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This story needs some polishing, both in the mechanical department and plotwise. There were a few typos scattered throughout, several jarring tense changes, and too much telling rather than showing. A little bit of proofreading and editing would elevate this story nicely.
Even disregarding that, though, I'm just really not a fan of this portrayal of Celestia. She comes across as a narcissistic sociopath with a god complex which, while definitely a possibility for someone of her considerable age and status, doesn't line up with the Celestia depicted in the show at all. It feels more like an attack on Ms. Harshwhinny through Celestia's voice than a thoughtful character piece. Moreover, why is Harshwhinny threatening to ban princesses from the Equestria Games to begin with? Nothing in the episodes centered around the Games seems to justify that line of reasoning, and the whole plot more or less makes no sense without that crucial bit.
In the end, I'm really just not too sure what this was trying to accomplish. I apologize if this came off as mean-spirited—I still give you major props for coming up with something period—but this just doesn't work, in my opinion.
Even disregarding that, though, I'm just really not a fan of this portrayal of Celestia. She comes across as a narcissistic sociopath with a god complex which, while definitely a possibility for someone of her considerable age and status, doesn't line up with the Celestia depicted in the show at all. It feels more like an attack on Ms. Harshwhinny through Celestia's voice than a thoughtful character piece. Moreover, why is Harshwhinny threatening to ban princesses from the Equestria Games to begin with? Nothing in the episodes centered around the Games seems to justify that line of reasoning, and the whole plot more or less makes no sense without that crucial bit.
In the end, I'm really just not too sure what this was trying to accomplish. I apologize if this came off as mean-spirited—I still give you major props for coming up with something period—but this just doesn't work, in my opinion.
I've never felt bad about ranking a write-off story highly before. I'm ranking this above all the stories that failed on a more basic level, but--a story where Celestia acts pompous and sensitive, and fantasizes about getting attention, about humiliating or assassinating another pony--I can't figure out why anybody would want to read this. It's not got any insight into Celestia's character because it doesn't even connect with Celestia's character at any point. It would be better if it weren't Celestia, but it still wouldn't be good because this pony isn't an interesting character yet.
The problem with this for me is I am not sold on Celestia here at all. Why is she suddenly the opposite of show-self? Why is Harshwhinny (Who is shown as competent but strict) suddenly a complete doofus?
These things can work but for me at least, haven't met the bar of being believable yet.
These things can work but for me at least, haven't met the bar of being believable yet.
I don't mind character-reframing (especially Sunbutt—post stuff like this and prepare for downthumbs) but I'm too confused about what's going on here to know how I really feel about it.
The main problem is that I don't know exactly what the letter contains. Why would a suicide note be combined with a threat to Celestia? Is Harshwhinny saying alicorns can't compete in the Games (actually sensible) or that the reigning regent shouldn't be allowed to attend a competition her country is partaking in (that makes no bucking sense at all, especially since we're given no reasoning behind it)? The only one that makes sense is the first one, but there isn't enough context to suggest that's what you actually meant.
If it's the second way, we have a problem. Harshwhinny's demands make no sense, so there's no reason for Celestia to feel this passive-aggressive. Even if I buy the reframing of her character, I can't imagine reading a suicide threat and then saying 'what a pompous, vacuous snit' about the author, no matter how touchy Celestia might be.
How I would write this (and I like the idea so I kinda wish I had):
Don't make it a suicide threat. Make it a "you're not allowed to compete", which is sensible. Have this be the first time somepony has challenged Celestia in centuries, and use that to reveal her insecurities. That would have been brilliant. What you currently have is confusing and doesn't make much sense.
Also, that's not what a snit is (a snit is an attitude, not a person—it's like a brood or a sulk).
The main problem is that I don't know exactly what the letter contains. Why would a suicide note be combined with a threat to Celestia? Is Harshwhinny saying alicorns can't compete in the Games (actually sensible) or that the reigning regent shouldn't be allowed to attend a competition her country is partaking in (that makes no bucking sense at all, especially since we're given no reasoning behind it)? The only one that makes sense is the first one, but there isn't enough context to suggest that's what you actually meant.
If it's the second way, we have a problem. Harshwhinny's demands make no sense, so there's no reason for Celestia to feel this passive-aggressive. Even if I buy the reframing of her character, I can't imagine reading a suicide threat and then saying 'what a pompous, vacuous snit' about the author, no matter how touchy Celestia might be.
How I would write this (and I like the idea so I kinda wish I had):
Don't make it a suicide threat. Make it a "you're not allowed to compete", which is sensible. Have this be the first time somepony has challenged Celestia in centuries, and use that to reveal her insecurities. That would have been brilliant. What you currently have is confusing and doesn't make much sense.
Also, that's not what a snit is (a snit is an attitude, not a person—it's like a brood or a sulk).
Okay, I think all other reviewers pointed out how OOC your Celestia feels. I can accept your head-canon that Celestia is bound to put up a front because of her rank's obligations, holding back more narcissistic tendencies, but I think you went a bit over-the-top here.
In some ways, your descriptions made me think of Berlin Olympics in 1936.
Besides, the form you chose, interior monologue, makes the story stodgy and really difficult to stomach. It comes across as somewhat tedious because it all happens in Celestia's head. There's no rhythm here, no surprise, no dialogue, no challenge, just a continuous thought flow.
In some ways, your descriptions made me think of Berlin Olympics in 1936.
