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A Promise of Earlier Days
“I’m relinquishing my title!”
And just so that everypony took her seriously, Luna grabbed the tiara on her head and hurled it forward. With a metallic ringing much like a blacksmith forging steel, the crown bounced thrice, then slid, landing next to the herald.
Just as expected, the chamber was stilled with subjects and soldiers alike simultaneously turning toward the throne. When realization finally hit them, gasps echoed, whispers following after it. But Luna didn’t focus on the unintelligible gossip around her. Her sights kept on the filly deposited on the throne.
“Luna! What are you doing?” Celestia stomped, now standing.
That’s right. You think you’re sooo smart. Well, I bet you didn’t think I’d do this, huh? Luna tried not to smile as much as Celestia tried to stay stoic. But a smirk accidentally unraveled on her face, and in return, Celestia’s wings flared.
Looking ready to scold Luna, the princess trotted down the stairwell, grimacing. The anger in her eyes mimicked her cutie mark.
Luna meanwhile opted not to notice Celestia and instead looked to the side. The herald, his eyes creased and his mouth ajar, picked up her crown. He inspected it, frowning. And it was then that Luna felt guilt-gnawing-worms wiggle down in her stomach. The crown had been made especially for her—she hoped it wasn’t too broken.
“Luna! You can’t quit being a princess,” Celestia yelled.
“Yes I can. Ponies did it before.” If Celestia wanted proof, Luna was ready. Even though she kept forgetting the ponies that actually abdicated titles, she could easily call for the librarian to solve that.
Celestia grunted. “Stop being such a foal!”
“Well, being one doesn’t even matter! Not when you keep making decisions. You never do what I want. What’s the point if I can’t have a say?”
“Wait, is this about that stupid castle?”
“It’s not stupid!”
“I already told you we can’t put a castle in Canterlot Mountains.”
“But we have a better view of the moon from there!”
“You look at the moon through a telescope, anyways.” Celestia rolled her eyes. She started to fly away, but Luna yanked her tail with her teeth.
“Hey!”
“It’s not fair! You never do what I want. You never listen!” Luna stomped her hooves this time. “So I’ll build my own castle and then I’ll ban all princesses from coming over because it’s I can do what I want!
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Half the things you do don’t make sense!”
“Yes they do!” the filly huffed. “So, what? You’ll be the only pony living there? “
“Star Swirl’s coming with me,” Luna defiantly said.
“Star Swirl can’t go with you!”
“You don’t own Star Swirl!” Luna cried, beginning to sniffle.
“He belongs here!” Celestia yelled back.
“No he doesn’t!”
“Yes he does! He only helps princesses! And if you’re not a princess anymore…”
Celestia was always so controlling. And so bossy. And sooo mean! “H-He’s my friend t-too!” Luna wiped her eyes. Her eyes and nose burned. She didn’t want to cry in front of everypony. “I-It’s n-not…” And before she could finish, Star Swirl was suddenly at their sides.
“My little ponies,” he said solemnly, “might we discuss this in another room?”
“Now, what is the problem?”
“Celestia never listens to me. She always shoots down my ideas!”
“Because they’re bad ones!
“No they’re—”
A raised hoof stopped both of them.
He turned toward Luna. “Princess, if we move the castle where will the citizens go? Do you expect them to follow?”
“Yes…”
“Even earth ponies and old unicorns like me?”
She looked at Star Swirl’s lanky legs and suddenly felt bad. “I… guess not.”
He turned to Celestia next, and once again, Star Swirl went into another life lecture. He talked of leadership and sacrifice. Of sisterhood and listening and, most of all, of love.
“Ponies will pass before you. But all you have is each other…”
Luna supposed that maybe she did overreact…
“Now,” Star Swirl started.
Celestia cleared her throat. “Sorry, Luna, for not listening.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry too, Celestia. For wanting to leave and stuff… ”
With Star Swirl hovering over them, they tentatively hugged. It was an awkward motion that eventually became sincere.
“I guess I’ll try to be less controlling. Even though the older sister should know best.”
“And you’ll listen to me more?” Luna rubbed her face in Celestia’s mane.
“Yea, yea.” Celestia clenched her back.
“Really? You promise?”
Her voice rang loud and clear. “I promise.”
