy grin to her captured prey. Twilight Sparkle shook her head, being defiant to the end.
“As long as our friendship endures, my friends will never-” she was cut off as the cocoon sealed over her, causing Chrysalis to chortle in laughter.
“Yes, silence in utter darkness, let it be like an old friend, for that will be the only thing that will comfort you.” she said, as she reveled in her victory, knowing that nothing, nothing would stop her from conquering Equestria.
She then heard a laughter behind her. She turned to see the pink pony laughing.
“What do you find so funny, Pinkie Pie?” she demanded. Pinkie Pie simply snickered and pointed a hoof at her.
“Well since it’s considered darkness, she would only need her shadow to comfort her. Your shadow as your friend, that is treat.” she said and began snickering, making Queen Chrysalis look at her in confusion.
“What are you blathering about?” she asked, irked that her moment of glory is disturbed by this obnoxious pony.
“I mean, your shadow is always with you, in fact, every time I jump up and down I always see my shadow beneath me. Following wherever I go, in fact it’s like a little pet."
“You're not making sense at all.” Queen Chrysalis said, annoyance growing within her.
“Well, what is to make sense, everypony gets a little crazy at times. Oh, you wouldn’t believe the time when Twilight got crazy over my Pinkie sense, oh that was fun."
“Enough of your useless prattle! It’s giving me a headache!” Queen Chrysalis said, removing Pinkie Pie out of her cocoon and holding her in the air.
“Headache? Oh you should have a little water a long nap. That helps me after a rough party. Oh, you know what else, when you feel better, everypony can see your happy sappy face and be adored by everypony! Oh great now I’m getting hungry."
“Shut up!” Queen Chrysalis demanded, clutching her hooves around Pinkie’s neck, hoping to silence her. Pinkie Pie stopped talking for a moment and gave a serious look at her.
“Wait Chrysalis, that reminds me! It’s most important I tell you-” she said as Chrysalis seethed in untempered rage.
“What useless and pathetic words of advice do you have for me!?” she asked, hoping to at least be rid of her once she finished her chatter. Taking a deep breath, Pinkie replied.
“Did you ever had the feeling you’re being watched?” she said, which caused Chrysalis to pause.
“What?” she asked, her annoyance turned to confusion at Pinkie Pie’s behest.
“That the eyes of strange and eerie things are upon you?” she said as Chrysalis eyes begin to widen slightly as her words came down upon her.
“That your very actions and deeds have made you found wanting and that others have now judged you because of them. That you now have guilt and even, if I dare say it, have no clue as to what they think of you.”
Chrysalis blinked a few times before softly speaking back.
“And, who is that?” she asked before Pinkie looked to the side and pointed her hoof.
“Look,” she said, as Chrysalis followed, “Down there in the Fimfic comments.”
“Fimfic comments?” she uttered before her eyes went wide in sudden realization, “People!?” Queen Chrysalis lets go of Pinkie Pie and screams at the top of her lungs, while quickly darting toward the exit by smashing through the hive wall.
***
“Pinkie, that is not how that happened.” Twilight said as she listened to Pinkie speak of Yesterday’s events since their capture.
“I know, but I thought that would be funny if it did happen, wouldn’t you agree?” she said, giving a wink that was not directed at her.
“Why does she do that?” Starlight Glimmer asked, as Twilight simply shook her head.
“I don’t know. It’s just Pinkie being Pinkie.”
Hrm.
I like the basic idea in this—essentially another retelling of Random of Red Chief,* but still funny enough—but there are a lot of problems. First, the prose leaves a lot to be desired... there's a tense error right in the first paragraph, for example, along with loads of punctuation/capitalization issues throughout.
Secondly, nothing Pinkie says is particularly funny. Quite like Chrysalis, I found myself stuck on Pinkie's point about the shadow—I legit had no idea what she was trying to say (the line "That is treat" threw me way off). Her humor doesn't feel like Pinkie having a conversation with a dangerous changeling queen, but like a bunch of random lines that Pinkie Pie might say in different conversations strung together. And that fourth wall break... it didn't work for me.
The fact that the point of the story just seems to be "Pinkie Pie is random" didn't help—we know Pinkie is strange. We've watched the show. What can you add to that conversation that hasn't been said before? Not to say that every single story you write has to have a super unique point, but at the least, you should try to separate your story from others of its ilk.
(*the first one being Dog and Pony Show back in S1)
I like the basic idea in this—essentially another retelling of Random of Red Chief,* but still funny enough—but there are a lot of problems. First, the prose leaves a lot to be desired... there's a tense error right in the first paragraph, for example, along with loads of punctuation/capitalization issues throughout.