Besides, the form you chose, interior monologue, makes the story stodgy and really difficult to stomach. It comes across as somewhat tedious because it all happens in Celestia's head. There's no rhythm here, no surprise, no dialogue, no challenge, just a continuous thought flow.
Wow, this Celestia’s kind of a bitch. Seriously, this is some very uncharitable word choice here.
Putting aside the inexplicable character decisions, I’m honestly having trouble telling what’s even going on. Between tense and subject sliding around and a lack of background information, I am completely lost. I’m not even entirely sure who’s supposed to be banned from the Games; at one point Celestia appears to be contemplating a ban on Ms. Harshwhinny.
You need to clean this up on every level, and even then, I’d object to this portrayal of Celestia. However, that’s just my opinion. The rest? That’s factually in need of a facelift. Especially the apparent bits about suicide. Really not a topic you should bring up lightly.
Putting aside the inexplicable character decisions, I’m honestly having trouble telling what’s even going on. Between tense and subject sliding around and a lack of background information, I am completely lost. I’m not even entirely sure who’s supposed to be banned from the Games; at one point Celestia appears to be contemplating a ban on Ms. Harshwhinny.
You need to clean this up on every level, and even then, I’d object to this portrayal of Celestia. However, that’s just my opinion. The rest? That’s factually in need of a facelift. Especially the apparent bits about suicide. Really not a topic you should bring up lightly.
Beyond what everybody else mentioned, I've got problems with both Celestia's and Harshwhinny's motivation (or lack thereof,) that make this story unbelievable to me.
I'd need at least some pointers to what reason Harshwhinny could have for being so angry at the princesses, as well as to why Celestia could possibly focus so much on Harshwhinny. Have the two even met in the Equestria games episode? I don't remember. And if Celestia simply dislikes her for being a 'pompous, vacuous snit', then why single that mare out when she's got a city full of nobles surrounding her?
To me this story reads like the result of a writing process similar to mine during the last writeoff:
Being struck by an idea for a scene (Harshwhinny excluding the Princesses from the games / Celestia's bitching about it) and then writing that down without spending enough time thinking about what happened that led up to the scene.
I'd need at least some pointers to what reason Harshwhinny could have for being so angry at the princesses, as well as to why Celestia could possibly focus so much on Harshwhinny. Have the two even met in the Equestria games episode? I don't remember. And if Celestia simply dislikes her for being a 'pompous, vacuous snit', then why single that mare out when she's got a city full of nobles surrounding her?
To me this story reads like the result of a writing process similar to mine during the last writeoff:
Being struck by an idea for a scene (Harshwhinny excluding the Princesses from the games / Celestia's bitching about it) and then writing that down without spending enough time thinking about what happened that led up to the scene.
I'll give this credit for a non traditional interpretation of Celestia. I think it needs work to really shine, though. Others have commented in adequate detail about potential improvements.
The main thing that would have helped me would be to see H's suicide note, rather than spending much of the story dancing around its contents. Granted, if it's super long, that's not practical. But I think the length matters way less than its thrust, and right now we only have clues about that, and I dare say we have insufficient clues.
Tier: Needs Work
The main thing that would have helped me would be to see H's suicide note, rather than spending much of the story dancing around its contents. Granted, if it's super long, that's not practical. But I think the length matters way less than its thrust, and right now we only have clues about that, and I dare say we have insufficient clues.
Tier: Needs Work
Wow, I didn't know that other people would have such gripes over this story when I put it on the top of my list.
I, for one, adore the thought that Princess Celestia could have a bitchy side. For all of the little time she does appear on the show, us for the viewer only makes the inference that she's like she is all day every day, but the probability that she isn't really intrigues me.
Back in the episode where Cranky-Doodle Donkey asks Celestia about how she does that with her hair, she lets off a moan. The type of moan usually with the emphasis of "I don't want to be put through this right now". It was funny while it lasted, me having the thought that Princess Celestia could be a whole lot bitchier if she just vented for at least a little moment. It also makes you think of the kind of stuff she would normally go through in her everyday life as a princess, since being a ruler doesn't always mean top of the line enjoyments and leisure.
I don't really blame the author for wanting to expand on events such as that, where her true personality comes to shine in the light. Hell, I would encourage it. I love characters that are truly deceptively evil on the inside. The only thing you do need to note about what you write, author, is that writing about stuff like suicide and top-of-the-line bitchiness can really have a negative effect on your story in these types of contests, as you are writing for a specific kind of audience. Don't let that get to you, though, and find where you can really make your talents shine.
I, for one, adore the thought that Princess Celestia could have a bitchy side. For all of the little time she does appear on the show, us for the viewer only makes the inference that she's like she is all day every day, but the probability that she isn't really intrigues me.
Back in the episode where Cranky-Doodle Donkey asks Celestia about how she does that with her hair, she lets off a moan. The type of moan usually with the emphasis of "I don't want to be put through this right now". It was funny while it lasted, me having the thought that Princess Celestia could be a whole lot bitchier if she just vented for at least a little moment. It also makes you think of the kind of stuff she would normally go through in her everyday life as a princess, since being a ruler doesn't always mean top of the line enjoyments and leisure.
I don't really blame the author for wanting to expand on events such as that, where her true personality comes to shine in the light. Hell, I would encourage it. I love characters that are truly deceptively evil on the inside. The only thing you do need to note about what you write, author, is that writing about stuff like suicide and top-of-the-line bitchiness can really have a negative effect on your story in these types of contests, as you are writing for a specific kind of audience. Don't let that get to you, though, and find where you can really make your talents shine.