And just so that everypony took her seriously, Luna grabbed the tiara on her head and hurled it forward. With a metallic ringing much like a blacksmith forging steel, the crown bounced thrice, then slid, landing next to the herald.
Just as expected, the chamber was stilled with subjects and soldiers alike simultaneously turning toward the throne. When realization finally hit them, gasps echoed, whispers following after it. But Luna didn’t focus on the unintelligible gossip around her. Her sights kept on the filly deposited on the throne.
“Luna! What are you doing?” Celestia stomped, now standing.
That’s right. You think you’re sooo smart. Well, I bet you didn’t think I’d do this, huh? Luna tried not to smile as much as Celestia tried to stay stoic. But a smirk accidentally unraveled on her face, and in return, Celestia’s wings flared.
Looking ready to scold Luna, the princess trotted down the stairwell, grimacing. The anger in her eyes mimicked her cutie mark.
Luna meanwhile opted not to notice Celestia and instead looked to the side. The herald, his eyes creased and his mouth ajar, picked up her crown. He inspected it, frowning. And it was then that Luna felt guilt-gnawing-worms wiggle down in her stomach. The crown had been made especially for her—she hoped it wasn’t too broken.
“Luna! You can’t quit being a princess,” Celestia yelled.
“Yes I can. Ponies did it before.” If Celestia wanted proof, Luna was ready. Even though she kept forgetting the ponies that actually abdicated titles, she could easily call for the librarian to solve that.
Celestia grunted. “Stop being such a foal!”
“Well, being one doesn’t even matter! Not when you keep making decisions. You never do what I want. What’s the point if I can’t have a say?”
“Wait, is this about that stupid castle?”
“It’s not stupid!”
“I already told you we can’t put a castle in Canterlot Mountains.”
“But we have a better view of the moon from there!”
“You look at the moon through a telescope, anyways.” Celestia rolled her eyes. She started to fly away, but Luna yanked her tail with her teeth.
“Hey!”
“It’s not fair! You never do what I want. You never listen!” Luna stomped her hooves this time. “So I’ll build my own castle and then I’ll ban all princesses from coming over because it’s I can do what I want!
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Half the things you do don’t make sense!”
“Yes they do!” the filly huffed. “So, what? You’ll be the only pony living there? “
“Star Swirl’s coming with me,” Luna defiantly said.
“Star Swirl can’t go with you!”
“You don’t own Star Swirl!” Luna cried, beginning to sniffle.
“He belongs here!” Celestia yelled back.
“No he doesn’t!”
“Yes he does! He only helps princesses! And if you’re not a princess anymore…”
Celestia was always so controlling. And so bossy. And sooo mean! “H-He’s my friend t-too!” Luna wiped her eyes. Her eyes and nose burned. She didn’t want to cry in front of everypony. “I-It’s n-not…” And before she could finish, Star Swirl was suddenly at their sides.
“My little ponies,” he said solemnly, “might we discuss this in another room?”
“Now, what is the problem?”
“Celestia never listens to me. She always shoots down my ideas!”
“Because they’re bad ones!
“No they’re—”
A raised hoof stopped both of them.
He turned toward Luna. “Princess, if we move the castle where will the citizens go? Do you expect them to follow?”
“Yes…”
“Even earth ponies and old unicorns like me?”
She looked at Star Swirl’s lanky legs and suddenly felt bad. “I… guess not.”
He turned to Celestia next, and once again, Star Swirl went into another life lecture. He talked of leadership and sacrifice. Of sisterhood and listening and, most of all, of love.
“Ponies will pass before you. But all you have is each other…”
Luna supposed that maybe she did overreact…
“Now,” Star Swirl started.
Celestia cleared her throat. “Sorry, Luna, for not listening.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry too, Celestia. For wanting to leave and stuff… ”
With Star Swirl hovering over them, they tentatively hugged. It was an awkward motion that eventually became sincere.
“I guess I’ll try to be less controlling. Even though the older sister should know best.”
“And you’ll listen to me more?” Luna rubbed her face in Celestia’s mane.
“Yea, yea.” Celestia clenched her back.
“Really? You promise?”
Her voice rang loud and clear. “I promise.”
Hi!
I liked the story! It's always nice to see interactions between Luna and Celestia as a filly!
Admittedly, I was confused at first, because it's not instantly clarified that they're fillies, and as such the characterization really threw me off because it's hard to imagine their grown-up versions acting in such a way. I think characterization is really my only complaint, but since they're fillies, that might be more subject to debate.