Secondly, nothing Pinkie says is particularly funny. Quite like Chrysalis, I found myself stuck on Pinkie's point about the shadow—I legit had no idea what she was trying to say (the line "That is treat" threw me way off). Her humor doesn't feel like Pinkie having a conversation with a dangerous changeling queen, but like a bunch of random lines that Pinkie Pie might say in different conversations strung together. And that fourth wall break... it didn't work for me.
The fact that the point of the story just seems to be "Pinkie Pie is random" didn't help—we know Pinkie is strange. We've watched the show. What can you add to that conversation that hasn't been said before? Not to say that every single story you write has to have a super unique point, but at the least, you should try to separate your story from others of its ilk.
(*the first one being Dog and Pony Show back in S1)
Alright let's keep this nice and short. I understand that this is a minific. And I don't like the super constricted small lengths of that the stories have to abide by. So before we dissect this thing. Let's point out the obvious that will be following the rest of my reviews. These are obvious traits that tend to make these types of stories feel less effective in it's entertainment value.
1) It's short - Just when you wish for more, it ends. Usually on a bad note or an unfinished lingering swirl of emotions and opinions.
2)Little to no plot - Every writer has to sacrifice more than half their words to appease the rules in order for their entry to be submitted and not completely tossed away for having too much. This leads to complications with editing forcing writers to trim straight down to the bone.
3)Simplicity - Once again due to the sheer measurement of the stories provided we get little to no material to read. This one took my two minutes to read. I could barely grasp the conflict, intro, or ending. Which seems to be the norm for these types.
Now. That aside for that being for every story listed. (And if it isn't good for you! You're a talented writer! But for everyone else we like the extra space for creativity.) Let's focus on this story as a whole.
We get the conflict at the start which turns out to be a pretty good hook. Now the hero here seems to be Pinkie Pie with her meta story humor and senses. I'm not buying it. It was a good intro and got me intrigued on how the energetic pony would defeat the villain. Then that one curse of a word that completely broke it for me. "Fimfic comments" I get it's a joke but it was what I feel felt like a let down. Then we find out Twilight and Pinkie are retelling their adventure to some mysterious audience. Okay? Maybe the two are posting it online in Fimfiction? Hell! I even thought that it might be human Twilight and human Pinkie Pie, which would have been an awesome joke and actually make a meta relationship with it's readers. Since that's not really mentioned we are left with the idea of their pony versions trying to figure out who in Pinkie's mind is she trying to connect with. Sorry Pinkie but the Pie just didn't do it for me this time.
1) It's short - Just when you wish for more, it ends. Usually on a bad note or an unfinished lingering swirl of emotions and opinions.
2)Little to no plot - Every writer has to sacrifice more than half their words to appease the rules in order for their entry to be submitted and not completely tossed away for having too much. This leads to complications with editing forcing writers to trim straight down to the bone.
3)Simplicity - Once again due to the sheer measurement of the stories provided we get little to no material to read. This one took my two minutes to read. I could barely grasp the conflict, intro, or ending. Which seems to be the norm for these types.
Now. That aside for that being for every story listed. (And if it isn't good for you! You're a talented writer! But for everyone else we like the extra space for creativity.) Let's focus on this story as a whole.
We get the conflict at the start which turns out to be a pretty good hook. Now the hero here seems to be Pinkie Pie with her meta story humor and senses. I'm not buying it. It was a good intro and got me intrigued on how the energetic pony would defeat the villain. Then that one curse of a word that completely broke it for me. "Fimfic comments" I get it's a joke but it was what I feel felt like a let down. Then we find out Twilight and Pinkie are retelling their adventure to some mysterious audience. Okay? Maybe the two are posting it online in Fimfiction? Hell! I even thought that it might be human Twilight and human Pinkie Pie, which would have been an awesome joke and actually make a meta relationship with it's readers. Since that's not really mentioned we are left with the idea of their pony versions trying to figure out who in Pinkie's mind is she trying to connect with. Sorry Pinkie but the Pie just didn't do it for me this time.
The writing here really needs some work, both technically (tense, grammar, spelling, etc.) and in overall flow. It was very hard to really get a sense of what was happening. The 4th wall break, then the scene break to show this as a recap (thus meeting the prompt/theme requirement) threw what little understanding I had even further out the window.
Chrysalis goes pretty quick from homicidal anger to intrigue to abject terror pretty quick. In light of the "what if?" retrospective narrative angle it's acceptable. Limited space and all that.
However, I reread it a dozen times and I still can't quite puzzle out this line:
I'm willing to chalk that up to my own inability though. "Found wanting" always reminds me of "A Knight's Tale" <3.
Fourth wall breaking Pinkie is strong medicine for me, and is best used sparingly. Either the FimFic comment line in the middle or the audience wink would have been good seasoning, but both together feel like a bit too much.
However, I reread it a dozen times and I still can't quite puzzle out this line:
“That your very actions and deeds have made you found wanting[...]
I'm willing to chalk that up to my own inability though. "Found wanting" always reminds me of "A Knight's Tale" <3.
Fourth wall breaking Pinkie is strong medicine for me, and is best used sparingly. Either the FimFic comment line in the middle or the audience wink would have been good seasoning, but both together feel like a bit too much.
I like an eldritch Pinkie as much as the next guy if not more so, but the execution here falls flat. Pinkie’s nonsense usually has at least a thin current of logic running through it, even if it’s Wonderland logic; here it feels completely noncontinuous, at times downright nonsensical. And I don’t mean “Ha ha, how droll,” nonsense, I mean “That string of words does not parse as an actual sentence” nonsense. This will need a lot of work to get into a form comprehensible by mortal minds. Given that those comprise your reading audience, I strongly recommend making the effort.
If you'd like a recommendation, how about having Pinkie point out that without Celestia or Luna, no one's moving the sun and moon? Kind of a tip-off, and something that puts the entire world at risk, including Chrysalis's food supply and subjects.
If you'd like a recommendation, how about having Pinkie point out that without Celestia or Luna, no one's moving the sun and moon? Kind of a tip-off, and something that puts the entire world at risk, including Chrysalis's food supply and subjects.
"Yes! People! Beware, Chrysalis! Muahahahaha!"
(Okay; there. I did my part to fulfill the story's promises. On to the review.)
You're mixing verb tenses all over the place, so be sure to get a proofreader to help you with your English if you want to publish later. :twilightsmile:
I'm all for pink poni being awesome, but I think there's some mismatch between everything before she breaks the fourth wall, and the moment she does. Even though Pinkie is being silly, everything in the story is serious and believable until you get to that point. The shift was too abrupt for me. It felt almost like you were changing stories.
In general, it's very difficult to reference the contest itself in a way that will be pleasing to the readers. Recursive self-awareness in a story is a very high degree of difficulty, especially in a competition. Even something as simple as "writing about writing" is dangerous territory in a contest where we're all writing stories (see Happily Ever After* for a slightly more subtle example: I think even there the author is taking a pretty tangible risk, given their audience).
I don't think the conclusion is very strong. You need something more to say at the end than "Pinkie is silly and everypony just accepts it".
(Okay; there. I did my part to fulfill the story's promises. On to the review.)
You're mixing verb tenses all over the place, so be sure to get a proofreader to help you with your English if you want to publish later. :twilightsmile:
I'm all for pink poni being awesome, but I think there's some mismatch between everything before she breaks the fourth wall, and the moment she does. Even though Pinkie is being silly, everything in the story is serious and believable until you get to that point. The shift was too abrupt for me. It felt almost like you were changing stories.
In general, it's very difficult to reference the contest itself in a way that will be pleasing to the readers. Recursive self-awareness in a story is a very high degree of difficulty, especially in a competition. Even something as simple as "writing about writing" is dangerous territory in a contest where we're all writing stories (see Happily Ever After* for a slightly more subtle example: I think even there the author is taking a pretty tangible risk, given their audience).
I don't think the conclusion is very strong. You need something more to say at the end than "Pinkie is silly and everypony just accepts it".
Hmmmm. .The basic concept is interesting... Pinkie breaking the fourth wall to freak out a villain... Then discovering that it's "All a dream," while having Pinkie break the fourth wall again...
But Pinkie's dialogue just didn't feel very pinkie-ish. Pinkie is a combination of nonsense, brilliant insight, and a touch of fourth wall breaking... This felt a little heavy on the nonsense to me. Plus a bit of mood whiplash with the opening paragraphs being rather serious and grim...
So, I'd say it's a good, interesting idea... But the execution needs a bit of work.
But Pinkie's dialogue just didn't feel very pinkie-ish. Pinkie is a combination of nonsense, brilliant insight, and a touch of fourth wall breaking... This felt a little heavy on the nonsense to me. Plus a bit of mood whiplash with the opening paragraphs being rather serious and grim...
So, I'd say it's a good, interesting idea... But the execution needs a bit of work.