The descriptions I enjoyed a lot, too! And I love the implications of this because it means that, after Luna was banished, Celestia moved the castle to Canterlot Mountain in her honor.
I liked the story! It's always nice to see interactions between Luna and Celestia as a filly!
Admittedly, I was confused at first, because it's not instantly clarified that they're fillies, and as such the characterization really threw me off because it's hard to imagine their grown-up versions acting in such a way. I think characterization is really my only complaint, but since they're fillies, that might be more subject to debate.
The descriptions I enjoyed a lot, too! And I love the implications of this because it means that, after Luna was banished, Celestia moved the castle to Canterlot Mountain in her honor.
Jupiter VII is right; you really need to make it clear how young the princesses are earlier in the story. As is, this felt downright surreal, with even the first indication of their age making me have to double-check who was saying what. What seems to be out-of-character behavior needs quick explanation. Furthermore, this underscores the incredibly bad idea that is governance by children. I haven’t read the Journal of the Two Sisters, so this may be canon, but it’s still horribly ill-advised.
This needs some cleanup but there is some potential here, especially if you add a scene later where Celestia announces her intention to build a castle in the Canterlot Mountains after banishing Nightmare Moon.
This needs some cleanup but there is some potential here, especially if you add a scene later where Celestia announces her intention to build a castle in the Canterlot Mountains after banishing Nightmare Moon.
I suppose you intentionally hid from us that they were fillies in order to manage some sort of twist. However, this muddles the story somewhat. At first, you think they are adults. Next, and I ended up believing that because it was the only explanation that made sense to me, it seems they are playing a game between fillies, while Starswirl is some sort of private instructor, and someone else is in command. I just discarded entirely the crowd as fancy in the fillies' mind.
That the scene could be real inasmuch as Celestia and Luna are actually ruling is beyond the pale for me. Even IRL it never happened, and an adult was appointed as a regent.
The end feels a bit rushed, and the resolution is predictable. Needs additional work to live up to its potential.
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END OF MY SLATE! :P
That the scene could be real inasmuch as Celestia and Luna are actually ruling is beyond the pale for me. Even IRL it never happened, and an adult was appointed as a regent.
The end feels a bit rushed, and the resolution is predictable. Needs additional work to live up to its potential.
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END OF MY SLATE! :P
The beginning of this story confused me, not so much because of filly L/C but grammar and usage:
I had to read this three times to try to get what was meant. I’d rephrase it to something like “She kept her gaze fixed on the filly sitting on the throne.”
Show, don’t tell. And a stairwell is not really a set of stairs, but a shaft or slanted space into which the stairs are built. My first impression was that Celestia left the throneroom and went downstairs to another room, which made the ensuing conversation surreal, to say the least. Author, if you mean that she descended from the dais that supports the throne, you should say that.
I confess that I didn’t get very far on my first reading attempt because of these issues. Pushing past them, I find that this is a cute story that needs some TLC.
Her sights kept on the filly deposited on the throne.
I had to read this three times to try to get what was meant. I’d rephrase it to something like “She kept her gaze fixed on the filly sitting on the throne.”
Looking ready to scold Luna, the princess trotted down the stairwell, grimacing.
Show, don’t tell. And a stairwell is not really a set of stairs, but a shaft or slanted space into which the stairs are built. My first impression was that Celestia left the throneroom and went downstairs to another room, which made the ensuing conversation surreal, to say the least. Author, if you mean that she descended from the dais that supports the throne, you should say that.
I confess that I didn’t get very far on my first reading attempt because of these issues. Pushing past them, I find that this is a cute story that needs some TLC.
Nuts, I didn't realize they were fillies until close to the end. And here I thought we were getting a cracky comedy where Celestia and Luna are pretend fighting over abdication as a precursor to shenanigans... but alas, no, it's meant to be played straight. And the thing is that I just can't see that, even now that I go back and reread it knowing that. There just aren't enough clues to push me toward that conclusion as opposed to the sillier one.
Beyond that, this is really really well written.
Tier: Needs Work
Beyond that, this is really really well written.
Tier: Needs Work
I don't have much to say about this one, but since I seem to be in the minority here, I want to say that I did pick up on the fact that Luna and Celestia are fillies pretty quickly.